- 12 hours ago
Hyacinth has asked the new vicar to tea and, in her usual meticulous way, she has organised the event down to the last sugar lump. Events take a sudden turn.
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00:03Hello? Is that the Wholesome Bakery? Now, tell me, and I shall know if you're lying, are your fresh cream
00:11cakes really fresh? There's no need to take that attitude. This is a serious customer inquiry. My name is Bouquet.
00:20B-U-C-K-E-T.
00:23No, it's not Bucket, it's Bouquet. I wish to place a large order, a very important order. I have the
00:32new vicar calling this afternoon for tea and light refreshments, so how soon can you deliver?
00:37Yes, I know it's Saturday, and I'm very happy that you're busy. I can understand that you don't deliver just
00:45anywhere, but as I say, I do have the new vicar coming for tea and light refreshments,
00:49and I want six fresh cream cakes. That is a large order. Hello? Hello? Hoi polloi.
01:15I wish you wouldn't raise your arms like that, Richard. Not when you're overheated. It's very common out of doors.
01:22It's warm work, Harrison. If you have to perspire, I wish you'd go into the back garden, so you have
01:28to disturb people who respect us socially.
01:31I didn't invent the human cooling system. We mustn't abuse it, must we, dear?
01:40Why are my roses not as big as those next door? Maybe they're a different variety.
01:48I don't like our roses not being as big as those next door. Are you neglecting them, Richard?
01:54I wanted the vicar to be greeted by a blaze of petal glory.
01:58This type only grows to this size, Harrison.
02:02I'm sure if you tried harder. I keep thinking you're out here growing these huge roses, and all the time
02:08I suppose you're gossiping with passers-by.
02:11It's funny you should say that. Do you know who passed by earlier this morning?
02:14My goodness, is that a dead leaf?
02:18Why are you collecting old dead leaves, Richard?
02:21I'm going to corner the market. Entire world market. They're going to be begging me for old dead leaves.
02:28Hmm?
02:36Good morning, Elizabeth.
02:38Good morning, Harrison.
02:40Do come in, and we'll have a little rehearsal for this afternoon.
02:43Rehearsal?
02:45Well, surely you haven't forgotten you're having tea with the new vicar.
02:48And light refreshments?
02:50Oh, yes, the light refreshments.
02:53We've had them before. Do we need a rehearsal?
02:55I never like leaving things to chance.
02:59It's the mark of the thoughtful hostess.
03:01Oh!
03:13Do sit down, Elizabeth.
03:17No, not there, dear. I like to face the window.
03:21Oh, dear.
03:24I'm really rather busy, Hyacinth.
03:27Oh, that's nice, dear.
03:29Now, with regard to what to wear, I think one of us should look attractive in something tasteful and summery
03:36floral.
03:37What will you wear?
03:40I'm rather expecting you to tell me.
03:43Oh, I wouldn't dream of interfering.
03:46But just remember the important thing is not to clash with my summer floral.
03:52Since we live next door to each other, the least we can do is coordinate.
03:56Well, I'll probably wear my tan two-piece.
03:59Oh, I see.
04:01My tan two-piece.
04:03I think something a little more chic, dear, don't you?
04:06Well, all right then. My green print dress.
04:09Isn't that a little revealing?
04:11Revealing?
04:13Elbows, possibly, but that's about all.
04:15Yes, I know, dear, but are we quite sure where the new vicar stands with regard to naked elbows?
04:21I don't think mine will drive him wild.
04:24Oh, excuse me.
04:25That's probably the wholesome bakery ringing to apologise.
04:30What's wrong with my tan two-piece?
04:33The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
04:37Oh, it's you, Rose.
04:39It's my sister, Rose, Elizabeth.
04:42She's inclined to be talkative and excitable, so do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
04:46And mind the crumbs.
04:50What is it now, Rose?
04:53Rose, you will not commit suicide, I forbid it.
04:57No one in this family has ever committed suicide, and I'm sure we're not going to start on the day
05:02I'm having the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
05:05I don't care what your romantic entanglements are.
05:09You cannot have dear dead mummy's wedding dress.
05:12Especially to be buried in.
05:14I can't live without Mr Hepperwaite.
05:17Will you keep it down, Rose?
05:20I can't live without Mr Hepperwaite.
05:22Not since the tragedy.
05:25Well, it's what happens to all men in the end.
05:27He's gone back to his wife.
05:30I have to die.
05:32I threatened him, I would.
05:34What do you fancy in the three o'clock?
05:36Rainbow lady.
05:38I want to be buried in mummy's wedding dress.
05:43You've got a bloody cheek being buried in white.
05:48I don't see why you should have the dress anyway.
05:51She was my mother too.
05:53The least you can do is have a little sympathy for your sister when she's determined to die.
05:58Have you seen my library book?
05:59You look where it usually is.
06:02Under the settee.
06:06No, Hyacinth.
06:08Not the wedding dress.
06:10Our Daisy's library book.
06:11Who's Mr Hepperwaite?
06:13She met him last week.
06:15Oh, he's lasted nearly a week then.
06:18Thought it was the real thing this time.
06:21And what does Boris think?
06:23Oh, she doesn't tell Boris.
06:26What's the point in hurting Boris?
06:28Oh!
06:30She's very thoughtful you're, Rose.
06:33She's got a good heart.
06:35Pity she hasn't got her head too much.
06:51Dear, good morning!
06:57It's a lovely day, isn't it?
06:59Mind you, I shan't see much of it.
07:01Did I tell you I was having the new vicar today for tea and light refreshments?
07:05Say it for all times.
07:08She's plainly seething with envy.
07:11Morning.
07:12Richard, I will not have your waving and dirty gardening gloves.
07:17They get dirty when you're gardening, Harrison.
07:20Can't you keep one pair for gardening and one pair for waving?
07:25I've been standing in that doorway for two minutes trying to attract your attention.
07:29I was working.
07:30Well, you've no right to be working when I'm hissing at you.
07:33I've got Rose on the telephone.
07:35She's going to...
07:39Not again.
07:40Who is it this time?
07:42I think she said a Mr. Hepplewhite.
07:44Oh, well, that's all right then.
07:45Nobody ever committed suicide for somebody called Hepplewhite.
07:47Will you keep your voice down, Richard?
07:51I've got Elizabeth in the kitchen.
07:52I don't want her overhearing family scandal.
07:55I want you to go inside, Richard, and engage Elizabeth in conversation.
07:59I don't want her listening while I'm trying to calm Rose down.
08:06I'm not into gardening shoes, Richard.
08:09Go round the back.
08:19Yes, of course I'm here, Rose.
08:21I've been here all the time, dear.
08:23Now, pull yourself together, Rose.
08:25What can possibly happen once a week on Wednesdays
08:28to make Mr. Hepplewhite so necessary to you?
08:33What?
08:36Richard?
08:38Are you talking to Elizabeth?
08:39Yeah, I'm talking, I'm talking.
08:42Rose, I know I asked the question,
08:45but I'm not standing here surrounded by expensive wallpaper
08:48to be given details like that.
08:51It's not an excessive year for Greenfly.
08:59I like something, anyway.
09:01They are there, but not in excess.
09:05Oh, that was Rose.
09:07She turns to me for advice, all the family do.
09:10Ring high since they say she'll know.
09:12It gets very wearing.
09:13Thank you, dear.
09:16Anything wrong?
09:17Wrong? No, no.
09:19Why should there be anything wrong?
09:20No, it's just sister talk.
09:22I like weekly reports on Daddy's condition.
09:24How is your father?
09:26Oh, tragic.
09:28A brilliant IQ struggling with senility.
09:31Because I'd love to have him here,
09:33but he drops food everywhere.
09:36Now, Richard, don't just sit there, dear.
09:39Wash your hands, change your shoes,
09:40and then I want you to go to the wholesome bakery
09:43where you will speak to the manager about their delivery policy.
09:51And then you will return here with six superior fresh cream cakes.
09:59What about their delivery policy?
10:02Inept.
10:03Point to the folly of their not understanding customers of our social status.
10:07Be scathing, Richard.
10:09Crush them.
10:20I should have wear a suit or something casual.
10:23Casual might give the wrong impression, dear.
10:25Oh, it is Saturday.
10:27Exactly. Nearly Sunday.
10:29The new vicar probably has half his mind already
10:32on tomorrow's religious duties.
10:35In which case, Richard,
10:36it seems hardly fitting for you to come slinking in dressed for frivolity.
10:41Frivolity?
10:42Thirty years married, I can't remember a single frivol.
10:47Hmm?
10:48Wear a suit, dear.
10:51And answer that, will you?
10:58It's for you. It's Elizabeth.
11:01From next door?
11:05Get something on.
11:07You shouldn't be answering the phone to ladies in that condition.
11:13Yes, certainly I'll give you the benefit of my opinion.
11:26Oh, yes, I like that. I've always liked that.
11:29You haven't had it all that long.
11:31It's very suitable, dear.
11:34You'll blend beautifully into the background.
11:39Uh, this suit?
11:41Good grief, Richard.
11:43Why do you always ask me?
11:44I don't determine what people wear.
11:48Do I take it? That's a yes.
11:51Can't you find a more religious tie?
11:59You look very nice, Elizabeth.
12:00Thank you, Richard.
12:02Thank you, Richard.
12:03You too.
12:03Very smart.
12:05Casual would have been nice.
12:07Richard?
12:09Duty calls?
12:11Frequently.
12:31Yeah?
12:32Buy something, sir, from a gypsy woman and be lucky.
12:35You be lucky.
12:36How about buying from me?
12:38I bet your old man's got a lot more in his back pocket than I have.
12:42I could let him have that tall wreck in the garden.
12:47Not there.
12:47I mean the car.
12:49Buy something from the gypsy, missus, and be lucky.
12:52I don't know whether I've got any change.
12:54She hasn't.
12:55I'm able to tell you that because A, I'm psychic,
12:57and B, I'm the one that goes through her pockets.
13:01It's bad luck not to buy something.
13:05What are you selling, anyway?
13:06Ribbons and lucky charms.
13:08Just what I've always wanted.
13:11Has she got any love potions or open raisers?
13:15What are your fortune, lady?
13:17She knows her fortune.
13:18She's been moaning about it all day.
13:20Oh, will you get out of the doorway on slow and let the gypsy in?
13:24Where's she going?
13:25I'm not standing out here having my fortune told.
13:29You're very fussy for someone who's about to commit suicide.
13:32I can see you're troubled in love.
13:36Right.
13:37Makes you wonder how they do it.
13:40It's bad luck not to buy something from a gypsy.
13:44Bad luck?
13:46When we live like this, how can you be scared of bad luck?
13:50Now, I think when they come, I'll sit you there, Elizabeth.
13:57I'll have the vicar here next to me, of course.
14:01And we'll leave that one for the vicar's wife.
14:04And Richard will sit next to her.
14:07Right?
14:09Oh, sorry, vicar.
14:12Now, topics of conversation.
14:15Must keep everything wholesome.
14:17Nothing controversial.
14:19Richard, I think I'd have our holiday snaps at the ready.
14:21And when they begin to pall, I shall regale the vicar with tales of Sheridan's academic prowess.
14:28I hope that's not a cancellation.
14:30He may have been called away for a funeral.
14:34How inconsiderate of people to die at the weekend.
14:38The Bucay residence, the lady of the house, speak.
14:41No, you cannot have three of 22 and a portion of 19-week chips.
14:45Yes, this is not the Chinese takeaway.
14:47This is a private slimline pearl white telephone with no oriental associations whatsoever.
14:54I was at Middleton.
14:57Wrong number.
14:58The Chinese takeaway again.
15:00We ought to change our number.
15:02I will not change our number.
15:05I've written to British Telecom insisting that they change the Chinese number.
15:09I've told them I won't stand here listening to people breathing soya sauce down the telephone.
15:16I think I heard a car.
15:18Hmm?
15:20Oh, no.
15:26You tell her.
15:28Me? Tell her I, Synth.
15:30There's only two things wrong with that.
15:32One, she never listens to anybody.
15:34And two, she certainly never listens to me.
15:37That means I'll have to tell her.
15:40She's your sister.
15:42She'll go mad.
15:43That could be an improvement.
15:48They're coming in.
15:50Of course they're coming in.
15:51I want you to get that car away from this property.
15:54I want them and it out of the avenue.
15:57I just can't send them away.
15:58I want them out of the way before the vicar comes.
16:02Hi, Synth. Isn't that your doorbell?
16:04Oh, it does that sometimes.
16:08It's part of a very expensive test system.
16:12You'll have to see them, Hyacinth.
16:14They can have two minutes on the doorstep.
16:19Daisy, what a surprise.
16:22How nice of you to call on the way to town.
16:24Let me walk into the car.
16:24We're not going to town.
16:26I'm not going to town on such a pleasant Saturday.
16:29Of course I'd love you to stay, but I'm expecting the new vicar for tea and light refreshments.
16:33You should have telephoned.
16:34We tried to telephone, but you're engaged.
16:36I was dealing with a wrong number.
16:38Some damn fool thinks I'm a Chinese restaurant.
16:41Tell her.
16:43Tell me what.
16:45It's Dad.
16:46Daddy.
16:48What's wrong with Daddy?
16:49Not a lot, apparently.
16:51Be quiet, Onslow.
16:53Tell me what's wrong with Daddy.
16:55He's missing.
16:57Missing? Of course he's not missing.
16:59I expect he's just mislaid.
17:01He's run off with a gypsy.
17:03Keep your voice down.
17:06How could he have run off with a gypsy?
17:08Well, on his bike, for starters.
17:10We had a gypsy at the house.
17:12She was selling Rose her fortune.
17:15When she left, Dad must have followed her.
17:18Daddy with a golden earring.
17:21That's unthinkable.
17:23Should we call the police?
17:24No. No police.
17:26We don't need any scandal.
17:28You must go and find him.
17:29What's going on, Hyacinth?
17:31Richard will go with you.
17:34It's Daddy.
17:35He's been kidnapped by gypsies.
17:38Now, watch for Daddy's assistance.
17:43I thought, traditionally, they only kidnapped children.
17:46Bring Daddy back to me, Richard.
17:50As far as daisies, anyway.
18:12What is it, Hyacinth?
18:13It's Daddy.
18:14He's been kidnapped by gypsies.
18:16Oh, of course.
18:17We must ring the police.
18:19No.
18:20No police.
18:21We can't.
18:23Daisy's wearing a slipper.
18:24So Onslow's got bare arms.
18:28Why would the gypsies kidnap your father, hmm?
18:33I expect for ransom.
18:35They'll be after my very expensive Royal Dalton china with the hand-painted periwinkles.
18:46Why would he run away with a gypsy?
18:49Let's put it this way.
18:51Just hope you catch him before he gets married.
18:53I thought he was in bed.
18:55I could hear his telling.
18:57I mean, how are you supposed to anticipate your own father sneaking out under the cover of television in pursuit
19:03of a gypsy?
19:04Has he always fancied the Roman-y life?
19:07He never said.
19:10We're running dry.
19:11Got any petal money?
19:13I didn't bring the purse.
19:16Down to you, Dickie.
19:17I've changed my clothes.
19:19I've left all my money at home.
19:21Now, I want you to sit here, vicar.
19:26I've had many a religious inspiration on that sofa.
19:33And if your charming wife would like to sit here, where she'll be within easy reach of my tasty homemade
19:38canopies.
19:40It's very kind of you to invite us, Mrs Bucket.
19:42It's bouquet, vicar.
19:44Oh, I'm sorry.
19:46It's of French origin.
19:49I believe my husband's family in the distant past were Huguenics or something.
19:55Not that there's any French blood in him now, of course.
19:58No, you may rest assured, vicar, you're quite safe.
20:01There are no French habits here.
20:07Elizabeth, if you could pass round my royal doolton with the hand-painted periwinkles.
20:12Must I, Hyacinth? I'm terrified of dropping one.
20:15It is lovely china, Mrs Bucket.
20:17Bouquet.
20:19It is something of a family heirloom.
20:25Look, I think it really would be better, Hyacinth, if we all helped ourselves.
20:28Yes, we can do that.
20:29Yes, jolly good idea.
20:31I did have in mind something rather more orderly.
20:39If the assembled company would please excuse me.
20:43Something's just come up.
20:57What are you doing back here? Why did you bring them back here?
21:00I want some petrol money. It's in my other suit.
21:03Get them out of sight.
21:04As soon as I get the money.
21:13Why don't you get in the car, Onslow?
21:16I'm sure it's going to rain.
21:18Yes, there it is. I can feel it now. Rain.
21:21I can feel a thing.
21:23Any minute now. There it is. Rain.
21:28If we can't find Dad, we'll have to ring the police.
21:32I will not have this family involved with the police.
21:35Hey, they're all right. We need to get to know them.
21:36I don't want that.
21:39I don't want that.
21:43Isn't that our Rose?
21:46Oh, my God.
21:51What are you doing in black?
21:54I'm in mourning.
21:56Who for?
21:57For me. Nobody else will.
22:01Mr. Heberwhite doesn't care.
22:03Rose, what are you doing here?
22:05I've come for Mummy's wedding dress.
22:07I've told you, you can't have...
22:08It won't fit you, anyway.
22:10It'll do to be buried in.
22:13You can't go from there. The vicar's in there.
22:15Oh, great. He can read me the burial service.
22:18Oh, no.
22:22Do you see the mission?
22:24It's somebody she's very close to.
22:29You can't just burst in. They're having tea and light refreshments.
22:32You can't begrudge a person a vicar when they're on the brink of the grave.
22:36You're not on the brink, Rose. You've hardly set foot in the cemetery.
22:40Have you any idea of the love I bear for Mr. Heberwhite?
22:43You're dropping petals on my lacquered wood block.
22:47This is the last time I shall inconvenience you.
22:50Don't try and stop me.
22:52It's cruel to ask me to live with a broken heart.
22:55Roach!
22:58He's very young.
22:59You never said he was young.
23:02It's very wicked of you, Hyacinth.
23:04Keeping him all to yourself.
23:06Rose!
23:11The McKay residence, the lady of the house speak.
23:15Oh, Sheridan, how wonderful to hear your voice, dear.
23:18What a close psychic bond between you and I.
23:22Fifty pounds?
23:23Why do you need fifty pounds, dear?
23:26Why do you want curtain material?
23:29A flat? Whose flat?
23:32Sheridan, you're not moving in with some designing female.
23:36Oh, it's not a girl's flat, it's a boy's flat.
23:40And you're making your own curtains.
23:50Sorry, Dickie.
23:55You shouldn't be muttering things like that, Onslow.
23:58Not with a vicar in the vicinity.
24:01Well, by all means, send me a sample of his embroidery.
24:05It's a lifeline finding someone you can confide in.
24:08What a pity you don't do confession.
24:10Rose!
24:11Rose!
24:12Rose, where are you going with the vicar?
24:14I'm sure she's not going to you.
24:18She doesn't need a shoulder to cry on.
24:20She didn't look as though she was about to cry to me.
24:23She was doing everything but bite his neck.
24:25She's very emotional, dear.
24:28Think of it as a hormone imbalance.
24:30We do!
24:31We always think of it as a hormone imbalance!
24:34She's not very kind of the vicar.
24:36He may have saved my sister from a desperate act.
24:39Where's my husband?
24:41Which way did he go?
24:41Where's my husband?
24:48Really, I must stay.
24:49Oh, by the way, Dad's come back with a stack of ribbons and lucky charms.
24:53Where is he going?
24:54Where is she taking him?
24:55Where is he going?
24:56He's probably better off down there than listening to what Onslow's saying.
25:00Of all the bleep-
25:07Do feel free to pop in at any time, dear.
25:10There will always be a welcome for you at the bouquets.
25:15What a disaster to my tea and light refreshments.
25:20I could murder some light refreshments.
25:23If it wasn't for Sheridan's good news, I don't know what this day would have been.
25:27Good news from Sheridan?
25:28He's moved in with a very suitable friend.
25:31They're making their own curtains.
25:35Apparently his friend's very good with a needle.
25:37He has prizes for embroidery.
25:41Oh, you'd better have them and have some tea and light refreshments.
25:48Onslow, before you come in, just shift this wreck next door, will you?
25:54He's in-
26:02He's in-
26:06He's in-
26:09He's in-
26:13He's in-
26:14It's much more than fish and chips
26:16We've got chicks for the tits and the big filled lips
26:18Ballyed up kids and the RS6
26:19Big two fillies, four fillies with a kick
26:21Vives with more grips that'll creep in your crib
26:23I smell bacon, I smell pigs
26:24Take the cash down, get into the whip
26:26Leaves roll racing, I'm feeling like Hamilton
26:28Weegros amazing, Cropsey, I'm grabbing them
26:30Don't give a fuck in the truck and I'm ramming them
26:32Fuck the West Yorkshire police, yeah, they're standing up