- 10 hours ago
Long-suffering Richard finds early retirement worrying, mainly because Hyacinth has lined up enough plans for his future to turn his twilight years into mishap-filled misery.
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00:24Thank you for listening.
00:37Thank you for listening.
01:00Who gets off at early retirement?
01:02La-dee.
01:05Swagger a bit.
01:06Put a bit of swank on.
01:09I'm the last person to put myself forward, as you know.
01:13But I do think it won't hurt the neighbours to see who's lucky enough to get early retirement round here.
01:19La-dee.
01:33Ah, yes! I thought I heard the milkman.
01:37How? I'd like to know how you heard the milkman. You must have radar.
01:43No, thank you. My usual two pints and the occasional yoghurt.
01:48Oh, yes! And another thing. I'm still waiting for an answer to my query.
01:54What query was that, Mrs Bucket?
01:58I wanted your superiors to find out which cow my milk comes from.
02:05I will not have my bottles coming from just any old animal.
02:08We passed a very photogenic herd recently grazing on the Earl of Crawford's estate.
02:13Would you please ensure that in future my two pints daily come from them?
02:18All the milk's been thoroughly tested, Mrs Bucket.
02:21I should hope so.
02:23Just remember that at least two pints of it are destined for some very high-quality china.
02:38Don't let them persuade you to stay on.
02:41Be firm, Richard.
02:43Don't be pushed around.
02:56Richard, aren't we forgetting something?
03:06That's better, dear.
03:08And as it's your special day, you can kiss me on the other cheek this morning.
03:16Goodbye then, dear.
03:17Off you go.
03:26Richard!
03:28Richard!
03:32Richard's just walked back into the house.
03:35It is his house, Liz.
03:37No, no, no. He was supposed to be heading for work.
03:39I don't think he knows which way he's going.
03:42He's been acting strangely ever since they gave him early retirement.
03:45I should think he has, poor devil.
03:47Imagine, all day at home with Hyacinth.
03:50Every day.
03:52I'd call Amnesty International.
03:55He just kissed Hyacinth twice and walked back into the house.
04:00Anyone who kisses Hyacinth twice is entitled to walk back into the house.
04:07Well, be more careful in future, Richard, locking me out like that.
04:13I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.
04:14I will not have you not thinking in front of the neighbours, Richard.
04:19I'm just a little confused this morning.
04:22Well, it seems so, dear.
04:23But I'm all right now.
04:24Are you sure?
04:25Absolutely fine.
04:52Hello, dear.
04:53What kind of a day did you have?
04:56Richard, I think you ought to walk to work today, dear.
05:02Oh, yes, I will.
05:04I'll walk this morning.
05:11Richard!
05:11Richard!
05:26What are you doing?
05:28I'm waiting until Hyacinth goes inside, and then I can safely go to work.
05:34Emmett!
05:35All you have to do is say good morning and don't stop.
05:38You think so?
05:40She'll sing at me.
05:42She'll give me broad hints that I ought to use her in the amateur operatic society.
05:47And my worst nightmare of all, she'll invite me to a candlelight supper.
05:54Oh, Emmett, just pull yourself together.
05:57She's gone.
05:58I'm off.
06:15I'm 16, going on 17, fellow.
06:23Your brother's very fit for his age.
06:28Missed him, did you?
06:30Oh, he will be sorry.
06:32I rather wanted a word with him.
06:33I'm sure he'd love to have stayed and chatted.
06:36Of course he would.
06:38You'd be amazed how often he thinks about your little chats.
06:42Bless him.
06:43I know how fond he is of me.
06:46I'll catch him later.
06:49Do come in for coffee, Elizabeth.
06:55Now, Hyacinth.
06:56Right now?
06:58Yes, dear.
06:59Come along.
07:09Could you just give me a hand, Hyacinth?
07:11Yes, of course, dear.
07:20Do make yourself at home, dear.
07:23Sit anywhere.
07:25Except there, dear.
07:27I thought I might use that one for a change.
07:34You'll have a beaker, of course.
07:35Yes, of course, good Lord.
07:36Yes, please, a beaker.
07:38Well, if you insist, dear.
07:42You know, you're very welcome to my fine bone china.
07:45No, no, thank you, a beaker.
07:47I think it's probably best.
07:53Of course, I shan't let you have a beaker when you come back later for our more formal afternoon tea.
07:59Later?
08:00When you've tied it up, dear.
08:02Tied it up?
08:03I've almost finished my housework.
08:05No, no, no, I don't mean the housework.
08:08I mean your hair.
08:12The same as always.
08:14I thought you'd agree.
08:18Of course, we shall have to dress up a little for my other guest.
08:22I've invited Mrs. Henderson.
08:24You'll like Mrs. Henderson.
08:26One of the Hendersons.
08:28The Hendersons?
08:29Yes, dear, those Hendersons.
08:31The frozen food people.
08:34They say he's a millionaire.
08:35They say he's a millionaire.
08:35And all from dead chickens.
08:39Of course, I'm not one to be impressed merely by money.
08:42But I just happen to know that he's looking for someone to work with him in a senior capacity.
08:47And of course, my, Richard would be ideally qualified for dead chickens.
08:53I can't see Richard being very happy with dead chickens.
08:57Oh, no, dear.
08:58I don't think he'd actually be handling them.
09:00No, no, Richard would wear a suit and do something executive.
09:04Can one do anything executive with dead chickens?
09:07He's done it with the council all these years.
09:12So, as you can see, Elizabeth, it's very important that we make the right impression on Mrs. Henderson
09:20as a first step towards securing Richard a superior position.
09:24Poor Richard.
09:26I'm sure he thinks he's finished with work altogether.
09:30I know how much he's looking forward to being at home all day.
09:38What's wrong with my hair?
09:41Well, there's nothing wrong, dear.
09:43No.
09:44It just, you know, it just needs a little something.
09:47Like what?
09:59Well, not that, dear.
10:05I found these with my things.
10:09I think they might be yours.
10:13How does Onslow breathe under there?
10:16Beats me.
10:18Do you sometimes find him turning blue?
10:21Only his language occasionally.
10:23Are you sure it is, Onslow?
10:25It could be a total stranger.
10:29Never has been yet.
10:32Oh, no.
10:34It is Onslow.
10:36You've lost again.
10:39Listen, Rose, if you're going to start coming in here at the Cracker Dome,
10:42the least you could do is bring breakfast.
10:44But you never eat breakfast.
10:46That's only because he tends to stay in bed till dinner time.
10:51On principle, I've got nothing against breakfast.
10:53I'd eat breakfast if somebody brought it, wouldn't I?
10:56It's not against my religion or anything.
10:58What is against your religion?
11:01Getting up before dinner time.
11:08I notice you're still in bed.
11:11A wife's place is beside her husband.
11:16Oh, that's so sweet.
11:19I sometimes wonder if I ought to get married again.
11:22But it puts such a dampener on your love life.
11:26It flares up occasionally.
11:28With him?
11:29I'm surprised he's got a flare left in him.
11:33Not only doesn't bring breakfast, but comes in and insults you.
11:36Listen, when the occasion calls for it, as a lover, I'm still dynamite.
11:41Dynamite.
11:45Rather a short fuse these days.
11:49Oh, nice.
11:54I'm terribly sorry, Hyacinth.
11:58I get so nervous in your kitchen.
12:00I can't imagine why, dear.
12:03Now, you mustn't worry, Elizabeth.
12:05You know me.
12:06I'm not one to make a fuss.
12:13Isn't there anything I can do?
12:15Well, of course not, dear.
12:22Unless you'd like to wash the rug.
12:25Yes, yes, I'll wash the rug.
12:27It could be something to do with my hands, not to mention my brain.
12:29I shall make you another coffee.
12:32No, no, really.
12:33I'd rather wash the rug.
12:34Elizabeth, I know my duty.
12:37I invited you for coffee, and coffee you shall have.
12:40Oh.
12:46Oh, clear that mess up, will you, dear?
12:49I'll answer the phone.
12:51It's probably somebody important.
12:56The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
13:00Oh, it's you, Violet.
13:02It's my sister, Violet.
13:05The one with the sauna and the swimming pool and room for a pony.
13:09They've just returned from their villa in Ibiza.
13:13The one with the gold taps.
13:15I expect she wants to chat and tell me all about their holiday.
13:19Oh, well.
13:20Violet, I've dined here, all your adventures, dear.
13:23I'll come back later.
13:24No, no, no, dear.
13:25You won't hear anything a friend shouldn't hear.
13:27Run along and make yourself some more coffee.
13:30Well, now, Violet, how expensively brown are you, dear?
13:34Exhausted?
13:35Why are you exhausted?
13:37Oh, Bruce has taken up Latin American ballroom dancing.
13:40But that's wonderful.
13:43So stylish.
13:45Yes.
13:46He must look very elegant in those tight trousers.
13:53You're wearing the tight trousers.
13:55Bruce has got a sequins.
13:57Just a minute, will you, dear?
13:58Just a minute.
13:58I'm just going to...
13:59Oh, I'm just going to pop home and get some carpet clean.
14:02All right, then, dear.
14:03But don't bother to come back.
14:05Oh, no, no.
14:06You see, there's a slight stain on the rug.
14:08Is there?
14:09Good.
14:09I'm sorry you've got to flush, dear.
14:11And just as we were having a jolly time mopping up...
14:15Oh, and Harrison, all good things come to an end.
14:18How is that this afternoon when Mrs. Henderson comes and wears something smart for me, dear?
14:25It's all right.
14:26I'll see you later, my dear.
14:27Yeah.
14:27Goodbye.
14:28I'm sorry about that.
14:30It was rather important.
14:32Well, now, Richard.
14:34We're all going to be very sad to lose you, you old dog.
14:38You know, I only wish that they'd penciled me in for early retirement.
14:43Well, there's no point dragging out these farewell scenes.
14:46Best to get them over with as quickly as possible, I always say.
14:49Well, goodbye, Richard, old boy.
14:50Think of us when you're out there enjoying your freedom.
14:53Goodbye.
14:55Now, where was I?
15:04Come in the odd afternoon.
15:05No, no, no.
15:06No, no.
15:07Make a clean break.
15:08Best way, I always think.
15:10Unless, of course, mornings will be better.
15:13Inside a week, you will have forgotten all about us.
15:16Cheerio.
15:19I'll do anything.
15:22You won't have to keep me at my old grade.
15:25No, look, I'm sorry, Richard.
15:28I mean, I don't think I'd be too proud to pop him for a potter.
15:31If ever you need a good potter.
15:33Thank you, Richard.
15:40Mornings or afternoons.
15:44Mornings and afternoons.
15:46Goodbye, Richard.
15:56Hello, is that the Prime Minister's office?
16:00Well, would you put me through to the Prime Minister's office, please?
16:04Mm-hmm.
16:05Oh, I vow to be in my heart.
16:09To eat all earthly things.
16:12Ah, finally.
16:15It's worse than trying to get through to British Rail Inquiries.
16:18Hmm.
16:19Well, my business is confidential.
16:23So I wish to be put through to someone important.
16:26That is to say, not a minor functionary.
16:29I will not be fobbed off with a minor functionary.
16:33Hmm?
16:33My name is Bouquet.
16:35B-U-C-K-E-T.
16:37Mm-hmm.
16:38Well, I've told you the matter is confidential.
16:42Hmm.
16:43And so, but so, silently...
16:48Ah!
16:49Hello!
16:50And you are...
16:53Third Private Secretary.
16:56Who does one have to be to get through to two and one?
17:01Well, I'm very glad they're busy.
17:04The state things are in, so they should be.
17:07Yes.
17:08Yes, you can help me.
17:10I'd like a little advance information about the honours list.
17:16My husband is retiring after a lifetime of public service,
17:21and I'm assuming, of course, that there will be something for him in the honours list.
17:26Now, I know you're not supposed to blurt these things out,
17:29but a little hint in the strictest confidence would be greatly appreciated.
17:34I don't want to have to learn about it from the newspapers.
17:38As a meticulous hostess, I'd like to be prepared.
17:43You see, it's going to mean redecorating for a start.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:58PHONE'S RINGING
18:02It'll be for our Rose. It's always for our Rose.
18:07While you're up answering the phone, could you get me another beer?
18:10LAUGHTER
18:20Yes?
18:21Who?
18:22I'm sorry, I can't hear for the television.
18:25Also, I can't hear the phone call for the television.
18:29Turn it down.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:33That's the practical solution.
18:35Why is it women never think practically?
18:39Excuse me a moment, but there's a fault at this end,
18:42and it won't get out of its chair.
18:45LAUGHTER
18:47And you should see the chair.
18:49We used to have a nice suite that my sister gave us,
18:51till he got an offer for it.
18:53I couldn't get comfy on it.
18:55Felt like sitting on your iosinth.
18:58LAUGHTER
19:05About time we had remote, save you all that running about.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:12You're getting really thoughtful, Onslow.
19:16You're just an old, cuddly, soft boy.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:21Keep your voice down, we don't want everyone to know.
19:24LAUGHTER
19:24I think you're magic, Onslow.
19:27When you get me that beer, we'll drink to that.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32Sorry about that.
19:34Yes, of course I will.
19:35Oh, just a moment.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:46Oi!
19:49LAUGHTER
19:51LAUGHTER
20:06There she goes again, playing hard to get.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:11Is it Roger?
20:13I bet it's Roger.
20:15Oh, God, if it's Roger!
20:18What's me air like?
20:21Oh, I can't speak to him like this.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:35LAUGHTER
20:36Elizabeth!
20:38LAUGHTER
20:39Did you drop them?
20:44LAUGHTER
20:44Never mind.
20:47I need your opinion for a moment.
20:50Will you come in, Elizabeth?
20:52Now?
20:53Yes, dear, now.
20:57LAUGHTER
21:03Could you just give me a hand, Hiacinth?
21:05Yes, of course, dear.
21:07Come along.
21:11LAUGHTER
21:12LAUGHTER
21:19I'm not really dressed for visiting.
21:22As if that matters between friends.
21:25Take your shoes off, dear.
21:26LAUGHTER
21:28I'm surprised you want my opinion, Hiacinth, about anything.
21:32I seem to go to pieces on these premises.
21:35Do you, dear?
21:35That's nice.
21:37You never listen anyway.
21:39Have you?
21:39Oh, how interesting.
21:41Now, look, I was wondering if I should press Mrs Henderson to take a little sherry with
21:47her light refreshments, or shall I stick to tea?
21:50And you really value my opinion?
21:52Certainly I do.
21:55Well...
21:57LAUGHTER
21:58I think tea.
22:00No, you're wrong there, dear.
22:02I think she...
22:03LAUGHTER
22:03Now, this is the big test.
22:07Oh!
22:08As soon as I take my hands away and open this door, give me your honest opinion, Elizabeth.
22:13Here we go.
22:16LAUGHTER
22:17You've got the stain out where I smelt the coffee?
22:19No, no, no.
22:20The tray.
22:21Look at the tray.
22:23My little selection of canopies and things to nibble.
22:26Oh, yes.
22:27Delicious?
22:28Oh, I knew you'd agree, dear.
22:30Now, come along.
22:31You've got much time.
22:32You'd better make yourself nice for Mrs Henderson.
22:35You've got your work cut out.
22:36It's been earlier, dear.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:44Oh, Roger.
22:46I'm not that kind of girl.
22:50LAUGHTER
22:52How long's your rose going to be lying on that telephone?
22:55How should I go?
22:58Oh, that's a wicked thing to say, Roger, to a woman of my inexperience.
23:03I hope he knows what he's letting himself in for, this poor prat.
23:07You shouldn't listen in to other people's conversations.
23:10She'll rose him to death.
23:12It's inhuman.
23:14Well, yes, I'll meet you if you promise not to put me under any sort of pressure.
23:22LAUGHTER
23:24Well, well, yes, I suppose I could for an hour this afternoon.
23:29You'll pick me up.
23:32Where?
23:39Roger?
23:40As you know, I live with my sister, Hyacinth.
23:43I'll give you the address.
23:47Hey, Olive.
23:48Best be here, you girl.
23:50Don't let me down.
23:51Stop it, Olive.
23:53Olive.
23:54Stop it.
23:56Come here.
23:57Don't show me up.
23:59Will you come back?
24:00No, steady.
24:01Steady, Olive.
24:02Olive, stop it, Olive.
24:03Let me get me steady now.
24:04Come on.
24:05Steady there, Olive.
24:06Stop.
24:06Here we are.
24:08Give me her, Olive.
24:08Come back.
24:09Not that way.
24:11Come here.
24:12Come here.
24:13You're in the wrong way.
24:14Come on.
24:14This way.
24:15This way.
24:16Good dog.
24:17That's better.
24:18Good dog.
24:18Good dog.
24:19Good dog.
24:20Come on.
24:20Come on.
24:21Come on.
24:21That's it.
24:22Olive.
24:23Olive.
24:23Come on.
24:24Olive.
24:26Come along, Olive.
24:29Olive.
24:31That's the chance, girl.
24:32You're making me angry.
24:34You're making me angry.
24:37What are you doing?
24:38It's all right.
24:39I've called for Rose.
24:41Rose?
24:42Tell her it's Roger.
24:44Rose isn't here.
24:46Please take that thing out of my driveway.
24:50Thing?
24:51I'll have you know, this is a pedigree thing.
24:55Will you kindly remove it?
24:58This is a private driveway, and I'm expecting company at any minute.
25:03Oh, come on, Olive.
25:04I'll come back when Rose's mother's gone away.
25:13Can't you move it?
25:15Of course I can move it.
25:20You're giving the impression that you can't move it.
25:23She gets like this sometimes when she's upset.
25:30Olive.
25:33You can't leave her here.
25:35I'll be back.
25:37Where are you going?
25:38There's a little dog who lives at the end of the road she always plays with in the park.
25:41She'll move when she sees him.
25:43How long will you be?
25:45I'll be back as soon as I can.
25:47In the meantime, don't feed her.
25:50No intention of feeding her.
25:55Go.
25:59You can't stay here.
26:01Go.
26:15Hi, Asynth.
26:16Oh, and Dad, you've called.
26:17Now, you wanted me to be smart.
26:19Well, does this meet with your approval?
26:21Yes, it's very nice, dear.
26:22Will you give me a hand?
26:24Some fool's left half a camel or something on my driveway.
26:29I will not have it on my driveway when Mrs. Henderson arrives.
26:33You want me to help you move it dressed like this?
26:36I don't think it'll care how you dress, dear.
26:46You see?
26:47Half a camel.
26:49And a major half.
26:51If we could just get it into the street.
26:54Can we just park it in the street?
26:56Well, I have no money for a metre.
26:59How are we going to manage this?
27:01Well, I think the best thing is if you push and I'll steer.
27:07Now, just let me get a good grip.
27:14Now, pay attention, dog.
27:17Off we go, then.
27:29Are you watching, dear?
27:31Trying, Asynth.
27:33Seems to be an awful lot of dog.
27:44I think we're winning, dear.
27:51I think we're winning, dear.
28:06We'll win you in a moment, Mrs. Henderson.
28:11Oh, Mrs. Henderson, don't worry, Mrs. Henderson.
28:13I'm sure she'll be back quite soon.
28:16I'm sure she'll be back.
28:37I'm sure she'll be back at me.
28:44I'm sure she'll be back.
29:17Hello, welcome to England.
29:21Hello, welcome to England.
29:24Hello, welcome to England.
29:28Hello, welcome to England.
29:29It's much more than fish and chips.
29:31We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
29:33Bally-dop kids and a RS6.
29:35Big two fillies, small fillies with a kick.
29:36Bars with more grips, little creep in your crib.
29:38I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
29:40Take the cash down, get into the whip.
29:41Leaves roll racing, I'm feeling like Hummer.
29:43And weed rolls amazing, crops, yeah, I'm grabbing them.
29:45Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
29:47Follow West Wiltshire, police arrest running.