- 2 hours ago
Hyacinth finds herself with an ideal opportunity to impress Emmet with her singing when she discovers that he is involved in a concert at the church hall. However, Richard has other things on his mind, dreading the thought of early retirement and having to spend more time with his wife.
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00:05The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
00:09Do I sound like a Chinese takeaway?
00:13I am a highly desirable private residence in an area of outstanding natural property values.
00:20And I'm waiting for your apology.
00:23Unless, of course, the thought of bean shoots and crispy wonton have totally stir-fried you basically have.
00:29Now, kindly clear this line.
00:31There are people of substance in this community who are probably queuing to ring me at this very moment.
00:38Your suggestion is noted.
00:40But I see little practical merit in having the telephone up my jumper.
00:48I've just been insulted on my own telephone.
00:51I expect the opportunities are rare of being insulted on other people's.
00:55I think it's time, Richard, that you complain.
00:58About what?
01:00About these wrong numbers for the Chinese takeaway.
01:03You must ring the ambassador.
01:05What ambassador?
01:06The Chinese, of course.
01:09I don't think it's really his province.
01:11Then what's he here for?
01:13Well, probably for more than that.
01:15They're a very ancient civilisation.
01:16Oh, Richard, don't just sit there.
01:20They'll get directly inquiries.
01:25That's it.
01:27Finished.
01:28No more men.
01:30Enough's enough.
01:30In the end, they all deceive you.
01:35After all I've done for that swine to leave me for another woman, I don't care if she is his
01:41wife.
01:43Well, it's over.
01:45I've learnt my lesson.
01:47I only want one.
01:49I wish you'd find yourself a nice, steady bloke.
01:52Give your hormones a chance to settle.
01:57Stop living on your nerves.
01:59And my fags.
02:02My hormones have settled.
02:04I've finished.
02:04No more men.
02:06The swine.
02:08He swore he'd love me to the end of time.
02:11I didn't realise he meant closing time.
02:15Go on, then.
02:17Read me some book.
02:19I love you, he said, lifting her gently onto the balcony.
02:24Oh, Jeremy, she said.
02:26Oh, chuffing it.
02:38Hello!
02:41Good morning, Mr. Kenworthy.
02:43Good morning, Mrs. Bucket.
02:47Were you going too fast?
02:49It's the modern disease.
02:51Have you hurt yourself?
02:53I do hope you've sustained no injury.
02:55No, thank you.
02:56I'm fine.
02:57Your waving distracted me.
02:59Really?
03:01I'd ask you in, only my husband's busy on the telephone with the Chinese ambassador.
03:13I wonder if I might ask you not to cough or sneeze too loudly.
03:17My husband's on the telephone with the Chinese ambassador.
03:21They're a very ancient civilisation.
03:32Well, what did he say?
03:33I had to leave a message.
03:35It was an answering machine.
03:36Oh.
03:36Was it a cultured voice?
03:38Yes.
03:39Well, that's it, then.
03:40You've been speaking to the ambassador.
03:43How do you think so?
03:45Now, don't contradict me, Richard.
03:47It's very tiring.
03:49You ought to be very pleased that you're on chatting terms with the Chinese ambassador.
03:53Who is?
03:54We are.
03:56You left a message on his machine, therefore, he will ring us back.
04:02I must tell my Sheridan.
04:14No sign of her.
04:15Let's get in the car on her way before she spots us.
04:19You're getting paranoid about Hyacinth.
04:21Which seems a very sensible way to be.
04:33Not so loud.
04:35Emmett, I'm at my own home in broad daylight.
04:37I see no reason to creep about.
04:40I can give you one damn good reason to creep about.
04:46No.
04:47I've got a better idea.
04:49Let's freewheel down the drive and start the car in the street.
04:52There isn't any sleep.
04:53I'll give you a push.
04:54Emmett.
04:55It's worth it, Liz.
04:56Believe me, it's worth it.
04:58If she spots us, she'll want to know where we're going.
05:00You'll tell her because you can't lie.
05:05Why is it?
05:06You're a grown woman and you can't lie.
05:29I'll get Richard to give you a hand.
05:34That's if he's finished his diplomatic call.
05:37It's all right, Hyacinth.
05:38Honestly.
05:39No, I won't be dissuaded.
05:42That's what friends are for.
05:43People, people, people, people, people, people, are the Lord.
05:52Quick, stop the car.
05:59I'll go where there are no men.
06:03I'll emigrate somewhere desolate with none of the creature comforts.
06:10Scrub that.
06:11Too much like home.
06:16Men.
06:18How can you go on reading romantic dribble when you know what men are like?
06:24In this book, they're terrific.
06:28Jeremy has hair like golden corn.
06:31He's tall and slender.
06:34A magnificent figure on a horse.
06:42So how come I'm still in love with Onslow?
06:44You must be coming unglued in the head.
06:47Any more clothes?
06:48Get them yourself.
06:49It's all right.
06:50I'll get them.
06:52You'd think his hair was like golden corn.
06:56Smoky bacon flavour.
06:58There's no smoky bacon flavour left.
07:01Oh, nice.
07:05Could be the alternator.
07:07Right.
07:08Try now, Liz.
07:12Well done, Richard.
07:14Yes.
07:14Thank you very much.
07:15We're getting doobles, really.
07:17Don't be so modest.
07:19It was very kind of you.
07:20I don't think I did anything, really.
07:22Well, you did enough, dear.
07:24And now Elizabeth and Emmett can be off to where they're going.
07:29Wherever that is.
07:32Are you going far?
07:34No.
07:35Not far.
07:36Well, it's very mysterious.
07:38Is it a very interesting not far?
07:41It's just the church hall, Hyacinth.
07:44Oh, the church hall.
07:45I didn't know there was a function.
07:47No, no, no.
07:48Not a function, really.
07:49It's just that the people are saying that it's just a bit of music for those people.
07:56Oh, well, what a good idea.
07:59Richard, we'd better get along.
08:01Mustn't delay these people.
08:04Well, I thought she'd push her way in.
08:06I could have sworn she'd want to sing.
08:08Well, there you are, you see.
08:09You're being unfair to her.
08:12I've just had a wonderful idea.
08:14What are you going to do?
08:16You play and I'll sing.
08:18For the old people, bless them.
08:21How they'll enjoy it.
08:23I'll ring the vicar now.
08:25And I'll see you at the church hall.
08:37Oh, may I speak to the vicar, please?
08:42Not available.
08:43Is he busy?
08:44Oh, ringing the bells.
08:46Oh.
08:47Rings his own bells.
08:48How democratic.
08:51Oh, I can just picture the vicar at the end of his rope.
08:55Now, I assume I'm speaking to the vicar's wife.
08:58Yes, well, you remember me, dear.
09:01Hyacinth Bouquet.
09:03Oh, that is a bad cough, dear.
09:04Something's gone down the wrong way.
09:07Now, I want you to pass a little message to the vicar.
09:10He'll be thrilled.
09:12We have a surprise for the old people's entertainment.
09:15Tell the vicar that it won't just be Piano Forty.
09:18I've volunteered my services to sing.
09:22You must take something for that cough, dear.
09:27The Bucket Woman.
09:31He'll go mad when I tell him it's the Bucket Woman.
09:48The Bucket Woman.
09:58Which shall I wear, dear?
10:01Oh, I wish you wouldn't give me that kind of responsibility.
10:04You know I value your opinion, Richard.
10:07Since when?
10:08I'll wear this one.
10:10Glad I sorted that out for you.
10:13Ah!
10:14I'll answer it.
10:16La la la dee.
10:17La la la dee.
10:19The Bucket residence.
10:21The lady of the house speaking.
10:23Richard?
10:24Oh, yes, he's here.
10:26She'll find out sooner or later.
10:28Why did you tell her?
10:29Yes, but I had to tell her.
10:32I mean, you were there.
10:33She practically dragged it out of me.
10:36One more hesitation, she'd have torn out my fingernails.
10:39You could have lied.
10:41Well, you know how bad I am at lying.
10:43I'll teach you.
10:45Well, just make the best of it.
10:47It's for the old people.
10:48Of whom I'm going to be one before this is over.
10:52Well, be fair to her.
10:53She's got a rich, strong voice.
10:57It's not the voice.
10:59It's who's in charge of it.
11:11Who was it, dear?
11:16It was the head of my department.
11:19Oh, that's nice, dear.
11:21They're thinking of offering some people early retirement.
11:25Hmm?
11:26He wants to know how I feel about early retirement.
11:30Oh, Richard.
11:32That means we'd be together all day and every day.
11:54Well, how do I look?
11:57Great.
12:00How do I look?
12:01Fine.
12:04There's only the dog paying any attention.
12:11Somebody turn the set off.
12:13Rose turned the set off.
12:15Thank God for that.
12:16I thought I'd gone blind.
12:19Could you spare me one moment of your time?
12:22It's important to me.
12:24How do I look?
12:27Figuring black.
12:29I've seen it somewhere.
12:32Weren't you in Frankenstein's House of Horrors?
12:36What are you doing, all dressed and black?
12:38Practising.
12:40I'm taking the veil.
12:42I'm going to be a nun.
12:45Your skirt's too short.
12:48Well, I've it lengthened.
12:50Talk about poacher-turning gamekeeper.
12:52They'll never take you for a nun.
12:54They might, if I can get a recommendation from a clergyman.
12:58You don't even know a clergyman.
13:00Oh, I met that dishy vicar at our Iosin.
13:03The way you threw yourself at him, he'll never recommend you for a nun.
13:09You're too emotional, are you, Rose?
13:11Oh, I've taken care of that.
13:13I've taken a tranquiliser.
13:16She'll slow me down to a more religious speed.
13:20I hope your brakes don't fail in front of that vicar.
13:29Early retirement.
13:41Richard, the door.
13:49Oh, dear, this door.
13:58Richard, what on earth's the matter with you, dear?
14:01What's the matter with me?
14:02Nothing.
14:03No, should anything be the matter.
14:04Yeah.
14:28I shall start with a few of the old favourites.
14:31They love the old favourites.
14:33Sheridan always loved the old favourites.
14:35We have to have a talk, Hyacinth, about early retirement.
14:40And for a finale, I think a medley from The Sound of Music.
14:46Turn left here, Richard.
14:48For that, I shall wear my Austrian hat, the one with the feather.
14:53I wonder if Emmett has any leather shorts.
14:57You mean with me talking, too?
15:03He could have, you know.
15:05Anyone who's in an operatic society should have some leather shorts.
15:08Of course, he'd probably left them behind.
15:13You could go and fetch them for him, Richard.
15:15Turn left, dear.
15:17And you've got to promise me that when we have our talk,
15:19that you make an effort and try to listen when you're not actually saying anything.
15:26Richard, are you listening?
15:27Are you paying attention, dear?
15:30You've not been listening.
15:32Turn right, dear.
15:39What are we doing here?
15:42You said turn right.
15:45I meant right at the next junction.
15:49You were going to allow me to go all that way without further instructions.
15:53I want you to stop rehearsing now, Richard.
15:57This is not the kind of area in which I wish to be seen parking.
16:03Right, I'm off.
16:05Don't I get a kiss?
16:06Of course you'd get a kiss.
16:08Keep away from the ladies.
16:09Now, how can I keep away from the ladies?
16:1198.5% of my congregation are ladies.
16:14And they all adore you, including me.
16:17You're just jealous.
16:18Of course I'm jealous.
16:19Keep away from the ladies.
16:21I must go.
16:22Ah.
16:23Now, where are those dates for the youth club?
16:31Why the vicarage?
16:33I thought you were singing at the church hall.
16:35Well, I thought I'd ask the vicar
16:36if there were any little favourites he wishes me to include.
16:39It's the sort of courtesy he would expect from me.
16:47Haven't you forgotten something, dear?
16:49Hmm?
16:50The door.
16:53Oh, retirement.
16:56Hmm?
16:57Oh.
17:10That was quick.
17:11You said keep away from the ladies.
17:19Oh, I see.
17:21I meant keep away from all of them, not just that one.
17:24Tell her I've been called away.
17:25Where to?
17:27Vladivostok.
17:33Pull yourself together, Richard.
17:35Whatever's the matter with you?
17:38Do you really want to know?
17:39Do you really want to know?
17:40I mean, really want to know?
17:41Of course I want to know.
17:43Whatever concerns you concerns me.
17:47Very well, then.
17:48I'll tell you.
17:53The thing that's bothering me.
17:54You see how much better it is
17:56when we talk these things out.
17:58We started yet?
17:59That's what wives are for, to listen.
18:05Well, you think of all the terrible things that can happen to you,
18:08but I completely overlook the pot.
18:11Oh, my goodness, look at the time.
18:14I'm not waiting.
18:15You want to rehearse.
18:16I'll talk to the vicar later.
18:17We must go straight to the church hall.
18:26You can't hide there, oldie.
18:29You're right.
18:29I'd be safer in the kitchen.
18:31I'll have another cup.
18:41Judging by the length of the skirt,
18:43it must be Rose underneath that veil.
18:45But what would Rose be doing?
18:46Wobbling as if she's been drinking.
18:49When she can wobble off somewhere else.
18:54I will not have a sister in black
18:57wobbling into our church.
19:00Rose!
19:03Incredible.
19:05You look exactly like my sister Hyacinth.
19:09Rose, have you been drinking?
19:11I haven't been drinking.
19:13I took a pill.
19:15And it seems to have gone straight to me knees.
19:18I wish you could say the same about your skirt.
19:22Why are you here?
19:23I want to see the vicar.
19:26You're in no condition to see the vicar.
19:28I want to be a nun.
19:29Put me down.
19:30I want to be a nun.
19:31Richard, give me a hand.
19:33Funny how you mishear things.
19:34I could have sworn she said she wanted to be a nun.
19:37I do, I do.
19:39Oh, we'll have to take her home.
19:40There's no time.
19:42Richard, do you remember where you are?
19:44We'll have to hide her in the hall until she pulls herself together.
19:47Pulling herself together?
19:53You're not even satisfied when a person wants to be a nun.
19:59How together do you have to get?
20:03No, don't get in the way, Richard.
20:09Mind what you're doing, dear.
20:11Oh, Rose!
20:13I know it's been a lifetime's dedication, but I wish you'd try to break this habit of wanting to lie
20:17down everywhere.
20:20Do try and stay on your feet.
20:23Knees.
20:23If I'm going to be a nun, I should be on me knees.
20:27It's me that'll be on me knees.
20:30Oh, Richard wants to be a nun, too.
20:34She's surprisingly heavy for a short-skirted person.
20:40How many pills did she take?
20:44I'll tell you something.
20:45This being a nun makes you feel really good.
20:49I feel uplifted.
20:52Look, pop her in the store.
20:54Come on, until she gets back the use of her legs.
20:57I can't have a sitting like this.
21:00Oh, dear.
21:02Oh, Harrison.
21:04Elizabeth, dear.
21:05About our little concert.
21:07But I thought I'd begin with something classical.
21:10I think Emmett's already got a programme in mind.
21:13Oh, good.
21:14And then a selection from The Sound of Music.
21:16And finish with Annie Get Your Gun.
21:19I'm not sure that Emmett was quite thinking along those lines.
21:22Oh, he'll love it.
21:23Everybody loves my Annie Oakley.
21:25You better warn him.
21:27Tell him!
21:30Richard, how do I look, dear?
21:32I keep seeing you as a kind of recurring motif running through my early retirement.
21:38That's nice, dear.
21:40And the hat.
21:40How's the hat?
21:41Yes, that too.
21:50She's gone.
21:51She's gone.
21:53She was here.
21:54She was heading this way.
21:55And now she's gone.
21:56And still there are people who refuse to believe in the power of prayer.
22:00What do you mean?
22:02And keep away from the ladies.
22:06With a gun.
22:09With a gun.
22:10Oh, no, no, no, look, support me.
22:12Louder.
22:13Pi' for a take.
22:14We are good.
22:17We are good.
22:18Oh, no, it's too loud now.
22:21Pi' piano.
22:21Pi' anissimo.
22:23Oh, you care, care.
22:25A man.
22:25A man.
22:26A man.
22:29Are you sure you're playing the night note?
22:36I suppose Irving knew what he was doing.
22:40If I went to battle with someone's herd of cattle, let me say...
22:46No!
22:48Oh, you lost your place again.
22:55If I went to battle with someone's herd of cattle, I can't keep it going faster.
23:11Look, you told me he'd been certificated.
23:16Da, carpo, back to the beginning, please.
23:20No!
23:21No!
23:22Enough!
23:23That's it.
23:24I'm only flesh and blood.
23:26I can't take it any longer.
23:28Psst!
23:29What is it he can't take any longer?
23:31The chair.
23:33He's got the wrong size chair.
23:35He's very particular about his chair.
23:37It affects the style of his playing.
23:40Why don't you get another type of chair?
23:42Take a walk outside.
23:44Yes.
23:45Yes, I'll...
23:46I'll get another chair.
23:52Oh, shut up.
23:57I'm so sorry about the interruption, I assume.
23:59No apology necessary.
24:00You don't have to explain to me about the little eruptions of the artistic temperament.
24:05I'm the first to understand about the artistic temperament.
24:08Richard was saying so only this morning to the Chinese ambassador.
24:13Go!
24:14Rose!
24:15She was in the room with the chairs.
24:18Ah!
24:21I'll cut this down at once.
24:23This is no way to begin your vacation.
24:25No.
24:27The bucket woman.
24:29Ah!
24:30Look up.
24:31Look up.
24:31My sister's had a conversion.
24:35It's affected her profoundly.
24:36Why don't you play misty for me?
24:41Let's put her back in the cupboard again.
24:42She can meditate in there for a while.
24:48Has anyone seen my husband?
24:49He's wanted on the phone.
24:52No.
24:53No.
24:56Oh!
24:57Excuse me.
25:03Well.
25:04All right.
25:06I'm going to be alone.
25:11Hello.
25:12Welcome to England.
25:15Hello.
25:15Welcome to England.
25:18Hello.
25:19Welcome to England.
25:22Hello.
25:22Welcome to England.
25:25Hello.
25:26Welcome to England.
25:27It's much more than fish and chips.
25:28We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
25:30Valley dot kids and a RS6.
25:32Big two fiddies.
25:33Small fiddies with a kick.
25:33Vives with more grips.
25:34Little creep in your crib.
25:35I smell bacon.
25:36I smell pigs.
25:37Take the cash down.
25:38Get into the whip.
25:39Leaves are wasting.
25:40I'm feeling like Hamilton.
25:41Weakroll's amazing.
25:41Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
25:42Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
25:44Fuck the West Yorkshire.
25:45Police here.
25:45It's running.