With an undeniably unique world view, Blue explores preconceived notions of disability and how the community feels about being called “inspirational.”
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #joshblue #joshbluecomedy #joshbluestandup
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00:00:12Josh, you're on.
00:00:36Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Blue.
00:00:48All right, thanks, guys.
00:00:50Thanks for coming to my special.
00:00:51This is exciting.
00:00:53I know a lot of you guys know who I am, but I'm also well aware that maybe you're a
00:00:59friend
00:00:59brought you here tonight, and I'm pretty sure right about now you're looking at your friend
00:01:07like, ha, ha, ha, the fuck did you bring me to?
00:01:24That's not how you described it on the way over here.
00:01:27You could go outside for this kind of shit.
00:01:32I recognize a homeless person when I see one.
00:01:37I think I gave that guy change earlier today.
00:01:51I didn't spend it wisely.
00:01:55I know a lot of you guys could picture me outside just chatting up a telephone pole.
00:02:03And another thing, motherfucker!
00:02:16You've been watching me, but I've been watching you.
00:02:21I'm going to punch you right in your knot.
00:02:28I live here in Denver.
00:02:29What an awesome city.
00:02:30And, uh, oh, wow.
00:02:37People are excited about Colorado right now.
00:02:39I know that much.
00:02:41Since we legalized marijuana.
00:02:44Well, I wanted you guys to know that I've been treating it like it was legal for years.
00:02:52It's my medicine.
00:02:56I'm feeling, oh, so much better.
00:03:00I'm so high, I don't even know what disability I have.
00:03:06I'll tell you, though, it is a bitch being blind.
00:03:14Just outside the venue today, I had somebody come up to me and go,
00:03:17Hey, man, are you in town?
00:03:25Not yet.
00:03:29You just keep looking for me, okay?
00:03:33I love the two people that come up to me like,
00:03:36Hey, you're a comedian!
00:03:38Like, bitch, I know.
00:03:44I really do love telling jokes, you know?
00:03:46I feel like the reason I'm able to come up here and tell you about my life
00:03:51is because I realized at a very young age
00:03:54that when one door closes
00:03:59it locks behind you.
00:04:08Just got to go to the next house.
00:04:20Use a window if you have to.
00:04:27Thanks.
00:04:31I love a good late laugh.
00:04:35It means she can relate to the joke on some fucked up level.
00:04:46Love it, man.
00:04:48My life, I'm just, I am really a random shit magnet.
00:04:54So that last time I was leaving the Denver airport,
00:04:58which we built in Nebraska.
00:05:04Like, why did they build it so fucking far away?
00:05:08Oh, you couldn't find an Indian burial ground closer?
00:05:21You guys know in the TSA line
00:05:24there's a bin
00:05:25where they put all the liquids
00:05:27that they steal from you?
00:05:30You know what I'm talking about?
00:05:31There's a big bin with, like, water bottles
00:05:33and shaving cream
00:05:35and people's dreams.
00:05:40Well, on top of all that
00:05:42was also a giant,
00:05:43mostly empty bottle of ketchup.
00:05:51Just, just been on my mind.
00:05:56So much that I had a shirt made for that shit.
00:06:00It was really, seriously.
00:06:07It's just been bugging the shit out of me, man.
00:06:10Like, it was like a 64-ounce bottle of ketchup,
00:06:1358 of which were missing.
00:06:15Like,
00:06:17why was that a travel item?
00:06:22And what?
00:06:22They need to take it away.
00:06:25Just let the guy fucking have it.
00:06:28It's obviously very important.
00:06:32It's made it this far in the journey.
00:06:36I think a better question is
00:06:37why didn't someone take that away sooner?
00:06:42Seems like something the wife would have stepped in.
00:06:44Like,
00:06:46I don't know what you're up to,
00:06:49but no.
00:06:54I bet that guy was pissed
00:06:56when I took it from him.
00:06:58Would have loved to be a fly on the wall
00:07:00wherever he was going.
00:07:01Oh, man,
00:07:02he took my ketchup.
00:07:07Taken my freedom.
00:07:13Well, I stood there and drunk
00:07:14as much as I could.
00:07:20Oh, I'm not going to let him win.
00:07:25Didn't find my mustard, though.
00:07:29I hit it real good.
00:07:35That's just one scenario.
00:07:39Thanks for letting me say that shit out loud, man.
00:07:44You guys ever smoke weed out of an apple before?
00:07:51I like smoking out of an apple
00:07:53because I travel all the time,
00:07:54and, you know,
00:07:56you can find an apple
00:07:58in any airport.
00:08:05The reason I like to smoke out of an apple
00:08:07is because, obviously,
00:08:08I don't roll.
00:08:21I don't roll.
00:08:28I'm just trying to sniff it out of the carpet.
00:08:33And that's not how you do that drug.
00:08:37The reason I bring up the old apple pipe
00:08:39is a couple weeks ago,
00:08:41I was on the road,
00:08:41and I had one with me
00:08:43waiting for my ride
00:08:44and for my hotel.
00:08:45And then down the street
00:08:47comes a pig on a horse.
00:08:55That's a cop, guys.
00:09:03Anyway, this mounted officer.
00:09:08Is that better, team?
00:09:13Anyways, he comes clippity-clopping by,
00:09:16and I'm all high and paranoid,
00:09:18like,
00:09:19oh, shit,
00:09:20what if the horse smells apple?
00:09:33They just keep getting closer.
00:09:35I'm like,
00:09:35this is about to fucking happen.
00:09:38He clippity-clops
00:09:39right on up to me.
00:09:41He'd recognize me.
00:09:41He's like,
00:09:42hey, I saw you on TV.
00:09:44I was like,
00:09:45sweet,
00:09:45can I feed your horse an apple?
00:09:57He let me do it.
00:10:01Have a fun day, officer.
00:10:06Would I love to see that
00:10:07later in the afternoon,
00:10:08and the horse is fancy dancing?
00:10:12Something got into Becky.
00:10:15Never seen her drink so much water.
00:10:19Just another scenario.
00:10:23And then I had this happen to me.
00:10:25I was coming out of the San Diego airport,
00:10:27and I bumped into a large,
00:10:29muscly black cop
00:10:31with a German shepherd,
00:10:32and he recognized me,
00:10:35and I thought I was playing it cool.
00:10:39I don't know how he saw it,
00:10:40but after about two minutes,
00:10:45he looks at me and goes,
00:10:46don't worry, Josh.
00:10:47It's a bomb-sniffing dog.
00:11:01What's your puppy's name?
00:11:02Come here, boy.
00:11:04It's a puppy.
00:11:09Not so scary now,
00:11:11are you, dog?
00:11:16So, look, I know this might be a little off-topic,
00:11:19but have any of you
00:11:25ever bonked heads
00:11:28when you're fucking?
00:11:42Me, me too.
00:11:48If you ain't done it,
00:11:49you ain't doing it right.
00:11:52Other than nothing,
00:11:53I'll bring a dick down fast
00:11:54as a bonk in your head.
00:11:57Boom, I'm out.
00:12:05I like that joke
00:12:06because right away I can tell
00:12:07who has done it
00:12:08and who has not.
00:12:10People that have done it
00:12:11are laughing their ass off.
00:12:14People that have not
00:12:15are like,
00:12:15I don't know.
00:12:19I wish.
00:12:23I could see a few couples out there
00:12:25where one person
00:12:26was trying not to laugh
00:12:28because they know
00:12:29they bonk heads
00:12:30with someone else.
00:12:35You're welcome,
00:12:36date night.
00:12:38You're welcome.
00:12:42I'm married.
00:12:45My wife is Japanese.
00:12:49Yeah, that makes us
00:12:50a pretty diverse couple, huh?
00:12:53Let's just say
00:12:54we check a lot of boxes.
00:13:02English is my wife's
00:13:04second language.
00:13:06That's worked out fine.
00:13:09You don't really need
00:13:10to understand everything
00:13:11the other person says, right?
00:13:14I mean, think about
00:13:15the person you're with.
00:13:16You probably don't even
00:13:18listen to half the shit
00:13:19they say.
00:13:21It's even better
00:13:22when you don't
00:13:23even understand it.
00:13:29Well, golly,
00:13:31I wish I could help.
00:13:34We've come a long way
00:13:36in understanding each other,
00:13:37that's for sure.
00:13:39Because when we first
00:13:40started dating,
00:13:40we couldn't understand
00:13:41most of the shit
00:13:42the other person was saying.
00:13:45It was a simpler time.
00:13:49A little easier back then,
00:13:51you know?
00:13:52I did day-to-day basics
00:13:54like,
00:13:55you hungry?
00:14:01You want to eat?
00:14:16Yep, that's how
00:14:17she'd talk to me.
00:14:30I preferred it.
00:14:34It's just a lot easier,
00:14:35you know?
00:14:38My wife is a nurse,
00:14:40and I have a lot of
00:14:41respect for nurses, man.
00:14:48Well, then it seemed
00:14:49like they'd do all the work
00:14:50and then the doctor
00:14:51comes in like,
00:14:52mm-hmm, that's right.
00:14:55Now I'm off to be late
00:14:57for something else.
00:15:08That'll be $500,000.
00:15:11Oh, and it turns out
00:15:13we don't take your insurance.
00:15:16Anybody else have that insurance
00:15:18that covers everything
00:15:19but your problem
00:15:20that you have?
00:15:22Oh, did it happen
00:15:23on a Wednesday?
00:15:24Oh, sorry,
00:15:26don't cover Wednesdays.
00:15:34It's my life, you know?
00:15:38My wife works in the ICU,
00:15:41and I don't know
00:15:42how she does that, man.
00:15:43I could not do that yet.
00:15:47Well, for any number of reasons.
00:15:55Hi, I'm here
00:15:55to put in your catheter.
00:16:10Just hold still.
00:16:15Actually, why don't you
00:16:17wiggle with me?
00:16:23Maybe we'll cancel each other out.
00:16:27Oh, what's that?
00:16:28You'd like to put it in yourself.
00:16:33And that's how we'll save money
00:16:34on health care.
00:16:38I thought having a nurse
00:16:39in the house
00:16:41would make me feel more safe.
00:16:46I feel more at risk
00:16:51because I've yet to be able
00:16:52to injure myself
00:16:53bad enough
00:16:54for her to give a shit.
00:17:00No matter how deep the cut is,
00:17:03she'd just look at it
00:17:04and be like,
00:17:04oh, you're fine.
00:17:08Okay, honey,
00:17:09I guess I'll just go
00:17:10bleed out here
00:17:11in the corner then.
00:17:14Oh, in the tub?
00:17:15Okay.
00:17:20You fine.
00:17:23I can see bone.
00:17:25I'm not fine.
00:17:28I need stitch.
00:17:31So we, so we.
00:17:32Now we, now we.
00:17:33Come on.
00:17:37We don't get stitches
00:17:39in our house.
00:17:39We get super glued.
00:17:42You ever try that?
00:17:43It's amazing.
00:17:44It works really well.
00:17:45Next time you cut yourself,
00:17:47just take the two pieces of skin,
00:17:49glue it back together.
00:17:50It's like it never even happened, man.
00:17:54Except for some intense burning.
00:18:00Just a side note.
00:18:03First time my wife
00:18:04tried to super glue me,
00:18:05I was like,
00:18:06really?
00:18:06This is what you're doing
00:18:07in the ICU?
00:18:08I call bullshit.
00:18:11When's bring your spouse
00:18:12to work day?
00:18:15Let me check that out.
00:18:18Maybe I'd be pleasantly surprised
00:18:20when you guys are in there
00:18:20gluing pancreases back in.
00:18:25Do it quick, doc.
00:18:26Remember last time
00:18:27it stuck to your hand?
00:18:38It's a bitch getting
00:18:39her pancreas off.
00:18:40Let me tell them.
00:18:42Like I said,
00:18:43my wife is very smart
00:18:44because not only
00:18:45does she work in the ICU,
00:18:47but she's gone back
00:18:48back to school
00:18:49to, um,
00:18:54oh man,
00:18:55I tried to listen.
00:18:57laughter
00:19:00laughter
00:19:04applause
00:19:06applause
00:19:12Oh yeah, man.
00:19:15She seemed excited.
00:19:17laughter
00:19:19Good for her, yeah.
00:19:23So proud.
00:19:25So proud.
00:19:29Like I said,
00:19:30I love coming up here
00:19:31and telling jokes
00:19:32and I think the reason
00:19:34I'm able to do this
00:19:35is because I know
00:19:36that when God
00:19:37takes something away,
00:19:40he's probably going
00:19:42to take something else.
00:19:43laughter
00:19:46through my comedy,
00:19:48I've realized
00:19:49that I've helped
00:19:50to bring disability
00:19:51into the limelight.
00:19:54And, uh,
00:19:55applause
00:20:01What I wanted you to know
00:20:03is, uh,
00:20:05that wasn't my intention.
00:20:08laughter
00:20:09I'm up here for very selfish reasons.
00:20:12laughter
00:20:14People are like,
00:20:15oh, you're so inspirational.
00:20:17I'm like,
00:20:18I'm telling dick jokes.
00:20:20laughter
00:20:24How low is your bar?
00:20:27laughter
00:20:29People are like,
00:20:30oh, you're so inspirational.
00:20:31All that you've accomplished
00:20:33and all that you've overcome.
00:20:35Well, thanks.
00:20:36That's really nice of you.
00:20:37But I've got to tell you,
00:20:39I'm a little uninspired
00:20:40because there's nothing wrong
00:20:41with you
00:20:42and you ain't done shit.
00:20:44laughter
00:20:54People are like,
00:20:54oh, you're so inspirational,
00:20:56you know.
00:20:57My uncle has rickets.
00:21:00laughter
00:21:04Rickets?
00:21:04I don't even know
00:21:05what the fuck that is.
00:21:08Sounds itchy to me.
00:21:13Itchy rickets.
00:21:15laughter
00:21:16That'd be a good band name.
00:21:19laughter
00:21:22Itchy rickets.
00:21:23laughter
00:21:25Also sounds like something
00:21:26old school Batman would say,
00:21:28like,
00:21:28holy itchy rickets, Robin.
00:21:29laughter
00:21:33Blam!
00:21:36Pah!
00:21:39Rickets!
00:21:40laughter
00:21:42Them rickets will fuck you up, Jack.
00:21:45That's a finishing move for sure.
00:21:48laughter
00:21:51That's for a couple people.
00:21:53laughter
00:21:55Rickets.
00:21:56All right.
00:21:56Glad I could help.
00:21:58laughter
00:21:59laughter
00:22:01You know, I've learned of on the way
00:22:03is that a lot of disabled people,
00:22:05we don't like to be called inspirational.
00:22:09laughter
00:22:09We call it the I-word
00:22:11because it's offensive to us.
00:22:13laughter
00:22:14I know you think you're being nice.
00:22:16Like, oh, you're so inspirational.
00:22:19But what we hear is,
00:22:21man, if I was you,
00:22:22I'd have killed myself.
00:22:24laughter
00:22:30I don't know how you do it, man, shit.
00:22:34laughter
00:22:39One thing I've had to learn to deal with being in the limelight is fan mail.
00:22:45I get a lot of really nice messages on social media.
00:22:49That's really cool, you know?
00:22:51People saying nice things about you.
00:22:53Yeah, that's almost too, you know, it's hard to read that, you know?
00:22:57Sometimes I'm just like, I wish there'd be dicks about it.
00:23:00laughter
00:23:01And then people sometimes write mean things and I'm like, oh yeah, that does hurt.
00:23:07laughter
00:23:14But sometimes, you know, people send me these messages that are really nice.
00:23:19But ultimately, it's just some really heavy shit.
00:23:26I get messages from people like, uh, you know, my dad was dying of cancer.
00:23:34And we watched your show.
00:23:37And he laughed.
00:23:40And I am like, delete.
00:23:46laughter
00:23:56I can't be reading that shit.
00:23:59laughter
00:24:04You guys are not ready for delete, I can tell.
00:24:07laughter
00:24:09I have a feeling I'm going to spend the rest of the show just trying to win back the delete
00:24:13people.
00:24:14laughter
00:24:16I've seen so much cruelty toward disability.
00:24:20And that's something I never understood.
00:24:24I guess it's whenever someone's being mean, I think people are just scared of what they don't understand.
00:24:30So they lash out in whatever way that is.
00:24:33But whenever someone's being mean, what I think they don't realize is that the disabled community is the largest minority
00:24:41group on the planet.
00:24:43Yeah, because, well, because they pile us all together.
00:24:52laughter
00:24:53If you're blind, get in the pile.
00:24:56laughter
00:24:56If you're deaf, help the blind guy find the pile.
00:25:00laughter
00:25:06If you've got one leg, hop on.
00:25:09I'll stop, I'll stop.
00:25:12laughter
00:25:16But whatever someone's being mean, what I think they don't realize is not only are we the largest minority group
00:25:23on the planet,
00:25:24but we're also the only minority group that you can join at any time.
00:25:32laughter
00:25:42You're just one bad bike ride away.
00:25:45laughter
00:25:48Red Rover, Red Rover.
00:25:51laughter
00:25:52Don't make me help you, dumbass. Come over.
00:25:56laughter
00:25:57laughter
00:26:03So I did a show a couple weeks ago, and in the audience there was a blind and deaf man,
00:26:10like, just, like, and he had two interpreters that, uh, signed into his hand, like, into the palm of his
00:26:19hand.
00:26:20Like, that, first of all, like, how is that even a fucking thing?
00:26:25laughter
00:26:27Like, how is that, how do you tell him what a table is, let alone all the gobbledygook that I'm
00:26:32saying up here?
00:26:33And he's laughing at all the right parts and shit, I'm like, what the fuck is this?
00:26:42So, I thought I'd mess with him a little bit, I'm like, alright, dude, I don't even think you're disabled,
00:26:47you know, I think you just like having two ladies.
00:26:49He's touching on your hand like that.
00:26:51laughter
00:26:52You know, the crowd laughed, and then they were, they, uh, typed it into his hand.
00:26:59laughter
00:26:59And he goes like this.
00:27:01Mh!
00:27:02laughter
00:27:08Which, apparently, in blind deaf means, fuck you!
00:27:12laughter
00:27:25About pissed myself, man.
00:27:28That is, that is amazing, right?
00:27:31That guy is just so inspirational.
00:27:40If I was him, I'd have killed myself, I know that one.
00:27:43laughter
00:27:50Delete!
00:27:51laughter
00:27:55applause
00:28:02A lot of people don't know this about me, but for many years, I was a member of the U
00:28:07.S. Paralympic soccer team.
00:28:10applause
00:28:17Where were you guys at the game?
00:28:21laughter
00:28:22Could use those 38 claps.
00:28:28And a lot of you maybe don't know what the Paralympics are.
00:28:31And it's the Olympics for people with physical disabilities.
00:28:37It's, uh, the second largest sporting event on the planet.
00:28:41We're, uh, second only to the, uh, able-bodied Olympics.
00:28:47laughter
00:28:48Oh, yeah.
00:28:53Oh, yeah.
00:28:53I must be tough running with two legs, huh?
00:28:57laughter
00:29:00Ain't nothing but punk bitches to us.
00:29:04laughter
00:29:12I did love being on the team. I'm, uh, unfortunately no longer a member. I, uh, got cut for doping.
00:29:19laughter
00:29:19I did love being on the team. I'm, uh, unfortunately no longer a member. I, uh, got cut for doping.
00:29:21It wasn't performance enhancing.
00:29:24laughter
00:29:26I thought I should have got a medal for being able to play in that condition.
00:29:31laughter
00:29:33Anti-doping agency didn't see it that way.
00:29:36laughter
00:29:37I do miss being on that team, man. It was great.
00:29:40Got to hang out with other physically disabled dudes.
00:29:43We've all been through some of the same bullshit, you know?
00:29:46Just got really comfortable with each other.
00:29:50We got so comfortable that we came up with this game
00:29:53where we would see who could hold open their fucked up hand longer.
00:30:01laughter
00:30:03applause
00:30:10Ready? Go. Okay.
00:30:12laughter
00:30:26Good game. Good game.
00:30:31Got you next time, dog.
00:30:33laughter
00:30:34Don't let me put my brace on.
00:30:37laughter
00:30:42One thing I really miss about that team is traveling with everybody.
00:30:47Because to me there's nothing more entertaining
00:30:51than watching twelve dudes with cerebral palsy
00:30:53get off an airplane in a row.
00:30:57laughter
00:31:01Everybody in the terminal thinks there's some type of zombie invasion going on.
00:31:05laughter
00:31:21He's a goalie.
00:31:23laughter
00:31:27I could do all twelve if you need me to.
00:31:30laughter
00:31:32None of us really walk like that. We just like fucking around.
00:31:35laughter
00:31:38One thing I don't miss about the team is our coach used to make us always dress as a team.
00:31:45You know, that's cool, represent your country.
00:31:49But we're trying not to stick out as it is.
00:31:53laughter
00:31:55A bunch of crippled dudes now are all wearing the same track suit.
00:31:59laughter
00:32:00All I'm saying, coach, is just give us a chance.
00:32:04laughter
00:32:05Just a chance.
00:32:09People walking by us like, oh, that's nice. They took them to the mall.
00:32:25Some of them got stuff.
00:32:28laughter
00:32:29I got to go to the 04 Paralympics in Athens, Greece.
00:32:34And, oh, oh, we definitely do not deserve that clapping.
00:32:40laughter
00:32:41We got our asses kicked.
00:32:43laughter
00:32:44We do not belong in the Paralympic Games.
00:32:47Because the other teams were way, way better.
00:32:52Like the Russian team, holy shit, they're so good.
00:32:55They beat us 11 to 1.
00:32:57laughter
00:32:58And the one was them shooting on their own goal.
00:33:02laughter
00:33:03Just to show off, just taking shots on their own goal.
00:33:07laughter
00:33:08The goalie saved a few too.
00:33:10They finally got one in on him.
00:33:12laughter
00:33:15They were so good, man.
00:33:16I just watched like a spectator after a while.
00:33:19I was like, oh shit, did you see that?
00:33:21laughter
00:33:22And the ball went right by me.
00:33:25laughter
00:33:25It's going fast.
00:33:29I found out real quick, coach don't like when you high-five the other team.
00:33:34laughter
00:33:36Seriously, that Russian team was phenomenal.
00:33:40After a little while, I was like, okay, there's nothing even wrong with that guy right there.
00:33:53I call bullshit number five.
00:33:55laughter
00:34:04Better get a neurologist out here.
00:34:07laughter
00:34:10Let her run by, be like, oh shit, his hand's on backward.
00:34:13laughter
00:34:18Fucking backward hand, I hate that guy.
00:34:22laughter
00:34:24He's so good.
00:34:27So I've been over to Japan three times to visit my wife's family.
00:34:34Have any of you ever been to visit my wife's family?
00:34:40laughter
00:34:43Do you think it's too late for me to tell my wife I don't know what her dad's name is?
00:34:48laughter
00:34:48laughter
00:34:51Whoopsy daisies, huh?
00:34:54laughter
00:34:56It's not like I don't want to know, I just haven't been able to fucking figure it out.
00:35:00laughter
00:35:02I've tried, I've tried lots of things.
00:35:04I went so far to steal his mail.
00:35:07laughter
00:35:08That didn't fucking help at all.
00:35:11laughter
00:35:12I did narrow it down though.
00:35:15I'm pretty sure his name is written, line, stick, box.
00:35:25laughter
00:35:29Line stick box.
00:35:31laughter
00:35:34Anybody know how to pronounce that?
00:35:36laughter
00:35:38You be doing me a solid?
00:35:41laughter
00:35:41laughter
00:35:45Line stick box.
00:35:47laughter
00:35:47I'll probably find out that means like, current resident.
00:36:03Oh, good morning current resident.
00:36:05Hey!
00:36:07laughter
00:36:10Japan's not a very touchy-feely country either.
00:36:13You don't shake hands, you bow.
00:36:18You know I fucked that up, right?
00:36:22First time I met someone, I tried to bow, and we bunked heads.
00:36:36Not in a good way.
00:36:40I'm a hugger by nature, you know, and I have learned that they do not like hugs in Japan.
00:36:46People will bow backward not to hug me.
00:36:59You know, my wife makes no attempt to translate anything at all.
00:37:05So that means the whole three weeks I'm over there, I'm just living off of social cues.
00:37:13Well, everyone's putting their coat on, I guess we're going somewhere.
00:37:23I hope it's some type of meal, I'm fucking starving.
00:37:29Oh, and then that's the next problem I have, is meal times.
00:37:34Because, you know, in Japan, you eat the majority of your meals sitting on the floor at a low table.
00:37:44Which I think is a very beautiful cultural experience.
00:37:49For most.
00:37:52But the thing you need to know is that people with cerebral palsy,
00:37:57we don't fold up well.
00:38:06It's like trying to do origami with plywood.
00:38:12The problem is the table is too low for me to stick my stiff-ass legs underneath.
00:38:19So I end up having to go lengthwise with the table, you know, just taking up five seats.
00:38:29Just lounging in the restaurant.
00:38:33Her whole family's on the other side of the table.
00:38:38I'm just kicking it over here.
00:38:42Like I own a motherfucker.
00:38:55This is Josh's sushi spot.
00:39:00Oh, and then the next big problem is chopsticks.
00:39:06Yeah, laugh it up, fuckers.
00:39:08Laugh it up.
00:39:12I don't do chopsticks.
00:39:15So now, not only am I the only person lounging around,
00:39:21I'm also the only person having to eat like this.
00:39:23It's like, oh, okay, yeah.
00:39:30This is good soup.
00:39:42That broth is hot.
00:39:50By the way, thanks for taking us out to dinner, Lion Stick Box.
00:40:06Taking real good care of your daughter.
00:40:12Sometimes I feel bad for an old current resident, you know.
00:40:18I do love Japan, though.
00:40:20That's fun.
00:40:22One thing I love is their vending machines.
00:40:24Holy shit, you can buy anything in a vending machine in Japan, man.
00:40:29Like beer?
00:40:30Oh, that's child's play.
00:40:34I'm talking car parts.
00:40:40I saw a vending machine that had live fish in it.
00:40:44I thought it was some type of mobile pet store.
00:40:48Nope, snack machine.
00:40:56Just a couple of minnows, pick you up or whatever.
00:41:03I saw a vending machine that had sex toys in it.
00:41:07I thought that was a little crazy.
00:41:09Just right on the street by a big floppy dildo.
00:41:16B7.
00:41:22Future reference.
00:41:27There's all kinds of kinky shit in there, like butt plugs and cock rings and what turned
00:41:33out to be a pre-worn pair of women's underwear.
00:41:38I'm just standing on the street looking at all this kinky shit thinking,
00:41:42and I can't get a fucking hug.
00:41:58No, but I could get some pre-worn panties.
00:42:03They were pre-worn and then packaged back up.
00:42:06I was like, what is that factory like?
00:42:13Okay, Suki, a hundred more pairs and you can go home break.
00:42:22Now get back in your macromade sweatpants and start jogging.
00:42:29I don't know how they do it.
00:42:33It's just speculation.
00:42:39Okay, delete.
00:42:40All right, I got you.
00:42:41I got you covered.
00:42:43I got you covered, guys.
00:42:48I have had some of you sick bastards ask me which hand I'd jack off with.
00:42:56Righty likes it a little rough.
00:43:03The ultimate stranger.
00:43:14The stranger, I never got there.
00:43:16Isn't that where you're supposed to, like, sit on your hand until it goes numb?
00:43:22And then when you jack off, it's like someone else is doing it?
00:43:28Now, I think that's all well and good.
00:43:32If you want to be jacked off by a dude,
00:43:38Oh, thank you, trucker.
00:43:40Have a good day.
00:43:43That was nice of him.
00:43:49You guys really are awesome, probably.
00:43:51This definitely, man, this has got to be the best make-a-wish ever, man.
00:44:06He just keeps going and going, you know?
00:44:11Thanks for playing along.
00:44:13It was nice.
00:44:14Nice of you to donate your time.
00:44:17So you can all write this off.
00:44:23There's some Republican out there like, hey, I didn't know I could do that.
00:44:29Might have to come to more of these crippled functions.
00:44:34Splendid showing, really.
00:44:37He's a real thoroughbred of the crippled community.
00:44:43I don't even know what that means, but fun to say.
00:44:51It's my whole life.
00:44:52I'm pretty sure they broke the mold before they made me.
00:45:04Don't, oh, don't, oh, come on, man.
00:45:09Oh.
00:45:15Okay, I'll do it again.
00:45:17Delete.
00:45:18Fine.
00:45:18I got it.
00:45:19I got it.
00:45:20We're back to square one, all right?
00:45:25I do love telling jokes, but there is something I love even more than doing this, and that's
00:45:31being a dad.
00:45:32Amazing.
00:45:40Hey, thanks, some of you.
00:45:45I do love being a dad.
00:45:47It's great.
00:45:47Although, uh, I do think it's a little weird that you can accidentally make a person.
00:46:00I can't even make a fucking birdhouse.
00:46:07And I made two beautiful people.
00:46:21I mean, and then I have a pile of cut-up boards, so.
00:46:28Seriously, it does seem like, uh, there should be a little more to it.
00:46:32Like, you couldn't even make a cake that fast, you know?
00:46:37Oh, shit, the baby's in there.
00:46:40Oh, this is serious.
00:46:46We got nine months to freak the fuck out.
00:46:50Just watching the poor woman that you love grow some type of parasite in her belly.
00:46:55You see it writhing around, and they're like, ooh, shit, honey, you better get that out soon.
00:47:01I remember when I hit worms, that fucked me up for a minute.
00:47:05My son ended up having to be a C-section.
00:47:09And, you know, they told me not to look over the curtain.
00:47:14I should have listened.
00:47:18Just sitting there by her side, we're talking.
00:47:21I'll just stand up, have a peek over.
00:47:23First thing I saw were her intestines, followed by something that I could not identify.
00:47:31And then I decided to come on back over to the side.
00:47:37Just sat back down like, oh, honey, I don't think you should be this calm.
00:47:48Some serious shit going on right over there.
00:47:51Right.
00:47:53Like, your guts are out.
00:47:57And I could touch them with a stick from here.
00:48:04Just on the other side of this magic curtain here.
00:48:08I don't know how that's working, but wow.
00:48:12And then they finally pulled my son out and squeegeed him off.
00:48:18Hand him over to me first thing.
00:48:20I'm like, are you sure this is the right move?
00:48:25Oh, yeah, just give him to the shakiest guy in the hospital.
00:48:28That's cool.
00:48:30I love being a dad.
00:48:31They grow up so fast.
00:48:32People say that, but man, it's true.
00:48:35And kids are expensive, man.
00:48:40Oh, man.
00:48:4470 cents a day, my ass.
00:48:54Man.
00:49:02My son is seven now, and he's like some type of spider monkey.
00:49:08I don't know.
00:49:09He's like climbed anything, you know.
00:49:11His mom's Japanese.
00:49:13And, well, I don't really think that has anything to do with it.
00:49:17I just picked a weird time to remind you of that.
00:49:24Maybe it does have to do with his little Asian hands, though.
00:49:27I mean, I've seen him shimmy up a crack in the kitchen wall.
00:49:30I go, oh, better get that fixed.
00:49:36He's not afraid to jump on me from any height.
00:49:39Oh, daddy's crazy.
00:49:41Your arm will catch me.
00:49:41Whee!
00:49:42Oh, 35 feet's too high.
00:49:54In addition to my seven-year-old, I also have a five-year-old girl that lives in my house.
00:50:02You familiar with these psychopaths?
00:50:07Yeah.
00:50:10She's in charge of every goddamn thing on the planet.
00:50:16Like, you guys maybe don't know this, but you work for her.
00:50:21If she was here right now, you'd be broken down into teams.
00:50:27Daddy's special be damned.
00:50:30You're building a fort.
00:50:33Some of you would be gathering materials.
00:50:36And the weaker of you would be trying to tie shit to stuff.
00:50:43She's always got these random-ass tasks for me, like, oh, daddy, can you please tie this to my pony's
00:50:51tail?
00:50:52Probably not.
00:50:59You get daddy's hot glue gun, I'll hook you up.
00:51:09She's seriously the cutest thing that you'll ever be afraid of.
00:51:14She comes in the room, I'm like, oh, shit, she's coming over here.
00:51:21Save yourself, son.
00:51:22Climb something.
00:51:29She really is so fucking cute, bud.
00:51:32And kids need to be cute, too, man.
00:51:34If they weren't cute, you would crush the shit out of them, man.
00:51:40At least be like, I got you.
00:51:42Whoops.
00:51:50But my daughter, seriously, is the stubbornest person I've ever met.
00:51:55Like, she's the most stubborn human possibly on the planet.
00:51:59I've met a lot of people, and not yet have I met anyone else.
00:52:02And it comes close to this little girl.
00:52:04She, like, in her lifetime, I probably tried to put her on timeout, like, 500 times.
00:52:13That's a lot of times.
00:52:15And not once did it take.
00:52:19Like, my son was the exact opposite.
00:52:21Like, he'd get in trouble.
00:52:23I'm like, okay, man, you're on timeout.
00:52:26He'd walk himself over to the timeout spot, sit himself down, and then, like, three hours
00:52:36later, I'd be like, oh, hey, buddy.
00:52:39Oh, hey.
00:52:40Oh.
00:52:43Hey.
00:52:46Come on, man.
00:52:47Oh, look.
00:52:47I don't even remember why you're here.
00:52:53You've obviously had some time to think about it.
00:52:58Why don't you go find something you like to do?
00:53:01Go on.
00:53:04My daughter, on the other hand, I gave up even trying to get her onto a timeout area.
00:53:09Like, I just have to tell other people that she's on timeout.
00:53:13She's on timeout.
00:53:15Don't look at her.
00:53:17We're trying to talk to her in any way.
00:53:19Like, in fact, everyone, you come with me, and we'll huddle over here in the corner
00:53:27until she's done doing whatever the fuck she wants to do.
00:53:41I'm not saying I'm a good dad, but I like it, you know?
00:53:48My daughter's so funny, too.
00:53:51She's got the timing down.
00:53:53Like, my son wants to be funny.
00:53:56He's not funny.
00:54:01Okay, well, it's not that he's not funny.
00:54:03It's just that he's not funny to me.
00:54:09Like, I'm not trying to be a comedy snob or whatever.
00:54:12I just don't like his brand or whatever.
00:54:20Other people like his shit.
00:54:21I'm just not my cup of tea.
00:54:31Well, he's more like a, more of a dick.
00:54:38You know, you got that buddy that'll say any old dumb shit to you?
00:54:43That's my son.
00:54:46He'll be doing some fine motor skill thing and be like,
00:54:50Daddy, you want to do this?
00:54:51Just kidding.
00:55:03See how that's funny to other people?
00:55:08My daughter, you know, she's a little tyrant,
00:55:11but she can be nice when she chooses to be.
00:55:17She gave me a compliment the other day,
00:55:19and I didn't really take it right at first, I guess.
00:55:23We were doing some daddy-daughter errands.
00:55:26We were coming out of the bank,
00:55:28and, you know, I had what I thought was a fashionable bag
00:55:33to carry water bottles and paperwork and shit.
00:55:37And she looks at me, she goes,
00:55:38I like your purse, Daddy.
00:55:44And then I thought about it for a minute,
00:55:46and, you know, at first it hurt, you know,
00:55:50but then I was like,
00:55:52well, unlike her dick brother,
00:55:56she really means it.
00:56:10She did like my purse.
00:56:16I went on a road trip the other day with my kids.
00:56:18We went to Sydney, Nebraska.
00:56:21I figured I'd just take the kids along.
00:56:23It's a three-hour drive from here, right?
00:56:27Well, I ended up in the back middle seat
00:56:30between the two car seats
00:56:31because we had another comic, and my friend drove.
00:56:36And actually, the kids were really good.
00:56:39It was me that fucked it up.
00:56:43Going along, I tried to take a drink
00:56:45out of, like, a two-liter bottle of soda that we had.
00:56:49We didn't have any cups.
00:56:50And we hit a bump.
00:56:53And I palsy, like, squeezed the bottle.
00:56:56And it, like, shot into the back of my throat.
00:57:01And then I just sprayed it out.
00:57:05Like, everybody got some.
00:57:09Like...
00:57:17And I made it to the windshield.
00:57:20We were, like, trying to wipe it off.
00:57:22It's all...
00:57:23I spent the next hour trying to clean up that sticky mess.
00:57:28And I woke up enough courage to try to take another drink.
00:57:33And as I'm going to take the top off,
00:57:36my little five-year-old goes,
00:57:38everybody put your raincoats on!
00:57:53I got a dick daughter, too.
00:57:58I'm really excited about this.
00:58:00I've worked it out.
00:58:00So tonight, a large portion of the proceeds
00:58:03from my CDs and DVDs and T-shirts
00:58:07goes to a disabled person.
00:58:24Oh, it's too much, guys.
00:58:28I know.
00:58:29It feels good.
00:58:32He's a special little guy.
00:58:36I think he's got rickets.
00:58:40You guys are awesome.
00:58:42Thank you very much.
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