- 14 minutes ago
Hyacinth and Richard learn they don't know much about sailing while spending the weekend aboard a cruiser.
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00:05Good morning, madam. You the one with the wonky telly?
00:07No, I am not the one with the wonky telly.
00:11I am the lady whose television requires adjusting.
00:14Oh, I see. Can I come in?
00:17If you promise not to brush against my walls.
00:21They've recently been redecorated up to and beyond British standards.
00:27Now, wipe your shoes.
00:30On second thoughts, you'd better remove them.
00:33But I've...
00:34No, you'll be perfectly all right.
00:36You'll be standing on grade one ax, Minster.
00:53This way.
00:56And be careful.
01:03What exactly is wrong with your set? Is it the picture or the sound?
01:06It's neither.
01:07What I want you to do is to insert one of those little things that goes bleep over every expletive.
01:13Come along.
01:31Oh, I wish I could do with my love life what Onslow does with that telly.
01:36Help yourself.
01:38You spilled beer all over it yesterday.
01:42Oh!
01:43Oh, suck yourself down now, Rose.
01:45Are you sure he's worth it?
01:47Oh, this one's different.
01:48It's only in books they're different.
01:51In life, they spill beer on the telly.
01:54This one's single.
01:57Now, that is different.
01:59How long's he been divorced?
02:01Oh, Mr. Bartholomew's never been married.
02:04What?
02:04Diabolical cunning.
02:06Mr. Bartholomew's a very quiet, shy, respectable person.
02:12Were they out of riffraff this week?
02:14I don't only meet riffraff.
02:17That's all you bring here.
02:18That's all you can bring here.
02:22Where on earth did you meet a shy, quiet, respectable person?
02:27I bumped into him coming out of this awful low boozer.
02:32If he's so shy, what's he doing an awful low boozer?
02:36Oh, not him.
02:36It was me coming out of the awful low boozer.
02:40Did you bring any beer?
02:41No, I didn't.
02:43I'm sitting here completely surrounded by no beer.
02:48Hello.
02:49Is that the meteorological office?
02:52Good morning to you.
02:54My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T.
02:58I'd like your shipping forecast department, please.
03:01Do we really need the shipping forecast?
03:03Richard, we're going yachting this weekend.
03:06We need the shipping forecast.
03:09Yes, but it's not...
03:10I will not embark on an expedition of this magnitude without taking elementary precautions.
03:16The boat will be actually moving.
03:18We're spending the weekend tied up alongside.
03:24Hello, yes.
03:26And good morning to you.
03:28Now, my husband and I are going yachting this weekend, and we'd like your shipping forecast.
03:36Which area?
03:38Which area?
03:38Well, tell them.
03:40Tell them where the boat is moored.
03:42I don't have an exact compass bearing to hand, but we'll be on the river near Oxford.
03:52Well, why am I not entitled to a shipping forecast?
03:56Look, I may not be going as far as fish a German bite, but are such things as Cromarty, Dogger
04:02and Heligoland strictly reserved for special sailors?
04:07Look, I warn you.
04:09If we get lost in a hurricane, I'll report you to your superiors.
04:18If I hear the word yacht from that woman just once more, I swear I'll buy a U-boat.
04:26I wish I hadn't accepted Hyacinth's invitation now.
04:30Look, I hope you're not going to go in that mood.
04:31We've heard nothing but yachts for the whole damn week.
04:35Oh, I feel as if I've already sailed, single-handed the entire length and breadth of the uncharted Hyacinth.
04:42Still, it is kind of her to invite us down for the night, I think.
04:46Kind?
04:48It's chilling.
04:49Just imagine, a whole night on board some old bucket, with another old bucket.
05:00Two shirts.
05:02Ah.
05:04One, two.
05:10A jersey.
05:12You'll need a serviceable seagoing jersey.
05:15For being moored at a jetty.
05:19The least you can do, Richard, is try to look the part.
05:24Life belts.
05:28Shall we need life belts?
05:30Well, only on one side of the boat.
05:35I do wish you would stop referring to it as a boat.
05:38The word is yacht, dear.
05:40It's the least you can do when Sheridan's made arrangements for us to spend the weekend on his friend's father's
05:46yacht.
05:58Mustn't appear too eager.
06:00Oh, go on, then.
06:02Hello?
06:04Oh, Mr Bartholomew.
06:08The last person I expected.
06:11It's him.
06:12It's Mr Bartholomew.
06:14Who?
06:16Shut up.
06:18No.
06:19No, no, no.
06:20You're not interrupting anything.
06:21No.
06:23I was just sitting here quietly, reading my prayer book.
06:32Oh, yes.
06:34Yes, I often read my prayer book.
06:39But the family laugh at me.
06:42There goes Rose again, they say, reading her prayer book.
06:48Yes, I agree.
06:50Perhaps I...
06:51I don't look religious.
06:53But isn't there something in the Bible about hiding your light under a bushel?
06:58A very short bushel.
07:08Oh, Richard, that's not very Hearts of Oak, is it?
07:13It's as far as I go, old sea dog-wise.
07:17You're not exactly tackling the armada.
07:20We are a seafaring nation.
07:22I will not permit you to walk in the shadow of Nelson and Raleigh in a sweater like...
07:35Don't forget the ship's biscuits, dear.
07:39And the weevils.
07:42The McKay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
07:45Oh, it's you, Rose.
07:48You've caught me just in time, dear.
07:50Richard and I are going off yachting this weekend.
07:56You want me to lend you what, dear?
07:58A prayer book.
08:00Why do you need a prayer book, Rose?
08:03Oh!
08:06Richard, Rose's new gentleman friend sounds rather religious.
08:09But he'll need all the help he can get.
08:13This is very good news, dear.
08:16It's time you settle down with someone respectable.
08:19Oh!
08:20Why don't you and Mr Bartholomew drive out to our yacht this afternoon
08:25and partake of tea and nautical light refreshments?
08:34All ready for the off, Richard?
08:35Or should I say, anchors away!
08:38I wish you wouldn't.
08:39I really wish you wouldn't.
08:41A weekend on board?
08:42Make a change for you.
08:44I suppose so.
08:45We'll be seeing you later.
08:46Yes.
08:47Looking forward to it.
08:49It's very kind of you to lie like that.
08:51It's make a change for all of us.
08:53And it's very kind of Hyacinth to invite us.
08:57Oh!
08:58Good grief!
08:59I've just realised.
09:00What's the matter?
09:01I hope I don't spill drinks on somebody's yacht.
09:04I mean, will it be rocking a lot, do you think?
09:07Oh, I shouldn't think so.
09:08It's moored.
09:09We're not actually moving it.
09:11Oh, that's a relief.
09:16That does put my sweat in the shade.
09:21Oh, I say, Hyacinth.
09:23You do look the part.
09:26Thank you, dear.
09:27I think one has a duty to dress for the occasion.
09:35You'll join us later, Elizabeth.
09:37Yes, looking forward to it.
09:39You'll come alongside this evening
09:41in time for drinks on my nautical buffet.
10:10Slowly pass number 32.
10:12You're going too fast.
10:14I'm hardly moving.
10:15I want them to see that we're going yachting.
10:18Why?
10:20She puts her nose in the air when she's going golfing.
10:22I want her to get a good view of this yachting cap.
10:26She'll probably think you're selling ice cream or something.
10:32I don't like that tone, Richard.
10:35Though it's true she might mistake the occasion unless she gets a better view.
10:39Stop the car.
10:41No, not here, dear.
10:44Outside number 32.
10:50Now, we'll both get out and wave goodbye to Elizabeth.
10:53This has gone indoors.
10:55I can see that, Richard, but she can't see that at number 32.
11:10Is she watching?
11:12I feel as though everybody's watching.
11:15Goodbye!
11:17Bye.
11:18Say hi, dear.
11:19Goodbye.
11:21Now, say something nautical.
11:23Like what?
11:24Oh, good gracious, Richard.
11:27Do I have to think of everything?
11:29Say goodbye with a nautical flavour.
11:32I only know ship ahoy.
11:34That's me finished.
11:36Well, that's no good, dear.
11:38Now, come on.
11:39Heave to and weigh anchor.
11:41What?
11:42Get in the car.
11:45See you on board, dear.
11:48Cocktails on the quarter deck.
12:00You're letting the side down, Richard.
12:03She didn't see you at number 32 because you look most unseaman-like.
12:09I am unseaman-like.
12:10I think it only fair to warn you, Hyacinth, that I should always be unseaman-like.
12:16Nonsense!
12:16British people have the sea in their blood.
12:19All I've got is the undiluted red stuff, and it's quite sufficient, thank you.
12:24Thank you, sir.
12:27Can I help you, madam?
12:28What have you got for a yacht?
12:31Pardon?
12:32My husband needs to be kitted out for our yacht.
12:39I'm not sure we have anything suitable in stock.
12:42Oh, well, that's it then.
12:43Let's be off.
12:44We could order you something.
12:46There's no time.
12:47We set sail this afternoon.
12:51Now, come here, Richard.
12:53Don't give up so quickly.
12:55Let's see what we can find.
13:00Well, you look much better, Richard.
13:03Much more seaman-like.
13:04Quite the nautical figure.
13:08Richard?
13:10Come along, Richard.
13:11We'll miss the tide.
13:17I'm sure you feel much more comfortable and relaxed now.
13:26I do not feel relaxed.
13:29Well, you look fine.
13:34Sailor?
13:42Oh, do stop moaning, Richard.
13:47You're on holiday.
13:48It's a little holiday.
13:49I can't help it.
13:51I feel peculiar every time I see these terrible white things.
13:54What terrible white things?
13:56My knees.
13:58Why the devil do I have to wear shorts?
14:01If shorts are good enough for the Royal Navy,
14:04I see no reason why you should complain, Richard.
14:09Turn here.
14:10Which way?
14:11Port.
14:12No, no, starboard.
14:22Reception's round the corner, dear.
14:35I'm glad we dressed you in something more suitable.
14:37I'm just glad I'm not where anyone knows me.
14:39Oh, that's a nice one over there.
14:42Mmm, I think I could take to cruising.
14:47Smell that air.
14:49It's only the river.
14:50We're not in the roaring forties.
14:51Now, Richard,
14:52I will not have you muttering mutinously.
14:56Wait here
14:57whilst I go into the marina office
14:59and receive the keys to our yacht.
15:08Well, I can't stand here chatting.
15:10We must wear anchor.
15:12So it's goodbye, my hearties.
15:17Here we are, then.
15:18The keys to Contessa 2.
15:20She lies at birth 29.
15:22Contessa 2, Richard.
15:24Lovely name.
15:25Sounds very expensive.
15:26Which way is birth 29?
15:28I'd like to get indoors.
15:30Richard.
15:30Not indoors, dear.
15:32Down below.
15:33Which way is it?
15:34This way.
15:35It's full steam ahead, Richard,
15:38for birth 29.
15:46Ahoy there!
15:56Keep up, Richard!
15:58Come alongside!
16:00Come alongside!
16:04Oh, Richard, look!
16:08She's beautiful!
16:11You must take a photograph, dear.
16:13Oh!
16:20Take it from over there, dear.
16:27There's a draught from the water.
16:30Take a nice one, Richard.
16:34We might make it our Christmas card this year.
16:38Why not?
16:38It's cold enough from where I'm standing.
16:44Right.
16:45Come on, Richard.
16:46Come aboard, dear.
16:47Look sharp and be ship-shape, Richard!
16:56Isn't it exciting?
16:59Beautiful!
17:00A fine ship, Richard!
17:06Oh!
17:12Oh!
17:13Oh!
17:14Some fools give me the wrong keys.
17:17How annoying.
17:19You'll have to go back to the office, Richard.
17:22And make sure you get the right keys this time.
17:25Ah!
17:26I'll stay here and guard ship.
17:29From what?
17:30I don't think pirates get this far.
17:34I'm going.
17:45Hyacinth, it's not the wrong key.
17:47It's the wrong boat.
17:49What do you mean it's the wrong boat?
17:51It's ideal.
17:52I like it very much.
17:54It's not Contessa 2.
17:56If you don't believe me, come and read the name.
18:03See?
18:04How disappointing.
18:07Unless, of course, Contessa 2's an even nicer boat.
18:11They said Berth 29.
18:13Maybe there's another boat in Berth 29.
18:29How can I entertain people to a nautical buffet on a thing like that?
18:39Oh, Liz.
18:41You look really smart.
18:43Oh, please don't say that with quite such an air of surprise.
18:47I suppose that means I've got to make some sort of effort.
18:49Well, after all, it is some kind of yacht.
18:52We can't go looking like stowaways.
18:54I wish we weren't going at all.
18:56She'll only sing at me.
18:58It's not a singing occasion.
18:59She always sings at me.
19:02I've had close-ups of that woman's epiglottis you wouldn't believe.
19:06But it's not as if there'll be a piano.
19:09Now, I very much doubt if a yacht is big enough for a piano.
19:13See, Shanties.
19:15I'll die if she starts singing sea shanties.
19:19It's not a bad little craft.
19:21It's just that she looks so inferior compared to the one next door.
19:27That's it?
19:29Hmm?
19:30Richard!
19:31You've hit it.
19:33You're going to have to move her.
19:35Me?
19:36How clever of you, dear.
19:38We must move her.
19:39She'll look better on her own.
19:41I haven't got a clue how to move her.
19:43Will you drive a car, dear?
19:48Not really.
19:49I just steer.
19:50I always feel that you're the one in the driving.
19:56I told you you could do it.
20:00Now, I will assume command and navigate.
20:06I think first, a little bit this way.
20:09Stop it.
20:10That's port.
20:12Oh, well, you know what I mean, dear.
20:13Now, on my word of command, move a little bit this way, whatever it's called.
20:24I'm waiting, Richard.
20:26Full steam ahead.
20:29Slice the main brace or whatever.
20:31Do something, Richard.
20:39Oh, I don't know what happened there.
20:41Perhaps it's sort of petrol.
20:45I see.
20:47I see.
20:55I hope that's you, Richard.
20:57I will not be handled by strange sailors.
21:03There you are.
21:04That's turned it round.
21:06Thanks.
21:07Now, don't jerk it this time.
21:10Whatever it was you did last time, don't do it again.
21:13I can't remember what I did.
21:15Well, that's good, dear, because we won't need that again.
21:19Now, Richard, concentrate.
21:21Bring her gently forward.
21:27Very gently.
21:33You're going backwards, Richard.
21:36I can see that.
21:38I want you to come this way.
21:42She doesn't seem to want to come that way.
21:46Do stop playing around, Richard, and come back here.
21:55Richard, where are you going?
21:59Richard, I order you.
22:04Here.
22:05Don't tell me.
22:07Tell the boat.
22:18Use the brake, Richard.
22:21There doesn't seem to be one.
22:24Of course there's a brake.
22:26How do you think they used to stop the Queen Mary?
22:31Now, switch the engine on.
22:40Oh, man.
22:43Now, bring her into the side and let me come on board.
22:46It's very tiring, boating on foot.
23:00Get closer, Richard.
23:03I'm trying.
23:06Hold the boat with your feet.
23:08Pull with both hands.
23:14That's better.
23:19Could you hurry up a bit?
23:20It's getting rather difficult.
23:23Do stop harassing me, Richard.
23:39There it's better.
23:41Now then, Richard.
23:42Richard?
23:43Richard!
23:46Don't leave the boat, Richard!
23:50Don't forget to write.
23:53How dare you abandon ship, Richard!
24:02Richard!
24:04Help me!
24:06Throw me a rope!
24:13Well caught, dear!
24:19Keep up, Richard!
24:21Keep up!
24:23Keep up!
24:24Keep up!
24:25Keep up, Richard!
24:26It's Mr. Richard!
24:28No!
24:31No!
24:32No!
24:33Whatever made you do that, dear?
24:35You are careless.
24:38Do something, Hyazin!
24:41No!
24:42No!
24:44No!
24:45No!
24:46No!
24:47No!
24:47No!
24:49No!
24:49Just mind your new jersey.
24:51Turn it off, change it off!
24:59Now, just look at your jersey.
25:06Now, stop messing about with you, Richard, dear, and pull a board.
25:10Richard, raise yourself!
25:13That's what I'm trying to do!
25:16Well, try a bit harder!
25:20Oh, my God!
25:25Oh, my God!
25:27Oh, my God!
25:29Oh, my God!
25:30Oh, my God!
25:30Oh, my God!
25:32Oh, my God!
25:32I said meet them at the marina office.
25:34Well, she's not here.
25:35Well, they must have gone for sale.
25:40Listen.
25:42What's that noise?
25:45Oh, my God!
25:46Oh, my God!
25:50Oh, my God!
25:52Oh, my God!
25:53Oh, yes, Elizabeth!
25:54My nautical buffet has suffered a slight setback.
25:58I am going home.
26:01We're all going home, Richard.
26:03And we'll buy us some fish and chips.
26:10Hello, welcome to England.
26:14Hello, welcome to England.
26:17Hello, welcome to England.
26:21Hello, welcome to England.
26:24Hello, welcome to England.
26:26It's much more than fish and chips.
26:27We've got chicks with the tits and the big filled lips.
26:29Ballyed up kids and the RS6.
26:31Big two fillies, four fillies with a kick.
26:33Guys with more grips, little creep in your crib.
26:35I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
26:36Take the cash down, get into the whip.
26:38Leeds roll waste and I'm feeling like Hamilton.
26:40Weegros amazing, Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
26:42Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
26:43Fuck the West Yorkshire, police, yeah, they're standing there.