- 11 hours ago
Hyacinth has arranged one of her candlelight suppers with plans to impress Emmet, the director of the local amateur operatic society, with her singing. Circumstances beyond her control soon take over the proceedings.
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00:04The Bacay residence, the lady of the house speaking.
00:08You are whom?
00:09Actually, I think that should be whom.
00:11You are whom?
00:13The Department of Refuse Service Officers.
00:16Oh, you mean the rubbish people.
00:20Yes, I am the lady who's been ringing all week with a complaint.
00:24Yes, thank you for finally returning my call.
00:27My complaint is about your dustbin lorries.
00:31All right, your collection vehicles.
00:33They will keep passing down my avenue.
00:37Now, I don't mind them coming on Tuesday because that's when I put my dustbin out.
00:42But I wish you would forbid them to pass down my avenue on other days.
00:46It gives the impression that I specialise in superfluous amounts of garbage.
00:51Oh, I know what they're doing.
00:53They're taking the shortcut.
00:54And I'd like you to do something about it.
00:58Well, if that's your excuse, I wouldn't even put it in a black plastic bag and stuff it in a
01:02dustbin.
01:04Hello?
01:05Hello?
01:06Hello?
01:10Bolshe bin man.
01:17Oh, you feel like doing a little gardening.
01:19Well, that's progress.
01:20Better than staying in and moping about your divorce.
01:23I'm quite good at gardening.
01:24Good, that's splendid.
01:26There's plenty of it out there waiting.
01:27What I wasn't good at was marriage.
01:30It's hardly your fault.
01:31She ran off with another man.
01:33Who wasn't even good at gardening.
01:35Oh.
01:37Go on.
01:38Off you go.
01:46What's wrong?
01:47It's her.
01:49Hyacinth.
01:50She's out there in her garden.
01:53You can't stay indoors just because Hyacinth's out there.
01:56I can.
01:57I really can.
01:58Oh, wait a minute.
01:59Don't be silly.
02:00She'll sing at me.
02:01She always sings at me.
02:04She wants you to give her a part in your amateur operatics.
02:08If you start a conversation with her, she'd have to stop singing.
02:12Then she'll talk to me.
02:13Being talked to by Hyacinth is almost as bad as being sung at.
02:21Telephone, Hyacinth.
02:23Richard.
02:24Don't shout, dear.
02:32Is it my Sheridan?
02:34No, it's your sister Violet.
02:37Oh, my sister Violet with the luxury bungalow and the swimming pool.
02:43Richard.
02:44I have reason to believe that something's pooped in my polyanthus.
02:49How am I supposed to interpret that?
02:51Does she want it confirming or removing?
02:54I'd better ask.
03:07I'm so glad you rang, Violet,
03:10because it saves me making a call
03:11to invite yourself and Bruce to a little candlelight supper this evening.
03:16Why can't you come?
03:18What do you mean you've nothing to wear?
03:21Violet, you've a wardrobe of beautiful clothes.
03:24Bruce is wearing them.
03:28Well, he can't be wearing all of them.
03:31I see.
03:32He's very possessive about them.
03:33Violet, really, you must be firmer with him, dear.
03:37I don't care how disappointed you'll be,
03:39you must not start calling him Brenda.
03:43Now, look, take a firm stand.
03:46It's time you began wearing the trousers.
03:49Oh, you are wearing the trousers.
03:52It's all you've got left.
03:55What's wrong?
03:57It's Bruce again.
03:58He's wearing old Violet's clothes.
04:00Oh, not that knitted two-piece.
04:02I can't bear him in that knitted two-piece.
04:06Poor Violet.
04:07I know how she must hate it.
04:09Especially as he's started to look better than she does.
04:22What are you thinking about, Onslow?
04:25I was wondering.
04:27If there is a force behind the universe,
04:29on balance, would you class it as
04:31A, alien, or B, friendly?
04:34I wish you'd stop watching Open University.
04:40Man has this restless urge to understand.
04:43To understand what?
04:45Well, for a start,
04:45why you keep your knee in me back all night?
04:49Do I keep my knee in your back?
04:51Well, if it's not your knee,
04:52somebody's wearing boots in bed.
04:55You wouldn't notice if I did wear boots in bed.
04:57You'd never notice when I got that new nightie.
05:01Let me give you a tiny word of advice, Daze.
05:04Now, you'll not find this in your romantic novels,
05:06but if you're going to wear a see-through nightie,
05:08don't wear a vest.
05:16A person could freeze to death not wearing a vest,
05:20waiting for you to warm up.
05:24We made love only recently.
05:26It was March.
05:29Was it March?
05:31Good grief, doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself?
05:37He's coming, he's coming!
05:38If it's the insurance man,
05:40tell him I'll see him next week.
05:41It's not the insurance man!
05:43It's Mr. Helliwell,
05:45my Mr. Helliwell.
05:46He's coming to pick me up here later.
05:48Well, I thought that's what you wanted,
05:49some attention from Mr. Helliwell.
05:51I don't want him picking me up here.
05:53I mean, look at the state of the place.
05:55You're going to have to tidy up.
05:57It's your love life.
05:59You tidy up.
06:00I've only just grown me nails back.
06:03Let Mr. Helliwell come early and he can tidy up.
06:07Bog off, Onslow.
06:10Oh, nice.
06:25Oh, what a beautiful day.
06:30Ye gods, hyacinth.
06:31Good morning, Emmett.
06:33Just the person I wanted to see.
06:36I'd like you and Elizabeth to come this evening
06:38to my little candlelight supper.
06:40Oh, thanks.
06:41But I was planning to...
06:43I'm looking forward to entertaining you.
06:45I mean, ordinarily, I'd be only too happy to...
06:47Just because you've had a bad divorce,
06:49you mustn't keep yourself confined to the house.
06:52I rather like being alone, actually.
06:53You must get about, Emmett, and meet people.
06:56And you'll meet only the best people
06:58at my little candlelight suppers.
07:00I'd be there in a minute
07:01if it wasn't for the fact that...
07:03Good.
07:03That's settled, then.
07:05Dress informal.
07:06Lounge suit, not tie, of course.
07:09I've got a wonderful feeling
07:12everything's going my way.
07:27Whatever's the matter?
07:29She's been singing at me, Liz.
07:31I told you she would.
07:32Oh, is that all?
07:34No, it is not all.
07:37We're invited to a candlelight supper tonight.
07:40Well, that was inevitable.
07:42There comes to us all in this area
07:44not only the certainty of death and taxes,
07:47but periodically one of Hyacinth's candlelight suppers.
07:51You just have to grin and bear it.
08:01Don't grunt when you polish, Richard.
08:05I can hear you breathing, dear.
08:07I don't think it's quite nice to hear people breathing.
08:11You'd think by now
08:12evolution would have replaced
08:13our unfortunate bodily functions
08:15with something a little more tasteful.
08:16I suppose it was perfectly adequate
08:19for primitive peoples, but really...
08:21Well, we are merely mammals, after all.
08:25Richard!
08:26What a thing to say to somebody
08:28with a solid silver self-cleaning sauce separator.
08:34Now, I know that this evening
08:35is going to be another huge success.
08:39I shall use my Royal Worcester
08:41double-glazed Avignon, of course.
08:43I used it the last time,
08:44but nobody noticed.
08:46This time, Richard,
08:48you will wait for a lapse in the conversation
08:50and then you will introduce
08:51the topic casually.
08:52What topic?
08:54That we're all dining
08:55from my Royal Worcester
08:56double-glazed Avignon.
08:57I particularly want Emmett
08:59to appreciate it.
09:00Well, Emmett's just recovering
09:01from a messy divorce.
09:03Do you really think he'd be overwhelmed
09:04by your Royal Worcester
09:05double-glazed Avignon?
09:06He'd find it a great comfort
09:07to realise that he's
09:08in civilised surroundings, dear.
09:13Oh, that's nice.
09:14Very nice, dear.
09:17Just wipe your finger marks
09:19off that, will you?
09:24Why me?
09:25Why should I have to go
09:26to her candlelight supper?
09:28I've suffered enough lately.
09:30Oh, Emmett.
09:32Emmett, it's no worse
09:33than a bad dream.
09:34Couple of hours
09:35and it's all over.
09:36A couple of hours?
09:37And there'll be other people
09:39equally stunned.
09:42You might meet someone you like.
09:44Well, what's the use
09:45if she's going to be singing at me?
09:47Well, stick with Richard.
09:48Richard's nice.
09:48How does he live with her?
09:51I've often wondered about that.
09:53I expect he's used to it.
09:54I think that's awful.
09:57That any poor devil
09:58should be used to it.
10:07Oh, there you are.
10:09I think your little doggy
10:11dropped something here yesterday.
10:12From his collar?
10:14He still has his disc.
10:15Not his collar, no.
10:17I'm sure it's yours
10:19and I'd like to return it to you.
10:20That's very kind of you.
10:21I can't imagine what.
10:22Come along.
10:25I'll show you.
10:30Oh.
11:10Well, are we going to tidy up?
11:12Ask Onslow.
11:15He's master of the house.
11:16Onslow,
11:18Mr. Helliwell's coming.
11:19Don't you think we ought to tidy up?
11:22Given the transience of life,
11:24biology's awesome potential
11:26for instability
11:27and the possible meaninglessness
11:29of the entire universe,
11:31don't you think it's worth a bother?
11:35I'm with Onslow.
11:42Come along in, Elizabeth.
11:44Thank you, Hyacinth.
11:46Wipe your feet, dear.
11:51You really shouldn't have bothered
11:52to invite me for a coffee, Hyacinth,
11:54when you're so busy.
11:55Oh, I have everything under control, dear.
11:59A well-regulated household
12:00ought to be able to find time
12:02to make a cup of coffee
12:03for a neighbour.
12:04However glittering the occasion,
12:06the sea.
12:06Do sit down, Elizabeth.
12:09No, not there, dear.
12:10I like to face the window.
12:14Perhaps Emmett would like
12:15to pop in for a coffee.
12:16Oh, no thank you, Hyacinth.
12:18I think he's busy.
12:19Oh, well, that's nice.
12:21Keep his mind off his divorce.
12:23He mustn't feel that he's alone.
12:25I don't think he does, Hyacinth.
12:27Not since he met you.
12:29How very kind.
12:31Now,
12:33will you have my better china, Elizabeth,
12:36if you promise to be careful?
12:38Or a beaker?
12:46Beaker, Hyacinth.
12:47Definitely a beaker.
12:49I think perhaps that's wise,
12:51don't you?
12:53Who else is coming this evening?
12:55Anyone I know?
12:56Hmm?
12:57Your sister, Violet, perhaps?
13:02The one with the swimming pool?
13:04Well, no, actually.
13:05Oh, sorry to hear that.
13:07Well, it can't be helped, you know.
13:10Bruce isn't at all well.
13:12Nothing serious, I hope.
13:14Well, I think he could just do
13:16with a change.
13:20That's probably the telephone.
13:22Richard will take it.
13:29It might be Sheridan.
13:31He loves to ring me
13:32and tell me about his new friends.
13:34Milk?
13:36No, thank you.
13:38He's made some very, very nice new friends.
13:40Sugar?
13:41No, thank you, Hyacinth.
13:44Nice friends are so important, aren't they?
13:46Biscuits.
13:50And I don't mean the hearty sporting crowd, either.
13:54All Sheridan's friends are very artistic.
13:57Hello, Liz.
13:59Telephone, Hyacinth, your sister, Violet, again.
14:01Oh, Violet, yes.
14:03The one with the swimming pool
14:04and room for a poli.
14:06Well, perhaps Bruce is coming after all.
14:08He is not.
14:11What is it now, Violet?
14:14No, I haven't a girdle that might fit Bruce.
14:19No, I don't think it's at all.
14:25Look, I resent the idea
14:27that I'm the only one you know
14:29who has a girdle.
14:30I will not pass my discontinued girdles on to Bruce.
14:35Well, if he's suddenly ashamed of his tummy,
14:37why doesn't he lose weight?
14:39Oh, why do you pamper him, Violet?
14:43I mean, apart from the money and the Mercedes.
14:50I'm slow.
14:51Yo.
14:58Do you think the universe is meaningless?
15:01I must say, I was inclined towards that theory
15:04when I saw you wearing that see-through nightie over a vest.
15:08But what about love?
15:11Not right nowadays.
15:12I'm busy.
15:16Don't you think it's important?
15:18Don't you think it gives life a sort of meaning?
15:22I assume you're not just talking about sex.
15:25I'm not.
15:26I'm not talking about sex.
15:28I'm talking about companionship, affection.
15:32For both of which, it's okay to wear a vest.
15:37Mind you, sex would be nice.
15:41They're off.
15:49Well, if you won't do it, somebody's got to.
15:56Oh, I don't know, though.
16:02I'll tell Mr. Halliwell to pick me up at our hyacinths.
16:06You can't just go swanning round to our hyacinths.
16:08We're sisters, aren't we?
16:10You don't like it.
16:11I thought you were seeing Boris tonight.
16:13Oh, Boris can wait.
16:15That's what I'll do.
16:17I'll get picked up at our hyacinths.
16:19Now, no peeping.
16:21Not until I tell you.
16:23Whoops.
16:23Mind the furniture, dear.
16:26Now, open them now.
16:30Look, the table, dear.
16:32Oh, the table.
16:33Yes, how does it look?
16:34Oh, it looks very nice, hyacinths.
16:36Very nice.
16:37Is that it?
16:38I mean, is that the extent of your enthusiasm?
16:40Well, it looks quite exceptionally nice.
16:43Oh, Richard, I spend hours on the aesthetics of my table.
16:48I want people to walk through this door and stagger back in admiration.
16:52Well, I had a little stagger, Hyacinths.
16:54You may not have noticed it.
16:55It was there.
16:56Richard, I try to use you to gauge other people's response as they walk through that door.
17:02And if they don't do better than you, then I've wasted the afternoon.
17:06It's times like these, I miss Sheridan.
17:08I'll come in again.
17:10I've got a reputation to maintain, you see, dear.
17:13I mean, I'm known far and wide for the tasteful accessories of my table.
17:18I wasn't looking properly last time, but this time I know exactly what you want.
17:22All right, do your best, dear.
17:28A home.
17:34Oh, never mind.
17:35I'll get Elizabeth.
17:36She knows how to appreciate a table.
17:38Well, just be careful of my paint work, dear.
17:42Yes, yes, of course, I'll come round, Hyacinth.
17:44Yes.
17:45You want to check my reaction.
17:48Like we did last time.
17:49And the time before.
17:51And the one before that.
17:53No, no, no.
17:54It's very kind of you to value my opinion.
17:58What was that about?
17:59I've got to pop round and look at Hyacinth's table.
18:02Why do you have to go and look at Hyacinth's table?
18:04Well, she wants to check my reaction.
18:06She's been working all day on her table.
18:08Why didn't you go and tell her to...
18:09Hyacinth's table.
18:11It's easier this way.
18:14Hyacinth, how does this look?
18:19Oh, Hyacinth.
18:24Oh, dear.
18:27Oh, damn.
18:30I'll just pop round to the...
18:32She's in the dining room waiting.
18:34I'll do my best.
18:35Liz, might I suggest a little stagger?
18:39Stagger?
18:40Backwards.
18:41A little stagger backwards?
18:44No, trust me.
18:53Oh, Hyacinth!
18:59No, Boris.
19:02I'm not going out with you this evening.
19:04No, Boris.
19:05You needn't bother coming round either.
19:07I shan't be here.
19:11There was a time
19:13when we used to sit on this tea together
19:16and you used to nibble my ear.
19:21Now all you ever nibble is crisps.
19:24No, Boris.
19:26Weren't too many flavours in those days.
19:29I think you must know, Boris.
19:31I'm going out with a Mr. Helliwell.
19:35And I don't care for language like that
19:38when I'm wearing my best earrings.
19:41Be honest.
19:43Some of the fire's definitely gone out of our relationship.
19:48It's not the impersonal days.
19:51It's just women get older quicker.
19:56I know it's not fair,
19:57but the fact remains
19:58that us men stay attractive longer.
20:03because he treats me like a lady.
20:06I've never known him take a liberty
20:08without removing his hat.
20:11No, Boris,
20:12it's no good you coming round here.
20:14I shan't be here.
20:19I do hope that's not another cancellation.
20:22You'd think people didn't want to come
20:23to my candlelight suffers.
20:26Hey, Boris...
20:28Yes, I'll accept the charge.
20:33Sheridan, you remembered.
20:36How sweet of you to ring
20:38and wish Mummy every success
20:39for her social entertaining.
20:42What does he want?
20:44I don't know that he wants anything, dear.
20:47He's just ringing his mummy
20:48to wish her all the best,
20:49but...
20:51You need to check for how much, dear?
20:55£70.
20:57Now, you're not spending it on girls, are you, dear?
20:59You promised Mummy.
21:01We agreed not until after
21:03you'd finished your education.
21:06Oh, you and Tarquin
21:07aren't interested in girls.
21:11What a comfort that is
21:12to a mother's heart, dear.
21:16Oh, yes, of course, dear.
21:17You run along and help Tarquin
21:19finish the ironing.
21:21And Daddy'll pop the cheque
21:23into the post.
21:24Goodbye, Liz.
21:26Must we go now, Liz?
21:28Couldn't we delay it a bit?
21:29She said to come early.
21:30It's not a royal command.
21:32You want a bit?
21:33I find the easiest way
21:35is to go along with things
21:36and get them over quickly.
21:37Come on.
21:38She'll sing at me.
21:40She'll be entertaining.
21:41How can she sing at you?
21:43She'll find a way.
21:44I know she will.
21:46She'll sing at me.
21:48I want Emmett
21:50to have a little taste
21:51of my musical talents.
21:54You will bring them in here
21:56where I shall be discovered
21:57at the Piano Forte.
21:59Now, I'm relying on you, Richard,
22:00to listen for the bell.
22:02I'll listen, Hyacinth,
22:03with every nerve a quiver.
22:04Good.
22:06And don't forget the ice.
22:08Oh, the ice.
22:09The ice.
22:21There's the bell.
22:27for tonight
22:29Let me dream of my dream of delight.
22:34Tra-la-la.
22:35Tra-la-la-la-la.
22:36La-la-la-la.
22:38La-la-la-la.
22:39And purchase of sorrow.
22:43A moment's respite.
22:45Ooh.
22:47What is it, Richard?
22:48Someone at the door, dear.
22:49Well, show them in.
22:52Well, it's your sister, Rose.
22:53Oops.
22:56Hello, Hyacinth.
22:57Rose, dear, how nice to see you.
22:59Richard, the ice, dear.
23:02I'm not stopping.
23:03I'm just being picked up here
23:04by Mr. Helliwell.
23:07Come on.
23:11Richard!
23:12Our guests have arrived.
23:17Are you expecting company?
23:18Oh, it's just Elizabeth from next door
23:20and her brother, Emmett.
23:22Oh, I didn't know she had a brother.
23:24Yes, he's recovering from rather bad divorce.
23:27Oh, divorced, is he?
23:29Hello, Hyacinth.
23:31Oh, I, um...
23:33Oh, I can see he's suffered.
23:35Some women can be bitches.
23:40Richard?
23:41Yes?
23:41Have you crushed the ice, dear?
23:42Well, not women.
23:43Well, hurry up, dear.
23:45We'll need it for our frappy mint julep.
23:57Richard?
23:58Answer that, will you?
24:03Are you, Eliwell?
24:04What's it to you?
24:05Rose is my bird.
24:07That's a matter of opinion.
24:09Rose?
24:10Rose belongs to me!
24:13Where is she?
24:15Rose, tell him I'm not.
24:16It's for Rose.
24:18Rose, come out here.
24:20Get rid of them, Richard.
24:21Well, I'm not going out there.
24:22You've seen the size of them.
24:23Oh, it's just muscle.
24:24They must leave at once.
24:25Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.
24:27I've gone off both of them anyway.
24:28I'm going to stay here and have a bit of supper with Emmy from next door.
24:31Mr Hawksworth is recovering from a painful divorce, Rose.
24:35Needs all the help he can get then, doesn't he?
24:38Excuse me, Richard.
24:40Come on, come on.
24:41Tell him, Rose.
24:42Tell him what?
24:43That you're with me.
24:44Is everything all right, Hyacinth?
24:46Oh, yes.
24:47Everything's fine, yes.
24:50Fresh and air much drink, will you, Richard?
24:52I haven't had one yet.
24:54What did he say?
24:55He said he hasn't had one yet.
24:57Oh, that's good.
24:58Yes.
24:59Elizabeth, how's your daughter doing the custodian?
25:02Quite well, thank you.
25:05Did you hear that?
25:06I expect everybody had.
25:08Everybody had.
25:10Well, don't shout, dear.
25:11I'm so glad she used to...
25:12Take that!
25:16It'll be so nice for Sheridan to have somebody intelligent to talk to when he comes home.
25:24You know, I can't believe I feel a song coming on.
25:27A song.
25:29Emmys, you'll understand, won't you, dear?
25:31That when the mood dictates, what would one do but just answer the heart and sing?
25:38Sing, sing, sing.
25:42Oh, no.
25:43I'm not taking that in yet.
25:45Rose, I'll drink the land, thou shalt feel my heart.
25:49I think I will have that drink now, Richard.
25:52I'll drink the world and fight for my fear.
25:58I'll drink the world and fight for my time.
26:06I'll drink the world and fight for my time.
26:09I'll drink the world and fight for my time.
26:25Hello, welcome to England.
26:28Hello, welcome to England.
26:32Hello, welcome to England.
26:35Hello, welcome to England.
26:38Hello, welcome to England.
26:40It's much more than fish and chips.
26:42We've got chicks with a tits and a big filled lips.
26:44Ballied up kids and a RS6.
26:45Big two fiddies, small fiddies with a kick.
26:47Guys with more grips, little creep in your crib.
26:49I smell bacon, I smell pigs.
26:50Take the cash down, get into the whip.
26:52Leeds road racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton.
26:54Weed rolls amazing, crops young, babbling them.
26:56Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them.
26:58Fuck the West, Yorkshire, police, yeah, it's banning them.