- 19 hours ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:17I don't know.
00:35Get out! Get out, libidinous swine!
00:38And take that whore-slut-painted strumpet with you!
00:41May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!
00:45And what did you say to him?
00:48Say, madam, I said nothing.
00:50I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.
00:54Oh, Edmund, you're so naughty!
00:57Well, I try, madam.
00:59And then ten minutes later, when I've got my breath back, I try again.
01:03Yes, Your Majesty, perhaps now we can turn to more important matters of state.
01:06I must be.
01:07I fear so, ma'am.
01:08It's a tragic case.
01:10My old tutor, Lord Forrest, his son has been kidnapped
01:12and he begs you to help him pay the ransom.
01:16Edmund, what would you say?
01:18Well, as you know, madam, I have had experience of this dreadful situation.
01:21Only last year, my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.
01:27Well, then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.
01:30Indeed I do.
01:31And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.
01:34Which was?
01:35Get stuffed.
01:38Look, Eddie, you would jest over a young man's life.
01:40A young man read young idiot.
01:42Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed Dago come up to them in a corridor,
01:47say, excuse me, meester, and hit them over the head with a big stick.
01:51Deserves everything they get.
01:57Oh, my lord, you were in good fooling this morning.
01:59Ah, thank you, Boric.
02:00I heard quite an amusing story myself the other day.
02:04Oh, good.
02:09Excuse me, meester.
02:11Yes, what is it?
02:15I said, what is it, not hit me hard on the head?
02:20Well, Melchie, I've completely changed my mind about that forest joke.
02:24I mean, he's obviously very stupid,
02:26but we can't go around punishing people for that, can we?
02:29Well, certainly not, ma'am.
02:30No, if we went around punishing people for being stupid,
02:33Nursey would have been in prison all her life.
02:36A very piquant observation, Majesty.
02:39So I will sign this ransom, but it must be the last.
02:43Absolutely the last.
02:45Finer.
02:46Full stop.
02:47Never again.
02:49Cross my heart and hope to die.
02:53Surely not hope to die, Majesty.
02:55Er, all right, I'll cross that out.
02:58Er, here you are.
03:01Sorry about the smudge.
03:02Thank you, ma'am.
03:06Excuse me, meester.
03:08Yes?
03:12God, God, God!
03:14Oh, what on earth was I drinking last night?
03:19My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it.
03:26Oh, where am I?
03:28Oh, who's there?
03:30It's I, Melchis.
03:32Melchis?
03:32You really ought to get this house of yours clean.
03:35Nothing you know is wrong.
03:36It's a real mess.
03:37There's no time for jokes, Blackadder.
03:39We've been kidnapped.
03:40Oh, God, how incredibly embarrassing.
03:46As private parts to the gods are we.
03:49They play with us for their sport.
03:51Oh, God, who's that?
03:55Ti prepara pa la interrogation y suplicio.
03:59Now, just wait a minute.
04:00If anyone's going to be spoken to around here,
04:02it's going to be me, all right?
04:03Tell him, Melchis.
04:05Parlo con lui, no me, Capul.
04:07Parlo con lui.
04:08Ah, boy, el jefe.
04:10Ti prepara pa la interrogation y suplicio.
04:14Oh, that's better.
04:16Now, what's he saying?
04:19He says he would like a word with you.
04:21Uh-huh.
04:22Anything else?
04:23Yes.
04:23He says he would like to torture you as well.
04:27Right.
04:28Now, am I by any chance addressing a senior dignitary
04:31of the Spanish Inquisition?
04:32Te gusta la mucha de la Inquisición.
04:35Good.
04:36Because if I am,
04:38I wish to make it quite clear
04:39that I am prepared to tell you
04:41absolutely anything.
04:45No habla, puerto.
04:49No speak-o-de-go.
04:52I demand to see the British ambassador.
04:55Understand?
04:56Necesito silencio para comenzar.
04:59Oh, for God's sake.
05:00Look, how can you question me
05:03if you don't speak English?
05:05No.
05:06Yo pregunto las cuestiones.
05:09All right, let's start with the basics.
05:12English is a non-inflected Indo-European language
05:16derived from dialects of the romance.
05:20How's that?
05:22Percy?
05:23Yes?
05:23Who's Queen?
05:26Whoops!
05:27Butterfingers!
05:29Ah, so I win again.
05:31Yes, well done, Your Majesty.
05:33And there's definitely been no sign of Edmund.
05:36I fear not, Mum.
05:38Why, then, he's vanished.
05:40Simply vanished.
05:42Like an old oak table.
05:49Vanished, Lord Percy, not vanished.
05:53Forgive me, my lady,
05:54but my Uncle Bertram's old oak table
05:56completely vanished.
05:58T'was on the night of the Great Stepney Fire,
06:01and on that same terrible night,
06:03his house and all his other things
06:05completely vanished too.
06:07So did he, in fact.
06:09T'was a most perplexing mystery.
06:13Look, Percy?
06:14Yes?
06:15It's up to you.
06:17Either you can shut up,
06:19or you can have your head cut off.
06:33I'll shut up.
06:36Bernardo!
06:38Bernardo!
06:40Barrister!
06:44Embarrassing.
06:45You're embarrassing.
06:46I'm embarrassing.
06:48Uh, uh, uh, rogering.
06:50Uh, pregnant.
06:53Baby.
06:54Baby.
06:55Bath water.
06:58Sounds like...
06:59Bastard.
07:01Bastard.
07:03Lo exterminado.
07:05Hijo.
07:07Hijo.
07:09Donkey.
07:14Little bastard.
07:15Little bastard.
07:16Little bastard.
07:17Little bastard.
07:17Big bastard.
07:17Padre.
07:18Boy.
07:19Man.
07:19Father.
07:20Son.
07:20I'm a bastard son.
07:22Di vera.
07:24Thirsty.
07:25Thirsty bastard.
07:26Thirsty bastard.
07:28Thirsty barking bastard.
07:31Dog.
07:33Dog.
07:34Dog.
07:35Woman.
07:35Dog.
07:36Woman.
07:37Dog.
07:38Bitch.
07:38I'm a bastard son of a bitch.
07:40Thirsty.
07:45In that case, you are a fornicating baboon.
07:52What?
07:55Uh, you.
07:57You.
07:57Uh, you.
07:58You.
07:58Uh, you.
07:59You.
07:59You.
07:59You.
07:59You're, uh, fornicating.
08:02Yes.
08:02I can't really do it in this box.
08:06Tus.
08:08Testicolos.
08:09My, um.
08:10Ah, yes.
08:11Those.
08:11Yes.
08:13Sobre un fuego grande.
08:15Over a large...
08:17Fuego.
08:17Fuego.
08:18Fuego.
08:19Oh, fire.
08:19Fire.
08:20Ah, good.
08:20Right.
08:21So, let's recap.
08:22Um, if I admit that I'm in love...
08:25No!
08:26No!
08:27Sorry.
08:28Head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles
08:36with a blunt instrument...
08:39Una guadagna!
08:39Una guadagna!
08:40Yeah.
08:40Resembling some kind of gardening tool, but we can't quite do that.
08:44Ah, ah, ah.
08:45Roast them over a large fire.
08:47Si.
08:48Si.
08:49Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and all his little wizards, you will
08:56hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.
09:02Eee!
09:04And remove my testicles with a blunt instrument.
09:09Oh, I see.
09:10Oh, I see.
09:11Oh, well, in that case, I love Satan.
09:13Oh, ha!
09:16Oh, it's a scythe.
09:23Well, I don't know.
09:24I've looked everywhere.
09:29Perhaps they're not hiding at all.
09:36Perhaps they've been kidnapped.
09:38Nonsense.
09:40As Edmund said, only real idiots get kidnapped.
09:44Do they?
09:48Stop!
09:49Ah!
09:49Huh!
09:50Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:53Forgive me, Herr Black Arrow.
09:55I have been neglecting my duties as a host.
10:00Please accept my Apologues.
10:06i accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode
10:13i hope this scum has not inconvenienced you
10:19it takes more than a maniac trying to cut off my ghoulies to inconvenience me
10:24good if he had inconvenienced you i was going to offer you his tongue believe me sir
10:31if he had inconvenienced me you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer
10:37let me assure you her blackadder if i no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer
10:42you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that if i had inconvenienced you
10:48i would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you his tongue
10:52yes well enough of this banter who the hell are you sausage breast
11:00you do not remember me then here blackadder i don't believe i've had the pleasure oh on
11:04the contrary we have met many times although you knew me by another name do you recall a
11:11mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called otto with whom you used to dine and plot and
11:18plays a biscuit game at old pizzle in dover my god yes i was the waiters i don't believe it
11:30you big sally
11:33will you have another piece of pie my lord but i went to bed with you didn't i
11:41for my country i am willing to make any sacrifice yes but i'm not i must have been paralytic
11:49indeed you were mr floppy yes all right
11:57such a disappointment for a girl yes all right you might be a little joke it really doesn't
12:02matter we'll try again in a few minutes have a look through these naughty parchments oh yes we are
12:08proud of our comic serving wench voice aren't we just we can say zur instead of sir a sense that
12:14all
12:15social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices quiet what else have you
12:20got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire i wonder a brilliant drunk glaswegian no doubt
12:26hilarious black man see you jimmy where am dat warty melon i can't i can't wait for your side
12:34splitting poof and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular but it's such a scream
12:39and most of all i like the one you do all the time the fatted german chamber pot standing in
12:44front of me
12:47you know you talk too much black adam i think it's a case of wearable diarrhea that you're having
12:53hmm i should perhaps tell you that i have given the queen only a week to apply to my ransom
12:59demand
13:00unless she pays up you die horribly she will pay up and then within a week you die horribly horribly
13:10you find yourself amusing blackadder i try not to fly in the face of public opinion you know i think
13:15i think that in a week from now you'll be less in the mood for being amusing at least when
13:20i am in
13:20the mood i can be amusing then choose your next criticism carefully here black and it may be your last
13:26guards fetch his friend
13:37lord melchid we meet again no i i don't think we've had the pleasure you do not recognize me then
13:45let me refresh your memory you remember when you were in cornwall at the monastery there was an old
13:51shepherd with whom you used to talk good lord timkins yes i was one of his sheep
14:00not yes flussy yes but didn't we yes lord
14:11but enough of such pleasant reminiscences eh the guard has found an interesting document in your clothing
14:19oh i shouldn't pay much attention to that if i were you the queen says that she will pay only
14:25one
14:25ransom but it must be the last absolutely the last final full stop never again cost my heart and hope
14:32to be spanked until my bottom goes purple she has a difficult choice in front of her has she not
14:39not
14:39really bad luck melts her still life overrated i reckon yes gentlemen well if you'll excuse me
14:47i have work to do evil plots don't just make themselves you know
14:56dear queen
14:59i evil prince ludwig the indestructible
15:02have your two friends and you must shoes between them the ransom is one million krona
15:12many many apologues for the inconvenience
15:18oh my goodness what a difficult choice but isn't the first difficult choice you've ever had to make
15:23my little tadpole no that's true no in the old days it was all difficult choices should you have
15:29that nursery milk or more cow milk because it's always nursery milk but then left breasty dumpling
15:35or right breasty dumpling because he was always both breasty dumplings ah but then which one first
15:45this is very confusing
15:49lord percy play a while to calm my spirits certainly mum
15:59butter cake butter cake baker's man aha you're it ringa ringa rosie fall fall down
16:07what say you blackadder i i sing a song to keep our spirits up that all depends whether you want
16:13the slop bucket over your head or not well perhaps some pleasant word game it's all right make a sentence
16:22out of the following words face sodding you're shut
16:27for god's sake man we must do something to relieve our minds of the terrible fate that awaits us
16:37awaits you melty not me how's my beard looking
16:41that shall i never see england more a rolling field her swooping swallows and her playful sheep
16:54children i love time too gentlemen the answer has arrived well thank god i'm sick of this place the
17:01conditions are just disgraceful it's like a prison in here i shall read it to you oh a typical master
17:08a criminal loves the sound of his own voice after long and very careful
17:13deliberation the Queen has decided to expense around some money on a big party
17:21just impossible to decide between my two faves so I've decided to keep the cash
17:29have a withy jolly time and try to forget both of you hope you're not too miffed bye
17:44what hope you're not too miffed bye as you can imagine my friends this makes me very unhappy
17:52oh I am sorry but if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to let us say
17:59gain access to your Queen I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life
18:04sentence are you suggesting we betray her oh yes all right what are you saying what a
18:16loyalty on a self-respect what of them nothing so you will both play ball yep oh
18:28what joy see how you collapse before me you great and incorruptible English knobs so
18:35proud of your great big stiff upper lips bloating is a sign of insecurity Ludwig
18:40stop it now do you want to know how to get to the Queen or not yes I saw some
18:45kind of
18:45disguise you know I do a very good Mary Queen of Scots
18:51which one where's my heed what sort of party should it be oh fancy dress I love fancy dress
19:05I think it should be one of those ones where everybody comes with nothing on at all
19:12shut up then I agree with you acting Lord Chamberlain look if we're really going to forget our woes then
19:20we should have as much fun as possible and what could be more fun than a party where people come
19:25dressed as frogs and rabbit and nuns and bits of wood you're not going to come as a bit of
19:33wood
19:33aren't I no oh well how about a pencil then should I come as a pencil you always talk like
19:43this and
19:43you always end up coming as the same thing do I yes you know everybody lassie what does
19:53nursery always come to fancy dress parties dressed as I thought everybody knew yes
19:57everybody apparently except mercy tell her she always comes as a cow that's right a lovely lovely cow
20:07with great big lovely udders swing around going move come to nursery cow you lovely little heifers
20:15oh yes what fun I want to be a cow again please shut up isn't nursery stupid she certainly is
20:23you see we're having a good time already we've completely forgotten about those chaps in prison haven't we
20:41what chaps
20:52my friends I come to bid you farewell these gods will eventually die of old age but their sons will
20:59I'm sure go on attending to your needs thank you for your concern but in fact we intend to escape
21:03with your information gentlemen I intend to bring down your queen and country the master of disguise
21:09will become the master of the road
21:16what were you ever bullied at school what do you mean what all this ranting and raving about power there
21:24must
21:24be some reason for nonsense no good at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity
21:31saw and I
21:33I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.
21:37Shut up! Shut up!
21:40Well, I am King of England.
21:42No one will ever dare call me shorty, greasy, spot spot again.
21:48Touch the nerve there, I think.
21:51What good is it going to do us if we're doomed to rot here until we die?
21:55No, don't worry. I've got a plan.
21:56Really?
21:57Yes. Now that Ludwig's gone, we should have no trouble overcoming the gods.
22:01Germans are sticklers for efficiency and I've been watching their routine.
22:05I've selected the moment when they are at their most vulnerable.
22:08That is when we will attack.
22:09Brilliant! How?
22:11That is the most cunning bit.
22:15I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite!
22:20Right, now this is it. Don't forget, when they are at their most vulnerable.
22:24I'm Spite! I'm Spite! I'm Spite! Halt!
22:26Jingles the keys!
22:29Open the door!
22:32Greetings to the prisoners!
22:36Guten Abend, Englanders come!
22:40March to the table!
22:42Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei!
22:47Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei! Halt!
22:49Food on the table! Eins, zwei!
22:53Stips on the food! Eins, zwei!
22:58Insulting farewell gesture to the prisoners! Eins, zwei! Eins, zwei!
23:02Hey! Now!
23:04Ooooooooh!
23:05Trust me to get the hard one!
23:07You know what!
23:16Yo-hoo-hoo! Off with our heads!
23:21Mum, it is brilliant. Your father is born again.
23:26Well, it's Ballywell, hope not, or else I won't be queen any more.
23:32Yours is pretty good, too. What is it?
23:35Oh, it's nothing, Mum. It's just a mere trifle I threw together.
23:40It doesn't look much like a trifle.
23:42It's more like a fruit salad to me.
23:46I see, Nessie's really excelled herself.
23:49Moo!
23:52Yes, she has.
23:55I'm not sure about this, then.
23:58What are you meant to be?
24:00A pencil case.
24:06Yes!
24:09Oh, it's just like Papa's and I had when I was tiny.
24:12We had tea and cakes and venison
24:15and then a trip with a couple of little friends to the executions.
24:19How sweet.
24:20If I wanted any of my little friends executed, that is.
24:24Oh, how I do wish Edmund could be here.
24:28He always loved parties
24:30and always, always wore very, very tights' tights.
24:37Edmund who?
24:38Edmund Blackadder!
24:40Oh!
24:40Majesty?
24:41Oh, Edmund, but...
24:42Did you ever know me to miss a party?
24:44Oh!
24:46And what about Lord Melchard?
24:48Yes, unfortunately, Mum, he made it too.
24:51Rapture! Joy beyond measure!
24:54Bliss which cannot be counted on one's fingers!
24:57Oh!
24:59Bad!
25:05Sorry, Edmund.
25:07Nothing?
25:09Yes, um...
25:11Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier,
25:14nothing much has changed around here.
25:16Your animal still isn't house-trained,
25:20Percy's still unemployed
25:21and nurse is one stick short of a bundle.
25:24Ooh!
25:24Bias!
25:26Thank you for reminding me.
25:27Ah!
25:29Nurse!
25:30You've killed, Nurse!
25:32That's horrid!
25:34Scots!
25:35Scots!
25:35Take him away and execute him!
25:37He's killed, Nursey!
25:38Can anyone help me with my others?
25:42Yes, yes.
25:43Yes.
25:44And may I introduce our erstwhile captor,
25:48Prince Ludwig the Indestructible.
25:52Ah!
25:52Queen Elizabeth, we meet again.
25:55Oh, no, I don't think so, actually.
25:59Yes, you remember when you were young
26:01and your father used to take you hiding
26:04on a magnificent grey pony
26:06that he used to kiss and fondle in the stable yard.
26:11I...
26:12I was a tall and attractive German stable lad who held him.
26:17Yes?
26:17Yes.
26:18You?
26:19Uh-huh.
26:19Shorty greeting Spotspot?
26:21No!
26:22No, no, no!
26:24You and all of you regret the day that you have mocked my complexion!
26:29I shall return and wreak my re-wingy!
26:34Well, you will die and be buried!
26:37Out!
26:38Hooray!
26:40Strange man.
26:43But how did you know it was him?
26:45This was the information with which we bought our lives.
26:49We told him that if the Queen was having a party,
26:51that Nursey always goes as a cow.
26:54From that moment, he was doomed.
26:55All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.
27:00But how could you be sure it was not Nursey?
27:03Because, Lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise.
27:07Whereas Nursey is a sad, insane old woman with another fixation.
27:12All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.
27:18That was the mistake I knew that Ludwig would make.
27:21His disguise was too good.
27:23Gosh, Edmund, how brilliant.
27:25Welcome home.
27:26Well, I must say, ma'am, it's good to be back.
27:28Welcome, Edmund!
27:30Did you...
27:31miss me?
27:32I certainly did.
27:34Many was the time, Percy, I said to myself,
27:36I wish Percy was here.
27:39Being tortured instead of me.
27:42Girl, we have missed your wit.
27:45Do you miss me, my lord?
27:48Um...
27:49Bored, Rick, is it?
27:50That's right.
27:51No, not really.
27:54And me.
27:56Did you miss me, Edmund?
27:58Madam,
28:00life without you was like...
28:02a broken pencil.
28:05Explain.
28:07Pointless.
28:25Blackadder!
28:27Blackadder!
28:28Blackadder!
28:28Blackadder!
28:28He beats the Hun by luck!
28:32Blackadder!
28:34Blackadder!
28:35Blackadder!
28:35He's smarter than a duck!
28:39Blackadder!
28:41Blackadder!
28:42Blackadder!
28:46Blackadder!
28:47Blackadder!
28:49Blackadder!
28:49Blackadder!
28:52Blackadder!
28:53Blackadder!
29:08now this is a disguise I'm really going to enjoy if I can just get the voice right
Comments