Picking up where his last special left off, the ranting stand-up comic brings his inimitable insights to the post-pandemic state of the world.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #lewisblack #lewisblackcomedy #lewisblackstandup
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00:01:47That's the sound of an audience that hasn't been out for a while.
00:01:57I'm really, really thrilled at the level of excitement you're bringing this evening.
00:02:07Tone it down.
00:02:11You know, I really wish I was even half as excited as you are.
00:02:22But I think that music, you know, I mean, it's great, but it's over the top.
00:02:35It creates an expectation in this room that, you know, you hear this and you hear this and
00:02:42you get fucking pumped and you think, what's going to come out?
00:02:47You know, you know, and you know, you know, and you're doing, you know, and then just one of the
00:02:55next thing, you know, and then just one aging Jew wanders on the stage.
00:03:14And let me just say, I know that for those of you who came here tonight and don't know
00:03:20me, you were probably just a bit shocked.
00:03:26You thought, I came all the way for this?
00:03:34And if you don't know me, I'm just going to tell you up front, this could be a long night.
00:03:47It really could.
00:03:49And if you get upset tonight, it's on you.
00:04:00It's not on me, okay?
00:04:04All right?
00:04:05You had ample opportunity, okay, including the pandemic, which gave you a fucking ton of
00:04:11time, to do a little research and kind of see who you were coming, oh, I'm going to
00:04:20go see this person.
00:04:22But you fucking didn't.
00:04:24You didn't do your homework.
00:04:26If you had children and you went to a movie, you'd read the review, wouldn't you?
00:04:30And you'd sit there and go, you know, so that when you ended up at the movie with your kids,
00:04:35you didn't find yourself in the middle of it going, fuck, they killed everybody.
00:04:45So what's going to happen is I'm going to say some things and you're not really going
00:04:55to hear them.
00:04:55What you're going to hear is that you're going to feel as if I have challenged your basic
00:05:03belief system, you're going to feel that somehow I have fucking insulted you on a level you
00:05:10never imagined.
00:05:18And what I said, all I said was a joke.
00:05:23That was it.
00:05:25Just a joke.
00:05:27But what you're going to hear is, your mother sucks cocks in hell.
00:05:38And that isn't what I said.
00:05:44Okay?
00:05:45It's not even close.
00:05:47And you have to understand, okay, that I have been doing this for a long time.
00:05:54And never has, have I said anything on the stage that has changed fucking anything.
00:06:08Thousands and thousands of people have come and watched me.
00:06:11And the next day woke up and went, it's still the same.
00:06:17And you should know that since I started doing it, things have gotten worse.
00:06:25So realize that there, and I know this will shock some of you, there are people who actually
00:06:32came out tonight to see me, okay?
00:06:35And they, they overpaid.
00:06:40And so, I really need you to make this evening, don't, don't fuck up there evening.
00:06:49Okay?
00:06:49Don't, just sit there.
00:06:52All right?
00:06:52If, if, if I say a joke and you don't think it's funny, you, you get to nail me.
00:07:00And the way you get to nail me is you don't laugh.
00:07:05That's it.
00:07:07All right?
00:07:09And you let your nipples turn bright red.
00:07:16And you shut the fuck up.
00:07:27Because if you mess up this evening, okay, I'm going to tell my mother.
00:07:33And when she finds out, your life is going to be fucking hell.
00:07:38Okay?
00:07:39And I mean this.
00:07:40You don't fuck with my mother.
00:07:42All right?
00:07:43She's 103.
00:07:45So she.
00:07:51My mother's 103.
00:07:53Sometimes I feel like she's a tortoise that's escaped her shell.
00:08:01I mean, it's kind of remarkable, 103.
00:08:05I am blessed, really, to have spent all of that time with her.
00:08:09But, she's 103.
00:08:15And to give you an idea of just how tough, I mean, she practiced on me.
00:08:21Okay?
00:08:22And this is how, this is the last, one of the last things she said when I saw her recently.
00:08:27Just to give you a taste of what's coming for you.
00:08:32She said to me, she said to me, actually to the caregiver there, shoot, he just put me to sleep.
00:08:42I can't imagine what he does to an audience.
00:08:51She's good.
00:08:56103.
00:08:57And so, she's, sometimes she's here.
00:09:00And sometimes, ooh, she's there.
00:09:05But I'm lucky, and so is she, that she does not have Alzheimer's.
00:09:11No dementia.
00:09:12What she has is a, um, she has something that doctors haven't given a name to yet.
00:09:21She just makes shit up.
00:09:29When the fuck were you in Thailand?
00:09:42She's claimed that she raised an entire family, another family.
00:09:49And the son, who is as old as I am, apparently is nicer to her than I've ever been.
00:10:01She is, uh, she's in competition now with, uh, Bezos and, um, and Musk and Branson.
00:10:12Those are the three who were, uh, you know, you know them.
00:10:16They're launching their penises into space.
00:10:19They are whacking off into the universe.
00:10:22They're spending billions, billions to get out there.
00:10:27My mother has been orbiting the Earth on a regular basis for 12 years.
00:10:33And I wouldn't even call where she lived assistant living.
00:10:37I call it a, uh, I call it a launch pad.
00:10:41And she doesn't spend billions because her rocket fuel is oatmeal.
00:10:49Um, it was a long time.
00:10:52It was about three, it was more than a year, just a chunk more than a year that it took
00:10:58for me.
00:10:58I didn't get to see my mother for that long.
00:11:01Um, they, you know, she was in this, uh, place she's living.
00:11:05It was in a lockdown.
00:11:06I could not get to visit her.
00:11:09It was 500 days from, uh, the, the, my last performance till the time I performed again.
00:11:17500 days.
00:11:18And the last time I performed in front of an audience before the, the whole thing shut down was on,
00:11:27uh, March 13th.
00:11:28And I was in, uh, New Buffalo, Michigan at a casino there.
00:11:33And, uh, I knew that things were coming to an end.
00:11:37I knew that we were moving into a shutdown.
00:11:40Okay?
00:11:41Because myself and, uh, a friend of mine who many of you know, it was another, who's really a great
00:11:47comic, Kathleen Madigan.
00:11:49She, she, she, you know, she and I, she and I, from the moment that that, that, that virus hit,
00:11:57from the moment we heard about it, we tracked that son of a bitch every day, every fucking day.
00:12:03We were like the Fauci and Birks of the comedy community.
00:12:07We were on the phone.
00:12:08Did you hear that?
00:12:09Did you hear what's happening?
00:12:10They're fucking, they fucked up.
00:12:11Somebody left the door open to the lamp.
00:12:13Somebody got on the goddamn boat.
00:12:14It's coming our way.
00:12:16Close the harbors.
00:12:17Those fuckers have to close the harbors.
00:12:22Nobody listened.
00:12:26But we knew it was out there.
00:12:28We knew it was coming.
00:12:30And luckily, I was at least in a position, I kind of knew this was going to be my last
00:12:36show, because the show on March 14th that I was going to have had been canceled.
00:12:41She, however, was on her way to the airport to get on a plane to Reno.
00:12:46I said, turn back.
00:12:47You don't want to get on that fucking plane.
00:12:49You don't want to end up in Reno.
00:12:51Son of a bitch.
00:12:52They're going to hold you there for God knows how long, because they're going to need at least one person
00:12:57to gamble.
00:13:03They talked about closing my show on the 13th.
00:13:07They said we may not go through with it.
00:13:09But they were kind of stuck, because 1,500 fuckers had shown up.
00:13:15And we knew this.
00:13:17I knew it because they were in the casino, standing shoulder to shoulder.
00:13:21That did not bode well.
00:13:24There they were.
00:13:25And I was there.
00:13:27I was at a very safe distance.
00:13:29I was, well, fuck, I was watching them through binoculars.
00:13:34That night, I went on stage.
00:13:37It was a sold-out house.
00:13:39I really didn't know what to say.
00:13:41I'd never been in this position before.
00:13:44Nobody knew what was coming next.
00:13:45And I stared out at them.
00:13:48And the first thing that came into my mind was, well, thanks for risking your life.
00:13:56I got a bigger laugh that night.
00:14:02So I finished up.
00:14:05I walked off the stage.
00:14:06One of the strangest performances.
00:14:08Great in many ways.
00:14:09Odd in others.
00:14:10It was, and I went into my dressing room, and I flashed on that thing they say about comics
00:14:17that I'd never thought about in this way before.
00:14:21You know?
00:14:22Boy, he really killed them tonight.
00:14:35On March 14th, it was time I could go home.
00:14:38I was supposed to fly through O'Hare.
00:14:41I was not going to go through O'Hare.
00:14:43Because I knew, and Kathleen knew, that the first time that COVID went from one person
00:14:50to another in this country was at O'Hare.
00:14:54That's the kind of shit I knew.
00:14:56So I'm not going to that fucking airport.
00:14:58I don't have a hazmat suit.
00:15:00And O'Hare on a good day is a shithole.
00:15:05And so, I am very lucky.
00:15:09I have a tour bus.
00:15:11And I got onto that, and I was going to return back to New York City.
00:15:15And on the way, I was going to stop for provisions.
00:15:19There's a word you don't hear anymore.
00:15:21Well, that's a word you actually hear if you're on a wagon train going west.
00:15:29But I say provisions because I knew I was going to have to pick up a lot of shit.
00:15:33And so, we stopped, I stopped for the first time ever, and went into, and this will stun you, a
00:15:44Walmart.
00:15:47Yeah.
00:15:50I know.
00:15:52I'd never been in one, but why would a single person who'd never been duck hunting go to a Walmart?
00:16:01I mean, unless I needed a hundred-pound tub of butter for fun.
00:16:07Or, you know, but I was going to need 300 fucking rolls of toilet paper, so I'm going to Walmart.
00:16:15And I'd never been in one.
00:16:17I walked in, it was like the Vatican.
00:16:20The Vatican of fatty fuck foods.
00:16:24They didn't even put the foods together in terms of the same product of food, the same fruits.
00:16:30No, it was the level of fat.
00:16:32Fat, fattier, most fatty, the most fatty, fatty, fat, fucking fattiest, fatayest.
00:16:39Holy shit.
00:16:40There was actually one of those warning lights.
00:16:42The red light was spinning in one place.
00:16:45Sirens going off.
00:16:46That was the aisle that said, you might have a heart attack here.
00:16:49It's the first place I've ever been into that the soup actually had whipped cream on it.
00:16:56If you walk around a Walmart, literally, for three minutes, you will gain seven pounds.
00:17:09So I headed home.
00:17:13And we got into New York, and on March 15th, March 15th, you have to speak into the microphone, asshole.
00:17:24I can't speak into the microphone.
00:17:25I can't speak into the microphone.
00:17:30That was really a private moment.
00:17:35I love you, Louis.
00:17:36And I love you.
00:17:47On March 15th, I was very excited.
00:17:52It was either on March 15th or maybe a day or two after.
00:17:56I can't quite place it.
00:17:57But it was the day in which, for the first time, our government was going to come on and on
00:18:07the TV and tell us, the people, how we were going to deal with the coming pandemic.
00:18:16Not only as a group, but individually.
00:18:18I was so excited, I called Kathleen and I said, fuck, we're not in charge anymore.
00:18:25Now we've got real experts who will be telling us exactly what to do.
00:18:33And I was thrilled.
00:18:35I sat down there, and the first people we saw for the first time ever were Dr. Fauci and Dr.
00:18:43Birx.
00:18:43There they were.
00:18:44There they were.
00:18:46And I know that some of you, for sure, have problems with Dr. Fauci.
00:18:52And I, yes, one person screaming in the night.
00:18:57The problem sounded like a sexual one there.
00:19:06But Dr. Fauci, look, if you had a problem with Dr. Fauci, I'm just going to tell you this.
00:19:12All right?
00:19:13Would you want his job?
00:19:15Would you want to do what he did?
00:19:18Would you want to be that person who had to come out every day?
00:19:21What, are you yelling at him?
00:19:23Because of what?
00:19:24Because he has the shittiest job on earth, and you wouldn't do the job.
00:19:28Okay?
00:19:29Nobody wanted that fucking job.
00:19:31We're lucky anybody took the job.
00:19:36To come out there and say, it sucks.
00:19:39The next day, it really sucks.
00:19:40It's going to suck more.
00:19:42Here's the sound.
00:19:43That's how sucky it is.
00:19:46Everywhere you go, suck, suck, suck.
00:19:48It's going to be shittier and shittier.
00:19:50Fucking unbelievable.
00:19:53Worst job ever.
00:19:55Son of a bitch.
00:19:57The only job that I think could be worse is if you were douching elephants for a living.
00:20:06Unbelievable.
00:20:08And people were pissed at Fauci.
00:20:09Oh, he got money from Pfizer.
00:20:11Fuck you.
00:20:12That was a lie.
00:20:13Oh, but he was rich.
00:20:14Oh, you idiots.
00:20:15Of course he was rich.
00:20:16He's a doctor, numbnuts.
00:20:26I believe that who they should have hired to do the job, I think what would have made it
00:20:31possible for everybody in the country to not be upset, was they should have just had a fucking
00:20:38peacock.
00:20:40I mean it.
00:20:41The peacock should have come out with the announcement every day and the peacock could
00:20:44have strode, you know, whatever noise a peacock made.
00:20:49And underneath there'd be a fucking translation of the peacock.
00:20:55And then everybody would watch.
00:20:57They'd turn the TV on.
00:20:58I can't wait to see what the peacock has to say.
00:21:04And Fauci and Birch stood there and they began to speak and none of us knew what the
00:21:08fuck they were talking about.
00:21:10We'd never heard or seen anything like this in our lives, ever.
00:21:15And God damn it.
00:21:17And about a third of the way through, it was becoming clearer and clearer what they were
00:21:21saying.
00:21:22And it was really quite simple.
00:21:24And what they were saying was, we're fucked.
00:21:28We're totally fucked.
00:21:32At this point, our leader pushed them aside and with nary a stethoscope in sight, he strode
00:21:45to the mic.
00:21:47Because he wanted to be sure we remain calm and he knew that these two weren't going to help.
00:21:57So he decided he was going to tell us how we were going to deal with what was going to
00:22:03be happening.
00:22:04And he could do that because he is the first president ever elected, ever, thank you, the first
00:22:16president ever elected who just knows stuff.
00:22:31And none of them knew shit.
00:22:38But this president really was fucking on top of the game.
00:22:41And this president knew fucking every fucking thing you could know.
00:22:45Not these idiots.
00:22:47God damn it.
00:22:48All of a sudden, finally.
00:22:52And he knew how much wood a woodchuck would.
00:22:57If a woodchuck could chuck wood.
00:22:59He knew how many cords.
00:23:01He knew how many cords of wood.
00:23:05He memorized all of the recipes in the Betty Crocker cookbook.
00:23:13Yes, he did.
00:23:15Yes, he fucking did.
00:23:16Why?
00:23:16Because he could do it.
00:23:19And at this point, he explained just how the virus would come to us and what would happen.
00:23:30And he said it would be like the flu.
00:23:32It would just come and then it would go.
00:23:40It is what he said.
00:23:45And he got the timeline off.
00:23:49But everybody got the timeline off.
00:23:51Everyone did.
00:23:53They're still not sure about the timeline.
00:23:55He got it off.
00:23:57He was wrong.
00:24:00And the reason everybody has been wrong is because everybody's got a fucking theory about how this virus came to
00:24:08be.
00:24:08All right?
00:24:09And I'm the only one who actually knows what happened.
00:24:14And, yeah, that's right.
00:24:16And lucky, lucky you are here with me this evening.
00:24:23So that I can tell you the story.
00:24:27This, many people think, oh, it came out of the lab in Wuhan.
00:24:31It did not come out of that lab.
00:24:34That would require intelligence.
00:24:36All right?
00:24:37And when intelligence is involved, this kind of shit doesn't happen.
00:24:42This happens when something fucking stupid happens.
00:24:47And what happened was this.
00:24:49Quite simply, somebody fucked a bat.
00:24:52Somebody fucked a bat.
00:24:54Somebody fucked a bat.
00:24:56I don't think you're listening.
00:24:58Somebody fucked a bat.
00:24:59Someone said, hey, I'm going to fuck a bat.
00:25:03They saw the bat.
00:25:05They said, ooh, look at how cute that bat is.
00:25:07I'm going to fuck that bat.
00:25:08They took their little ears on that bat and pushed them down on the table, pulled their penis out and
00:25:13put it inside a bat.
00:25:15I know it disgusts me to talk about it.
00:25:19It makes me sick.
00:25:38And listen closely.
00:25:41In the first draft of the Old Testament, I don't think you heard me.
00:25:50in the very first draft of the old testament all right um in uh that that trap there was there
00:25:58you know many christians believe that god just wrote that book just wrote it and every jew knows
00:26:05that something that is that well written took a number of fucking rewrites
00:26:11and so in the first draft it should be noted that god said before he tells adam and eve
00:26:18not to eat the apple he says whatever you do don't fuck about
00:26:28all hell will break loose
00:26:35and as you read now uh it isn't there no in the ensuing drafts it never comes back
00:26:44because god thought hey who's gonna fuck a bat
00:26:55so after listening to all of this i have to say that i felt much like i felt when i
00:27:04was in
00:27:04elementary school then i was like nine and the teacher said in case of a nuclear attack
00:27:12get under your desk
00:27:14and i said why would i do that and she said because you'll burn faster
00:27:23so
00:27:29i learned a number of important things that day
00:27:34and the most important was is that i was a target for covid
00:27:37i learned that pretty pretty quickly because uh i was old and let me say until that fucking virus
00:27:47showed up i didn't know i was fucking home
00:27:54and i had an underlying condition and so i i knew i was i was screwed and that i was
00:28:04gonna have to
00:28:05lock down that i was gonna have to go into solitary confinement in my apartment alone i would be alone
00:28:14and it was for 12 weeks
00:28:17and i learned from that experience that solitary confinement is a fucking punishment
00:28:23i mean for four days it's fun
00:28:26oh it's a treat
00:28:28your brain is having the time of its life
00:28:30it goes through everything that ever happened to you
00:28:32and it looks at it from all types of sizes everything
00:28:36all the sides everything
00:28:38you could imagine oh and this could have happened and that could have happened
00:28:41and your brain is all excited it's like your whole life is a jungle gym for your brain
00:28:46and it can't be more thrilled to be spending this time
00:28:50and you get to literally be disgusted by everything that had disgusted you
00:28:54and now you can even be madder and madder your brain could go right after it
00:28:58and that lasts for four days
00:29:00and then your brain gets fucking bored
00:29:02and when your brain is bored it comes after you
00:29:05and holy fuck then it was like the goddamn nuremberg trials day after day
00:29:11you fucked up this relationship you fucked up this relationship
00:29:14then you fucked up this relationship
00:29:16you want to know why you're alone because you fucked up that relationship
00:29:19then you fucked up this relationship
00:29:21she didn't even want to spend any time with you
00:29:23and you spent some time and not even you fucked that up
00:29:26and god damn it
00:29:27and then she'd do children oh she wanted to have children
00:29:30who the fuck would want you as a parent you piece of shit
00:29:34if you had children there'd be people all around
00:29:36but you didn't did you
00:29:38because you fucked up that relationship
00:29:40because you said oh i don't want children i want to have a career
00:29:43well look around the living room
00:29:45where's your fucking career now
00:30:01then my uh my friends would call me
00:30:06and they would they would they would say that thing that we all said
00:30:10we all said in the first 10 weeks of the of the pandemic
00:30:14we all said it's the dumbest thing anybody could fucking say
00:30:17how you doing
00:30:20how are you doing
00:30:22are you shitting me
00:30:23how the fuck do you think i'm doing asshole
00:30:26i'm trying not to die
00:30:29god damn it i'm living like a raccoon
00:30:33i'm washing every fucking thing that comes into the apartment god damn it
00:30:38only i'm wearing rubber gloves and i'm scrubbing everything down
00:30:41all of my fruits and vegetables i'm scrubbing them down with clorox
00:30:45scrubbing them down scrubbing them down
00:30:48i thought my friends would come to the house and find me dead on the floor
00:30:53then they call my other friends
00:30:55shh lewis died
00:30:58what happened
00:31:00well he had clorox poisoning
00:31:05he died the way we always thought he would die
00:31:07he died because he's a fucking moron
00:31:12meanwhile
00:31:14meanwhile there were all of those folks out there
00:31:16all of those folks
00:31:18the pandemic for them was the greatest thing that ever happened
00:31:23there were tons of those people
00:31:24it was like a renaissance for them
00:31:26please
00:31:28that actually could have broken eardrums you fuck
00:31:35god damn it
00:31:37i asked
00:31:39just because i didn't say
00:31:41not whistle
00:31:42i thought it was inherent
00:31:47i almost had a dog pop out of my ass
00:32:03there were those people
00:32:04one is here this evening
00:32:09one who learned how to become a professional whistler
00:32:13but it is people were doing all sorts of stuff
00:32:15fucking unbelievable
00:32:17i'm miserable
00:32:18and he's fucking
00:32:19how did that happen
00:32:21how did you fucking get six new degrees in 12 weeks
00:32:25what the fuck's going on
00:32:27son of a bitch
00:32:29just extraordinary to me
00:32:32you turn the tv on every day
00:32:34every one of those morning shows had one of those pricks on
00:32:37oh i just came up with 13 new sourdough starters
00:32:40well why don't you come over and suck on my sourdough starter dick you fuck
00:32:48are you kidding me
00:32:50i didn't bake
00:32:52i didn't do pop and fresh
00:32:53i didn't do toast
00:32:55but at toast then i would have to make eggs
00:32:57if i made eggs they'd have to be sunny side up
00:32:59and you never make anything with the word sunny side in it
00:33:02during a pandemic
00:33:04i didn't sous vide
00:33:07oh yeah
00:33:08everywhere everywhere throughout the country
00:33:10people were sous videing
00:33:11i found a new way to cook meat
00:33:13go fuck yourself
00:33:15there were idiots in new york city
00:33:17who were smoking meats in their kitchen
00:33:20and lived to tell about
00:33:24people became sushi zen masters
00:33:27not me
00:33:29i didn't cook for myself
00:33:32and nobody
00:33:34and i mean nobody
00:33:37should cook for themselves
00:33:39ever
00:33:40it's the road to madness
00:33:42why
00:33:45fractions
00:33:49yeah
00:33:54every recipe
00:33:56every recipe
00:33:58in the betty crocker cookbook
00:34:00is for a family
00:34:01a happy family
00:34:03of four
00:34:03not for one miserable prick
00:34:07what's one quarter
00:34:09of one sixteenth
00:34:10of a teaspoon
00:34:11of cumin
00:34:13that's not a recipe
00:34:15for a meal
00:34:15that's a recipe
00:34:16for a fucking stroke
00:34:24i did um
00:34:27the one thing i kind of
00:34:28made a commitment to
00:34:30which i'd never really done before
00:34:31but
00:34:32i really took this one
00:34:33i said
00:34:34yep
00:34:35drinking
00:34:37yeah i
00:34:38i started to
00:34:39drink
00:34:40and i drank some more
00:34:41and then i drank a bit more
00:34:42and then sometimes i drank more than that
00:34:45and i wouldn't start until seven o'clock
00:34:49i showed some fucking discipline
00:34:50but there were some days i pulled the blinds and went
00:34:53fuck it
00:34:56i drank to forget
00:34:57that's why i drank
00:34:59i drank to forget that i hadn't become a
00:35:01a sculptor or a gardener
00:35:04i hadn't bought a loom
00:35:06i wasn't making potholders
00:35:08i wasn't making masks that on the side said
00:35:11my other mask is an n95
00:35:16i didn't exercise
00:35:18okay
00:35:19i didn't buy a peloton
00:35:20because i had no kids to feed it
00:35:25i didn't uh
00:35:28i didn't like many people
00:35:30run in
00:35:30a marathon
00:35:32in my apartment
00:35:33who the fuck runs a marathon
00:35:35in their apartment
00:35:36those people should be
00:35:37taking the fuck away
00:35:38you've lost your fucking grip
00:35:40if you're running a marathon
00:35:41in your apartment
00:35:42oh i was doing really well
00:35:43then i ran into the couch
00:35:45in the 24 miles
00:35:46and god damn it i pulled a hammy
00:35:48i'm gonna be out for weeks
00:35:49shut up
00:35:56i thought i would read
00:35:59that's what i thought i would do
00:36:01i really believed i would read
00:36:03it was a perfect time for it
00:36:05i had a lot of friends who were reading tons of books
00:36:08two three four books a week
00:36:10nothing but time
00:36:12i thought this is the real opportunity i've been waiting for
00:36:14i've written i've read some really remarkable books
00:36:18i've written some of i've read some of the great books
00:36:20and now all of a sudden i found myself
00:36:23fuck
00:36:24i
00:36:26this could be it
00:36:27i can read moby dick finally
00:36:30i tried a number of times
00:36:32but only got to page eight
00:36:34i said you know what
00:36:35fuck that white whale
00:36:36i don't give a shit
00:36:38i'm not getting on that wooden fucking boat
00:36:40and going to sea
00:36:41i'll be vomiting by page 16
00:36:44god damn it
00:36:45and then i picked up the book
00:36:47and i tried to read it
00:36:48i got to page three
00:36:48and my brain said
00:36:49drop the fucking book
00:36:50you're gonna die
00:36:54i thought
00:36:59i thought that i would
00:37:02write a play
00:37:03another play
00:37:06you see
00:37:07until i got into this
00:37:09i was a playwright
00:37:11i wrote plays until i was 40
00:37:13and the reason i like to talk about this
00:37:16is because i like to feel the interest of the audience
00:37:19leave the room
00:37:23yeah
00:37:25this reinforces my choice in a way
00:37:29but i thought
00:37:30god damn it
00:37:31this would be a perfect time to write a play
00:37:34but no
00:37:36no
00:37:36you see i wrote plays for a long time
00:37:39i wrote a lot of plays
00:37:41i mean a fucking lot of plays
00:37:43to the interest of nobody
00:37:46and i didn't care
00:37:47i loved doing it
00:37:48i didn't give a shit
00:37:50and i'd send them out
00:37:51and did nothing
00:37:53and i made
00:37:54practically
00:37:54i made practically nothing on this
00:37:56i wasn't making any money
00:37:57you don't make money as a playwright
00:38:00and god damn it
00:38:01i thought
00:38:02son of a bitch
00:38:03the next one will do it
00:38:04and it didn't
00:38:04so like what i would have done really
00:38:06was kind of take a vow of poverty
00:38:08i guess i wanted to be a priest
00:38:10but keep fucking
00:38:14and i was getting just enough reinforcement
00:38:16we've all had this in our lives
00:38:18and we're trying to follow a dream
00:38:20and we kind of get reinforced to do something
00:38:22yeah
00:38:22i'm almost there
00:38:23and i kept thinking i'm getting closer and closer
00:38:25and then finally
00:38:27a series of fucking musicals came to new york
00:38:29and i said i can't write that shit
00:38:32broadway was fucking
00:38:34awash in fucking nonsense
00:38:36and the one that really drove me out of the theater
00:38:38is one that i know many of you love
00:38:41it's one of america's most loved musicals
00:38:43and it made me nuts
00:38:46cats
00:38:48that's right
00:38:49yeah don't fucking
00:38:50some of you fucking like that
00:38:52i know it
00:38:54son of a bitch
00:38:56cats i was
00:38:57i had friends in the first production of cats
00:38:59they actually went on to become stars
00:39:02are you coming to see the show
00:39:03fuck you you're dressed up like a cat
00:39:06unless you're all doing some sort of a conga line
00:39:09in a litter box
00:39:10i'm not coming
00:39:15i never saw cats
00:39:16i heard some of the music
00:39:18but i never saw it
00:39:19i couldn't bring myself to go
00:39:21but there was a production
00:39:22a number of years ago
00:39:24just before the shit hit the fan
00:39:25that was really well worth
00:39:27i wish i'd known
00:39:28i would have gone
00:39:29it was a performance of cats
00:39:32which was disrupted
00:39:33when an audience member's service dog got away
00:39:38and began chasing one of the cat costume doctors
00:39:45this is the first time one of the actual cats was involved in an incident with a dog
00:39:52how good is that
00:39:54it doesn't get any better than that
00:39:56theater is the best the theater can be is when that fourth wall drops
00:40:01when it disappears
00:40:02it's why at times if something happens like the person whistling or that the woman hooting in the back
00:40:08i respond to it because there's no fucking wall here
00:40:11but theater pretends
00:40:12and when it disappears son of a bitch
00:40:14the audience becomes a part of it
00:40:16and when you've got a dog running around on stage
00:40:19there's nothing more exciting than to hear
00:40:21memories
00:40:22oh yeah i'd have paid god
00:40:34i'd have paid a couple of thousand dollars to see that fucking show
00:40:44as time went on
00:40:46i finally realized as i began to talk to my friends
00:40:50around the country that
00:40:51there were places i could go where my friends had been doing the same thing i had
00:40:56they were hunkered down
00:40:58so that we could get together
00:41:00i could visit people
00:41:02and one of the things that made that possible
00:41:05was if i wore a mask
00:41:07this excited me no end
00:41:09but then there were many people
00:41:11it turns out
00:41:13who were really
00:41:14really upset about masks
00:41:16son of a bitch they would scream
00:41:18you're taking away my freedom
00:41:22no
00:41:23i'm asking you to wear a mask
00:41:26yeah
00:41:27that's it
00:41:28it's that simple
00:41:30a mask
00:41:31why did i ask
00:41:32because you see
00:41:34i have a
00:41:35i'm a target for covid
00:41:37so if you're not wearing a mask
00:41:39and you go
00:41:42there's a good chance
00:41:43i'm gonna fucking die
00:41:46okay
00:41:48so don't tell me
00:41:49that if i'm asking you to wear a mask
00:41:51i'm taking away your freedom
00:41:52if i ask you to
00:41:53put a ball gag in your mouth
00:41:55and then wear the mask
00:41:57then i'm taking away your freedom
00:42:00okay
00:42:04and i got
00:42:07and if i was wearing a mask
00:42:08i was in florida
00:42:09a couple of months ago
00:42:11if i'm wearing a mask
00:42:12that doesn't challenge anybody
00:42:15but in florida
00:42:16where there was no pandemic
00:42:18it really
00:42:20it really was a challenge
00:42:23people would look at me
00:42:24if i was wearing a mask
00:42:25and i'm serious
00:42:26as if i had my penis
00:42:28wrapped around my neck
00:42:29and if i had my penis
00:42:31wrapped around my neck
00:42:32i'll tell you
00:42:32i wouldn't be doing this shit
00:42:34for a living
00:42:42i did
00:42:44the thing that
00:42:45you know
00:42:46that was fascinating
00:42:47was to learn
00:42:48that some people thought
00:42:49that health and freedom
00:42:51had something to do
00:42:52with each other
00:42:52they don't
00:42:54health and freedom
00:42:55are completely separate
00:42:56and how do i know that
00:42:57how do i know that
00:42:58they're two different things
00:42:59because they're spelt differently
00:43:03i'll tell you this
00:43:08if i had not thought of this
00:43:10three weeks ago
00:43:10and thought of this
00:43:12at the very beginning
00:43:12when people
00:43:13they were asking people
00:43:14to wear masks
00:43:15i will tell you
00:43:16that what i should have done
00:43:18i should have come up
00:43:19with a mask
00:43:21with a nipple in it
00:43:26there isn't
00:43:26and i know there are folks
00:43:28out there
00:43:28because of your response
00:43:29to certain things
00:43:30that the mask thing i said
00:43:32really bothered you
00:43:33but i'm going to tell you
00:43:34fuckers
00:43:35if i put a nipple
00:43:36in that mask
00:43:36you'd be sucking away
00:43:38right now
00:43:40no kidding
00:43:41if a nip
00:43:42if you don't find
00:43:44a nipple
00:43:44to be reason enough
00:43:46to put on a mask
00:43:47you see a fucking psychiatrist
00:43:49okay
00:43:50on the list of shit
00:43:52that is wonderful
00:43:53in this world
00:43:54nipples at least
00:43:55is number three
00:43:57god damn it
00:44:00everybody be walking around
00:44:01nobody be listening
00:44:02to anybody
00:44:03i can't hear you
00:44:06and if i got liquid
00:44:07to go through that nipple
00:44:08holy fuck
00:44:09i'd be the president
00:44:25they think we're going back to normal
00:44:28they keep saying that
00:44:29i mean going back to normal
00:44:32having steve bannon
00:44:33in the white house
00:44:34is that normal
00:44:35steve bannon
00:44:36does that make sense
00:44:38steve bannon
00:44:38why would you have him
00:44:39at the white house
00:44:40why would you have him
00:44:42at the white house
00:44:44okay
00:44:44that i don't understand
00:44:45because i wouldn't want to look
00:44:47at steve bannon
00:44:48not but not on any kind
00:44:50of a bait
00:44:51steve bannon
00:44:52looks exactly
00:44:52like how i feel
00:44:54when i'm hungover
00:44:58would you put
00:44:59kellyann conway
00:45:00back in the white house
00:45:01is that normal
00:45:02kellyann conway
00:45:03is somebody
00:45:03you you you choose
00:45:05to kill your daughter's
00:45:07cheerleading rival
00:45:14we've gone back to
00:45:15we've gone back to really
00:45:17we're an abnormal
00:45:19we triple down on abnormal
00:45:21we are so abnormal
00:45:23in certain ways
00:45:24that we've made countries
00:45:25that used to look abnormal
00:45:26look fucking normal
00:45:29we're going through
00:45:30really unusual times
00:45:31really strange times
00:45:34okay
00:45:35the vaccine
00:45:37i
00:45:37see
00:45:39that
00:45:40the president
00:45:41the leader
00:45:43made
00:45:43made
00:45:44said that we were going to have
00:45:46a vaccine
00:45:47at warp speed
00:45:49and he did it
00:45:50it was done
00:45:51to his credit
00:45:53that vaccine was created
00:45:55like fucking
00:45:56nobody's business
00:45:57i thought
00:45:58that since
00:46:00he was a republican
00:46:01and
00:46:03there were
00:46:04um
00:46:04there was a lot of republicans
00:46:07that they would
00:46:09take the vaccine
00:46:11and a lot of them
00:46:13didn't
00:46:15and i went
00:46:16fuck
00:46:17did i miss a day
00:46:21i was big on the vaccine
00:46:23and the one of the reasons
00:46:25is because
00:46:25i didn't want to fucking die
00:46:28and
00:46:30and i was big on the vaccine
00:46:32because
00:46:34my mother was my role model
00:46:36when it came to health
00:46:37and my mother
00:46:39took every vaccine
00:46:41that came down the pike
00:46:43every single vaccination
00:46:46you could fucking have
00:46:49my mother took her
00:46:50one after the other
00:46:52after the other
00:46:53and
00:46:54she's
00:46:55now
00:46:56103
00:46:59so
00:47:01it wasn't a tough decision
00:47:03for me
00:47:03it's what i thought
00:47:05fuck this is perfect
00:47:06i'm gonna take the vaccine
00:47:08as a matter of fact
00:47:09i would take
00:47:10if my bathtub
00:47:12instead of giving water
00:47:14had a vaccine in it
00:47:15i'd be bathing every day
00:47:19uh-uh
00:47:20but what i didn't understand
00:47:22was my
00:47:24my generation
00:47:25i didn't understand
00:47:26how people my age
00:47:27didn't take the vaccine
00:47:29i didn't get it
00:47:30i could understand
00:47:31how other people
00:47:32might be skeptical
00:47:33not my generation
00:47:35my generation
00:47:36i thought
00:47:37pretty much gets it
00:47:38because my generation
00:47:40went through
00:47:40the greatest science experiment
00:47:42in the history of the country
00:47:43my generation
00:47:45took the polio vaccine
00:47:46my generation
00:47:49and nobody knew
00:47:50what the fuck
00:47:51was gonna happen
00:47:52nobody
00:47:53they took us out
00:47:54into the schoolyard
00:47:55had a giant
00:47:57hypodermic needle
00:47:58and take us in the arm
00:47:59and if you don't
00:48:00you're gonna lay on the ground
00:48:01we're gonna shove it up your ass
00:48:06and that's because
00:48:07our parents said
00:48:08listen you little shit
00:48:10you're taking that shot
00:48:11whether you fucking like it or not
00:48:13and that's it
00:48:15because
00:48:18because we don't want to be
00:48:19watching television
00:48:20and listen to your fucking
00:48:22iron lung
00:48:23rattle in the background
00:48:35i didn't understand
00:48:36what was
00:48:37made
00:48:38the americans
00:48:39fear the vaccine
00:48:40so much
00:48:40i never quite understood that
00:48:42where we advertise
00:48:44on television
00:48:47pharmaceuticals
00:48:48we advertise
00:48:49pharmaceuticals
00:48:50and those ads
00:48:50must work
00:48:51because people
00:48:51are fucking
00:48:52buying those pharmaceuticals
00:48:53and some of the fucking
00:48:55things that you can get
00:48:56they're telling you
00:48:58that you could get
00:48:59fucked
00:49:00by any one of these things
00:49:01you don't want to be
00:49:02allergic to it
00:49:03you could die
00:49:04boy
00:49:05you might shit yourself out
00:49:07and you'll be living
00:49:07inside out
00:49:08your outsides will be out
00:49:09your insides
00:49:10what
00:49:11are you fucking
00:49:12and people are buying it
00:49:13and maybe the problem
00:49:15we have with vaccines
00:49:16is we didn't advertise
00:49:17how shitty
00:49:18the reaction would be
00:49:19you're fucked
00:49:20we should have told people
00:49:21yeah take that
00:49:22vaccine
00:49:22it's really gonna
00:49:23fuck you up
00:49:23your eyes will cross
00:49:24look i can't wait
00:49:25to get it
00:49:29in a goddamn country
00:49:30denying the fucking
00:49:32i'm not taking the vaccine
00:49:33but we buy 12 billion dollars
00:49:35in supplements
00:49:36what the fuck
00:49:37are we thinking
00:49:37you gotta be kidding me
00:49:39they're supplements
00:49:40you idiot
00:49:41they're not regulated
00:49:42people put whatever
00:49:43the shit they want to
00:49:44in those capsules
00:49:45figure it the fuck out
00:49:47god damn it
00:49:48it's in a cvs
00:49:50it's in a walmart
00:49:52it's in a goddamn
00:49:53duane reed
00:49:54it's sitting there
00:49:56you god damn it
00:49:58oh boy
00:49:58i'm taking these pills
00:50:00because frank thomas
00:50:01and doug flutie
00:50:02they took their pills
00:50:03and they got bigger
00:50:04dicks now
00:50:05are you kidding me
00:50:07the fuck planet
00:50:08are you living on
00:50:10they're sitting
00:50:11the goddamn things
00:50:13are sitting
00:50:13these supplements
00:50:14are right next to
00:50:15tampexes
00:50:16and if i covered
00:50:17the tampex
00:50:17and chocolate
00:50:18and tried to sell it
00:50:19as something
00:50:20that'd give you
00:50:20hair back
00:50:21people would be
00:50:21fucking biting down
00:50:24we're taking cbd oil
00:50:26like there's no
00:50:27fucking tomorrow
00:50:27no and it's not
00:50:29regulated
00:50:30some people have
00:50:31great cbd
00:50:31and they're really
00:50:32giving shit about it
00:50:33but a lot of them
00:50:34don't give a fuck
00:50:34they're truck stops
00:50:35i've been to
00:50:36where they don't even
00:50:37know how to spell cbd
00:50:40god damn it
00:50:41i'm surprised
00:50:42there are people
00:50:42who it's a fucking
00:50:43comes from a weed
00:50:44that grows by the
00:50:45side of the road
00:50:45i'm surprised we don't
00:50:46see thousands of
00:50:47americans on their
00:50:48hands and knees
00:50:49chewing that shit up
00:50:51god damn it
00:50:52i'm taking a fucking
00:50:53supplement
00:50:54it's called ashwagandha
00:50:55that's how hip i am
00:50:57it's an indian herb
00:50:58and it's supposed
00:50:59to make you calm
00:51:00that's really fucking
00:51:01working out
00:51:19one thing that we've
00:51:20one thing we've
00:51:21really um got to
00:51:23deal with in this
00:51:24country is is we
00:51:26we have to deal
00:51:27with the the truly
00:51:29crazy people that walk
00:51:31amongst us
00:51:33we used to do that
00:51:35if somebody did
00:51:36something crazy we
00:51:37didn't go well let's
00:51:38try to understand that
00:51:40no
00:51:42no
00:51:44we went holy fuck
00:51:45you're gonna go have
00:51:46to sit there for a
00:51:47while in the tent with
00:51:48the white lab coat guy
00:51:50yes
00:51:51we did
00:51:52and the reason we
00:51:54have to clear out
00:51:55the truly cray craze
00:51:56is because the rest of
00:51:58us have real mental
00:51:59health issues
00:52:00and if you don't think
00:52:02you have a mental
00:52:02health issue after
00:52:04being alone on one
00:52:07level or another for
00:52:08the last fucking few
00:52:10years something is
00:52:12wrong with you
00:52:14we all have the
00:52:16problem it's nothing to
00:52:17be ashamed of okay i
00:52:19had never experienced
00:52:20depression i had never
00:52:22experienced anxiety
00:52:24and and uh and god
00:52:26damn it we have got
00:52:28to find a way so that
00:52:31we can deal with our
00:52:32problems and our
00:52:33children's problems all
00:52:35right because if you
00:52:36allow look to allow
00:52:38q anon to run amok
00:52:40they're nuts okay and i
00:52:42don't give a fuck if
00:52:43your cousin's in q anon
00:52:44and you don't think he's
00:52:45nuts i'm not a
00:52:46psychiatrist but i
00:52:48know cray cray when i
00:52:49fucking see it
00:52:51i'm old enough
00:52:54i get it god damn it
00:52:58pedophiles everywhere
00:52:59they're pedophiles
00:53:00everywhere they yell
00:53:01that's what the q anon
00:53:03son of a bitch they're
00:53:04out in hollywood
00:53:05they're politicians
00:53:06fuck you god damn it
00:53:09put that energy into
00:53:10finding real pedophiles
00:53:11what are you wasting
00:53:12fucking time for
00:53:13you're gonna tell me
00:53:15hillary clinton is a
00:53:16pedophile are you
00:53:17fucking nuts
00:53:18hillary clinton doesn't
00:53:20want to have sex with
00:53:21children hillary clinton
00:53:22doesn't even want to
00:53:23have sex anymore
00:53:32and then and this is
00:53:34when we could have got
00:53:35them they a bunch of
00:53:37them gathered down in
00:53:39dealey plaza that was
00:53:41where they killed um
00:53:43president kennedy and
00:53:45they said that um uh that
00:53:48they believed that um john
00:53:50f kennedy jr was going to
00:53:53come back
00:53:54now i don't think when
00:54:00somebody comes back from
00:54:02the dead they go to the
00:54:03place where their father's
00:54:04killed
00:54:06so i called him up to see
00:54:09and he said no i'm not
00:54:12coming back i've got i'm
00:54:13coming in three weeks
00:54:14that's when my flying
00:54:15lesson is
00:54:23that's that's worth the
00:54:24whole evening
00:54:29that that's what upsets
00:54:30you and it's good you have
00:54:31empathy
00:54:32we don't have empathy for
00:54:34live people but fucking
00:54:35dead people were right on
00:54:40and he was coming back
00:54:42because he was going to
00:54:42meet up with donald trump
00:54:44this is the this is what
00:54:46they said and then the two
00:54:47of them would go to the
00:54:48white house and kick out
00:54:50the ghost of christmas past
00:54:56they were all there there
00:54:57was a whole bunch of them
00:54:58there in dealey plaza just
00:55:03there and all we needed to
00:55:05do was fly over them and
00:55:08drop a net
00:55:17in the end i think what i
00:55:22think what really got to me
00:55:25and i think got to all of us
00:55:27in a way was uh the lack of
00:55:30companionship uh and and
00:55:34companionship you may have
00:55:35been with your family but
00:55:37you weren't out in the public
00:55:38square you weren't with
00:55:39people and uh and that makes
00:55:42a difference because
00:55:43otherwise you're just staring
00:55:44at your phone yelling at that
00:55:46prick who you don't know
00:55:49sending out little things to
00:55:50tell them what an asshole they
00:55:52are
00:55:53and that was a big problem
00:55:55because if you're not with
00:55:57those people you start to
00:55:59realize you know you get
00:56:00separated from them i i know
00:56:03that something was wrong with
00:56:04that separation i i i know
00:56:07because i began to miss
00:56:09assholes their presence not on
00:56:13the phone i don't need them on
00:56:15the phone i need them right in
00:56:16front of me saying something
00:56:17really fucking stupid and then we
00:56:20can talk about baseball teams we
00:56:21like but you need assholes assholes
00:56:25make us better not on a screen but
00:56:28when they're there in the room
00:56:29fucking a oh boy you say i may be
00:56:32an asshole but that's a bigger
00:56:34asshole and i was really i was
00:56:39fucking what fucked me up was a
00:56:41lack of companionship at that time
00:56:44that that sense of being amongst
00:56:47people my friends early on in the
00:56:49pandemic when i was losing my
00:56:51goddamn grip said you know what you
00:56:53need you need a cat
00:56:59those people are no longer my
00:57:00friends
00:57:04there's something wrong with cats
00:57:05there's something wrong with cats
00:57:07there's something wrong with
00:57:08fucking cats there's something
00:57:09wrong with cats and the only people
00:57:11who don't know that there's
00:57:12something wrong with cats are
00:57:13people who own cats and they own
00:57:16cats because they don't trust
00:57:17people
00:57:17no what they trust is a cat and
00:57:20nobody should trust a cat because
00:57:22these people have never looked in a
00:57:23cat's eyes and don't you ever look in
00:57:25a cat's eyes. I have, and a cat will try to suck your soul out. My soul is this big,
00:57:31and I got
00:57:31involved in a fight with a tomcat, that son of a bitch. What if he got my soul? What would
00:57:36that
00:57:36fucker do with it? I had to kick it in the mouth, that son of a bitch. If a cat
00:57:40weighed 20 pounds
00:57:41more, it would eat you. It would eat you. It would eat you. It would eat you. People who own
00:57:46cats say
00:57:46when it rubs up against me, it makes that purring sound. It's telling me it loves me. No, it's not.
00:57:51It's telling you, you may feed me, but soon I will feed on you. Yes, sir, E. Bob. Oh,
00:57:57but it makes that pretty sound. That sound sounds like there's a fucking engine inside. Sometimes
00:58:02I think that cats aren't animals. They're fucking machines. Okay? They shit in a box. They shit
00:58:07in a box. They shit in a box. They shit in a box. A cat shits in a box. No
00:58:14other animal
00:58:14shits in a box. During the fall, do you ever see a goddamn squirrel building a hut for himself
00:58:19to take a shit? No, you don't. No, because the cat's hiding in there to send the tapes
00:58:25they've been making of you back to the mothership, asshole. They've been tracking you. They're
00:58:30the ones that control space lasers, not us Jews.
00:58:53So, I was asked a lot, as I was sitting around, I do these interviews, you know, boy, you're
00:59:01not working. What do you miss the most about, you know, performing? Do you miss the laughter?
00:59:09I said, what? Laughter? I said, I do a lot of performing and to no laughs. And I do a
00:59:19lot
00:59:19of times that I'll hear laughter and no one is there.
00:59:28Mystery Bob. No, I said, what I missed, and this is, uh, what I missed was my relationship
00:59:38with the audience. What I missed is the fact that I missed you. I missed the, this is, um...
00:59:53This is really sad for you. This is sad, what I'm going to say, but it's sad for you. It's
00:59:59that you are my primary relationship. And you are. You're the ones I talk to. And you've
01:00:08given me, uh, you've, you've come out year after year after year, and I'm, I'm in front
01:00:15of you, and you allow me to, to basically write in front of you. I'm writing in front of you.
01:00:23It takes a fucking idiot to do that. And it takes a group of people who are also idiots
01:00:29to come out and give me that kind of freedom. It's extraordinary to me. You've given me a
01:00:37gift that I will never be able to repay. And for that, I deeply thank all of you.
01:00:54And, and, uh, well, they, don't, let's not push you.
01:01:11And so in the end, uh, what I realized is, is that, um, I really, I really don't like you.
01:01:27But tragically, I need you. So, uh, please take care of each other. And, uh, and I love
01:01:36you. I can't thank you enough. Good night.
01:02:17You're welcome.
01:03:18It's unbelievable.
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