- 19 hours ago
Hyacinth takes long-suffering Richard on a weekend break to a golfing hotel, despite the fact that he doesn't like golf, hoping to play a round with the Major.
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00:02I think you should have turned left.
00:04I did turn left.
00:05I accidentally told you to turn left.
00:08That's why I turned left. I'm no fool.
00:10It's easier to be lost than disobedient.
00:13Richard, I hope the entire weekend isn't going to be spoiled by your rebellious manner.
00:18Rebellious? It's hardly mutiny on the boaties.
00:22Look at me, silly dear.
00:27Ah.
00:29There you are, you see? I knew it was left.
00:32I never doubted it for a moat.
00:38It's so long since I played golf.
00:41Hmm?
00:41I said it's so long since I played golf.
00:44I hope you're not going to let the Major down.
00:47It's very kind of the Major and his wife to suggest that we join them for the weekend.
00:54It means that we're socially upwardly mobile, dear.
00:58Until he sees how I play golf.
01:01Haven't you been practising?
01:04I don't like golf.
01:08It's very selfish.
01:16Oh, look! There's the Major's little two-seater.
01:20Isn't there something a trifle odd about elderly men in two-seaters?
01:23I wouldn't call the Major elderly, dear.
01:26He's our age.
01:28Thank you, Richard.
01:29I can see it's going to be a memorable weekend.
01:33All I meant was, is we're not getting any younger.
01:37Richard, keep your voice down, dear.
01:39I shall prefer it if you are.
01:41You will be careful with the luggage.
01:43It's part of a very expensive matching set.
01:46Yes, madam.
01:52Oh, yes, I like the ambience.
01:55It's more baronial than hotels.
01:59Major's wife and I will be quite happy here.
02:03Good morning.
02:04Good morning.
02:06Ring the bell, Richard.
02:16Can I help you?
02:18Mr. and Mrs. Richard Bouquet, we have a reservation.
02:23What was the name again, please?
02:24Bouquet.
02:26That's spelt B-U-C-K-E-T.
02:30Oh, bucket.
02:32Oh, yes, we have a bucket.
02:34Pronounced bouquet, dear.
02:37If you'll just fill in the form, please.
02:45Do be careful with the luggage.
02:48Do be careful with the luggage.
02:50It's part of a very expensive matching set.
02:55What does she think it is?
02:56Alligator?
02:57Alligator?
02:58For her, that would be a matching set.
03:02We've kindly informed the Major and Mrs. Wilton-Smile
03:05that we have arrived.
03:07The Major and Mrs. Wilton-Smile?
03:08Yes, they're friends.
03:10We're here for a weekend break together.
03:12But I'm afraid the Major's here alone.
03:14Oh?
03:14He's not travelling with his wife.
03:16Oh, that's strange.
03:18Do hope she's not ill, dear.
03:21Still, I'm sure if she is,
03:22they're medically very well covered.
03:33There we are, madam.
03:35Oh, yes, it's quite nice.
03:38I'll just put the luggage over there, sir.
03:40Ah, fine.
03:41Fine.
03:45Yes, we've got a bit lost as we got here at the hotel.
03:49Could there be anything else, sir?
03:51No, thanks.
03:51That's your key.
03:53Oh, thank you, sir.
03:56And...
03:58I hope you have a pleasant stay.
04:04Oh, Major.
04:05All alone.
04:07And what are you going to do while we're golfing?
04:09Oh, I shall lounge and luxuriate
04:12and read my dame Barbara Cartland
04:14and get somebody up here
04:17to wipe these windows.
04:26And don't forget the key, will you, dear?
04:28Oh, come on.
04:32Let me stack that suspender.
04:41It doesn't sound as if he's here for the golf, either.
04:50Richard.
04:53Look in the register.
04:54See who's in room 210.
04:57Do you mean, you said pry?
04:58How can I give them a disapproving look
05:00if I don't know who they are?
05:01Go on.
05:02If somebody comes,
05:04I'll feel like shoots the master spine.
05:06You are looking for the Major's Room.
05:08If while you are looking for the Major's Room,
05:11your eye happens to note
05:12who is in room 210.
05:14Now, let's see.
05:16What are the cultural options
05:18for the golfing widow this weekend?
05:20Well, if I might suggest one option,
05:22you could do the golfing
05:23and I'll be the widow.
05:25Now, don't be silly, dear.
05:26You'll enjoy playing with the Major.
05:29I must remember that.
05:33Well, who's in room 210?
05:35The Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
05:38The Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
05:40No, don't.
05:40The Mr. Smith.
05:46Oh, this is better.
05:48These people look more our sort.
05:50How can you tell?
05:51Well, they're reading full-size newspapers.
05:55I would never strike up a conversation
05:57with anybody who reads the tabloids.
06:00Now, you run along, dear,
06:01and find the Major.
06:03I shall be perfectly all right here.
06:05Right.
06:08Good morning.
06:09Good morning.
06:14Good morning.
06:15Morning.
06:16Morning.
06:17Morning.
06:17Morning.
06:22Morning.
06:31Morning.
06:40I don't know.
07:09I don't know.
07:32I don't know.
07:38Good morning.
07:44Lovely day.
07:46Good morning.
08:01Good morning.
08:09Good morning.
08:12Good morning.
08:25Good morning.
08:26Good morning.
08:32Good morning.
08:36Good morning.
08:43Good morning.
08:45Good morning.
09:00Good morning.
09:03That won't be necessary.
09:05I understand the couple will be leaving this morning.
09:08Well, I should hope so.
09:10Noises like that can be very disconcerting
09:12for a considerate husband like mine.
09:18Mr. and Mrs. Smith, indeed.
09:20One wonders where these people come from.
09:25Come on, come on.
09:27Will you stop it?
09:28I've rarely known anybody quite as mischievous as you.
09:33Now, that's my Sheridan at 14 with his music diploma.
09:39And this is the house that we lived in then.
09:42Of course, we've moved to a much larger one now,
09:44in a very exclusive area.
09:47Richard loves to garden, you know.
09:49He loves to garden when he's not golfing with the major.
09:51Not that he only plays with majors, of course.
09:54After all, we're democratic to the core.
09:59But then, naturally, one prefers one's own kind.
10:03Oh, here's my Sheridan shrimping with his daddy in 1979.
10:11Good morning, sir.
10:23Oh, there you are, Bucket.
10:26Actually, Major, it's pronounced...
10:28What?
10:29Nothing.
10:30Look, about the golf.
10:31Yes, the golf.
10:32Yes, I'm afraid I can't make it.
10:34I've got this damn dicky leg.
10:36There's still some poxy foreign lead in it somewhere.
10:38It plays me up occasionally.
10:41Have to thrash the damn thing, you know.
10:43Now, about this golf.
10:44I've arranged for you to have a round with old Porky Hooten.
10:47He's damn nice, fellow.
10:48He'll be waiting for you up at the clubhouse.
10:49Now, you've got the name?
10:50Uh, Porky Hooten?
10:52That's right.
10:53You'll like old Porky.
10:55It's all there.
10:56Just keep an eye on his scoring, that's all.
10:58Listen, I'm really not bothered about the golf.
11:00Not bothered?
11:01Good God, man.
11:01Don't say that out loud.
11:02Not round here.
11:03No, you'll enjoy it with old Porky.
11:04Take a hip flask with you.
11:06He likes a partner to have a hip flask.
11:08Off you go now.
11:08Porky's waiting.
11:09I haven't got a hip flask.
11:11Well, shove a bottle in your bag, old boy.
11:13Chop, chop.
11:29Gov, your Rose didn't take any clubs.
11:33I don't think she'd need any clubs.
11:36It's a bit pricey.
11:39She's not paying, is she?
11:41Do you think we'll have time for the bevy
11:43before we take her home?
11:44I don't see why not.
11:46It's an hotel that says open to non-residents.
11:50Just one bevy on account that I'm driving.
11:53Unless your Rose is going to drive,
11:55and then I could have a few.
12:00You'll probably have to put on a jacket.
12:03Rubbish.
12:04Have you seen what golfers wear?
12:07It's anything Gold's in golfing wear.
12:13Good morning.
12:18Ah, Mrs Bucket...
12:20Mrs B. Kane, can I help you?
12:23I wish the towels in my room to be replaced, please.
12:27Oh, is there something wrong?
12:28Well, your towels are rather hard and knotty, you see.
12:32Possibly not for those of coarser skin,
12:34but if I drive myself on them,
12:36I'd probably lose an entire layer of my epidermis.
12:39I should appreciate it if you could find me something softer.
12:43Certainly, madam.
12:44This is not just a whim.
12:45I have an unblemished reputation at home
12:48for the quality of my bathroom linen.
12:50I'm sure you have, madam.
12:52It is one of the attractions of my candlelight suppers
12:54that our guests are able to take a peek
12:57at the quality of my bathroom linen.
12:59I'll see what I can do for you, Mrs...
13:02Bouquet.
13:03Good.
13:05Oh, and if at the same time
13:06you could get somebody up there
13:08to wipe the window in my room,
13:09it looks as though something's been squashed on it.
13:12We'll see to that for you, Mrs. Bouquet.
13:14Thank you, dear.
13:15I do like things to be just so.
13:18It's not that I'm fussy, of course.
13:22Where did your rules find a bloke
13:23that could afford to bring her to places like this?
13:26If I hadn't stayed faithful,
13:29maybe I could have found a bloke
13:30who could have afforded to bring me to places like this.
13:37No.
13:38I bet it needs more than just being unfaithful.
13:42The kind of place that makes you think
13:44maybe you should have had a shave.
13:47I think you should.
13:48I think you should have had a shave.
13:50On the other hand, the thing is to act natural.
13:52Be yourself.
13:53Always be yourself.
13:55If people can't penetrate unimportant service issues,
13:58they're never going to appreciate
13:59your fundamental qualities anyway.
14:02What fundamental qualities?
14:05I'm calm in a crisis.
14:08That's a fundamental quality.
14:10Only because you're too bone-idol to rush about in a panic.
14:17Well, are we going in or not?
14:20I want to finish me ciggy.
14:27Oh, I've been meaning to ask you.
14:29Is your skin of a sensitive nature?
14:32Are you satisfied with the quality of the bathroom linen here?
14:37Would you like me to organise softer towels for you?
14:41Well, actually, we were just going for a walk around the garden.
14:44Oh, yes, that's right.
14:45The garden.
14:46We often go and have a look around the grounds.
14:49So, perhaps we'll see you later.
14:51Oh, what a shame.
14:51Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves.
14:54Wait a minute.
14:55Why don't I come with you?
14:58No.
14:59No.
15:00There's no need to interrupt your plans.
15:03Oh, but I should love to stroll around the grounds with you.
15:06Really?
15:06Oh, yes.
15:08To me, horticulture at its highest is like music.
15:11Except for the manure, of course.
15:19The grounds look lovely from our bedroom window.
15:22You must show me all the points of interest.
15:26All of them?
15:27Put in just a few.
15:28I wouldn't dream of missing a single one.
15:33You might find it rather tiring.
15:36Oh, in the appreciation of nature, you'll find me tireless.
15:40It's a well-known fact, of course,
15:43that the love of a garden is indicative of one's social standing,
15:46as I'm sure you'll agree.
15:54I always make notes, of course.
15:58I'll make some for you, if you like.
16:27Change the towels now, while there's no one in the room.
16:29Before she finds something else to squawk about.
16:32Oh, you've not seen her yet.
16:34Lucky you.
16:37Oh, Mrs. Bouquet, I've just asked.
16:50Rose!
16:51Rose!
16:52Hi, is it?
16:57Rose!
16:58We must speak, Rose!
17:00What do you want?
17:01Oh, the delectable Mrs. Bucket!
17:04Nothing!
17:06Oh, Major, I'm nice to see you.
17:08I say, lively couple in there, chatting by the noises off.
17:12Do you know these people?
17:13Hardly.
17:14Thought not.
17:14Excuse me.
17:15Oh, no.
17:15I say, mind yourself, our chap.
17:16You'll chip some of the oven, actually.
17:18Get in!
17:19What happened to a dolphin, Major?
17:21Ah, spot of bother with the jolly old knee.
17:26What are you doing?
17:28I don't wish to discuss that with a perfect stranger.
17:33Riff-raff.
17:48In the holiday spirit, are we, old chap?
17:52What were you doing with that girl?
17:53I wasn't doing anything with her.
17:55I'm just about to have a bath before changing, and I surprised her.
17:59I'm not surprised.
18:01Scared of Widdly-sore, boy.
18:03I'm just about to invite your good lady for a little drinking.
18:05Yes, it's very, very kind of you, Major, and I could do with a drink.
18:08But not downstairs.
18:09There are too many strange people about you.
18:11So, well, I know just the place.
18:13Yes.
18:13I'll meet you in the car park in ten minutes?
18:14Yes, well, I'll try.
18:17Richard.
18:19Onslow's here.
18:20Why is Onslow here?
18:21Because Rose is here.
18:22He's come to take her home.
18:24Has Rose been staying here?
18:25In room 210.
18:30I must keep them away from the Major.
18:32They'll only make fun of his leg.
18:34Well, personally, I'd rather be with Onslow than go golfing.
18:38The Major's put me in with a complete stranger.
18:40Somebody called Porky Hooten.
18:43Porky Hooten?
18:44Oh, that's very public school.
18:47Porky Hooten.
18:48You must wear something striking, Richard, to make an impression.
18:51What I was going to wear...
18:52No, I'll advise you what to wear, dear.
18:54I mean, this man is probably connected closely with the aristocracy.
18:58He may even have a title.
18:59They do, you know, with names like Porky Hooten.
19:03The one thing they can't bear is timidity.
19:06Now, you must make every effort, Richard,
19:09to stun him with your personality.
19:22No?
19:31No, no, no.
19:32No.
19:33Oh, no.
19:45Oh, there she is, the minx.
19:49Come in, Major.
19:51Good, she's attractive in a weird sort of way.
19:57What's our harsinth doing here?
19:59I don't know what she's doing here.
20:00All I know is I don't bring my friend downstairs in case she's lurking about.
20:04You know what she's like.
20:05She's liable to cause a scene.
20:10Would you put that on room 210?
20:12Very good, madam.
20:13Uh, what's these?
20:15Just a few biscuits, sir.
20:17I've got a long drive.
20:18What about a bacon butty?
20:21I'm afraid at this time of day it's just coffee and biscuits, sir.
20:25Oh, chuff me.
20:28What have you been living on all weekend, R-Rose?
20:31Don't ask.
20:33I wonder if it's safe to bring my friend downstairs now.
20:36To get stuck into these biscuits?
20:38Another one to get stuck into all these five little biscuits?
20:42Oh, nice.
21:05Anywhere, Major.
21:06Just take me away from here.
21:08Back.
21:08Back from the ticket?
21:10Oh!
21:17Ah!
21:18Ah!
21:18Ah!
21:20Ah!
21:21Ah!
21:21Ah!
21:22Ah!
21:23Ah!
21:25Ah!
21:26Ah!
21:26Ah!
21:27Ah!
21:27Ah!
21:43Oh, my God.
21:59What are you doing, Major?
22:01Dammit, can't you tell?
22:03Now, Major...
22:04Here and now, if you like.
22:07I must be getting back.
22:13Listen, I believe I hear a lunatic.
22:16God, you know just how to inflame a chaff.
22:19I'm a member of the Choral Society.
22:24Mature, naturedly ladies have always been my problem.
22:39Even as a gang man oversees, my colleagues were all chasing after delicious...
22:44But I was captivated by the Governor's wife.
22:47She was built to last, but I loved her.
22:52You must stop, Major.
22:55If my Sheridan were here, he'd be appalled.
23:08She really does remind me of the Governor's wife.
23:11Dammit, I've scared her with a little flower.
23:13I love you, Mrs. Bucket.
23:16It's bouquet!
23:18Come back!
23:27I knew your Rose was ready.
23:30She's just saying goodbye.
23:32I hope it's not one of her long goodbyes.
23:34If it's one of your Rose's long goodbyes, we'll be here all afternoon.
23:38I remember when we used to have long goodbyes.
23:41Back of the bus shelter in Garibaldi's street.
23:45Of course I remember.
23:46We missed a fizzing bus, didn't we?
23:53What the heck?
23:56That's a rough guess.
24:00I'd say she'd be mulled by a bear.
24:03It's not that long, I think it looks like she's been mulled by a bear.
24:07That's more like Rose.
24:38You're absolutely right.
24:40They are beautiful grounds.
24:43A little overgrown in places.
24:45Mmm.
25:10What's happened to you?
25:13Typical.
25:14Men expect you to look your best at every moment.
25:18You're going home, Richard.
25:21No golf?
25:22No.
25:24Just when you think there's no compassion in the universe.
25:29But why are we going home?
25:31What have you done to yourself?
25:33What do you mean, what have I done to myself?
25:35I've just been making a few horticultural notes.
25:51Poor old Major.
25:52He was wounded.
25:53Somewhere east of Suez, I think.
25:55I'm not surprised.
26:00Though he didn't pay me a great compliment.
26:04Apparently I remind him of the governor's wife.
26:07Hello, welcome to England.
26:10Hello, welcome to England.
26:14Hello, welcome to England.
26:17Hello, welcome to England.
26:21Hello, welcome to England.
26:23It's much more than fish and chips.
26:24We've got chicks with the tits and the big filled lips.
26:26Ballied up kids and the RS6.
26:28Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick.
26:29Five with more grips.
26:30Little creep in your crib.
26:31I smell bacon.
26:32I smell pigs.
26:33Take the cash down.
26:34Get into the whip.
26:35Leeds roll waste and I'm feeling like Hamilton.
26:36Weeclos amazing.
26:37Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
26:38Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
26:40Fuck the West Yorkshire.
26:41Police, yeah, they're spilling them.