- 10 hours ago
Hyacinth makes some very expensive holiday plans before dashing off to fulfil her voluntary church-cleaning duties with the Ladies' Guild.
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00:34Oh, yes, yes, yes.
00:41I do so agree, oh, yes.
00:44Oh, every time.
00:48You're quite right.
00:51Your husband wants to do what?
00:53Ring the police.
00:56Oh, you're going away on holiday.
01:00For how long?
01:01A month.
01:03Lovely.
01:05The Caribbean.
01:07Oh, my word, how nice.
01:11Well, mind you don't overindulge on the mangoes.
01:14Of course, it's all the tourists, you know.
01:18Anyway, happy holes.
01:20Bye-bye.
01:21Bye-bye.
01:23Caribbean.
01:28Get your coat on, Richard, brush your hair, polish your shoes.
01:32We're going into town.
01:35Town?
01:35T-O-W-N, dear town.
01:38It's that large thing with all the shops.
01:42I know what it is.
01:44I just wondered why all of a sudden we were going there.
01:47I need a travel agent.
01:50Delia Wheelwright.
01:52Who?
01:53Delia Wheelwright.
01:55The mock Tudor two-story semi-detached at the corner of Oakdale Avenue.
01:59You know the one.
02:01They've just added a games room above their garage.
02:06There's one thing I can't stand.
02:08It's snobbery and bonoficial.
02:12People who try to pretend they're superior
02:15makes it so much harder for those of us who really are.
02:21What's all this about?
02:23It's about Delia Wheelwright's holiday.
02:26She says she's going to the Caribbean.
02:28Really?
02:29It wouldn't surprise me if they were only going for a weekend bargain break at Bogdler.
02:41Right.
02:42Ooh.
02:47How strong and masterful we are this morning.
02:50I've been thinking.
02:52It's about time I did something for charity.
02:58You certainly know how to flatter a person.
03:01I'm serious.
03:02It's about Richard.
03:04Alone.
03:04Day in.
03:05Day out.
03:06With your hyacinth.
03:07I dreamt about him last night.
03:09I dreamt he was in the clutches of this terrifying monster.
03:13And I woke up and I realised it was all true.
03:20But I thought we agreed on no holiday this year.
03:24I don't think much of any of these offers in the window.
03:27Let's invest my retirement money in a little cottage we said.
03:3114 nights for 209 pounds.
03:35When I say we said, what I really mean, of course, is you said.
03:37I hope these people don't cater exclusively for the Spaghetti and Chips Brigade.
03:48You're looking for something expensive.
03:50I'm looking for something very expensive.
03:56We can't go in while nobody's browsing.
03:59There's absolutely no point in asking for something very expensive if nobody's listening.
04:05Can you come back later, when the place is full?
04:09What?
04:13I wish you wouldn't start polishing all the cutlery.
04:17Very last year, the Caribbean, anyway.
04:21Two coffees.
04:25Are you having a meal?
04:26I don't think so, thank you.
04:29Neither port for your coffee, do you?
04:33It's the last time I come here.
04:36Probably the last time they let us in.
04:39Now, what are you looking for?
04:41You frequently find traces of lipstick in places like this.
04:47Where are we thinking of going that's so expensive?
04:50We're not going anywhere.
04:52Then why are we going to the travel agency?
04:55Because we need brushes.
04:57There's absolutely no harm in asking for a few brushes.
05:01Very exotic brushes, of course.
05:06I'll teach Delia we'll write a thing or two.
05:13All right, Sir Bernard.
05:16How are you going to rescue our Richard?
05:19I'm still running things through my biological computer.
05:24Let's hope you don't have another power failure.
05:33Is there any tea left?
05:35There's one in the pot.
05:37I'm not surprised going round dressed like that.
05:42You have done up a bit flashed for this time of the morning.
05:45Oh, this isn't for morning.
05:47No, this is what I was wearing last night.
05:50She'd been out since last night.
05:52No, but it'd have come straight home if I'd realised.
05:57Realised what?
05:58But that he meant it.
06:00Would I like to pop in and see his model aeroplanes, he said.
06:04Go on, ask me anything about model aeroplanes.
06:13Well, that made a few hands look up and pay attention.
06:16I should think it did.
06:17They could hear you in the Caribbean.
06:19Richard, I see no merit in inquiring for brochures on the QE2 or the Orient Express in a timid, mousy
06:26little voice.
06:27Oh, well, you certainly got that right.
06:28It wasn't a timid, mousy little voice.
06:31All right, people looked up.
06:33And was there anyone there who actually knows you?
06:35That's immaterial, Richard.
06:37Word will begin to spread.
06:39Remember how famous I am for my candlelight suppers, not to mention my candlelight work.
06:45It may well be that word is already beginning to circulate.
06:52But what if it doesn't?
06:55It will, once we've given it a little nudge.
07:03How long are we going to be driving round and round?
07:07Until I see someone who knows Delia Wheelwright.
07:11Try Elm Street.
07:12You've just done Elm Street.
07:14Now, do stop making difficulties, Richard.
07:19You see?
07:21There's Mrs. Willis.
07:23At least I think it's Mrs. Willis.
07:26Drive past and we'll see.
07:28Yes, it is, Mrs. Willis.
07:31Now what?
07:33Well, drive on and turn round.
07:35What do you want to speak to Mrs. Willis?
07:37Now, look, it's got to look like a chance encounter.
07:40Will you hurry?
07:42Drive to the end of the road and then turn round before she goes indoors.
07:56Imagine if I hadn't taken early retirement, I might have missed all this fun.
08:02Faster than this.
08:03I want to hear your brakes squeal.
08:06Want me to stop?
08:07No, not yet.
08:08I'll tell you when to stop.
08:12Stop!
08:18Oh, dear.
08:19I'm afraid Richard was driving so fast my holiday brochures blew out of the window.
08:25Have you seen my holiday brochures?
08:27You can't miss them.
08:27There's one about the Orient Express and the other's cruising on the QE, too.
08:33Oh!
08:41Not a scratch or a crease.
08:43It certainly pays to go for the best.
08:51There, that should get word back to Delia Wheelwright.
08:59You are the one.
09:02Oh, my.
09:03Shh!
09:05I thought I heard a car.
09:10No, it's all right.
09:13What's the matter with you, Liz?
09:16You're a bundle of nerves.
09:17Well, I thought it was hyacinth.
09:22Now we're both a bundle of nerves.
09:24Oh, this is silly.
09:26I mean, she's only human.
09:31Well, only just.
09:33You shouldn't let her terrorise us like this.
09:36She'll ask me in for coffee.
09:37I know she's going to ask me in for coffee.
09:40Then refuse to go, Liz.
09:42Tell her you're busy.
09:43I can't do that.
09:44She'll never listen.
09:46Just don't go.
09:47No, I can't do that.
09:49Because we're church cleaning together afterwards with the ladies' guild.
09:53Shh!
09:53Listen.
09:55I can hear a car.
09:59Yes, it's hyacinth.
10:08Where to leave them lying casually.
10:12Oh!
10:20How do they look?
10:29They look like brochures lying on a table.
10:36Yes, but dear, would you notice them the moment you came into the room?
10:41Oh, it's no good asking me.
10:42I mean, you know me.
10:43I didn't even notice when your father was on fire.
10:49Oh, Daddy, I do wish he'd give up smoking.
10:52But you see, I want Elizabeth to spot the brochures immediately when I fetch her in for coffee.
10:59I don't want to have to introduce the subject myself.
11:02It's very vulgar to go boasting about one's holiday plans.
11:07Leave the room, Richard.
11:09What have I done now?
11:12Nothing, dear.
11:12I just want you to walk back into the room and see if you notice them straight away.
11:19Go on.
11:20Go on.
11:37Richard!
11:38Yes?
11:40Why don't you come in, dear?
11:43Where have you been?
11:46Well, I was waiting for a signal.
11:50But did you notice the brochures?
11:54I forgot all about them.
11:57Oh, Richard!
11:58I'll go out again.
11:59I'll go out again.
12:01The point about love thy neighbour is the question it immediately gives rise to.
12:07Namely, who is thy neighbour?
12:10Thy neighbour is everyone.
12:11We can exclude no one.
12:13The exclusion of a single person brings the whole concept tumbling down.
12:20Hello, dear.
12:22Guess who's on the list of volunteers for church cleaning today?
12:27The bucket woman?
12:29Oh, no.
12:31Well, just keep her out of my way.
12:33You can't stay in hiding.
12:35Well, I don't know why not.
12:36As far as the bucket woman's concerned, I'd climb the tower if I had to.
12:40Well, what if she asks about you?
12:42Well, tell her I'm rehearsing my sermon.
12:44Just don't tell her where.
12:46I don't see why I should have to face her.
12:48Why me?
12:49Well, don't look at me as if I get all the fun jobs.
12:51I have to bury people.
12:53I'll bury the next one, and you can deal with Hyacinth bucket.
13:10Love thy neighbour.
13:15No.
13:16I think I'll do the water into wine.
13:23The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
13:28Oh, Sheridan.
13:31How thoughtful of you to ring, dear.
13:34How much does he want?
13:37Richard, go away.
13:38Read a brochure or something.
13:41Sheridan, I'm sorry, dear.
13:43That was just your father interrupting.
13:46No, no, no, you're not interrupting, mummy, dear.
13:49Not at all, no.
13:51We were just browsing through holiday brochures.
13:55Rather nice ones.
13:57Hmm.
13:58The Orient Express, luxury cruising on the QE2, that sort of thing, yes.
14:05You need how much, dear?
14:07No!
14:08Now, Richard, don't get excited.
14:11If we're talking Orient Express and QE2,
14:14we can hardly begrudge the boy the odd 50 pounds.
14:1750 pounds!
14:18Now, just a minute, dear.
14:20Daddy seems to have a problem.
14:21Look, look.
14:28I think I'll go somewhere primitive and be a missionary.
14:32Cooper Street.
14:34What kind of missionary?
14:36Well, I think I'd like to go wherever they most need support, sanitation and birth control.
14:44I told you, Cooper Street.
14:48Well, what would I need for qualifications?
14:53I think you need a longer skirt.
14:56Well, I'll get a longer skirt.
14:59I get a skirt that goes right down to the floor.
15:02I bet that one you're wearing's been right down to the floor a few times.
15:08How can you put up with him?
15:12I suppose it's love.
15:18Forget it.
15:18I've got a headache.
15:21Well, of course we've come for a coffee, dear.
15:25We don't have to be at the church for another hour.
15:29Well, I think I'm really going to start cutting down on my coffee.
15:33Well, not yet, dear.
15:35Come along.
15:37Now, you sit down there and amuse yourself whilst I make you coffee.
15:46No, I really am.
15:48I'm going to cut down on my coffee.
15:50Are you sure you're quite comfy there, dear, by the holiday brochures?
15:55Yes, yes, thanks.
15:56I'm fine.
15:57Good.
16:02Move them if they're in the way, won't you?
16:07Cup or beaker, dear?
16:09Oh, beaker.
16:10Well, something safe, please, Hyacinth.
16:37Well, they're going to be if you're going to do that.
16:39Have no fear, International Rescue is here.
16:43Rescuing what?
16:44Twitchy husbands.
16:46I wouldn't say twitchy.
16:47Do you think I'm twitchy?
16:48You just left 40 foot in the air.
16:51I did, didn't I?
16:52You've had a lifetime of being responsible.
16:56You've done that bit.
16:57Now it's time to let a bit of foolishness into your life.
17:00Sounds good.
17:01Let's go.
17:02Where to?
17:04Where to?
17:05Wrong answer.
17:07Are you really ready for the joys of irresponsibility?
17:11I think I'm ready.
17:13Mind you, I've got to be back to take Hyacinth to the church.
17:16She's on cleaning duty today.
17:18The joys of the responsibility, Dickie.
17:23I don't think I'll ever get the hang of it.
17:29I know.
17:31People think it's easy.
17:33But let's give it a try, eh?
17:36What it's a question of, mainly, is the right attitude.
17:42And a flair for using one of your plastic cards in the local cash dispenser.
17:50You see, we do have time for coffee.
17:57And we have time for a biscuit.
18:05Well, shall you be going on holiday this summer, Elizabeth?
18:11Probably not.
18:13Well, we're still debating.
18:15Well, places get so crowded.
18:17And you spill things.
18:19You know what men are like?
18:21Richard still can't decide.
18:24Oh!
18:25I thought somebody else made up his mind for him.
18:33Biscuit?
18:33Oh!
18:36Silly!
18:38I can't just think it's all right.
18:39Oh, dear.
18:40It's all right.
18:41Oh, what a silly...
18:49Well, I expect we'll settle for something tasteful.
18:54And very expensive.
18:58Oh!
19:00Silly!
19:01I was almost sitting on my holiday brochure.
19:12I think it's cold a little now.
19:14I think I'll be able to drink it safely.
19:22I'm terribly sorry.
19:24I'm terribly sorry.
19:24I said...
19:25It's all right, dear, as long as you haven't damaged my brochure.
19:32Oh!
19:33I'd better answer that.
19:35It's probably somebody very important.
19:50The brochure residence.
19:54The bouquet residence.
19:56Oh, it's the lady of the house speaking.
19:59Oh, it's you, Rose.
20:01It's my sister, Rose.
20:03She's not the one with the swimming pool and the sauna.
20:06And there's no room for a pony, either.
20:10Rose, I hope you're wearing something sensible for this telephone call.
20:14Yes, it always makes me very nervous to think I might be talking to a miniskirt.
20:19Yes, I know you still have good legs, dear.
20:22I just wish you didn't wave them about so much.
20:26Now, I'm sorry, Rose, but offhand, I couldn't tell you what qualifications are necessary to become a missionary.
20:34But I suspect you don't have them, dear.
20:38No, the best kind of Christian is the one who does very humble things.
20:45The sort of thing I shall be doing later when I'm cleaning the church with the ladies' guild.
21:08Richard?
21:21Richard?
21:29I appear to have lost Richard.
21:31It's usually out here when I come to the car.
21:34It's most extraordinary.
21:37I always come out of the house, lock up, go to the car, and Richard opens the car door for
21:46me.
21:48He's never not been here before.
21:59I'm sure you'll come back, Highson.
22:02He's very well trained.
22:04I hope I haven't left him somewhere.
22:10I have an insufficient answer.
22:13I couldn't order harps.
22:15I've got a reputation around here.
22:35Thank you for the lift, Elizabeth.
22:38I wonder where Richard is.
22:41Well, it's no bother, Highson.
22:42I was coming here anyway.
22:43Well, I know, dear, but I thought we'd all come in our car.
22:46It shines so much nicer.
22:57Well, come along, Elizabeth.
22:59Let's go and join the ladies.
23:05Oh, look at that.
23:07How kind.
23:08I expect they've dashed in to make me a cup of tea.
23:28Oh, nice.
23:30You're being hustled.
23:31You've been hiding those wicked talents all these years.
23:39Right, good afternoon, ladies.
23:42Thank you, as usual, for turning up so enthusiastically.
23:45Now, I have a list of tasks that need doing,
23:48so if you'll gather round, I'll ask for volunteers.
23:52Oh, come along.
23:54Here we go.
23:56Excuse me.
23:57Excuse me.
23:58Good afternoon, my dear.
24:00We're here, ready and willing.
24:02Good afternoon.
24:04Now, a few polishing.
24:07Two volunteers, please.
24:10Miss Wilson and Miss Barber.
24:15Right.
24:16Changing the flowers.
24:19Mrs Dawson and Mrs Andrews.
24:25Now, the brassware.
24:29People always comment on my shiny brassware.
24:33I'm sure they do.
24:34Mrs Warden and Miss Harvey.
24:42Now, the altar cloth needs changing.
24:46And my tableware.
24:48Mrs Barrett.
24:53Ah, yes.
24:54Now, this needs quite a bit of work on it.
24:58Can I have a volunteer to clean the church hall toilet area?
25:08Mrs Bucket.
25:15There are lots of cobwebs in the area adjacent to the organ loft.
25:20And I think it's about time to give us a fire going over.
25:23So, if you do that.
25:25So, if you do that.
25:25Excuse me.
25:25Excuse me.
25:26Excuse, excuse, excuse, excuse, excuse.
25:30Rose, what are you doing?
25:32I've come to help with the church cleaning for that dishy vicar.
25:38I've forgotten all about church cleaning.
25:41I was supposed to take high acid church cleaning.
25:44Guess who's in the deep and murky then.
25:46I've told you.
25:47You've got to take an aggressive line.
25:50I will.
25:50I rather think I will.
25:52I mean, even when you're sober.
25:56Oh, I don't know about sober.
26:12Rose, what are you doing?
26:14Well, there's an old birth nest up there that the vicar's wife wants removing.
26:17So, I said I'd do it.
26:19It needs someone with a good head behind.
26:21And someone with a longer skirt.
26:24Rose.
26:24Rose, I forbid you to go up that ladder wearing that skirt.
26:28Do you want me to take it off then?
26:32No, of course not.
26:34Though I doubt if anybody had noticed the difference.
26:42At last.
26:47Richard, where have you been?
26:49Oh, here and there.
26:53Oslo, I hope you haven't been leading him astray.
26:55It was only our first attempt.
26:57We got nowhere near as far as astray.
27:00Yeah.
27:01Yeah.
27:06Well, now you're here, Oslo.
27:07You can take Rose home.
27:09Rose?
27:09Rose, what's she doing here?
27:11She volunteered to help with the church cleaning.
27:14Where is she then?
27:17She's over there.
27:37Please do give her my regards.
27:38Good afternoon, Vicar.
27:40Isn't it a lovely day?
27:42Oh, yes.
27:43Do you think the rains need dusting?
27:46Dusting?
27:46Well, they look rather dull in this kind of life.
28:02Oh, really?
28:03I'm going to show you my holiday brushes.
28:05Oh, really?
28:52Hello welcome for ingland
28:55Hello welcome to england
28:59Hello welcome to england
29:05Hello welcome to england
29:07It's much more than fish and chips
29:09We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips
29:11Ballyed up kids and a RS6
29:12Big two fiddies, four fiddies with a kick
29:14Lies with more grips, little creep in your crib
29:16I smell bacon, I smell pigs
29:18Take the cash down, get into the whip
29:19Leeds roll waste and I'm feeling like Hamilton
29:21Weegros amazing, crops gang grabbing them
29:23Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them
29:25Fuck the West Yorkshire, police, yeah, they're stunning them