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00:28PIANO PLAYS
00:37Well, Mrs Miggins, at last we can return to sanity.
00:41The hustings are over, the bunting is down, the mad hysteria is at an end.
00:46After the chaos of a general election, we can return to normal.
00:49Has there been a general election, then, Mr Blackadder?
00:52Indeed there has, Mrs Miggins.
00:54Well, I never heard about it.
00:56Of course you didn't. You're not eligible to vote.
00:57Why not?
00:58Because virtually no-one is.
01:00Women, peasants, chimpanzees, lunatics, lords...
01:07That's not true. Lord Nelson's got a vote.
01:09He's got a boat, Boris.
01:12Marvellous thing, democracy. Look in Manchester.
01:15Population 60,000, electoral roll 3.
01:18Well, I may have a brain the size of a sultana...
01:22Correct.
01:22But it hardly seems fair to me.
01:25Well, of course it's not fair.
01:26And a damn good thing, too.
01:28Give the like of Baldrick the vote, and we'll be back to cavorting druids, death by stoning, and dung for
01:33dinner.
01:34Oh, I'm having dung for dinner tonight.
01:37So, who are they electing when they have these elections?
01:40Oh, the same old shah.
01:42Fat Tory landowners who get made MPs when they reach a certain weight.
01:47Raving revolutionaries who think that just because they do a day's work, that somehow gives them the right to get
01:51paid.
01:52Basically, it's a right old mess.
01:54Toffs at the top, plebs at the bottom, and me in the middle making a fat pile of cash out
01:58of them.
01:59Well, you've got to watch out, Mr Blackadder.
02:01Things are bound to change.
02:03Not while pit the elders, Prime Minister, they aren't.
02:06He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.
02:11As long as his feet are warm and he gets a nice cup of milky tea in the sun before
02:15his morning nap,
02:16he doesn't bother anyone until his potty needs emptying.
02:19To all members of the House of Commons, I call upon the new Prime Minister of Great Britain and her
02:24empires,
02:25Mr William Pitt, the younger.
02:28Mr Speaker, members of the House, I shall be brief,
02:32as I have, rather unfortunately, become Prime Minister right in the middle of my exams.
02:39I look forward to fulfilling my duty in a manner of which Nanny would be proud.
02:44I shall introduce legislation to utterly destroy three enemies of the state.
02:49The first is that evil dictator, Napoleon Bonaparte.
02:55The second is my old geography master, Banana Breath's Quickshanks.
03:02But most of all, sirs, I intend to pursue that utter slob, the Prince of Wales.
03:08Why, this year alone, he has spent £15,000 on banqueting.
03:16£20,000 on perfume.
03:20And most astonishingly of all, an astonishing £59,000 on socks.
03:29Therefore, my three main policy priorities are,
03:34one, war with France.
03:37Two, tougher sentences for geography teachers.
03:41And three, a right-world kick of the Prince's backside.
03:47I now call upon the leader of the Opposition to test me on my Latin vocab.
03:55Sir, if I may make so bold, a major crisis has arisen in your affairs.
03:59Yes, I know, Blackadder. I've been pondering it all morning.
04:02You have, sir?
04:03Yes. Socks. Run out again.
04:06Why is it that no matter how many millions of pairs of socks I buy,
04:10I never seem to have any?
04:11Sir, with your forgiveness, there is another, even weightier problem.
04:14They just disappear.
04:17Honestly, you'd think someone was coming in here,
04:19stealing the damn things and then selling them off.
04:26Impossible, sir.
04:27Only you and I have access to your socks.
04:30Yes, yes, you're right still.
04:31For me, socks are like sex.
04:34Tons of it about, and I never seem to get any.
04:37Sir, if I may return to this very urgent matter.
04:40I read fearful news in this morning's paper.
04:42Oh, no.
04:43Not another little cat caught up in a tree.
04:46No, sir.
04:47There is a vote afoot in the new Parliament
04:49to strike you from the civil list.
04:51Oh, yes, yes, yes.
04:52But what are they going to do about my socks?
04:54Sir, if this bill goes through,
04:55you won't have any socks.
04:57Well, I haven't got any socks at the moment.
04:58Or trousers, shirts, waistcoats or pantaloons.
05:01They're going to bankrupt you.
05:04They can't do that.
05:06Why, the public love me.
05:07Only the other day I was out in the street
05:09and they sang,
05:10We hail Prince George!
05:12We hail Prince George!
05:13We hate Prince George.
05:15We hate Prince George.
05:17Is it...
05:18I fear so, sir.
05:19However, all is not lost.
05:21Fortunately, the numbers in the Commons
05:23are exactly equal.
05:24If we can get one more MP to support us,
05:26then you're safe.
05:27Hurrah!
05:29Any ideas?
05:30Well, yes, sir.
05:31There is one man
05:32who might just be the ace of our sleeve.
05:34A rather crusty, loud-mouthed ace
05:36named Sir Talbot Buxomley.
05:39Never heard of him.
05:40That's hardly surprising, sir.
05:42Sir Talbot has the worst attendance record
05:43of any Member of Parliament.
05:45On the one occasion he did enter the House of Commons,
05:47he passed water in the Great Hall
05:49and then passed out in the Speaker's chair.
05:52But if we can get him to support us,
05:54then we are safe.
05:55Well, what's he like?
05:56Well, according to Who's Who,
05:58his interests include flogging servants,
06:01shooting poor people,
06:02and the extension of slavery
06:04to anyone who hasn't got a knighthood.
06:07Excellent!
06:08Sensible policies for a happier Briton.
06:10However, if we're going to get him to support us,
06:13he will need some sort of incentive.
06:15Hmm. Anything in mind?
06:17Well, you could appoint him a High Court judge.
06:19Is he qualified?
06:20He's a violent, bigoted, mindless old fool.
06:24Sounds a bit overqualified.
06:26Well, get him here at once!
06:28Certainly, sir.
06:29I will return before you can say
06:30anti-disestablishmentarianism.
06:33Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that.
06:35Anti-dis-tiblitz-min...
06:37Anti-mistil-instit...
06:39Anti-stit...
06:43Anti-distinctly-minty-moniturism.
06:45Sir Talbot Buxomly, MP.
06:47Ah!
06:49Buxomly!
06:50Roaringly splendid to have you here.
06:51How are you, sir?
06:52Absolutely well, Your Highness.
06:53I dined hugely off as servants
06:55before I come into town.
06:57Um, you eat your servants?
06:59Oh, sir.
07:00I eat off them.
07:01Why should I spend good money on tables
07:02when I have men standing idle?
07:05Why, indeed.
07:06Now, I dare say you've heard of Mr Pitt's intentions.
07:08Young scallywag!
07:10Ah, so you don't approve of his plans
07:12to abolish me, then?
07:13I do not, sir.
07:14Damn his eyes.
07:15Damn his britches.
07:16Damn his duck-bond.
07:18Oh, hurrah for that!
07:19I cannot adjot that you are the son
07:21of a certified sauerkraut-sucking loon.
07:24Oh, thank you, sir.
07:24It minds not me
07:26that you dress like a mad parrot
07:27and talk like a plate of beans
07:29negotiating their way
07:31out of a cow's digestive system.
07:33It is no skin off my rosy nose
07:36that there are bits of lemon peel
07:38floating down the Thames
07:39that would make better regents than you.
07:41Well, bravo.
07:41The fact is,
07:42you are regents.
07:44Yes, I am.
07:44Appointed by God,
07:45and I shall stick by you forever,
07:47though infirmity lay me waste
07:49and ill health curse
07:50my every waking moment.
07:53Well, good on you, sir.
07:55And don't talk to me about infirmity.
07:57Why, sir,
07:58you are the hardy stock
07:59that is the core of Britain's greatness.
08:02You have the physique of a demigod,
08:04purple of cheek
08:05and plump of fetlock,
08:07the shapely ankle
08:08and the well-filled trouser
08:10that tells of a human body
08:11in perfect working order.
08:14He's dead, sir.
08:16Dead?
08:17Yes, Your Highness.
08:19Oh, what bad luck.
08:21We were rather getting on.
08:22We must move at once.
08:23In which direction?
08:24Sir Talbot represented
08:26the constituency of Dunning on the World.
08:28And by an extraordinary stroke of luck,
08:30it is a rotten borough.
08:32Really?
08:33Is it?
08:34Well,
08:36lucky, lucky us.
08:38Lucky, lucky, luck.
08:40Luck, luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:43Luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:45Luck, luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:46Luck, luck, luck, luck.
08:54You don't know what a rotten borough is, do you, sir?
08:58No.
08:59So what was the chicken impression in Adolf?
09:01Well, I just didn't want to hurt your feelings.
09:04Um, so, what is a robber button?
09:06A rotten borough.
09:08A rotten borough, sir, is a constituency
09:10where the owner of the land corruptly controls
09:12both the voters and the MP.
09:15Good.
09:16Yes.
09:17And a robber button is?
09:18Could we leave that for a minute?
09:20Down here on the World,
09:21there's a tuppany-hapenny place.
09:23Half an acre of sodden marshland
09:24in the Suffolk Fens
09:25with an empty town hall on it.
09:27Population,
09:28three rather mangy cows,
09:30a dachshund named Colin.
09:33And a small hen
09:34in its late 40s.
09:38So,
09:39no people at all, then?
09:41Apart from Colin.
09:43Colin is a dog.
09:46Only one actual person lives there.
09:48And he is the voter.
09:49Well, right.
09:50So, what's the plan?
09:50We must buy Dunny on the World at once
09:53and thus control the voter.
09:55I shall need a thousand pounds.
09:57Thousand pounds?
09:58I thought you said it was a
10:00tuppany-hapenny place.
10:01Well, yes, sir.
10:02The land will cost tuppence-hapenny,
10:04but there are many other factors
10:05to be considered.
10:06Stamp duty,
10:07window tax,
10:09swamp insurance,
10:11hen food,
10:12dog biscuits,
10:13cow and hunt.
10:14The expenses are endless.
10:15Fine.
10:16Well, the money's in my desk.
10:17No, sir.
10:17It's in my wallet.
10:20Oh, splendid.
10:21No time to lose, eh?
10:22My thoughts precisely.
10:23The only question is
10:24who to choose as MP.
10:26Oh, tricky.
10:27What we need
10:28is an utter unknown,
10:29yet someone over whom
10:30we have complete power.
10:31A man with no mind,
10:33with no ideas of his own.
10:35One might almost say
10:36a man with no brain.
10:40Any thoughts?
10:41Yes, your highness.
10:43Yes, your highness.
10:47Rang, my lord.
10:48Meet the new member of parliament
10:49for Dunny on the World.
10:52But he's an absolute arsehead.
10:55Precisely, sir.
10:56Our slogan shall be
10:57a rotten candidate
10:59for a rotten borough.
11:01Warwick,
11:02I want you to go back
11:03to your kitchen sink,
11:04you see,
11:04and prepare for government.
11:08Right, now,
11:09all we have to do
11:10is fill in this MP application form.
11:14Name,
11:16first name?
11:18I'm not sure.
11:19You must have some idea.
11:22Well, it might be sod off.
11:26What?
11:27Well, when I used to play
11:29in the gutter,
11:30I used to say to the other snipes,
11:31hello, my name's Baldrick,
11:33and they'd say,
11:34yes, we know,
11:35sod off Baldrick.
11:37All right, right, right, right, right.
11:39Mr S. Baldrick.
11:41Now, distinguishing features,
11:43none.
11:44Well, I've got this
11:45big growth
11:46in the middle of my face.
11:47That's your nose, Baldrick.
11:49Now, any history
11:51of insanity
11:51in the family?
11:53Tell me what,
11:54I'll cross out the in.
11:55Any history
11:56of sanity
11:57in the family?
11:59None whatsoever.
12:02Now, the criminal record?
12:03Absolutely not.
12:05Oh, come on, Baldrick,
12:06you're going to be an MP,
12:07for God's sake.
12:08I'll just put
12:09fraud and sexual deviance.
12:13Now,
12:15minimum bribe level?
12:17One turnip.
12:19Oh, hang on,
12:19I don't want to price myself
12:20out of the market.
12:23Baldrick,
12:23I've always been meaning to ask,
12:24do you have any ambitions in life
12:26apart from the acquisition
12:27of turnips?
12:29No.
12:30So, what would you do
12:31if I gave you
12:32a thousand pounds?
12:33I'd get a little turnip
12:34of my own.
12:36So, what would you do
12:37if I gave you
12:38a million pounds?
12:39Oh, that's different.
12:40I'd get a great big turnip
12:41in the country.
12:44Oh, God, I'll get that.
12:45Here, sign here.
12:55Your Highness Pitch the Younger.
12:57Why, hello there,
12:59young shaver, me lad.
13:01I say, here's fun.
13:02I've a shiny sixpence here
13:04for the clever fellow
13:04who can tell me
13:05which hand it's in.
13:07Huh?
13:09Oh, school, school.
13:11On half holes, is it?
13:12Yeah, I bet you can't wait
13:13to get back
13:13and get that bat in your hand
13:14and give those balls
13:15a good walloping, eh?
13:18Mr. Pitt is the Prime Minister, sir.
13:21Oh, go on.
13:22Is he?
13:23What, young snotty here?
13:25I'd rather have a runny nose
13:27than a runny brain.
13:28Eh?
13:30Um, excuse me, Prime Minister,
13:32but we do have some lovely jelly
13:33in the pantry.
13:34I don't know if you'd be
13:35interested at all.
13:36Don't patronise me,
13:37you lower middle class
13:38yobbo.
13:40What flavour is it?
13:42Blackcurrant.
13:43Eugh!
13:44I say, blackcurrant,
13:45are you sure this is the PM?
13:46Seems like a bit of an oily
13:47tick to me.
13:49When I was at school,
13:49we used to line up
13:50four or five of his sort,
13:51make them bend over
13:52and use them as a toast rack.
13:54Don't surprise me, sir.
13:55I know your sort.
13:58Once, it was I
13:59who stood in a big,
14:00cold schoolroom,
14:01a hot crumpet
14:02burning my cheeks
14:03with shame.
14:05Since that day,
14:06I've been busy
14:07every hour God sends
14:08working to become
14:09Prime Minister
14:10and fight smooth
14:11and privilege
14:12wherever I've found it.
14:13I trust you weren't too busy
14:14to remove the crumpet.
14:17You will regret this,
14:18gentlemen.
14:19You think you can
14:20fault my plans
14:21to bankrupt the prince
14:22by fixing the
14:23dunny-on-the-world
14:23by-election.
14:24But you will be thrashed.
14:26I intend to put up
14:28my own brother
14:28as a candidate
14:29against you.
14:30Oh, and which pit
14:31would this be?
14:32Pit the toddler?
14:35Pit the embryo?
14:39Pit the glint
14:40in the milkman's eye?
14:44Sirs,
14:45if I take the Chancellor
14:46Metternich
14:46at the Congress
14:47of Strasbourg,
14:48poo to you
14:49with knobs on,
14:50we shall meet,
14:51sirs,
14:51on the hustings.
14:54I say,
14:54Blackhead,
14:55what a ghastly squirt.
14:56He's not going to win,
14:57is he?
14:58No, sir,
14:58because firstly,
14:59we shall fight this campaign
15:00on issues,
15:01not personalities.
15:02Secondly,
15:03we shall be the only
15:04fresh thing on the menu.
15:06And thirdly,
15:07of course,
15:08we'll cheat.
15:10Good evening
15:11and welcome
15:11to the dunny-on-the-world
15:13by-election.
15:15The first thing
15:16I must tell you
15:16is that the turnout
15:17has been very good.
15:18As a matter of fact,
15:19the voter turned out
15:20before breakfast.
15:21And I can bring you
15:22the result
15:23of our exclusive
15:23exit poll,
15:25which produced
15:26a 100% result
15:27for
15:29Mind Your Own Business,
15:30You Nosy Bastard.
15:33Mr. Hanner,
15:34are you going to talk
15:35to any of the candidates?
15:36I certainly am,
15:37and I can see
15:38Prince George,
15:39who is leader
15:40of what has become
15:41known as the Adder Party.
15:42Prince George,
15:43who is described
15:44in his party news sheet
15:46as a great moral
15:47and spiritual leader
15:48of the nation,
15:49but is described
15:50by almost everyone else
15:51as a fat,
15:52flatulent git.
15:54Prince George,
15:56hello.
15:57Good evening.
15:57And good evening, Colin.
16:00How do you see
16:00your prospects
16:01in this campaign?
16:02Well, first,
16:03I'd like a word
16:04about the disgraceful
16:05circumstances in which
16:06this election arose.
16:07We paid for this seat,
16:08and I think it's
16:09a damn liberty
16:09we should have to
16:10stand for it as well.
16:11And another thing,
16:12why is it that no matter
16:13how many pairs of socks
16:14a man buys,
16:15he never seems to have enough?
16:16Fighting words
16:17from the Prince Regent.
16:18And now let's have a word
16:19from the Adder Party
16:20candidate,
16:21Mr. S. Baldrick,
16:23who so far has not...
16:26So far has not commented
16:27upon his policies
16:28in this campaign,
16:29but with him
16:30is his election agent,
16:31Mr. E. Blackadder.
16:33Well, we in the Adder Party
16:35are going to fight
16:35this campaign
16:36on issues,
16:37not personalities.
16:38Why is that?
16:39Because our candidate
16:40doesn't have a personality.
16:43He hasn't said much
16:44about the issues either.
16:45No, he's got something
16:46wrong with his throat.
16:48Well, if he could answer
16:49one question,
16:49what does the S
16:50in his name stand for?
16:51Sod off.
16:53Okay, now for none
16:54of my business, really.
16:56Now it's time,
16:57I think, for a result,
16:58and tension is running
16:59very high here.
17:01Mr. Blackadder assures me
17:03that this will be
17:03the first honest vote
17:04ever in a rotten borough,
17:06and I think we all hope
17:07for a result which reflects
17:08the real needs
17:09of the constituency.
17:10And behind me,
17:11yes, I can just see
17:12the returning officer
17:13moving to the front
17:14of the platform.
17:15As the acting
17:16returning officer
17:17for the world.
17:19The acting returning
17:20officer, Mr. E. Blackadder,
17:22of course,
17:23and we're all very grateful
17:24indeed that he stepped
17:25in at the last minute
17:26when the previous
17:26returning officer
17:27accidentally,
17:28brutally stabbed himself
17:29in the stomach
17:30while shaving.
17:32I now announce
17:33the number of votes
17:34cast as follows.
17:36Brigadier General
17:37Horace Bolton.
17:38Keep royalty white
17:39rat catching
17:40and safe sewage
17:40residence party.
17:42No votes.
17:48Iver,
17:48jesty,
17:49not Madam Biggan.
17:50Standing at the back
17:51dressed stupidly
17:52and looking stupid
17:53party.
17:54No votes.
17:55Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
17:57Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:03Pit the even younger
18:05wig.
18:06No votes.
18:07Oh, there's a shock.
18:11Mr. S. Baldrick.
18:13Adder party.
18:1416,472.
18:21And there you have it.
18:23Victory for the Adder party.
18:24A sensational swing
18:26against the wigs.
18:27I'll just try
18:27and get a final word
18:28with some of the candidates
18:29as they come up
18:30from the stage.
18:31Master William Pitt,
18:33the even younger.
18:33Are you disappointed?
18:35Yes, I'm horrified.
18:37Smeared my opponent,
18:38bribed the press
18:39to be on my side
18:40and threatened
18:40to talk to the electorate
18:41if we lost.
18:43Failed to see
18:43what more a decent
18:44politician could have done.
18:45Quite.
18:45Now, Iver,
18:46no votes at all
18:48for the standing
18:49at the back
18:49dressed stupidly
18:50and looking stupid
18:51party.
18:51Are you disappointed?
18:52No, not really.
18:54No, I always say,
18:55if you can't laugh,
18:56what can you do?
18:57Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:59Take up politics, perhaps.
19:01Has your party
19:02got any policies?
19:03Oh, yeah, certainly.
19:04We're for the compulsory
19:05serving of asparagus
19:07at breakfast,
19:08free corsets
19:09for the under fives
19:10and the abolition
19:11of slavery.
19:12You see,
19:12many moderate people
19:13would respect
19:14your stand on asparagus,
19:15but what about
19:15this extremist nonsense
19:17about abolishing slavery?
19:19Oh, we just put that
19:19in for a joke.
19:20See you next year.
19:23And now, finally,
19:25a word with the man
19:26who is at the centre
19:27of this by-election mystery,
19:28the voter himself.
19:30And his name is
19:31Mr E. Black...
19:36Mr Blackadder,
19:37you are the only voter
19:38in this rotten borough.
19:39Yes, that's right.
19:41How long have you lived
19:42in this constituency?
19:44Since Wednesday morning.
19:45I took over
19:47from the previous electorate
19:48when he very sadly
19:49accidentally,
19:49brutally cut his head off
19:51while combing his hair.
19:54One voter
19:5716,472 votes.
19:59A slight anomaly?
20:00Not really, Mr Hanna.
20:02You see,
20:02Mr Baldrick may look
20:03like a monkey
20:04who's been put in a suit
20:06and then strategically shaved,
20:07but he is a brilliant politician.
20:09The number of votes
20:10I cast
20:10is simply a reflection
20:11of how firmly
20:12I believe in his policies.
20:14Well, that's excellent.
20:15Well, that's all for me.
20:17Another great day
20:18for democracy
20:18in our country.
20:20Vincent Hanna,
20:20Country Gentleman's
20:21Pig Fertiliser Gazette,
20:23Dunny on the World.
20:25We are reprieved.
20:26It is a triumph
20:28for stupidity
20:28over common sense.
20:30Thank you very much.
20:31As a reward,
20:31Balrick,
20:32take a short holiday.
20:33Did you enjoy it?
20:35Right.
20:38Will the honourable members
20:39please cast their votes,
20:41aye or nay,
20:42for the striking
20:42of the Prince Regent
20:43off the civil list?
20:46Excuse me.
20:47Excuse me.
20:49Excuse me!
20:51Hello, little chubby.
20:52You're a new bug.
20:53Yeah, I don't know
20:54anyone here
20:55and I support the Prince
20:56and I don't know how to vote.
20:57Well, we can soon
20:58change all of that,
20:59can't we?
21:00Come along with me.
21:02Oh, thanks.
21:07Well, well, well,
21:08if it isn't
21:09the Lord Privy Toast Rack.
21:12Pull up a muffin.
21:13Sit yourself down.
21:15You don't like me,
21:16do you,
21:16Mr Blackadder?
21:17Well,
21:18nobody likes
21:19a loser.
21:20Oh,
21:21then that must be
21:21why nobody likes you.
21:23What?
21:24You lost the vote.
21:25Your monkey
21:26obligingly voted for us.
21:28Oh, God, no.
21:30If you want something
21:31done properly,
21:33kill Baldrick
21:33before you start.
21:35You're beaten, Ike,
21:37and you and your
21:37disgusting master
21:38have 24 hours
21:39to get out.
21:4024 hours
21:41is a long time
21:42in politics.
21:43Good night.
21:44There is just
21:45one thing
21:45before I go.
21:49I've got this sort of
21:50downy hair
21:51developing on my chest.
21:52Is that normal?
21:53Also,
21:54I get so lonely
21:55and confused.
21:56I've written a poem
21:58about it.
21:58Maybe you'll understand.
22:00Why do nice girls
22:01hate me?
22:02Why do...
22:03Oh, get out,
22:03you nauseating adolescent.
22:04Oh, shit.
22:05Piss.
22:07Oh, God.
22:13How could I have
22:15been so stupid?
22:17Goodbye,
22:18millionaires row.
22:19Hello,
22:19room 12
22:20of the Budley-Salterton
22:22twilight rest home
22:23for the terminally
22:24short of cash.
22:26There's a thing
22:27you once dreamed
22:28you'd end up
22:28in the House of Lords.
22:30What?
22:31The House of Lords.
22:32Of course,
22:33I forgot about
22:33the House of Lords.
22:35The Lords
22:35will never let
22:36the bill through.
22:37Every man-jack of them
22:38will be behind
22:39the prince.
22:39Oh, hurrah!
22:40Right,
22:41take Balnik off the spit.
22:42Hurrah.
22:44I've got a plan
22:45so cunning
22:46you could put a tail
22:47on it
22:47and call it a weasel.
22:52Ta-da!
22:55Oi,
22:56tally-ho,
22:57Blackadder.
22:58You look as happy
22:59as a man who thought
23:00a cat had done
23:01its business on his pie,
23:02but it turned out
23:02to be an extra big
23:03blackberry.
23:07Did our plan go well?
23:09Excellently, sir.
23:10Order a thousand pairs
23:11of finest cotton socks.
23:13Take out the drawings
23:14for that beach hut
23:15at Brighton.
23:15Hurrah!
23:16There was, however,
23:18one slight
23:20hiccup.
23:22No,
23:23cough,
23:23I think you mean.
23:26That's all.
23:28Hiccup.
23:29The motion
23:30about your impoverishment
23:31has now moved on
23:32to the House of Lords.
23:33Oh, bravo!
23:34Well, no worry there
23:35that every man-jack of them
23:37will be behind me.
23:38Ah,
23:39would that were so,
23:40Your Highness.
23:40These are treacherous times.
23:42Are they?
23:43Yes,
23:44it might be wise
23:44to appoint a new lord
23:46to make sure the old lords
23:47vote the right way.
23:48Good thought.
23:50New lord.
23:51Any idea who?
23:53Well, sir,
23:54one name does
23:55leap to mine.
23:58Does it?
23:59Yes, sir.
24:00Couldn't make it leap
24:00any higher, could you?
24:03A young man
24:04in your service, sir,
24:05who has done sterling work
24:06matching the political
24:07machinations
24:08of the evil pit.
24:12Oh, of course!
24:14Blackadder!
24:15Oh, how can I ever
24:16thank you enough?
24:17And it might also
24:18be worth bribing
24:19a few lords
24:20just to make sure
24:20that they vote
24:21the way their consciences
24:22tell them.
24:23Well, how many
24:23should we bribe,
24:24do you think?
24:24Oh, I think 300,
24:26to be sure.
24:27And 1,000 pounds each.
24:31300,000 pounds?
24:33400,000.
24:34I think you'll find them.
24:37Yes, yes, you're right.
24:38Well, thank God
24:40I've got you
24:40to advise me, Bladdon.
24:42Just remind me,
24:42what do I have to do
24:43to appoint this
24:44Lord Chappie?
24:45Oh, it's very simple, sir.
24:46You put on
24:47your robes of state,
24:49he puts on his.
24:51Then you sign
24:52the document
24:52of ennoblement
24:53and dispatch him
24:54at once
24:54to the House of Lords.
24:56Excellent.
24:56I shall change immediately.
24:58And so, sir,
24:59shall I.
25:01Excellent.
25:03Voila, Mrs. Miggins.
25:05My robes of state.
25:071,000 pounds
25:08well spent,
25:09I think.
25:09Oh, very nice.
25:13Oh, it's real cat,
25:15isn't it?
25:16This is not cat,
25:17Mrs. Miggins.
25:18This is finest
25:19leather-trimmed ermine
25:20with gold
25:21medallion accessories.
25:23Oh, go on,
25:23Mr. Blackadder.
25:24It's cat.
25:26Oh, look.
25:27They've left
25:27the little collars on.
25:31Mr. Frisky.
25:33If found,
25:35please return
25:35to Emma Hamilton
25:36Marine Parade
25:37Portsmouth.
25:39Oh, well.
25:40Who cares about
25:41a dead cat
25:41now that I'm
25:42a fat cat?
25:43Oh, you're full
25:43of yourself today,
25:44Mr. B.
25:45Which is more
25:45than can be said
25:46from Mr. Frisky.
25:49My lords.
25:51My lords.
25:53I'm sorry, sir?
25:55My lords.
25:56There is more
25:57than one lord
25:57in the vicinity.
25:58Oh, well.
25:59Yes, obviously.
26:00Will you please
26:01welcome,
26:01his grace,
26:03the Lord Baldrick.
26:13You made
26:16Baldrick a lord?
26:18Oh, yes.
26:19One who has
26:20recently done
26:20sterling work
26:21matching the
26:22political machinations
26:22of the evil pit.
26:24Good old Lord Baldrick.
26:25It's all right,
26:26Blackadder.
26:26You don't have
26:27to curtsy or anything.
26:29Sir,
26:30might I let loose
26:31a short,
26:31violent exclamation?
26:33Oh, why, certainly.
26:34Damn!
26:35Thanks, sir.
26:37I say,
26:38that's a bit of a
26:38strange get-up
26:39you've got there,
26:39isn't it, Blackadder?
26:40Yes, I'm just off
26:41to a fancy dress party.
26:43I'm going as
26:44Lady Hamilton's pussy.
26:51There's just one question, sir.
26:53About the 400,000
26:55to influence the lords.
26:57Oh, yes.
26:57I gave that
26:58to Lord Baldrick.
26:59Oh, no.
27:01Sir,
27:02might I be permitted
27:03to take Lord Baldrick
27:04downstairs
27:04to give him
27:05some instruction
27:06in his lordly duties?
27:08I think that's
27:08a splendid idea.
27:09This way,
27:11my lord.
27:18Give me the bloody money,
27:20Baldrick,
27:20or you're dead.
27:21Give me the bloody money,
27:22Baldrick,
27:23or you're dead,
27:23my lord.
27:26Just do it,
27:27Baldrick.
27:27Otherwise,
27:28I shall further
27:29ennoble you
27:29by knighting you
27:30rather clumsily
27:31with this meat cleaver.
27:33I've got it.
27:34What?
27:35I spent it.
27:36You spent it?
27:38What could you
27:39possibly spend
27:40400,000 pounds on?
27:46Oh.
27:48Oh, God,
27:50don't tell me.
27:51My dream turnip.
27:54Oh, look,
27:55how did you manage
27:55to find a turnip
27:57that cost
27:57400,000 pounds?
28:00Well,
28:00I had to haggle.
28:05This is the worst moment
28:06of my entire life.
28:08I spent my last penny
28:11on a cat-skin wind cheater.
28:14I'd just broken
28:15a priceless turnip.
28:18And now I'm about
28:19to be viciously slaughtered
28:21by a naked
28:22Tunisian sock merchant.
28:25All I can say,
28:26Baldrick,
28:27is this.
28:27It's the last time
28:29I'd double in politics.
28:31LAUGHTER
28:45MUSIC PLAYS
29:08Black Adder
29:11Black Adder
29:13Black Adder
29:18Ah!
29:20Adam.
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