- 2 days ago
Hyacinth plans a super-special event, desperate to keep up with the Barker-Finches who have had a local celebrity at their barbecue. However, despite a faultless strategy, events do not turn out quite as she planned.
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00:38Sonia Barker Finch.
00:44How much longer are you going to sleep, dear?
00:49Probably not a lot, I suspect.
00:52Well, I haven't slept a wink.
00:54I heard you snoring.
00:56I've had a night of mental anguish.
00:58It didn't sound like mentally anguished snoring.
01:02You know me, Richard.
01:04I haven't a snobbish bone in my body.
01:07But I do find it irritating that those Barker Finch's at number 23
01:12should attract the Douglas Chater to their barbecue.
01:16The Douglas what?
01:18Chater.
01:20They had him at their barbecue.
01:22Now, what did he taste like?
01:25Now, don't be silly, dear.
01:27They had him at their barbecue,
01:29and, of course, she can't stop telling everybody.
01:32I cannot abide people who run around making a meal
01:36out of their little social triumphs.
01:51Where were you last night, Onslow?
01:54Answer me.
01:55I'm sorry, Daze.
01:57I can't talk.
01:57Go into the fact that some fool keeps prodding me.
02:01That's me.
02:02I'm prodding you.
02:03I want to know,
02:04why have you started staying out so late?
02:07Look at me, Onslow.
02:13Straight in the eyes.
02:16Where were you last night?
02:19I was here, in bed.
02:21Not when I went to sleep, you weren't.
02:23Oh, no, she was so worried you went to sleep.
02:28It was exhaustion caused by anxiety,
02:32mental exhaustion.
02:34I was going mad, wondering where you were.
02:37How's your father this morning?
02:39Don't change the subject.
02:43It is about their station.
02:48Sonia Barker Finch.
02:51Her conversation could hardly have been stimulating.
02:55The Douglas Chater must have ended up
02:58with a barbecued brain.
03:00Why don't you see the Douglas Chater?
03:03Good heavens, Richard.
03:05You must have heard of the Douglas Chater.
03:07We're all mourning from you.
03:11He only happens to be Chater's building supplies.
03:15Oh, he sells cement.
03:17One of our leading builder's merchants.
03:21What's this in my dish?
03:24That's an exclusive European high-fibre breakfast cereal.
03:29Well, it looks as if it's come from the Douglas Chater.
03:33I mean, this is a building material if ever I saw one.
03:39Richard, stop playing with it, dear, and eat it.
03:43Well, why can't I have my usual cornflakes?
03:47This is not a cornflake establishment.
03:50It always has been.
03:53Perhaps in the days before this exclusive European high-fibre breakfast cereal was made available.
04:00Now, it's very nutritious and highly recommended.
04:03By whom?
04:04The Dutch royal family.
04:08The Dutch royal family?
04:11There's a crest on the packet.
04:13Oh, my God.
04:16I wish it'd stop buying things because there's a crest on the packet.
04:20So, in future, when people ask you what you have for breakfast, don't say cornflakes.
04:25Tell them quite truthfully that you eat an exclusive European high-fibre breakfast cereal.
04:32With a crest on the packet.
04:41I was with a couple of the lads.
04:44Till what time?
04:45I don't know.
04:46We got talking.
04:47You know what it's like when you get with the lads.
04:49I know what it's like when you get with the lads.
04:51You become a menace to the female sex.
04:59Daisy, that was 20 years ago.
05:03I admit I used to be a bit of a menace with the female sex.
05:07I was dynamite.
05:09To me, the Kama Sutra was an owner's manual.
05:14But I'm retired these days.
05:17I wish I could be sure.
05:19You're so attractive to women.
05:25I'm work-shy, bone-idle and out of condition.
05:28What makes you think I'm attractive to women?
05:31I married you, didn't I?
05:34When I was younger.
05:35You were still bone-idle, work-shy and out of condition.
05:39Oh, yeah.
05:40But I was better dressed.
05:52Elizabeth, it's not that I'm the slightest bit interested, of course, but did you by any chance get to that
05:58barbecue?
05:59Barbecue?
06:00Hmm.
06:01Do you know, it's the strangest thing.
06:03I never spill anything at a barbecue.
06:05Really?
06:07Which barbecue?
06:09Oh, those Barker Finchies at number 23.
06:12No.
06:12No, no, I didn't go.
06:14Oh, and clearly the best people weren't invited.
06:17It's beyond me how she managed to lure the Douglas cheater.
06:26I'm surprised he wasn't far too busy supplying materials to build executive homes.
06:33Anyway, I think barbecues are rather passe these days.
06:39Oh.
06:42I'm so sorry.
06:47Have you ruined your dress?
06:49No, no, no.
06:50Oh, I see.
06:51Just my table.
06:53I've got to answer the foe.
06:56Oh.
06:56Uh-oh.
07:02Hey, residence, the lady of the house speaking.
07:06Oh, it's you, Daisy.
07:07How are you, dear?
07:09It's my sister, Daisy.
07:11She's not the one with the swimming pool or the Mercedes.
07:14And there's certainly no room for a pony.
07:18You're not ringing me to break bad news about Daddy.
07:21I'd die if anything happened to that noble old man.
07:23Hmm.
07:24He's fine.
07:26Are you sure he's fine?
07:27You're not shielding me.
07:29Well, make sure, will you, Daisy?
07:31You know how I worry.
07:32I'd have him here if he didn't make those funny noises.
07:37No, well, pop upstairs, will you, and check.
07:40Now.
07:41And give him my love.
07:47Don't worry about that table, Elizabeth.
07:49I'm sure it's not beyond the bounds of Western technology to resurface it.
07:55Why don't you try a little yoga, Elizabeth?
07:58Calm your nerves.
08:00Everywhere else, Hyacinth, my nerves are fine.
08:03It's just in this house I go to pieces.
08:06Daddy does yoga.
08:07Look how fit he is for his age.
08:10Pronounced too hot to handle by the over-60s.
08:15I'll be with you in a minute, Elizabeth.
08:17I'll be with you in a minute, Elizabeth.
08:20I'll be with you in a minute, Elizabeth.
08:22Oh!
08:24Oh!
08:25Oh!
08:26Oh!
08:28Oh!
08:29Richard, I'm so sorry.
08:31For some reason I go to pieces in this house.
08:34You too.
08:36Is that you, Richard?
08:39How quick you've been, dear.
08:42Clearly feeling the benefits of sharing a breakfast habit with the Dutch royal family.
08:48Tell Elizabeth how much you're enjoying your exclusive European high-fiber breakfast cereal.
08:56Yes, Daisy, I'm here.
08:58Daddy is where?
09:00On the roof.
09:02Well, get him down, dear.
09:06Yeah, it's absolutely splendid of him to be so agile as to get on the roof.
09:11But why is he on the roof?
09:13Fire watching.
09:15He thinks there's a radon.
09:18What a wonderful sense of duty Daddy has.
09:21It's that spirit that made this island great.
09:25But get him down, Daisy.
09:27Yes.
09:28Sound the old clear or something, will you?
09:32You want my advice about what?
09:35Onslow?
09:37Well, you've never taken it before.
09:41Would I be surprised if Onslow had another woman?
09:45My dear girl, I was surprised he got one in the first place.
09:52He's always had this massive appeal for women.
09:56He exudes a raw sensual magnetism.
10:02Where's me bottle opener?
10:05That could have been him with Vivian Lee in Streetcar Named Desire.
10:10And now he's started stopping out late at nights.
10:14And looking at him from here,
10:16he looks to me like somebody who's up to his designer stubble
10:20in stolen moments of illicit love.
10:24I said, have you seen me bottle opener?
10:27I don't know how to handle it, our Hyacinth.
10:30Maybe if you spoke to him, he'd listen to you.
10:34Well, maybe he wouldn't listen to you.
10:36But if you backed him into a corner, I'm sure he would.
10:39I could bring him over.
10:42Don't shout, Hyacinth!
10:46All right, I won't bring him over.
10:51We'll arrange something else.
10:53You'll ring me?
10:55Promise?
10:58Father's still on the roof.
11:00Don't tell me. I've got my own troubles.
11:03Onslow, Father's on the roof again.
11:06Ask him if he's got my bottle opener.
11:09Why don't you wear it round your neck?
11:12I look like some big silly Doris with a dangler.
11:17I think he's got another woman.
11:20Maybe she's got his bottle opener.
11:24Don't worry, Liz, it looks fine.
11:27Oh, yes, I think it looks all right, but you just don't know.
11:30I don't know why I get so nervous in here.
11:33It happens to lots of people, believe me.
11:37Well, look, I really ought to be going back home.
11:40Do you think it would be permissible for me to sneak away?
11:43Well, why not? I often do.
11:47No, no. I'll just go out the back way.
11:52Will you make my excuses to Hyacinth?
11:55Oh, easily. She never listens anyway.
12:03Elizabeth gone?
12:04Yes.
12:06Hope she wasn't worried about my table.
12:08She knows I never make a fuss about my things.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:15That was Daisy on the phone, dear.
12:18She thinks that Onslow's got another woman.
12:21Onslow? I don't believe it.
12:23He couldn't afford one.
12:26Now, if it was old C.P.
12:28Hmm?
12:30Er, C.P. Benedict.
12:31I met him passing the library.
12:33Not THE C.P. Benedict.
12:35He's just C.P. Benedict.
12:39The garden centre king.
12:41He runs a garden centre, yeah.
12:42But hasn't he been on television, dear?
12:44In that gardening programme?
12:46I think he has been.
12:48Oh, Richard!
12:51Fancy you knowing C.P. Benedict.
12:55Grind the eggs!
13:00I wonder what she's like.
13:02His other woman.
13:04Short-sighted.
13:09I bet she's cheap and common.
13:11Have you noticed how they all go for cheap and common?
13:15Don't knock it!
13:16I've had some of my best moments being cheap and common.
13:20You're supposed to look guilty, Onslow.
13:24I keep telling you, there is no other woman.
13:27I've always been faithful to you.
13:29And about three leading jockeys.
13:33Faithful?
13:34Men can't be faithful.
13:36They haven't got the necessary genes.
13:39Can you see me getting dressed up for other women?
13:43I'd have to shave for a start.
13:46Don't listen to him days.
13:48They don't always shave for other women.
13:50I've had barber's rash more than once, I can tell you.
13:55Well, that's it then.
13:58If he's going to have another woman,
14:00I'm going to have another man.
14:04Can you get somebody that can do a few jobs round here?
14:10I'm sick of living in squalor.
14:13I hate him.
14:17Why didn't you tell me that you knew THE C.P. Benedict?
14:22He's just a man with a garden centre who's been on television.
14:26He's not the aga car.
14:27He's a celebrity, dear.
14:29And I'm sure he's a much better social catch than boring old Douglas Chater who's merely in building supplies.
14:37Watch out for the lorry, dear.
14:39It's stationary.
14:40It's stationary.
14:41It's not moving.
14:42I always think they're more worrying when they're not moving.
15:03But he's only a casual acquaintance, really.
15:06But that's quite sufficient to issue the man a friendly invitation.
15:10He's just somebody I sometimes meet walking his dog.
15:14Oh, you've met the dog as well!
15:19I don't see how he can just waltz up to the man and invite him to a barbecue.
15:23No, dear, you may rest assured that your friend C.P. Benedict...
15:27He's not my friend!
15:28...will be invited to something far more elegant than a communal garden barbecue.
15:35For my summer entertaining, I intend to bring the outdoors indoors.
15:48What a pity he was, dear.
15:54You must find him, dear.
15:56I dare say you'll catch him at one of his regular haunts.
15:59Such as where?
16:00Well, he's your friend, Richard. You should know where he goes.
16:03I told you, he's just an acquaintance.
16:06Mind a tree, dear?
16:08The tree outside or the tree inside?
16:14Richard, do stop sounding petulant.
16:17I don't know why you're sounding so petulant.
16:20This is a great day for me.
16:22I have invented the outdoors indoors luxury barbecue.
16:28I just wish that there wasn't so much outdoors indoors in here.
16:34Look, dear, when I invite the garden centre king to my outdoors indoors luxury barbecue, I want him to feel
16:42at home.
16:44He is a plant lover.
16:48Mind the hole in the road here.
16:51What road?
16:52What makes you think that I can see the road?
16:59Liz, a mobile garden has just parked in Hyacinth Drive.
17:05Mobile garden?
17:06Good imitation, anyway.
17:08Good heavens.
17:10Well, you hear about the greenhouse effect.
17:12Next thing you know, it's parked outside.
17:15I think Richard's under that lot somewhere.
17:18With Hyacinth?
17:19No, no, she escaped.
17:21She went indoors.
17:23Well, instead of giggling, you might go and give Richard a hand.
17:27I wouldn't walk into a jungle like that without a map and a compass.
17:34Fields and skulls.
17:37Do mind my wallpaper, Richard.
17:44Hello, is that the vicar?
17:46How are you, vicar? This is Hyacinth Bouquet.
17:50Are you there?
17:53No, I thought I heard a little cry of pain.
17:58I do believe the vicar's in pain, dear.
18:00Well, at least he's not covered in green fly.
18:04Now, if you're in distress, I'll come round immediately.
18:08Hello?
18:09Hello?
18:11Are you there?
18:14No, look, I was speaking to the vicar.
18:17Who is this?
18:19Oh, the vicar's wife.
18:21How are you, dear? It's Hyacinth Bouquet.
18:24Yes.
18:25I was speaking with your husband.
18:28I see, he had to leave in rather a hurry.
18:31Oh, Richard.
18:34Well, yes, of course, I'm sure you do, dear.
18:36It's not theological.
18:37Hmm.
18:39Well, I'm just calling to invite yourself and your husband, the vicar,
18:44to my outdoors-indoors luxury barbecue with finger buffet.
18:51Oh, yes.
18:52You must come, dear.
18:54We're having C.P. Benedict.
18:57What do you mean, hot or cold?
19:00LAUGHTER
19:01The C.P. Benedict.
19:04The garden centre king who's been on television.
19:08Not even asked him yet.
19:10I will as soon as you find out where he might be.
19:14LAUGHTER
19:18You've got to make him realise that you're still attractive to men.
19:22If I get done up, do you think I will still be attractive to men?
19:26Oh, you can't go wrong.
19:28It's been my experience. They'll go for anything.
19:31LAUGHTER
19:33Just put yourself in my arms nowadays and I'll transform you.
19:39What you need is a little bit of inner confidence and a lot of flash gear.
19:45And then what?
19:47I don't think I know any men.
19:50What about Mr. Patterson?
19:52He was dead keen on you.
19:54He was a dirty old man.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58Well, just... just think of him as yesterday's toy boy.
20:02Day before yesterday.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:07Are you sure your contact got it right?
20:09He said that C.P. always comes in shortly before they close.
20:13So why don't we wait outside until he arrives?
20:15No, no, no.
20:17It has to look like a casual encounter.
20:19I don't want him to think we're the kind of people who lie and wait for people.
20:23No, it has to look as though we're here doing banking business.
20:28So much.
20:31We meet accidentally, you introduce me,
20:34and then I invite him to my outdoors, indoors, luxury barbecue with finger buffet.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:40What banking business are we supposed to be here on?
20:42I mean, when I get to the window, I'm going to be asked what I want.
20:45I'll cash a cheque or something.
20:48Good afternoon.
20:50Good afternoon.
20:50It won't be a moment.
20:55I won't give you a moment.
20:58Unexpected outlay.
21:07Five pounds? How would you like it?
21:11LAUGHTER
21:13I should have cashed a bigger cheque, but I've found such a fool.
21:16Are you sure he wasn't in there?
21:18He wasn't in there.
21:20I mean, what does C.P. Benedict look like?
21:23I see him as tall and tanned and distinguished.
21:26He's quite ordinary looking, really.
21:28Ordinary? Richard, I will not have you describe my guest of honour in that manner.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:35We cannot see the other entrance. We could miss him.
21:38We'll have to go back in.
21:40Again?
21:42Richard, I've told everyone C.P. Benedict is coming, and C.P. Benedict is coming. Come along.
21:49LAUGHTER
21:53LAUGHTER
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58LAUGHTER
22:00No!
22:02What a pity it'd go very nicely with my place settings.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06It's not him!
22:13Six pounds?
22:16LAUGHTER
22:16In ones, please.
22:18You wouldn't prefer 60 shiny new ten pence?
22:22LAUGHTER
22:23I've ever seen you.
22:24Are you sure this isn't him?
22:27He looks very suitable for my outdoors, indoors, luxury barbecue with finger bouquet.
22:31That's not him!
22:33Well, I wonder if I should invite him in any case.
22:36LAUGHTER
22:38Oh, no, I think not. We haven't been introduced.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:45I see!
22:46LAUGHTER
22:49You see?
22:51It was worth the wait.
22:53I liked him.
22:55I thought he was quite charming.
22:57I'm not sure it was charm so much as shock.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:01Off you go, then, dear.
23:02More plants.
23:04More plants?
23:06LAUGHTER
23:06I want to make him feel at home.
23:11The whole point about my outdoors-indoors barbecue
23:14is to make the indoors look like outdoors.
23:17Well, we won't be sure to change for a while, anyway.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:26Elizabeth, it's Hyacinth, dear.
23:29You guessed.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:31Now, look, I want to invite you and Emmett
23:34to my outdoors-indoors luxury barbecue with finger bouquet.
23:38Hmm, this evening.
23:39Yes.
23:40Oh, you must come, dear.
23:43C.P. Benedict will be here.
23:46The C.P. Benedict.
23:49Yes, the garden centre king.
23:51Oh, you know, the television celebrity.
23:55See you at seven, then, dear. Goodbye.
23:58What the hell is an outdoors-indoors barbecue?
24:02I don't know, but it seems that we are going to one.
24:05Didn't you tell her I've got another engagement?
24:08What engagement?
24:10I'll think of something.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:13Apparently, C.P. Benedict is going to be there.
24:16C.P. who?
24:18Benedict.
24:19The garden centre king.
24:21Oh, how jolly.
24:24We'll be spellbound listening to his weed-killer recipes all evening.
24:28LAUGHTER
24:28I wouldn't mind some advice about my rubber plant.
24:31Well, if that's going to be the high spot of the evening,
24:33I think I might have a drink or two.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:37You usually do on high-since occasions.
24:40And sometimes even before we get there.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:45I'll take Richard and Emma to drink.
24:47I must be ready when C.P. arrives.
24:51What will they be drinking?
24:52Mm-hm.
24:53Well, I know what Emma will have. Anything.
24:55Richard will have a sherry.
24:57Ooh!
24:59How do I look?
25:01I must remain calm.
25:02I must not appear uncalm.
25:04Don't forget the drinks.
25:05Oh, how do I look, dear?
25:07And don't spill them.
25:09LAUGHTER
25:11Ooh!
25:13LAUGHTER
25:15Oh, Elizabeth!
25:17I'm well of no earrings!
25:19I'm just coming!
25:25LAUGHTER
25:25LAUGHTER
25:27LAUGHTER
25:39I hope that's a large one, Liz.
25:39David, where are you?
25:43LAUGHTER
25:44Oh!
25:45I hope that's a large one, Liz.
25:48Oh!
25:53LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:55LAUGHTER
25:56Richard!
25:58I have a sherry for you, Richard!
26:02Miss?
26:03Found your way, then.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:06I used to be a girl guide.
26:09We'll be with you in a moment!
26:12Oh!
26:15Don't appear to be in a hurry.
26:17The hallmark of the perfect hostess.
26:20LAUGHTER
26:28Rose!
26:29Daisy!
26:30Millie!
26:32Millie!
26:33Skirts!
26:35Oh, Rose!
26:37We want to talk to you about Onslow.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:42Well, I'd love to talk about Onslow.
26:44But not now, I'm afraid, Daisy, dear.
26:47I'm expecting guests at any moment.
26:49I think he's got another woman.
26:51That's nice for him, dear.
26:52We must have a chat about it sometime.
26:54I will listen in our higher sense!
26:56You will give my love to Onslow, won't you?
26:58And to Daddy, of course.
26:59How is Daddy?
27:00I do wish you could stay, but it's impossible.
27:05LAUGHTER
27:06Unless, of course, you'd like to stay for a while.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:14Rose?
27:16I'd know those legs anywhere.
27:19CP!
27:21Rose!
27:23Oh, it's been long tonight, CP.
27:27Oh!
27:27Too long.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:44Is there anyone anywhere who can pass me a drink?
27:49LAUGHTER
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52APPLAUSE
27:57LAUGHTER
28:02APPLAUSE