- 1 day ago
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00:00MUSIC PLAYS
00:26Julie, can you come in and take a letter, please?
00:31No, I'll get on with it. I'm eating a yoghurt.
00:34Thank you, Julie.
00:36Right. Dear Councillor Druggett,
00:40read your memo of the 14th inst.
00:43I'm seeking clarification on council policy
00:46regarding the buying-in of alternative services.
00:49Can I take it this does not refer to alternative religious services,
00:54as was first thought?
00:55If so, I shall inform the Reverend Bernie Simpson
00:59that he can no longer hold voodoo sacrifices in the squash pool.
01:04Yours, et cetera, et cetera.
01:05Oh, P.S.
01:06Most of the chicken blood has now been successfully removed from the walls.
01:12Greg, mind me yoghurt.
01:14How long's this going to go on for, Julie?
01:16Just until the trial. Is that it, then?
01:19It's in the position!
01:19Oh, he's at it again.
01:22Gordon, there's a man out there.
01:24That's Greg. He's with me.
01:26Yes, but Gordon, he's just...
01:27I know, my darling. He's doing it to everyone. It's his job.
01:30Really?
01:33Now, I can't give you long. I've got an important meeting to go to.
01:36What is it you want?
01:36Money, cash, lots of it.
01:38Is this for your counselling course?
01:39No, no, it's not. Come on, I'm in a hurry, too.
01:41My darling, what's it for?
01:43I don't know. How do you expect me to know?
01:44If I'm going to give you money, my sweet, I'd like to know what it's for.
01:47Well, so would I, but that's not how it's done, is it?
01:49Come on, get a move. I'm a chip pocket.
01:53Right, now, before we start the meeting, everyone, a little question.
01:56Has anyone noticed anything unusual this morning?
01:59Yes, Colin?
02:00Yes, Mr. Britters, I have.
02:01Something most unusual.
02:03There was a woodpecker in my garden this morning.
02:06No, Colin.
02:07I found this little mangled body on the step.
02:09I think the car probably got it.
02:11No, Colin, anything unusual here?
02:14There's a man with a gun at the back of the room.
02:16That's right, Linda. Well spotted.
02:18I expect you'd all like to know why.
02:20I think we would, really, Mr. Britters.
02:21Well, I can't tell you, Linda.
02:23Why not?
02:23Because that information can only be divulged on a strictly need-to-know basis.
02:28Yeah, but don't we need to know?
02:30No, you don't, Tim.
02:31May I know, Mr. Britters?
02:32No.
02:33Well, as a deputy manager, I need to know, Mr. Britters.
02:35No, you don't. Only I know who needs to know.
02:38I don't need to know, Mr. Britters.
02:39No.
02:40I don't need to know anything.
02:42No.
02:43He's with me.
02:45He's my rapid response unit.
02:47Anything you need to know, ask me.
02:49Right, thank you, Julie, for that.
02:51Now, before I forget, after the meeting, Tim, birth certificate in my office.
02:54Oh, the thing is...
02:55No excuses. Have you brought it in?
02:57Yes, but you said it's me.
02:57Good. Right.
02:58Now, moving on.
02:59In the interest of monitoring and evaluating the efficient delivery of our service to the community,
03:05I'm going to initiate a staff review.
03:08Oh, how lovely, Mr. Britters, with sketches and songs.
03:11We're happy to plan it, Mr. Britters.
03:13No, Carol, it's not that sort of review.
03:15It's a sequentially generated staff performance review.
03:18Sorry, Mr. Britters?
03:19The basic notion, Carol, is that each one of us undertakes and delivers a free and frank appraisal of a
03:26colleague's performance.
03:28This assessment will ascertain the optimum attainment levels of that colleague in pursuance of his or her operational duties.
03:35I think he means how well we're doing in our jobs.
03:37That's one way of putting it, Tim, yes. I want them by tomorrow, please.
03:41Yes, first thing, please.
03:41Gavin, I'll do you if you do me.
03:43No, you can't do that, Tim.
03:46You see, this is a sequentially generated performance review,
03:50which means that each one of us has to report on a colleague directly junior to us.
03:54For example, I shall be reported on...
03:56Colin.
03:57Really, Mr. Britters?
03:58Yes, Colin.
03:59I don't know what to say.
04:01I'm moved, deeply moved and honoured.
04:04And if there's anything I can ever do for you...
04:06Well, there is, Colin. You can report on Gavin.
04:08No, Mr. Britters, that can't be right.
04:11I'm not junior to Colin. I'm deputy manager.
04:13He's just a glorified handyman.
04:15I beg your pardon?
04:17Well, it's true.
04:18You spend most of the day with your hand down a toilet.
04:21A toilet, if you don't mind.
04:23Don't you know anything about you, Bens?
04:25Please, please, please, please.
04:27The point is, Gavin, Colin is deputy manager wet.
04:30You're only acting deputy manager.
04:33He doesn't even do the job, Mr. Britters.
04:35Oh, yes, I do.
04:36The fact that I've had to be removed from certain pool duties
04:39due to an attack of scabarous dandruff.
04:42He's neither here nor there.
04:44Most of it's actually still there, Colin.
04:46But anyway, Gavin, you should be reporting on Julie.
04:49Julie will be doing Carol.
04:51Mr. Britters, whilst I appreciate that Julie and I
04:53are on the same administrative grade,
04:55I've always assumed that I was senior to her.
04:57I mean, after all, I have been here longer.
04:59Yeah, but she gets paid more than you do.
05:03Does she?
05:04Quite a lot more, actually, yes.
05:05Anyway, you should be reporting on Linda.
05:08And last but not least, Linda will be assessing Tim.
05:11So I don't have to report on anyone, then?
05:13Oh, yes, you do, Timothy.
05:15You see, this is a 360-degree appraisal,
05:19which means the subject of your free and frank appraisal will be...
05:23Think about it.
05:24You, Mr. Britters.
05:26Correct.
05:28So in this report, I have to say how well I think you do your job.
05:31That's it.
05:32And I can say what I like about you.
05:33You can say all the things you like about me, Julie.
05:37Any chance for a bit of reflexology, Linda?
05:39It's an emergency.
05:40Oh, yes.
05:41You do seem a bit tense.
05:42Do I?
05:43Oh, good.
05:43Get a move on, then.
05:45Now, have you had reflexology before?
05:47Yeah, once.
05:48I hated it.
05:49I can't bear people fiddling with my feet.
05:51Well, just sit back and try to relax.
05:53No, I don't want to relax.
05:54I want to be tense.
05:55I want to be like a coiled spring.
05:58Sorry, I don't understand.
06:00I'm going to an auction, so I need to be fully alert.
06:02Get the adrenaline going.
06:04Oh, it's great.
06:05You can get some real bargains.
06:07Last week, I got an Edwardian bicycle pump for £125.
06:12Really?
06:13And how much is it worth?
06:14About a tenner.
06:15But that's not the point.
06:16The point is, I got it.
06:18I outbid everyone.
06:21Oh, that's a fantastic feeling.
06:23Oh!
06:25That's horrible.
06:26Can you do it to this foot now?
06:28You see, Tim, in a 360-degree appraisal, we're all linking arms.
06:33We're holding hands.
06:34We're coming together to build a harmonious hole.
06:37You don't build a hole, do you?
06:39I mean, you dig a hole.
06:40No, not a hole.
06:41A hole.
06:42A wah-hole.
06:45Sorry?
06:46A hole.
06:47Not a hole in the ground, but a hole with a W, see?
06:50A hole with a W, see?
06:53No, no, just give me your birth certificate, please, Tim.
06:56How do I have to?
06:57I mean, there are certain things in it which...
06:58The DSS have lost you, Tim.
07:00They can't find you.
07:01I'm here.
07:02Yeah, but where are your pension contributions?
07:04There's ten years' worth of national insurance whacking about the computer.
07:07We're nowhere to go.
07:08They need to have your details.
07:10Oh, all right.
07:11But just let me say this, Mr Brittus.
07:14Things aren't always what they seem.
07:16No, but they usually are, Timothy.
07:18They usually are.
07:22Right.
07:23Name, Timothy Whistler.
07:25Date of birth.
07:27Hang about.
07:29This is not your birth certificate, Tim.
07:31Yes, it is.
07:32No, it's not.
07:32It's the birth certificate of...
07:33Yes, yes, I know what it says.
07:34That's my real name.
07:37What, Timothy Goebbels?
07:41Yes.
07:42Your name is Goebbels?
07:44No, not anymore.
07:46I'm sorry, Tim, you're losing me.
07:48Look, I was born Goebbels.
07:50My mother was German.
07:51Right, and your father...
07:52not known.
07:55So, legally speaking, Tim, you're a German.
07:57What?
07:58Who exactly are you, Tim?
08:00Tim.
08:01Tim Goebbels.
08:02But, obviously, I wanted to keep it private.
08:04What, private Goebbels?
08:07Look, I got rid of Goebbels years and years ago.
08:09What, you killed him?
08:11No, I just became Whistler.
08:13So, who's this Whistler?
08:14There is no Whistler.
08:15I just made it up, all right?
08:16No, it's not all right.
08:17You can't just make yourself up.
08:18Does this Timothy Whistler have a birth certificate?
08:20No.
08:20Or a national insurance number?
08:22No.
08:22Are there any legal documents at all for this so-called Timothy Whistler?
08:26No.
08:26Right, so there's nothing to prove that Timothy Whistler actually exists?
08:29Well, no, apart from the fact that I am here.
08:31Not according to the DSS, Timothy.
08:34To them, you're a non-person, and you can't argue with the government department.
08:38Legally speaking, you are not here.
08:41So, as far as I'm concerned, young man, you don't exist.
08:44There is no Timothy Whistler.
09:14No, no, no, no.
09:15Now, listen, have you started doing your report?
09:16I've started mine on Linda.
09:18I'm giving her a gluing report.
09:19Oh, Greg, it's another one.
09:21I'll get you in the end.
09:23This is the fourth one I've had.
09:25Threatening letters.
09:26I'm coming for you.
09:27You can run, but you can't hide.
09:29Make my day.
09:30Someone's trying to kill me.
09:31It's beginning to get on me nerves.
09:33Zero-one.
09:33This is PCG.
09:35Yeah, another one.
09:36With respect, Julie Hood want to kill you.
09:38I ask, of course, with courtesy and patience.
09:42Professional hitmen.
09:43Do you remember a year ago I saw that robbery?
09:45Well, they're coming up for trial, and I'm the star prosecution witness, apparently.
09:48So they're trying to get rid of me.
09:50So that's why Greg's here.
09:51Police protection.
09:5347, 51, 10-4.
09:5510 minutes.
09:56Is he talking to headquarters?
09:57No, hold on the Chinese takeaway.
09:59I've never known anyone eat so much.
10:01Morning, noon, and night.
10:03You mean he's with you?
10:04Yeah, 24 hours.
10:06He never sleeps.
10:07Which is quite good, really, because he's the one who gets up and feeds the baby.
10:11How does Alex take to that?
10:12Alex?
10:13You're Alex, the baby's father.
10:15Oh, him.
10:15No, I haven't seen him since I chucked him.
10:17Oh, yes.
10:18Well, it's very difficult being a single parent, isn't it?
10:20I know.
10:21Although, I've never let it adversely affect my work.
10:25So you might have to put that in your report.
10:27Oh, I'm not doing one of those.
10:28I can't be fagged.
10:29Why not?
10:29You must.
10:29It's very important.
10:30It's my career.
10:31I want to get on.
10:32I want to make something of my life.
10:33I just want to hang on to mine.
10:41You're spying on me, aren't you?
10:43Yes.
10:44Haven't you got anything better to do?
10:46No toilets to unblock?
10:48I'm assessing your optimum attainment level in pursuance of your operational duties,
10:52though, frankly, Mr Acting Deputy Manager, I've yet to find out what those duties are.
10:57Oh, give it a rest.
11:00Insubordination.
11:01So what are you doing out here, then?
11:03Skiving?
11:04No.
11:05I'm making sure that there's no unauthorised parking in reserved parking places.
11:09I see.
11:10Skiving.
11:11On Mr British's orders?
11:12No, Colin.
11:13Some of us don't need to be told what to do.
11:15Some of us use initiative.
11:16Going behind Mr British's back in an attempt to undermine his authority.
11:22I notice that there are no illegally parked cars.
11:25No, thanks to me.
11:26No, thanks to Gavin.
11:28I'm going.
11:29I've got a job to do.
11:31Well, make sure you don't block the toilet again.
11:37I'm sorry, Mrs British, I'm afraid you can't park there.
11:40What?
11:40You see, these spaces are for...
11:42No, nothing.
11:43You park wherever you want.
11:45I've had a fantastic afternoon, Colin.
11:47I went to the auction.
11:50£35, miscellaneous, bric-a-brac.
11:52Brilliant!
11:53I've got such a buzz, I went blind.
11:55Oh, Mrs British, are you all right now?
11:57Are you sure you should be driving?
11:58I mean, I was bidding unseen.
12:01There could be anything in here.
12:03It's a sort of...
12:05Pandora's box.
12:06No, no, it's mine.
12:08I offered everyone.
12:10It's like a sort of lucky dip.
12:16There's a...
12:18Good Lord, Mrs British.
12:19I haven't seen one of those since I was 12 years old.
12:22What is it?
12:22It's a pea shooter.
12:24Though, interestingly enough, seldom used for the shooting of peas.
12:27I, myself, used chewed-up blotting paper over a three-year period.
12:30I managed to pebble-dash the entire ceiling of the chemistry lab.
12:33You have it, then, Colin.
12:36Keep it.
12:36No, no, I couldn't.
12:38Yes, yes, you must.
12:39You see, Colin, it's important to learn how to give,
12:42but it's just as important to learn how to receive.
12:46That's what we're doing this week on my counselling course.
12:48It's called Transactional Psychosynthesis.
12:51Fascinating, I expect.
12:52You see, the act of receiving is itself an act of generosity.
12:57By accepting my gift to you,
13:00you give me the pleasure of giving.
13:03I derive pleasure from giving.
13:06I should be thanking you.
13:08So, thank you, Colin.
13:12No, no, thank you.
13:18Clear the pool, please.
13:20Everyone out.
13:22Unsupervised swimming is against council regulations.
13:25Oh, but, Mr Brintus, I'm here.
13:26Due to an oversight, it would appear that no-one is on duty.
13:30What are you talking about?
13:32Oh, Linda, I'm glad you've arrived.
13:34Could you take over, please?
13:35I'm afraid the pool has been left without a qualified lifeguard.
13:38What about Tim?
13:39Who?
13:40Tim.
13:40Tim.
13:41Tim Whistler.
13:43I'm sorry.
13:43There is no Tim Whistler.
13:45It is now safe to return to the pool.
13:48Linda is here.
13:49She's a qualified lifeguard.
13:51Everyone back in the pool, please.
13:55Oh, thank you, Mr Brintus.
13:57It's lovely.
13:57I think it's guilt, isn't it?
13:59No, no, I don't feel guilt anymore.
14:02It's a simple act of giving and receiving one friend to another.
14:07No, no, no, I mean guilt as in golden, not as in, oh, you know,
14:10oh, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault.
14:11What is?
14:12Do you want to come see me for some counselling, you know, to talk about it?
14:16Talk about what?
14:17These feelings of guilt and, well, I suppose low self-esteem.
14:21I don't have any low self-esteem.
14:23Oh, come on, you must have.
14:24No, no, I don't.
14:26Not after my assertive training.
14:27Yeah, that didn't work, did it?
14:28Yes.
14:29Yes, it did.
14:31Mostly.
14:33It's good to talk, Carol.
14:35You can turn things around.
14:37I did.
14:38You could be like me.
14:40Really?
14:42Let's see if we can find something to bend.
14:44Oh, look.
14:44Here's a little water pistol.
14:46Now, something for the twins.
14:49Oh, look at this.
14:51I've been to Gravesend.
14:56Oh, Gravesend.
14:57There used to be a lovely little bistro on the river there called the Lonely Mariner.
15:02I'm sure he had very low self-esteem.
15:05Carol, where's Colleen?
15:06He's gone through to the staff restroom, Mr.
15:07Gordon, I've been to Gravesend.
15:12Have you, my darling?
15:13That was quick.
15:13Oh, look.
15:15This is for you.
15:16I've been to Gravesend.
15:19You've been all the way down to Gravesend to buy me a cigarette case.
15:22You know I don't approve of smoking.
15:24No, no, no, no.
15:25It's a present.
15:26A souvenir.
15:27It's supposed to make you remember.
15:30But I've never smoked, my angel.
15:32Just take it.
15:33Don't be so selfish.
15:35Learn to receive.
15:36Graciously.
15:41What are you doing, Colleen?
15:42I'm timing Gabby, Mr. Brittus.
15:44He told me he had a job to do, but I didn't think it would be this big a job.
15:47He's been in there for 23 minutes.
15:50Colleen?
15:51He's skiving, Mr. Brittus.
15:53According to a recent time and motion study,
15:56the average duration of a bowel movement in this country is 6 minutes, 17 seconds.
16:00Though, of course, there are regional variations due to dietary considerations,
16:04intake of fibre, curry, brussel sprouts and so on.
16:08Colleen.
16:08But 23 minutes is pushing it in anybody's language.
16:12Colleen, while you've been in here, timing what Gavin is doing in there,
16:16officially speaking, no one has been manning the pool.
16:19Tim's supposed to be manning the pool.
16:21I'm afraid to say that, officially speaking, Timothy Whistler does not exist.
16:25What? I saw him less than an hour ago.
16:27Ah, you may have thought you saw him.
16:30I'm with you now, Mr. Brittus.
16:33It's a bit of a philosophical poser, isn't it, eh?
16:36Does Timothy Whistler still exist when I can no longer see that he exists?
16:40It's Dick Hart, isn't it?
16:41No, it's Goebbels.
16:43No, no, no, I'm so much Dick Hart.
16:45I read it on the back of a Weetabix box.
16:47Great thinkers through history.
16:49Seeing is believing.
16:50Take this chair.
16:52Colleen, what are you rabbiting on about?
16:54Your philosophical conundrum, Mr. Brittus.
16:56Now, I can see that this chair exists, but does it still exist if I close my eyes and can
17:03no longer see it?
17:07No, Colleen.
17:08And that's coming out of your wages.
17:10Assume the position!
17:13Sorry about this.
17:14I had to bring Greg down.
17:16You see, he has to go everywhere with me, but that means I have to go everywhere with him, and
17:20he needs to go badly.
17:22Come on, Greg.
17:24Julie, you can't go into the gents with him.
17:26I know that.
17:27We go to the ladies.
17:3424 minutes, 50 seconds.
17:38Bye, Carol.
17:38See you tomorrow.
17:39Well, Linda, before you go, when was it you won Best of Breed?
17:42Sorry?
17:43Which year in the county show?
17:44It was when I was four.
17:46My dog won, not me.
17:48Why?
17:48Well, I'm putting it in the report.
17:50Chapter four.
17:51Little Linda's lurcher is top dog.
17:54Do I really need to know all this?
17:55It's supposed to be a job appraisal.
17:57This is background information.
17:58It's absolutely essential.
17:59If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
18:03Ben, stop it!
18:06It's the water pistol.
18:10Here's your cocoa.
18:12Thank you, my darling.
18:14Oh, it's thank you now, is it?
18:16Huh.
18:17Do I sense a certain atmosphere, my sweet?
18:20I don't think you sense anything.
18:22Sensitivity isn't your strong point, is it, Gordon?
18:28Is this about the cigarette case?
18:30Well, of course it is.
18:32I gave a little present to everyone in the centre today,
18:36giving and receiving.
18:38Everyone except you graciously.
18:40Except you.
18:42I'm sorry, my darling.
18:45I didn't realise it meant so much to you.
18:48I will treasure it.
18:50I will keep it next to my heart.
18:53How could you forget Gravesend?
18:56I've never been to Gravesend.
18:58Oh, no?
18:59So where were you on my birthday two years ago, then?
19:02Two years ago?
19:02Let me see.
19:04Of course!
19:06Management training weekend at Hemel Hempstead, wasn't it?
19:10Oh!
19:14Can I get you some more cocoa, Gordon?
19:16No, thank you, my darling.
19:18I do love you really, you know.
19:21Yes.
19:22I know you do.
19:24I don't deserve you.
19:26I'm such a fool.
19:27I'm always jumping to the wrong conclusions,
19:30always getting things wrong.
19:31No, no, no, no, no, no.
19:34So I'm wrong again?
19:36Pardon?
19:38I bet I got all the other presents wrong, too.
19:40They probably didn't want them.
19:41They were probably just being polite.
19:43Oh, God, I feel so stupid now.
19:46I don't know why I felt the need to give everyone a present anyway.
19:49I expect, my darling, you thought you were doing it for the best.
19:54But remember, you can't buy friendship.
19:58Is that what I was doing?
20:00I remember when I was at school, my darling,
20:03we had one little lad who always carried a bag of sweeties around with him.
20:06And he always gave sweets to all the other boys and girls
20:09because he wanted them to be his friends.
20:12But do you think he could buy their friendship?
20:15No.
20:16No.
20:17It didn't work for me, then.
20:21And it's not going to work for you now.
20:24So, if you never knew your father's name, why the name Whistler?
20:28Oh, well, he was a whistler, you see.
20:30He was a guide, and his whistle was to signal that the coast was clear.
20:33He was East German.
20:34He never came across himself.
20:35No, but your mother came across.
20:37So, so you.
20:39Dad, I've used the sewers myself.
20:42Turn the position!
20:45Get here, rest, Greg.
20:46Heel, sit.
20:48Right, morning all.
20:51Staff performance review time.
20:52I hope you've all got your reports finished
20:54because they're going to help me enormously
20:56with my process re-engineering strategy.
20:58What's that, then?
20:59Any questions?
21:00Yes, what's that, then?
21:01None at all?
21:02Yes, Mr. Griffiths, what's that, then?
21:04What's that, then?
21:05Good question, Gavin.
21:07Process re-engineering strategy.
21:09Create an efficient, lean machine.
21:11I think it's going to make somebody redundant.
21:13Right, Linda, can you have your report on me, please?
21:16I've done one on Tim.
21:17I've done one on you.
21:18It's a belter.
21:19I'm afraid you've been wasting your time, then, haven't you, Linda?
21:22According to the DSS,
21:23we do not have an employee called Timothy Whistler.
21:26Right, Julie, your report on Carol, please.
21:28No, I couldn't be fagged.
21:30I beg your pardon?
21:31I haven't done one.
21:32Julie, this is very bad.
21:34Do you want to make something of it?
21:36No.
21:37No hurry, in your own time.
21:40Gavin.
21:40Oh, it's my writing hand, Mr. Britus.
21:43Yeah.
21:44Colleen, where's your report on Gavin?
21:47Who knows, Mr. Britus?
21:50Sorry?
21:51Does it exist?
21:53Did it ever exist?
21:55Do I exist?
21:56Is life but a dream?
22:00Has he been cleaning out the septic tank again?
22:03Does an object still exist in the room after I have left?
22:06Our old friend, a cat.
22:08Colleen, I just want the flaming report.
22:11Well, that's what I'm trying to tell you, Mr. Britus.
22:12I was finishing my report in the pub last night.
22:15Not a very complimentary one, I must say.
22:18So, if you are looking for redundancies...
22:19Get on with it!
22:21Well, as I say, I was finishing my report, which I put on a table when I had to nip
22:24out for a quick...
22:25For a comfort break.
22:27That's the grace.
22:29And when I got back, the report was gone.
22:31It no longer exists.
22:33Dear car strikes again.
22:36Well, I am appalled.
22:39I am...
22:40A Wally.
22:42I finished mine, Mr. Britus.
22:45I called it Love Conquers All.
22:47It's a heartwarming saga of a young girl's passionate quest for fulfilment through fitness.
22:54Linda's heart swelled with pride and the colour rose in her cheeks as she threw open the doors to the
23:00gymnasium.
23:01What a day to...
23:02What sort of drivel is this, Carol?
23:04I did my best, Mr. Britus.
23:06I thought I'd make it more interesting, you know, more in-depth.
23:09Yeah, well, frankly, Carol, you're out of your depth.
23:12Thank you, Mr. Britus.
23:12Right, what conclusions can we draw from the staff performance review?
23:18That it has been a great success.
23:20Yes, because it has been a total failure.
23:24What a jerk.
23:26It has conclusively demonstrated that we don't have the time to do our everyday jobs and to report on each
23:32other.
23:32We're overworked and understaffed.
23:36Only yesterday there was a potentially life-threatening incident in the pool because it was left unattended.
23:42You pratt.
23:42Which means we have a vacancy for a pool attendant.
23:46Applicants should have a polite personality, previous experience as a lifeguard and be able to prove they exist.
23:55Yeah?
23:56Code 14. Protection TV suspended. Return a base.
23:59OK, Roger.
24:01What was Roger on about?
24:03What, it's Code 14?
24:04They're pleading guilty. You won't be going to court. You don't need protection.
24:08Aw, but I was enjoying myself. It's been fun. And you get served much quicker in the pub when you're
24:13with a gun-toting bodyguard.
24:15The thing is, Mr. Britus, I'm a little bit worried because you haven't actually mentioned your report on me.
24:21Don't worry, Colin. It's generally pretty good. It's hovering between a B-plus and a B-plus-plus.
24:25Oh, bless you, Mr. Britus. I was so nervous. It's such a relief.
24:30Yeah, so I see.
24:33Oh, no, no. That wasn't me, Mr. Britus. I was Ben, the little scamp. Ben and his water pistol.
24:39I took the liberty of confiscating it.
24:43Ow! Ow!
24:44Oh, shut up. What did you do that for?
24:46I've learned to give, I've learned to receive, and now I'm learning to take back what's mine if you don't
24:50mind.
24:51Yes, I've told him to apply.
24:54Mr. Britus, come on. Give.
24:57Sorry. The water pistol, where is it?
24:58Well, Ben had a little accident and Colin took it away.
25:01Well, he had no right to. I'm the one who's learning how to take things away. Where's yours?
25:05My what? The book.
25:07Oh, this. I'm enjoying it, actually. It's really rather good.
25:09Tough luck.
25:10And don't expect Gordon to give you any sweets, either. We don't buy friendship.
25:19Hello. I, er, understand there's a vacancy for a pool attendant.
25:23Indeed. And you are?
25:25Timothy. Timothy Goebbels.
25:27Good, Mr. Goebbels. Very antagonistic one.
25:30Have you done this sort of work before?
25:32Oh, come on, Mr. Britus, you know I have.
25:34Excellent.
25:35Well, Tim, may I call you Tim?
25:37Well, that is my name.
25:37You can't always be sure. I have been caught out in the past.
25:41Well, I'm glad to say you've interviewed very well, Mr. Goebbels. You've got the job.
25:45As simple as that?
25:46Yes. Well, in fact, no. Because, you see, you're German, aren't you?
25:49No, my mother was German.
25:51You are, in fact, a euro import.
25:54Now, council regulations mean I won't be employing you, but I'll be buying in your services.
26:00Sorry?
26:00And as a freelance, I won't be able to pay you the same wage.
26:04Yeah, that figures.
26:04No, I'll be paying you quite a lot more.
26:07Really?
26:08In Deutschmarks.
26:09You see, as a contracts employee, you come from a different part of the budget.
26:14You're an EC acquisition, alternative services.
26:18Paying you more represents a considerable saving.
26:21It's called creative accountancy.
26:22Sorry, I don't understand.
26:24I'm not surprised. It's a full weekend course.
26:27Anyway, Timothy, welcome to Whitbury Newtale Lessons Centre.
26:30I've got most of them back, and I don't think I've got a single friend left in the building.
26:34Is that all right, Gordon?
26:35I've just got to find Colin now.
26:37Oh, Julie.
26:38Yeah?
26:39These flowers have arrived for you, and this letter.
26:42Oh, Greg, it's another one. I'm not out of the woods yet.
26:45Oh, God.
26:46Another threat?
26:47You're going to be mine forever.
26:49Please marry me, your little lamb chop.
26:53And...
26:53You all make sense now. What a book.
26:56I'll get you in the end, make my day.
26:58Is Alex proposing again?
27:00It's been him all along.
27:02How nice.
27:03Love conquers...
27:04You don't have to go just yet, do you?
27:06You know, cos there could be other people trying to kill me,
27:08but they just don't bother to write.
27:10You'll love it to you, Tim. I know I do.
27:12This place is my life.
27:14Go on, give it to him.
27:15Ah, Mr. Bitters, here's the gun and shoot her.
27:18Ah!
27:21Oh, god!
27:23Oh, god!
27:33Look at what you've done.
27:35You did a present for my wife, you vandal.
27:38He's ruined it, darling.
27:40It saved your life. I've been to Gravesend.
27:46Oh, I'm glad you did, man.
27:49Colleen! Are you all right?
27:51Fine, thank you, Mr Brittus. I've just been shot through the head, that's all.
27:55It's a ricochet, a mere flesh wound. I'll be back to work on Monday.
27:59I'll let the side down when we're understaffed, eh?
28:01Good man, Colleen. I'll put it in your report.
28:04Thank you, Mr Brittus.
28:05May I say, it's an honour to share the same bullet with you.
28:35Good man.
28:37Good man.
28:58Thank you, sir.
29:01Happy birthday.olis
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