- 19 hours ago
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00:17I don't know.
00:44Go away.
00:45Well, Lord, there is someone at the door to see you.
00:48Oh, God.
00:50What time is it?
00:51Four o'clock.
00:53Baldrick, I've told you before, you mustn't let me sleep all day.
00:56This woman charges by the hour.
01:00My Lord, it's four o'clock in the morning.
01:02Someone wants to see me at four in the morning.
01:05What is he, a giant lark?
01:08No, he's a priest.
01:10Tell him I'm Jewish.
01:12Aren't you going to introduce me, then?
01:14What?
01:15Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?
01:17Oh, very well, but I think you're making a mistake.
01:20Baldrick, I'm delighted to introduce you to...
01:23I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name.
01:25Molly.
01:26Of course, Molly.
01:26Baldrick, this is Molly, a dear friend of mine.
01:29I'm not dear.
01:31I'm very reasonable, actually, Baldrick.
01:34Most girls will charge an extra sixpence for all the horrible things he wants.
01:37Yes, all right, all right, all right.
01:39Baldrick, this is Molly, an inexpensive prostitute.
01:42Molly, this is Baldrick, a pointless peasant.
01:45Now, murder...
01:46Yeah, well, what about this priest?
01:48Tell him to take his sacred backside out of here.
01:51And what's more, if he comes begging again, tell him I shall report him to the Bishop of Bath and
01:56Wales,
01:56who drowns babies during christenings and eats them in the vestry afterwards.
02:00Bye, good morning.
02:03Bye, Baldrick.
02:06Bye-bye, Molly.
02:08I say, get out!
02:11Well, you're a one, aren't you?
02:13When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like,
02:16goodness, something twice the size of the royal bard who's just hoved into view between the sheets.
02:21You don't say a word, but enter the creature from the black latrine and you won't stop jabbering.
02:28You're treating me like a human being.
02:30Look, if I'd wanted a lecture on the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther.
02:38Yes, Baldrick, what is it now?
02:41It's that priest, he says he still wants to see you.
02:44And did you mention the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales?
02:47I did, my lord.
02:47What did he say?
02:48He said I am the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wales.
02:52Good lord.
02:54You haven't any children, have you, Blackadder?
02:56No, no, I'm not married.
02:58In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business.
03:02Do you know what day it is today?
03:05No, I don't.
03:06It is exactly one year ago to the day that the Bank of the Black Monks of St. Herod,
03:12banking with a smile and a stab, of which I am the assistant manager,
03:17lends you £1,000.
03:22Our motto is repayment or revenge.
03:29Of course, and naturally I would have paid you back, but unfortunately, and this is the real bugger,
03:34I've gone and lost my wallet.
03:37It is disastrous.
03:39It had all my addresses in it, all those little notes saying, forget ye not, and of course, all my
03:44money.
03:45As no concern of mine, the debt is now due.
03:48Not to repay a loan is a sin, and we Black Monks, we hate sin.
03:52Ah, um, your place?
03:55May I introduce my mother?
03:59Good morning, my dear.
04:03I hope you haven't forgotten our appointment.
04:07Of course not, Pompey.
04:09Dear, I have a mind, my pretty, to play nuns and novices, so don't forget your wimple.
04:16But as for you, you come with me.
04:20Where?
04:21To visit the last poor fool who lost his wallet.
04:26Oh!
04:31William Greaves, born 1513 in Chelmsford with the love of Christ,
04:36died 1563 in agony with a spike up his bottom.
04:43Oh, tis ever and so, nuncle, with the Black Monks.
04:48Oh, scream, did he?
04:50Scream and gurgle as they skewered his cat flap for want of a father.
04:55I think you'll get my message.
04:57Um, yes, yes, indeed.
04:59But tell me, Bishop, let me just test the water here, so to speak.
05:03Um, supposing I was to say to you something like I'm a close friend of the Queen's,
05:07and I think she'd be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the wimple,
05:11so why don't we just call it quits, a fatso?
05:17I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you,
05:21and secondly, you'll regret calling me fatso later today.
05:27Ah.
05:28I will have my money by even some tonight,
05:31or...
05:34Your bottom will wish it had never been born!
05:40Oh!
05:43Poor Tom's a cold.
05:46Pity poor Tom,
05:47for his nose is frozen,
05:49and he does shiver,
05:51and...
05:52is mad!
05:53Oh, shut up!
05:56So, lads,
05:57I'm up a certain creek without a certain instrument.
06:00Either I raise £1,000 by this evening,
06:03or I get murdered.
06:04What should I do?
06:05It's obvious.
06:06What?
06:07You'll have to get murdered.
06:09You'll never raise that sort of money.
06:11Oh, come now, poor Drake.
06:13A piffling thousand?
06:15Pay the fellow Edmund and damn his impudence.
06:18I haven't got a thousand,
06:20dunghead.
06:20I've got 85 quid in the whole world.
06:23But you're always boasting to the Queen
06:24about how wealthy you are.
06:26Ah,
06:26a cunning web of deceit
06:28subtly spun about the court
06:29to improve my standing, unfortunately.
06:32What?
06:32You mean you've been...
06:34dipping?
06:36Yep.
06:37My whole life has been a tissue of whoppers.
06:40I consider myself
06:41one of England's finest liars.
06:43Oh, my God, Percy.
06:44A giant hummingbird
06:46is about to eat your hat and cloak.
06:47Oh, no!
06:47You see, I'm terrific.
06:53It seems to have gone now.
06:57Couldn't you just dip into the family fortune?
06:59There isn't one.
07:00My father blew it all on wine,
07:02women, and amateur dramatics.
07:05At the end,
07:06he was eking out a living
07:07doing humorous impressions
07:08of Anne of Cleves.
07:10Oh, Edwin,
07:11I'm sorry.
07:11I had no idea.
07:14But do not despair,
07:15for I have some small savings
07:17carefully harvested
07:18from my weekly allowance
07:20set aside against my
07:21frail old age.
07:23By lucky hapt,
07:24it's just over a thousand,
07:25methinks,
07:26and has for years
07:27been hidden beyond the wit
07:28of any thief
07:29in an old sock
07:30under the squeaky floorboard
07:32behind the kitchen dresser.
07:37You've seen it?
07:39Seen it,
07:39pinched it,
07:40spent it.
07:44And the same goes
07:45for the two farthings
07:46Boric thinks he's got
07:47hidden inside
07:47that mouldy potato.
07:48Oh, bloody hell.
07:53then you are doomed.
07:56Alas,
07:59for God's sake,
08:01let us sit upon the carpet
08:04and tell sad stories.
08:07Certainly not.
08:08When Lord Blackadder
08:09is in trouble,
08:09he does not sit about.
08:10You won't be able to sit about
08:12with a spike up your bottom.
08:13Well, is it?
08:14But still,
08:16I've got 85 quid
08:17and that's a start.
08:18I'm sure I'll think
08:19of something
08:19as long as I'm not disturbed.
08:22My Lord,
08:22the Queen does demand
08:23your urgent presence
08:24on pain of death.
08:25Oh, damn.
08:26The path of my life
08:27is strewn with cowpats
08:30from the devil's own
08:31satanic herd.
08:36Madam,
08:37you sent for me.
08:38Did I?
08:40I don't remember.
08:42I don't know
08:43what is scatterbrain I am.
08:45Now.
08:51Well, perhaps, Mum,
08:52if I might be allowed
08:53to withdraw,
08:54I have one or two
08:55tiny matters to attend to.
08:56Certainly.
09:06That was a terrific joke,
09:08wasn't it?
09:08Oh, magnificent.
09:09You're so naughty.
09:11What, my lady?
09:13I do know why
09:14I wanted to see you
09:15and I just pretended
09:16I didn't
09:17and I told you
09:18and it worked brilliantly,
09:20didn't it?
09:21It was terrific,
09:23Madam.
09:24I thank God
09:25I wore my corset
09:27because I think
09:28my sides have split.
09:34So, why
09:35did you want to see me?
09:37To crack the lovely joke.
09:39Or perhaps, Blackadder,
09:41you don't think
09:41the Queen's jokes
09:42are funny enough
09:43for you to be troubled with.
09:45Au contraire.
09:45I'm ecstatic
09:46about the whole incident.
09:47I only didn't laugh out loud
09:49because I was afraid
09:50if I did,
09:51my head would have fallen off.
09:54If you don't start soon,
09:56your head will fall off.
10:02Now, pay Melchie
10:03his £85
10:04and run along.
10:06£85?
10:07Yes.
10:08We had a bet.
10:09I said that
10:10you wouldn't fall
10:10for my trick
10:11and Melchie said you would
10:12because I'm so super
10:13and you're so stupid.
10:15So, you owe him
10:17£85.
10:18Oh, fine, fine.
10:20I mean,
10:21it's only money,
10:22isn't it?
10:24I cannot believe it.
10:26She drags me all the way
10:28from Billingsgate
10:29to Richmond
10:29to play about
10:30the weakest practical joke
10:32since Cardinal Wolsey
10:33got his knob out
10:34at Hampton Court
10:37and stood at the end
10:38of the passage
10:39pretending to be a door.
10:43Oh, shut up, Baldus.
10:44You'd laugh
10:45at a Shakespeare comedy.
10:47Edmund!
10:47Oh, Edmund,
10:48I've awaited your return.
10:50And thank God you did
10:51for I was just thinking,
10:52my God,
10:53I die in 12 hours.
10:55What I really need now
10:56is a hug
10:56from a complete pratt.
11:00But fear not,
11:01for I have a plan
11:02to save the life
11:03of my dear, dear friend.
11:04Look, I'm not interested
11:05in your bloody friends.
11:06What about me?
11:08Not bad, Edmund.
11:09This is a good one.
11:10Oh, all right, then.
11:11What's your big plan,
11:13blockhead?
11:15I intend to discover
11:16this very afternoon
11:19the secret of alchemy,
11:21the hidden art
11:23of turning base things
11:26into gold.
11:28I see.
11:29And the fact
11:29that this secret
11:30has eluded
11:31the most intelligent people
11:32since the dawn of time
11:33doesn't dampen
11:34your spirits.
11:36Oh, no.
11:37I like a challenge.
11:40Well, Baldus,
11:41I lost the 85 quid.
11:43The grave opens up
11:45before me
11:45like a big hole
11:47in the ground.
11:49Well, I did have
11:50one idea, my lord,
11:51but...
11:52No, it's stupid.
11:54What is it?
11:55Well, I have heard
11:56there's good money
11:57to be made
11:58down the docks.
12:01Doing favours
12:03for sailors.
12:08Favours?
12:09What do you mean?
12:10Delivering messages,
12:11sewing on buttons,
12:12like a...
12:13Um, not quite.
12:16Baldrick.
12:17My lord?
12:17Are you suggesting
12:19that I become
12:20a rent boy?
12:22Oh, good-looking bloke
12:23like you.
12:24Posh accent,
12:25nice legs.
12:25You can make a bomb.
12:27Just stick a pink carnation
12:28in your hat
12:29and, uh,
12:30make the old sign.
12:31I'd rather die.
12:33Oh, fair enough.
12:34That's all right, then.
12:34I'll just put the kettle
12:35on while we wait,
12:36shall I?
12:36God, I'll take it for us.
12:38With a slight alteration,
12:40your sick and sordid plan
12:42might just work.
12:51Give me a kiss
12:52and I'll give you a penny.
12:55A penny?
12:56Well, all right,
12:56let's have it.
12:58All right, go on.
12:59Nothing fancy,
13:00just a peck.
13:01I'll miss my mum,
13:02you see.
13:03When I was a little kid,
13:04my mother always used to come...
13:06Now, get her move on.
13:06He's a prostitute,
13:07not an agony aunt.
13:09Go on, please.
13:11Just a little peck on the cheek
13:12and say,
13:13there, there, Arthur.
13:15Mummy will kiss it better
13:16and you shall have a story.
13:18Well, I don't know.
13:20Do you do requests,
13:21Morric?
13:22Well, kinky stuff.
13:23Yeah, I'm going.
13:24Oh, God, please.
13:26Oh, I miss my mum so much.
13:29I mean,
13:29she was like a mum to me.
13:32All right, go on, boy.
13:38Forgotten what I'm supposed to say.
13:39Oh, get out of the way.
13:41I'll do it.
13:43There, there, Arthur.
13:45Mummy, kiss it better
13:46and you shall have a story.
13:48What kind of a story?
13:50Well, I don't know.
13:51One about a squirrel, as it was.
13:53And then Squirry the Squirrel went...
13:55Neep, neep, neep.
13:57And they all went home for tea.
13:59Oh, thanks very much,
14:01me old shivering mateys.
14:02That was wonderful.
14:04Now then,
14:05how much do you charge
14:06for a good hard shag?
14:16A thousand pounds.
14:18A thousand pounds?
14:20You've got to be joking.
14:21Well, I'm sure we could negotiate.
14:27Right, so we've got sixpence.
14:32Yeah, now,
14:33all we need to do, my lord,
14:35is to go down the cockfights
14:36and put it on a bird
14:37that's a dead cert
14:38but has got odds of 40,000 to one.
14:42Know you of such a bird?
14:43No.
14:45But we could make one.
14:48No, we couldn't, Baldrick.
14:50Oh, God,
14:51I suppose you have to be told sometime.
14:53Sit down.
14:55What happens is
14:56a mummy bird
14:57and a daddy bird
14:58who love each other very much
15:01get certain urges.
15:02No, no, my lord,
15:03what I mean is
15:04we could get a mad, wild killer bull
15:06and disguise it as a bird.
15:10But it'll be such a strange-looking bird
15:13that no-one will back it.
15:14But we'll know it's a killer bull
15:16so we'll put money on it.
15:17Only we will know.
15:19Yeah, if we stick enough feathers on it
15:21and hang an egg between its legs.
15:22Yes, all right, all right.
15:25A chat with you
15:26and somehow death loses its sting.
15:29My lord,
15:30the Queen does demand
15:31your urgent presence
15:31on pain of death.
15:33You're not making any friends here.
15:34You do know that, don't you, ma'am?
15:39Madam,
15:40you sent for me again.
15:41Yes, Edmund.
15:43I wanted to apologise
15:44for the silly trick I played on you.
15:47Ah.
15:48It was naughty and bad of me.
15:50It was my little rosebud.
15:51And if you weren't quite so big,
15:53it'd be time for Mr and Mrs Spank
15:55to pay a short, sharp trip to Bottyland.
15:59Thank you, Nancy.
16:01And thank you, Edmund.
16:03That's all?
16:04Yes.
16:06Thanks for coming.
16:19That was very funny, too, wasn't it?
16:23My lady?
16:24Drag it, you all the way across town again.
16:27Just to say sorry for dragging you all the way across town
16:30for the first time.
16:31It was Melchia's idea.
16:34I think it's wonderful, don't you?
16:36It's fantastic.
16:37Melchia, I prostrate myself
16:39at the feet of the world's greatest living comedian.
16:43Oh, you are super, Edmund.
16:46Oh, Edmund,
16:47I promised Lord Melchia
16:49that I would play a shelf halfpenny with him,
16:51but we have no coin.
16:52Do you have a halfpenny?
16:54Unfortunately, only a sixpence, ma'am.
16:56What a shame.
16:56Oh, no, a sixpence would do just as well.
17:00Oh, good.
17:04Oh, God.
17:06This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers
17:08after the Hundred Years' War.
17:11Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?
17:15My lord, success!
17:17What?
17:18After literally an hour's sixpence searching,
17:21I have succeeded in creating gold.
17:24Pure gold!
17:25Are you sure?
17:26Yes, my lord.
17:30Behold!
17:34Percy, it's green.
17:37That's right, my lord.
17:39Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything,
17:41but the colour of gold is gold.
17:43That's why it's called gold.
17:45What you have discovered,
17:47if it has a name,
17:48is some green.
17:54Oh, Edmund,
17:57can it be true
17:59that I hold here
18:00in my mortal hand
18:03a nugget of purest green?
18:07Indeed, you do, Percy,
18:08except, of course, it's not really a nugget, is it?
18:10It's more of a splat.
18:12Well, yes, a splat today,
18:15but tomorrow,
18:16who knows
18:17or dares to dream?
18:19So we three alone
18:21in all the world
18:22can create the finest green
18:23at will.
18:25Just so.
18:26I'm not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
18:29Of course, you know what your great discovery means,
18:31don't you, Percy?
18:32Perhaps, my lord.
18:33That you, Percy,
18:34Lord Percy,
18:35are an utter burke.
18:39Baldrick?
18:40Hello.
18:41Pack my bags,
18:41I'm going to sell the house.
18:42What?
18:43What?
18:43There's nothing else for it.
18:44I mean,
18:45I shall miss the old place,
18:46I know.
18:47I've had some happy times here
18:49when you and Percy have been out.
18:52But needs must
18:53when the devil
18:54vomits into your kettle.
18:57Baldrick,
18:58go forth into the streets
18:59and let it be known
19:00that Lord Blackadder
19:01wishes to sell his house.
19:02Percy,
19:03just go forth into the street.
19:07This is the den.
19:09Oh, dear.
19:10But I have to tell you,
19:12Mr. Pants,
19:13that I've had
19:14an extremely encouraging nibble
19:16from another client
19:17and I think you know me well enough
19:19to know that I'm not the sort of man
19:20to ignore a nibble for long.
19:22I noticed some dry rot
19:24in the bedrooms, Timothy.
19:26Well, Mrs. Pants,
19:27dry rot is as dry rot does.
19:29Stop me if I'm getting too technical.
19:31And the clothes are perhaps
19:32a little uneven?
19:33Indeed, yes, madam,
19:34and at no extra cost.
19:37Strange smell.
19:38Yes, that's the servant.
19:39He'll be gone.
19:41You've really worked out
19:42your banter, haven't you?
19:44No, not really.
19:45This is a different thing.
19:46It's spontaneous
19:46and it's called wit.
19:49What about the privies?
19:50When the master craftsman
19:52who created this home
19:53was looking at the sewage,
19:54he said to himself,
19:55Romeo,
19:56what was his name?
19:57Romeo,
19:58let's make them functional
20:00and comfortable.
20:01Oh, well,
20:02that seems nice,
20:03doesn't it, dear?
20:04I think we understand
20:05each other's eyes.
20:05So,
20:06so then,
20:06drink.
20:07But what about
20:08the privies?
20:10Well,
20:12what we're talking about
20:13in, um,
20:14privy terms
20:15is the very latest
20:16in front wall
20:17fresh air orifices
20:19combined with a
20:20wide capacity
20:21gutter installation
20:22below.
20:24You mean
20:25you crap
20:25out of the window?
20:30Yes.
20:32Well,
20:33in that case,
20:34we'll definitely
20:34take it.
20:36I can't stand
20:37those dirty
20:38indoor things.
20:42There.
20:43That's the lot.
20:44He only wanted
20:45to pay a thousand,
20:46but I managed to
20:47beat him up
20:47to 1100.
20:48Edward,
20:49you wily old
20:50trickster, you.
20:51Credit where credit's due.
20:52I just named the price.
20:53It was Baldrick
20:54who actually beat him up.
20:57Percy,
20:58what is that
20:59on the front
20:59of your tunic?
21:01Ah,
21:02it is a brooch,
21:03my lord.
21:03A brooch
21:04cunningly fashioned
21:05from pure green.
21:08It looks like
21:09you've sneezed.
21:12It is with
21:13trinkets such as
21:14this brooch
21:14and here
21:15a ring
21:17that I intend
21:18to revive
21:19your fortunes
21:20and buy back
21:20your house.
21:22You think
21:22there's a big market
21:23for jewellery
21:23that looks like
21:24snot, then?
21:26My lord,
21:27the eyes are open,
21:28the mouth moves,
21:29but Mr Brain
21:30has long since
21:31departed, hasn't he?
21:33My lord.
21:34Ah, messenger,
21:35thank God you came.
21:36Percy and I
21:37could not have
21:37waited another second
21:38without you.
21:41Majesty.
21:42Thank God
21:43you were right.
21:44Terrible news.
21:45What?
21:46The French
21:47intend to invade,
21:48Black Adam.
21:48My God.
21:50So I need some money?
21:53Yes, every nobleman
21:54must pay £500
21:55towards the upkeep
21:56of the navies.
21:57But we've decided
21:58to make you
21:59a special case.
22:00Oh, thank you, ma'am.
22:01Melchie here
22:01hasn't got a bean,
22:03so we thought
22:03as you're so
22:04fabulously wealthy,
22:05you could pay for both.
22:06It would be awfully sweet of you.
22:08Yes, unfortunately, ma'am,
22:09I'm in the middle
22:10of a cash flow crisis
22:11and I just haven't
22:11got any money on me.
22:13But Edmund...
22:14Sorry, ma'am.
22:16What's that
22:16in your tights?
22:17Oh, good Lord.
22:21It looks like
22:22just over £1,000.
22:25So it is.
22:26I thought you said
22:27you didn't have any.
22:29Oh, I thought
22:29you meant real money.
22:30Oh, this is just
22:31a bit of loose change.
22:32I must have left it
22:33in my cordpiece
22:33when I sent
22:34these tights the laundry.
22:36£1,000
22:37just loose
22:38in your tights?
22:38That is flat.
22:40Anyway, have it over.
22:43Thanks.
22:44Bye.
22:44Bye.
22:46Well, goodbye, indeed.
22:49Goodbye, Mum.
22:51Goodbye, Melchip.
22:53Goodbye, Nancy.
22:56Bye.
23:03Bye.
23:04Bye.
23:11Oh, sale, Edmund.
23:15It was completely full.
23:18It's a brilliant job, Betty.
23:20Brilliant, Mel.
23:23And now I'm going to have you executed.
23:27Majesty?
23:28It's for taking the mickey out of my beloved Edmund so cruelly.
23:33I'm going to knock your block off.
23:36Majesty, I only have to please.
23:39Oh, please! I so want to leave.
23:41Oh!
23:43Oh!
23:45Oh!
23:46Ah! Ah!
23:47Ah!
23:49Ah!
23:50Ah!
23:52Ah, praise the Lord for the gift of laughter.
23:59Right, Baldus, I've lost the money. I'm going to have to run away.
24:02Why, my Lord?
24:02I want to avoid these monks, of course.
24:04There's no point.
24:05The Black Bank's got branches everywhere.
24:07Oh.
24:13If I die, Baldry, do you think people would remember me?
24:17Yeah, of course they would.
24:18Yes, I suppose so.
24:20Yeah, people would always be slapping each other on the shoulders and laughing and saying,
24:24Do you remember old privy breath?
24:28Do people call me privy breath?
24:30Yeah.
24:30The ones who like you.
24:33Am I, then, not popular?
24:36Um, well, put it this way.
24:38When people slip in what dogs have left in the street, they do tend to say,
24:41whoops, I've trodden an Edmund.
24:44Oh, bloody cheek.
24:46Now, I'll show them.
24:47What, have you got a plan, my Lord?
24:49Yes, I have.
24:49And it's so cunning, you could brush your teeth with it.
24:53All I need is some feathers, a dress, some oil, an easel, some sleeping draught, lots of paper, a prostitute,
25:00and the best portrait painter in England.
25:02I'll get them right away, my Lord.
25:06My Lord, the most famous portrait painter in England, Mr. Leonardo Acropolis.
25:13Right, are you any good?
25:14No, I am a Jane-o.
25:18Well, you better be, or you're dead.
25:21Right, in the bedroom, beard-face.
25:23Walrick, get the door.
25:24My Lord.
25:24Go, right.
25:36My Lord.
25:38The Bishop of Bath and Wells.
25:41The time has come, Black Adam.
25:44Oh, hello, Bish.
25:45Black monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.
25:51You enjoy your work, don't you?
25:53Bits of it, yeah.
25:55The violent bits.
25:56Yes.
25:57You see, I am a colossal pervert.
26:02No form of sexual depravity is too low for me.
26:07Animal, vegetable, or mineral, I'll do anything to anything.
26:12Fine words for a bishop.
26:14Yes, nice to hear the church speaking out for a change on social issues.
26:18Have you got the money?
26:20Nope.
26:21Good.
26:21I hate it when people pay up.
26:24Say your prayers, Black Adam.
26:26It's poker time!
26:28Fine.
26:30Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?
26:33No.
26:34No, no, no.
26:35I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is concerned, my only vice is a little
26:41tipple before even song.
26:43Oh, thank you.
26:48Bend over, Black Adam!
26:51This is where you get...
26:54Drunk, my God!
26:56It's not my ball, Rick, actually, but the effect is much the same.
27:01Wakey-wakey, Bish.
27:02Dear me, you clerics really are slugger beds.
27:05Where am I?
27:06I remember...
27:08Drunk.
27:09That's right.
27:10You should have killed me while you had the chance.
27:14You have looked in wonder at your last dawn, Black Adam.
27:18Well, I'm not so sure about that.
27:20I did wonder, though, what people who saw this might think.
27:24Heavens above, what creatures from hell are those?
27:28They make an interesting couple, don't they?
27:30I think you probably recognise this huge, sweating mound of blubber here.
27:35Hey, petso?
27:38That, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, there's no point anyway.
27:41We have the preliminary sketches.
27:43Soon, soon bang off a couple of copies.
27:46Let's see, one for the Queen, one for the Archbishop.
27:48A couple kept aside, perhaps, to form the basis of an exciting exhibition
27:51of challenging young artists' work.
27:53By the homes of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?
27:56And it's so beautifully framed, don't you think?
27:59This is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
28:03You've been, never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity?
28:09Have you ever considered a career in the church?
28:13No, I can never get used to the underwear.
28:16And what I could use, though, is, say, £1,100 to buy back my house,
28:19£4,000 to cover some sundry expenses,
28:22ten shillings for the two doors,
28:24and, let's say, threepence for a celebratory slap-up binge
28:27at Mrs. Miggins' pie shop?
28:29Yes, yes, yes, but first, one question.
28:32Who is the second figure?
28:35Who could you have got to have performed such deeds,
28:38to have gone lower that man has ever gone,
28:40to have plunged the depths of degradation
28:43just in order to save your filthy life?
28:47Ah.
28:51Percy, may I introduce His Grace,
28:54the Bishop of Barton-Wells?
28:56Your Grace, Lord Percy Percy,
28:58heir to the Duchy of Northumberland.
29:01Hello.
29:05It was lovely working with you.
29:10Take heed, the moral of this tale
29:13Be not a borrower or lender
29:17And if your finances do fail
29:20Make sure your banker's not a bender
29:24Blackadder, Blackadder
29:27He trusted in the church
29:32Blackadder, Blackadder
29:35It left him in the match
29:38Blackadder, Blackadder
29:41His life was almost done
29:45Blackadder, Blackadder
29:49Who gives a toss, no one
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