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00:28PIANO PLAYS
00:36Oh! Oh! Oh! Blackadder! Blackadder!
00:40Your Highness.
00:41What time is it?
00:43Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness.
00:45Oh, thank God for that. I thought I'd overslept.
00:48I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir.
00:50Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened.
00:54Last night, I was having a bit of a snack at the naughty Hellfire Club,
00:57and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey.
01:02Oh, an absurd suggestion, sir.
01:04You're right, it is absurd.
01:05Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey.
01:10See, if only I'd thought of saying that.
01:13Well, that is so often the way, sir, too late one thinks of what one should have said.
01:16Sir Thomas More, for instance, burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism.
01:21Must have been kicking himself as the flames licked higher,
01:24that it never occurred to him to say,
01:26I recant my Catholicism.
01:29Well, yes, you see, only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger.
01:34And it wasn't until eight years later that I thought how clever it would have been
01:37to have said,
01:38Oh, bugger off, you old fart!
01:41I need to improve my mind, Blackadder.
01:43I want people to say,
01:44That George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill.
01:48And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness?
01:52Easy!
01:53I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England.
01:57That renowned brain box, Dr Samuel Johnson,
01:59has asked me to be patron of this new book,
02:02and I intend to accept.
02:03Would this be the long-awaited dictionary, sir?
02:06Who cares about the title, as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it?
02:09I hear it's a masterpiece.
02:11No, sir, it is not.
02:12It's the most pointless book since How to Learn French was translated into French.
02:19You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you, Blackadder?
02:23Good Lord, sir, not at all.
02:25In fact, I'd never heard of him until you mentioned him just now.
02:28But you do think he's a genius?
02:30No, sir, I do not.
02:32Unless, of course, the definition of genius in his ridiculous dictionary
02:35is a fat dullard or wobble-bottom
02:39a compass ass with sweaty dewflap.
02:44Well, close shave there, then.
02:47Lucky you warned me.
02:48I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom.
02:51I'm delighted to have been instrumental in keeping your bosom free of arses.
02:56Bravo!
02:58Don't want to waste my valuable time with wobble-bottoms.
03:01Faxon tea, will you, Blackadder?
03:02Certainly, sir.
03:02Oh, and make it two cups, will you?
03:04That splendid brain box, Dr Johnson's coming round.
03:12Something wrong, Mr B?
03:14Oh, something's always wrong, Borders.
03:17The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat
03:20with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle.
03:24But today, something's even wronger.
03:27That globulus fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea.
03:30I thought he was the cleverest man in England.
03:32Baldrick, I'd bump into cleverer people
03:34at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots.
03:38That's not what you said when you sent him your navel.
03:41Novel, Baldrick, not navel.
03:44I sent him my novel.
03:47Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me.
03:51The phrase, Baldrick, is a case of sour grapes.
03:54And yes, it bloody well is.
03:56I mean, he might at least have written back, but no, nothing.
03:59Not even a dear Gertrude Perkins, thank you for your book,
04:02gets stuffed Samuel Johnson.
04:05Gertrude Perkins?
04:06Yes, I give myself a female pseudonym.
04:09Everybody's doing it these days.
04:11Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen.
04:13What, Jane Austen's a man?
04:15Of course.
04:16A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron.
04:20Oh, quite a small one, then.
04:22Well, compared to Dorothy Wordsworth, certainly.
04:25James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment,
04:28and that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches.
04:32Perhaps your book really isn't any good.
04:34Oh, codswallop, it's taken me seven years and it's perfect.
04:38Edmund, a butler's tale.
04:40A giant rollercoaster of a novel in 400 sizzling chapters.
04:45A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century
04:49with some hot gypsies thrown in.
04:52My magnum opus, Baldrick.
04:54Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine.
04:57And this is mine.
05:00My magnificent octopus.
05:03This is your novel, Baldrick.
05:05Yeah, I can't stand long books.
05:08Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick.
05:13And it lived happily ever after.
05:17It's semi-autobiographical.
05:19And it's completely, utterly awful.
05:22Dr Johnson will probably love it.
05:26Oh, speak of the devil.
05:28Well, I'd better go and make the great doctor comfortable.
05:32Let's just see how damn smart Dr Fatty know-it-all really is.
05:37Oh, and prepare a fire for the prince, will you, Baldrick?
05:39What shall I use?
05:41Oh, any old rubbish will do.
05:42The paper's quite good.
05:43Here, try this for starters.
05:48Enter.
05:50Dr Johnson, Your Highness.
05:52Ah, Dr Johnson.
05:53Damn cold day.
05:54Indeed it is, sir, but a verified one.
05:56For I celebrated last night the encyclopedic implementation
05:59of my premeditated orchestration of Dermotic Anglo-Saxon.
06:06Nope, didn't catch any of that.
06:08Well, I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous.
06:10Since during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn,
06:13I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation
06:16of the vocabulary of our post-Normantime.
06:23Oh, I don't know what you're talking about,
06:24but it sounds damn saucy, you looking thing.
06:26I know some fairly liberal-minded girls,
06:29but I've never penultimated any of them
06:30in that solar sojourn.
06:32If that might have been given any Norman tongue.
06:37I believe, sir, that the doctor is trying to tell you
06:40that he is happy because he has finished his book.
06:42It has apparently taken him ten years.
06:46Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself.
06:52Here it is, sir,
06:53the very cornerstone of English scholarship.
06:55This book, sir,
06:57contains every word in our beloved language.
07:00Oh, every single one, sir?
07:02Every single word, sir.
07:04Well, in that case, sir,
07:06I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor
07:08my most enthusiastic contrafibularities.
07:12What?
07:14Contrafibularities, sir?
07:15It is a common word down our way.
07:18Damn!
07:20Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
07:22I'm anispeptic,
07:23phrasmotic,
07:26even compunctuous
07:27to have caused you such pericombobulation.
07:31What?
07:31What?
07:32What are you all about, Blackheader?
07:33This is all beginning to sound a bit like Dago talk to me.
07:37I'm sorry, sir.
07:38I merely wished to congratulate the doctor
07:39on not having left out a single word.
07:43Shall I fetch the tea, Johannes?
07:44Yes, yes.
07:45And get that damn fire up here, will you?
07:47Certainly, sir.
07:49I shall return
07:50interfrastically.
07:54So, Dr Johnson,
07:56sit you down.
07:57Now, this book of yours,
07:59tell me,
07:59what's it all about?
08:01It is a book
08:01about the English language, sir.
08:03I see.
08:04And the hero's name is what?
08:07There is no hero, sir.
08:09No hero?
08:10Well, lucky I reminded you.
08:11Better put one in, pronto.
08:12So, call him George.
08:15George is a good name for a hero.
08:16Now, what about heroines?
08:18There is no heroine, sir,
08:19unless it is our mother tongue.
08:21The mother's the heroine.
08:23Nice twist.
08:24How far have we got, then?
08:25Old mother tongue
08:26is in love with George, the hero.
08:28Now, what about murders?
08:30Mother tongue doesn't get murdered, does she?
08:31No, she doesn't.
08:32No one gets murdered,
08:33or married,
08:34or in a tricky situation
08:35over a pound note.
08:37Well, now, look, Dr Johnson,
08:39I may be as thick as a whale omelette,
08:41but if I know,
08:43a book's got to have a plot.
08:45Not this one, sir.
08:46It is a book that tells you
08:48what English words mean.
08:49I know what English words mean.
08:52I speak English.
08:53You must be a bit of a thicko.
08:55Perhaps you would rather
08:56not be patron of my book
08:57if you can see no value in it
08:58whatsoever, sir.
08:59Well, perhaps so, sir.
09:00As it sounds to me,
09:01as if my being patron of this
09:02complete cowpat of a book
09:04will set the seal once and for all
09:06on my reputation
09:07as an utter turnip head.
09:09Well, it is a reputation
09:11well dessert, sir.
09:12Farewell.
09:16Leaving already, Dr. Johnson?
09:18Not staying for your
09:19appendage-statery interludicule?
09:23No, sir.
09:24Show me out.
09:25Certainly, sir.
09:26Anything I can do
09:27to facilitate
09:28your velocitous extramuralisation.
09:31You will regret this doubly, sir.
09:33Not only have you
09:34impeculiated
09:35my dictionary,
09:36but you have also
09:38lost the chance
09:38to act as patron
09:39to the only book
09:40in the world
09:41that is even better.
09:42Oh, and what is that, sir?
09:44Dictionary two?
09:46The return
09:47of the killer dictionary?
09:49No, sir.
09:50It is Edmund,
09:51a butler's tale
09:52by a lovely poet.
09:54A huge rollercoaster
09:56of a novel
09:57crammed with sizzling gypsies.
10:00Had you supported it, sir,
10:02it would have made you
10:02and me
10:03and Gertrude
10:05millionaires.
10:06Millionaires.
10:09But it was not for me, sir.
10:10I fare you well,
10:11I shall not return.
10:13Excuse me, sir.
10:15Dr. Johnson?
10:17A word, I beg you.
10:19A word with you, sir,
10:20can mean seven million syllables.
10:22You might start now
10:23and not be finished by bedtime.
10:25Oh!
10:25Blast my eyes!
10:27In my fury,
10:27I have left my dictionary
10:28with your foolish master.
10:30Go fetch it, will you?
10:31Sir,
10:31the prince is young
10:32and foolish
10:33and has a peanut
10:34for a bread.
10:36Give me just a few minutes
10:37and I will deliver
10:38both the book
10:39and his patronage.
10:40Oh, will you, sir?
10:41I very much doubt it.
10:43A servant who was
10:44an influence for the good
10:45is like a dog
10:46who speaks.
10:47Very rare.
10:48I think I can change
10:49his mind.
10:50Well, I doubt it, sir.
10:52A man who can change
10:53a prince's mind
10:53is like a dog
10:54who speaks Norwegian.
10:55Even rarer.
10:57I shall be at
10:58Mrs. Miggins'
10:59literary salon
10:59in 20 minutes.
11:01Bring the book there.
11:03Your Highness,
11:04may I offer
11:04my congratulations?
11:05Well, thanks, Black Adam.
11:07That pompous baboon
11:08won't be back in a hurry.
11:09Oh, on the contrary, sir,
11:11Dr. Johnson left
11:12in the highest of spirits.
11:13What?
11:14He is utterly thrilled
11:15at your promise
11:16to patronise
11:17his dictionary.
11:18I told him to sod off,
11:20didn't I?
11:21Yes, sir,
11:22but that was a joke.
11:23Surely.
11:24Was it?
11:25Certainly.
11:26And a brilliant one,
11:28what's more?
11:29Yes.
11:30Yes, I...
11:31You know, I suppose
11:31it was rather, wasn't it?
11:32Yeah.
11:33So may I deliver
11:34your note of patronage
11:35to Dr. Johnson,
11:37as promised?
11:37Well, of course.
11:38If that's what I promised,
11:39then that's what I must do.
11:40And I remember
11:41promising it distinctly.
11:42Excellent.
11:43Nice fire, Boris.
11:44Thank you, Mr. B.
11:45Right.
11:46Let's get the book.
11:46Now, Baldrick,
11:48where's the manuscript?
11:50You mean the big papery thing
11:52tied up with string?
11:53Yes, Baldrick,
11:54the manuscript
11:54belonging to Dr. Johnson.
11:56You mean the baity fellow
11:57in the black coat
11:58who just left?
11:59Yes, Baldrick,
12:00Dr. Johnson.
12:01So you're asking
12:02where the big papery thing
12:04tied up with string
12:05belonging to the baity fellow
12:07in the black coat
12:08who just left is?
12:09Yes, Baldrick,
12:10I am.
12:11And if you don't answer,
12:12then the booted bony thing
12:14with five toes
12:15on the end of my leg
12:16will soon connect sharply
12:18with a soft, dangly
12:20collection of objects
12:20in your skin.
12:23For the last time, Baldrick,
12:26where is Dr. Johnson's
12:28manuscript?
12:28On the fire.
12:30On the what?
12:31The hot, orangey thing
12:32under the staining
12:33of magic.
12:35You've burnt
12:36the dictionary?
12:37Yup.
12:38You've burnt
12:39the life's work
12:40of England's
12:41foremost man of letters?
12:42Well, you did say
12:43burn any old rubbish.
12:45Yes, fine.
12:46Isn't it, uh,
12:47a bit difficult
12:48for me to patronise
12:49this book
12:50if we burnt it?
12:52Yes, it is.
12:54If you would
12:55excuse me a moment.
12:56Of course, of course.
12:57Now I've got my lovely fire,
12:58I'm as happy
12:58as a Frenchman
12:59who's invented
13:00a pair of self-removing trousers.
13:02Baldrick,
13:03would you join me
13:03in the vestibule?
13:09We are going to go
13:10to Mrs. McGinn's.
13:11We're going to find out
13:12where Dr. Johnson
13:13keeps a copy
13:14of that dictionary
13:14and then you
13:15are going to steal it.
13:16Me?
13:16Yes, you.
13:17Why me?
13:18Because you burnt it,
13:19Baldrick.
13:20But then I'll go to hell
13:21forever for stealing.
13:23Baldrick,
13:23believe me,
13:25eternity
13:25and the company
13:26of Beelzebub
13:27and all his
13:28hellish instruments
13:28of death
13:29will be a picnic
13:30compared to five minutes
13:31with me
13:32and this pencil
13:35if we can't
13:36replace this dictionary.
13:38Now, come on.
13:40Oh, love,
13:40more next to see
13:41that is Mrs. McGinn's.
13:43Will thou bring me
13:44but one cup
13:45of the brownie juicings
13:46of that naughty bean
13:47we call coffee
13:48ere I die?
13:50Oh!
13:51Oh, you do have
13:52a way of words
13:53with you,
13:53Mr. Shelley.
13:54To hell with
13:55this fine-talking
13:56coffee woman!
13:57My consumption
13:58grows evermore acute
14:00and Coleridge's
14:01drugs are wearing
14:01off.
14:02Oh, Mr. Byron,
14:04don't be such
14:04a big girl's blouse.
14:09Don't forget
14:09the pencil.
14:11Oh, I certainly
14:11won't, sir.
14:14Ah, good day
14:15to you, Mrs. Mickens.
14:17A cup of your
14:18best hot water
14:19with brown grit
14:20in it.
14:21Unless, of course,
14:22by some miracle
14:23your coffee shop
14:23has started
14:24selling coffee.
14:25Be quiet, sir!
14:26Can't you see
14:27we're dying?
14:28Don't you worry
14:29about my poets,
14:30Mr. Blackadder.
14:30They're not dead.
14:32They're just being
14:33intellectual.
14:34Mrs. Mickens,
14:35there's nothing
14:35intellectual about
14:36wandering around
14:37Italy in a big shirt
14:38trying to get laid.
14:39Why are they here
14:40of all places?
14:41We are here, sir,
14:42to pay homage
14:43to the great
14:44Dr. Johnson,
14:45as, sir,
14:45should you.
14:46Oh, well,
14:47absolutely.
14:48I intend to.
14:49You wouldn't happen
14:50to have a copy
14:50of his dictionary
14:51on you, would you,
14:52so I can do some
14:52revising before
14:53he gets here.
14:54Friends!
14:55I am returned.
14:57Hooray!
14:58So, sir,
14:59how was the prince?
15:00The prince was
15:01and is
15:02an utter fool
15:03and his household
15:04filled with
15:05cretinous servants.
15:08Good afternoon, sir.
15:10And you are
15:11the worst of them, sir.
15:12After all your boasting,
15:13have you my dictionary
15:14and my patronage?
15:15Not quite.
15:16The prince begs
15:17just a few more hours
15:18to really get
15:19to grips with it.
15:20Bah!
15:21Bah!
15:22However,
15:22I was wondering
15:23if a lowly servant
15:24such as I
15:25might be permitted
15:25to glance at a copy.
15:27Copy?
15:28Copy!
15:29There is no copy, sir.
15:31No copy?
15:32No, sir.
15:33Making a copy
15:34is like fitting wheels
15:35to a tomato.
15:36Time-consuming
15:37and completely unnecessary.
15:39But what if
15:40the book got lost?
15:41I should not lose
15:42the book, sir.
15:43And if any
15:44other man should,
15:45I would tear off
15:46his head with
15:46my bare hands
15:47and feed it
15:48to the cat!
15:51Well,
15:52that's nice and clear.
15:53And I,
15:54Lord Byron,
15:55would summon
15:56a fifty of my men,
15:57lay siege to
15:58the pharaoh's house
15:59and do bloody
16:00murder on him.
16:01And I would not
16:02rest until the criminal
16:03was hanging by his hair
16:04with an oriental
16:05disembowelling cutlass
16:07thrust up his
16:08ignoble behind.
16:10I hope you're
16:10listening to all
16:11this boring.
16:16sir,
16:17I have been
16:18unable to replace
16:18the dictionary.
16:19I am therefore
16:20leaving immediately
16:21for Nepal,
16:22where I intend
16:23to live as a goat.
16:27Why?
16:28Because if I stay here,
16:30Dr Johnson's companions
16:31will have me
16:32brutally murdered, sir.
16:33Good God, Blackadder,
16:34that's terrible!
16:35Do you know
16:36any other butlers?
16:38And of course,
16:39when the people
16:39discover that you
16:40have burnt
16:41Dr Johnson's dictionary,
16:42they may go around
16:43saying,
16:44look, there's
16:44thick George,
16:45he's got a brain
16:46the size of a
16:47weasel's wedding tackle.
16:51Well, in that case,
16:52something must be done.
16:53I have a cunning plan.
16:57Hurrah!
16:57Well, that's that then.
16:59I wouldn't get
16:59over-excited, sir.
17:01I have a hard
17:02suspicion that
17:03Baldrige's plan
17:03will be the stupidest
17:04thing we've heard
17:05since Lord Nelson's
17:07famous signal
17:08at the Battle of the Nile.
17:10England knows
17:11Lady Hamilton
17:11is a virgin.
17:13Poke my eye out
17:14and cut off
17:14my arm
17:15if I'm wrong.
17:17Oh, great!
17:19Let's hear it then!
17:21It's brilliant.
17:23You take the string,
17:25that's still
17:25not completely burnt,
17:27you scrape off
17:28the soot
17:29and you shove
17:30the pages in again.
17:32Which pages?
17:33Well, not the same
17:34ones, of course.
17:35Yes, I think
17:36I'm on the point
17:36of spotting the
17:37flaw in this plan.
17:40But do go on.
17:41Which pages are they?
17:42Well, this is
17:43the brilliant bit.
17:44You write
17:45some new ones.
17:47Some new ones.
17:48You mean
17:49rewrite the dictionary.
17:50I sit down tonight
17:52and rewrite
17:52the dictionary
17:53that took
17:54Dr. Johnson
17:54ten years.
17:55Yep.
17:57Baldrige,
17:57that is by far
17:58and away
17:58and without
17:59a shadow of doubt
18:00the worst
18:01and most contemptible
18:02plan in the history
18:03of the universe.
18:05On the other hand,
18:07I hear the sound
18:08of disembowelling
18:09cataluses
18:10being sharpened.
18:11That's the only
18:12plan we've got.
18:12So if you will
18:13excuse me,
18:14gentlemen.
18:15Perhaps you'd like
18:15me to lend a hand,
18:16Blackadder.
18:17I'm not as stupid
18:18as I look.
18:18I am as stupid
18:20as I look, sir.
18:21But if I can help,
18:22I will.
18:23Well, it's very kind
18:24of you both,
18:24but I fear
18:25your services
18:26might be as useful
18:27as a barbershop
18:28on the steps
18:28of the guillotine.
18:29Come on, Blackadder.
18:31Give us a try.
18:33Very well, sir.
18:34As you wish.
18:35Let's start
18:35at the beginning,
18:36shall we?
18:37First, A.
18:38How would you define
18:39A?
18:40Oh, I love this.
18:41I love this.
18:42Quizzies.
18:43Hang on, it's coming.
18:45A.
18:45Oh, crikey.
18:46Um.
18:47Oh, yes, I've got it.
18:48What?
18:49Well, it doesn't really
18:51mean anything, does it?
18:53Good.
18:54So we're well
18:55on the way, then.
18:57A.
18:58Impersonal pronoun
18:59doesn't really mean anything.
19:02Right, next.
19:03A.
19:03A, B.
19:05Um, A, B.
19:06Well, it's a buzzing thing,
19:07isn't it?
19:08A.
19:09Buzzing thing.
19:12I mean,
19:13something that starts
19:13with A, B.
19:15Honey?
19:16Honey starts with A, B.
19:18He's right, you know, Blackadder.
19:20Honey does start
19:20with a B.
19:21And a flower, too.
19:22Yes, look,
19:23this really isn't
19:23getting anywhere.
19:24And besides,
19:25I've left out
19:26Aardvark.
19:27Oh, well.
19:28Can't say we didn't
19:28give it a try.
19:29No, Your Highness,
19:30it was a brave stab.
19:31But I fear
19:31I must proceed
19:32on my own.
19:33Now, Baudric,
19:34go to the kitchen
19:34and make me something
19:35quick and simple
19:36to eat, would you?
19:36Two slices of bread
19:37with something in between.
19:39What, like Gerald
19:39Lord Sandwich
19:40had the other day?
19:41Yes, a few rounds
19:42of Gerald's.
19:52How goes it, Blackadder?
19:54Not all that well, sir.
19:55Well, let's have a look.
19:58Medium-sized insectivore
20:00with protruding nasal implement.
20:04Doesn't sound much
20:05like a B to me.
20:06It's an Aardvark!
20:07Can't you see that,
20:08Your Highness?
20:08It's a bloody Aardvark!
20:11Dear, still on Aardvark,
20:13are we?
20:13Yes, I'm afraid we are.
20:15And if I ever meet
20:16an Aardvark,
20:16I'm going to step on
20:17its damn protruding
20:18nasal implement
20:19until it couldn't suck up
20:20an insectivist
20:21life depended on it.
20:22A bit stuck, have you?
20:23I'm sorry, sir.
20:25It's five hours later
20:26and I've got every word
20:28in the English language
20:29except A in Aardvark
20:30still to do.
20:31And I'm not very happy
20:33with my definition of Aardvark.
20:35Well, don't panic, Blackadder,
20:36because I have some
20:38rather good news.
20:39Oh, what?
20:41Well, we didn't take no
20:42for an answer
20:42and have, in fact,
20:43been working all night.
20:45I've done B.
20:46Really?
20:47And how have you got on?
20:48Well, I had a bit of trouble
20:49with belching,
20:51but I think I got it
20:52sorted out in the end.
20:54Oh, no!
20:55There I go again!
21:01You've been working
21:01on that joke for some time,
21:03haven't you?
21:04Well, yes, I have,
21:05as a matter of fact, yes.
21:06Since you started, in fact.
21:06Basically.
21:07So, in fact,
21:07you haven't done any work at all?
21:09Not as such, no.
21:11Great.
21:12Baldrick, what have you done?
21:13I've done C and D.
21:15Right, let's have it, then.
21:17Right.
21:18Big blue wobbly thing
21:20that mermaids live in.
21:24C.
21:27Yes.
21:30Tiny misunderstanding, still.
21:32My hopes weren't high.
21:34No, and what about D?
21:36I'm quite pleased with dog.
21:37Yes, and your definition of dog is?
21:39Not a cat.
21:45Excellent.
21:47Excellent.
21:48Your Highness,
21:49may I have a word?
21:50Certainly.
21:51As you know, sir,
21:52it has always been my intention
21:53to stay with you
21:54until you had a strapping son
21:55and I one likewise
21:56to take over the burdens
21:58of my duties.
21:58That's right, Blackadder,
21:59and I thank you for it.
22:00But I'm afraid, sir,
22:01that there's been a change of plan.
22:02I'm off to the kitchen
22:03to hack my head off
22:04with a big knife.
22:06Oh, come on, Blackadder.
22:08It's only a book.
22:10Let's just damn the fellow's eyes,
22:12strip the britches from his backside,
22:14and warm his heels to Putney Bridge.
22:16Hurrah!
22:17Sir, these are not the days
22:19of Alfred the Great.
22:20You can't just lop someone's head off
22:21and blame it on the Vikings.
22:23Can't I, my God?
22:25No.
22:26Oh, well, all right,
22:26then, let's just get on with it.
22:27I mean, boil my brains.
22:29It's only a dictionary.
22:30No-one's asked us to eat
22:32ten raw pigs for breakfast.
22:34Good Lord, I mean,
22:35we're British, aren't we?
22:37You're not.
22:38You're German.
22:41Get me some coffee, Baldrick.
22:42If I fall asleep before Monday,
22:44we're doomed.
22:49Mr Blackadder,
22:50time to wake up.
22:52What time is it?
22:53Monday morning.
22:54Monday morning?
22:55Oh, my God, I've overslept.
22:57Where's the quill?
22:58Where's the parchment?
22:59I don't know.
22:59Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
23:01What?
23:02He's outside.
23:03Ow!
23:04I will, sir.
23:05No, you can't have it.
23:06I know I said Monday,
23:08but I want Baldrick to read it,
23:09which, unfortunately,
23:10will mean teaching him to read.
23:13Which will take about ten years.
23:14But time well spent, I think,
23:16because it's such a very good dictionary.
23:17I don't think so.
23:18Oh, God, we've been burgled!
23:21What?
23:22I think it's an awful dictionary,
23:24full of feeble definitions
23:25and ridiculous verbiage.
23:27I've come to ask you
23:28to chuck that damn thing in the fire.
23:30Are you sure?
23:31I've never been more sure
23:32of anything in my life, sir.
23:33I love you, Dr Johnson,
23:35and I want to have your babies.
23:41Sorry, excuse me, Dr Johnson,
23:42but my Auntie Marjorie's just arrived.
23:45Baldrick,
23:45who gave you permission
23:47to turn into an Alsatian?
23:48Oh, God, it's a dream, isn't it?
23:52It's a bloody dream.
23:55Dr Johnson doesn't want to
23:57live Burley's dictionary at all.
24:09Monday morning.
24:10Monday morning?
24:11Oh, my God, I've overslept.
24:12Where's the quill?
24:13Where's the parchment?
24:14I don't know.
24:15Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him.
24:17What?
24:18He's outside.
24:20No, hang on.
24:21Hang on.
24:22If we go on like this,
24:23you're going to turn
24:23into an Alsatian again.
24:26Oh, my God.
24:28Quick, Baldrick,
24:29we've got to escape.
24:30Oh, sir,
24:30bring out the dictionary at once.
24:32Bring it out, sir.
24:33In my passion,
24:34I shall kill everyone
24:35by giving them syphilis.
24:36Bring it out, sir.
24:37And also any opium plants
24:39you may have around there.
24:40Bring it out, sir.
24:41We shall break down the door.
24:43Hi, good morning.
24:44Dr Johnson?
24:45Where is my dictionary?
24:47And what dictionary
24:48would this be?
24:49The one that has taken
24:5018 hours of every day
24:51for the last 10 years.
24:53My mother died,
24:54I hardly noticed.
24:55My father cut off his head
24:56and fried it in garlic
24:57in the hope of attracting
24:58my attention.
24:59I scarcely looked up
25:00from my work.
25:01My wife brought armies
25:02of lovers to the house
25:03who worked in droves
25:05so that she might bring up
25:06a huge family of bastards.
25:08I cannot.
25:10Am I to presume
25:11that my elaborate bluff
25:12has not worked?
25:13Dictionary!
25:14Right.
25:15Well, the truth is, doctor,
25:16now, don't get cross,
25:17don't overreact.
25:17The truth is,
25:18we burnt it.
25:20Then you die!
25:22Morning, everyone.
25:24You know,
25:24this dictionary
25:25really is a cracking good read.
25:27It's an absolutely
25:28splendid job.
25:29My dictionary?
25:31But you said
25:32you burnt it!
25:33Um...
25:33I think it's a splendid book
25:35and I look forward
25:35to patronising it enormously.
25:37Oh, well,
25:38thank you, sir.
25:38Well, I think I'm man enough
25:40to sacrifice the pleasure
25:41of killing
25:41to maintain
25:42the general good humour.
25:44There's to be
25:44no murder today,
25:45gentlemen.
25:46But prepare to
25:47Mrs. Miggett's.
25:48I shall join you there
25:49later for a roister
25:49you will never forget.
25:52So,
25:54tell me, sir,
25:55what words
25:55particularly
25:56interested you?
25:57Oh, er,
25:58nothing.
25:59Anything, really.
26:00Yeah, I see
26:00you underlined a few.
26:03Bloomers,
26:04bottom,
26:05burp,
26:08fart,
26:09fiddle,
26:09fornicate?
26:10Well, sir,
26:10I hope you are not
26:11using the first
26:12English dictionary
26:13to look up rude words.
26:14I wouldn't be too hopeful.
26:16That's what all the other
26:17ones will be used for.
26:19Sir,
26:20can I look up turnip?
26:21Turnip isn't a rude word,
26:22Baldrick.
26:23It is if you sit on one.
26:25Anyway, sir,
26:26do we have more
26:27important business in hand?
26:28I refer, of course,
26:30to the works
26:30of the mysterious
26:32Gertrude Perkins.
26:33Mysterious?
26:34No more, sir.
26:35It is time
26:35for the truth.
26:36I can at last
26:37reveal the identity
26:38of the great
26:39Gertrude Perkins.
26:40Sir, who is she?
26:41She, sir,
26:42is me, sir.
26:44I am Gertrude Perkins.
26:45Good Lord!
26:47And what's more,
26:47I can prove it.
26:48Bring out the manuscript
26:49and I will show you
26:50that my signature
26:51corresponds exactly
26:52with that on the front.
26:54Why, I must have
26:55left it here
26:55when I left the dictionary.
26:57This is terribly exciting.
26:59Baldrick,
27:00fetch my novel.
27:01No, novel?
27:02Yes, Baldrick,
27:03the big papery thing
27:03tied up with string.
27:04What?
27:05Like the thing
27:06we burnt?
27:07Exactly like
27:07the thing we burnt.
27:08So you're asking
27:09for the big papery thing
27:11tied up with string
27:12exactly like
27:13the thing we burnt?
27:14Exactly.
27:16We burnt it.
27:19So we did.
27:20Thank you, Baldrick.
27:22Seven years of my life
27:23up in smoke.
27:25Your Highness,
27:25would you excuse me
27:26a moment?
27:27By all means.
27:31Oh, God, no!
27:35Thank you, sir.
27:37Burned, you say?
27:38That's most inconvenient.
27:39A burned novel
27:40is like a burned dog.
27:42Oh, shut up!
27:43Sir, I have a novel.
27:49Once upon a time,
27:50there was a lovely little sausage
27:52called...
27:53Sausage?
27:55Sausage!
27:56Blast your eyes!
27:59Well, I didn't think
28:01it was that bad.
28:03I think you'll find
28:04he left sausage
28:05out of his diction.
28:08Oh.
28:09And aardvark.
28:12Oh, come on, Blackadder.
28:13It's not all that bad.
28:15Nothing a nice,
28:15roaring fire can't salt.
28:17Baldrick, do the honours,
28:18will you?
28:18Certainly, Your Majesty.
28:19Oh.
28:20Oh.
28:21Oh.
28:22Oh.
28:23Oh.
28:23Oh.
28:24Oh.
28:24Oh.
28:25Oh.
28:26Oh.
28:26Oh.
28:27Oh.
28:27Oh.
28:27Oh.
28:28Oh.
28:29Oh.
28:29Oh.
28:29Oh.
28:30Oh.
28:30Oh.
28:31Oh.
28:32Oh.
28:35Oh.
28:39Oh.
28:50Oh.
28:52Oh.
29:03Atta!
29:04Black Atta!
29:14Atta.
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