- 16 minutes ago
When Hyacinth gets passionate about art, Daddy decides to join the Foreign Legion, and, as usual, Hyacinth's scruffy family let her down at the moment she's trying to make a good impression.
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00:02Hello, Museum and Art Gallery. Could I speak to the curator, please? Yes, of course, it's
00:10important. My name is Bouquet, B-U-C-K-E-T. Yes, I'll hold. I'm back. Shoes, dear.
00:22Oh, yes, dear. Hello. He's not available. Got to an art exhibition? Well, couldn't he
00:37do that sort of thing in his own time? Look, my husband and I have been invited this evening
00:44to the preview of a private exhibition with cheese and wine. And I need some tips on art
00:50appreciation. Well, yes, of course I appreciate it, as my son Sheridan will testify. I don't
00:59care for the modern rubbish, but I do like a frame that doesn't gather dust. You see,
01:06I... Hello. Hello. Philistines.
01:22Oh, don't stop. I wouldn't have minded going to the art exhibition this evening. I thought
01:27we were going. But Hyacinth's going, then. Emmett, you can't stop going to places just because
01:33Hyacinth might be there. Oh, yes, I can. That strikes me as a very sensible plan.
01:44What did you get for me, dear? Hmm? From the library. Oh, er, the Beginner's Guide to Modern Art.
01:54Beginners? With a son at university studying tapestry design and advanced needlework.
02:02But, er, you and I don't know anything about art. Granted, we don't know all the technicalities,
02:08but really, Richard, nobody could call us beginners. I have a deep natural appreciation of all things
02:15artistic. Why do people look so stunned at my candlelight suppers? And, er, this one's called
02:24The Flame of Creation. Goodness me, what on earth is that, dear? Twenty-three essays on the creative
02:30process. Twenty-three? We've no time for all those. The exhibition's today. It's only Aberty,
02:38you know, dabblers, Sunday painters. It is being opened by the mayor. Ah. Why did you say ah like that?
02:47Well, I think I've just spotted a twenty-fourth approach to the creative process. I don't know what
02:53you're talking about, dear. Listen to this. Gone to join the foreign legion. Au revoir, Dad.
03:07Where did you find that? On his pillow. Oh, poor love. I expect it's because he's not getting
03:12anywhere romantically with Mrs Clayton. Well, where'd you go to join the legion? Is there a branch
03:18round here? I doubt it. We've only just got Colonel Sanders.
03:25Oh, slow. Do you mind if I open my eyes up slowly? There's no good comes from rushing your morning
03:37exercises. Oh, there's some mornings when the light goes straight through you. Also, where'd you go to join
03:49the legion? Cooper Street. Not the British legion. The French foreign legion. They'll never take you. It's just for
03:59solid. Sounds like it might be worth a try. It's not for me, you fool. It's for father. He's gone
04:06to join the
04:07French foreign legion. He'll never get through the medical. Oh, come on, get up. We've got to go and find
04:13father. Oh. Do you think this is a suitable hat for an art exhibition, dear? Yes, it's fine.
04:33What about this? Yes, I like it even better a second time. Richard, it's a different hat. Oh,
04:44is it? Oh, of course it is. It's fine. It's fine. What are you reading, dear? Well, not so much
04:51reading
04:51as browsing through the pictures. You wanted me to become familiar with art. Not that familiar.
05:00But they're not all like that. I should hope not. I was just picking up a few points here and
05:07there.
05:07I appreciate that, Richard, but what I'm going to be wearing is far more important than what they're not.
05:27You're right, Liz. I'm being ridiculous. I want to go to the exhibition, so therefore I shall go to the
05:34exhibition. I'm a grown man. I'm not going to stay away just because Hyacinth is going.
05:38Yeah, you tell him, tiger. I'm damned if I'm going to allow Hyacinth to interfere in my life.
05:44Applause, applause. I mean, she'll be there and I'll be there. So what? We'll be together in the same room,
05:52that's all. That's all it takes. Oh. She's going to drive me bananas. Wrong. Hyacinth won't be
06:04focusing on you. She'll be too busy trying to impress the mayor and Mrs. Councilor Nugent.
06:09Are you sure?
06:13Anyway, what happened to that tiger I was talking to a moment ago? Hello?
06:22Hello, Hyacinth.
06:25What, what, coffee? Now? No, I'm afraid I can't.
06:30I was just on my way to... No, I was... No, I was going to...
06:41All right, in five minutes.
06:43Right. Yeah, thank you, Hyacinth.
06:48It's like talking to Rick.
06:50Words just bounce off.
06:52Don't go.
06:54No, she'll only come round here to get me.
06:56Go.
06:59Look, do I drop things in this house?
07:02What?
07:03Well, cups of coffee and things. Do I drop them in this house?
07:07Not to my knowledge, no.
07:08Then why do I drop everything at Hyacinths?
07:11Liz, will you please go before Hyacinth comes round to collect you?
07:16Yeah, but...
07:16Go.
07:22There you are, dear. Try not to spill this one.
07:27I do try.
07:30I don't go everywhere spilling coffee.
07:33Have you seen a doctor?
07:36Don't need a doctor?
07:37Well, it might be a bit quicker than my mopping up all the time.
07:42My nerves are perfectly sound everywhere else.
07:45Plate?
07:45Oh, yes, thank you.
07:48You shouldn't invite me so often, Hyacinth.
07:51Well, I've tried not to, dear.
07:53Biscuit?
07:54Oh, no, thank you.
07:55No.
08:00What about inviting some of your other friends?
08:03Oh, I do, dear, but for some reason, they're never able to come.
08:09Oh, excuse me.
08:11That may be someone very important.
08:29The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
08:33Oh, it's you, Daisy.
08:35How are you, dear?
08:37It's my sister, Daisy.
08:39She gets by without a swimming pool and a sauna, and she's never liked ponies.
08:45Daisy, how are you, dear?
08:47Good, and I expect Don's low's keeping well as usual.
08:53Daddy!
08:58Sorry, Daisy, but for a moment, I could have sworn you said that Daddy's gone off to join the Foreign
09:03Legion.
09:04He has.
09:07Well, could we stop him, dear? Now, stay there, will you, dear?
09:11I'm so glad you could come. I hope you've enjoyed your part.
09:16We'll see each other at the art exhibition.
09:20Goodbye, dear.
09:24Oh, thank you, dear. It matches my set.
09:34I think it is.
09:43I think it's so beautiful.
09:45Father's run off and you think it's beautiful.
09:48Well, it's so romantic that he should run away at his age.
09:51All for the love of Mrs Clayton.
09:53She seems to have that effect on people.
09:56Didn't Mr Clayton leg it away as fast as he could go?
09:59You've got no poetry in your soul, Aronslow.
10:02Him? Poetry.
10:04He's not built for poetry.
10:09He can't be the breadwinner round here and poetic as well.
10:20Anyway, not to worry, because I've got a gentleman friend, Mr Finchley, who has the ideal vehicle for finding fathers.
10:28Then let Mr Finchley find father.
10:30Well, I stay here and follow the fillies.
10:35Poor daddy.
10:36We must find him before he gets involved in some battle.
10:40He's not going to get involved in a battle.
10:43Do you know which way he's gone?
10:45To France.
10:47Go to the roundabout and head for France.
10:57Which way is France?
10:59Good heavens, Richard.
11:01Do you have to rely on me for everything?
11:06You should have turned left.
11:08Left?
11:09Well, are you sure?
11:10I was rather thinking you must be right.
11:16No, my instinct tells me left.
11:21Right you are.
11:23Left it is.
11:24Left it is.
11:43Good morning, Mr Finchley.
11:45Good morning, Rose.
11:48Check the pubs.
11:49If he's going to fight in the desert, he's bound to be thirsty.
11:52I don't think they're in the desert anymore.
11:54Well, it's just as well.
11:56All that sand.
11:59He never liked Cleeforce.
12:05Alone at last, don't do.
12:08Are you worried about your father?
12:10Not half as worried as you are about your wife.
12:14Listen, I can't stand here chatting.
12:17There's racing on the telly.
12:20There was a time when you used to chase me all over the house.
12:26That was before we got colour, wasn't it?
12:32You said the library.
12:34I turned right at the library.
12:36I don't know what's getting into you, Richard.
12:38It's beyond me.
12:39I try to ensure your life flows in one placid stream.
12:43And this is how you reward me.
12:48What did you say?
12:50I said...
12:52Mind the cyclist.
12:54I can see the cyclist.
12:56Oh, stop!
13:00Now what?
13:01Where's Mrs Lennox?
13:03Of course she lives in one of these large houses.
13:07I must have a word with her.
13:09Her husband's something very big in the building industry.
13:11Crane?
13:15Hold down.
13:16It's the Bucket Woman.
13:17Mrs Penner, so nice to see you.
13:21I was just wondering, will you build the art exhibition later?
13:25Not if she's going.
13:27Art, as you know, is a passion of mine.
13:35Oops!
13:36Do please excuse me.
13:37My husband appears to be choking.
13:40I'm surprised.
13:45Richard, I will not have you turning that colour in front of Mrs Lennox.
13:56Let's check the golden compass.
14:11We've got time for a quick cuddle, Rose.
14:14No, we haven't.
14:15We've got to pay a father.
14:25Oh, Mr Pitchley, would you try to put both hands back on the wheel?
14:29Mr Pitchley!
14:31Oh, look, there's hyacinth.
14:42Drive on. Drive on!
14:44I can't, I need petrol.
14:51Hello, hyacinth. What are you doing out this way?
14:54We thought we'd go for a little drive. Richard loves his little drives.
15:00Oh, we've just been to the garden centre.
15:02Oh, how nice.
15:03Hello.
15:05Hello, Richard. Don't let us keep you.
15:09I was thinking just yesterday, hyacinth. How's your father these days?
15:14Funny you should say that.
15:16He's fine.
15:18Wonderfully active for his age.
15:20He is.
15:21Please stop having to finish me.
15:25To finish me!
15:26To finish me!
15:26Stop it!
15:28Don't you wait!
15:30Come on, Mr Pitchley.
15:32Wasn't that Rose's voice?
15:34Oh!
15:35I wouldn't give yourself a minute.
15:37He must be going.
15:39Get in, Richard!
15:42It was. It was Rose.
15:44The one with the friendly legs.
15:47Never forget a face, you men, do you?
15:51We've got to catch that van, Richard.
15:53I won't have Rose going through the streets not knowing she's being overheard.
15:57I take the point, but which way did they go?
15:59Well, it's no good asking me, dear. I'm not the driver.
16:03You know I never interfere.
16:09Richard, why are you making that appalling noise, dear?
16:11Are you in pain?
16:15Come on, Honsto.
16:16We'll have to go and look for father.
16:19What discourages me about looking for your father is we usually find him.
16:23He's so rotten!
16:25He's sure he wouldn't be happier in the Legion.
16:27It's got to be easier than tackling Mrs Clayton.
16:30I just wish he wasn't wearing that big trilby.
16:33He always looks a bit balmy in that big trilby.
16:37Daisy, your father would look balmy in anything.
16:40It could happen to you someday.
16:44In fact, any day.
16:48Never mind me. Your father has a natural gift for balmy.
16:52It's sad when you think that he used to be able to spell words like lascivious.
17:01Oh, I knew it was a danger signal.
17:06Luke's on his income, couldn't afford to know words like lascivious.
17:09You know, I've been playing a book for years, but it's serious.
17:15No!
17:20Oh, oh!
17:24Oh!
17:26Oh!
17:30Oh!
17:30Oh!
17:36Oh!
17:37Oh!
17:38What is it?
17:39I thought I heard something.
17:41Now just creep forward gently.
17:47I can't hear anything.
17:49Maybe they realised the switch was on.
17:51I hope so.
17:52Could have been very embarrassing.
17:54Rose doesn't lead the kind of life you can play through a loudspeaker.
17:58I like Rose.
18:00That's the trouble.
18:01Too many people like Rose.
18:06Oh, Rose.
18:08Oh, Mr. Finchley.
18:10You've got lovely eyes, Rose.
18:12And a cheeky little nose, Rose.
18:16And your chin, Rose.
18:19And your throat.
18:20Oh, Mr. Finchley.
18:23It's a lovely throat, Rose.
18:25Throat like a swan, Rose.
18:28Elegant, gracefully, goes all the way down to your throat.
18:34I can't spend all day looking for Daddy.
18:37I must get ready for the exhibition.
18:40Poor Daddy.
18:43Gone.
18:46Still, I tried.
18:48I wouldn't say gone.
18:49He usually comes home.
18:51I need a cup of tea.
18:52Wearing a mysterious smile.
18:55I admire him.
18:56He makes up his mind and off he goes.
18:59It's a terrible thing to lose one's daddy just before a cheese and wine.
19:09Fancy going off like that.
19:12I wish I had his nerve.
19:18I hope the food agrees with him.
19:21What food?
19:22In France.
19:24How's he going to get to France?
19:25Is he taking any money?
19:26The Legion will meet his expenses.
19:29They don't pay to join the Legion.
19:31He's too old for the Legion.
19:34He'll lie about his age.
19:35They do.
19:38The Legion asks no questions.
19:41They're going to ask a few when your father turns up.
19:44Now, don't sneer, Richard.
19:46I think it's very brave of Daddy to show such a fighting spirit.
19:50I shall think of him guarding some lonely outpost.
19:55What shall I wear, dear?
19:57To guard a lonely outpost.
20:01For going to the exhibition.
20:03Now, pay attention, Richard.
20:05I must look my best.
20:07Dear Daddy would wish it.
20:09Cake?
20:10Please.
20:11Who's this friend of his, Mrs Clayton?
20:14Oh, she's rather a common person.
20:17I'm surprised at Daddy getting involved emotionally.
20:21She must have slipped something into his drink.
20:25Their women do.
20:27Whose women?
20:28The sort of women who get mixed up with the boys from the Foreign Legion.
20:33It happened to Gary Cooper.
20:35I saw it on the pictures.
20:37Some girl who worked in a bar.
20:39They're usually called Fifi.
20:43That Mrs Clayton's not called Fifi.
20:45She works in a bar.
20:47I thought Daisy said she worked in the canteen of the Old People's Centre.
20:50It's the same thing.
20:53She could easily have adulterated Daddy's Horlicks.
20:59Well, if she's the cause of all this, why doesn't someone go and find out if your father's gone to
21:06Mrs Clayton?
21:07Now, don't interrupt me, dear, while I'm thinking.
21:11Oh!
21:13Why didn't I think of it earlier?
21:15If she's the cause of all this, why doesn't someone go and find out if Daddy's gone to Mrs Clayton's?
21:39Daddy!
21:41Are we in town?
21:43Are you still British?
21:44Is she British?
21:46Oh, OK.
21:56In you get there.
22:00Oh.
22:02Oh, dear.
22:06I'm sorry, Daddy.
22:08I don't really need this.
22:10Keep Britain tidy, Richard.
22:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:39LAUGHTER
22:43LAUGHTER
22:45LAUGHTER
22:46LAUGHTER
23:09I must say, the Legion would have been tidier.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:12I hate Daddy living here.
23:14I'd take him home if he didn't slop his cocoa.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18Come along, dear.
23:21No, I'm not going to hit you with the pole.
23:24I didn't make you think I'd hit you with the pole.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29LAUGHTER
23:29Why are you standing there, Richard?
23:32What a silly place to stand.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:35Well, take it.
23:37Come along, dear.
23:42That's it.
23:45Now, keep up, Richard.
23:48Come along.
23:56LAUGHTER
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58LAUGHTER
23:58APPLAUSE
24:00LAUGHTER
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04LAUGHTER
24:23No-one in.
24:25You'll have to run me to the art exhibition, Richard,
24:28and then look after Daddy till Daisy gets home.
24:30I thought I was going to the exhibition.
24:32Yes, well, things change, dear. Come on.
24:35Oh, we won't need that.
24:38Oh, we won't need that.
24:54Well...
24:55LAUGHTER
24:55LAUGHTER
24:59LAUGHTER
25:00Vicar!
25:01How nice to see you.
25:04Ah, hello, Mrs Bucket.
25:05Bouquet.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:07I didn't know you were an art lover.
25:09Oh, yes, Vicar.
25:11We go miles, Richard and I, for a little culture.
25:14Always seems like miles.
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23I do love a good sunset.
25:25We'll see you inside then, Vicar.
25:27Yes, I expect you will.
25:28It's a small world, isn't it?
25:30Getting smaller and smaller.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:33Now, Richard, get Daddy home
25:35and keep ringing Onslow until they fetch him.
25:38And don't let him mark my wallpaper.
25:41LAUGHTER
25:43LAUGHTER
25:43Bye-bye, Daddy.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:50Don!
25:51He must have gone inside.
25:52Inside?
25:54Oh, I think I'd rather he join the Legion.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:59Richard, it may be necessary socially
26:01to introduce him as your father.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:04My God!
26:05Just for this evening, of course.
26:06I couldn't bear to lose Daddy for any longer than that.
26:09But, Hyacinth...
26:10No.
26:11Promise me that you will be kind to Daddy
26:13while he's yours, won't you?
26:15LAUGHTER
26:15And do hope it's all flowers and sunsets.
26:18I rely on you, Richard, to keep Daddy away from any nudes.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:23Hello, welcome to England.
26:26H-hello, welcome to England.
26:30H-hello, welcome to England.
26:33H-hello, welcome to England.
26:35H-hello, welcome to England.
26:37H-hello, welcome to England.
26:38H-hello, welcome to England.
26:39It's much more than fish and chips.
26:40We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
26:42Rally-dop kids with a RS6,
26:44Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick, guys with more grips, little creep in your crib
26:47I smell bacon, I smell pigs, till the cash down, get into the whip
26:51Leeds are wasting, I'm feeling like Hamilton, we go's amazing, Cropsy, I'm grabbing them
26:54Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them, fuck no, West Yorkshire, police, yeah, they're scrambling the