- 2 hours ago
Hyacinth is anxious that her neighbours view the arrival of her new suite, proudly boasting that it's an exact replica of one at Sandringham House, but the rest of the family conduct themselves rather less than regally.
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00:03I require your furniture department, please.
00:06The quality section, not the plywood end.
00:11Good morning!
00:13Am I speaking to the manager?
00:15I shan't settle for anything less.
00:18Good.
00:19Now, my name is Bouquet.
00:22That's B-U-C-K-E-T.
00:24No, it is Bouquet.
00:27You may remember that I called in earlier in the week to choose a three-piece suite.
00:34You do remember vividly. How very nice.
00:39That's right, I called in the week before, too.
00:42Yes, and the week before that.
00:45Well, these things are too important to rush.
00:48Now, you remember that I finally opted for a very superior suite,
00:52which you assured me was an exact replica of one at Sandringham House.
00:57And you promised delivery today.
01:00I'm ringing to ascertain the precise time that you intend to deliver.
01:05And will it be in one of your vans with the royal warrant on?
01:11All your vans have the royal warrant.
01:13That's good.
01:14On both sides.
01:16Because if it's only on the one side, I shall want you to park facing town.
01:22You have the royal warrant on both sides.
01:26That's very good.
01:32They do.
01:33They have the royal warrant on both sides.
01:38Of what?
01:39Of their delivery van.
01:41Oh, that's important, is it?
01:42Well, of course it's important.
01:45I want to make quite sure that it can be seen by number 23.
01:49Oh, the Barker Finches.
01:51Barker Finches, indeed.
01:54What an affectation.
01:56She was a Barker, he was a Finch.
01:58Suddenly they're hyphenated.
02:01I can't bear that sort of snobbery.
02:06Now, Richard, we must make quite sure that she has a clear view of the royal warrant on the side
02:12of that van.
02:18Come along, dear.
02:19There's work to be done.
02:25But what are we supposed to be measuring?
02:27What does it matter?
02:29As long as we're seen to be measuring, it will arouse people's curiosity.
02:34Especially the nosy Barker Finches.
02:36She'll never rest until she finds out what's happening.
02:39You know what she's like.
02:40I'll stand here, and you take this tape somewhere down there.
03:01Make a note of that, Richard.
03:04Make it look important.
03:06Message received and understood.
03:17Now, making important note.
03:22Richard!
03:26We'd better measure the width of the door.
03:32This gives them the clue that we're expecting a delivery.
03:35I can't see anybody watching, anyway.
03:38Oh, trust me, Richard.
03:40I can tell by the psychic pain between my shoulder blades.
03:43I can't shake the eyes behind those curtains.
03:45What are you going to do with the old suite?
03:49I've been thinking about that.
04:04I've been thinking about that.
04:09I'll get it.
04:10It's probably Boris.
04:13I've got a bone to pick with you.
04:15You should see the bruises this morning.
04:17Oh, it's you, Hyacinth.
04:20No, no, I thought it might be Boris.
04:22Well, I had.
04:24But we made it up last night.
04:26Twice.
04:28Well, yes, our Daisy's here.
04:30Well, of course I can pass you over to our Daisy.
04:33Of course she's up.
04:34We're all up.
04:35What do you think we are, a bunch of layabouts?
04:39It's for you, our Daisy.
04:40Get your body up.
04:42For me?
04:44It's our Hyacinth.
04:45She thinks you're still in bed.
04:47Damn cheek.
04:53What's all the fuss?
04:55It's our Hyacinth on the telephone.
04:59That's inconvenience at this hour.
05:01Still, let's face it.
05:03Your Hyacinth on the telephone is better odds than your Hyacinth in person.
05:07God forbid.
05:09I wonder what she wants.
05:10What have I done she might have found out about?
05:12Stop worrying.
05:13You're a free spirit.
05:14A married woman in your own right.
05:16Mistress of your own establishment.
05:18There's no reason to feel guilty with your Hyacinth.
05:21It's not as if we're twins.
05:23But she knows instinctively when I'm still in bed.
05:27Come on, Daisy.
05:31Richard, I want you to anticipate where delivery men of average height are liable to brush against my walls.
05:38Even if they do possess the royal warrant.
05:41I expect you to prevent it, Richard.
05:43How am I supposed to stop them brushing against your walls?
05:46By inserting yourself between the delivery man and my wallpaper.
05:51Daisy.
05:53All right, calm yourself, Daisy.
05:57I'm sorry if I seem to have accused you of still being in bed.
06:01I stand chastened and rebuked.
06:04They're all still in bed.
06:08How's poor Daddy this morning?
06:10Should I visit, do you think?
06:13What do you mean he's not that bad?
06:16Poor Daddy.
06:17I'd have him here if it wasn't for the dribbling.
06:22Give him my love.
06:24Daddy's just lying there staring at the ceiling.
06:27Well, at least while he's doing that, he's not chasing after ladies.
06:31Now, Daisy, pay attention, dear.
06:35Today, I am having a new three-piece suite delivered.
06:40It's an exact replica of one at Sandringham House.
06:43I thought you might like to have my old one,
06:46since yours is, well, shall we say, a trifle...
06:50weathered.
06:54I shall miss my old suite.
06:57We've had some happy hours on this suite.
07:00And you are, Rose,
07:02when you used to come home late with your gentleman friends.
07:05You've had some happy hours on this suite.
07:10Boris, you swine, you said you'd ring me.
07:15You were waiting for some magic words.
07:20You old softie.
07:23Go on.
07:24Tell me the words you want to hear.
07:28Reverse the charges.
07:29You cheeky swine.
07:32Are you sure this is necessary?
07:34Of course it's necessary.
07:36We acquired them for just this sort of occasion.
07:39Now, come along.
07:47I think it's a dominant comb here.
07:52That's right.
07:54And then it's partly here, dear.
07:58And to complete the triad,
08:00I think the equidistant are here.
08:03All right?
08:03We'll stop.
08:09We'll go.
08:17We'll try to.
08:38good morning
08:45he's so shy poor dear i do seem to have this rather powerful effect on him
08:55i really think he's a little attracted to me just a smooching
09:05who's that at the door hyacinth hyacinth
09:11you haven't left her on the doorstep only because i'm not big enough to throw her back onto the street
09:16you can't leave her on the doorstep we can try liz if we both pull together we can try
09:22you've got a thing about hyacinth don't let her in she'll sing at me
09:26she must have had some reason to come to the door and it can't be to sing at you well
09:31she will
09:32she'll sing at me do come in hyacinth good morning elizabeth dear thank you
09:40i've just popped in to invite you to a little three-piece sweet warming this evening
09:45it's just an informal little gathering where's your brother
09:56good morning emmett isn't he shy shall we say seven o'clock then
10:05and when we've all admired the sweet perhaps emmett would run off a little rondoletto in its honor
10:13i'm off men that's it finished there isn't one worth shaving your legs for
10:23do you think i should shave mine for onslau oh i shouldn't bother look
10:30your dad's just lying there staring at the ceiling we know they made his pills stronger at least you
10:37could have a conversation with him when he was a dirty old man he wasn't a dirty old man
10:43he just like the ladies that's all that's the first qualification
10:49what would you think if i shaved me legs i think it was too little too late
10:59you have to admire honesty any tea mashed it's very difficult to keep the interest of the man you
11:06married and still to find time for your library books on slow we're getting a three-piece sweet
11:14our house and sold one it looks like new isn't it gonna clash with our decor
11:24only if we wanted we've got to arrange to collect it there you go
11:28i hate it when things get complicated
11:35hierson when the van does come how can you make absolutely sure that mrs barker finch will see it
11:41i shall call her on the telephone what to invite her to look at the van now look richard i
11:47know what
11:48i'm doing dear surely you haven't forgotten how rude she was at my piano forte recital
11:53well which one was that i will not have pseudo hyphenated people boasting about their holidays
11:59abroad while i'm singing a selection from song of norway
12:04now come along dear keep watch now and i want to know the second that van arrives i'd love to
12:11know
12:11what you're going to say to her oh i shan't say anything i shall just bring her to the telephone
12:16and put mine down what's the point of that the point richard is that she will be standing near her
12:23window with the phone in her hand with nothing to do but look out and see the van there's been
12:30an
12:31accident i know my sweets in flames on the motorway i know it perhaps it's daddy he's been taken
12:37early he's gone to the hospital oh how inconvenient on the day of my sweet warming dear answer the
12:44telephone is probably nothing oh dear the bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking
12:52if this is bad news please speak slowly and solemnly
12:56if someone has incinerated my suite or if daddy's in hospital oh it's you violet thank goodness
13:04now look dear i can't stay long i'm expecting a three-piece suite it's an exact replica of one at
13:10sandringham house yes you must come and see it dear come in the mercedes you know how well it looks
13:16in
13:16the drive no i must rush dear what do you mean you haven't managed to get a word in edgeways
13:24i'm sorry
13:25father but i am a little overstrung today yeah what what about bruce dear it's bruce again dear
13:35uh what's he done now curb crawling
13:44too many drivers these days are tearing about recklessly you should be proud of bruce that he
13:51takes his highway code so seriously oh let him curb crawl if he wants to i say
13:58if only more people cared as much about road safety
14:01i think he's setting us all a wonderful example goodbye
14:08poor bruce and he may have his little oddities of behavior but he buys my sister everything
14:16a beautiful house a swimming pool a top of the range mercedes and now she complains when he drives it
14:23too slowly actually a hyacinth curb crawling is driving very slowly indeed well i think it'd make
14:30a welcome change when you're standing waiting to cross the road in all my years as a pedestrian
14:35i can't recall a single encounter with a curb crawler
14:43you know and i bet it's i bet it's something the curb crawler would have remembered too
14:49oh good they're all in the garden at villa costa blanca they'll see the van oh
14:57my sweet i know the band's toppled over a bridge or it's been crushed by an avalanche
15:02go beyond oh daddy's poor old heart's given way at last there is nothing wrong with your father's
15:08heart he chased that lady traffic warden three quarters of a mile through the park
15:14what do you mean chase they just happen to be going in the same direction
15:21the bouquet residence the lady of the house speaking now look if it's about my suite will
15:26you give me a moment to steal myself oh yes i'll accept the charge
15:34sheridan
15:37oh how sensitive of you dear to ring mummy at this critical juncture
15:43yes how mysterious the threads that bind us together how much
15:50isn't that rather a lot dear do you really need all that why a walking holiday with your friend tarquin
16:00in iceland why iceland dear oh you want to go and write poetry together
16:07but i mean isn't iceland rather dangerous dear don't they have volcanoes there and geezers
16:13the van's here the man is here yeah oh that means i won't be able to ring mrs barker finch
16:20now
16:21it's sheridan dear he wants 400 pounds for a walking holiday with his friend tarquin
16:26they want to explore the geezers in iceland 400 pounds for that much they could go by taxi look
16:33go and talk to the band driver tell him to go around the block again how can i ask him
16:38to do
16:38that please just go dear use your initiative and give me time to listen to sheridan i'm sorry about
16:46this dear it's a very hectic day here now go on really be firm dear
16:52look for sheridan i'm terribly worried about iceland it's so rugged dear and so far
17:00couldn't you walk tarquin at filey i'll print it on c
17:09uh bucket
17:12some people think it's pronounced bouquet i tell you that in the spirit of good fellowship in case
17:18you should find yourself talking to my wife are we in the right place yes you've come to the right
17:24place the place is not in question it's the timing do you think you could go round again
17:32do you think you could go around the block again just a few streets believe me it would make life
17:37for those of us who live here considerably easier
17:43well it's it's a long story you don't have to go far just round the block for a few moments
17:49and then
17:49return oh well listen at these prices we'll keep going around again once will be enough
18:01are you sure that being a poet is quite respectable wouldn't something executive be nicer
18:11no look sheridan let's discuss this later dear it's a critical time for mummy she's having a three-piece
18:17sweet yes it's an exact replica of one in sandringham house now take care dear and wear your knee bandage
18:28and daddy sends love yeah and that's all i'm sending i've just had to buy a furniture van
18:34don't worry about that dear goodbye
18:38sheridan wants to be a poet well that's this week it'll die out i think it's my fault i've always
18:45encouraged him to be artistic but i meant within a proper salary scale and a decent pension plan
18:51the vans go around the block back in two minutes well done dear you see what you can do if
18:57you put
18:57your mind to it why does he want us to go around again who cares why he wants us to
19:03go around again
19:04how much did you give us anyway oh yeah you can hang on you've got half of it look at
19:10look at where are you going
19:18oh don't dilly dally dear there can't be all that many barker finches in the book well i haven't found
19:23one yet the van will be back again before i get a chance to ring her here it is uh
19:29three four one
19:30nine seven three four one one nine seven do you really think this is a good idea look the woman
19:40chatted the whole way through my piano 40 recital she ruined my rallentandos
20:03that's brought her to the window now where's that van
20:12maybe we should have run first she said we had to collect it didn't she she wants the old suite
20:18out
20:18the way doesn't she i wonder if he's in next door the divorce person oh he looks so sad he
20:28needs the
20:28skills of someone sympathetic to cheer him out don't you start mauling him again i rose i wouldn't
20:36call it mauling him i was just sympathizing you could get three years for sympathy like that
20:45oh look at that i've got to run into your place she's certainly organized
20:52liz what's that awful old truck doing outside hyacinths
20:56get rid of them they've come for the suite you offered them our own suite get rid of them
21:02ye gods with mrs barker finch watching this is all i need onslow in some borrowed death trap of a
21:09vehicle get rid of them what about our suite oh tell them to come back later after dark
21:16providing there isn't a moon well i can't just ask them to go away richard you know i love my
21:22family but
21:23that's no reason why i should have to acknowledge them in broad daylight now go out there and convince
21:29mrs barker finch that they're just people who have stopped to ask the way how am i supposed to do
21:35that
21:35she's standing by her window she cannot hear what's being said we've got to make it look as though we're
21:41just giving directions to passing strangers oh watch me dear i'll show you what i mean
21:50oh
21:55may i help you people
22:03why should her mind have gone she has no romance in her life mine would have gone
22:11she's not the only one with no romance in her life what about last week
22:16i was the week before
22:21keeping records now are we the blonde one's there the one that's always trying to seduce me
22:29rose if they're family why is house acting as if they're strangers that's the impression she likes
22:35to give you don't think the blonde one will try and force her way in do you in here oh
22:44i hardly think
22:45so i wish you'd sound a bit more optimistic the point is my suite hasn't arrived yet i'm expecting
22:51the van any minute so if you could clear this area and perhaps pop back later after dark well
23:03i'll have your suite waiting you can collect it then and take it off down there
23:09take the first turn left and proceed along until you come as far as
23:14and instead of standing there looking at me with your mouths wide open why don't you all get back
23:19into that vehicle drive off in that direction take the first turning left which will bring you to you
23:24nowhere
23:36it hurts my mind's gone i think it's sad yes but we still get the suite i'll give my regards
23:45to him
23:54thank goodness that's over fancy bringing a vehicle in that condition into a residential area
24:01if sheridan were here he'd be appalled
24:06richard i want you to stay here and look like someone expecting a van
24:11hyacinth that should keep mrs barker finch at her window
24:19the bakaria residence the lady of the house speaking
24:24no i cannot send round another portion of stir fried squid with fish balls and broccoli
24:30this is not the green lotus chinese takeaway
24:34i may only be one digit removed but believe me it's a whole other world
24:39i heard that and it wasn't chinese your suite is here oh at last let's hope that mrs barker finch
24:48is
24:48still at the window yeah just the suites here not the van not the van no not the fan with
24:55the royal
24:56warrant no i'm afraid not it's had an accident in the next street oh no but surely their relief van
25:02displays the royal wallet well it's not actually their relief van it's just somebody who's uh come to
25:07the rescue oh that's very kind of them dear and when the suite's in place we'll have to ask them
25:18in
25:18and they can have tea out of my royal doughton with the hand-painted periwinkles oh after all my
25:24trouble mrs barker finch at the window and not a royal warrant in sight never mind it's here
25:39you should have seen that hey good job we were passing yes isn't it well isn't it i suppose so
25:52i suppose honslow meant well you better tip the furniture man richard again
26:00does honslow still get tea when he's finished well of course he can have tea afterwards
26:09but not out of my royal doughton
26:14and he won't sit on my new suite either
26:28hello welcome to england hello welcome to england it's much more than fish and chips we've got
26:34chicks for the tits and the big filled lips ballied up kids and the rs6 big two fiddies
26:38more fiddies with a kick guys with more bips that'll creep in your crib i smell bacon i smell pigs
26:43till the cash down get into the whip leaves roll racing i'm feeling like hamilton weed grows amazing
26:47crops yeah i'm grabbing them don't give a fuck in the truck and i'm ramming them
26:50fuck the west yorkshire police here they're standing