- 12 hours ago
Hyacinth's social standing at a church function is jeopardised when Daisy tries to encourage Onslow to become more ardent. She pretends to have found herself a 17-year-old toy boy.
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00:05you're quite sure my milk went into a clean bottle
00:14very good I do like a milkman with clean fingernails
00:19you may bring an extra yogurt tomorrow you see how cleanliness pays
00:25wow what flavor surprise me I'd love to there's that dreadful dog again he's
00:36always coming into my garden and making gestures I can understand that just a
00:48minute where are you going Richard you wanted the roses dead heavy aren't we
00:52forgetting something I kissed you good morning didn't I kiss you good morning
00:56it's not that dear you're not wearing a tie I'm gonna deadhead the roses I will
01:05not have you standing out in the street half-dressed we have a social position to
01:14maintain
01:14good morning Elizabeth good morning Marjorie good morning Phyllis shall you be coming later to the church hall oh yes
01:22expect I shall be coming with hyacinth how do you manage to live next door to hyacinth
01:28you get used to it I think that's terrible fancy having to get used to it I can't
01:35stand her she once invited me to one of her candlelight suppers oh then you get
01:40used to them too you poor fit absolutely can't stand her if that door open now I'd
01:47hide you get used to doing back to you see that's better I feel a bit overdressed I will not
01:58have you
01:58out there gardening with your shirts wide open the next thing you know you'll be looking like
02:03Onslow well sometimes you have to admire Onslow's relaxed attitude to life Onslow's idea of what to do
02:09with the garden is to abandon an old car in it but he enjoys life exactly what kind of
02:15irresponsibility is that I'll be off then wipe your feet before you come back in there right got that
02:38you know you lose you know you know what I love something no were we thought we saw a worm
02:52it seemed a very unusual sort of worm very well I can't stand here all day
03:11oh it's you Onslow how are you you needn't go into detail this is merely an inquiry after your
03:18general health I'm sorry you have a mosquito bite but its exact location is
03:25really no business of mine despite our being related through marriage yes Onslow
03:31I'm sure that most people wonder how you managed to get bitten there that's not the
03:36kind of speculation I care to pursue thank you Onslow that's enough of the
03:42course remarks I wish to converse with my sister Daisy good morning dear what was
03:49Onslow wearing oh I hate talking to Onslow when he's only wearing a vest no
03:58wonder he gets mosquito bites in odd places how's daddy heavily sedated good I think
04:07it's best don't you it suits him bless him sometimes I think it might suit Onslow
04:14now why I'm calling Daisy is that I shan't be able to visit today after all by popular demand I've
04:23been
04:23invited to take charge of things at the ladies circle yes we're having a visiting speaker and
04:30they need me there to give things a little style and polish I couldn't miss it they wouldn't allow
04:35it they rely on me totally mmm all alone Richard at the moment yes hyacinth indoors is she mm-hmm
04:52not a bad morning
04:53no very present coffee elizabeth
05:00damn shoelaces listen I must be good
05:09did I hear a summons to coffee yes yes coffee yes of course the back door dear
05:31oh
05:40Elizabeth
05:42oh there you are here
05:44of course if you hadn't been gardening you could have come in at the front I had changed
05:49my shoes and wash my hands what I always do when I've been gardening has changed my shoes and wash
05:54my
05:54hands
05:56do sit down Elizabeth make yourself at home
05:58no not dear dear I like to face the window
06:03I thought you'd be happier with a beaker rather than with my delicate hand painted china
06:08you're right
06:10for some reason I'm always a bundle of nerves when I'm in your home
06:13can't imagine why dear you should have more confidence in yourself
06:17well I do try I'm sure you do dear but it can't be easy when you're all thumbs
06:23laughs
06:46have you told onzo yet
06:48twice
06:49What did you say? I don't think he was listening.
06:52Are you going to tell him? I'm going to tell him!
06:57Come on, then. In he comes. Come on. Come on.
07:00Come in. Come on.
07:02Brooke!
07:03Oh, come on!
07:05Brooke, shut up, you!
07:07Come on, be quiet. Come on, then.
07:09On Monday, wearing another hat, Michael Allen accepted a cheque for £1,300
07:14from Paul and Carol Elliot, two former stable employees
07:20Onslow?
07:20Yeah?
07:22I've got something to tell you, Onslow.
07:23Hang on, they're nearly off.
07:26I'm in love, Onslow, with a 17-year-old.
07:29It's got a good chance, this. I've got two quid on it.
07:33Onslow, I'm trying to tell you,
07:35your wife is in love with a 17-year-old.
07:41That's disgusting, that is.
07:43Interrupting a bloke's prime-time viewing.
07:47Anybody we know?
07:59I thought he belonged to Rose.
08:02He did, but they found they weren't compatible.
08:05Oh, he's nice enough, we just weren't compatible.
08:07How old is he?
08:09Seventeen!
08:11Is he old enough to smoke?
08:18Oh, Tart.
08:21Can I keep a pack?
08:22Oh, cheers.
08:24Do you think you can keep him interested
08:26till he's old enough to drink?
08:29Oh, no, look, I've missed it now.
08:32But why don't you just bug off and let me watch the replay?
08:46Now, I don't intend to make a big issue of it.
08:49I'd rather it became clear gradually
08:51that I've brought my own delicate hand-painted china
08:54for the benefit of the guest speaker,
08:56myself and other prominent members.
09:06Have you seen a goat?
09:08It's worse than that.
09:09Hierson!
09:10Hierson!
09:14Now, you will be careful with my china, Richard.
09:19I will if I can see.
09:25Hello, don't ask me to carry a best china hyacinth.
09:28I can't bear the responsibility.
09:30You'll have no problem, dear.
09:32I shall open every door for you.
09:48Ah! Vicar!
09:52Just the man I want to see.
09:54Hello, Mrs Bucket.
09:56Bouquet.
09:59A little word with you in private, Vicar.
10:01For the benefit of the top table and the guest speaker,
10:04I've brought along my own delicate hand-painted china.
10:10I thought she was going to open every door.
10:14Thank you, Vicar.
10:15Oh, it's very quiet here.
10:17There don't seem to be many people about.
10:18No, er, please excuse me.
10:20Oh!
10:21Do be careful, Elizabeth.
10:24That was a gift from someone very dear to me.
10:27Richard bought it?
10:28No, not Richard.
10:29It was a gift from Sheridan to his mummy.
10:32Then I paid the bill.
10:33Well, you couldn't expect a schoolboy to afford things like this.
10:36Now, put them safely on that table, dears.
10:39Vicar, what time is our guest speaker arriving?
10:45Oh, dear, I forgot the sausage rolls.
10:52Hi, isn't it?
10:58Well, there should be somebody here.
11:03There's food on the table.
11:05Of a rather unimaginative variety, it must be said.
11:08I think it needs a smidgen of my own cuisine.
11:11Richard, bring my accoutrements through, will you, dear?
11:15Well, this will be the principal buffet table, of course.
11:18Well, I must be getting on, Mrs Bucket.
11:21OK.
11:23I'll catch you later, Vicar, and fill you in on Sheridan's progress at university.
11:27Oh, good.
11:29He's doing brilliantly well, you know.
11:31Ah.
11:31His tutors all forecast astonishing things for him.
11:37Just put them down there, dear. They should be quite safe.
11:40Now, I'd better try and bring a little style and polish to this food.
11:45I shall need some extra people for the unskilled jobs.
11:49Receptive people who are willing to watch and learn.
11:52Elizabeth, come here, dear.
11:55While Richard is guarding my china,
11:57will you go and round me up a few willing helpers?
12:00Er, what if they won't come, Hyacinth?
12:03What do you mean, won't come? Just tell them who it's for, dear.
12:08It hasn't worked.
12:10You don't know that.
12:13Well, look at him. Does he look jealous?
12:17Maybe he's hiding it.
12:19Doing a very good job.
12:21Maybe he's in turmoil inside.
12:24Well, if he is, it's indigestion.
12:29Let's find out.
12:31Onslow, do you think you'll be able to cope
12:34now that Daisy's got a toy boy?
12:38I will.
12:39I think you'll be able to cope.
12:43I trust you've remembered your cruets, ladies.
12:49Oh, you do your lettuce like that, do you?
12:50Sort of lumpy and carefree, isn't it?
12:53My Sheridan prefers his arrange rather more symmetrically.
12:57But then he has such natural good taste.
12:59My mummy, he used to boast, designs the perfect salad.
13:04A wicked boy, Sheridan.
13:07I used to protest, of course, covered with embarrassment,
13:10but that's how he was.
13:11So perceptive, even at that age.
13:14Yes, you need real skill to muster clingfilm, don't you, dear?
13:18Oh, yes, he always had good taste,
13:21even as quite a small child.
13:22When other boys would come home from school,
13:25looking as though they'd barely survived an explosion,
13:27my Sheridan would always have his tie on straight
13:30and the cleanest pair of knees in the civilised world.
13:33Oh, is that one of Mrs Watson's cakes?
13:36Oh, yes, I can see it is now.
13:39She does try, bless her.
13:42That's one of Sheridan's favourite cakes,
13:44when it's made properly.
13:47Not that he has a sweet tooth, he's very self-disciplined.
13:50Oh, I remember his scoutmaster used to say
13:53that he'd never known anyone
13:55apply more grit and determination
13:57to the acquisition of his cook's badge than Sheridan.
14:00Oh, that's nice, dear.
14:02Whatever it is.
14:09It's very tolerant of Onslow to let me have a toyboy.
14:14It's just a bit too tolerant of Onslow to let me have a toyboy.
14:18And you spent all that time and trouble on his mosquito bite.
14:24I suppose I just have to conclude that Onslow doesn't love me.
14:29Maybe underneath he loves you.
14:31Underneath what?
14:32He's got practically nothing on.
14:35How soon the magic slips from your marriage.
14:39These days, he never says anything nice to me.
14:42Never anything romantic?
14:44Never.
14:46I tell a lie.
14:48Once he said,
14:50Daisy, you do great chips.
14:53It's not much after 20 years of marriage.
14:56Is that all he says?
14:58Any more beer?
15:00That's what he says mostly.
15:09LAUGHTER
15:20See, I think the thing is, he just doesn't notice.
15:24If you were with some other man and saw you with your toyboy,
15:28then the other man would be bound to notice
15:30and say something to Onslow.
15:33Then Onslow would have to notice.
15:36We need another man.
15:38Somebody reliable.
15:39Yeah.
15:40Somebody who Onslow would listen to.
15:44Richard!
15:49Don't worry, dear, they're not coming till one o'clock.
15:53And of course, what is quite exceptional in this day and age
15:57is Sheridan's instinctive thoughtfulness,
15:59his absolute care and concern for his mother.
16:03It's so very rare.
16:05Especially when they're gifted academically.
16:11Garlic!
16:12Do you think that's quite appropriate in an Anglican church hall?
16:17LAUGHTER
16:22How do you mean, Richard needs me?
16:24Go and find out.
16:26But why'd you need me?
16:28He wouldn't say, but it's important.
16:29He sounded urgent on the phone.
16:31I never heard the phone.
16:32Once we had a chimney stack blow down, you never heard that either.
16:36He never needed me before.
16:38He's your brother-in-law.
16:40Just go and find out what he wants.
16:42But where is he?
16:43He's at St Thingy's Church Hall.
16:45Where?
16:46Near Hyacinth, but wait outside.
16:48Away from Hyacinth.
16:50He needs you.
16:51What he needs is a holiday from Hyacinth.
16:54Um...
16:55Do you want to?
16:56Go on.
17:11Oh, yes, those will do, dear. I expect they'll see us through lunch.
17:15Oh, Vicar.
17:17I wanted to tell you about my Sheridan, didn't I?
17:22You've never met him, of course.
17:24I'm afraid not, no.
17:26But you'll have heard of him.
17:27Oh, more than once.
17:28More than once.
17:31That's better.
17:34I must bring him over the next time he's on leave from his academic studies.
17:39May I, uh...
17:40Oh, thank you.
17:42Oh, better still, you could come over to one of my candlelight suppers.
17:46Hmm.
17:47No, not there, Vicar.
17:49There.
17:56You'll find his conversation very stimulating.
17:58I'm sure.
18:00Everyone says that he has amazing intellectual powers.
18:05That's nice.
18:07Yes, isn't it?
18:11Of course, I spotted it early.
18:13He was most exceptional, even as a child.
18:16Yes, he would be.
18:17Excuse me, Vicar.
18:18Hyacinth, have you seen your husband?
18:20Of course I see him regularly.
18:21It's a good wife's duty.
18:24No, there's someone outside asking for him.
18:26For Richard.
18:27Oh, it'll be someone very important from the council.
18:30There'll be a crisis.
18:31Richard is invaluable in a crisis.
18:34Excuse me, Vicar, I'd better go and find him.
18:36Lives could be at stake.
18:37Help the Vicar, will you, dear?
18:39Richard!
18:43That's better.
18:44Richard!
18:45Richard!
18:47I can't think who it might be.
18:49All the more reason to take trouble.
18:52First impressions are very important.
18:53Now, I suggest one hand in your jacket pocket.
18:57It gives a sense of relaxed alertness.
19:03Try the other one, dear.
19:07No, I don't think so.
19:09Perhaps you should show a handkerchief in your top pocket.
19:12I'm going.
19:13Oh, really?
19:15Well, we can't do that, then.
19:16Well, don't stand back.
19:18The entire simple may be nothing.
19:20May be the key to your next promotion.
19:25What's the news like doing here?
19:27How should I know?
19:29Get rid of him.
19:30How can I do that?
19:31Get rid of him.
19:33Oh, very well, leave it to me.
19:35Be tactful.
19:36Of course I'll be tactful.
19:38Honslow, go away.
19:40Before anyone sees you.
19:42It was only you.
19:43And the vicar.
19:44And a few assaulted females.
19:46You've not been talking to the vicar, have you?
19:48I hope you haven't been talking to the vicar.
19:51Relax. I just caught a glimpse of him through the window, didn't I?
19:54Well, that's all right, then.
19:56Anyway, whatever it is, it'll have to wait.
19:58I want a word with Richard.
20:00That is impossible at the moment.
20:02Someone very important is looking for Richard.
20:04He's been asked for at the door.
20:06That was me.
20:08You?
20:09What do you mean, you?
20:13What is all this about?
20:15I don't know.
20:16Don't look at me.
20:18Now, excuse me, Honslow.
20:19I need it inside.
20:23Now, get him out of sight and don't be long.
20:30She does a great line in Waffle, your eyes is.
20:33Richard!
20:35A word with you, please.
20:38See you around the back.
20:49Why does Honslow never wear a suit?
20:52He has a suit.
20:53He got married in a suit.
20:55He still looked terrible, but at least he looked terrible in a suit.
20:59Now there, come on.
21:00So why are there always parts of him bulging out of skimpy garments?
21:04Come along, dear.
21:05He dresses casually.
21:07There's a difference between casual and downright reckless.
21:11I can't imagine why Daisy married him.
21:14You play together as children.
21:16You have all the strange, childish fears about monsters.
21:20Little do you dream that your sister's going to grow up to marry one?
21:24Well, there's no accounting for who falls for whom.
21:28Well, there should be.
21:29And don't get in a pet, dear.
21:31It's very untidy.
21:33Suits into breeding with T-shirts.
21:35No good will come of it.
21:38Now, where is Honslow now?
21:39I'll send him round the back.
21:41Oh, good.
21:41Now, keep going, dear.
21:42There's lots more to do.
21:43Oh, no.
21:46I haven't put my china in with all the rest.
21:49Elizabeth, dear, give me a hand, will you, with all this china up to the top table.
21:53I won't have the wrong people drinking out of my hand-painted periwinkles.
21:57Oh, dear.
21:59I think the guest speaker will be at the top table, but I'd better check with the vicar.
22:03Where is he?
22:04He's outside at the back.
22:06What?
22:06He's just started the outdoor prayers.
22:10Richard, don't just sit there, dear.
22:11Come on.
22:13And hurry before the vicar catches up with him.
22:15I'll be out later.
22:17Put those down, dear.
22:19I thought she said put them on the top.
22:22This one just...
22:28It's nothing, nothing, nothing.
22:32Just the chalice broken on the wheel.
22:35The pitcher shattered at the fountain.
22:38Pardon?
22:39Forty pound each and irreplaceable.
22:42I'll leave my mind, will be a good wind.
22:49Who so be sensitive now, there's this whole story.
22:58Who upon shall so fall, his sake of morning.
23:06Who upon shall stay his might.
23:10Though he with giants fight.
23:14This is a nice place to track a bloke.
23:16Why do you want to see me?
23:18Who are you here?
23:19Me?
23:20Did I want to see you?
23:23I've got a message.
23:26Not from me.
23:27My spirit.
23:29We know we at the end.
23:34Shall love inherit.
23:38Then can't see free away.
23:42I'll fear not what men say.
23:46I'll lay the night and day.
23:49To be a pilgrim.
23:54Oh...
23:55I'll wait.
23:55I'll lay the night and day.
24:02Beate.
24:03I'll lay the night and day.
24:06Can't see me.
24:07I'll lay the night and day.
24:10And I'll lay the night and day.
24:11Never be fine.
24:16Closed to be the night.
24:17No, no.
24:18What?
24:34I have no idea.
24:36I've never seen her before in my life.
24:48Sorry.
24:52Great idea of yours, Dicky, to drag me in here.
24:55Cheers.
25:00Onslow, I don't want to be personal, but at the church hall just now...
25:07What's that Daisy?
25:09Daisy?
25:10Your wife.
25:12Oh, that Daisy.
25:15Didn't you think it was funny?
25:18I suppose I did, really.
25:21I never knew she liked motorbikes.