- 8 hours ago
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00:19I don't know.
00:40coming no it'll be a once-in-a-lifetime experience no it won't everybody's
00:56going don't exaggerate Percy I'm not going mrs. Miggins from the pie shop isn't going oh my
01:03Lord you are cruel you know perfectly well that mrs. Miggins is bedridden from the nose down and
01:09besides she is honoring the occasion in her own special way by baking a great commemorative pie
01:14in the shape of an enormous pie what an imagination oh come on Edmund the greatest explorer of our
01:24age is coming home the streets have never been so gay women are laughing children are singing
01:31there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on
01:36his face look Percy the return of Sir Walter what a big ship I've got Ronnie is a matter of
01:43supreme
01:44indifference to me look if you're not careful all the children will dance about outside your window
01:51singing sourpuss and grumpy face and you wouldn't want that now would you I believe I could survive
01:56it now Percy will you get out before I catch your head off scoop out the insides and give it
02:02to your
02:02mother as a barge what a plot the most absurdly dressed creature in Christendom
02:16with one exception
02:20Baldrick you look like a deer thank you my lord look a bit of a ducky yourself
02:26oh god what do you want I was wondering if I might have the afternoon off of course not who
02:31do you
02:32think you are what Tyler you can have the afternoon off when you die not before I want to cheer
02:39brave
02:40Sir Walter home oh dear sir on a day like today I feel proud to be a member of the
02:45greatest kingdom in
02:46the world and doubtless many other members of the animal kingdom feel the same way will you shut up
02:54now the explorers punch off the mumbo-jumbo land with a tropical disease a suntan and a bag of brown
03:01lumpy things what was your uncle everyone's got a picture of them in the lavatory I mean what about
03:07the people who do all the work servants now me and the people who do all the work I mean
03:11look at this
03:12what is it I'm surprised you've forgotten my lord I haven't forgotten it's a rhetorical question
03:18no it's a potato
03:21to you it's a potato to me it's a potato but to Sir Walter bloody raleigh it's country estate fine
03:29carriages and as many girls as his tongue can cope with he's making a fortune out of the things
03:35people are smoking them building houses out of them we'll be eating them next
03:42stranger things have happened exactly that horse becoming pope for one
03:49probably some burke with a parrot on his shoulder selling plaster gnomes of Sir Francis Drake and his
03:56home behind
04:11and another thing why aren't you at school
04:21well I just looked in on my way to the palace to welcome Sir Walter home I wondered if you
04:26care to
04:26accompany me I don't think I'll bother actually three hours of bluff seaman's talk about picking the weevils
04:33out of biscuits and drinking urine is not my idea
04:36as you wish servant my hat
04:40potato thanks I don't
04:44I see you haven't succumbed to this fad of dressing up like half allotment in Nottingham Forest
04:56it's probably just as well you're not coming back at a you're not very popular at court at the moment
05:00and the Queen and I have yes well I can probably leave this till tomorrow
05:03no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
05:05no I'll be coming with you obviously the Queen and I can be the only ones even vaguely censor me
05:09dress
05:20oh
05:21oh
05:24oh
05:32thank you majesty and
05:36um
05:37what's the matter about you
05:38well I beg your pardon my lady I I was wanting to greet the gallant sailor who hallooed me as
05:44I came in
05:45um
05:46uh
05:47perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away
05:50no
05:51it was me
05:54majesty
05:55surely not
05:57you utter creep
06:02so
06:03no
06:04where's this barnacle bottomed haddock flavoured
06:07bilge rat sir rather a wally rally then
06:11I hear he's about as exciting as one of his potatoes
06:15ha ha ha
06:16blackhead is our frightful old lover eh milchie
06:19and indubitably no sea dog man with a yo ho ho and perhaps I might venture a bottle of rum
06:26into the bargain
06:29it's him
06:30oh god
06:31do I look absolutely divine and regal and yet and at the same time very pretty and rather accessible
06:38you are every jolly jack tars dream majesty
06:42i thought as much
06:44if he's really gorgeous i'm thinking of marrying him
06:48mum is that not a little rash
06:51i don't think so
06:53it wouldn't be your first little rash if it was
07:00your
07:01leslie
07:03oh
07:04splice me to myself water
07:05it's bucko to see you
07:07oh
07:07matey
07:08i'm sorry
07:11She says hello
07:13And well she might
07:15For I have bought her gifts and dominions
07:17Beyond her wildest dreams
07:19Are you sure?
07:22Well I have some pretty wild dreams you know
07:25And I'm not sure what they mean
07:27But the other day there was this enormous tree
07:29And I was sitting right on top of it
07:31And then I drank once that I was a sausage roll
07:35Magician
07:38Sorry
07:39So exciting
07:40Don't know what I'm saying
07:42Come on Sir Walter
07:44I want to hear about absolutely everything
07:46Then prepare to hear tales of terrible hardship
07:51Endurance and woe
07:55We set sail from Plymouth
07:57In the spring of 1552
08:03You remember Lord Blackadder
08:06No
08:08But I can see he is the sort of pasty landlubber
08:11I have always despised
08:14Well quite
08:16Don't crowd Sir Walter Edmund
08:18Twice last week
08:19I fought a hand-to-hand combat
08:21With a man with two heads
08:23And no body hair
08:25I'll warrant
08:26I'll warrant the most exciting thing
08:28That has happened to that limpid prawn in a whole year
08:30Was the day his servant
08:32Forgot to put sugar in his porridge
08:39Gosh you've got nice legs
08:41While I hold the six seas of the world in my hand
08:45He couldn't even put six godstoppers in his mouth
08:50He's a complete no-hoper isn't he
08:53He certainly is
08:59My bedroom's just upstairs you know
09:03I apprehended Sir Walter that there were only seven seas
09:06Are only numerically speaking
09:09We sailors do not count the sea around the Cape of Good Hope
09:14It is called the sea of certain death
09:17And no sailor has crossed it alive
09:20Well well well
09:21What an extraordinary coincidence
09:24What's an extraordinary coincidence?
09:27Yeah it says that I was planning a jaunt around the Cape of Good Hope myself
09:31Leaving a week on Thursday I think
09:33Really?
09:35Yeah so now that um
09:37Sorry I've forgotten your name
09:39Has returned and the whole court smells of fish
09:41I've half a mind to set off as half an hour
09:43If you attempt that journey you've no mind at all
09:46Or perhaps a mind that knows no fear
09:48Is that true Edmund?
09:49Do you know no fear?
09:51Well yes I'd rather laugh in the face of fear
09:53Tweak the nose of terror
09:56Gosh Edmund I've forgotten how dissy you are
10:00You'd never dare
10:01Why round the Cape the rain beats down so hard
10:05It makes your head bleed
10:06So some sort of hat is probably in order
10:12And great dragons leap from the water
10:15And swallow ships whole
10:16I must remember to pack the larger of my two shrimping nets
10:20Edmund you're completely wonderful
10:23If you do this I'll probably marry you
10:32Oh yes and who'll be your captain
10:36To my mind there's only one seafarer with few enough marbles to attempt that journey
10:41Ah yes and who's that?
10:43Why rum of course
10:44Captain Redbeard rum
10:45Well done
10:46Just testing
10:48And where would I find him on a Tuesday?
10:51Well if I remember his habits
10:52He's usually up the old sea dog
10:54Ah yes
10:54And where is the old sea dog?
10:56Well on Tuesdays he's normally in bed with the captain
11:10Me laddie
11:11Ah indeed
11:15So rum I wish to hire you and your ship
11:18Can we shake on it?
11:19Ah
11:19Ah
11:20You have a woman's hand me lord
11:23I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm
11:28Well you're right there
11:30Ah ha ha
11:31Ah ha ha
11:33That was a little skin me lord
11:36I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of the cat
11:38Being rubbed with salt
11:40And then flayed off by a pirate chief
11:42To make fine stockings
11:44For his best cabin boy
11:46This is uncanny
11:47I don't know how you do it
11:48But you're right again
11:49Why should I let a stupid cockle like you aboard me boat?
11:53Perhaps for the money in my purse
11:57You have a woman's purse
12:01I'll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing boat
12:04I'll wager it's never had 16 shipwrecked mariners tossing in it
12:10Yes
12:11Well right again rum I must say
12:13When it comes to tales of courage I can say I'm going to have to keep my mouth shut
12:17Oh you have a woman's mouth me lord
12:22I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship
12:25To escape the dreadful spindly killer fish
12:28Yes I must say when I came to see you
12:30I had no idea I was going to have to eat your ship as well as hiring
12:33And since you're clearly as mad as a mongoose
12:36I'll bid you sell me
12:38Damn courteous to the queen
12:39You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl
12:42Better a lapdog to a slip of a girl
12:46Than a git
12:50So you do have some spunk in you
12:53Don't worry laddie I'll come
12:55I'll come
12:56Well let us set sail as soon as we can
12:58I will fetch my first mate
13:00And return as fast as my legs will carry me
13:03Oh you have a woman
13:07I'll wager those are legs
13:09That have never been sliced clean off
13:11By a falling sail
13:12And swept into the sea
13:14Before your very eye
13:15Well neither of yours
13:17That's where you're wrong
13:20Oh my god
13:22Don't point you're changing your mind now
13:24Nobody else will come
13:25The whole thing's suicide anyway
13:26What's the first mate's name?
13:29Percy
13:29A nautical cove?
13:31Yes
13:32Well he's a sort of wet fish
13:36I'm not coming
13:37I'm just not coming
13:38I mean of course I'm very keen to go on the trip
13:42It's just unfortunately I've got an appointment
13:46Do have my nostrils plucked
13:49Next year
13:51I'm sorry my lord
13:52I thought it was because you were a complete coward
13:56Don't be ridiculous Baldrick
13:57You know me
13:59I mean I laugh in the face of fear
14:02And tweak the nose
14:04Of the dreadful spindly killer fish
14:09I'm not one of your milksops
14:10Who's scared out of his mind
14:12By the mere sight of water
14:17It's all right
14:17I admit it
14:18I admit it
14:18I'm terrified
14:21You see Baldrick
14:23When I was a baby
14:25I was savaged by a turbot
14:31Oh Baldrick
14:32You can't think of a plan
14:32To get me out of this
14:33Can you?
14:34You can hide my lord
14:35Hide
14:36Brilliant
14:37Where?
14:38Um
14:45In the box
14:46Which one?
14:49Perfect
14:50All right
14:53Let's practice
14:54Right
14:55Edmund comes in
14:56And says
14:56Hello Baldrick
14:58You haven't seen Percy have you
14:59And you say
15:01No my lord
15:02I haven't seen him all day
15:03Brilliant
15:04Oh my god
15:05Here he comes
15:09Oh hello Baldrick
15:11Where the hell's that
15:11Crescent Percy
15:12You haven't seen him
15:13Have you?
15:23Yes my lord
15:24He's hiding in the box
15:28Come on jelly brain
15:30Hurry up
15:31Otherwise we'll miss the tide
15:34Oh Edmund
15:36I'm so proud
15:37You're just my complete hero
15:40Oh dear
15:41I'm going all gooey now
15:43Mum I moved
15:46And if during my journey
15:47I could believe
15:48That occasionally
15:48You did spare me a thought
15:50And perhaps go gooey again
15:52I would deem
15:53My certain death
15:54A minor inconvenience
16:00I've written a poem
16:01Madam I'm honoured
16:07When the night is dark
16:09And the dogs go
16:12Bark
16:13When the clouds are black
16:16And the ducks go
16:18Quack
16:19When the sky is blue
16:22And the cows go
16:27Think of lovely Queenie
16:29She'll be thinking of you
16:31Oh bravo
16:33It's called Edmund
16:36Shakespeare gave me a hand
16:37With the title
16:38But the rest is all my own work
16:40Oh tush and fie my tiddly
16:42You didn't always make
16:44Such pretty speeches
16:45Oh lord
16:45It's with the twinkling of a toe
16:46Since you could say nothing
16:47But Lizzie go
16:49Plop plop
16:50Lizzie go
16:51I'll put the bargain in Nassie
16:53No
16:53I'm sure that Melchie and
16:57Wally
16:57Want to say something as well
16:59Oh yes indeed
17:05Goodbye Blackadder
17:06I'd say bon voyage
17:08But there's no point
17:09You'll be dead in three months
17:11I love you Walter
17:13I hope you know that
17:17Farewell Blackadder
17:18The foremost cartographers of the land
17:20Have prepared this for you
17:21It's a map of the area
17:23That you'll be traversing
17:27And they'd be very grateful
17:29If you could just fill it in
17:30As you go along
17:32Goodbye
17:33Aha
17:35What's that?
17:36For two breamy hearties
17:38The wind is in the sails
17:40The oars are in the rocks
17:42And we must away
17:46Lady it is my captain
17:47Long on beard
17:48Short on legs
17:50Oh captain
17:51I wish you luck
17:53From the bottom of my heart
17:55You have a woman's bottom
17:57My lady
17:59I'll wager that sweet round pair of peaches
18:02Has never been forced
18:04Twixt two splintered planks
18:05To plug a leak
18:07And save a ship
18:09Certainly hasn't
18:10And I'm quite pleased
18:11About it
18:12Anyway
18:13What's wrong with women's bottoms
18:14Not big enough
18:16No
18:18Mine might be
18:22In that case
18:23My little pudding of delight
18:24Let's beat about the bush
18:26No longer
18:27I know I'm only a bluff old cove
18:29With no legs
18:30And a beard
18:31You could lose a badger in
18:32But if you'll take me
18:34I'm willing to be captain
18:35Of your ship
18:36Forever
18:36What do you say?
18:38Oh
18:39Yes please
18:40I'll be back
18:42We'll all be back
18:44Aha
18:46Then this is it
18:47Oh
18:49Have you got clean underwear
18:51And dirty foreign food
18:53And watch out for strange men
18:55And discover me
18:56A country
18:57And bring me back
18:58A vegetable
18:58And all
18:59Everything
19:00Madam
19:01I shall do all I can
19:04Farewell
19:07And er
19:08Don't wait up
19:13Gosh
19:14Well
19:15That's the last
19:16We'll see of him
19:17In three months time
19:18He'll be dead as a
19:19Dead dodo
19:21Oh Sir Walter
19:23Really
19:23Oh Sir Walter
19:38Not joining us in the
19:39Ha ha
19:40No
19:43I'm thinking of England
19:44And the girl I left behind me
19:46Oh God
19:47I didn't know you had a girl
19:48Oh yes
19:49Lady Caroline Fairfax
19:51Caroline
19:52I didn't know you knew her
19:54Oh yes
19:55I even touched her once
19:58Touched her what?
20:01No
20:01Once
20:02In a corridor
20:03I've never heard her call that before
20:06Sir
20:07When you get home in six months
20:08You'll be a hero
20:09She might even let you get your hands on her twice
20:13I fear not
20:14Why not?
20:15Because we'll never get home
20:17We're doomed
20:19Doomed
20:20Condemned to a watery grave
20:22With a captain who's legless
20:24Rubbish
20:25I've only touched a drop
20:27No no
20:28I mean
20:29You haven't got any legs
20:30Oh yes
20:31You're right there
20:32Carry on
20:33Sorry
20:35Of course
20:36We've got no hope
20:38No hope of ever returning
20:40On the contrary
20:41We are certain to return
20:43What?
20:44Because me old salts
20:45We are not going to the Cape of Good Hope at all
20:47What?
20:48We are in fact going
20:49To France
20:50France!
20:52Oh but
20:53Edmund
20:54Surely France has already been discovered
20:57Why the French for a start
20:59Precisely
21:00It's a trick
21:00We just camp down in the Dordogne for six months
21:03Get a good suntan
21:04Come home
21:05Pretend we've been round the Cape
21:06And get all the glory
21:07Hooray!
21:08A masterly plan me young master
21:11And one that needs me to make an announcement meself
21:13What's that Ron?
21:14Truth is
21:15I don't know the weight of the Cape of Good Hope anyway
21:18Well what are you going to do?
21:20Oh what I usually do
21:21Sail round and round the Isle of Wight
21:23Till everyone gets dizzy
21:24And he's head for who?
21:26You old rascal
21:28Still who cares
21:29The day after tomorrow
21:30We shall be in Calais
21:31Captain
21:31Set sail for France
21:34Hooray!
21:38So you don't know the way to France
21:42Are you?
21:44No
21:44I must confess that too
21:48Bugger
21:54He's only been gone three days
21:56And I'm missing him already
21:59Well perhaps mum
22:00I might amuse you still further
22:03With tales of my adventures
22:05Like what?
22:07Perhaps you would like to hear the one
22:09About the mad pirate king
22:10Whose crew consisted entirely of men called Roger
22:13Oh dear
22:15Oh
22:16Ah
22:17Well maybe
22:18I could distract you
22:19With the tale of the time
22:21I fell into the water
22:22And was almost eaten by a hammerhead shark
22:26Yes
22:27Alright
22:27Try that one
22:29Well mum
22:32I fell into the water
22:33And was almost eaten by a shark
22:37And the funny thing is
22:39Its head was exactly the same shape
22:42As a hammer
22:43Ha
22:45God
22:47You'd better come up with some presents
22:48Or I'm going to go off exploring us completely
22:51You know
22:52Mum
22:52I want to do something else
22:54Edmund was right
22:56You do smell of fish
22:57Pooey!
23:00Rebaugh! Rebaugh!
23:01Rebaugh!
23:03Look there's no need to panic
23:05Someone in the crew will know how to steer this thing
23:08The crew me lord
23:11Yes the crew
23:13What crew?
23:15I was under the impression
23:17That it was common maritime practice
23:19For a ship to have a crew
23:21Opinion is divided on the subject
23:24Really?
23:25Yes
23:25All the other captains say it is
23:28I say it isn't
23:30Oh god
23:31Mad as a brush
23:35Sir Walter's death warrant
23:37For your signature
23:38Majesty
23:38Oh
23:39Good
23:41Any news of Edmund?
23:44Well madam
23:44If they're on course
23:45They should be nearing the
23:47Urine drinking stage
23:49By now
23:51Don't be horrid Melchie
23:53Edmund would rather die
23:55I fear that may be wishful thinking
23:57Majesty
24:03Enter
24:06So soon
24:08You said today
24:10Yes well
24:11I'm not feeling very thirsty at the moment
24:14I mean
24:15I had an egg cup full of stagnant water
24:17Three weeks ago
24:19Oh alright
24:20Come on
24:20Let's get on this
24:21Shall we drink each other's
24:23Or stick to our own?
24:25Sorry
24:27Is Captain Rum joining us for this
24:29Bring a sample party
24:31Or is he going to see this one out?
24:33Oh no
24:33He's been sweeping his for ages
24:35He says he likes it
24:37Actually come to think of it
24:38He started before the water ran out
24:41Oh god
24:42Well let's get on with it
24:47It's always the same isn't it
24:48You get all keyed up
24:49And then you can't
24:53I've done two bottles
24:55All right then pour it out
24:57Come on
24:57That it should counter this
24:59Drinking Baldrick's water
25:01Say when
25:02When
25:07Down the hatch
25:10Land ahoy
25:14Ah
25:15France at last
25:17Now every young master
25:19Through fair wings and fine seamanship
25:22Our vessel is once more
25:23Edged up on the shores of old Blighty
25:26Hooray
25:26By lucky chance
25:28We have landed at Southampton Dock
25:30Hooray
25:31Fare thee well
25:31Last one up the old sea dog
25:34Gets a lick of the cat
25:37They look much like Southampton to me my lord
25:40What
25:41All those streams of molten lava
25:43And that steamy mangrove sweat
25:45And that crowd of beckoning natives
25:48Rubbing their tummies
25:49And pointing to a large pot
25:52Oh god
26:01Where are they now?
26:04Well madam
26:04If they haven't been eaten by cannibals
26:07They should be back any minute now
26:10But
26:11And you're alive
26:13Oh yes
26:14And your silly friend
26:17Lord Percy Mudd
26:18And your monkey
26:21But where is Captain Rum?
26:24Ah bad news milady
26:25Rum is dead
26:27No
26:30Do not despair good woman
26:32He died a hero's death
26:33Giving his life
26:35That his friends might live
26:37And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes
26:44Yes
26:45Your fiancé was only a third rate sailor
26:47But a first rate second course
26:49Oh
26:51However we did manage to save something of him
26:53As a memento
26:55So
26:56Oh
26:59My lucky stars
27:01I shall wear it always
27:02To remind me of him
27:06However ma'am
27:07I am now returned
27:09And my mind cannot help remembering
27:12Talk of wedding bells
27:14No
27:15I'm completely bored with explorers
27:18And if you haven't brought me any presents
27:20I'm going to have you executed
27:22Mum
27:22I only let Riley off because he blubbed on his way to the block
27:28Present please
27:29Ah yes ma'am
27:31Um
27:31Yes
27:33Well there was one thing ma'am
27:35Good
27:35A most extraordinary gift from the island paradise we visited
27:39Hurry up
27:41Ah
27:44What is it?
27:46A stick
27:48Is it a stick Lord Blackadder?
27:51Yes ma'am
27:51But it is a very special stick
27:53Because when you throw it away
27:56It comes back
27:59Well
28:00That's no good is it
28:02Because when I throw things away
28:04I don't want them to come back
28:06You
28:07Get rid of it
28:09Certainly ma'am
28:13What else have you brought?
28:15Um
28:15Yes
28:16Well there was very little time
28:18What with picking the weevils out of biscuits
28:20And uh
28:20Now she won't send you with that spare death warrant
28:22Well I
28:23Oh
28:24Oh
28:25Oh
28:26Oh
28:26Edward it's wonderful
28:28But what about Melchia Raleigh
28:30You must have brought something for them as well
28:32Uh
28:33Nurse has got her beer
28:35I've got my stick
28:37What about the two boys?
28:41Um
28:41Yes
28:42Yes
28:43Um
28:43Well there was
28:46Ah there was one thing ma'am
28:48Um
28:49A fine wine
28:51From the far east
28:52A most delicious beverage
28:55Have a taste boys
28:57Tell us what you think
29:03Oh it certainly has plenty of nose
29:06Oh yes
29:07This is very familiar
29:09I
29:11I'm sure you'll be glad to hear
29:12That there is an inexhaustible supply
29:17Sir Francis and Sir Walter Head
29:21Discovered new worlds and new nations
29:24And though Blackadder from the bed
29:28He tried his hand at navigation
29:32Blackadder
29:33Blackadder
29:35He saw the oceans move
29:39Blackadder
29:40Blackadder
29:42He should have stayed at home
29:45Blackadder
29:47Blackadder
29:49He heard the new world call
29:52Blackadder
29:54Blackadder
29:56Discovered the garage
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