In this stand-up special, the comedy undertaker Shuler King delivers a powerful and hilarious routine that will leave audiences in stitches.
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00:00:00You see him on Facebook, you see him on Instagram, you seen him on YouTube, seen him on Wild'n
00:00:06Out,
00:00:06but you about to see him here tonight to do his motherfucking thing.
00:00:10So make some noise for my man, Mr. Anybody Wanna Tell Me?
00:00:15Shoot!
00:00:16Peace!
00:00:18Damn it, anybody wanna tell me?
00:00:25Anybody wanna tell me?
00:00:34Hey, cut it off, cut the shit off.
00:00:36I'm a bunch of grown folks, y'all in here, sleepy little bitch.
00:00:40I hear that and say, y'all be like, whoo-hoo!
00:00:44God damn it, I got a bone to pick with y'all.
00:00:46I'm dead serious, too, because y'all need to stop doing this.
00:00:49It's time to forgive Will Smith, all right?
00:00:52Yes, I said it, time to forgive.
00:00:54I know he messed up and shit, but y'all need to forgive him.
00:00:56Y'all be fucking with Will all in the comments.
00:00:59He can't post nothing on social media.
00:01:01He'll post some shit that ain't got nothing to do with Chris Rock.
00:01:04He be swimming with a dolphin.
00:01:05Hey, y'all in the comments, I'm glad you ain't slapped the shit out the goddamn dolphin with.
00:01:11Time to forgive him.
00:01:12I know he fucked up the Oscars for all the black people on Earth.
00:01:16Yes, he did.
00:01:17But they've been complaining for years, saying they only let one black person win an Oscar every 10, 20 years.
00:01:23And you know there's got to be some truth to that, because I swear Angela Bassett's supposed to have about
00:01:2740 Oscars by now.
00:01:29Yeah.
00:01:31She done played everybody.
00:01:34She done been Martin Luther King's wife and Malcolm X's wife.
00:01:39Frederick Douglass, Grandmama, every fucking body.
00:01:42And on the one night, they decide to let 1,700 black people win a damn Oscar on the same
00:01:48night.
00:01:49We don't even know who won.
00:01:50All we know is Will slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.
00:01:53That's the only thing we remember from the damn nights.
00:01:57Because Morgan Freeman won an Oscar that night.
00:01:59People don't even know that.
00:02:01And I know that because when the Oscars came back on, they introduced Morgan Freeman.
00:02:05They were like, Academy Award winning actor Morgan Freeman.
00:02:08Everybody was sitting in the crowd, where the fuck Morgan Freeman won an Oscar?
00:02:13Must have been that night Will slapped the shit out of Chris Rock.
00:02:17Goddamn it.
00:02:17Chris took that slap like a damn man, too.
00:02:20He, goddamn Will, went up there, hit his ass, went back to his seat, started screaming like a little bitch.
00:02:26I'm like, keep my wife's name.
00:02:29How's she fucking know?
00:02:33And y'all was thinking, fuck her.
00:02:38Talking about she got alopecia.
00:02:39Who knew that?
00:02:41Nobody, not a damn soul in here.
00:02:42Y'all ain't get a text message or email or nothing about no damn alopecia.
00:02:46How the hell we posing though?
00:02:47Jade have been bald headed since set it off.
00:02:49How the fuck we boy?
00:02:54And I think she lying.
00:02:57Yes, I do.
00:02:58I said it.
00:02:59Yes, I do.
00:02:59How the fuck you supposed to have alopecia, but you still got your eyebrows?
00:03:02How the fuck that happened?
00:03:05Everybody I know who got alopecia, lose their eyebrows.
00:03:08Why you still got your shit?
00:03:10Jade is walking around here with arm hair and that little fur on your finger.
00:03:14You ain't got no goddamn alopecia.
00:03:17I just want some attention.
00:03:19Like I said, boys, Chris took that hit like a man.
00:03:22He took that snap like a damn G.
00:03:24That motherfucker.
00:03:29You know how you get hit in public and look around and see who saw it?
00:03:36You know what I didn't know?
00:03:37I didn't know that they tried to get Chris to press charges on Will.
00:03:41I didn't know that.
00:03:42Like as soon as they went to commercial break, they went straight to Chris.
00:03:45Chris, you don't have to take that.
00:03:47The police are here and you can press charges if you want to.
00:03:50They will take him, escort him out of the building and take him to jail.
00:03:54All you have to do is say that you want to press charges and we will do it.
00:03:57We will make that happen.
00:03:58All you got to do.
00:03:59And Chris wouldn't do it.
00:04:00He refused to do it.
00:04:01The more they talk to him, the more he just talk to him.
00:04:03That's okay.
00:04:04I'm all right.
00:04:04I'm good.
00:04:05I'm good.
00:04:06I'm good.
00:04:06The more he must have done this, of the better than me.
00:04:09I think I would have been all in the police station.
00:04:13Crying like a little bitch.
00:04:15He hit me in my face.
00:04:18In front of everybody.
00:04:21The next time y'all would have seen me, my ass would have been on TV in a hospital bed.
00:04:27With a neck brace on.
00:04:30And a heart monitor in the back.
00:04:36Slipping in and out of a coma.
00:04:42Mama, is that you?
00:04:46I'm getting ready to get paid.
00:04:48Damn that.
00:04:49I ain't even going to lie.
00:04:51I was a little jealous of Chris.
00:04:52Still a little bit.
00:04:53I was jealous of Chris.
00:04:55I don't get jealous of people.
00:04:56You know what I mean?
00:04:57But I was jealous of him that night he got hit.
00:04:59I don't get jealous of people.
00:05:01My life is going fine, okay?
00:05:03Y'all see the fake jury.
00:05:04I'm doing good.
00:05:06You got to have a little chance to get this type of fake jury.
00:05:09You understand?
00:05:11I'm doing all right.
00:05:12I don't get jealous of people.
00:05:13But I got jealous of Chris that night he got hit.
00:05:15Look at it from my perspective, okay?
00:05:17Think about this shit.
00:05:18Chris Rock got $200 million.
00:05:22See, look at it.
00:05:23Most people don't even know that.
00:05:24Because Chris never talk about his money.
00:05:26Chris got $200 million.
00:05:29You know how lucky your ass got to be?
00:05:32You already got $200 million.
00:05:35And then some jackass with $850 million
00:05:39come slap the shit out of you on TV?
00:05:42You lucky motherfucker.
00:05:45I can tell y'all right now,
00:05:47somebody with $850 million slapped me,
00:05:50y'all will never hear another joke.
00:05:55Nope, that'll be it.
00:05:56I'm going to miss y'all.
00:05:58I'm going to miss your smiling faces.
00:06:01But if you want to see me again,
00:06:02you have to take your ass to the Bahamas.
00:06:04But that's exactly where I'm going to be at.
00:06:06Running around the island with no shirt on
00:06:08and some cut-off shorts,
00:06:09pissy drunk,
00:06:10singing Will Smith songs all goddamn day.
00:06:14That's the least I can do for him
00:06:16for what he done did for me.
00:06:18As soon as you see me,
00:06:19that's all you're going to hear.
00:06:20Got in one little fight
00:06:22and my mom got scared.
00:06:27Thank you, Will.
00:06:30I said, I ain't got to work no more.
00:06:32Fuck that.
00:06:33I said, I want to check on the men.
00:06:36Fellas, y'all okay?
00:06:38Look at your half-assed.
00:06:41Don't act like I can't see you.
00:06:43I said, y'all all right?
00:06:46I see you in here with your lady
00:06:47looking like a hostage.
00:06:50You don't even know if you can say something.
00:06:52I said, men, y'all okay?
00:06:54Am I good?
00:06:56No, I'm saying I wanted to make sure.
00:06:58You remember we had that conversation
00:07:01about me talking out of turn in public?
00:07:03Remember that?
00:07:04I'm just saying I wanted to make sure.
00:07:06It's really my fault.
00:07:06I should have asked you at the house,
00:07:08could I talk while we was outside?
00:07:12Thought it was cool.
00:07:13I wanted to make sure I checked on the men,
00:07:15make sure y'all, you know, y'all okay.
00:07:18The men, I want you to know something, damn it.
00:07:20You matter.
00:07:22You see how fucked up it is to be a man?
00:07:24All I said was, y'all matter.
00:07:26Women start giggling and shit.
00:07:29I said, men, you matter.
00:07:31I said, men, y'all don't even know
00:07:34what to do with that information.
00:07:35I said, you matter.
00:07:36All right.
00:07:41That part of the joke that's going on.
00:07:44Y'all don't even know.
00:07:46Yes, I wanted to make sure y'all okay
00:07:47and check on y'all, especially, you know, men,
00:07:50because y'all lost a hero not too long ago.
00:07:52Yes, you did.
00:07:53You lost one person.
00:07:55You had one damn person.
00:07:56Most of the time, men ain't got no damn hero.
00:07:58Most of the time, you got to be your own fucking hero.
00:08:01And then you mess around and had one.
00:08:02Just one guy who said the things you wanted to say
00:08:05and said it how you wanted to say it.
00:08:07And then all of a sudden, he just died on you.
00:08:11His name was Kevin Samuels.
00:08:12You remember his name?
00:08:16Look at the women.
00:08:17Fuck him.
00:08:20Some of y'all don't even know who Kevin Samuels was.
00:08:23If you don't know, let me tell you.
00:08:25Kevin Samuels was an old man that was a young man
00:08:28that was an old man again.
00:08:31And he passed away suddenly.
00:08:33But before he passed away,
00:08:34he became very popular on social media.
00:08:37And the reason he became popular
00:08:39is because Kevin decided consciously
00:08:41that he was going to break a man law.
00:08:43Yes, he decided he was going to break a man law.
00:08:46One of the most important
00:08:47and the oldest man laws known to man.
00:08:50All right?
00:08:50That man law that Kevin decided
00:08:52that he was going to break
00:08:53is that he decided
00:08:56that he was going to tell women
00:09:00the truth.
00:09:04You don't do no shit like that.
00:09:05You do not,
00:09:06under no circumstances,
00:09:08every man in here know,
00:09:09uh-uh,
00:09:10you do not
00:09:12tell women the truth.
00:09:13You do not.
00:09:14You, uh-uh, lie.
00:09:15You want to keep a woman happy?
00:09:16You want to know the secret
00:09:17to a happy-ass relationship?
00:09:18Every man know this shit.
00:09:19Lie.
00:09:20Lie, lie, lie, lie, lie.
00:09:22You want to keep a woman happy to lie
00:09:23your ass off.
00:09:24You got to.
00:09:25I know a man in here
00:09:26tells a woman 100% the truth.
00:09:28We deviate between 10% and 85%.
00:09:30That's all.
00:09:31They can tell you fucking 100%.
00:09:33Women ask us all the time.
00:09:34I said, why the men lie so much?
00:09:36You really want to know?
00:09:37Put the chicken down.
00:09:38Come closer.
00:09:39I'll tell you.
00:09:41We lie because your happiness
00:09:42requires the shit.
00:09:44Yes, it is true.
00:09:45And y'all love a good-ass lie.
00:09:47Ain't nothing better to a woman
00:09:49than a good-ass lie.
00:09:50Y'all eating up for breakfast.
00:09:51The shit tastes good
00:09:52coming out of our mouth
00:09:53going into your mouth.
00:09:55And I'll say that
00:09:55to everybody in here.
00:09:56Well, ladies,
00:09:57if you're in here with your man
00:09:58and you got a good man
00:09:59and you're happy with your man,
00:10:01yes, you got a good man,
00:10:02but you also have a man
00:10:03that figured out
00:10:04when, where, and how
00:10:06to lie to your crazy ass.
00:10:10Yes, that is how you survive.
00:10:12You have to lie to your woman
00:10:13no matter what.
00:10:14I don't give a fuck.
00:10:14Nobody say,
00:10:15y'all love lies so much
00:10:17y'all make us go through drills
00:10:20so we know the lies
00:10:21that your ass want to hear.
00:10:23That's true.
00:10:24Y'all got your own personal drills,
00:10:25but there's general ones
00:10:26that women put me in through.
00:10:28You know what I mean?
00:10:29That you just,
00:10:29you just like a pop quiz.
00:10:31We be in the room
00:10:31minding our damn business.
00:10:32Here you come with the fucking drill
00:10:35to remind us
00:10:36what lie your ass want to hear.
00:10:38What's a real common one?
00:10:40We be sitting in the damn room.
00:10:41Here your ass come.
00:10:42Sweetie,
00:10:43um,
00:10:45do I look big in this dress?
00:10:48And now you got to say your line.
00:10:52No.
00:10:57You look beautiful.
00:11:01What the fuck you really want to say?
00:11:03Hell yeah,
00:11:03you look big in that goddamn dress.
00:11:04Why the hell you asking me
00:11:06if you look big in that dress
00:11:07like you don't look big
00:11:08in the rest of this shit you got on?
00:11:10Like it's that dress.
00:11:11No,
00:11:11you could have been walking in here
00:11:12wearing a shoestring.
00:11:13You still gonna look big in the motherfucker
00:11:14because you big.
00:11:16The doctor said you're 375 pounds.
00:11:18What the fuck you asking me
00:11:20if your ass is big?
00:11:21Why the fuck you,
00:11:22that's the dumbest question in the world.
00:11:23You walk sideways
00:11:24through all the goddamn doors
00:11:25and shit in the damn house.
00:11:27Think about it.
00:11:28When the last time
00:11:29I let you get on top?
00:11:33Exactly.
00:11:33I let you get on top
00:11:34one time last year
00:11:36and I dislocated my liver
00:11:38fucking with you.
00:11:41Ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:11:46And what's the other drill?
00:11:48Y'all,
00:11:49we be in the room
00:11:50minding our business
00:11:51here, y'all walking in the room.
00:11:52Sweetie,
00:11:53do you like my hair?
00:11:55Most of the time.
00:11:56Yes.
00:11:57But sometimes you wanna say,
00:12:01did the beautician die
00:12:03right in the middle
00:12:03of doing your goddamn hair?
00:12:05Like when she halfway done
00:12:06and just fell the fuck over there.
00:12:08Come on, baby,
00:12:09don't worry about it.
00:12:09Get in the car.
00:12:10I'm gonna take you
00:12:10to the sporting goods store
00:12:11and I'm gonna buy you a helmet.
00:12:13Come on.
00:12:14When you pick out the helmets
00:12:15you like,
00:12:16do your arm like this
00:12:17and don't nobody ask
00:12:18why you got a goddamn helmet on.
00:12:20We gonna tell everybody
00:12:21we met at the Boys and Girls Club.
00:12:24That's how the shit goes.
00:12:25Yes.
00:12:25I'm telling you,
00:12:26that is the world.
00:12:27And I'll tell you what else.
00:12:28If you wanna make some money
00:12:29real fast in this country,
00:12:31in America,
00:12:32all you got to do
00:12:33is tell women lies
00:12:34that they wanna hear.
00:12:36That's all you gotta do.
00:12:37You wanna make some money
00:12:37real fast.
00:12:38You wanna get rich?
00:12:39Just tell women
00:12:40a bunch of lies
00:12:41that they like to hear.
00:12:42I got an example for you.
00:12:44Case in point,
00:12:45Motown Records.
00:12:47Yes, Motown Records
00:12:49have been making music
00:12:49since the 1950s.
00:12:51They got catalogs
00:12:52on top of catalogs of music.
00:12:53They done made
00:12:54hundreds of millions of dollars.
00:12:55And you'd be hard pressed
00:12:56to find one woman
00:12:57that don't like
00:12:58at least one damn Motown song.
00:13:00Women love Motown music.
00:13:01And the reason that they do
00:13:03is because 99%
00:13:05of the shit they made
00:13:06was men lying to women.
00:13:09Yep.
00:13:10Every other song.
00:13:11Baby come back.
00:13:12Girl, you the only one.
00:13:13Can't stop thinking about it.
00:13:14Lie, lie, fucking lie.
00:13:18The temptation said,
00:13:21I got sunshine
00:13:24on a cloudy day.
00:13:27And when it's cold outside,
00:13:31I got the month of May.
00:13:34Motherfucker,
00:13:34y'all in Detroit.
00:13:37It's cold as shit out there.
00:13:38Y'all next to Canada.
00:13:39Ain't no piece of pussy
00:13:40gonna make it feel like me.
00:13:42Lying your ass off, Dave.
00:13:44Get the fuck out of here.
00:13:45I done been up there
00:13:45in that cold.
00:13:46That kind of cold
00:13:46will make the inside
00:13:47of your knees freeze.
00:13:49You ever had the inside
00:13:50of your knees cold?
00:13:51That will break up a marriage.
00:13:53Let one of y'all
00:13:54be walking too slow
00:13:55in the house.
00:13:55I said, what the fuck
00:13:56wrong with you?
00:13:57Bring your ass in this damn house.
00:13:59It's cold as shit out here.
00:14:01God damn it,
00:14:02you ain't my soulmate.
00:14:03Soon as we get in the house,
00:14:04I'm calling the lawyer.
00:14:05This is bullshit.
00:14:09I'll tell you what else
00:14:10when it comes to lying to women.
00:14:12I'll tell you what else.
00:14:13And men know this.
00:14:14Men know this.
00:14:15Women, y'all don't have a clue.
00:14:16Men know this.
00:14:17This is a survival tactic.
00:14:20Sometimes, now when I say this,
00:14:23ladies, I want you to look
00:14:24at your man's face.
00:14:26Fellas, don't look at her.
00:14:27Look at me.
00:14:32Sometimes, you got to lie
00:14:34to your woman
00:14:35when there's nothing
00:14:37to lie about.
00:14:39Look at all the men.
00:14:44Women, I don't know
00:14:45what the hell I'm talking about.
00:14:45Why would you lie
00:14:46if there's nothing to lie about?
00:14:48That doesn't make any sense.
00:14:49It makes perfect sense to all of you.
00:14:51You know what the fuck
00:14:51I'm talking about.
00:14:52Watch this.
00:14:53I can make a perfect example
00:14:54of why we got a lot of you
00:14:56and it's your fucking fault.
00:14:58Yeah, we do.
00:14:58All the men in here,
00:14:59I'm telling you,
00:15:00all of us together.
00:15:01Let's say we're going on
00:15:02a guy trip.
00:15:02You too.
00:15:04You coming with me.
00:15:05That's right.
00:15:06We need a white man
00:15:07just in case we get pulled over.
00:15:08Come on.
00:15:10Somebody got to be
00:15:11the ambassador for freedom.
00:15:12You got to come on.
00:15:16No, I'm dead serious.
00:15:17Let's say we all going
00:15:18on a guy trip, all right?
00:15:20Now, we don't plan on
00:15:20doing nothing wrong
00:15:21on the guy trip.
00:15:22We're not going
00:15:22to the strip club.
00:15:23We ain't got no side holes coming.
00:15:25Nobody plan on grabbing
00:15:26a teddy or butt or nothing.
00:15:27We just going on
00:15:28a guy trip
00:15:29and we doing fun
00:15:30guy trip shit.
00:15:31Now, what do we do?
00:15:32We go on a guy trip
00:15:33and we doing guy shit.
00:15:34We eat good steak,
00:15:35smoke good cigars,
00:15:36drink good liquor.
00:15:37We'll go to a football game,
00:15:39boxing match,
00:15:40MMA match,
00:15:40basketball game,
00:15:41something like that.
00:15:42We may get drunk,
00:15:42go to Walmart,
00:15:43buy a bunch of axes,
00:15:44and chop a tree down
00:15:45on somebody else's property
00:15:47just to watch
00:15:48the damn tree fall
00:15:49because we ignorant-ass men
00:15:51and we like to do
00:15:52ignorant-ass man shit
00:15:53when women ain't around.
00:15:55We'll get drunk,
00:15:55go to a bar,
00:15:56see another group
00:15:57of guys,
00:15:57get into a fight,
00:15:58whoop the dog shit
00:15:59out of them,
00:16:00come back to the same bar
00:16:01and be friends
00:16:02with that same group
00:16:02of dudes like
00:16:03ain't nothing to happen
00:16:03because we men
00:16:04and we ignorant
00:16:05and we like to do
00:16:06macho man shit,
00:16:08okay?
00:16:08And it turns out
00:16:09that the guy trip
00:16:10was the best goddamn
00:16:11weekend of your life.
00:16:13You understand
00:16:13what I'm saying?
00:16:14Did you hear what I said?
00:16:15Out of all the weekends
00:16:16you lived,
00:16:17the guy trip turned out
00:16:18to be the best
00:16:19fucking weekend
00:16:21of your entire life.
00:16:23Out of all
00:16:23of them damn weekends,
00:16:25it was the best.
00:16:25You would describe
00:16:26this weekend
00:16:27as stupendous.
00:16:30It was a stupendous weekend
00:16:31and it was the best
00:16:32damn weekend
00:16:33of your entire life.
00:16:35But when you come home,
00:16:36walk through the door,
00:16:37put your bags down
00:16:38and your lady say,
00:16:39how was the trip?
00:16:40What'd you say?
00:16:41It was all right.
00:16:45Cool.
00:16:48You don't go into
00:16:50no details.
00:16:50It was all right.
00:16:51It really ain't nothing
00:16:52nothing about that, man.
00:16:53It ain't nothing about that.
00:16:55That's right.
00:16:56You got the lie.
00:16:56You know why
00:16:57you got the lie?
00:16:58Because you know
00:16:59you can't come home
00:17:00and tell her
00:17:02that you had
00:17:03the best weekend
00:17:04of your fucking life
00:17:06without her.
00:17:09Not if you want
00:17:09some peace in that house.
00:17:10You better not do
00:17:11that shit like that.
00:17:12Let your ass come home,
00:17:13tell her the truth,
00:17:13and see what the fuck happened.
00:17:15How was the trip?
00:17:16Oh, baby.
00:17:21It was the best weekend
00:17:23of my life.
00:17:24It was stupendous.
00:17:26Watch what the fuck happened.
00:17:34So when you start
00:17:35using the word stupendous,
00:17:38as long as we've been together,
00:17:39you've been using
00:17:40one and two syllable words
00:17:41and shit,
00:17:42and you done went on
00:17:43this little funk-ass
00:17:44little boy trip.
00:17:45You see how it went
00:17:46from a guy trip
00:17:47to a funk-ass
00:17:48little boy trip?
00:17:49You done went on
00:17:50this funk-ass
00:17:51little boy trip,
00:17:52now you come back here
00:17:53talking about
00:17:53a damn stupendous.
00:17:54What was so stupendous
00:17:55about this damn trip?
00:17:57I tell you what,
00:17:58better not be
00:17:58no stupendous bitches.
00:18:03She gonna make you call
00:18:05everybody who was
00:18:05on the trip.
00:18:07It's four o'clock
00:18:07in the damn morning.
00:18:09Call Tony right now.
00:18:11Matter of fact,
00:18:12don't call FaceTime.
00:18:14Don't tell him
00:18:15I'm standing here
00:18:15just FaceTime.
00:18:16Now you got to try
00:18:17to warn Tony
00:18:18with your eyes and shit.
00:18:21You...
00:18:35She's standing
00:18:36on the other side
00:18:37of the phone.
00:18:37Ask him about the trip.
00:18:40Ask him about the trip.
00:18:42You scared as hell.
00:18:46You enjoying the trip?
00:18:49Tony ain't picking up
00:18:50on none of the hints.
00:18:51Hell yeah,
00:18:52it was the bad guy
00:18:52the hell we get.
00:18:53Shit.
00:18:56Damn,
00:18:57Tony about to get
00:18:58your ass whipped.
00:19:00Four in the morning.
00:19:01That's right.
00:19:03Kevin Samuels decided
00:19:04he was gonna tell
00:19:05women the truth
00:19:05and that's why
00:19:07women had him killed.
00:19:12Yeah,
00:19:13y'all didn't know
00:19:13I knew that,
00:19:14did you?
00:19:15Yeah,
00:19:16I saw them
00:19:16cash app receipts.
00:19:18I saw them.
00:19:19No,
00:19:19the real reason
00:19:20women didn't like
00:19:21Kevin Samuels,
00:19:21they would say
00:19:22that Kevin was rude
00:19:23to women.
00:19:24Is that true?
00:19:25Yes,
00:19:25he was rude.
00:19:26Yes,
00:19:26I would agree.
00:19:27He was a little coarse.
00:19:30But ladies,
00:19:31you have to agree
00:19:32with this.
00:19:32You got to agree
00:19:33with this.
00:19:33It was funny as hell.
00:19:35That shit was hilarious.
00:19:37I used to catch
00:19:37some of them live
00:19:38sometimes.
00:19:39Not the whole thing,
00:19:39I kept some of the snippets,
00:19:40you know what I mean?
00:19:41I know he'd be,
00:19:42like he'll go live
00:19:43and he'd be sitting
00:19:44at his desk,
00:19:45have his little suit on,
00:19:47you know what I'm saying?
00:19:48Little glasses,
00:19:49he'd be sitting there,
00:19:50you know,
00:19:50just be at the desk,
00:19:51just chilling,
00:19:52just...
00:20:00All right,
00:20:03I'm joking,
00:20:04okay?
00:20:05I don't think
00:20:06Kevin was gay.
00:20:08All right?
00:20:08I don't,
00:20:09okay?
00:20:11But he was spicy
00:20:12to the motherfucker.
00:20:15It was a lot of
00:20:16lorries and paprika
00:20:17on Kevin.
00:20:18It was a lot of
00:20:19Old Bay on him,
00:20:20I will say that.
00:20:22But he'll be sitting
00:20:23on live,
00:20:24you know,
00:20:24he'll wait for the numbers
00:20:25to get up
00:20:26so people join the live
00:20:27and stuff,
00:20:27and when the numbers
00:20:28got right,
00:20:29you know,
00:20:29he'll be on there,
00:20:30and then he'll invite
00:20:31a girl
00:20:32on to the live
00:20:33with him,
00:20:33you know,
00:20:33always be some
00:20:34hood chick,
00:20:36you know,
00:20:36got AK-47 tattooed
00:20:38right here and shit,
00:20:39a very poor representation
00:20:41of our community,
00:20:43you know what I mean?
00:20:44And she'll join
00:20:45the live with him,
00:20:46now she ain't used
00:20:46to nothing,
00:20:47so when she get called
00:20:48and just chose
00:20:49to be on the live
00:20:49with Kevin,
00:20:50her ass acting like
00:20:51she done won some shit,
00:20:53you know,
00:20:53as soon as he let her in,
00:20:54hey, how you doing?
00:20:56Oh my goodness,
00:20:57I can't believe
00:20:57I'm on your live,
00:20:58this is crazy.
00:21:00I be watching you
00:21:02all the time,
00:21:03period.
00:21:06You be talking
00:21:07about them high-value
00:21:08menses and stuff,
00:21:09Kevin,
00:21:09I'm just saying,
00:21:10like,
00:21:11you gotta talk to me,
00:21:12I need you to help me,
00:21:13because I done dated,
00:21:13like,
00:21:14drug dealers
00:21:14and gang bangers
00:21:15and scammers,
00:21:16I'm saying,
00:21:17I don't wanna do that
00:21:18no more,
00:21:18I don't wanna do
00:21:19that no more.
00:21:21I mean,
00:21:22like,
00:21:22you gotta talk to me,
00:21:23like,
00:21:23I'm just saying,
00:21:24like,
00:21:24you gotta show me,
00:21:25like,
00:21:25how I can get,
00:21:26like,
00:21:26a doctor or a lawyer
00:21:27or something like that.
00:21:30So can you help me,
00:21:32please?
00:21:33Kevin already
00:21:34got an attitude.
00:21:43So you want
00:21:44a high-value man?
00:21:47Yes,
00:21:48Kevin,
00:21:48that's what I need.
00:21:49I need somebody
00:21:49who make six figures
00:21:51a better,
00:21:52who gonna handle
00:21:53their business
00:21:53like a man
00:21:54and make me feel
00:21:55secure in a relationship.
00:21:59I wanna feel secure,
00:22:01Kevin.
00:22:02So,
00:22:03Kevin started
00:22:04asking questions.
00:22:05Simple stuff
00:22:06at first.
00:22:07You know,
00:22:09how old are you?
00:22:11I'm 27.
00:22:14Then he started
00:22:15getting more complicated.
00:22:16You know,
00:22:16started asking real questions.
00:22:17You got any kids?
00:22:19You can tell
00:22:19when it's a lot
00:22:20because they don't
00:22:20want to answer that shit.
00:22:22Soon as he asked,
00:22:23you got any kids,
00:22:24here they go,
00:22:24I mean,
00:22:25what the fuck
00:22:25they got to do
00:22:26with anything?
00:22:26I'm saying,
00:22:27damn,
00:22:27it's like,
00:22:28it ain't about them.
00:22:29I thought it was
00:22:30about me and him.
00:22:31What the fuck,
00:22:31Kevin?
00:22:32He got to stop it.
00:22:33Hold on.
00:22:34Wait a minute.
00:22:34Wait a minute.
00:22:34Let me stop you
00:22:35right there,
00:22:36okay?
00:22:37You join
00:22:38my life.
00:22:40All right?
00:22:40Now,
00:22:40you can either
00:22:41answer these questions
00:22:42or I can bid you
00:22:43a good night,
00:22:43okay?
00:22:44Now,
00:22:44the question is,
00:22:45do you have
00:22:46any kids?
00:22:56Yes?
00:22:58Okay.
00:22:59How many children
00:23:00do you have?
00:23:01You was doing
00:23:02a lot tonight.
00:23:05Ma'am,
00:23:06you got one more time
00:23:08and I'ma bid you a due.
00:23:10How many children
00:23:11do you have?
00:23:13Oh.
00:23:18Seventeen.
00:23:19You're like,
00:23:19you got seventeen kids?
00:23:24That's when
00:23:24she get defensive.
00:23:26Yes,
00:23:26I have
00:23:27seventeen blessings.
00:23:32So,
00:23:32you know,
00:23:33the next question,
00:23:33okay,
00:23:34of the seventeen children,
00:23:37how many fathers
00:23:39are there?
00:23:45Seventeen.
00:23:46You're like,
00:23:46yeah.
00:23:48Now,
00:23:49I'm not trying
00:23:49to hurt nobody's
00:23:50feelings in here,
00:23:51okay?
00:23:51If that's your situation,
00:23:53it is what it is.
00:23:54You got seventeen kids
00:23:55by seventeen different men.
00:23:56Let me tell you something.
00:23:57You are no less
00:23:58of a human being
00:23:59than anybody in here
00:24:00and you have the right
00:24:01to like who you want
00:24:03to like,
00:24:03love who you want
00:24:04to love,
00:24:04be with whoever
00:24:05you want to be with.
00:24:07But,
00:24:09you haven't been told
00:24:11let me be the first
00:24:12to inform you.
00:24:13That's some shit
00:24:14you don't qualify for
00:24:15no more.
00:24:17Yeah,
00:24:17that's the truth.
00:24:18There's certain stuff
00:24:19you just don't
00:24:19damn qualify no more.
00:24:21Now,
00:24:21we all get to a point
00:24:22where we don't qualify
00:24:23for certain shit,
00:24:24okay?
00:24:25Now,
00:24:25men,
00:24:26we process that
00:24:27a little bit easier
00:24:27than some women do
00:24:29because we've been told
00:24:30that we don't qualify
00:24:31for certain shit
00:24:32since we was
00:24:32in third grade.
00:24:34Since you was
00:24:35yay high,
00:24:35you've been told,
00:24:36you know the girl
00:24:37at recess told you
00:24:38where you was at
00:24:38on the social scale
00:24:39when she was standing
00:24:40over there by the swings,
00:24:41you wanted to go
00:24:42holla at her.
00:24:42She ain't even let you
00:24:43finish saying
00:24:44what you had to say.
00:24:45As soon as you walk,
00:24:45you're a little nervous
00:24:46ass up there,
00:24:47uh,
00:24:47excuse me.
00:24:48Say,
00:24:48oh,
00:24:48what the fuck
00:24:49are you over here for?
00:24:50Little black ass,
00:24:52big eye boy,
00:24:52what the fuck
00:24:53you want?
00:24:54You standing there.
00:25:03So my application
00:25:04was denied.
00:25:07But we all get
00:25:08to a point
00:25:09where we just don't
00:25:10qualify for certain shit.
00:25:12It is what it is.
00:25:13A lot of times,
00:25:13ladies,
00:25:14we were having trouble
00:25:15with the dating pool
00:25:16because you are fishing
00:25:18in the wrong pond,
00:25:19okay?
00:25:19You aiming at things
00:25:21that you ain't got
00:25:21no business aiming at.
00:25:23You understand what I mean?
00:25:23You want men
00:25:24that your fucking ass
00:25:25don't qualify for?
00:25:27See,
00:25:27it's true.
00:25:28It's called
00:25:29being delusional.
00:25:31Every woman in here,
00:25:32no,
00:25:32I'm not lying
00:25:33because every last
00:25:33one of y'all
00:25:34got at least
00:25:35one delusional-ass friend.
00:25:37And if you can't
00:25:38think of who it is,
00:25:39it's you.
00:25:43You know the one
00:25:44call you
00:25:45at least once a week
00:25:46complaining about
00:25:47these little ragged-ass
00:25:48dudes in D.C.
00:25:49say the same shit
00:25:50every time,
00:25:51keep you on the phone
00:25:52an hour and a half,
00:25:53every damn conversation.
00:25:54I'm so sick of
00:25:55these little ragged-ass
00:25:55dudes up here
00:25:56in Washington.
00:25:57They don't know
00:25:57a good thing
00:25:58when they see
00:25:58a good thing.
00:25:59And this is the line
00:26:00that killed me.
00:26:01What's really wrong
00:26:02with them is
00:26:02they intimidated
00:26:03by a boss bitch.
00:26:10And she just
00:26:11keep going.
00:26:11I'm just saying,
00:26:12I'm going to stop
00:26:13messing with these
00:26:13little regular dudes.
00:26:14I'm going to step
00:26:14my game up.
00:26:15I'm going to give me
00:26:16a doctor or a lawyer,
00:26:17a dentist,
00:26:18a business owner.
00:26:18You don't say shit
00:26:19to bring her ass
00:26:20back to earth.
00:26:22You don't say
00:26:22nothing at all.
00:26:23You just stay
00:26:24on the phone,
00:26:25listening,
00:26:26but you thinking
00:26:26to yourself
00:26:27on the other end.
00:26:28Bitch,
00:26:31you must plan
00:26:32on learning magic
00:26:33first.
00:26:34Because you're going
00:26:35to have to hypnotize
00:26:36them damn men.
00:26:38But since I'm
00:26:39a nice guy,
00:26:40I don't mind
00:26:41painting the picture
00:26:42more clear-er-er.
00:26:45So you can see
00:26:46exactly what the hell
00:26:48I'm talking about.
00:26:49I'm dead damn serious.
00:26:50I wouldn't want you
00:26:50to get a drink of
00:26:51more shit.
00:26:53Trying to entertain
00:26:54y'all.
00:26:55I don't mind.
00:26:58Damn,
00:26:58y'all got dead quiet,
00:27:00boy.
00:27:01We ain't paying
00:27:02to see you drink
00:27:02no motherfucking water.
00:27:08Y'all don't give a shit.
00:27:09Y'all was just laughing.
00:27:24I need her
00:27:25to fuck up,
00:27:26put that water down
00:27:27and shit.
00:27:29Spend my money
00:27:30to see this ad
00:27:31drinking the motherfucking
00:27:32water and drinking
00:27:33and shit.
00:27:34You understand
00:27:35what I'm saying?
00:27:36No,
00:27:36I can make an example.
00:27:38I'm dead serious.
00:27:39Let's say a doctor.
00:27:40A doctor's a good example
00:27:41of a so-called
00:27:42high-value man,
00:27:44isn't it?
00:27:44Yes, it is.
00:27:45Yes, it is.
00:27:46You know what a doctor is?
00:27:47A doctor's somebody
00:27:48who go to school
00:27:49and go to school
00:27:50and go to school
00:27:51some more.
00:27:52And then go to school
00:27:53and go to school
00:27:54and go to school
00:27:55some more.
00:27:56Then they do something
00:27:57called a residency.
00:27:58You know what a residency is?
00:28:00That's them working
00:28:01and guess what else?
00:28:02Going to school.
00:28:03That's right.
00:28:04Then they graduate,
00:28:05get placed at a hospital.
00:28:06Doctors start off
00:28:07making about $350,000
00:28:08a year.
00:28:09That's some decent money
00:28:10no matter where you stay at.
00:28:12That's some decent money
00:28:12right there.
00:28:13But with all this damn
00:28:14going to school,
00:28:15they have accumulated
00:28:16about $150,000 worth
00:28:18of student loan debt.
00:28:19Yeah, that's right.
00:28:21Nonetheless,
00:28:21they're making enough money
00:28:23to make a payment
00:28:23on the student loan debt
00:28:25and turn around
00:28:25and start to build
00:28:26a nice life for themselves,
00:28:28the kind of life
00:28:28that they feel like
00:28:29they deserve.
00:28:30The doctor goes
00:28:31and buys himself a house,
00:28:32not no bullshit house.
00:28:33This is a five,
00:28:34six, seven bedroom house,
00:28:36okay?
00:28:36And it's not
00:28:37in a neighborhood.
00:28:38This shit is in a community.
00:28:41That's right.
00:28:42A gated community
00:28:43where the gates
00:28:44actually shut.
00:28:47Ain't like the bullshit
00:28:48we used to
00:28:49with that stupid ass arm
00:28:50just be coming up.
00:28:55And every weekend
00:28:56the shit look like this.
00:28:59Because somebody done
00:28:59got drunk
00:29:00and ran through
00:29:01the motherfucker.
00:29:02No, you got to
00:29:03drive up to the gate
00:29:04and punch a code in
00:29:05in order for the gates
00:29:06to open up.
00:29:07The first thing you notice
00:29:08when you drive
00:29:08inside the community,
00:29:09you notice that
00:29:10these lawns
00:29:11are not mowed.
00:29:12No, these lawns
00:29:14are manicured.
00:29:15That's right.
00:29:16And nobody in the community
00:29:18owns a lawnmower
00:29:19because they don't need one.
00:29:21They got a contract
00:29:21with another company.
00:29:22They come in here
00:29:23and make this shit
00:29:23look beautiful.
00:29:24You look down the street,
00:29:25ain't nobody parking
00:29:26on the street
00:29:27and ain't no oil stains
00:29:28in nobody's driveway.
00:29:30You go inside
00:29:31the doctor's house.
00:29:32The doctor got nice
00:29:33modern shit,
00:29:34beautiful furniture.
00:29:35One pillow
00:29:35on one couch
00:29:37costs more than
00:29:37all the shit
00:29:38you bought at Ikea.
00:29:40That's right.
00:29:41Even the refrigerator's nice.
00:29:42You ain't got to open it
00:29:43to look in there
00:29:44and see what's in there.
00:29:44Just knock on it
00:29:45and the bitch light up.
00:29:47As a matter of fact,
00:29:48if you slap somebody
00:29:49too hard in the house,
00:29:51the refrigerator
00:29:51will call the police.
00:29:54You understand,
00:29:55what the doctor's doing
00:29:56is surrounding himself
00:29:57with all the nice things
00:29:58that he wants
00:29:59because he has done
00:30:00everything in his power
00:30:01after all the hard work,
00:30:02discipline, sacrifice,
00:30:03determination
00:30:04that it took for him
00:30:05to become a doctor.
00:30:06He did everything
00:30:07that was required of him.
00:30:08Everything plus that
00:30:09and he did it
00:30:10and damn it,
00:30:10he is a doctor
00:30:11so he deserves
00:30:11to reward himself
00:30:12for the rest
00:30:13of his damn life.
00:30:14Now,
00:30:17do you think
00:30:17he gonna go through
00:30:18all of that
00:30:20for you to bring
00:30:2117 goddamn kids
00:30:22in here
00:30:23tearing up shit
00:30:24running around the house
00:30:25writing all over
00:30:25the damn wall,
00:30:26drinking up all the
00:30:27Capri Suns,
00:30:28eating up all the
00:30:28zebra cakes,
00:30:29running up the light bill,
00:30:30the gas bill,
00:30:31the water bill,
00:30:32the shit.
00:30:32You can't tell
00:30:33these kids nothing.
00:30:34As soon as he tell
00:30:34where I'm sitting
00:30:35their ass down
00:30:36was the first thing
00:30:36they say,
00:30:37you ain't my dad.
00:30:38Hell no.
00:30:41Nobody signing up
00:30:42for this shit.
00:30:43And on top of that,
00:30:44you still got to deal
00:30:45with the baby daddies.
00:30:47All 17 of these
00:30:48motherfuckers.
00:30:50That's right.
00:30:50And I found out
00:30:51a secret, lady.
00:30:53Guess how I did.
00:30:55I found out a secret
00:30:56about the baby daddies.
00:30:58Women don't like
00:30:59to talk about
00:31:00or even think about
00:31:02baby daddies.
00:31:03Yep.
00:31:04And I know why that is.
00:31:06Because your child's father
00:31:10represents a period
00:31:12in your life
00:31:13that you want to forget.
00:31:16And I know why that is,
00:31:18ladies.
00:31:20Because you want to know
00:31:21that.
00:31:21Why?
00:31:23Because traditionally
00:31:25when women get married,
00:31:27y'all marry up.
00:31:29That's right.
00:31:30Yeah, you do.
00:31:30When you get married,
00:31:32you're marrying up.
00:31:33But before that,
00:31:35y'all fuck down.
00:31:39Uh-huh.
00:31:39Look your lady in the face.
00:31:40Look her in the face.
00:31:42Look her in the face
00:31:43right now.
00:31:46That's some of y'all
00:31:46in here fucking down
00:31:47right now.
00:31:49You ain't got to tell me
00:31:50I can look out in the crowd.
00:31:51I said,
00:31:51fuck her down,
00:31:51fuck her down,
00:31:52fuck her down,
00:31:52fuck her down,
00:31:53fuck her down.
00:31:53I already see it.
00:31:54Fellas,
00:31:55you ever seen
00:31:55some of these dudes
00:31:56your lady used to talk to
00:31:57before she met
00:31:58your wholesome ass?
00:32:00You be looking at her like,
00:32:01bitch,
00:32:01what was you going through?
00:32:04Where the hell
00:32:04you meet him at
00:32:05at the dumpster
00:32:06behind the Goodwill?
00:32:07He looked like
00:32:08some shit somebody
00:32:09threw away twice.
00:32:11And what they always say,
00:32:13he didn't always
00:32:14look like that.
00:32:17I said,
00:32:17you a damn lie.
00:32:19I done scrolled
00:32:20all the way down
00:32:22to his first
00:32:23Facebook picture.
00:32:25That's him
00:32:26in seventh grade.
00:32:29Wasn't shit then
00:32:30and he ain't shit now.
00:32:32He got the same
00:32:33outfit on right now.
00:32:36And what's
00:32:37the baby daddy drive?
00:32:38The old baby daddy
00:32:39mobile,
00:32:39box Chevy,
00:32:40ragged ass,
00:32:41Buick,
00:32:41some bullshit.
00:32:42Damn car,
00:32:43need all kind
00:32:44of work on it.
00:32:45You need a new
00:32:45alternator,
00:32:46radiator,
00:32:46any kind of
00:32:47you can think of.
00:32:48He need another one.
00:32:50And he don't
00:32:50put a damn dime
00:32:51in the engine.
00:32:52What'd he do?
00:32:52Go buy rims
00:32:53and speakers
00:32:54and shit
00:32:56so you can
00:32:57hit his stupid ass
00:32:58eight blocks away.
00:32:59Now you've been
00:33:00at this damn
00:33:01hospital working
00:33:0112 hours straight,
00:33:02working your ass off.
00:33:04You come home,
00:33:05make yourself a sandwich
00:33:06so you get ready
00:33:06to go to bed.
00:33:07All of a sudden,
00:33:08you hear this bullshit.
00:33:17What the fuck is that?
00:33:19You figure out
00:33:20it's him.
00:33:20Now you got to tell
00:33:21the kids,
00:33:21hey,
00:33:21y'all go outside
00:33:22and wait on your daddy.
00:33:23Go on the porch.
00:33:25He's talking about
00:33:25daddy ain't outside.
00:33:26I know he down
00:33:27the damn street.
00:33:30You don't hear
00:33:30that shit?
00:33:31That's your punk ass
00:33:32dad.
00:33:33Now which one of y'all
00:33:34gave him the code
00:33:35to the game?
00:33:41I see some of y'all
00:33:42looking at me crazy
00:33:43because I'm talking
00:33:44about your punk ass
00:33:45baby daddy.
00:33:48Y'all can be outside.
00:33:49I ain't think
00:33:50you're the damn funny
00:33:50to be honest, man.
00:33:52Me neither, man.
00:33:53They're gonna get out of here.
00:34:00I don't give a damn.
00:34:02Them's the same one.
00:34:04You know what I mean?
00:34:05Pull up next to you
00:34:06at the light
00:34:07while you're trying
00:34:08to enjoy your gospel music.
00:34:12Old school gospel.
00:34:13Mahalia Jackson.
00:34:14You know what I mean?
00:34:15Old school.
00:34:15It's nostalgia.
00:34:16Remind you of childhood.
00:34:17You ain't just like Mahalia.
00:34:18You ain't heard Mahalia
00:34:19since you was a child
00:34:20since Big Mama was alive.
00:34:22You turn that up,
00:34:23you get a little excited.
00:34:24You know what I mean?
00:34:24She can't even get
00:34:25two lines out.
00:34:26See?
00:34:27Precious Lord,
00:34:29take my
00:34:30call.
00:34:42This motherfucker.
00:34:45I'm the same one
00:34:46who gets saved
00:34:46later in life.
00:34:48Ain't judging nobody.
00:34:49We all don't find Jesus
00:34:50at the same time.
00:34:51All right?
00:34:51It's really his parents' fault.
00:34:53Let the boy sell dope
00:34:54when he was 15.
00:34:55Now he went and got
00:34:56his ass locked up.
00:34:56He back out on the street
00:34:5725, 26,
00:34:58and he's doing better,
00:35:00okay?
00:35:00He found the Lord
00:35:01while he was in penitentiary.
00:35:02He found Jesus
00:35:03because that's where
00:35:03Jesus lived.
00:35:06Don't tell me
00:35:07you don't live there.
00:35:07Everybody who get locked up
00:35:09as soon as they come out,
00:35:09you know I found the Lord
00:35:11while I was in penitentiary.
00:35:14He's standing there
00:35:14like we was trying
00:35:15to tell you about him
00:35:16out here, Terrence.
00:35:24You didn't have to go
00:35:25in there to find him.
00:35:26We was trying to tell you
00:35:26about him out here.
00:35:28We had a book for you
00:35:29to read and everything.
00:35:32All you had to do
00:35:33was read all the red words
00:35:34and you'd have figured
00:35:35everything out.
00:35:37It was right there
00:35:37on Grandmama's coffee table
00:35:39we were trying to tell you.
00:35:43Nonetheless,
00:35:44they're trying to get
00:35:45his life together,
00:35:46getting his stuff together,
00:35:46he's out going back to church,
00:35:49joining church
00:35:49and that's good
00:35:50except he didn't grow up
00:35:51in church
00:35:52so he don't understand
00:35:53the unwritten church rules.
00:35:54There's unwritten rules
00:35:56about going to church.
00:35:57One of the unwritten rules
00:35:58is when you turn
00:36:00into the church parking lot,
00:36:01turn that gangster shit off.
00:36:05That's right,
00:36:05you play whatever you want
00:36:06to play on that damn street.
00:36:07You turn that church parking lot,
00:36:09cut that shit off.
00:36:11So he don't know that
00:36:12because that's not written down
00:36:14in the new Christian pamphlet.
00:36:16You don't know that shit.
00:36:17First of all,
00:36:18he ain't got the time together yet.
00:36:19He's showing up late as hell.
00:36:21You know what I mean?
00:36:21He's putting in that altar call.
00:36:23This shit almost open.
00:36:25Everybody's standing in front
00:36:26holding hands.
00:36:27The pastor can't even
00:36:28get the prayer out good.
00:36:29He two, three lines in.
00:36:31He just got into
00:36:32the rhythm of the shit.
00:36:33Heavenly Father,
00:36:33we come to you
00:36:34as humble as we know how,
00:36:35simply asking.
00:36:51Deacon Witherspoon,
00:36:52go out there and tell Terrence
00:36:53to turn that shit off.
00:36:58I'm in here trying to pray.
00:37:04I know I've been messing
00:37:06with the ladies for a minute.
00:37:07Ladies, let me tell you something.
00:37:08I'm not trying to pick on you,
00:37:10okay?
00:37:11I know no matter how hard
00:37:12the dating pool is,
00:37:14for men,
00:37:15it's ten times harder for women.
00:37:16I know that.
00:37:17That's true.
00:37:18That's very true.
00:37:19No matter what men go through,
00:37:20it's ten times harder
00:37:21for women.
00:37:22You know what I mean?
00:37:22And you know what I did not know?
00:37:27I did not know that
00:37:29in today's time still
00:37:30that the women,
00:37:31y'all still getting caught
00:37:33with down low brothers.
00:37:34I did not know that.
00:37:35Like, I don't understand
00:37:36ten, twenty years from now.
00:37:38Like, you know what I mean?
00:37:39Years ago,
00:37:39I understand back then,
00:37:40but not now.
00:37:41In today's time.
00:37:43You know,
00:37:43because everybody out the closet.
00:37:44Ain't no such thing
00:37:44in the closet no more.
00:37:45Everybody is the fuck
00:37:46out the closet.
00:37:48Somebody threw a Molotov cocktail
00:37:50in that goddamn closet.
00:37:51They got the fuck out of there.
00:37:52And that's fine.
00:37:53That's fine.
00:37:57Like, that's fine.
00:37:58Ain't nothing wrong with that.
00:37:59Live how you want to live.
00:38:00Be how you want to be.
00:38:01Fellas, let me tell you something.
00:38:02Don't be out here
00:38:02lying to these women.
00:38:03Don't tell them
00:38:04that you're about something
00:38:05and you're really
00:38:05about something else.
00:38:06Okay?
00:38:07Ladies and I know
00:38:08that it's scary
00:38:09and it's hurtful.
00:38:10You be dating a guy
00:38:10two, three years
00:38:11coming to find out
00:38:12he only messing with you
00:38:13to get to your brother.
00:38:18Struck a nerve.
00:38:23It's okay.
00:38:24It's okay, ladies.
00:38:26Consider yourselves lucky
00:38:27because I'm here.
00:38:30Yes.
00:38:31And I mess around
00:38:32and found a clue
00:38:33to let you know
00:38:35whether you're dealing
00:38:36with a download brother
00:38:37or not.
00:38:38Look at the women
00:38:39paying attention
00:38:40until I call it that.
00:38:43I heard somebody say
00:38:44good, shut up.
00:38:50He's gotten to
00:38:50the educational part
00:38:51of the show.
00:38:53Yes.
00:38:54Mess around
00:38:54and found a clue
00:38:55to let you know
00:38:56whether you did it
00:38:57with a download brother
00:38:58or not.
00:38:58Now, that's probably
00:38:59something you've been seeing
00:39:00all your life
00:39:00and didn't even realize
00:39:01that you were looking
00:39:02at a damn clue.
00:39:03Okay?
00:39:04Now, I'm forewarning you.
00:39:05When I tell you what it is,
00:39:06every last one of y'all
00:39:07gonna look at me
00:39:08like I'm crazy as hell.
00:39:09Soon as I say
00:39:10what it is,
00:39:11all y'all gonna be like,
00:39:12what?
00:39:13And then I'm gonna show you
00:39:16and you gonna see
00:39:17just what the fuck
00:39:17I'm talking about.
00:39:20Here's the clue.
00:39:26Here it is.
00:39:29If you see
00:39:30your man's
00:39:32bottom row of teeth
00:39:33too much,
00:39:48look at your face.
00:39:49Look at you.
00:39:50Look at your face.
00:39:51Are y'all looking at me
00:39:51like I'm crazy?
00:39:52I said that was gonna happen.
00:39:53All right?
00:39:54Ladies, pay attention.
00:39:55This is your opportunity
00:39:56to pay attention
00:39:57and learn some shit.
00:39:58Okay?
00:39:58I know
00:39:59we can talk to your man
00:40:00like look your man in the eyes.
00:40:02They say the eyes
00:40:02are the window to the soul.
00:40:03Let me tell you something.
00:40:04Fuck her eye.
00:40:08Look in your man's mouth.
00:40:10Pay attention
00:40:11to how he is pronouncing
00:40:13and enunciating
00:40:14his damn words.
00:40:15All right?
00:40:15Watch for the bottom row.
00:40:17That's all you gotta do.
00:40:18It's all in there.
00:40:18You don't even need
00:40:19to be having
00:40:19a full-blown conversation
00:40:21with your man.
00:40:22He could be sitting
00:40:22in the living room,
00:40:23watching TV,
00:40:24minding his own damn business.
00:40:25You just walk in the room,
00:40:26ask your man
00:40:27a simple-ass question
00:40:29and watch his mouth
00:40:30when he answers the shit.
00:40:31Just walk in the room
00:40:32and say,
00:40:33baby,
00:40:33what time did you say
00:40:34you was going to the gym?
00:40:35That motherfucker
00:40:36look at you and go,
00:40:37bye, see?
00:40:38Bye, see?
00:40:39Bye, see?
00:40:41Bye, see?
00:40:41Bye, see?
00:40:42Bye, see?
00:40:54Uh-huh.
00:40:56Yeah, I feel some
00:40:56life-changing energy
00:40:57moving around
00:40:59in this place.
00:41:02Now for the rest of the night,
00:41:03it's going to be women in here
00:41:04trying to sneak
00:41:05and look at they man's mouth
00:41:06and shit.
00:41:08Try to act like you was eating.
00:41:11He going to get all defensive
00:41:12and don't be looking
00:41:13at my goddamn mouth.
00:41:15He ain't never seen
00:41:16my bottom of the teeth
00:41:17don't start, that shit.
00:41:19Better look up there.
00:41:20The joke's up there.
00:41:22I'm saying,
00:41:23I ain't with the fuck shit,
00:41:24all right?
00:41:25I'm a grown-ass man.
00:41:26I got a washer
00:41:27and a dryer.
00:41:28You know what I'm saying?
00:41:34Y'all silly as hell.
00:41:36I'm telling you,
00:41:37I appreciate every last one
00:41:39of y'all for being here.
00:41:40I have to say that,
00:41:41okay?
00:41:42Y'all could have been anywhere
00:41:43but decide to be here with me
00:41:44and I appreciate that.
00:41:46And because of that,
00:41:47yeah, thank you.
00:41:49Yeah.
00:41:50Thank you very much.
00:41:55No, man.
00:41:56Y'all, because y'all support me,
00:41:57I decide that every show I do,
00:41:59I have to make a promise
00:42:00to each and every last one of y'all.
00:42:01Okay?
00:42:02It's something.
00:42:03I don't do it on the internet.
00:42:04I got to do it
00:42:04while you're looking at me
00:42:05in person, face to face.
00:42:07I have to promise you
00:42:07because y'all support me.
00:42:09So I'm not saying if,
00:42:10I'm saying when.
00:42:11I really blow up
00:42:12and become the star
00:42:13that y'all want me to be.
00:42:16I promise y'all,
00:42:18hold me to this.
00:42:18I promise you,
00:42:19when I get there,
00:42:20I promise y'all
00:42:23I'm not messing
00:42:23with none of them
00:42:24Kardashian bitches.
00:42:25You hear me?
00:42:36Look at the system.
00:42:41Now, I don't have
00:42:42nothing personal
00:42:43against none of them girls,
00:42:44but is it me?
00:42:45Do they ruin every man
00:42:47they come close to?
00:42:48I know I ain't the only one
00:42:50who see this shit.
00:42:51They seem like
00:42:51they would take a guy
00:42:52who's doing well
00:42:53for himself in life.
00:42:54You know what I mean?
00:42:55Bring him into the fold,
00:42:56hold him for about six months,
00:42:57and by the time
00:42:58they let him back out
00:42:59in the street,
00:43:00he coming out.
00:43:01Fucked up.
00:43:03Let's just,
00:43:04you don't believe me.
00:43:05Let's go down the list.
00:43:07Lamar Oldham,
00:43:07you remember him?
00:43:08Yeah.
00:43:08Yeah, I figured you would.
00:43:11Wasn't shit
00:43:12wrong with Lamar.
00:43:14Nothing at all.
00:43:15Six foot nine,
00:43:16healthy as hell,
00:43:17number one six man
00:43:18in the NBA.
00:43:19He was Laker,
00:43:20making plenty of money.
00:43:21We ain't hear about Lamar
00:43:22getting in no kind
00:43:23of damn trouble.
00:43:23Messed around
00:43:24and got with one
00:43:25of them hells.
00:43:26This motherfucker
00:43:27started smoking crack,
00:43:30and I'm like,
00:43:31wait a damn minute.
00:43:33Crack was in style
00:43:34in 83.
00:43:37Who the fuck
00:43:38sold you crack?
00:43:40Somebody with a starter jacket on
00:43:43and some L.A. gear light-ups?
00:43:44Who the fuck
00:43:45sold you crack?
00:43:47And I'm like,
00:43:48you're not even gonna start
00:43:49with none of the starter drugs,
00:43:51you know what I mean?
00:43:51You ain't gonna mess
00:43:51with none of that,
00:43:52none of the fun shit.
00:43:53You ain't gonna smoke no weed
00:43:54or be no alcoholic.
00:43:56You just go,
00:43:56nothing,
00:43:57crack.
00:43:58Like, who the fuck?
00:44:01See how much space
00:44:02is between nothing
00:44:03and crack?
00:44:04That's a big-ass jump.
00:44:05Because I remember
00:44:06I was at the house,
00:44:07I'm watching TV,
00:44:08the shit came across
00:44:09the bottom of the screen
00:44:10and said,
00:44:10Lamar Oldham was being
00:44:11rushed to the hospital
00:44:12because he was in Las Vegas
00:44:14at a whole house
00:44:15doing drugs
00:44:16and having sex
00:44:17with prostitutes
00:44:18until he slipped
00:44:20into a coma.
00:44:23Now,
00:44:25the part about him
00:44:26doing drugs
00:44:27and having sex
00:44:27with prostitutes
00:44:28is not where
00:44:29I had my issue.
00:44:30I'm serious
00:44:31because I know
00:44:31for some of y'all
00:44:32that's just a good weekend.
00:44:36My issue came in
00:44:38when they said
00:44:38on the news
00:44:39he was paying the women
00:44:40$75,000 and $80,000
00:44:42for sex.
00:44:44Look at the women,
00:44:45$75,000, $80,000.
00:44:48You mean to tell me
00:44:49I'm sitting on $80,000
00:44:50in this motherfucker?
00:44:54Look,
00:44:54they looking at each other,
00:44:55girl,
00:44:55we got to get to Vegas.
00:44:56You hear what the fuck
00:44:56he just said?
00:44:58We got to get the fuck
00:44:59out of here.
00:45:02I'm telling you, fellas,
00:45:03who's watching these ladies,
00:45:04every woman in here,
00:45:05since I said $80,000,
00:45:07all of them in here
00:45:07doing math in their head.
00:45:09Every last one of them.
00:45:10I know you counting
00:45:11because your eyes
00:45:12doing this shit.
00:45:14They calculated that.
00:45:15Hold on.
00:45:15All I got to do
00:45:16is fuck seven people.
00:45:19Yeah,
00:45:21all I need
00:45:21is seven goddamn people.
00:45:22I can pay off
00:45:23these student loans,
00:45:25pay off the house,
00:45:26come back to D.C.
00:45:28and open up
00:45:28a Chick-fil-A.
00:45:29Shit, I can...
00:45:31I can get my goddamn
00:45:32life together
00:45:32in one weekend.
00:45:36Shit, $80,000.
00:45:37How you do $80,000 worth
00:45:39of fucking in a weekend?
00:45:40No wonder he was in a coma.
00:45:43I can tell you,
00:45:44you can add up
00:45:44all the sex
00:45:45I've had in my entire life.
00:45:47It ain't coming up
00:45:48to $80,000.
00:45:50I ain't gonna bullshit.
00:45:51Shit ain't coming up
00:45:52to $10,000.
00:45:55You add up
00:45:56all the hotel rooms,
00:45:57condoms,
00:45:57and Plan B pills,
00:45:59and them pills
00:46:00is $40 a pop.
00:46:01I can tell you that now.
00:46:02No, I did the math.
00:46:04I know where I'm at.
00:46:07I...
00:46:08Okay.
00:46:11I have done.
00:46:13If you add up
00:46:14all my sex,
00:46:15I have done
00:46:16about $3,500
00:46:18worth of fucking.
00:46:21That's where I'm at.
00:46:22I can be...
00:46:23$3,500 worth of fucking.
00:46:25That's it.
00:46:26That's it.
00:46:26No, I'm just saying
00:46:27$7,500...
00:46:28That is a lot, ma'am.
00:46:30That dog...
00:46:30Right, you.
00:46:31That is a lot.
00:46:31Look at me.
00:46:32I want you...
00:46:32I'm gonna tell you something.
00:46:33I'm gonna tell you
00:46:34this shit to you.
00:46:35All right?
00:46:36And look at me.
00:46:36Don't look at nobody else.
00:46:37You look at anybody else,
00:46:38I'm gonna burn
00:46:38this motherfucker down.
00:46:42Dead serious.
00:46:42You tell you something.
00:46:43I give you $8,000
00:46:44to have sex with me.
00:46:46And I slip into a coma.
00:46:51Damn it,
00:46:51when I wake up,
00:46:52your ass better be there.
00:46:56He shit.
00:46:57You better...
00:47:00be there.
00:47:01I better see you
00:47:02before I see the doctor.
00:47:04No, they say
00:47:05he woke up in the hospital.
00:47:06The first person he saw
00:47:07was his wife.
00:47:08And he looked up at her
00:47:09and said,
00:47:10hey, baby.
00:47:11Shit.
00:47:13Not me.
00:47:13Not after spending
00:47:14that kind of money.
00:47:15I'd look at my wife
00:47:16dead in the face
00:47:16and say,
00:47:16hey, baby,
00:47:17where them hoes at?
00:47:20No, I'm saying,
00:47:21I gave them $80,000.
00:47:22They need to be in here
00:47:22with your ass.
00:47:23Where the fuck they at?
00:47:24Y'all would've seen me
00:47:25on TV in my hospital gown
00:47:27walking down
00:47:28the Las Vegas Strip
00:47:29going right back
00:47:30to that whole house.
00:47:31I'm either getting me
00:47:32some pussy
00:47:32or a reefer.
00:47:35I'd have had the IV drip
00:47:36behind me
00:47:36and everything.
00:47:42Now, where the hell
00:47:43y'all think y'all going?
00:47:45Stacy, Candid, Mercedes,
00:47:47bring y'all ass back in here.
00:47:49The hell y'all think this is?
00:47:51I know I got a catheter in,
00:47:52but we gonna finish this shit.
00:47:53Come on in here.
00:47:54All I'm saying
00:47:55is them Kardashians
00:47:56are dangerous.
00:47:57And who else did they get?
00:47:58Bruce?
00:48:01Mm-hmm.
00:48:02Katelyn, Bruce,
00:48:03they got his ass.
00:48:05They got him good, didn't they?
00:48:06Yes, Lord.
00:48:07Flipped his ass
00:48:08inside out.
00:48:10Yes, they did
00:48:11because he was messing
00:48:11with the mama.
00:48:12He was with the main vampire.
00:48:16He was fucking with the queen.
00:48:18Nobody gets past the queen.
00:48:20You understand?
00:48:21I see the rest of them girls,
00:48:22they good,
00:48:23but they amateurs.
00:48:24They ain't shit compared
00:48:25to that barber.
00:48:25You understand?
00:48:26Them daughters,
00:48:26they good,
00:48:27but they just amateurs.
00:48:28They get their boyfriend
00:48:28locked up,
00:48:29hooked on drugs,
00:48:30caught up in little scandals
00:48:31and shit.
00:48:31That mama said,
00:48:32watch what I do
00:48:33to your stepdaddy.
00:48:34Watch this shit here.
00:48:39Turned Bruce's ass
00:48:40into a whole woman.
00:48:46Bruce didn't walk around
00:48:47right now
00:48:48looking like
00:48:48a six-foot-two golden girl.
00:48:53I saw him on TV
00:48:54the other day.
00:48:54I said,
00:48:55that motherfucker
00:48:55looked just like Blanche.
00:49:08I don't give a damn.
00:49:09They can't cancel me
00:49:09because I ain't in yet.
00:49:12Fuck off.
00:49:13They ain't gonna cancel me.
00:49:14All you can do
00:49:14is take down
00:49:15my Instagram page
00:49:16until I gotta do
00:49:16and make another one.
00:49:19You're canceling.
00:49:19Bitch,
00:49:20I'm back.
00:49:20What's up?
00:49:25And they got our boy, too.
00:49:27Kanye.
00:49:28Yeah,
00:49:28they got him.
00:49:29Yeah.
00:49:30Yes, they got him.
00:49:30I knew somebody
00:49:31was gonna get him.
00:49:32I didn't know
00:49:32it was gonna be there,
00:49:33but I knew somebody
00:49:34was gonna get him
00:49:35because he pissed off
00:49:36a bunch of people
00:49:37a long time ago.
00:49:38He did one thing,
00:49:38pissed off a whole bunch
00:49:39of people
00:49:39at the same damn time.
00:49:41And y'all know
00:49:41exactly what I'm talking about.
00:49:42Remember that MTV Awards
00:49:44ran up on a little white girl?
00:49:45What's her name?
00:49:46Taylor Traylor.
00:49:46You know what I'm talking about?
00:49:48Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:49:50She was trying to get
00:49:51her first little MTV award
00:49:52and he was drunk as hell,
00:49:54ran up there
00:49:54and snatched the microphone
00:49:55and was like,
00:49:56wait a minute.
00:49:59I'm just having Beyonce
00:50:00have one of the greatest videos
00:50:02of all time.
00:50:04I said then,
00:50:05he knew just who
00:50:06to do that shit to.
00:50:08A little timid,
00:50:08quiet white girl.
00:50:09And it really ain't got
00:50:10nothing to do
00:50:10with her being white
00:50:11because we all know
00:50:12pink would have
00:50:13beat his ass up that.
00:50:16But in my mind,
00:50:18I'm saying,
00:50:18let me see you
00:50:19try that shit
00:50:19on the sister.
00:50:20Yeah, run your ass
00:50:21up on Patti LaBelle
00:50:22and see what the fuck happened.
00:50:24The whoop the dog shit out.
00:50:26Or not even
00:50:27the old singer like that.
00:50:28You know what I mean?
00:50:29Somebody new.
00:50:30Just a regular ass
00:50:31Shakima Jackson.
00:50:33Just a brand new
00:50:34somebody in the industry.
00:50:35You know, Shakima,
00:50:36fresh out the project.
00:50:37She ain't never been
00:50:38no damn where.
00:50:38All she know how to do
00:50:39is sing.
00:50:40You know,
00:50:41she happened to just
00:50:41be at the damn world.
00:50:42She ain't expecting
00:50:43to win nothing.
00:50:44They mess around
00:50:45and announce video
00:50:45of the year
00:50:46and they call her name
00:50:47and shock the hell
00:50:48out of her.
00:50:48Matter of fact,
00:50:49even the person
00:50:50reading the damn
00:50:50ballot gets,
00:50:52he's shocked.
00:50:53You know what I mean?
00:50:54They come up,
00:50:54and now for video
00:50:56of the year.
00:50:58Oh shit.
00:51:01Fuck out my face
00:51:03by Shakima Jackson.
00:51:05Now,
00:51:06I don't know
00:51:06if you've ever seen
00:51:08somebody from
00:51:09a disenfranchised area
00:51:12unexpectedly win
00:51:13some shit,
00:51:13but it is a beautiful
00:51:15sight to see.
00:51:16As soon as he'd
00:51:16heard her name,
00:51:17all you would've seen,
00:51:18oh my gosh,
00:51:20a bitch got an award.
00:51:22Told you I could sing,
00:51:23Told you I could sing,
00:51:25bitch.
00:51:27She gonna run up there
00:51:28to get the damn award.
00:51:29Here come Kanye
00:51:30with the bullshit.
00:51:32Wait a minute
00:51:33until it came out.
00:51:34I'm just saying
00:51:35Beyonce had one
00:51:37of the greatest video
00:51:38of all time.
00:51:40Let me tell you
00:51:40what's getting ready
00:51:41to happen.
00:51:42She came out
00:51:43getting ready
00:51:43to lose her damn mind
00:51:44on national TV.
00:51:46She gonna forget
00:51:46that her ass
00:51:47is even on TV.
00:51:48You understand?
00:51:49All you gonna see
00:51:50is this.
00:51:51I know
00:51:53motherfucking well.
00:51:54You ain't just
00:51:55running your little
00:51:55ugly ass up here
00:51:56talking about
00:51:56a goddamn Beyonce.
00:51:57Your little stankin' ass
00:51:58wasn't even nominated
00:51:58for this damn award.
00:51:59You come running
00:52:00the building
00:52:00with that little
00:52:00fucked up ass haircut
00:52:01and that raggedy
00:52:02half who's been
00:52:03taking half of your shit
00:52:04in about six months.
00:52:05Talking about
00:52:05Jesus walk.
00:52:06Jesus need to walk
00:52:06you back to your seat
00:52:07if you mess around
00:52:08to get your damn job, bro.
00:52:09I don't know
00:52:10who the hell
00:52:10you think you playing with
00:52:11but my name is
00:52:12your female
00:52:13motherfucking Jackson, bitch.
00:52:18And I beat your ass.
00:52:20You understand?
00:52:20Matter of fact,
00:52:21that you won't talk
00:52:22about Beyonce.
00:52:22How about this?
00:52:23Fuck you.
00:52:23Fuck Beyonce.
00:52:24Fuck Jay-Z.
00:52:25MTV.
00:52:25These little ragged-ass
00:52:26cameras and the damn
00:52:27red car.
00:52:28Fuck the damn limo driver
00:52:29driving your ass out here
00:52:30and the plane driver
00:52:30flying your ass out here.
00:52:31Fuck whatever you was
00:52:32drinking to make
00:52:32a little stupid ass
00:52:33come up here.
00:52:33You thought that was
00:52:34a good goddamn idea.
00:52:34Now you see,
00:52:35it wasn't.
00:52:36Now sit your ass down
00:52:38before you get cussed out.
00:52:52And let me say
00:52:53my accepted speech.
00:52:55Then would've went
00:52:56right into a speech
00:52:57like this.
00:52:58First and foremost,
00:52:59I want to thank God
00:53:02who is the head
00:53:03of my life.
00:53:05Just want to say
00:53:06through Christ Jesus,
00:53:07all things are possible.
00:53:09You know that's just
00:53:10like a woman
00:53:11to cuss your ass out
00:53:12and go right back
00:53:12to religion
00:53:13like ain't a damn
00:53:14thing happening.
00:53:14Y'all get that shit
00:53:15from your mama.
00:53:17You ever been getting
00:53:17cussed out by your mama
00:53:18and all of a sudden
00:53:19the phone rings and shit?
00:53:20She be in the house
00:53:21raising hell?
00:53:22Get y'all ass back in there
00:53:23and clean that shit up.
00:53:24I told y'all
00:53:24when I left
00:53:25I wanted this shit
00:53:25picked up.
00:53:26But y'all gonna keep
00:53:27fucking with me.
00:53:29And I'm gonna break
00:53:30every ass in this
00:53:31damn house.
00:53:32Praise the Lord.
00:53:45Hey, Pastor Jackson,
00:53:46how you doing?
00:53:48I'm nothing.
00:53:49I'm just in here
00:53:49with my babies.
00:53:53I ain't lying.
00:53:54My mama was crazy as hell.
00:53:55I got in trouble
00:53:56at school one day
00:53:57for cussing.
00:53:58My mama walked
00:53:59right into the
00:54:00principal's office
00:54:00looking me dead
00:54:01in the face
00:54:01and saying,
00:54:02who the fuck
00:54:03taught your ass
00:54:04how to cuss?
00:54:07I acted just as
00:54:09delusional as she was acting.
00:54:11I don't know.
00:54:14Certainly not you, mother.
00:54:25Everybody's talking
00:54:26about this election
00:54:29coming up.
00:54:31Yeah, everybody's
00:54:32talking about it.
00:54:34Who you voting for?
00:54:35You ain't got no choice.
00:54:36It's gonna come down
00:54:38to the same two.
00:54:42Your choice is either
00:54:43you gonna vote
00:54:44for a crazy-ass white man
00:54:46or a crazy-ass white man
00:54:47or a crazy-ass white man.
00:54:49That's all you got.
00:54:50That's all you got.
00:54:53God damn,
00:54:54we tolerate Joe Biden.
00:54:55You know,
00:54:55one of the biggest
00:54:56misunderstandings
00:54:57or misconceptions
00:54:57about black people,
00:54:58people think
00:54:59that people that ain't black
00:55:00think black people
00:55:01crazy about Joe Biden.
00:55:03No the hell we ain't.
00:55:04No, we not.
00:55:05They think we dead
00:55:05in love with Joe.
00:55:06No the fuck we not.
00:55:08No, we ain't black.
00:55:09Let me tell you something.
00:55:10Black people are not crazy
00:55:11about Joe Biden.
00:55:12We were just picking
00:55:14the other one.
00:55:17That's all we was doing.
00:55:19And we had anxiety
00:55:20like a motherfucker
00:55:21in that booboo.
00:55:22You walk in there.
00:55:30Ha!
00:55:35Ha!
00:55:36Ha!
00:55:37Lord, let this work out.
00:55:38Jesus!
00:55:44Yeah, yeah, man.
00:55:45It's hard, man.
00:55:46Shit.
00:55:47Cause you know
00:55:47goddamn Joe,
00:55:49he's senile as hell.
00:55:51Yes, he is.
00:55:52And don't act like he not.
00:55:53Joe is senile
00:55:54and it's cause he's old.
00:55:56How old is Joe?
00:55:57About two, three hundred?
00:56:00Yes.
00:56:01You know you old
00:56:02when you older
00:56:02than Bob Barker.
00:56:03You an old motherfucker.
00:56:06This how old,
00:56:07like people don't even
00:56:07think about stuff.
00:56:08This how old Joe is.
00:56:10We ain't never seen
00:56:11no baby pictures
00:56:12of Joe.
00:56:16Like, I don't,
00:56:17you know,
00:56:18at this point,
00:56:18I don't even care
00:56:19about a baby picture.
00:56:20I'll settle
00:56:21for a high school picture.
00:56:23It could be senior year.
00:56:26Like, you ain't got,
00:56:27you ain't got one of them.
00:56:28How the fuck
00:56:28you ain't got one of these?
00:56:33You don't have no
00:56:34Olin Mills?
00:56:40Olin Mills got pictures
00:56:42of all of us.
00:56:44They could do a documentary
00:56:45on anybody in here.
00:56:50Oh, man,
00:56:51Joe's seen Alice Hill
00:56:52and we,
00:56:52we been through that.
00:56:53We knew Joe was crazy
00:56:54when Obama was in office.
00:56:56Yes, we did
00:56:57because didn't they always
00:56:58catch Joe cussing
00:56:59in the mic?
00:57:01Always caught him
00:57:01saying the wrong shit.
00:57:03One prime example
00:57:04is when they passed
00:57:06the Affordable Health Care Act
00:57:07and Obama was standing
00:57:09on stage,
00:57:10had his blue suit on,
00:57:11his red tie.
00:57:11It was a bunch
00:57:12of people in the room.
00:57:13Everybody was clapping
00:57:14and stuff and cheering
00:57:15because they finally
00:57:15got something passed.
00:57:16And Joe walked up
00:57:18on stage,
00:57:19hugged Obama,
00:57:20then walked right up
00:57:20to the podium.
00:57:21This a big motherfucking
00:57:22deal, ain't it?
00:57:35Obama was standing
00:57:36up there like,
00:57:37I know I told y'all
00:57:38to keep him
00:57:38by the fruit table.
00:57:40Y'all just got
00:57:41y'all asses fired.
00:57:42I hope y'all know
00:57:43that shit.
00:57:46Now, the only thing
00:57:47that killed me
00:57:47about Joe is,
00:57:48Joe does well
00:57:49as long as he's
00:57:51reading something
00:57:52somebody else wrote.
00:57:53As long as he's reading
00:57:54the teleprompter,
00:57:55he's doing good
00:57:56because he does
00:57:57well with that.
00:57:58You know what I mean?
00:57:58Joe had you
00:57:59in the palm of his hand.
00:58:00It's just that
00:58:00when he gets confident
00:58:02and starts jumping
00:58:03off the script,
00:58:05that's when he jeopardized
00:58:06the whole damn operation.
00:58:09But he does well
00:58:10when he's reading.
00:58:11Now, Joe would be like,
00:58:12I'll tell you something,
00:58:13a vote for me
00:58:15is a vote to move
00:58:16America in the right
00:58:17direction where each
00:58:18and every American
00:58:19citizen would have
00:58:20an opportunity
00:58:21at better education
00:58:22for the children,
00:58:23better health care
00:58:24for the family,
00:58:25and an all-around
00:58:26better America
00:58:27for tomorrow.
00:58:28I want you
00:58:29to vote for me.
00:58:31I'm Joe Biden.
00:58:34Plus, I got all the bitches.
00:58:36I don't understand
00:58:36what the fuck.
00:58:38The problem is,
00:58:39Trump ain't got no hoes.
00:58:40Nigga!
00:58:42Fuck out of here.
00:58:43Matter of fact,
00:58:44you don't vote for me,
00:58:45you ain't black.
00:58:50Remember he said that?
00:58:51You was standing
00:58:52in the living room.
00:59:01I don't know what
00:59:01to do with this information.
00:59:05Your other choice
00:59:06is Trump.
00:59:08Yeah, I mean,
00:59:09I think you'd ask
00:59:10another choice.
00:59:11They got this motherfucker
00:59:11on trial like Snoop Dogg
00:59:13and shit.
00:59:15They done figured out
00:59:1611,320 million
00:59:18billion charges
00:59:19they done trying.
00:59:20They charged this nigga
00:59:21for shit he did
00:59:21in 1975.
00:59:23They be like,
00:59:24you skipped school
00:59:24in 73,
00:59:25I promise you.
00:59:26We gonna hang you high
00:59:27and stretch you wide
00:59:28for that shit.
00:59:29And he don't give a damn.
00:59:31This motherfucker
00:59:31coming to court
00:59:31when he want to,
00:59:34talking shit
00:59:34to the judge.
00:59:35I don't give a damn.
00:59:36I'm not gonna be
00:59:37intimidated
00:59:45because I'll tell jokes
00:59:46about Joe
00:59:47and, you know,
00:59:48people come to me
00:59:48after the show
00:59:49and shit.
00:59:49I tell jokes
00:59:50about Joe Biden.
00:59:51Everybody come and say,
00:59:52what the fuck,
00:59:52you a Trump supporter,
00:59:53motherfucker?
00:59:56You a Trump supporter,
00:59:57motherfucker?
00:59:59No, no, I'm not.
01:00:00No, I did not vote
01:00:02for no damn Donald Trump.
01:00:03No, I did not.
01:00:05All right?
01:00:06But I will say this.
01:00:07The reason that I didn't
01:00:09vote for Trump
01:00:09ain't the same reason
01:00:10you didn't.
01:00:11That's right.
01:00:12I have my own
01:00:13simple and shallow-ass reason
01:00:17as to why I didn't
01:00:19vote for Donald Trump
01:00:19is my reason
01:00:20is simple, personal,
01:00:21and shallow as shit.
01:00:26I don't think
01:00:27you should be the president
01:00:28with your head
01:00:28looking like that.
01:00:38That's it.
01:00:38That was it.
01:00:39It ain't got nothing
01:00:40to do with nothing
01:00:42or nothing he said,
01:00:43nothing he did,
01:00:44none of that shit.
01:00:45I just don't think
01:00:45you should be the president.
01:00:47You want to run the country,
01:00:48but you don't want to run
01:00:48a comb through your goddamn head?
01:00:52I ain't got to put up
01:00:53with this shit.
01:00:54You already showing me
01:00:55that you irresponsible.
01:00:57And I want y'all
01:00:58to come with me.
01:00:59Follow me into my mind
01:01:01on this, okay?
01:01:02I felt like the hair
01:01:03was going to serve
01:01:04as a distraction
01:01:06at the UN meeting.
01:01:08You know they had
01:01:09a UN meeting,
01:01:10all the world leaders
01:01:10get together,
01:01:11they discuss international
01:01:12business and the world trade,
01:01:14and I felt like
01:01:15it was going to be
01:01:15his turn to talk.
01:01:16He was going to be up there
01:01:17talking shit
01:01:18like he usually does,
01:01:20but nobody can pay attention
01:01:22to nothing he's saying
01:01:23because they're all
01:01:24looking at his head.
01:01:27And you know eventually
01:01:28one of them world leaders
01:01:29is going to have
01:01:29to say something.
01:01:32It's going to be an African.
01:01:36Because they don't like
01:01:37to be uncomfortable
01:01:38for no long period of time.
01:01:40You understand what
01:01:41I'm saying?
01:01:42Like he's going to be
01:01:43up there talking
01:01:43and one of them
01:01:44African presidents
01:01:45is going to be sitting
01:01:45in the back like this.
01:02:02I am sorry.
01:02:03This is bullshit.
01:02:06You know what?
01:02:07To hell with it.
01:02:07I am going to say something.
01:02:31I am sorry.
01:02:33I am sorry.
01:02:34I must apologize to you
01:02:37for the last 30 or 45 minutes.
01:02:41I have tried my very best
01:02:44to pay the attention
01:02:48to whatever you have been
01:02:50trying to say.
01:02:56But I cannot do it.
01:02:58I cannot do it.
01:03:00It is how you say
01:03:01in your country
01:03:03there is an elephant
01:03:04in the room.
01:03:08Tell me.
01:03:09Tell me.
01:03:10Tell me.
01:03:12What is this shit here?
01:03:23On your head.
01:03:24What the fuck is this?
01:03:26No.
01:03:27I want you
01:03:27to explain to me
01:03:30how is it
01:03:31that the hair
01:03:33on the back of your head
01:03:37can somehow
01:03:40reach all the way
01:03:57to the front
01:03:58of your head
01:04:02and then go around
01:04:07to the side
01:04:08of your head
01:04:10and then back around
01:04:13to the other side.
01:04:15I've been talking
01:04:16to Hachbar.
01:04:18Hachbar.
01:04:19Hachbar!
01:04:22You said you wanted
01:04:23to say something.
01:04:25Fucking Hachbar
01:04:26from India and shit.
01:04:28He get his confused
01:04:29ass up there.
01:04:31I don't know
01:04:31what the fuck
01:04:32that shit is either.
01:04:34Do you want me
01:04:35to go to the car
01:04:36and get you a turban
01:04:37and wrap this shit up
01:04:38or something?
01:04:39I swear
01:04:39every time
01:04:40I look at you
01:04:41I get very, very dizzy.
01:04:42I don't know
01:04:42what the fuck.
01:04:44My wife has rubbed
01:04:45the dot
01:04:45off her forehead.
01:04:47God damn it!
01:04:48Hey, love God.
01:04:49Love yourself.
01:04:49Love each other.
01:04:56The show was amazing.
01:04:58I thought you were just
01:04:59Facebook puny.
01:05:00No, you funny.
01:05:02You funny, son.
01:05:03Boobs over the ground.
01:05:05Stupendous.
01:05:06Stupendous.
01:05:07It was stupendous.
01:05:09I tried laughing.
01:05:10It was very funny.
01:05:12My cheeks hurt.
01:05:14I thought the show
01:05:15was extremely
01:05:16extraordinary.
01:05:17Amazing.
01:05:18I don't know
01:05:18if that sound right
01:05:19but I had a good time.
01:05:20I wasn't going to
01:05:21come out tonight.
01:05:22This man got me
01:05:23out the house.
01:05:24My guess.
01:05:26Ladies and gentlemen,
01:05:27anybody want to tell me?
01:05:33Anybody want to tell me?
01:05:38Ladies and gentlemen,
01:05:39anybody want to tell me?
01:05:45They're not going to tell me.
01:05:46They're not going to tell me.
01:05:48They'll pray.
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