- 2 hours ago
Hyacinth decides that, because it is Christmas, Richard should distribute gifts to the old people at the Church Hall dressed as Santa Claus. When Richard gets incredibly drunk with Emmet, however, Elizabeth decides to take his place in the costume, with disastrous consequences.
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00:28Transcribed by ESO, translated by —
00:34Oh! More Christmas cards! Good heavens! So many friends! Just a minute! That makes 112!
00:52That must be a record! If anyone else down the avenue starts boasting about how many
00:58Christmas cards they've had, I trust you remember my record? Yes, madam. Because you're only
01:05temporary. My regular postman, he would know best where to mention my record of 112.
01:12I'll pass the word around. Good! I'll tell everybody! You don't want to do it! I was never one to
01:18boast! And a merry Christmas!
01:23Oh! More Christmas cards? Are they genuine? Or are they more of those you've written to yourself?
01:38I regard it as a service to those people who may have misplaced my address. I'm sure they'd
01:45like to think they'd sent me a card. Now, just put those up, will you, dear?
01:51Oh!
01:53Oh!
01:55Oh!
01:56The McKay residence! The lady of the house speaking!
02:01Sheridan! How lovely to hear from you, dear!
02:04He's had all the Christmas money he's getting!
02:08Don't mention money! He's just ringing his mummy!
02:13Yes, dear, it's going to be the usual hectic Christmas. Popularity has its penalties. I've already
02:21had to find room for 112 cards! And this'll be the first Christmas without you, dear. I don't
02:29know how mummy will cope.
02:30If you ask for more money, I don't know how daddy will cope.
02:34Well, I knew that one day you'd grow up and leave us.
02:37You call this leaving us?
02:39Only I didn't realise you'd be going quite so far away.
02:44Oh, yes! I think it's splendid of you and Tarquin to go and help rebuild Romania.
02:50But do wear something warm, dear.
02:53You need how much?
02:56Well, bring me from Romania and reverse the charges.
03:07Richard is walking about the garden beating himself on the head.
03:12Oh, he often does that.
03:14I'm not surprised. If I had to live with Hyacinth, I think I'd often do that.
03:19Sometimes after I've been there, I find myself doing that.
03:24Poor Richard.
03:25A man needs a break. After all, it is Christmas.
03:30Are you sure about this?
03:32The old folks will be when you're distributing their gifts.
03:38And do try and show a little Christmas enthusiasm, Richard.
03:42What a person to fool!
03:45Well, and not only the old folks, dear.
03:48I want you to be the star turn at my Boxing Day candlelight supper for our special guests.
03:55I want you to be the surprise.
03:59Oh, I will be. I can see it now.
04:01During the proceedings, I want you to slip away quietly.
04:05I sometimes think about slipping away quietly.
04:09And return as Father Christmas.
04:12I can just see Onslow's face when he sees me in this.
04:17I'm not going to all this trouble for Onslow.
04:20No, don't be silly.
04:22Onslow and my family will come as usual on Christmas Eve.
04:26Oh, you decided then?
04:28They are my family, and I love them dearly.
04:32Especially at this time of year, when it gets dark early.
04:36So, they think, I can cope when they're in the house.
04:41It's when they're arriving, and especially leaving.
04:46Onslow's rarely in a condition that I'd want the neighbours to see.
04:56Have you seen Father's whistle?
05:00He's looking for his whistle and the rest of his uniform.
05:04What uniform?
05:06His Cub Scout uniform.
05:08That's going back a bit.
05:10Oh, I wish you'd both get up and make yourselves presentable.
05:14I'm expecting a visit from a Mr Sudbury.
05:17Oh, so that's who comes at Christmas. A Mr Sudbury.
05:21And all these years people have been calling him Father Christmas.
05:25Will you get up, Onslow?
05:27Of course, the smart move would be to stay here till after Boxing Day.
05:31Otherwise, we'll only have to get dressed up and go to your house since family dinner.
05:35Oh, Lord.
05:37Ah, since family dinner.
05:38Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:47Now, you know how they all look forward to my family Christmas dinner.
05:51I can't disappoint them.
05:54Gives them something to remember during the long winter months.
05:58How does that feel, dear?
06:03I can't breathe!
06:05Well, of course you can breathe!
06:10No, Richard, please don't make those vulgar noises.
06:15If there's one thing that distinguishes us from other people,
06:18it's the absence of vulgar noises.
06:21I feel ridiculous.
06:23No, it suits you, Richard.
06:25Oh.
06:26If you don't believe me, we'll get an independent opinion.
06:30No! I don't want anybody to see me!
06:33Now, don't be so modest, dear.
06:36I ain't seen...
06:37Now, off you go, dear.
06:39Try the effect on Emmett and Elizabeth.
06:41Oh, no!
06:45All right, brother, shan't be long.
06:47Just get back quickly, Liz.
06:49I hate being alone in case Hyacinth calls.
06:51I never know what to say to her.
06:53Oh, you don't have to say anything.
06:55Let your mind wander.
06:57I think about knitting patterns.
07:00I think about strangling her.
07:04Well, lock the door behind me and pretend you're out.
07:07There's no need to be so alarmed.
07:14It's only me. Can I come in? I feel such a fool.
07:28I thought you were supposed to use the chimney.
07:35Can't we do something about this old junk heap?
07:39I've done something about this old junk heap.
07:41Look inside.
07:54I think that's lovely on the floor.
07:57Not bad, is it?
08:00And people say he's just a bum.
08:03You can see where I am.
08:06I think he's very talented, what he's done with just a heap of old junk.
08:09I was thinking more along the lines of moving it.
08:14That there is a piece of abstract art.
08:17If you look at it that way, you can see I'm actually making a statement.
08:22Well, I hope Mr Sudbury sees it like that.
08:25Who is this Mr Sudbury?
08:28Why are you making such a fuss about him?
08:31Oh, days. Mr Sudbury's different.
08:34So was the last one.
08:36Talk about bow-legged.
08:37First time I've seen anybody try and cross their legs and miss.
08:42Oh, days. Mr Sudbury's really different.
08:46He's tall.
08:48He's elegant.
08:49And he's a wonderful dancer.
08:53Yeah.
08:58Rose!
09:05Mr Sudbury!
09:24I wish I had more romance in you.
09:29That's right.
09:33Little donkey.
09:35Little donkey.
09:36Oh!
09:37Am I through to the Thorganby residence?
09:41Well, what a timid little voice.
09:44Nice.
09:45Now run along, Poppet, and tell your mummy, Mrs Thorganby,
09:50that there's a nice lady wanting to speak with her.
09:54Oh, you are Mrs Thorganby.
09:59It's his little.
10:01Yes.
10:02Well, this is Hyacinth.
10:04Bouquet, dear.
10:07Richard's wife.
10:09Richard!
10:11Your husband's deputy in the Department of Finance and General Purposes.
10:16Yes.
10:17That Hyacinth.
10:20Oh, there's a funny noise on the line there.
10:22It sounds like someone in pain.
10:24That's better.
10:26Now, I'm just ringing to remind you that you promised to call in with your husband over the Christmas period
10:32to partake of mulled wine and a hot mince pie.
10:35Come at any time that suits you, Mrs Thorganby.
10:40Goodbye.
10:42What a silly little voice.
10:46Have another one, Richard.
10:48Just a very, very small one.
10:50What about a very, very large one?
10:53Oh, Emmett!
10:55Cheers.
10:56Cheers.
10:58Why are you wearing that outfit?
11:00It's fate.
11:01I thought it might be Hyacinth.
11:04To me, they're one and the same.
11:07Merry Christmas, anyway.
11:10Well...
11:11Come on.
11:12I don't know.
11:34I'm not..
11:36Hey, the house is mine.
11:38I don't know.
11:38There's no more, but there's no more...
11:38I'm not gonna have.
11:41I've been running over the past but it's amazing.
11:42I don't know if I'm full.
11:43Also, will you tell Fred and Ginger to go in Twinkle Toes down the street and see if they can
11:49find father?
11:50He's off again.
11:51He's not past this way. Where's he gone?
11:55Gone scouting. Need new whistle.
11:59It's often the first thing to go.
12:02I've noticed that.
12:12Oh, do come in, Elizabeth. Make yourself at home.
12:16Just take your shoes off, dear.
12:19I'm not keeping hyacinth. It's just that I've been asked to collect on behalf of the same...
12:23Oh, you're very commendable, dear. Of course we'll contribute.
12:27Not that we don't already in our own way.
12:29Richard will very soon be distributing gifts to the old folk and my Sheridan's rebuilding Romania.
12:35Where are you?
12:38Thank you, hyacinth. I'll put my shoes on now.
12:41Oh, I wonder who that will be.
12:44Probably Reggie Thorganby.
12:47Richard's head of department.
12:49Reggie and Fiona are popping in for mulled wine and hot mince pies.
12:53They were so insistent.
12:56The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
13:04So sorry, hyacinth.
13:06Oh, and just as I've given my lacquered woodblock, it's Christmas polish, Elizabeth.
13:13Violet, I thought you were in Ibiza for Christmas, dear.
13:17Oh, I see.
13:20Bruce is acting in the theatre.
13:23Only amateur, of course, but still.
13:27A principal role.
13:29Oh, you must be very proud, Violet.
13:32Well, why aren't you proud, dear?
13:35He loves dressing up.
13:37It's better that he does it in the theatre.
13:40Well, why shouldn't he wear his costume all day?
13:43Oh, I'm sorry.
13:45It was no happy, dear.
13:46You and I have no secrets, Elizabeth.
13:50What role is Bruce playing?
13:53Cinderella.
13:58I'm calling Elizabeth, but you know how busy I am.
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:01No, I'm busy.
14:04Hey.
14:06Hey.
14:07Hey.
14:07Hey.
14:10Hey.
14:11Hey.
14:12Hey.
14:12Hey.
14:22What do you mean, Bruce is going around everywhere in his Cinderella outfit?
14:27He's gone into town.
14:29Well, tell people he's rehearsing.
14:32Spread the word for heaven's sake.
14:56Look on the bright side, Violet.
14:58At least Cinderella married well.
15:01No, I must go and find Richard.
15:05Oh, I don't know.
15:09Oh!
15:10What are you doing, dear?
15:13I'm terribly sorry, Hyacinth.
15:14Your wreath fell off.
15:15No, put it back again, dear.
15:17I must find Richard.
15:18No, I'll find Richard.
15:19You put the wreath back on.
15:22And if you have the soil,
15:25you would always say it glows.
15:27It glows.
15:29It glows.
15:30I think so.
15:42Richard!
15:44Hyacinth will kill you.
15:47Hyacinth who.
15:56was your father ever in the scouts of course he was in the scouts you don't
16:01think he'd wear a uniform under false pretenses if he's only wearing them
16:05little shorts they can hardly call it false pretenses I suppose we better
16:13worn our hyacinth oh nice an extra trip to your hyacinth you really know how to make a
16:23bloke's Christmas that was hyacinth she is ready for Richard to drive her right right
16:38well you can't drive her and neither can you she she does most of the driving by word of mouth
16:51all right then you two come on give me that father Christmas outfit hey well now Richard
16:58you will have to get the bus what you've got to distribute the gifts turn right Richard turn
17:07all right I'll be with the old folk waiting for you we'll never get away with it you don't even
17:12sound like me all she has to do is listen like you oh that's the door Richard
17:33you mustn't forget our manners just because we're dressed as father Christmas thank you dear I hope
17:40you thought of suitable things to say to each one of the old folk and please remember not to say
17:49Merry
17:49Xmas you know I can't abide people who put Merry Xmas on their greetings cards
18:01especially when they spell Merry with an I and an E
18:09not so fast Richard watch the car on the left
18:14warn this pedestrian in case he suddenly decides to step into the road
18:31oh no it's on slow and Daisy they mustn't see us
18:36quick turn into this petrol station and put your foot down
18:50I must be going to the house thank goodness we're out
18:58turn right dear
19:04mind the curve
19:07isn't that the Thorganby's car goodness yes it is they must be heading for our house
19:14oh they'll meet Onslow and Daisy we've got to stop them Richard
19:23Mr and Mrs Thorganby how lucky we ran into you damn nearly anyway
19:30slight change of plan we thought we'd take you first to the church hall to see Richard dispensing
19:36gifts to the poor
19:39my husband's highly thought of in charitable circles
19:46dramatic that Richard you scared the daylights out of me
20:02and then back to our house for some more Christmas surprises surprises I'm not sure I can stand anymore
20:11just mild wine and a hot mince pie Richard's so looking forward to the two of you in a quiet
20:18corner
20:19I beg your pardon
20:21to discuss the subject of his early retirement
20:23oh that yes
20:31Richard will leave you follow close behind
20:43morning
20:44morning
20:45morning
20:45morning
20:45morning
20:49good day Vick
20:51I won't be a moment
20:52Mrs Bucket
20:53okay
20:55I'm sorry
20:57your father's here
20:58daddy here
21:00yes
21:03how kind of you vicar to invite daddy to receive a gift
21:07he wasn't actually invited Mrs Bucket
21:10okay
21:11he just arrived
21:13and rather unexpectedly
21:14in what way unexpectedly
21:16well I wasn't actually in the hall at the time
21:19I just heard the scream
21:23won't be a moment
21:25what scream
21:26Miss Winthorps
21:27who
21:27she's secretary of the over 70s club
21:30oh I see
21:31I expect daddy was carried away by the festive season
21:35he must have started celebrating long before he arrived here
21:39hmm
21:40he also seems to be wearing very little
21:44just like daddy
21:45I expect he's given everything to the poor
21:48oh nearly everything
21:49and he's going around kissing everyone under the mistletoe
21:54yes
21:54daddy does so love the old customs
21:57he certainly loves that one
22:06why don't we pop inside and I'll slip daddy into something warmer
22:09he looked warm enough when I left him
22:11oh very young
22:14be with you in a moment
22:18don't kiss
22:19don't kiss
22:19go away
22:20go away
22:20don't want
22:21to be kissed
22:24don't do that
22:25nasty little man
22:26we must ask you to take him away from here Mrs Bouquet
22:31and as soon as possible
22:35come along daddy
22:38don't do that
22:40it's not very nice
22:42you soon feel better now you've had one of your pills
22:46now wear this for hire synth dear
22:49we're leaving
22:51I've promised the vicar that I'll see you safely at home
22:59oh to think that he was once such a power in painting by numbers circles
23:05I suppose we're very lucky this year's pantomime happens to be Dick Whittington
23:09I just wish you could remember where you've left your own clothes dear
23:13now look
23:14just wait here for a moment
23:15while I see that the coast is clear
23:18I don't want any more surprises today
23:27Richard
23:28did someone call
23:30Richard
23:31Richard
23:33I feel
23:35Elizabeth
23:36yes
23:37I'm terribly sorry
23:39what are you doing here
23:40what's going on
23:41well you see there's a lot
23:42I couldn't drive
23:44I'm so sorry
23:46there is no time for apologies
23:49you can have your Christmas kiss later Richard
23:55we've all got to get out of here
24:03what's nice and do with a cat
24:04I must have drank more than I thought
24:07it's daddy
24:09oh it's a tomcat
24:13don't just stand there
24:14try and find daddy's clothes
24:16they must be hidden somewhere
24:17that includes you Emmett
24:19oh no
24:20oh do stop playing with your whiskers daddy
24:24Elizabeth I need your help dear
24:26now look what you've done
24:28you've broken it
24:29I have to get daddy
24:31out of here
24:32into Onslow's car
24:34without the fog and be seen
24:46it's only me
24:51who's that
24:52it's daddy of course
24:54oh
24:57I don't want the fog and be's
24:59to see too much
25:00who
25:00the fog and be's
25:03Richard's head of department
25:05they're coming back to our house
25:07for a glass of mulled wine
25:08and a hot mince pie
25:09they've followed us here
25:10in their car
25:11oh
25:13they've gone
25:14gone
25:16oh no
25:18and after I've been to all this trouble
25:21how thoughtless
25:48I've got a little bit of one
25:52a little bit of one
26:02and after I've been to a
26:25Oh, I suppose that's what Christmas is all about.
26:30Right, you know.
26:38Come on, Richard. There's no time for that sort of thing.
26:44What better time, then?
26:48Close. Put Mr. Hawksworth down at once.
26:51What on earth is going on out here?
26:54Rose, there's the vicar.
26:57Thank you, Hyacinth.
26:59Happy Christmas, vicar.
27:11This is the season of goodwill, vicar, and my sister takes goodwill very seriously.
27:16Anyway, we're all going now.
27:20Goodbye.
27:21Happy New Year.
27:24Well, since we all seem to be celebrating Christmas already, we may as well carry on.
27:29Good idea.
27:30Oh, Hanslow.
27:33Oh, why don't we all go over to our house and have mulled wine and hot mince pies?
27:42And, Hanslow, when we get there, would you park your car somewhere discreet?
27:47How about the next street?
27:49Oh, I love it. Christmas suits you, Hanslow. Beep.
27:55Hello, Elizabeth.
27:57Everett.
27:58Richard.
28:00Hey, you better drive.
28:04I'm too shook up.
28:08You drive, Elizabeth.
28:11Oh, this is Christmas fun. What a pity. It's only once a year.
28:14I'll be in the back.
28:16Hanslow!
28:17Oh, please don't trap Daddy's tail in the door.
28:22Oh, please don't trap Daddy's tail in the door.
28:47Oh, God directive.
28:49I'll be in the back.
28:50Oh, too.
29:00I would fall back.
29:11Oh, I'll be in the back.
29:12Oh, I'll be in the back.
29:16You know, I'll be in the back.
29:17Oh, there's Pig.
29:18Hello, welcome to England
29:21Hello, welcome to England
29:25Hello, welcome to England
29:28Hello, welcome to England
29:31Hello, welcome to England
29:33It's much more than fish and chips
29:35We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips
29:37Bally dog kids and a RS6
29:38Big two fillies, small fillies with a kick
29:40Lies with more bricks, little creep in your crib
29:42I smell bacon, I smell pigs
29:44Take the cash down, get into the whip
29:45Leeds road racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton
29:47Weegros amazing, Cropsey, I'm grabbing them
29:49Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them
29:51Follow West Yorkshire police here, it's running the...