- 2 days ago
When Hyacinth and the long-suffering Richard spend their first day in their new weekend residence, it proves to be less than adequate. Hyacinth invites Elizabeth and Emmet round for country tea, but both this and her plans to fit in with the local way of life go terribly wrong.
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00:36Richard, is there any sign of our new furniture yet, dear?
00:40Not yet.
00:41Oh.
00:43Oh, Richard.
00:46I feel it's so appropriate our owning a place like this.
00:52All we own is a small apartment.
00:54And when I say small, I mean a micro.
00:58We are part owners of a mansion.
01:02That's all anyone need know.
01:05It's so low a middle class to go into details.
01:08The detail that concerns me is now that we've bought the place, how are we going to afford it?
01:14It's such a good address, dear.
01:17You know these things aren't primary with me, but there are people who go quite dizzy rubbing shoulders with the
01:23county elite.
01:25What time did they say they'd be here?
01:28About three.
01:30It's only twenty past two.
01:33Why did you come down so early?
01:35Because you told me to.
01:39Don't make it sound as though I order you about, dear.
01:44Let's go up to our apartment.
01:47You know, I'm still not sure where we ought to put the beds.
01:51In the bedroom?
01:54Don't be silly, dear.
01:55You know what I mean.
01:56Come along.
02:04What an entrance.
02:07So welcoming for all our guests.
02:10Have we got room for guests?
02:13Of course we have room, dear.
02:14I can just picture their faces when they see this staircase.
02:20Well, this staircase, yes.
02:35Why didn't they install a lift?
02:38Richard, you couldn't destroy the integrity of a house like this with a lift.
02:44Oh, I could.
02:46I could destroy the integrity of a house like this with a lift.
02:49The exercise will do you good.
02:51Now, come on.
03:00You live in a lift.
03:03Do you realise that?
03:07We're like bats.
03:10Do stop fussing, Richard.
03:12Look, I want you to love this place.
03:16It's a part of English history.
03:39How come you never take me out to restaurants?
03:43I do take you out to restaurants.
03:45My name is Nicole.
03:46This is my husband's farm.
03:48Took you to that Italian.
03:51What Italian?
03:53You've got spaghetti stuck in your earring.
03:58That was 30 years ago.
04:02We were on honeymoon.
04:05No chance.
04:08You've never taken me since.
04:11Well, if you're going to get spaghetti stuck in your earring...
04:16I've come to a decision.
04:19I've decided to give up men.
04:25It's their time this week.
04:28And it's only Wednesday.
04:36There.
04:37Oh, doesn't it look cosy?
04:40And small.
04:42Are you sure this is the best position for these beds?
04:45Well, of course it is, dear.
04:47But I'm not so certain.
04:48I know.
04:49We'll have a little rehearsal.
04:54Richard, come back in, dear.
04:58Didn't you get?
04:59Oh, hi.
05:00Come on, slip your shoes off.
05:12Oh, do be a little quicker, Richard.
05:15At our time of life,
05:16we should try to make the most of the days we have left.
05:23That's it.
05:24Good.
05:29Now, imagine it's the middle of the night.
05:33All right?
05:37Why don't you answer me, Richard?
05:40I'm imagining I'm asleep and can't hear you.
05:46Oh, I think I shall invite Sir Edward to Sherry.
05:52You think that's wise when we're both in bed?
05:55Oh, don't be silly, dear.
05:58We ought to start mingling with the other residents
06:01as soon as possible.
06:02We haven't got room to mingle.
06:05And as from tomorrow,
06:06I want us to start taking part
06:09in the various leisure activities.
06:12Oh.
06:13We're in the country now, Richard.
06:14It's expected of us.
06:16Oh, you mean making corn dollies.
06:19No, no, no, dear.
06:21Fishing, shooting, hunting.
06:23Hunting?
06:24Oh!
06:29As it's our wedding anniversary
06:31in three weeks' time, Onslow,
06:34I thought we might have some cocoa,
06:38a little chat before going to sleep.
06:55Rose!
06:56What is it?
06:57Do you fancy some cocoa?
07:11Richard, what's the matter?
07:13I can't sleep.
07:14Huh?
07:15I feel boxed in.
07:20This place is too small.
07:22Richard.
07:23Richard.
07:24I would ask you please to remember
07:26that our apartment in this grade two listed mansion
07:30is not small.
07:32It's old-world bijou.
07:36Well, I'm going to make some old-world bijou tea.
07:40Oh, why not, dear?
07:42Oh, why not, dear?
07:43An impromptu midnight snack.
07:46That's the beauty of having a place in the country.
07:50One can break with one's routine.
08:04Oh, where do you put the tea?
08:06Oh, it's in the cupboard there, dear.
08:09I'll get the milk.
08:15Excuse me.
08:18Could you make yourself a little smaller, Richard?
08:21Look, I do believe that you're expanding deliberately.
08:26Well, there's not even room in here
08:28for a decent-sized microbe.
08:31Richard, I will not have you speak disparagingly
08:34of my compact kitchenette.
08:39These are all high-quality laminated units.
08:47The tea is not in this cupboard.
08:50The tea?
08:51Oh, no, dear, the tea's in this cupboard.
08:53You really must remember where the tea is.
08:56Well, you told me it was in this cupboard.
08:59Richard, I hope you're not going to be
09:02consistently argumentative in the country.
09:04I want this place to be a haven of relaxation.
09:12Are you finding this relaxing?
09:16Are you going left or right?
09:19At the moment, I don't think you're able to move at all.
09:22I don't like this level of intimacy, dear.
09:27I don't think it's natural at our age.
09:31Would you please remove yourself from my person?
09:36But when I give the word...
09:40What word?
09:41When I give the word,
09:42you go to your left, I go to my left,
09:45and we should come unstuck, all right?
09:47One, two, three, go!
09:53Richard!
10:11Relax, mate.
10:15Now, milk this morning.
10:19She's not in.
10:20Gone away, haven't they?
10:23You've made my day.
10:32Housebird!
10:34Housebird!
10:36Good morning!
10:38Yes, isn't it?
10:40Birds are singing.
10:43Thank God only the birds are singing.
10:46Wait for long, is she?
10:48No.
10:49But every minute counts.
10:52La-da-da-dick-dick-dick-dick-dick!
10:56Oh, Emmett, she shouldn't say things like that.
10:58Even if they're true?
11:00Well, I must admit, it is a relief.
11:02No threat of coffee.
11:04I'm as steady as a rock.
11:06I won't be long, Liz.
11:08The sun has got his hat on.
11:11Oh!
11:23Elizabeth, hi Cynthia dear, speaking to you from the mansion, good morning to you, it's
11:32a lovely day here in rural England, especially when viewed from this very important historical
11:39building. You must come for tea and cucumber sandwiches and bring Emmet with you, tell
11:46him I won't take no for an answer. Oh yes, I want you both to share in my happiness and
11:53my new diminutive reproduction furniture with the genuine antique appearance. Emmet will
12:00love it, yes, we'll walk the grounds and view the lake. Tell him to wear something tweedy.
12:08Hmm, you know the sort of thing, country but smart. Richard looks quite the squire already.
12:17You're the old crooked squire. Yes, yes Hyacinth, I mean it would be wonderful to come down
12:26and see you but I'm not sure if Emmet is free. Yes Hyacinth, I know he's very fond of you
12:32but yes I'm sure he will. Yes Hyacinth, yes I have a tweed costume and my country brogues.
12:44Right, yes. See you at 3.30. Thank you Hyacinth. How am I going to tell Emmet?
13:01I've invited Elizabeth and Emmet to cucumber sandwiches and my country cream tea. What, er,
13:09today? Well later this afternoon dear, we have the whole morning to ourselves. Richard,
13:17why do you keep standing like that? I have to stand like this, if I don't stand like this,
13:23I don't fit the damn place. You'll feel much better when you get a little country air inside you.
13:40I brought you the magazine you like. Thank you. I just had Hyacinth on the phone.
13:46Perfect. Hyacinth on the phone somewhere out there in the country. Oh, how wonderful.
13:58It's Hyacinth next door, I can't stand. I love the thought of Hyacinth being somewhere remote in the country.
14:06I bet it has to be this country but still. We're invited for tea and cucumber sandwiches.
14:15You didn't say yes. She said wear something tweedy. Country but smart.
14:32Richard, don't you love being in the country? What I love is being dressed in my normal clothes.
14:40Now look dear, if we're going to mingle with the county set, we have to look the part.
14:45So pull yourself together dear, let's go.
14:55Keep up Richard, come along.
14:58What is it, my legs are stuck in two drain clamps.
15:03You look very smart dear. I shall take a photograph of Sheridan.
15:08Not on a horse. I can't wear these and a horse.
15:12The beauty of my little scheme, Richard, is that we don't actually have to ride.
15:20We simply look as if we're going to ride. That's all that's necessary.
15:26That's very devious. But I can't tell you how relieved I am.
15:38I need some fresh air. Wide open, no holds barred, country air.
15:44Yes. Should just be the power of good.
15:46If we have to face higher sense later, I'm going to need to blow the cobwebs away.
15:56Just smell that fresh air. Smells more like a draft to me.
16:01What?
16:04Oh, isn't that Elizabeth's car? Yes, it is the very early.
16:09Stop Richard, stop.
16:11Oh look, there's Hyacinth and Richard.
16:14Keep driving, keep driving.
16:16They've seen us.
16:20She's in riding gear.
16:23Did you know she can ride?
16:24I bet she can't.
16:27Pull into their lay-by.
16:28I want a closer look at this.
16:34Going riding, Howson?
16:41Yes!
16:42Lovely morning for it, isn't it?
16:44Tell you what!
16:48Why don't we all go together?
17:07Why don't we all go together?
17:09Emmet, you are wicked.
17:12Yes, I know. Isn't it delicious?
17:16Why not just tell them that we can't ride?
17:20I don't know that I can't ride.
17:22I've never tried.
17:25There's every possibility that I might ride beautifully.
17:29The clothes fit.
17:38Off you go, Emmet. We'll catch you up later.
17:41No, no, no.
17:42I'll wait.
17:43We'll go together, Howson.
17:45That's what friends are for.
17:48Right then.
17:49I'll go round the corner and mount.
17:51Why round the corner?
17:52I always think modesty requires a lady to mount alone.
17:58Except in the presence of her husband.
17:59I'll go round the corner.
18:02I'll go round the corner.
18:04I'll go round the corner.
18:05I'll go round the corner.
18:07I'll go round the corner.
18:07Emmet, stop it.
18:09Now, listen horse.
18:11I'm not a person to be trifled with.
18:14You try.
18:15Come and help me up there.
18:17You try.
18:17Dina...
18:20I need your support.
18:22Ali, Ali, Ali.
18:24Ali, Ali...
18:25Ali!
18:26Ali!
18:29Ali!
18:30Ali!
18:30Ali!
18:33Ali!
18:34Ali!
18:34Ali!
18:38Ali!
18:54How much longer are they going to be?
19:01Well, so far so good.
19:06How does one start it?
19:09I think you click your tongue or something.
19:11Hmm?
19:17Oh, this is ridiculous.
19:29Perhaps you left the brake on, Harsin.
19:38In films, when they want to get a horse going, they slap it on the rump.
19:43Well, try that, dear, but gently.
19:45Remember, I'm not Roy Rogers.
19:51Hurry up, Harsin.
19:52You've only got the horses for an hour.
19:54Tally-ho!
19:55We're just coming!
19:57Try it a bit harder, dear.
20:22Perhaps you'd better go and have a lie down.
20:24Yes, I can't, dear.
20:27I've asked a few people to drop in.
20:30It's you that's been doing the dropping in.
20:33See our guests into the lounge, will you, Richard?
20:37Whilst I change Elizabeth.
20:40Oh, he's up the stairs and on the left.
20:42They mustn't catch me here looking like this.
20:45Make them comfy, dear.
20:48Mind your heads, you two.
20:55Oh, it's really quite...
20:57Small.
20:58Enchanting!
21:00Now, make yourselves comfortable, but stay alert.
21:04Yes.
21:05Aha!
21:06No, not this end.
21:07I bet Harsin sits that end.
21:10Oh!
21:11Ouch!
21:13See what I mean about staying alert?
21:15I...
21:15Are you all right?
21:16Yes, I'm fine.
21:17Don't worry, Richard.
21:21Excuse me.
21:22I'd better see what that noise is, but...
21:24Will you help yourselves to a drink?
21:25Oh!
21:28What's the matter?
21:29I can't open the bedroom door.
21:31Well, is it locked?
21:32Well, it can't be locked, dear.
21:33There isn't a key.
21:35Well...
21:36Ah!
21:37Well, it's stuck.
21:38Well, I know it's stuck.
21:40Do something, Richard.
21:41I've got to get in the bedroom and get changed.
21:44Oh!
21:45Guests all ready.
21:47They mustn't find me like this.
21:49Where are you going, dear?
21:50Well, the people at the door.
21:52What?
21:54No, don't open the door.
21:56I'm not dressed for receiving.
21:58Well, I...
21:59Oh, I know.
22:00The cloakroom.
22:02You're gonna hide in the cloakroom.
22:04Well, it's not a question of hiding, dear.
22:06It's a question of always creating the right impression.
22:11Give me a hand, will you?
22:12Give me a hand.
22:16You know, I have no idea that spending time in the country would be so invigorating.
22:20Well, I'm nearly there, dear.
22:23Let them in.
22:26No, don't let them in.
22:28Go and close the door.
22:34Help me.
22:35Yes, yes.
22:39That's it.
22:42Show them into the lounge.
22:43No, no, no, no.
22:44Not the lounge.
22:45Hmm?
22:46No, I shouldn't.
22:47Hyacinth, no.
22:48Not to show people into the lounge.
22:49Not for a moment.
22:50Why have I not?
22:51I'm afraid I've spilt my lemonade.
22:54Oh, Elizabeth.
22:56On my new cottage suite.
22:58No.
22:58No.
22:59On Emmett.
23:00Oh, Emmett.
23:01Oh, well, accidents will happen.
23:04No, no, but there's more.
23:07More?
23:08Well, you see, I'm afraid it was icy cold and it startled him and he jumped up.
23:12Well, that's quite natural.
23:14What's the matter with that?
23:15Willie, I think you'd better come and have a look.
23:29Don't neglect our guests, Richard.
23:31No, I wouldn't dream of it.
23:43Come down at once.
23:44No, no, no, no.
23:45He can't.
23:46There's a sharp piece sticking in his neck.
23:50Yeah.
23:51Oh.
23:52Oh.
23:53Oh.
23:55Oh.
23:56Oh.
23:56Oh.
23:56There's a bit of a problem in the lounge.
23:59So, for the moment, well, would you mind making yourselves home and in the kitchen?
24:04Oh.
24:05Oh, my God.
24:19Oh, my God.
24:28Oh, my God.
24:29Oh, my God.
24:29Oh, my God.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:30Oh, my God.
24:31Oh, my God.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:33I am calm, Harrison.
24:36Under the circumstances, I think I'm being exceptionally calm.
24:41Bridget's looking for a sharp knife.
24:45To cut you free.
24:47For heaven's sake, be careful.
24:50If you'll excuse me a moment, I'll go and attend to your lower half.
25:12Hello. Come in.
25:13How do you do? Your wife invited me up to see you our new home.
25:18Yes, yes. Why don't we go and take a look at the kitchen?
25:32I couldn't find a knife. Will this do?
25:34Oh!
25:35How many people have you invited?
25:37Just a handful, Dad.
25:38We've already got our hands full.
25:44Oslo, why do you always go slowly when we're visiting our harsens?
25:49Somehow, the thought of your hyacinth exerts a breaking force.
25:54I know what he means.
25:55Whenever I'm on the brink of letting myself go,
25:58I get this vision of our hyacinth.
26:00Have you not read of that Mr Murchison yet?
26:03Him?
26:04Don't speak to me about him.
26:06He was completely without scruple.
26:08What can you make of a man who gives away his own wife's jewellery?
26:12What happened to it?
26:14As soon as we finished, he asked me for it back.
26:17That's the best one that Oslo's ever done.
26:19Given my jewellery away.
26:22He's never bought me any in the first place.
26:28Keeps life simple.
26:30Hands up.
26:31Anybody who really wants to grow up to be somebody obsessed with possessions.
26:45Oh, you can always tell when a person's musical.
26:54I'll be back in a jiffy.
27:00Oh, hello.
27:01Hello, Richard.
27:02Hello, Richard.
27:04Hello, Richard.
27:05Welcome to utter chaos.
27:11Listen, if you're busy, we'll...
27:15We're in the kitchen.
27:16It's up the stairs and to the right.
27:18We left farther in the car.
27:20He couldn't make the stairs.
27:22I don't think he'd have made the first flat.
27:26Oh, there you are, Emmett.
27:28Now, please don't go up there again.
27:32If you'll excuse me, I'll go and see to my guests.
27:41How does this dark home?
27:45Elizabeth!
27:46Will you telephone the emergency services?
27:50Yes!
28:47Hello, welcome to England.
28:51Hello, welcome to England.
28:54Hello, welcome to England.
29:03It's much more than fish and chips.
29:04We've got chicks with the tits and the big filled lips.
29:06Ballyed up kids and the RS6.
29:08Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick.
29:10Eyes with more grips, little creep in your crib.
29:11I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
29:13Take the cash down, get into the whip.
29:15Leeds roll racing, I'm feeling like Hummer.
29:16Weegros amazing, Cropsy, I'm grabbing them.
29:18Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
29:20Follow West Yorkshire, police here, it's running.