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00:28I'll see you next time.
00:36G.F. Gavin Featherly.
00:40Much as I hate to say this, I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.
00:44And it's all your fault, British. If it hadn't been for you, Gavin would still be alive.
00:56Oh, there you are, Gavin. Been looking for you everywhere.
00:58I'm sorry, Mr. British. I'm just using Julie's tape recorder.
01:02Staff meeting in five minutes, please.
01:04Right.
01:06That's rather nice. What is it?
01:08It's Tibetan Chimes, Mr. British. It's a relaxation tape that Mrs. British lent me.
01:12She said at our last counselling session I needed to relax more.
01:15You see, I've been a bit depressed recently.
01:18Have you? Oh, dear.
01:22Hang on, there are two tapes there.
01:25Yes, that's because I'm recording it.
01:27You're recording the tape Mrs. British lent you?
01:30Well, yes, that way I'll have a copy of my own.
01:32I cannot believe I'm hearing this, Gavin.
01:35What?
01:36A member of my own staff openly committing a crime on the premises?
01:40Sorry.
01:42My office, please, Gavin.
01:45Come on, sit down, please.
01:47Yes, Mr. British.
01:48Now, what does it say on that box?
01:51Unauthorised duplication is a violation of applicable laws.
01:54Precisely.
01:55Everybody does it, Mr. British.
01:57If everyone went around killing people, Gavin, would that make it any less of a crime?
02:01Well, no, but...
02:03Now, I want you to do the only decent thing.
02:05What's that?
02:06Confess.
02:07What?
02:08I want you to write to this record company...
02:13..and tell them that you've made illicit recordings.
02:16You are joking, Mr. British.
02:18No, I'm not.
02:19I want you to clear your conscience, Gavin.
02:22As my acting senior deputy manager, it's up to you to set an example.
02:28Yes, Mr. British.
02:30Right.
02:31Item number 28.
02:33The staff weekend away.
02:35Do we have to go?
02:36Yes, we do, Julie.
02:38As I've said before, the staff weekend away is an excellent opportunity for us to bond together in a non
02:44-work environment.
02:45So where are we going this year?
02:46New York?
02:47Paris.
02:47Room?
02:48Burbage on Sea.
02:50Oh, not again.
02:51We went there last year, Mr. British.
02:53And the year before.
02:55Burbage on Sea is a good, honest...
02:58Boring.
03:00Beautiful English resort, Julie.
03:02Right, now, the rooming arrangements.
03:04I've spoken to Mrs. McGinty.
03:06I'm afraid she can only provide six guest rooms this year.
03:09So, Tim, I was wondering if it was possible for you to share with Gavin, especially...
03:15especially as he's feeling a little bit depressed at the moment.
03:18He could probably do with the company.
03:21Yes, I can grin and bear it, Mr. British.
03:23Good.
03:24Right.
03:24Now, we leave after work on Friday, which gives you plenty of time to think about what to take with
03:29you.
03:30But just in case, I've drawn up my usual checklist.
03:34There it is.
03:35Anorak, warm cardi, spare sink plug.
03:38I'm sorry, Mr. British.
03:39I've been having a bit of trouble with my lilo.
03:41Sit down, please, Colin.
03:43I'd be pleased to know that I've got it working again, and as far as I'm aware...
03:46Thank you, Colin.
03:47It is the only lilo in the world powered exclusively by potatoes.
03:52Sit down, please, Colin.
03:55Right.
03:56Spare sink plug.
03:59Potatoes?
04:01You just stick the potatoes in like this.
04:04You mean it actually runs on potatoes.
04:05That's right, Gavin.
04:07King Edwards are, generally speaking, the best.
04:09You get about 70 miles to the pound from them.
04:12Amazing, Colin.
04:13The first totally ecologically sound motorboat.
04:15Lilo, Linda.
04:16I prefer the word lilo.
04:18It has a gentler sound.
04:20I like to think you can lie back and relax as it cruises gently across the ocean.
04:38That thing is lethal, Colin.
04:40It must have been the Murray's papers, Mr. British.
04:46Right, quick as you can, everyone, please.
04:49Timothy.
04:51Come on.
04:54Daryl, what's all this?
04:55It's my luggage, Miss Brits.
04:57You're going away for the weekend, not emigrating.
04:59Yes, Miss Brits.
05:00Right, come on.
05:01Mr. British, can I have a word, please, Mr. British?
05:03Not now, Gavin.
05:04We're running late, this is.
05:05Miss Brits, this just came in the post.
05:07It's from the record company.
05:08The one you told me to write to.
05:10Dear Mr. Featherly, thank you for your letter.
05:13As you know, the duplication of pre-recorded material without prior consent is strictly prohibited
05:18under the Copyright Act of 1951.
05:21We therefore require the standard penalty payment to...
05:24Yes, it's £10,000, Mr. British.
05:26They're doing me £10,000 for British copyright.
05:29Oh, dear.
05:30But what am I going to do?
05:31You'll just have to pay it, Gavin Featherly.
05:34Come on.
05:51Right, straight to bed, everyone.
05:54Very early start in the morning.
05:55I've got the crazy goal for 8.30.
05:59£10,000.
06:01Where on earth am I going to find £10,000?
06:04We'll have to sell the flat.
06:05Oh, don't be daft.
06:06I'll have to get a second job, work nights.
06:09They'll probably drop the charges.
06:11I mean, you're small, Fry.
06:12It's not worth their while taking you to court.
06:15Court?
06:17Oh, my God.
06:19How do you find the defendant?
06:21Guilty.
06:22Guilty.
06:22Guilty.
06:23Guilty.
06:24Guilty.
06:24Guilty.
06:25Guilty.
06:25Guilty.
06:26Guilty.
06:26Guilty.
06:26Guilty.
06:27Guilty.
06:27Guilty.
06:27Guilty.
06:27Guilty.
06:28Gavin Featherly, you have been found guilty of the most wicked and heinous crime.
06:32I therefore recommend the maximum possible sentence.
06:36That you be taken from here to a place of incarceration for a minimum of 40 years' psychotherapy with Mrs.
06:43Helen Britus.
06:44Please.
06:45I beg of you.
06:47I'd rather die.
06:51I'd rather die.
06:53What do you say?
06:55Nothing.
06:58I'm just going to go out for a moment, get a breath of fresh air.
07:15There may be some time.
07:44I'm just going to go out for a moment.
07:55Relax, Tim. Gavin probably just went for a swim.
07:58What, for two days?
07:59No, I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
08:02Here comes the Coast Guard, Mr. Brittus.
08:04With Gavin, no doubt.
08:08No luck, Mr. Brittus. We've covered a radius of 30 miles.
08:11All we found was this.
08:15There may be some time.
08:18I'd rather die. I'd rather die.
08:23Let's not get melodramatic, Tim.
08:25That's what Gavin said.
08:27Oh, my God.
08:28Look, don't start jumping to any stupid conclusions.
08:31Mr. Brittus, come quickly.
08:32Come and see what I've found on the beach.
08:39GF. Gavin Federley.
08:43Much as I hate to say this, I'm afraid it looks like Gavin may have drowned.
08:47Oh, of course. It all makes sense now.
08:49What do you mean?
08:50Well, he was depressed, Mr. Brittus.
08:52And people do stupid things when they're depressed.
08:55Are you saying Gavin deliberately drowned himself?
08:57It was that letter for the record company.
08:59That was the final straw.
09:01Oh, God, he's killed himself.
09:03He's killed himself.
09:04Tim, we have no evidence to support that.
09:06I'm telling you, he's killed himself and it's all your fault.
09:09You made him write at that record company.
09:10If he hadn't been for you, he'd still be alive.
09:12It is all your fault.
09:16I have just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone.
09:20And needless to say, they were very distressed.
09:23Especially when you reverse the charges.
09:28This centre cannot afford long-distance phone calls, Julie.
09:31Especially to Fiji.
09:33They have asked me to make the funeral arrangements.
09:36It will be Thursday afternoon, 2.30 at Whitbury New Church.
09:40Did you say funeral, Mr. Brittus?
09:42As far as Gavin's parents are concerned, this is a funeral.
09:46You see, it's an essential part of the grieving process
09:48to dispose of the body of a loved one in the ritual manner.
09:52We don't have a body, Elizabeth.
09:54You know that, Carol.
09:56I know that.
09:57But Gavin's parents don't...
10:00You mean you've lied to Gavin's parents, Mr. Brittus?
10:03I have learnt by experience, Colin,
10:06that sometimes, and I stress only sometimes,
10:09we need to tell a small untruth
10:12in the service of a higher goal.
10:14In this case, to help Gavin's parents
10:17through the grieving process.
10:19Does the vicar know we haven't got a body?
10:21Actually, Linda, we'll be taking the service ourselves.
10:23Of course, Mr. Brittus.
10:24That's right, Colin, it's what Gavin would have wanted.
10:28His closest friends and colleagues
10:30holding a special service for him.
10:33And I'd like us all to take a little part.
10:36Linda, I'd like you to lead the service, please.
10:38Me?
10:39Yes.
10:40It'll be very good for when you go to theological college.
10:42Gosh, a funeral.
10:44Me?
10:44I've only ever done my nephew's christening.
10:47Still, I suppose a funeral will be more or less the same.
10:50I'd imagine you might have to change the words a bit, Linda.
10:53Yeah.
10:55Carol, I'd like you to play something for us.
10:57Play?
10:58A hymn or something.
10:59Oh, I'm afraid I haven't played for long.
11:01I'd be delighted.
11:03Well done, Carol.
11:05Colin, I'd like you to make a contribution, please.
11:07I don't think it would be right, Mr. Brittus.
11:09What do you mean?
11:10Well, Gavin and I never exactly saw eye to eye.
11:13For me to partake in this ceremony would be, well,
11:16hypocritical, to say the least.
11:18Colin Weatherby, I'm surprised at you.
11:20I'm sorry, Mr. Brittus.
11:21It's just the way I feel.
11:22Oh, Carol.
11:28Ms. Brittus?
11:29I can't believe it.
11:32I know.
11:33Here, one minute.
11:35Gone the next.
11:36Yes.
11:37He was so kind.
11:40Please don't consider it.
11:44I mean, he had his off days like anyone else,
11:46but his heart was in the right place.
11:51I'm going to miss him, Miss Brittus.
11:53Me too.
11:55No.
11:58You know, he could always tell when I was feeling a bit low.
12:05He'd come over and rub himself up against me.
12:11Really?
12:12The place is a wet nose in my lap.
12:16Wet nose?
12:18His big floppy ears dangling all over the place.
12:23Floppy ears?
12:23Gavin?
12:24Gavin?
12:26I'm talking about Winston.
12:28Who's Winston?
12:30A petcock a spaniel.
12:32I found him in his basket this morning.
12:36He just passed away in his sleep.
12:42Oak, mahogany or plastic?
12:45Pardon?
12:46The coffin.
12:46I've got the funeral parlour on the line.
12:48They want to know which sort you want.
12:50Julie, who's paying for this funeral?
12:52Gavin's parents.
12:53And what did I tell you about Gavin's parents?
12:56I can't remember.
12:58He's an army colonel or something.
13:00A retired army colonel.
13:02Therefore, they'll be living off his pension.
13:04Therefore, he won't thank us for spending a fortune on Gavin's funeral.
13:08Let's keep costs down, shall we?
13:12What on earth is that?
13:20Harold!
13:21Harold!
13:22Turn it down, Carol!
13:24Harold!
13:28Miss Briss?
13:29What is that racket, Carol?
13:31That racket, Miss Briss, is my laudate Gavinum.
13:35What?
13:37It is my requiem mass that I've composed, especially for Gavin's funeral.
13:41I thought we agreed, Carol.
13:43If I let you bring this equipment in, it was to be used sensibly.
13:46Yes, Miss Briss.
13:47Keep it down.
13:52Sorry.
13:55I got up this morning and the bed was empty.
13:58Yes.
14:00I went into the bathroom and there's his toothbrush in the cup.
14:06That silly daffy duck thing he used to take in the bath with him.
14:09It's just lying there on the floor.
14:11I really, really miss him.
14:15He would have died anyway.
14:21What?
14:22He was 17 and he'd been arthritic for a long time.
14:29What are you talking about?
14:30Well, oh, no, it must have been awful for you.
14:34But you must allow your feelings.
14:36Let yourself grieve.
14:38The awful thing is it's all my fault.
14:40No, no, it's all my fault.
14:42I should never have given him those prawns.
14:47They were four days past the cell by day.
14:51No, you don't understand.
14:52I was the one who wrote the letter from the record company.
14:56It was just a practical joke to teach Gavin a lesson
14:58and stop him being such a slave to Briss.
15:01And then he goes and kills himself all because of me.
15:04There, there.
15:06Blaming yourself.
15:08It's just a way of avoiding pain.
15:11But it's Mr. British I'm putting all the blame on.
15:14Come to think of it, it was Gordon's fault.
15:18He found those prawns in the reduced clear bin.
15:24Size?
15:25How the heck should I know?
15:28Just make it the cheapest you've got.
15:30Right.
15:30Bye.
15:33Poor Gavin.
15:34It's been 36 years on this planet and you end up in a four-miker box.
15:39Still, don't expect you care now.
15:42Wherever you are.
15:49Oh, merci.
15:51Alors, ça va?
15:52Ça va.
15:53Bon, vous avez sauvé ma vie.
15:55Un peu drôle, ton bateau, hein?
15:57C'était un lilo de pommes de terre.
16:01Un lilo de pommes de terre.
16:04Vous êtes des pêcheurs?
16:06Des pêcheurs.
16:07Oh, Michel!
16:08Il pense qu'on est pêcheurs!
16:11Non, mon petit chou anglais.
16:13Nous sommes des pirates.
16:16Pirates.
16:18Oh, God.
16:21Oh, Gordon, can I have a word?
16:23Can't stop now, my darling.
16:24Got to interview someone for Gavin's job.
16:26Yeah, can you just have a quick look at these brochures?
16:29What's this?
16:30Pet cemeteries?
16:32There's one just outside Whitbury.
16:34It's got its own little church.
16:36You get a proper service.
16:37And for an extra hundred pounds,
16:39Winston could have his own lamppost in the memorial garden.
16:43My darling, I've got rather more important things to think about
16:46than a pet that's just died.
16:48How can you say that?
16:50Winston was a friend, a member of the family.
16:54Winston was a loving, affectionate animal, Helen.
16:57At least he was to you and the children.
17:00But at the end of the day, he was only a dog.
17:03If you'll excuse me, I must get on.
17:06Vous allez en Angleterre?
17:10Non, nous n'allons pas en Angleterre.
17:13France?
17:14Ni en France.
17:15Où?
17:16À la République Orinétienne, en Afrique.
17:21Et moi?
17:22Eh ben, tu viens avec nous?
17:24Non, c'est pas possible.
17:25C'est fort possible.
17:27Chez les Orinétiens,
17:29les beaux anglais comme toi,
17:30ça vaut beaucoup d'argent.
17:34Mr. Pédias!
17:35Not now, Colleen.
17:37I've got to collect Gavin's parents from the station.
17:39I'm running late as it is.
17:40Mr. Pédias, I just wanted to say
17:41that I've had a bit of a think
17:42and I would like to do something for Gavin's funeral.
17:45Oh!
17:46I'm glad you've seen sense at last, Mr. Weatherby.
17:49If it's OK with you,
17:50I'd like to dig the grave.
17:52Dig the grave?
17:54Yes, you see, by burying Gavin,
17:55it's a bit like burying the hatchet, as it were.
17:57Letting bygones be bygones.
17:59Well, I suppose that's something...
18:02What the f*** is going on?
18:05Helen!
18:06What are you doing?
18:08I'm digging a hole.
18:09What does it look like I'm doing?
18:10You can't just dig up council property.
18:12It was either that or your vegetable patch,
18:14and I didn't think you'd be very happy about that.
18:16What are you digging a hole for, anyway?
18:19I'm burying Winston.
18:25Would you please take that animal down to the vet
18:28and let him dispose of him?
18:29But I...
18:30Now!
18:34He's a lovely little fellow, isn't he?
18:36Take him to the vet, honestly.
18:39I mean, why don't I just shove him in a skip and be done with it?
18:42Why don't you give him to me, Mrs. British?
18:44What?
18:44I'll make sure Winston has a lovely send-off.
18:47Really?
18:49Oh, no, I can't.
18:53Colonel and Mrs. Federley, please do come in.
18:57Take a seat.
19:00Julie, coffee, please.
19:02And physics!
19:04It's for Gavin's parents.
19:05Why didn't you say so?
19:08I'm sorry, I forgot to ask.
19:09How was the flight?
19:11Wearying, to say the least.
19:1222 hours is a long time.
19:14Yes.
19:16Still, there's the in-flight entertainment.
19:19Did they show a movie?
19:21I expect so.
19:22My mind wasn't really on it.
19:24It's a wonderful life.
19:25I know, because it was Gavin's favourite.
19:29Oh, now, Enid.
19:31I still can't believe it's happened.
19:34Neither can his brother and sisters.
19:37Brother and sisters?
19:38Gavin never told me.
19:40Oh, one brother and two sisters, scattered all over the world.
19:45There's Sally in Tokyo, Alice in Brussels, and Peter in Zambia.
19:49And they'll all be at the funeral.
19:51Oh, it'll be lovely to see Peter again.
19:53We haven't seen him in years.
19:55Funny how it takes a tragedy to bring the family together.
19:57All right, Enid.
19:59Thank you, Julie.
20:01I can't believe how you snubbed Peter just because he wouldn't go in the army.
20:04The featherly tradition has always been...
20:08Because of your tradition, we haven't seen Peter in 15 years.
20:11Black or white.
20:13Enid, you're being hysterical.
20:15And if Gavin hadn't died, we probably never would have seen him again.
20:18Vicky?
20:19No, thanks.
20:21Very wise.
20:22Too much sugar can kill you.
20:27I took the liberty of clearing out Gavin's locker.
20:31I thought you might like some of his things.
20:33That's very kind.
20:34There's his uniform, his mug, and staff duty rosters going all the way back to 1991.
20:43Sorry, did I say something wrong?
20:45Seeing his belongings, it brings it all back.
20:48Come in.
20:50Mr Brittus, I heard Gavin's parents were here, so I thought...
20:57Are you OK?
20:59What does it look like, Tim?
21:03Hello, Mrs Featherly.
21:04Oh, hello.
21:07I'm really, really sorry.
21:09Oh, thank you.
21:11I miss him too.
21:13In fact, there's not a second goes by I don't think about him.
21:16You and he must have been great friends.
21:20Well, I'm Tim.
21:22You must have read about me in Gavin's letters.
21:25Tim.
21:27I remember there was a Colin.
21:30And a Carol.
21:32And Linda.
21:34And...
21:35Dewey.
21:38We are gathered here today.
21:40I hate him!
21:41Who?
21:42Gavin, I hope he rots in hell.
21:43That's a terrible thing to say.
21:44It's meant to be.
21:45I've just been with Gavin's parents.
21:47And, you know, they've never even heard of me.
21:48Ten years we've been together.
21:49And not once has he mentioned me in his letters.
21:51He said he told them all about us, liar.
21:53I could kill him.
21:54Tim.
21:55Gavin's gone now.
21:56And nothing's going to bring him back.
22:12Hello?
22:13Tim.
22:13Gavin?
22:14Tim, you've got to help me.
22:17Gavin, is that you?
22:18Look, I haven't got a lot of time.
22:20Oh, Gavin, where are you?
22:21On a pirate ship.
22:23On a what?
22:24I can't explain why.
22:26Ss.
22:26Gavin?
22:27Gavin?
22:28Gavin, hello?
22:28Hello?
22:30My word Gavin never told us that the centre was so big.
22:33Oh, it's big.
22:34And he did very well to work his way up to senior deputy manager.
22:38You should be very proud of him.
22:39Mr. Brittis!
22:40Mr. Brittis!
22:41Can I have a word, please, Mr. Brittis?
22:43Excuse me.
22:44Tim, I'm taking Colonel and Mrs. Featherly round the centre.
22:47I must speak to you now.
22:48It's very urgent.
22:48What is it?
22:49In private, please.
22:51Please, do excuse me.
22:55Now, I don't know how to break this to Gavin's parents, but I think we should do it very,
23:00very gently.
23:02Break what, Tidam?
23:02Gavin's still alive!
23:04What?
23:04He called just now.
23:05I spoke to him!
23:08Tim, everything all right?
23:10Fine, thanks.
23:11He called just now.
23:12Where is he?
23:12On a pirate ship.
23:13On a pirate...
23:15Of course he is, Tim.
23:17Was it flying the Jolly Roger?
23:19Did Captain Hook make him walk the plank?
23:21Oh, you don't believe me, do you?
23:22Tim, look, you've been through an awful lot.
23:24I think you should go down to the restroom, put the kettle on, have a nice cup of tea and
23:28have a nice lie down.
23:28But I'm telling you the truth!
23:31No.
23:40You OK, buddy?
23:42Who are you?
23:42Inner Paul.
23:43We've been after this lot for years.
23:46Right, Gavin's parents are waiting.
23:48Let's go.
23:49Miss Spirits!
23:50Miss Spirits, I implore you to call this thing off!
23:52Not now, Tim.
23:52Go and get changed.
23:53Miss Spirits, Gavin is still alive.
23:55He is on a pirate ship.
23:56Why won't anyone believe me?
23:59I believe you, Tim.
24:00Oh, do you?
24:01Only last I died, I'd have been captured by Vikings.
24:05God's sake.
24:06Mr. Spirits, I am warning you, if you don't go out there and tell Gavin's parents, I'll
24:09do it myself.
24:10Linda!
24:11Ah!
24:12Help me!
24:21Are all these people for Gavin?
24:22Don't sound so surprised, Linda.
24:24Gavin had a lot of friends.
24:27Oh, there's Sally and Alice.
24:31And Peter.
24:32Peter!
24:33Oh, my God!
24:35Hello, Mum.
24:35Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
24:39You too.
24:45Hello, Dad.
24:48Hello, Peter.
24:51Good to see you, my boy.
24:55Sorry to interrupt, but if you'd like to make your way through now, please.
25:05We'd like to go in with Gavin, if we may.
25:07Yes, of course.
25:09Yes, of course.
25:09Could you get it out now, please?
25:18Julie!
25:19What's going on?
25:21Oh, heck.
25:22Well, you said get the cheapest.
25:23Is this some kind of a joke, Mr. Bitters?
25:26Gee, I can explain.
25:27You better.
25:28He shrunk in the water.
25:30What?
25:31Do you leave?
25:33The truth is, Colonel Featherly.
25:35We only found part of him.
25:37Part of him?
25:38He'd been tossed onto the rocks, you see.
25:40Oh, my God!
25:44It's all right.
25:45I understand.
25:51Home sweet home, eh?
25:54Yes.
25:55Um, thanks for the lift.
25:56How do you feel?
25:58Just glad to be back, really.
26:00That's all.
26:01Just glad to be back.
26:03Funny, when I phoned earlier, there was no reply.
26:06Probably I'd gone to a party.
26:09Yes.
26:25That's my gift to you, Gavin.
26:28Rest in peace, my friend.
26:36Are you on there?
26:38Help!
26:40Help!
26:49And now, to end our service, Carol Parkinson will play her own composition in tribute to
26:55Gavin's memory, entitled Laudate Gavin.
27:20Lord, bless the soul of Gavin Featherly.
27:22Let us return his body to the earth, dust to dust, ashes to ashes.
27:31Not now, my darling.
27:34He seems to be rising.
27:36What?
27:37Look at him.
27:54Oh, my God!
27:58A dog!
27:59What the devil is going on, Britas?
28:02I wish I knew, Colonel Featherly.
28:04Colin.
28:05I'm sorry, Mr. Britas.
28:06I just thought, as it was free, it seemed a shame to waste it.
28:08What do you mean, free?
28:10Look!
28:10I can explain.
28:12I can explain.
28:12You see...
28:13Hello, Mr. Britas.
28:15Gavin?
28:16Peter, Dad, Bob, Alice.
28:18What are you all doing here?
28:20They've all come here for a funeral, Gavin.
28:22Oh, I'm sorry.
28:24Anyone I know?
28:25I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
28:55I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
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