- 7 weeks ago
Hyacinth's father has sustained an injury chasing the milkwoman on his bicycle, and is now heavily sedated in hospital.
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00:20We're going to have to tell our Hyacinth.
00:22Oh, God, not tonight.
00:24Tomorrow morning, I couldn't face Hyacinth.
00:26Not tonight.
00:28Now, ladies.
00:38You're new?
00:40Only round here, lady.
00:42Have you nothing for this address?
00:43Sorry.
00:44I'd be greatly obliged if you'd make quite sure.
00:50There's usually something for a Mrs. Richard bouquet.
00:54How do you spell bouquet?
00:56B-U-C-K-E-T.
00:58Come on.
01:01B-U-C-K-E-T.
01:05Oh, bucket.
01:10Well, I'm sorry, lady.
01:11There's nothing here for a bouquet.
01:14Nothing for this address.
01:16And yet you have something for next door.
01:18I find that very strange.
01:19I can't help that, lady.
01:20But people will tell you.
01:23It's common knowledge I receive more mail than these next door.
01:28There must be a card from my sister in Tenerife.
01:31She's back home, of course, but we're still waiting for the card.
01:36Anything wrong, Hyacinth?
01:38He's mislaid my letters at the sorting office.
01:40This would never have happened with my former postman.
01:46You will remember, Elizabeth, that you're invited this evening to my candlelight supper.
01:51It's engraved on my mind, Hyacinth.
01:55Telephone, dear.
01:55You want it on the phone.
01:56I think it's urgent.
01:58I'm not offering an opinion.
01:59That's what she said.
02:00Urgent.
02:01Just don't shout in that excitable manner outdoors, Richard.
02:05I don't like you getting excited outdoors.
02:12Morning, Major.
02:14Bygone woman.
02:15You can drive a man mad looking so attractive so early in the day.
02:21Oh, Major.
02:23You'll not forget my little candlelight supper this evening.
02:2819.30 hours.
02:29I'll be there, you minx.
02:32You can always tell breeding.
02:38The phone, Hyacinth, I think it's urgent.
02:41It's about your father.
02:46We're going to have to emulsion this ceiling.
02:48We've just done it.
02:50It's not a fit ceiling to bring a Major under.
02:53It's a sister Daisy.
02:55She's not coming, is she?
02:56Not in an awful coat.
02:58And he's not bringing it.
02:59Not in that rust bucket of a car.
03:01I will not have them, but...
03:03I think it's urgent.
03:04It's so thoughtless to look as poor as they do.
03:07Daisy, how are you, dear?
03:10Daddy, ill?
03:10How ill?
03:12Is it of a severity necessary to cancel my candlelight supper?
03:17What was he doing at his age on a bicycle?
03:22Oh, my God.
03:24How much to drink?
03:28Yes, Hyacinth.
03:30What did she say?
03:32She says not to go over to her place.
03:34She's coming here.
03:36Oh, that's all we need, a royal visit.
03:39I was hoping she'd go straight to the hospital.
03:42They won't let anybody in till visiting time.
03:45Don't you remember when I was in, having that breakdown on account of Mr. Crabtree?
03:51What ever happened to Mr. Crabtree?
03:55I swore I'd never see him again.
03:58And for a while, I cut it back ruthlessly to every other Tuesday.
04:02Does Boris know about you still seeing Mr. Crabtree?
04:06Of course he doesn't know.
04:07Do you think I'm stupid?
04:08I don't know how you keep the pace, our Rose.
04:12It's not easy.
04:14If you relax for a minute, they're going back to their wives.
04:18I envy you, our Daisy.
04:21When?
04:21It must be wonderful being married to a bum like your, Onslow.
04:27So you can let yourself go completely.
04:30I wouldn't say completely.
04:33Nearly enough completely.
04:36Get a shirt on, Onslow.
04:39Hyacinth's coming.
04:40Oh, nice.
04:42She's going to want to know exactly what happened.
04:46You'll have to tell her.
04:48I don't see why I should have to tell her.
04:50Well, you'll have to tell her because I'll be too busy tidying up.
04:57I hate tidying up.
04:58I'm under the doctor for being dizzy.
05:01I'm sure it's tidying up.
05:04If you only got dizzy when you tidied up, you should have the clearest head in the area.
05:33You're going to park in the turning area?
05:35There's no room in front of the house.
05:36It blocks the road.
05:37Hmm?
05:37However, I'm game if you are, if you want to block the road.
05:40It's just that I wish you would consult me, Richard.
05:42I don't like him making decisions unilaterally.
05:55Would you like me to lock the car?
05:57Oh.
05:58I think so, don't you?
06:01We're practically in Beirut.
06:08Arnold's low.
06:11Dickie.
06:13Hi, Sif.
06:15Why, dear, let him call you Dickie?
06:18How can I help it if he calls me Dickie?
06:30Queen Mulder's outside.
06:45Give us a hand, oh, Rose.
06:48I'm expecting a call.
06:49I gave Boris this number, the swine promised he'd ring.
07:05Leave it, leave it.
07:26Richard!
07:28Now what?
07:29You shouldn't be stretching your legs like that at your age.
07:32It's a little in broad daylight in front of prying eyes.
07:55Here we are, then.
08:12Jacob!
08:15Tell me what happened.
08:22Dad's not been well lately.
08:24Well, why wasn't I informed?
08:28It's not been the kind of not well you'd want to be informed about.
08:33What kind has it been?
08:39It's a bit embarrassing, really.
08:41Embarrassing?
08:42Daddy?
08:43He's a dirty old man.
08:44Shut up, don't you?
08:46Richard!
08:47Go and keep an eye on the car.
08:49I think I'll go and keep an eye on the car.
08:54What does Anzo mean?
08:57He means...
08:59Dad's taken to going out at night on his own lately.
09:02And the Nuddy.
09:03And the Nuddy.
09:08But...
09:09Oh!
09:10But...
09:11Why would Father be in the nude?
09:13He's in love with the milk woman.
09:15Oh, don't be so ridiculous.
09:16You'd have thought so if you'd have seen him pedalling after us, stark naked on his bike.
09:22He chased her for a mile, down by the canal.
09:25But the milk woman doesn't go anywhere near the canal, does she?
09:28She did last night.
09:30He caught her on her way to bingo.
09:33Well...
09:34You know how fond he is of dairy products.
09:36I expect he wanted to order extra cream.
09:57But why would your father have been naked?
10:00I don't believe it.
10:02And keep your voice down.
10:04That's fair enough with his clothes on.
10:07Daddy would never be naked.
10:09Why would Daddy be naked when he's got his name down for a nice old person's bungalow?
10:20This way, Mrs Bucket.
10:21It's okay.
10:26How are you feeling, Mr Oxley?
10:29Better than him.
10:32Daddy.
10:33I'm afraid he won't be aware of very much, Mrs Bucket.
10:36Bouquet.
10:37He's quite comfortable, but heavily sedated.
10:40Oh, Daddy.
10:43Should he be at a ward with a person who wears his hat in bed?
10:47I'll leave you with your father.
10:48Doctor, what condition was my father in when he was admitted?
10:52Drunk as a skunk.
10:57I expect he was flushed from excessive cycling.
11:01Can you describe what he was wearing, Doctor?
11:04Very quickly.
11:05Very little, really.
11:06To be honest, nothing at all.
11:10There must be some mistake.
11:11Yes, that's what I thought.
11:13It was quite a chilly evening.
11:15He'd been in the canal.
11:17He was that blustered.
11:19He wobbled off into the canal.
11:22Well, that explains it.
11:23My father was cycling along the canal
11:25when he saw someone in distress,
11:27so he removed his outer garments
11:29and dived in to save them.
11:30Oh, brave Daddy.
11:34Very commendable.
11:36He must remove more than his outer garments, Mrs. Bucket.
11:40Bouquet.
11:42When it was pulled out, he was absolutely naked.
11:46Pollution.
11:47I mean, what he'd been wearing
11:48was obviously dissolved by the pollution.
11:51If you'll excuse me, I must attend to my other patient.
11:53Why is he sedated after such a plucky act?
11:56Well, he was highly excited,
11:58and then, of course, there was the injury.
11:59From the milk bottle.
12:02Where is the injury?
12:03You may tell me the worst.
12:04I demand to be shown
12:07the extent of his injuries.
12:10Very well.
12:25Where is the injury?
12:27Never you mind.
12:47How are things?
12:49I'm too distressed at the moment, Elizabeth.
12:52My father is recovering from injuries
12:54sustained in the course of a very plucky action,
12:56which he modestly forbids me to discuss.
13:00Well, is there anything I...
13:02Just give me time to recover my composure,
13:04and then come and take tea with me at 3.25.
13:083.25?
13:10Not 27.
13:23Oh, it's you, Elizabeth.
13:25A tiny bit early, perhaps, but do come in.
13:29I thought it was 3.25.
13:31Not quite, dear.
13:32My watch is 3.25.
13:34Oh, that watch.
13:35Yes, I expect it would.
13:37Shall we go through to the kitchen?
13:40I don't know why you won't let me through your back door.
13:43I think it's so common, don't you, using back doors?
13:46No.
13:47The proper way for my guests, I always feel,
13:50is through the front door.
13:51And then straight into the kitchen?
13:53Well, yes.
13:54Unless, of course, it's someone special.
13:58Now, I know you're saying to yourself,
13:59how is she being so brave?
14:01Well, yes, I am brave.
14:03My father would wish it.
14:05I admit I miss my Sheridan at times like these.
14:08He's such a comfort to his mother,
14:10as well as being terribly gifted.
14:11Do sit down, Elizabeth.
14:12Make yourself at home.
14:13Oh, not there, dear.
14:14I like to face the window.
14:19Now.
14:24Lemon?
14:28My word.
14:30Doesn't someone look smarter than she did earlier?
14:33Something new, dear?
14:35No, no, I've had it ages.
14:37Oh, yes, I can see you have now.
14:41I thought we'd have the nicer china.
14:43Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.
14:45There's something of a family heirloom.
14:47Oh, God, don't get me anything special.
14:49So, you will be careful, won't you, dear?
14:53Biscuit?
14:58I used to have six of these
15:00until one fell into the hands of my brother-in-law, Onslow,
15:03one Christmas.
15:03I could have killed him.
15:05Of course, one can't make a fuss on festive occasions,
15:08but he's certainly got the short end of the turkey,
15:10I can tell you.
15:14Did they tell you what was wrong with your father?
15:17Something mildly embarrassing.
15:19One of those minor geriatric complaints.
15:22I couldn't catch the medical terminology.
15:32No, you cannot have a number 24,
15:34nor a double portion of 37.
15:36This isn't the Chinese takeaway.
15:39This is a private, slim-line, white telephone
15:42with no connection whatsoever to any business or trade.
15:47Especially not one of foreign extraction.
15:51Oh, Hyacinth, I'm so sorry.
15:54Now, do stop worrying, dear.
15:55We're not going to fall out over a cup of saucer.
15:58Even a very old, irreplaceable cup of saucer.
16:02Oh, it would happen to me.
16:03Now, believe me, I do understand.
16:05It can't be easy to be dainty when you're all thumbs.
16:09There, I think that will do
16:11until I can afford a little more time.
16:13Oh, dear.
16:13Now, we're not going to worry any more
16:15about a bit of expensive carpet
16:17and the cup that's been around for ages.
16:19Which reminds me, did it soil your dress, dear?
16:22No, no.
16:23It's no surprising, it didn't turn fine.
16:25Oh, that's amazing.
16:26Would you like another cup of Earl Grey?
16:28No.
16:30In a beaker, perhaps?
16:31Nope, nothing, thank you, no.
16:32Well, it's all over now.
16:34Oh, all over, everywhere.
16:37Do sit down again, Elizabeth.
16:41Have you heard from Gail recently?
16:44Yes, she rang at the weekend.
16:46That's nice.
16:47I think a daughter always should.
16:49Oh, Gail's very good that way.
16:51So is my Sheridan.
16:53I tremble to think sometimes
16:55of what he spends on phone calls to his mother.
16:57Not that he can't afford it, of course.
16:59They gave him a very good grant at the poly, you know,
17:02to stop him being tempted by Oxford or Cambridge.
17:07Gail's studying hard.
17:09Well, it's a struggle, isn't it,
17:10when they're not academically gifted?
17:13Our Gail is academically gifted, is she?
17:17Oh, I wonder who I can be confusing her with.
17:20Perhaps it's that boy she's living so openly
17:22and unashamedly unmarried with.
17:25I hardly think so.
17:27Harold is a very nice boy with a first-class brain.
17:30Is he?
17:31Yes, he is, Hyacinth, I can assure you.
17:33Well, you'd never know to look at him, would you?
17:38I hope that's not Daddy going septic.
17:46The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
17:50Oh, it's you, Violet.
17:52It's my sister, Violet,
17:54the one who married the turf accountant.
17:55He built that big house with room for a sauna and a pony.
17:58I don't know how to speak about Violet.
18:00Frequently.
18:03Slow down, Violet, dear.
18:05You sound very excited.
18:06I know it's been a shock about Daddy.
18:09Well, what are you excited about?
18:12Violet, that's not a word I ever expected to hear you use on a telephone.
18:17Bruce?
18:18What about Bruce?
18:22I don't...
18:23Oh, well, I've never liked him wholeheartedly
18:28on account of those ice cubes he serves in the shape of naked ladies.
18:33Why shouldn't he buy a whip?
18:34I expect he got it from a jockey.
18:37What does he use it for?
18:41Violet, would you ring back, dear?
18:45No, no, all right, all right, I'll stay on the phone.
18:48Look, hold on, there's a person at the front door.
18:51Elizabeth, would you see to that for me, dear?
18:54Kindly inform whoever it is that I am at home
18:57and that I will receive them momentarily.
19:02No, dear, it's Elizabeth from next door.
19:06That's right, the one who's all thumbs.
19:10Well, you met her once at one of my candlelight suppers.
19:14What do you mean you couldn't see anybody?
19:18Well, she's fine.
19:20She's just broken one of grandmother's cups.
19:24It's a security latch.
19:25There's a little button.
19:27Richard had it installed
19:28to protect me from anyone desperate.
19:32There would have to be.
19:37Ah, electric.
19:38Have you been next door?
19:40Yes, there's nobody in.
19:41I know, I'm here.
19:42Oh, well, I've left you a card.
19:43Oh, it's the electric man to read your meter.
19:47Is it the one with the funny moustache?
19:51Tell her yes.
19:53He says yes.
19:54Well, make him wait there till I've looked at his feet.
19:58Look, Violet, I have to go, dear.
20:01I've got the electric.
20:05Oh, my goodness.
20:07I'm so sorry.
20:09I've been thinking about my sister.
20:10She seems to have had a rather active holiday.
20:12Oh, the shoes.
20:15You've remembered our procedure from last time.
20:18Very well.
20:20Well, if I leave them outside and do come in.
20:23Thank you, dear.
20:25Great improvement on the one I had before.
20:28He used to brush against my walls.
20:30Of course, I rang his superiors.
20:32I told them, I said,
20:33I will not have electric men brushing against my walls.
20:38Elizabeth, close the door, dear.
20:39The heat's on.
20:42Ah, oh, fingers.
20:48Eight, three, two, one.
20:54Correct.
21:02Is your electric as clean as it was, do you think?
21:04My pots are sometimes very difficult to clean.
21:07Clean as fuel there is.
21:08Well, it goes to some very funny families.
21:11Would you have mine checked to make quite sure I get it first?
21:13Leave it with me, lady.
21:15Because I don't have it if it's already been to some of those other places.
21:19Right, old madam.
21:20Much obliged.
21:28Loading me.
21:35Shouldn't that be its only idea?
21:38Especially when you're shouting at where the neighbours can hear.
21:40I'm not sure.
21:42Well, neither am I, so you must be careful.
21:45How's your father?
21:46I rang.
21:47The ward's sister answered.
21:48She says he's sitting up and beginning to take an interest.
21:51Oh, that's good.
21:52In the physiotherapist.
21:55He thinks he's in love with the physiotherapist.
21:59It's probably just the drugs.
22:01And that swine Bruce wants my sister to wear some awful leather outfit.
22:06Is she going to take her motorcycling?
22:08No, it's not motorcycling.
22:10It's something he picked up in Spain.
22:13Well, bullfighting.
22:14No, I don't think it's that either.
22:16Anyway, dear, enough of my problems.
22:18Did you manage to get my parsley?
22:20Yes, in the kitchen.
22:21And you'll never guess who I bumped into.
22:23Good.
22:24Would you polish those glasses for me, dear?
22:27And then give me a hand with buffing up the cruet.
22:35Sheridan, how sensitive of you to call, dear.
22:39What a close psychic link we have, you and I.
22:41What does he want?
22:43I don't know that he wants anything.
22:44He's just ringing his mother.
22:47You need how much, Sheridan?
22:50For what?
22:51You've joined an organisation.
22:53Well, that's nice, dear, making friends.
22:55What kind of an organisation?
22:57Is it like a club, a golf club?
23:00Not a golf club, I see.
23:01Just a group of friends.
23:04You call yourselves what, dear?
23:06The sword of the people.
23:08Now, do be careful, Sheridan.
23:10Make sure they're not too sharp.
23:14And always wear a mask.
23:16You do wear masks.
23:17Oh, that's very sensible.
23:21You'll pay daddy back when?
23:23When you've robbed your first bank, Sheriff.
23:26Look, dear, couldn't you find some nice philatelic society to join?
23:32Well, no, we will not send a cheque.
23:35Richard, that's Sheridan on the phone.
23:38Oh.
23:41Now, listen, Sheridan, you've upset your father.
23:44Oh, Major, I'm so sorry.
23:48I was expecting another call.
23:50Yes.
23:51Oh, yes, my candlelight supper is still on.
23:54Oh, it's been a funny day, but we have to press on.
23:57Would I like some flowers from your conservatory?
24:01How very kind.
24:03Yes, I'll pop along now.
24:06That's very civilised of you, Major.
24:08Bye.
24:09What about Sheridan?
24:11Don't send him any money.
24:36Oh, isn't this delightful.
24:39You know, this is so kind of you.
24:43I've cut some prime blooms for you.
24:45Oh, lovely.
24:48Oh, you could have worn yourself with it.
24:51Especially.
24:52Oh, no.
24:55I must rush.
24:57There's none.
24:58I, um...
25:00Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:06no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:07Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:27no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:27no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:27no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:27no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:31no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
25:37is concerned, nothing is wrong. We're going to have a candlelight supper. It's going to be the
25:43usual success. I see no reason for trailing our problems in front of our friends. Is the major
25:50coming? Yes, Richard. I do believe the major will be coming. And it's a good job he is a major.
26:00If he was a sergeant, he wouldn't get a foot past the door.