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00:21Wittbury Newtown Leisure Centre, welcome to the 21st century.
00:30Oh dear.
00:34Macrobyte, Dwayne speaking. How may I help you?
00:36Hello, it's me again.
00:38Hello, Mr British.
00:40Right, now, I've configured my system memory, added RAM drive command line at the MS-DOS prompt, specified a path
00:47of 32470 kilobytes capacity, default 512 sector size, copied the expanded memory emulator .486 and allocated 192 handles and 238
00:58fast alternate register sets.
00:59Reserving 177 kilobytes for buffered direct memory access.
01:04So, what seems to be the problem?
01:06Well, I got a bit of doughnut down my scroll key.
01:10Do I just leave it there?
01:12Or poke it out with a pencil?
01:17Welcome back, everyone.
01:18Hope you all had a good week.
01:19Oh, it's so good to be back, Mr British.
01:21So, what's the big surprise there, Mr British?
01:22Yeah, we noticed you changed the locks.
01:25Locks? We don't have locks anymore, Julie.
01:27We've got time instigated, totally integrated security.
01:31We've got titties.
01:33As from today, these doors are programmed to open at 7.30am precisely and close at 9.30pm precisely.
01:42Not a second sooner, not a second later.
01:45And they're due to open in exactly five seconds from now.
02:00Right, if I can have your attention, everyone, please, for one minute.
02:05Up until last week, all of us at this centre have been groping around brainlessly in a fetid primeval swamp.
02:13Oh, thanks, Mr British. We enter, please.
02:16As from today, we crawl onto dry land, sprout legs and learn to walk.
02:21Hey, did you lock up the nightners?
02:23You know what happened to Paul on the road to Damascus?
02:26Well, it happened to me at the Basingstoke software show.
02:29I'm pleased to announce that everything in the centre, from salaries to the steam flow in the sauna,
02:37everything has been computerised.
02:39Heating, lighting, the lot.
02:41Carol, come here.
02:43Now, in the dark old days, when someone came in wanting to go for a swim, what happened?
02:48Well, he'd give us £1.50, Miss Bruce, and we'd give him a ticket.
02:51Exactly. Out of the ark.
02:53As from today, this is what will happen.
02:56Right, name.
03:00Age.
03:03Male, female.
03:05Swimming standard.
03:08Foot or mouth infection.
03:11Lane swimming or splash around.
03:14Goggles needed.
03:17Shampoo.
03:20Use centre before.
03:23Daily papers taken.
03:26Two most recent holidays.
03:29Booking complete.
03:31Well, that seems to take a while.
03:33Carol, into the envelope, please.
03:35Your ticket, madam.
03:37Do I get airmails?
03:38What is more, we have an advanced booking facility of three years.
03:43So, if someone runs a tight sort of diary, wants to book in a game of squash for, say, 2
03:48.30pm, October 25th, 1999, they only have to ask...
03:55Yes!
03:56It's a court-free.
03:57Right, follow me, everyone, please!
04:00So, the pool is at a pleasant 72 degrees, which is automatically set to adjust by a maximum of 5
04:07degrees Fahrenheit either way at the height of winter and summer.
04:11Now, Linda.
04:12Yes, Miss British.
04:13A swimmer comes up to you while you're on duty and asks for a float.
04:16What do you do?
04:20New procedure.
04:23Right, you go into your swimming pool file, click on equipment, click on floats, there, total stock 360, units available
04:32360, click OK, enter, float order slip number 0001.
04:39What could be simpler?
04:41Just taking the float.
04:42Ah, yes, but what if someone's reserved a float over the phone in advance, then comes to the centre to
04:47find out they've all been given out in the meantime?
04:49All 360 of them.
04:50Think about it, Linda.
04:52The entire Whitbury Junior School turn up unannounced, plus our Saturday morning Turtles Club.
04:57And somebody wants to make a scale model of Atlantis out of polystyrene.
05:01Good one, Tim, didn't think of that.
05:06Aggravated psoriasis of the elbow and knee joint.
05:10Right, do you need any towels, Colin?
05:12Oh, and of course, ringworm.
05:14Ringworm.
05:15Any towels?
05:16And a little bit of dermatitis down on the end of the night.
05:19Dermatitis.
05:20Any towels, Colin?
05:21And I sometimes get that flaky dandruff, you know, like those little toy school scenes, you shake them and they
05:25go...
05:26Thank you, Colin.
05:28Can we have someone else to volunteer to be a customer for the tan in bed, please?
05:31I've only got ten lines for pre-existing skin conditions.
05:36Right, and now for the piece de resistance.
05:40Timothy, you've arranged to play squash with Gavin, you're all set and raring to go,
05:44when suddenly he stands you up cos he's decided to go out with his girlfriend.
05:49Course of action.
05:51Well, there are a number of options, Mr Brittus.
05:53Tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with his CD player.
05:56No, you play with yourself.
06:03Virtual reality squash.
06:06You may be at home.
06:07You may not want to go out into the traffic.
06:09All you do is dial the centre on your own computer and you can be playing squash in the comfort
06:14of your own sofa.
06:15But Mr Brittus, I thought the whole point of squash was to get fit and lose weight.
06:19In that case, all you do is go to the virtual reality fitness salon.
06:24There you go.
06:25Traction machine, bike, sauna.
06:27The choice is yours.
06:29In five years from now, you won't even need to set foot in the centre.
06:34This is all very impressive, Mr Brittus, but what if there's a power cutter that breaks down?
06:38Yeah.
06:40We have a standby generator and a backup system.
06:42And what if they break down?
06:43Well, we have a backup generator and a standby system.
06:46But the chances, Tim, of that happening are about the same as my winning the lottery.
06:50And where did all the money for this come from, Mr Brittus?
06:52From the lottery.
06:55£27,892 to be precise, plus £13,450 from the European Sports Facilities Capital Improvement Fund.
07:05A windfall that will prove to be a turning point in the operational history of this centre.
07:12And the money will be totally squandered.
07:15We're lucky, Ron.
07:17I've let him oversee everything from the software contracts to buying the hardware.
07:21He's even tried to save money by going on some cockamamie course and installing it himself.
07:26So, fingers crossed for a catastrophe.
07:30The Sports Council Lottery Committee will want his head on a platter.
07:41What the...?
07:48Gordon!
07:52What the hell's this barrier doing here? I can't get in.
07:56The staff car park is now programmed only to accept swipe cards from staff, customers with special needs or VIPs.
08:03What am I, then?
08:04Nothing yet.
08:05I haven't done a code for you yet.
08:08You'll have to be a temporary visitor.
08:10Dial 4921.
08:176774.
08:223.
08:27Get a move on!
08:29We've been here since a quarter to ten!
08:31Please try.
08:32I can't remember!
08:34Think!
08:35March...
08:371976, I think.
08:39March 1976.
08:40Bronze Swimming Certificate.
08:42Now, do you need towels?
08:45No.
08:46Goggles?
08:46No.
08:47Float?
08:47No.
08:48Shampoo?
08:48Oh, I suppose so.
08:50Dry, normal or greasy hair?
08:52What?
08:53Dry, normal or greasy hair?
08:56Greasy.
08:58Greasy?
08:59Now, how long do you intend to spend in the pool?
09:02I don't know.
09:03Well, ten, twenty, thirty, forty-five minutes?
09:05Thirty minutes!
09:07Now, do you want a lane swim or a general splash?
09:12Lane swim!
09:14Crawl, breaststroke, butterfly or back?
09:16I don't know.
09:17I want to do a bit of everything.
09:18Crawl, breaststroke, butterfly or back?
09:20Crawl!
09:22Oh, no, no!
09:23Wait!
09:23Breaststroke!
09:24Oh, it's too late.
09:25Oh, dear.
09:26Pool's full.
09:29But I can sell you a standby ticket.
09:31A standby ticket?
09:32Oh, yes!
09:33Certainly, madam.
09:34No problem.
09:36So, that's Mrs Phillips.
09:38For a standby ticket, swim session in lane two,
09:41with a sachet of shampoo for greasy hair.
09:43Now, if you'd like to wait over there,
09:45I'll call you for the cancellation.
09:47Right, left.
09:49I just want to book a badminton court, please.
09:51Right!
09:53I just have to look up the badminton booking code.
09:57Can you hurry?
09:59I'm trying, I'm trying!
10:01Look!
10:02My life belt!
10:03My wife's drowning!
10:06I think that's under emergencies.
10:09The Sports Council Lottery Committee rep will be here tomorrow at 12 sharp for an initial inspection.
10:15Everything will be going okay with the new system by then?
10:18It is all ready, Councillor.
10:20No teething problems?
10:22Not a squeak.
10:23Watch this.
10:33Oh, there it is!
10:35Oh, thank God!
10:36Oh, no!
10:37It's gone to children's parties!
10:39Oh, no!
11:05It's gone to children's parties!
11:07It's gone to children's parties!
11:18Oh, no!
11:20Oh, no!
11:21It's gone!
11:35Oh, no!
11:36Oh, no!
11:36Oh, yes!
11:37There we are!
11:38Question one.
11:39Are you claustrophobic slash recently widowed slash depressed slash impotent?
11:43Yes, no.
11:44I think you can just choose one, Mrs. Britters.
11:49Depressed.
11:50A bit or very.
11:53I see.
11:55Are you contemplating suicide?
11:58Hmm.
12:00Gas, tablets, carbon monoxide, bodily wounding.
12:04I'll go for gas.
12:05Gas, gas.
12:06It's a good choice.
12:08Hmm.
12:09Now, have you closed windows?
12:11Extinguished all naked flames?
12:12Inform Gasport to settle final account.
12:15Oh, a minute.
12:16This is for people to fill in themselves, isn't it?
12:18Where do I come in?
12:20Do yourself counselling.
12:21We'll soon see about that.
12:24Oh, please have a children's party.
12:26No!
12:26I don't even have any kids.
12:28I can lend you some.
12:29You can help me so much, I can't seem to get out of this file.
12:32Look, I just want a game of badminton.
12:34Look, I tell you what.
12:35Book the children's party, then book the badminton,
12:38and then I'll cancel the children's party afterwards.
12:40All right, all right, fine, anything.
12:43So, you've booked for 45 children,
12:45two helpers, one puppet show,
12:47chicken, dinosaurs and jelly to follow,
12:49on the 5th of July, 1998.
12:51Right.
12:52Now can I book my badminton?
12:54I have to have a £50 deposit for the party first.
12:58Wait.
12:59Did I see a set of golf clubs in here earlier?
13:01Yeah, in the bin.
13:01All right.
13:02Thanks.
13:03What are you doing, Julie?
13:04Christmas cards.
13:05These are for the people who've used the leisure centre once,
13:08these are for the ones who came back,
13:10and this one's for Mr Jones.
13:11Who?
13:12The season ticket holder.
13:21I just found out how to delete a file.
13:25It's a doggle.
13:27Anyone need any help with the roster?
13:29Computer's done it.
13:30The cleaning water.
13:31Computer's done it.
13:32Actually, Colin, you can help me do the vending machine restock.
13:35That's what I like to hear.
13:36Something to get my teeth into.
13:38Right.
13:39I'll press enter, and you can tear off the sheet of paper when it comes out.
13:47Of course, this is just the thin end of the wedge, you know.
13:49What do you mean?
13:49Well, now that everything's on computer, soon Brittles will only need himself and someone to water the plants, because we're
13:56all going to be made redundant.
13:58Mr Brittles would never get rid of us.
14:01I know.
14:01Then tell me this.
14:03Why is it that that computer can take bookings for the next three years, but can only do the staff
14:08roster for the next two weeks?
14:09Oh.
14:10You think about that.
14:11Right, everyone.
14:13I'd just like to say that counselling is now available from me in the utility room for any of your
14:20personal problems, such as bereavement or redundancy.
14:26Oh, but do try not to get post-traumatic stress syndrome, because I spilled coffee over that page.
14:35Almost there.
14:37Look, I don't want to play badminton anymore.
14:39Tough.
14:40I want to go home.
14:41Look, it's not my fault.
14:42It's this wretched thing.
14:43Well, that's what they all say.
14:44People always blame the computers.
14:46What?
14:46Here, let me have a go.
14:48You've got to close down all your files and applications before you open new ones.
14:53Haven't you got a sandpit to go to?
14:56Hey, is everything all right, Carol?
14:58No.
14:58There's nothing wrong with a computer.
15:00It's the people who use it.
15:01So you're a bit of an expert, are you?
15:03I've hacked about in my time.
15:05Do these things ever go wrong?
15:07They can get jammed if a virus gets in.
15:09Really?
15:10And how exactly does a virus get in?
15:13So is that clear?
15:14I need an uninterrupted 15 minutes at this main terminal.
15:17Half now, the rest on completion.
15:19Did you say you once got into a bank?
15:20Southern Provincial.
15:21Transferred 20 million from their investment fund into my dad's bank in the Caymans.
15:25Earned a couple of weeks' interest and put it back.
15:27They still haven't found out.
15:31Can we get a move on?
15:32I've got my mock chemistry at two.
15:35Colin, Tim's called an emergency meeting in the staff room.
15:38Redundant.
15:40Redundant.
15:41If we can convince Britus that the system is unreliable, then maybe it'll bring him to his senses.
15:47Now, this boy Danny's got this special disc thing that he says can jam the system.
15:51All we have to do is get Britus away from his office for 15 minutes until the signal is given.
15:56We'll never get him away from his disc.
15:58He's been chained to that PC ever since it arrived.
16:01Any bright ideas?
16:05Mr Britus?
16:06What is it, Gabby?
16:07Um, I was just wondering, uh, Gordon, if you'd like to go for a drink?
16:14What?
16:16Well, we haven't had a drink together in quite a while.
16:19Gavin, we haven't been for a drink together in six years.
16:22No, well, I just suddenly thought, why not? Just the two of us. Take time out for a while.
16:29Gavin, did Alexander the Great stop off for a gin and tonic when he was conquering Persia?
16:34Oh, please, Gordon, it's just that we don't see as much of you as we used to and, well, I'd
16:41like to see more of you.
16:43That is very touching, Gavin.
16:46Oh, all right, then.
16:50I'll book it in 12.30 Thursday fortnight.
16:53Just a swift half, mind you.
16:56This place means everything to me, Mrs Britus.
16:58It's like a second home.
17:00Oh, it's much more than that, Colin.
17:02Is it?
17:03It's your whole life.
17:05And now you're being thrown on the scrap heap.
17:07Well, it certainly looks that way.
17:10It's like being snatched away from your mother's breast.
17:13Really?
17:14There you were, all snug and cosy, sloshing around in your amniotic fluid.
17:19And now you're being slung out into the cold.
17:22Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.
17:24Resentment is perfectly natural, Colin.
17:26But I don't feel resentful.
17:28What Mr Britus is doing is probably very good for the centre and...
17:31You may be stoical on the surface, Colin, but deep down you're a bubbling cauldron of resentment.
17:35Am I?
17:36Very dangerous.
17:39Why don't you book yourself in for my next anger weekend?
17:43£180, three nights bed and breakfast, including Sunday night karaoke.
17:48OK.
17:49Right, that's your anger out the way.
17:51Now let's deal with your depression.
17:53Hello, Macro Bites.
17:54Dwayne, please.
17:56Dwayne's sick?
17:58That's funny.
17:58He was right as rain two minutes ago.
18:00Mr Britus, come quickly.
18:01What is it, Linda?
18:02Fire.
18:03Fire?
18:04Where?
18:04In the staff room.
18:06Come.
18:06I didn't hear any alarms, Linda.
18:08Still better safe than sorry, eh?
18:13There you go.
18:14All sorted, Linda.
18:22It's no use bottling it up, Colin.
18:24But I'll get over it, won't I?
18:25No, you won't.
18:26This is major trauma, on a par with bereavement.
18:30Now, let's see.
18:31Here we are.
18:32You're going to go through the following stages.
18:34One, shock.
18:35Two, numbness.
18:38Three, tingling.
18:40Partial loss of consciousness.
18:42And paralysis of the limbs.
18:45Oh, no.
18:46Hang on.
18:46That's decompression.
18:51Stop fighting it, Colin.
18:52Let it out.
18:5515 minutes.
18:56How the heck am I going to keep him busy in here for 15 minutes?
18:59Oh, come on, Julie.
19:00I'm sure you'll think of something.
19:01Anyway, I'll give you three buzzes on your intercom when I'm done, all right?
19:04Oh, God.
19:06Hello, Macrobyte.
19:07Macrobyte helpline is now closed.
19:09Our offices are open from 8 to 6...
19:12Eh?
19:13Mr Britus?
19:15Julie, we've got a web.
19:16Fill my box.
19:17I'm getting in now.
19:27Better make this quick, Julie.
19:29I'm spring cleaning me back up, Foals.
19:31Oh.
19:35So far, so good.
19:44Almost done.
19:45It won't take much longer.
19:49Julie!
19:50I'm sorry, Mr Britus.
19:51This is a turn up and a book.
19:53Oh, Mr. Brittis, six years I've been in the office next to you,
19:56watching the way you label your folders and sharpen your pencil.
20:00It sends a tumble down my spine.
20:02I'm very flattered, Julie, but...
20:04I just couldn't help it.
20:06Having the baby, Mr. Brittis, it's made me all confused.
20:09Did I choose the right man?
20:11What am I doing with my life?
20:13And all the while, there you are.
20:16So strong.
20:18So decisive.
20:20So...
20:21It's all right, I'm over it now.
20:25The view of the Sports Council Lottery Committee
20:27is that it's a pretty hefty donation for a municipal leisure centre.
20:32You're sure that this Mr. Brittis knows what he's doing?
20:35Well, I've left everything to him.
20:37He was very insistent on overseeing the whole thing himself.
20:45Just a moment, he's had the parking computerised.
20:55Oh, dear.
20:56Teething problems.
20:59I told you, I'm OK.
21:01It's off to the counselling room for you, young lady.
21:05Everything all right, Carol?
21:06No, it's not, Mr. Brittis.
21:08Learning curve, Carol.
21:10Learning curve.
21:18Do us a post-natal, will you, hell?
21:20She'll sort you out.
21:29Excellent.
21:30Pool temperature's 193.
21:32Air temperature 142.
21:33Oh, marvellous.
21:34Hello, what's this?
21:37Tim Whistler.
21:38Salary.
21:39£3.17.
21:40What?
21:41OK, let me see.
21:42Gavin Featherly.
21:43Salary.
21:45£227,640.
21:46I thought you were just going to jam the system.
21:48I was.
21:49It must have been the way it was installed.
21:50Well, we'll have to shut it down completely.
21:52We'll have to go into override in the main terminal.
21:59Carol, we've got to get back into Brittis's computer.
22:02Oh, whatever you do, don't let him back up, OK?
22:05Right.
22:06Oh, stop it!
22:14Sorry about that delay, gentlemen.
22:17Member of staff with a bit of a personal problem.
22:19And you can't just bung in a new floppy disk, eh?
22:22Nyeh.
22:23Anyway, this is a very proud day
22:27for Whitbury-Newtown Leisure Centre.
22:29Please, this way.
22:35Gentlemen, come through and gaze at the future.
22:42Teething problems, I see.
22:43I'm sure Mr Brittis knows what he's doing.
22:46Typical.
22:47You install 30km's worth of high-tech equipment
22:49and the light bulbs start going.
22:52Mr Brittis, don't go up there!
22:54Why not?
22:55Because!
22:56Yes?
22:56I want you to stay here, Mr Brittis.
22:59I've missed you so much!
23:01No, not you as well.
23:02Oh, Mr Brittis, don't leave me.
23:04We've got to spend the afternoon together.
23:05Carol, this is going to have to wait.
23:07I've got to show Mr Driscoll and Councillor Druggett,
23:10the nerve centre.
23:10Oh, I've got to go up there.
23:11I've got to go up there.
23:14Overwire!
23:15Overwire!
23:15Got it!
23:17Oh, sugar.
23:17What?
23:18He's made it secure.
23:19What does that mean?
23:20We need a password.
23:21Well, we don't know it.
23:21Only Brittis knows it.
23:22We'll have to go by trial and error.
23:23Any combination of letters or digits.
23:25Max 15 letters.
23:26Right.
23:27Usually something personal, wife's name, pet, birthday.
23:29Come on, think!
23:29Helen!
23:31No!
23:32Whitbury!
23:34No!
23:35Try his car number.
23:37F299 NPA.
23:39Oh!
23:41I think I've seen enough.
23:42You won't save for coffee, misket!
23:44Please, Julie!
23:45No, I only did it to get him out of his office!
23:48But an affair would do Gordon a world of good!
23:50No!
23:51I mean, he's not unattractive, is he?
23:53Yes!
23:55So Brittis was left to oversee the whole project alone?
23:57Hmm?
23:58Yep.
24:05And you let him stall it himself?
24:07Yep.
24:08No technical backup.
24:11No executive support.
24:13I'm afraid we're going to have to investigate your council's handling of this affair.
24:16What?
24:17Well, Mr Brittis is obviously overstretched.
24:19And there was a failure in giving him the necessary human resources.
24:22Drive on.
24:24Carol!
24:27Carol!
24:32Carol!
24:40Colin, could you just...
24:53Simple.
24:54No flowers.
24:55The only music I want is Jerusalem.
24:58And then play Mr Brittis' Christmas foot hygiene speech from 1992, which I've got on the set.
25:05As for my ashes, I'd be grateful if they could be mixed half and half with mulching manure and then
25:11used to plant a memorial bush.
25:14Colin!
25:15Well, what are his favourite things?
25:17Oh, try Tintin.
25:18He's got loads of Tintin books.
25:20Chicken Dan Sash!
25:22Erm, Top Gear!
25:23He likes them!
25:24Yes!
25:24Thunder Club Newman!
25:26Erm...
25:26Oh, no, er...
25:27Geoff Tracy!
25:28Yes!
25:29Jen...
25:30Oh, Bambi!
25:31Yes!
25:33It was the scene where his mother got shot.
25:37He went out to look for it in the snow.
25:40I never got over that scene.
25:43I'm human too, you know.
25:45Mr Brittis.
25:46So.
25:47Sabotage, eh?
25:48Oh.
25:48Mr Brittis, all we were trying to do was...
25:51Don't I know you?
25:52I played in the chess tournament here last year.
25:54That's right.
25:55Three Russian masters stormed out in a sulk.
25:58Mr Brittis, we did it because...
26:01Yes?
26:02Because we were worried about our jobs.
26:04Mr Brittis!
26:05Please!
26:06Stay with me!
26:06We don't spend any time together any more!
26:08It's all right, Carol.
26:09You can stop now.
26:10Please, Julie.
26:11I'll lend you my tiger suit!
26:12No!
26:14Yes, I wondered why everyone had become so affectionate today.
26:20Wait a minute.
26:22It's this, isn't it?
26:25This is what's come between us.
26:27We did rather feel you'd forgotten us, Mr Brittis.
26:31Well, there's only one thing for it.
26:35I'll cancel the contract.
26:36What?
26:37It was on four weeks' trial anyway.
26:39You mean our jobs are safe?
26:40I took my eye off the ball, didn't I, Timothy?
26:43Look at this.
26:44A human being.
26:45Can see.
26:46Can hear.
26:47Feel.
26:49Laugh.
26:49Cry.
26:50Sulk.
26:51Clean the pool.
26:52Do Kermit impressions at children's parties.
26:54Doesn't need downloading at the end of the day.
26:56And doesn't pick up any nasty viruses.
26:58You show me a computer that can match that.
27:01Oh, I must go and tell Colin.
27:03He'll be over the moon.
27:04No, wait!
27:04Mr Brittis, come quickly.
27:06It's Colin.
27:07He's up on the roof.
27:08On the roof.
27:12Colin!
27:13It's for the best, Mr Brittis.
27:15Don't do it, Colin.
27:17I've cleaned and pressed my uniform.
27:19I've given the urinals a final hose down and changed the toilet trucks and the ladies.
27:23Oh, and I've ordered a skip.
27:25So there won't be any mess.
27:26Colin, come back.
27:28I shall miss you, Mr Brittis.
27:30It's all right, Colin.
27:31You're not going to lose your job.
27:33What?
27:34It's all over.
27:35I'm sending the computer back.
27:37Oh, Mr Brittis!
27:40Ah!
27:41Seems like we're back to normal.
27:43I won't speak too soon.
27:46It's so good to be back, Mr Brittis.
27:48Thank you, Colin.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:53APPLAUSE
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