- 12 hours ago
Hyacinth's visit to her favorite stately home goes wrong when her less-than-blue-blooded relatives tag along.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01Of course, I ought to visit Daddy.
00:04Oh, really?
00:06It's my duty to visit Daddy.
00:09I suppose it is.
00:11And have you ever known me, Shirk, my duty?
00:15Not a single Shirk.
00:18Life is full of responsibilities.
00:24It's not that I mind visiting Daddy.
00:27Of course not.
00:29It's just that he's surrounded by such impossible people.
00:34Well, they're your family, Higherset.
00:38There are black sheep in the best regulated families.
00:42LAUGHTER
01:06Are you ready for inspection, Richard?
01:09Hello, Liz. Yes.
01:11Hyacinth fancies are running the country.
01:14Don't suppose you'd like to make up a threesome?
01:16No.
01:17Thank you, but I'm going to be very busy.
01:20Very kind of you to ask.
01:22LAUGHTER
01:27Good morning, Elizabeth.
01:29Morning, Hyacinth.
01:30How relaxed and casual you look.
01:35I ought to be gardening too, but Richard insists on taking me on an outing.
01:39Somewhere in the country.
01:40Somewhere educational, naturally.
01:42Soak up a little culture.
01:44I feel I owe it to Sheridan.
01:45Well, have a nice time.
01:47There's plenty of room if you'd care to...
01:49No, thank you.
01:50I think I'd better wait here in case my husband telephones.
01:53It's nice when they telephone, isn't it?
01:56Richard always telephones me when he's away,
01:58and Sheridan rings me continually.
02:01Was I away?
02:03Have I ever been away?
02:04I don't remember the precise occasion, dear,
02:07but I do remember that you telephoned.
02:09Funny.
02:10If you'd have asked me,
02:11I'd have sworn I'd never been away.
02:13It feels like I've never been...
02:15LAUGHTER
02:22Very nice, Richard.
02:29Our regards to your husband when he rings from the Far East.
02:34Tell him we often ask after him.
02:36I will, Hyacinth.
02:39Things like, why doesn't he come home more?
02:44Is their marriage happy, do you think?
02:47Oh, good Lord, yes.
02:48He lives abroad most of the time.
02:50LAUGHTER
02:51Why doesn't he come home more often?
02:54I don't suppose it's formalising.
02:56It costs money.
02:58When he does come home,
02:59I do hope he won't be riddled with tropical ailments.
03:02For the first six months,
03:03we'll have to be very aware
03:05which glass he drinks from at my candlelight.
03:07LAUGHTER
03:11Drive very slowly past number 23.
03:14I wanted to see my hand.
03:23Now, we can go the Langley way
03:25or through Ridley.
03:27Which way would you like to go?
03:30I wish you wouldn't leave everything to me, Richard.
03:35All right, I'll take the B road
03:37and we'll go the Langley way.
03:41LAUGHTER
03:43I'd much rather we went the Ridley way.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:47On second thoughts, I think we'll go the Ridley way.
03:50I'll turn round in the garage.
03:56LAUGHTER
04:02You know, I really ought to visit Daddy first.
04:05Turn left for Daddy.
04:11On reflection, I think it'd be better
04:13to go and see Daddy on the way back.
04:15Going round.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:20LAUGHTER
04:20LAUGHTER
04:20LAUGHTER
04:23No, my conscience is pricking me.
04:26I must put Daddy first.
04:28LAUGHTER
04:28Left again.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34LAUGHTER
04:34On second thoughts,
04:36I think it'd be better
04:36to go to Carlton Hall first
04:38before it becomes too crowded.
04:40Second...
04:41..thought.
04:43LAUGHTER
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46LAUGHTER
04:47LAUGHTER
04:47LAUGHTER
04:47LAUGHTER
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51Anyway, I need time to prepare for Onslow.
04:54I can't stand the sight of Onslow
04:57lounging about, drinking beer in his undershirt.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02LAUGHTER
05:06Watch the cyclist.
05:07I'm watching the cyclist.
05:08I said my eyes are riveted to the cyclist.
05:12I'll be going too fast.
05:14This is a built-up area.
05:15I'm under the limit.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:18LAUGHTER
05:19Well, you went past number 23 too fast.
05:21LAUGHTER
05:22Far too fast.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24She had no opportunity to see my hat.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27And watch the lorry.
05:29Which lorry?
05:31LAUGHTER
05:31There you are, you see.
05:32You can't even see the lorry.
05:34Where is it?
05:35Parked over there.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:37Why should I watch a stationary lorry
05:40parked on the other side of a dual carriageway?
05:42LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44I don't think I like your tone, Richard.
05:47LAUGHTER
05:47Changing tone.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:51Stop!
05:53LAUGHTER
05:54Now, what's wrong?
05:55It's no good.
05:56I can't go blithely off into the country.
05:58I must visit Daddy.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:14I'd better not park outside the house
06:16and block the street.
06:17How could my sister marry Onslow?
06:20Presumably she loved him.
06:21Don't be ridiculous.
06:23How can you love an Onslow?
06:24He sings on coach trips.
06:26LAUGHTER
06:28I just pray I'm never seen here
06:30by people of our own social standing.
06:33LAUGHTER
06:46I hate keeping Daddy in this environment.
06:49Well, he was born.
06:50That's not the impression I care to cultivate.
06:53I expect people to assume
06:54that I was born into the candlelight supper class.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Don't you scream at me.
06:59I never touched your husband.
07:01I wouldn't touch him with a six-foot pole.
07:03I wish I could find a six-foot pole.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:07A sort of younger Lech Wilenska.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:10I can't help it if your husband throws himself at me.
07:14He was not encouraged.
07:16If he can't keep his hands off me,
07:18well, that's his problem.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:20Saw me with him doing what?
07:22Well, she's lying.
07:24I don't care what you found in his car.
07:26They're not mine.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28Oh!
07:29What?
07:31Oh!
07:32What's the matter?
07:32Are we on fire?
07:33I've just seen a car pull up.
07:35It's our Harrison.
07:36Oh, God.
07:37Well, near enough.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:40I'll have to go.
07:41I'll fight with you later.
07:43I wonder where I'd lost that pair.
07:46Help me tidy up!
07:49What's our Harrison doing here?
07:51Oh, I expect she's come to visit father.
07:53I wish she'd give us some notice.
07:55Like, about three months.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59Put the kettle on, Rose.
08:01Make a cup of tea.
08:02Is Onslow getting up?
08:03Oh, you know Onslow.
08:05Not unless it's World War III.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:09Uh...
08:10Oh.
08:16LAUGHTER
08:17LAUGHTER
08:38You've woken the dog.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:40Morning, Onslow.
08:42I've said good morning to him
08:43and I've just been savaged by his dog.
08:46Less noise, you daft bitch.
08:48And that goes for you as well, dog.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:55LAUGHTER
09:16Aren't you smoking too many, Rose?
09:18It helps keep your figure.
09:20It's amazing how many fellas she keeps it for.
09:22Shut your face, Onslow.
09:26Any more tea?
09:27Or more to the point?
09:28Any more beakers?
09:29You can have the rest of this.
09:31Ta.
09:34LAUGHTER
09:34LAUGHTER
09:37Well, how is Daddy?
09:39Daft as a brush.
09:40Why, Onslow?
09:42Well, he gets barmier.
09:43Does the dog live in the car?
09:45She likes the car.
09:47Yeah, so, have you...
09:48I'm talking about Daddy.
09:49Sorry.
09:50I wish he'd live in the car.
09:52LAUGHTER
09:54LAUGHTER
09:59Who's a lovely girl, then?
10:02She's more than can be said for your hire, Synth.
10:04Where did she get that at?
10:06The hat of...
10:07Striking, isn't it?
10:09I don't know how you cope.
10:10Day in and day out.
10:12Oh.
10:14Get used to it.
10:15That's terrifying.
10:17That's the most frightening thing I've ever heard.
10:19How long have you had the dog?
10:21Oh, she adopted us last week.
10:23I thought she'd sleep with us on the bed, but, er, she prefers the car.
10:27She's never had a dog, Dickie.
10:30No, Hyacinth can't do with the mess.
10:32You know, we ought to go out and have a drink sometime, you and me.
10:36What are you heading for today?
10:38The Hyacinth likes to visit these stately homes.
10:41We'll probably end up in Carden Hall.
10:43Carden Hall?
10:45That sounds really boring.
10:48Probably will be.
10:51Usually is.
11:01Right, where is the bitch?
11:04She's inside, love, upstairs.
11:06I'll kill her.
11:07I'll pluck her eyes out.
11:09Who is she?
11:11It's usually the wife of one of Rose's boyfriends.
11:18Who is she?
11:19Who are you?
11:20Never mind who I am.
11:22I'll put her in here to stop you out.
11:23Never mind who you are.
11:25You've come first.
11:26I've come first.
11:27Here's your boy.
11:28A drop more tea, Hyacinth.
11:30Tea?
11:30Haven't we better do something?
11:32There's a madwoman attacking Rose upstairs.
11:34Oh, no, Rose will be fine.
11:38She's very experienced.
11:40That seems to be the trouble.
11:43Poor Daddy lying sick in the next room, learning the sins of his youngest daughter at full volume.
11:49What does Daddy make of all these scenes?
11:51Oh, he never bothers, you know, Father.
11:54He's in a world of his own.
12:07By the way, before you go, do you mind if I try your hat?
12:16Onslow hates me in a hat.
12:19No.
12:19No, I tell a lie.
12:21Onslow would never notice me in a hat.
12:23He can hardly raise a grunt these days for your best efforts in bra and black stockings.
12:31Will Rose be all right?
12:33Rose will be fine.
12:35Rose can handle wives.
12:37There's only one thing she handles more often, and that's husbands.
12:45Onslow?
12:46There's somebody climbing down your drainpipe, dressed in a balaclava and a fancy cape.
12:52Are you being burgled?
12:53No, that's not a burglar.
12:55That's your father-in-law.
12:58Hyacinth Daddy?
13:00What's he doing?
13:01This week he's being Captain Midnight, Sword of Justice.
13:05Striking terror into the hearts of all evildoers.
13:09But is he any good at drainpipes?
13:13Not a lot.
13:15He's gone down the street.
13:17Hadn't we better get after him?
13:19Personally, I'm inclined not to bother.
13:21Really?
13:22He's only going to rescue her at the post office.
13:24What from?
13:25A fate worse than death, I think he said.
13:28At the hands of some totally hairless green people, fresh from outer space and desperate for a white woman.
13:35I don't think we should tell Hyacinth.
13:37I'll go along with that.
13:40But how will we get him back?
13:43We'll get a couple of customers to bring him back.
13:45Really?
13:45It's the post office.
13:47They deliver.
13:51You're quite right.
13:54It could do with a coat of paint.
13:58I'm going to have to get the decorators in.
14:04Can't Onslow decorate?
14:06My Onslow?
14:08Oh, no.
14:10He's more your big idle slob.
14:15Oh, we warned you, Daisy, when you married him.
14:18I know.
14:19You have to give him marks for consistency.
14:21Listen.
14:23I can't hear anything.
14:24That's just it.
14:24I can't hear them arguing anymore.
14:26It's gone quiet.
14:28Deathly quiet.
14:30I don't like it.
14:32I warned Rose that her way of life would one day lead to tragedy.
14:36Nobody can show that amount of leg and expect to be guided supernaturally.
14:43I can't even hear our Rose smoking.
14:48Oh, my goodness.
14:49You don't think...
14:52Rose isn't usually wild.
14:54What about that other woman?
15:06Men?
15:07They're all swines.
15:09It's us women that suffer.
15:11Shouldn't that be it's we women who suffer?
15:14We're making pay.
15:16Oh, I'd like that.
15:17It would be a pleasure.
15:20I'll have to go get his dinner on.
15:23Take care.
15:24And you, love.
15:27That Rose, she knows what suffering is.
15:35You're a swine to your wife, you miserable, no-good...
15:39How do I know you're a swine to your wife?
15:41I'll tell you how I know you're a swine to your wife,
15:43because she's just left here.
15:44Oh, I bet that's just made his date.
15:47Daisy!
15:48Daddy's not in his room.
15:50Has he gone?
15:51He shouldn't be out on his own.
15:52He won't be on his own.
15:53He'll be in the grip of a couple of customers.
15:55Hmm?
15:56Probably women.
15:58Considerate.
15:59I expect he's helping them both safely across a busy road.
16:03And you can take your illustrated erotic books back.
16:07No, you can spend money on me when your wife looks like she hasn't brought plastic change of market.
16:12No, thank you, Daisy.
16:12And I don't mean the black robber clothing section.
16:15This is not the kind of telephone conversation you should be overhearing.
16:20You weren't all that terrific anyway.
16:22Books are no books.
16:23With your build, you'd no chance of getting past page 22.
16:30Just let's go.
16:31I've had enough for one day.
16:33I've had enough days he married to Onslow,
16:35but to let him drink out of a beaker.
16:41And as for Rose,
16:42I suppose one ought to be grateful that at least she's misbehaving with someone literate.
16:49Well, you've done your duty.
16:51You've visited your father.
16:53I can't believe he tries to force himself on the post, mistress.
16:59At least you know he's fit.
17:00Hmm?
17:02No, I expected something quite simple.
17:07Probably the effort of licking his stamps sent the blood rushing to his tongue and he stumbled towards her.
17:13Poor Daddy.
17:21It's Dickie I feel sorry for.
17:23She's got eyes everywhere.
17:25I really believe our hyacinth can see through laminated surfaces to the grime underneath.
17:31I'm going to have to clean that kitchen.
17:33If we all get stuck in, we could soon clean that kitchen.
17:42Talk to yourself, Daisy.
17:44There's your father, being taken home now.
17:47Do you want to stop?
17:49No, it's too embarrassing.
18:01That's not the kind of behaviour one expects from Captain Midnight.
18:21Good afternoon.
18:2350p for the car park, please.
18:25Oh, can't be parking that little space nearer the house.
18:27Oh, that's reserved for the family, madam.
18:30I'm not saying I am family, but I have written to her ladyship from time to time for charitable purposes.
18:36I'm sure she'd remember my personal embossed writing paper, saffron with matching envelopes.
18:42You'll have to park in the public area, madam.
18:45It isn't as if we belong with the masses.
18:47I have a son at university.
18:49What's that, madam?
18:51My husband is an officer of a large local authority.
18:54I wish you wouldn't involve me, hyacinth.
18:56Enormous sums of money pass through his hands.
18:59I'd really rather just sit here in neutral.
19:01You'll have to park in the public area, madam.
19:04Well, I don't really...
19:05Hyacinth, it's not worth upsetting his lordship.
19:08Very well, dear.
19:12Drive on, Richard.
19:29Why do we always come to this room?
19:33Because it's near the family quarters, dear.
19:37One of these days I shall catch his lordship's eye, or better yet, her ladyship's,
19:42and I shall strike up an acquaintance.
19:45And then we'll see who can park in the little private area.
19:53I've never seen anyone through there yet.
19:57Do be patient, Richard, dear.
19:59The important thing to remember about the aristocracy is their impeccable manners.
20:04Once we've established eye contact, we're almost honour-bound to be invited to tea.
20:11It's not very likely, Hyacinth.
20:14Another thing is that the aristocracy always recognise quality.
20:19Why am I wearing this hat?
20:22Let these people pass, Richard.
20:24No, no, after you.
20:25No, it's all right.
20:27We're waiting for his lordship.
20:30Oh, I am sorry.
20:32I thought you were just visitors.
20:33I know.
20:34People keep making that mistake.
20:55I'm never going to believe this.
20:57How much you got, Rose?
20:59Twenty.
21:01Fifty p, please, sir.
21:02See if you can find us a bit of a slope to park on.
21:05Only this old bitch isn't too clever at starting again.
21:07I can believe that.
21:09Here.
21:10Have you had a well-polished car through here?
21:13Driver-looking shell-shocked.
21:14Woman with a big hat.
21:16She was murder.
21:18That's the one.
21:26We ought to move on a bit, Hyacinth.
21:29Do be patient, Richard.
21:31Absorb the picture.
21:33I've been absorbing it for ten minutes.
21:35Ten minutes?
21:36These works of art are painted to be enjoyed forever.
21:39It's beginning to feel like forever.
21:42We'll leave when I've had a glimpse of the family.
21:45What's the point?
21:46The point is to begin building up a relationship.
21:50That's the point.
21:52They don't know you from Adam.
21:55Like attracts.
21:56Like they'll recognize breeding when they see it.
22:02Isn't that a lovely picture?
22:04I'm trying to remember the last time I met her ladyship.
22:10When?
22:11When did you meet her?
22:12We met, of course, the first time when she opened the garden party.
22:16You were in the crowd, that's all.
22:19And she kept looking in my direction.
22:21I believe my deportment impressed her.
22:24I suppose the last time we were together
22:27must have been at that dinner
22:29after the gala performance of Swan Lake.
22:32She knows the family.
22:34They're friends of the family.
22:37Of course, her ladyship and I have worked together for charity.
22:42When was that?
22:43The garden party.
22:45And our families, her ladyship's and mine,
22:48are not without their links.
22:50My father, too, is no novice
22:52when it comes to carrying a sword.
22:56Are you up there, Vicky?
23:03I'm so...
23:13Did you tell him?
23:15Tell him what?
23:15You must have told him.
23:16Tell him what?
23:17Where we were going.
23:18And they'd mention something.
23:20You fancy doing that.
23:21You practically invited him.
23:24Isaac, he's here now.
23:26We just can't keep running.
23:29I will not be found on stately premises in the company of someone who drinks beer in his undershirt.
23:35Only when he can afford it.
23:38I don't think Hyacinth will welcome it when we do find her.
23:42What about that car park attendant?
23:44I rather like that car park attendant.
23:47I don't know why you want to spend the afternoon with Hyacinth.
23:51I don't want to spend the afternoon with your Hyacinth.
23:54It's your father who's senile, not me.
23:57We're here to rescue poor old Dickie.
23:59He's the one I feel sorry for.
24:01I just thought someone should rescue him and get some bevies down him.
24:12The hell do you call that?
24:15It's art.
24:17Art?
24:19I wouldn't wrap me chips up in it.
24:21Listen here, Rose, what do you reckon to this?
24:44They're coming this way.
24:45Come on.
24:59Richard!
25:01Psst!
25:03Psst!
25:05Psst!
25:09Psst!
25:26can i help you this is not a public area you know it's all right i'm a friend of the
25:35families
25:35her ladyship and i are old acquaintances so it would be very unwise of you to start getting
25:41officious oh yes but we're merely hiding from some unacceptable person who's trying to pursue us
25:47there are such odd people about i'm sure you understand
25:53how was i to know that that was his lordship he looked like the gardener
26:00he must be very low down on the aristocratic scale if he looks like a gardener
26:05i think it's irresponsible it's no right to look like a gardener
26:13hello welcome to england
26:19hello welcome to england
26:23hello welcome to england
26:25hello welcome to england
26:26hello welcome to england
26:28hello welcome to england it's much more than fish and chips we got chicks with a tits and a big
26:31filled lips
26:31i need a lot of kids and a rs6 big two fillies small fillies with a kick
26:35eyes with more grips that'll creep in your crib
26:36i smell bacon i smell pigs
26:38take the cash down get into the whip
26:40leeds road racing i'm feeling like hamilton
26:42we close amazing crops yeah i'm grabbing them
26:44don't give a fuck in the truck and i'm ramming them
26:45follow west yorkshire police here it's running the