Meat’s on the menu as comedian Lavell Crawford talks godless vegetarians, Burger King slogans, and why the best chicken is from a house of God.
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00:09Thank y'all for coming out, Covina, and wherever else you came out.
00:13Thank you so much.
00:17Did you see all the food back there?
00:20That'd be in my dreams, you understand?
00:23I mean, I had weight loss surgery, man.
00:25I lost 150 pounds.
00:26I lost 150 pounds to be medium fat.
00:36I like good food, man.
00:38I like good food.
00:39And when I come to a new city and I don't know where to get something to eat at, I
00:43never
00:43ask no skinny person.
00:44Skinny people don't know where to get a fucking place to eat at.
00:48I asked a skinny dude one time, man, where's a good place?
00:50Yeah, well, there's a Whole Foods if you go out here.
00:53I say, that's a bashing in your fucking head.
00:56You think I want to pay $95 for a fucking apple?
00:59Get your ass out of my damn face.
01:01Then I got to pay for the fucking bag, too.
01:02Get your ass out of here.
01:05Man, you want to know where to get a good place to eat at?
01:07You ask a fat person.
01:08I was down in Alabama.
01:10It was a big brother just walking around.
01:12And I didn't know if he had any information.
01:14I thought he was crazy.
01:15I said, yo, big man.
01:16He said, yeah.
01:18I said, where's a good place to eat at?
01:20He said, shit.
01:22What you got a taste for?
01:24I said, he's like, follow me.
01:27I was like, oh, shit.
01:28Man, we was going to five different restaurants.
01:31Then we was up in people's houses.
01:35He didn't even know these people.
01:37He was punking me.
01:38I couldn't eat no more.
01:39I said, Tyrell, I'm good.
01:40I said, you ain't good, motherfucker.
01:42You ain't ate, you ain't had the meatloaf yet.
01:44I said, I'm good, Tyrell.
01:45I don't know what he was.
01:47Eat it, bitch.
01:48I was like, oh, my God.
01:49He's a food gangster.
01:53And being a brother, being black, boy, we, black folk, we eat hard.
01:57We, we, everything we got is comfort food.
02:00We got yams with marshmallows on top of the son of a bitch.
02:04We got turkey with turkey in it.
02:07Double turkey on the outside.
02:09Collard green.
02:10Now, the green's supposed to be healthy, but we got a big-ass piece of pork in that son of
02:14a bitch.
02:15But it's fire as hell, too.
02:17And our mac and cheese, you, you in a black house,
02:20you got to know how, there ain't no damn Kraft macaroni and cheese.
02:23You make Kraft macaroni and cheese, bitch, get out of my goddamn house.
02:26You understand?
02:27If you ain't using eight different cheeses in that son of a bitch,
02:31it could be one box of macaroni, but it got 40 cheeses in that shit.
02:35Well, I use Velveeta, Pepper Jack, I don't know, I got some government cheese.
02:43Some cheese that I found in the back and still was good.
02:48That cheese, that cheese that macaroni be fire.
02:51And we eat like that, all that shit.
02:54And then we wash it down with the sweetest Kool-Aid ever in the world.
02:59Black folks, black folks.
03:00And we spread it around.
03:01We made white folks start liking our shit.
03:03White folks like, where's my sweet teeth?
03:06I ain't never had no sweet teeth.
03:08There's a black person saying, I ain't tired of making my teeth sweet at the damn table.
03:13And that dude come in handy, sweet teeth, duh.
03:16You ever try to sweeten your shit at the table?
03:19I went in a restaurant one time, I said, you have sweet teeth?
03:21No, we have sugar on the table.
03:23I said, look, if I went to work, I would have stayed at home.
03:28What kind of shit is this?
03:30You're supposed to have it already sweetened.
03:33Now, I got to put the sugar in it, and I got to keep stirring at some of it.
03:37And I'm thirsty, so I'm drinking it and stirring it at the same time.
03:41And it don't get good until the bottom.
03:44That's when you're like, oh, oh my God.
03:47It's just right at the bottom with the ice cubes.
03:52I like good food.
03:54I mean, people always talking about, oh man, you should be a vegetarian.
03:58It's healthy for you.
04:00I like, fuck, I don't want to eat no damn salad all the damn time.
04:04I think a lot of these animals need to be ate.
04:08They walking around with their little useless ass thighs.
04:11Hell, I'd eat a monkey if you fried right.
04:14Shit.
04:15I'd eat the banana out of his ass.
04:17I don't give a fuck.
04:20I stopped eating pork, you know, because I seen a pig's ass once.
04:24And I was like, oh, I can't eat that anymore.
04:27But back in the day, I used to eat the oink out of that son of a bitch.
04:31I used to eat chitlins.
04:32And you ain't supposed to eat no fucking chitlins.
04:34You ever heard of chitlins, sir?
04:36Hell no, you ain't never heard of chitlins.
04:39Your hair wouldn't look like that if you ate chitlins.
04:43Right here, he had four gold teeth.
04:45Yeah, I had none of them motherfucking chitlins.
04:47They ain't good in the morning.
04:49Chitlins ain't supposed to be eating.
04:50When you got to clean them nine different kinds with bleach, soap, and bury them underground.
04:57Take them to church and let them get baptized.
05:00Let them dry for six years and reboil them.
05:03Re-clean them.
05:04And then re-boil them again.
05:06And put potatoes in them to get the stink out.
05:09You should be eating them, motherfucker.
05:11Who got chitlins?
05:13No, don't eat that shit.
05:15You're gonna die.
05:18When I seen that pig ass, I was like, oh my God.
05:22I'm eating a pig's ass.
05:24That's exactly what I'm eating.
05:26I ain't eating no pig ass.
05:27Fuck that.
05:29If you eating chitlins, you eating pig booty hole.
05:41I accidentally ate a chicken booty one time.
05:44It was a chicken bag and I was eating that motherfucker and that little puffy thing.
05:47I'm like, goddamn, that ain't bad for us.
05:51My grandmama back, you just like your granddaddy.
05:54You like chicken ass.
05:56I'm like, what?
06:03That membrane, that's what you take out of that bitch, yeah.
06:06You got to take the membrane out of that chitlin.
06:09That's why.
06:10But it still stink.
06:11And it still, that membrane don't keep it from coming out of that asshole.
06:16I ain't touching it no more.
06:19I eat beef and all that shit.
06:21I don't eat.
06:22Any vegetarians in the house?
06:24Hmm?
06:27Somebody raised their hand back here.
06:28You a vegetarian?
06:30Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
06:33I know you starving right now.
06:36You really want some more vegetables right now.
06:40I don't have no problem with vegetarians.
06:42I just don't think they believe in God.
06:46If I'm a vegetarian, I ain't saying grace over no damn cabbage.
06:51It ain't, it ain't, it ain't, it ain't, it ain't reason, ain't no reason to pray over it.
06:54I thank you, Lord, for the asparagus.
06:59Thank you for the arugula, oh, Heavenly Father.
07:03Thank you for the dandelion greens that I just put into a bowl and ate them with a little oil,
07:11Lord.
07:14See, that, that, I come, I come from a Baptist church, you know, when we, we, we, and we, and
07:20we, and Baptist churches, you know, they, we have evening service, right, and if they had a church anniversary, they
07:26be cooking, they cook downstairs, and they be cooking up a storm.
07:30And I sang in the choir back in the day, and I'll be up in there, I can't even concentrate
07:34on the word, because, because that chicken be smelling no good in here.
07:40Lord, thank you, hurry the fuck up.
07:42Lord, thank you, let's go on and say grace and get the fuck down these steps.
07:47They cooking up a storm.
07:50And when you see chicken on the table, the prayer is better, you know.
07:54You see a salad, you don't even say nothing about the salad, get the fuck out of here, salad.
07:58Yeah.
08:00Well, you throw that chicken on there, boy, that preacher, preach another sermon, he see that chicken like,
08:04Heavenly Father, see you.
08:07It was your will that this bird gave up his life.
08:12Deal.
08:14You let him be so many different pieces, and you season them with several herbs and spices.
08:21Lord, you battered him up.
08:23You battered him up.
08:26And put him in that hot grease, and grease bubbled up, bubbled up, bubbled up, bubbled up to a golden
08:34brown perfection.
08:36And, Lord, when I beat into that drumstick, the grease popped up on my cheek.
08:41The crumbs fell down my cheek.
08:44It was you, Lord.
08:54You put meat on the table, you're going to get a prayer.
08:57See, put a honey-baked ham on it.
08:59Ah, gee.
09:01That honey that glaze all over that piece of ham.
09:05Every slice got that golden crispy blend on it.
09:08Lord, it's you, Lord, and put that pineapple on top, and let that little piggy die for our nourishment.
09:15It was you, Lord.
09:22Lavelle, I am so sorry to interrupt.
09:25Would you mind putting the water back on the stool?
09:28Oh, come on.
09:36Is that for continuity?
09:39It is indeed, sir.
09:41My apologies.
09:43No, you got it.
09:45You up there.
09:45You trying to be the voice of God.
09:49You must be a vegetarian.
10:02He's going to interrupt me right in the middle of that.
10:07Put a pork chop on her.
10:10And smothered it and graved it.
10:12He said, you made that little piggy delicious, because it was crispy on top of some rice.
10:18He said, you make it orange, and I chop it up.
10:47I'm like, chop it up!
10:49It still don't work.
10:52It's all right to laugh, sir.
10:54I don't know.
10:55Are you from America?
10:56Sitting up front looking crazy as shit.
10:59Don't be sitting in my dance.
11:01You're like, uh, uh, uh.
11:03Hey, you got that sleepy look.
11:07Maybe that's just your face.
11:09Maybe that's your resting face.
11:11That's all it is.
11:12But you laugh every time I fuck with you, sir.
11:15You must be okay.
11:21I'm sorry.
11:22And I don't mean to pick up nobody like that, though, because you don't want to mess with
11:26nobody.
11:27And I see a person down front, and I laugh at one time.
11:29And I was messing with you.
11:30I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man?
11:31I've been funny the whole time up here.
11:32What's your problem?
11:33This wife said, leave him alone.
11:36Leave him alone.
11:37He done had two strokes.
11:39I was like, he's laughing.
11:41It's just that his face don't move, but his chest is bouncing up and down.
11:45He was like, I was killing that fucking chest, but his face wasn't doing shit.
11:55So I don't mess with nobody no more.
11:57But anyway, you know, let me take a breather after preaching like that.
12:05When you preach like that, you got to pull back.
12:08You're like, whoosh.
12:10I know I'm going to heaven.
12:12I know I am, because the way the world is now, the way the world is now, I'm going to
12:20get into heaven on a curve.
12:22I know it.
12:22I know it.
12:25I'm going to go.
12:26I'll be standing behind a tall blind.
12:28I'll be walking up.
12:30We're looking for Steve Johnson.
12:31Steve Johnson.
12:32Oh, that's me, Lord.
12:35You don't look like Steve.
12:36Well, I became a Stacey six years ago.
12:40Well, you was a Steve and you left here.
12:42What happened?
12:43Well, I really felt like I was a Stacey.
12:45Okay, Stacey.
12:49Step to the side, Stacey.
12:51We'll talk to you in a minute.
12:52Who are you, Lavelle Crawford?
12:54Have you been a man all the time?
12:56All the time, I know.
12:59How you died?
13:00Well, I was at the Wingstop.
13:03And I didn't stop.
13:07Come on in.
13:14You got that St. Louis hat on.
13:16You from St. Louis?
13:17Of course I do.
13:18All right.
13:18There's no shit.
13:20You in COVID now, motherfucker.
13:23You a long way from St. Louis.
13:26Like you snitched on somebody and came up here to represent.
13:33I love my hometown, though.
13:35Now, you know about that St. Paul sandwich, don't you?
13:38You ever go to St. Louis, get you one of them St. Paul.
13:41All it is is an egg for them.
13:42You got shrimp St. Paul, beef St. Paul.
13:44You got chicken ass.
13:45All it is is an egg for young patty, and they put it on white bread, put some mayonnaise on
13:51it, some pickles, and some onions, and tomatoes, and it's good and delicious, motherfucker.
13:55But it weighs your blood pressure up to $999, I ate two of them, motherfucker.
14:02I was sleeping on my horn.
14:04Man!
14:06We got Emo's Pizza, one of the best pizza places in the world.
14:11And some people got these little square pizzas, and they make little squares.
14:15But the cheese is delicious, and it stay in your system for seven years.
14:19You don't get to shit it out for a long time.
14:22You can go on a cleanse and everything.
14:27We got red hot Ripplers.
14:29We got the bread hot Ripplers chips and Vestola in St. Louis.
14:33St. Louis got some good eating, but I'm going to tell you, that's my heart.
14:37That's number two to Chicago, because my wife from Chicago, Chicago got some bad shit up.
14:44That Italian beef, you drop that shit, a whole bread and meat, in a juice.
14:51I bring that son of a bitch out.
14:52You can drink the sandwich.
14:56I drank seven before I left that son of a bitch.
14:59I mean, I ain't never say the...
15:02I ain't even got to swallow the son of a bitch.
15:04It's so delicious.
15:07Then they got this mild sauce they put on this fucking chicken.
15:11I don't even know what it's made of.
15:12It looks like blood, but it tastes fantastic.
15:15And, I mean, you can put mild sauce on it.
15:17I can put mild sauce on your fucking hat.
15:19Eat your goddamn head.
15:23Then they got that damn deep dish piece of this devil.
15:26That ain't nothing demonic there.
15:28All that damn cheese on that son of a bitch.
15:31You got to pull all the way to heaven to get all that damn cheese.
15:34And I eat that bitch all the way down.
15:37It be burning my tongue and my face.
15:39I don't give a fuck.
15:43Then you got New York.
15:46New York got some good-ass eating place.
15:48A lot of they places ain't sanitary.
15:51They got that Greek restaurant right out there.
15:54They be making gyros right out on the street.
15:58Now you got this little iron.
16:00They just cooking that shit right there.
16:01But you like a lambacala-nil-a-cala-cala-cala-cala.
16:04You want to-a-lambacala-cala-cala-cala-cala.
16:06I like whatever the fuck it is.
16:08Put it on there.
16:12You like a tzatziki on that?
16:14You goddamn right I want some tzatziki on that.
16:16You like vegetables?
16:17Yes, I want vegetables.
16:18Just stop asking and hurry up.
16:25I know them places ain't legit, but it's good as shit.
16:29I said, man, I probably got parasites all in my stomach.
16:34But I don't care.
16:38His fingernails be brown in the mud.
16:41I was like, are you going to wash your hands?
16:44I didn't wash them two times this morning.
16:47You know, I lost weight, but before I weighed 550.
16:50I wasn't depressed or nothing.
16:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's 550.
16:55Yeah, I mean, trust me.
16:59Huh?
17:00And shit, I did.
17:02Just like this.
17:03I wore clothes to cover it.
17:08If you'd have picked me up, you'd be like,
17:09goddamn, that is 550.
17:14Shit, I never lived 550, but that 550, I'm for sure.
17:18That motherfucker right there weigh 550.
17:21I know I got heavy, man.
17:25You know how I got heavy?
17:26Before, when I used to eat like McDonald's and shit,
17:29I was weighing like 300, 340.
17:31When I started eating roof crisps, that's when the fuck,
17:34when I started eating a high-priced restaurant,
17:36that's when I got big as fuck.
17:38Because I didn't know they put butter on the fucking steak.
17:42And I never stopped them.
17:44Because I said, why not?
17:50That steak come out.
17:52I'm like, ooh, ooh, look at that motherfucker!
17:57Why is he making that noise?
17:59That's what you pay for.
18:01It'd be $100.
18:01I said, I'll pay that motherfucker.
18:03If I had to work here for two days,
18:05I'm going to get that son of a bitch.
18:08And then they got that sweet potato casserole,
18:11which was dynamic.
18:12They got all these walnuts and crust on it.
18:14Then they got them fucking cheese and broccoli.
18:17That's the only way I could be a vegetarian
18:19if they had cheese on it.
18:22You put cheese on every vegetable I eat,
18:25every one of them son of a bitch.
18:26Cheese make a vegetable delicious.
18:31And they said, well, all these sides are shareable.
18:34I said, well, I'm by myself, so I'll share it with myself.
18:43That's how I got big,
18:44eating at them fancy-ass restaurants,
18:46Morton Steakhouse, Holly, fuck.
18:48I went there with D.L. Hooker, that motherfucker,
18:50going to open the steakhouse at 3 o'clock in the fucking morning.
18:53I said, now, I know I ain't that goddamn famous.
18:57I can't even open up Wobble House.
19:01And they already opened.
19:13And I, you know, I mean, the thing about it,
19:15I feel better about my health choices and stuff
19:18because I got a good wife.
19:19She always making me, she'd look at me,
19:21you still eating that?
19:22I was like, that's a little bit, babe.
19:26That's why you got in that position you was in in the first place.
19:30Okay, okay, I'm going to eat it.
19:33Get out of here, pig.
19:34You know what I'm saying?
19:35But I was like, I mean, I miss pork chops and stuff like that
19:38because I used to, you know, I ain't tripped off being big.
19:41I wore big.
19:42I would fly with my big, you know.
19:43I put on my jacket.
19:45I had my, when I had my hair, shit,
19:47I had that shit whipped to the side
19:49with that Superman curl down the middle.
19:51Shit.
19:54Shit, I look like one of the Lost DeBosch brothers
19:56from that singing group.
19:59You know, DeBosch, you seen that?
20:00More precious than silver.
20:03More precious than that.
20:05I come up with mine.
20:06More precious than chicken.
20:09Precious than collard greens.
20:13Hey, I was cool being big.
20:16I ain't had no problem with it.
20:18You know, everybody else, you keep on eating like that,
20:21you're going to die.
20:23I said, good, I'm going to have to hear your ass
20:25tell me I'm going to die all the time.
20:27Fuck off.
20:28You know what I'm saying?
20:29And people are, when you fat, everything bad for you.
20:31Keep on eating that bread.
20:34It's going to make you pop.
20:35I'm like, shut the fuck up.
20:37Won't you eat something so you can pop
20:39and get out of my life?
20:43If bread was so bad, why they got Panera bread?
20:46You drive right in there.
20:47People be in the drive-thru all the time.
20:49Ain't seen nobody dead yet.
20:51Bread makes sense.
20:52You need bread.
20:53You go to Olive Garden,
20:55if that damn garlic bread ain't there,
20:57it ain't worth the trip.
20:59And you get an attitude when they don't bring it out.
21:01Excuse me.
21:04Something wrong with the bread baker or something?
21:07I need my garlic bread right now.
21:10My face be covering them garlic butter all down my face.
21:15Man, ain't nothing wrong with eating.
21:18You just got to watch it.
21:18I mean, I would go to the Waffle House.
21:22I'd go to the Waffle House, baby,
21:24like back in the day after a show like this.
21:26I'd go to the Waffle House and get me.
21:28I'd go in there and somebody,
21:30and they had this meal called a pork chop lover's breakfast.
21:34Yeah, it was four pork chops.
21:38Center cut.
21:39Grilled to perfection.
21:42It's your way.
21:43Y'all used to get them cheese and onion.
21:45Cheese again.
21:47And I'd get a pecan waffle.
21:50Pecan waffle.
21:50And they'd get these hash browns.
21:52And you'd get all these toppings on the hash browns.
21:54I would get them with chili, onion, cheese, mushroom,
21:59and chili again.
22:01And I would eat all that shit and drink it down
22:04with a delicious sweet tea.
22:07Yeah.
22:08Turn that son of a bitch up.
22:10And then, before I leave, I get one to go.
22:15And my heart be like, for real, motherfucker?
22:18I said, for real, heart.
22:20I'm going to get it.
22:22See, because when you're a big person,
22:23you understand what I'm talking about.
22:25Because you can only eat the way you want to at the house.
22:28Because when you're at the restaurant,
22:30there's always some son of a bitch coming up.
22:32Did you leave something for everybody else?
22:35Slow down.
22:36It ain't going nowhere.
22:38Get the fuck away from me.
22:40You know, at the room, I can get in my drawers and socks.
22:45And I can take that pork chop.
22:47Love it, brother.
22:48And I can eat it slow.
22:49Having syrup right there in my chest head.
22:53Dipping that waffle in that son of a bitch.
22:58And I eat all the fat off the side of the pork chop.
23:02Slow and suck it in the other thing.
23:06And then, I don't even wait until it dies yet.
23:08I just go right to sleep.
23:10I'm fearless.
23:11Like, I ain't even afraid to die.
23:13I'll be like, catch me, Lord.
23:22I should have been dead a long time ago.
23:25Dumped the angel up in heaven.
23:26Like, God, should we take him?
23:28God be like, no, let him live.
23:31He should get it together.
23:32Plus, we ain't got no room for his big ass up.
23:37And I'm glad I lost weight.
23:38Because when I die and go to heaven,
23:40I would hate to still be fat.
23:42That'd be fucked up.
23:44It'd be fat.
23:45And all they got is medium-sized wings.
23:49I'd be the only angel walking.
23:50Everybody else flying around.
23:53And the angel be like,
23:54Hey, LaBelle, you can fly over there.
23:56I said, man, you know I can't fly after every job.
23:58You know I sprained my wing last week.
24:02Two weeks later, I walk around.
24:04Ain't got no wings at all.
24:05Where your wings at, man?
24:07I got hungry last night.
24:10Jesus closed down the restaurant.
24:12It's at 12.
24:17Yeah, but I used to do that at Waffle House all the time.
24:20I used to do that at Waffle House restaurant every week after the show.
24:23Go to Waffle House, get one there, get one to go.
24:25Get one there, get one to go.
24:26I did that regularly.
24:28One week, I got done with my one at the restaurant, and I got me one to go.
24:33Got back to the room, got my drawers and my socks, and ready to knock it out.
24:38And to my dismay, I was a poor chop short.
24:46So I did what any red-blooded American would do.
24:50I put my clothes back on, and I went right back down to that Waffle House.
24:58And I snapped.
24:59I said, do you not see something wrong here?
25:01Do you not see nothing wrong here?
25:04They were so nice back in the day.
25:06Waffle House, they kick your ass now.
25:07But back in the day, back in the day, they real, were so courteous.
25:11We're terribly sorry.
25:11We see that you're missing one of your pork chops on your pork chop-lubber breakfast.
25:15You sure you didn't eat one on the way here?
25:19I said, I don't think so.
25:22I said, well, sir, we're going to make you a pork chop for your one to go.
25:30And how about this?
25:31We'll make you another pork chop-lubber breakfast, and you can eat that right here.
25:35Does that sound good?
25:36I said, yeah.
25:38It ain't nothing but 3.30 in the morning.
25:42Do that shit.
25:44And my heart said, I quit.
25:47I'm jumping out of your chest and going somewhere else.
25:50This is too much work for me.
25:53But, you know, I knew I had them get together.
25:56I had them deaf sleeps.
25:57You had them being big.
25:59You had them deaf sleep.
25:59One time I had a long clock go up.
26:02You had them be sleeping.
26:03You just all of a sudden, you just stop breathing.
26:06Like...
26:11Did I just stop breathing for a moment?
26:22Let me go eat a tangerine.
26:26When you fat, you eat fruit.
26:28Like, yeah, this is going to do it.
26:30This is going to break down everything I ate.
26:35Oh, man, I'm glad y'all came.
26:37Don't thank y'all for laughing with a brother, man.
26:39I'm happy.
26:40I said, I said, one of these days, I'll get super famous so Kat can talk about me, you know
26:45what I'm saying?
26:46I said, oh, I'm close.
26:47He didn't say shit about me.
26:52I was like, for real?
26:53You ain't going to say that to them all the way, but he's still fat.
26:56I could have took that.
26:57I was like, okay, I'll accept that.
27:07Kat was going off on everybody on that motherfucker.
27:09That shit was funny.
27:11That's my man.
27:12I think he's talented, man.
27:14People believe him now, but I remember him back.
27:16They were thinking his ass was crazy.
27:17Now they think, oh, he ain't lying.
27:19He ain't lying.
27:21He wasn't lying then.
27:23That motherfucker crazy.
27:24He was slapping people at Target and shit.
27:29He had a reason.
27:29I've been in Target.
27:30They treat your ass fucked up.
27:31I be wanting to slap somebody.
27:32What, bitch?
27:33You better be glad that camera coming on.
27:36But, yeah.
27:38But I'm glad y'all came out, man.
27:40Shit.
27:40I mean, you know, because like I said, I hang.
27:42I've lived in L.A. for 15 years.
27:45My son was born in L.A.
27:46He was born right here in California.
27:48Cali B.
27:49Yeah.
27:54Yeah, my daughter, she graduated from Birmingham High School over there.
28:00For Victory.
28:01Is it Victory?
28:01I think it's where it is.
28:02I don't know.
28:04Shit, she's 32 now.
28:06It ain't no big deal now.
28:08Yeah, it's been a minute, so.
28:10But we lived a life up here.
28:13I love California for what it was, man.
28:15It was good.
28:16It had its moments, you know.
28:18But I had friends up here.
28:21And a lot of my friends were vegetarians.
28:23That's why I fucked with that lady who was vegetarian.
28:26You know what I hate about being a vegetarian?
28:28Is them some bitches always trying to make something that look like meat, but ain't meat.
28:35They say, oh, you ain't gonna tell the difference.
28:38Motherfucker.
28:38Like, my brother.
28:40My brother told me that, man, you should have been over the house all the night.
28:43My wife made some hot dogs out of black beans and walnuts and pecan and with the mustard and the
28:51relish on it.
28:52You couldn't tell the difference.
28:54I said, you son of a bitch, I've had a hot dog before.
28:58I know the difference between a fucking pecan dog and a hot dog.
29:02I slapped the shit out of you.
29:04You say some dumb ass shit like that to me.
29:06Just give me the black beans and pecans in a bowl and I'll eat it if I want to.
29:11You better put them beans with some chili and put it on top of a real fucking hot dog.
29:20And I don't know what this jackfruit is, but they make all kind of shit out of jackfruit.
29:25They make buffalo wings out of jackfruit.
29:28I'm like, I don't know.
29:29This don't make no sense to me.
29:31It ain't sweet.
29:32It ain't good.
29:34And then they put shit on it.
29:35You don't tell the difference.
29:36I know the fucking difference because the chicken wing I ate before said cock-a-doodle-doo.
29:45I don't know what a jackfruit say.
29:48Jackfruit sounds real nasty to it.
29:51Why did they get jacked on?
29:53That's what I don't know.
29:55They make everything out of jackfruit.
29:57Catfish.
29:57They make everything.
29:59You can't tell the difference.
30:00Bitch, I can tell the difference.
30:01I'm just trying to eat right.
30:02I don't give a shit, but right now, by one time, I was at a vegetarian restaurant, and
30:08there was a cow pasture over on the side, and I was eating a fake burger.
30:15I was so mad, and that cow kept looking at me, and I said, your fucking ass need to be
30:21on this sandwich.
30:24That's what I hate about vegetarian, and they always do that shit, you know, always want
30:29to trick you with stuff.
30:30Just give me a fucking salad.
30:32I go eat with my vegetarian friend.
30:34We go to a vegetarian restaurant, and I eat my little vegetarian bullshit, and then I order
30:38DoorDash on the way out the door.
30:43A meat lover's pizza?
30:44Right here.
30:47But one day, I went out to lunch with them, and they surprised me.
30:51They pulled up in the Burger King parking lot.
30:53I said, would you turn around?
30:55They said, oh, no, we're having a cheat day, and we're surprising you, because you know
30:59you get mad at us going to the vegetarian restaurant.
31:01We're going to take you to your favorite place, Burger King.
31:04I said, oh, shit.
31:05All right.
31:06You motherfuckers finally coming around.
31:09You know, I thought they would at least get a chicken sandwich or a Whopper Junior or
31:12some shit.
31:13You motherfuckers pull up to them and go, hi, thank you.
31:15You can have it your way at Burger King.
31:17What would you like?
31:17And I said, yeah, I'd like your apple walnut salad, light on the walnuts, no croutons, and
31:24a little bit of vinaigrette dressing, please, and a Diet Coke, no ice.
31:28I said, this motherfucker or nut salad at Burger King.
31:31It says Burger King.
31:32It don't say no fucking salad king.
31:34What's your stupid ass ordering this dumbass shit for?
31:37What kind of dumbass shit is this?
31:38I'm mad as hell.
31:39Then the other friend's like, yes, I have this thing, but you leave my croutons on.
31:43Oh, my God.
31:44You must be living on the wild side.
31:49And I like my Diet Coke with the ice.
31:51You're a monster.
31:54What would you like, Lavelle?
31:56I said, could you pull me, my window up to the intercom?
32:02Because I don't like nobody ordering my food for me in the drive-thru.
32:05Because when you tell them what you want, they always order and look back, and a double
32:10cheeseburger.
32:12Yes, you son of a bitch.
32:13Stop looking at me and order my food.
32:21And the funny thing about it is, you know, I get, I act like I ain't never been to Burger
32:27King before.
32:28I'm asking questions like, do you guys have the Big King sandwich?
32:36And the guy out there, yes, we have the Big King sandwich.
32:38Would you like to have our Big King sandwich?
32:39Would you like to make it a meal?
32:40I said, I would love to make it a meal.
32:42But I want to alter my sandwich a little bit.
32:45Okay, well, this is Burger King.
32:46You can alter, you can have it your way.
32:49What would you like to do?
32:50I said, well, I would like to remove the middle bun off of the Big King sandwich and replace
32:57it with another patty.
33:03And I don't know why, I don't know why the guy at the intercom, he had to repeat my shit
33:12so loud, like he was letting everybody know what I was getting.
33:17But he said, he was like, so, you want the Big King sandwich where it already has two one
33:24four-pound patties on it, and you want to take the middle bun off and replace it with
33:30another one-fourth patty, would it make it almost a whole pound and a half of burger on
33:37one sandwich?
33:38Is that correct, sir?
33:43I said, yes.
33:46I don't know why you're so loud with it, but...
33:51He's like, would that complete your order?
33:54No.
33:57What else would you like?
33:59I would like another Big King sandwich the same way.
34:04He's like, so, not only do you want the first Big King sandwich where we've removed the middle
34:11bun and added another one-fourth patty to the already cute one-fourth patty on there and
34:17making that a pound and a half burger.
34:19You want another Big King where we replace the middle bun and add another patty to that
34:25so you'll have a total of two to almost three pounds of burger on two sandwiches?
34:30Is that correct, sir?
34:33Yes.
34:34Would that complete your order?
34:36No.
34:38Well, that's what you like, sir.
34:40I would like a curly fry, a regular fry, and an onion ring.
34:46And he's like, oh, my God, you're going for the trifecta?
34:48You're damn right.
34:50Yeah!
34:52Woo-hoo!
34:53Would that complete your order?
34:55No.
34:57Then he got smart, like, what in God's name else could you want, sir?
35:03I said, do y'all still have a chocolate chip cookie?
35:07He said, yes, we do.
35:08Do you want six or 12?
35:10I want 24, please.
35:14Does that complete your order?
35:16No.
35:19Sir, my cash register is smoking.
35:22What else?
35:25I want a chocolate shake and vanilla shake and a strawberry shake.
35:29Only one cup?
35:30No separate.
35:31I'm mixing myself.
35:34And a diet spry with extra ice.
35:38Is that all?
35:39No.
35:40I want an apple walnut salad with extra croutines with french fries on top of it with a vinaigrette ketchup
35:46ketchup ketchup.
35:58It do, it do be like that sometimes.
36:01You got to get it.
36:03You got to put it down.
36:05Yeah.
36:06Huh?
36:07I always like that.
36:10It's all, okay.
36:14She turned into a town hall meeting.
36:17It's always like that.
36:20Amen, sister.
36:24I like good food, though, man.
36:26But we live in the richest country world.
36:29We got food.
36:30We throw away pounds of food every day.
36:32You know?
36:33And I mean, we got the food channel in America.
36:36That's it.
36:37They be having some good-ass shit on there.
36:39Boy, I be watching that show all the time, man.
36:42I miss Paula Deen.
36:43Paula Deen, she used to cook.
36:45Yeah, you remember Paula Deen?
36:46I know she was a racist.
36:48I know Blackie, oh, fuck her.
36:50Fuck that bitch.
36:51Yeah.
36:52Yeah, I know.
36:54See, when Paula Deen used to cook shit, I heard her I wanted to fucking eat.
36:59All the mother chefs would be like, yes, I made a squash amandine and, hey, with a sweet potato reduction.
37:06I said, what the fuck is a sweet potato reduction?
37:10You better put some marshmallows and brown sugar on that son of a bitch.
37:13And I do to reduce it.
37:16That's some bullshit.
37:17And I mean, Paula Deen, she be cooking, man.
37:20She's like, first time I start off with my lasagna.
37:22I got eight cheeses on it.
37:24And I'm putting mixed hamburgers.
37:26I possibly can stuff in each layer of this delicious lasagna.
37:30And I'm adding butter to it.
37:32And then I'm frying turkey legs, wrapped in bacon, stuffed with mac and cheese.
37:43I'm like, oh, shit.
37:45I'm trying to bite the television.
37:47I'm beating the fuck out of that.
37:50She said, I'm about to put the last lady on the cheese.
37:52Then it go to a commercial.
37:54It go to a commercial.
37:56And the commercial always make you feel guilty, man.
37:59The commercial, all you see is...
38:02And then you see this little tumble where you roll fast.
38:05And then you hear this music.
38:08And the sick billy goat come running by.
38:11And then you see this little black boy.
38:16But I don't know what country he is.
38:17He dirty in the motherfucker.
38:19He got this little pie belly.
38:21He cramp.
38:22Oh, Lord.
38:24Oh, here comes this white dude.
38:27Are you sitting on your couch?
38:28Are you living in a warm home?
38:33Are you sitting here living your life, eating every day?
38:39And Mbutu here has not ate in six days.
38:48All he had was a bowl of rice.
38:50His whole family is starving.
38:53Can you sit there and decide Mbutu 65 cents that will feed his whole village for a month?
39:00Look into his eyes.
39:02That motherfucker crying.
39:04Oh.
39:06Oh.
39:08I'm feeling bad in the motherfucker.
39:11Like, damn, poor Mbutu.
39:15He ate in six days.
39:17And I ate 30 minutes ago.
39:21I'm waiting for Carla D to come back home so I can see what she's going to do with this
39:25fucking lasagna.
39:27And all he got is a bowl of rice.
39:30I feel so bad, Lord.
39:32I can't believe this.
39:34So, you know.
39:37I feel so bad.
39:38I went and got my checkbook out.
39:40I heard that music still going, oh.
39:43And I wrote out Mbutu a check for 65 cents.
39:50Along with a recipe for the lasagna.
39:53I know you can't eat this right now because your stomach ain't right.
39:57But when you get on your feet, try this shit out, Mbutu.
40:08And Mbutu, he's starving.
40:10But I'm waiting for her to come back on the lasagna.
40:12And I was mad when they took her on the show.
40:14I know she says some racist shit.
40:16But, you know, what bothers me about most racist people, they always say some words.
40:21They try to act like they the victim.
40:24Have you ever said a word that you didn't really mean?
40:29You know what I'm saying?
40:31I didn't really.
40:32It just slipped out.
40:34I would have never said niggas if I knew niggas were listening.
40:40And I love my black people because we get mad at the N-word, right?
40:44But we say it all damn day.
40:47My nigga, what you doing?
40:48My nigga, where you going?
40:49My nigga, hey, nigga, what you about to do?
40:50I had a dude say niggas so much to me.
40:53I got offended.
40:54He was like, my nigga, what you acting like that?
40:56Nigga, where you going, nigga?
40:56You talking to your mama, nigga?
40:57Damn, nigga, you lost a few pounds.
40:59Nigga, what you got to do, nigga?
41:00This is your car, nigga?
41:01You about to get in the house, nigga?
41:02I was like, fuck you, motherfucker.
41:05I'm not a nigga.
41:06My name is Lavelle Crawford.
41:17And he looked at me and said, damn, nigga, you mad?
41:22But soon, as soon as Paula Deen said, niggas, black people came together.
41:28Man, you hear that bitch Paula Deen said, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, I heard that shit.
41:31Nigga, what we going to do, nigga?
41:32We about to make that bitch lose our job, nigga.
41:36Boy, we boycotted Paula Deen.
41:38They closed down their restaurant.
41:40And I'm mad as fuck because I ain't want that clothes.
41:43She had them hoe cakes and a lion.
41:46Yeah, you ain't never had no hoe cakes before.
41:49It's delicious.
41:50And we took our pots and pans out of Kmart.
41:56I don't know why they doing this to you.
41:59Bitch, you know why you said nigga.
42:00You shouldn't have never said it.
42:04But, yeah.
42:06I like Paula Deen.
42:08I hope she make a comeback shit.
42:10I know she racist, but I go in her restaurant if it's called, nigga, come in.
42:21I don't care if she had shit on the middle.
42:23You like porch monkey pork chops.
42:27Smothered in lazy nigga, greasy nigga gravy.
42:31With a side order of baby mama mac and cheese.
42:36And she wash it down with some lazy nigga sweet tea.
42:44I'm like, yes, give me the porch monkey pork chops.
42:47I'll take some of that baby mama mac and cheese.
42:50Do you still have that coon cornbread?
42:52I mean, I...
42:53And don't forget about my lazy nigga sweet tea.
42:57I love me some lazy nigga sweet tea.
43:11You know, I do specials just to keep content out there, talk shit, bringing comedy out.
43:16I don't give a fuck about all that golden legend shit.
43:19I don't give a fuck about it.
43:20I don't give a fuck about cancel culture or none of that shit.
43:23I talk about what the fuck I want to talk about.
43:28No matter what, I don't give a shit.
43:31Everything need to be talked about.
43:33Only way we can accept it.
43:34We got aliens running around Miami.
43:36We don't even know what the fuck they look like.
43:39But when I seen them black people running out there, that shit was for real.
43:43Because black folks get the fuck out.
43:48Only people who was David were like, what's that?
43:50I swear, that's an extraterrestrial black people.
43:54Like, bitch, I don't give a fuck what is this?
43:58One brother had his Jordans in his hands running.
44:02Black people don't play with that shit.
44:04We don't give a fuck that.
44:11I knew it was for real.
44:13When you see them running, it was for real.
44:15They come on, it was nothing.
44:18It was kids with bottle rockets.
44:19No, there was some bullshit going down.
44:22Black people, we'll look out the window with gunshots going off.
44:26The motherfuckers shooting again.
44:30That wasn't the same.
44:32That was the shit we ain't never seen before.
44:34That motherfucker came out of a motherfucking hole, dawg.
44:38That motherfucker, I'm getting the fuck out of here.
44:42It's the end of the world, dawg.
44:45I'm sure it is.
44:46I don't know.
44:47Jesus, I'm going to come back.
44:48I'm just going to be ready.
44:54I'm going to just have my best outfit on.
44:56Hey, whenever you're ready to roll, God, give me the GPS coordinates.
45:02I'll get us back to heaven myself.
45:04I need to get the fuck out of here.
45:07Because shit coming out.
45:09That Loch Ness monster, he going to stop hiding.
45:12Bigfoot going to stop hiding.
45:13White folks been looking for him.
45:15Bigfoot going to be like, I'm here, bitch.
45:16I'm here.
45:18What you want?
45:19What you want?
45:19Yeah, my feet ain't that damn big.
45:21I wear a size nine.
45:26That Walking Dead shit happened.
45:28I'm really out of here.
45:29I ain't trying to be.
45:30They had 19 seasons of that bullshit.
45:33I was like, what the fuck?
45:35We got to keep dealing with this.
45:37I was on Breaking Bad and Better Call Star.
45:39We did five seasons each.
45:44Yeah.
45:45Walking Dead, they been on forever.
45:48All these dead bodies, just steady walking.
45:50I'm just waiting for one smart zombie to just go.
45:53He's walking, and he's just like, he's just sit down.
45:57I'll put it back.
46:08When I get up, I can't.
46:11I'm not going to lose my virginity with a bottle.
46:17I'm not going to lose my virginity, but one smart zombie just
46:20stopped going, excuse me, where are we walking to?
46:30And why do we eat brains?
46:33I really didn't eat brains when I was alive.
46:35Why would I fucking eat them dead?
46:37I've seen all this delicious chicken running around here.
46:40I got a taste for chicken.
46:42Anybody else?
46:43And why we ain't broke in a shoe store?
46:46Why are we attacking these people?
46:47Can we stop at Adidas or something?
46:50I've been walking in ten seasons with these work boots on.
46:56I'm dead, and my feet are killing me.
47:07Any teachers in the house?
47:09Yeah.
47:10What you teach?
47:11I teach.
47:12I'm a special ed teacher, and I teach high school.
47:14You teach special ed?
47:16Yeah, sir.
47:16I kind of figured when you jumped up.
47:22That special ed right there.
47:25Special ed kids coming a long way, though.
47:28I've seen them working at McDonald's, man, them kids.
47:31You know, for real.
47:33Special ed boy bring me out.
47:35Because I used to go to McDonald's, and it used to be all senior citizens.
47:40They was great, too, them old people.
47:41Boy, they in there working that damn restaurant.
47:44The old lady, I'd come up.
47:45Hi, baby.
47:45How you doing?
47:46What would you like there?
47:47I'd say, I'd like a Big Mac and a double cheese.
47:49Oh, boy.
47:50You must be hungry.
47:51You want that big mac.
47:53You want that Big Mac?
47:55That's a big old sandwich.
47:56I don't know.
47:57How you doing, sweetheart?
47:59Okay, we're going to give you.
48:00Would you like a French fry with that?
48:02I said, yes, ma'am.
48:03I said, Curtis, French fry.
48:04And Curtis over there making them fries.
48:06That old man cooking them damn fries.
48:08He put them in a handful at a damn time, and he didn't even turn the timer on.
48:12He watching the fries.
48:14He said, see, that timer go off too late.
48:17It make them too hard.
48:18See, what I'm going to do is get them out right when they brown.
48:21I'm like, ooh, shit, them fries going to be delicious.
48:25And they was.
48:26They was like potato Kit Kats.
48:28They was delicious.
48:31Popping this crispy on out there, tender in the inside.
48:35Oh, my God.
48:36And then they wrapped my burger so right, right?
48:39When I got all the way to the house, then you open the wrapper.
48:42When I opened it up, steam came off that something.
48:44I said, I love that McDonald's.
48:47And then one day I came there, and all of them died.
48:51They all passed away.
48:53I was, I know.
48:55I was so sad.
48:57I said, what is this McDonald's going to be?
49:01Then I came back in there, and they hired a few special need kids to work the McDonald's.
49:06I don't know.
49:07That was really nice, you know.
49:09And the young guy was a good kid, too.
49:11He said, welcome to McDonald's.
49:12He had on a T-shirt and a tie without no, uh...
49:18without no collar on me.
49:23I'm Reggie.
49:24I'll be taking your order today.
49:25I was like, all right, Reggie, how you doing?
49:27I said, give me a Big Mac and a WT Mac and a fry.
49:30He said, right away, sir, he pressed one button.
49:38I said, you ain't going to ring shit up.
49:40He said, press one button.
49:41And he looked at me and said, that'll be $1.12.
49:51I gave that motherfucker $2.00.
49:54He said, well, why so much money?
49:56That's your tip, Reggie.
50:00I felt proud.
50:02I did a good cheese that day.
50:09I left got in my car, and I got home ready to knock my WT and my Big Mac up.
50:14And I opened the bag.
50:15I had a half a turkey and an undone yam and that son of a bitch.
50:20I was like, wait a minute.
50:22I didn't know they had McTurkey sometime.
50:27But that ain't, you know, when I ask about teachers, I mean, I admire teachers.
50:32But some of these teachers out here, you need to step it up.
50:35Because, you know, Reggie, you know, he's a good kid.
50:38He tried his best.
50:39But there's some kids out here that ain't even special needs, but dumb as fuck.
50:45Especially you math teachers, y'all need to be on your fucking game, you know.
50:49That's why I slimmed down.
50:51I couldn't eat fast food no more because I was afraid I'm going to be as dumb as these fucking
50:55kids.
50:56I mean, I went to Subway, right?
50:58I walked this Subway, and I walked up, and he said, hey, what would you like this Subway?
51:01I said, yeah, give me the cheesy crust bread with, you know, extra oil on it.
51:06And give me the double roast beef and double turkey on it.
51:09And I like lettuce, tomatoes, and everything on it.
51:11Put all the toppings on it with extra mayonnaise on both sides and some of that supposedly mayo also.
51:18I said, and I like five cookies and a sweet tea.
51:23I'm getting something for my son, yeah.
51:26So I got up to the counter, and the young lady rang it up, and she's just pressing the button.
51:31He said, yeah, it'll be $19.75.
51:33I said, okay.
51:34And I gave her $20.25.
51:38And I put that quarter on the counter, and that little girl looked puzzled as hell.
51:43She's looking at her, and she said, sir, you already gave me $20.
51:46I said, I know.
51:47I gave you $20.25.
51:48She goes, what's the quarter for her?
51:51I said, because I wanted a dollar back.
51:54And then she's going to look at me and say, I don't think we take quarters.
51:58I said, you fucking take quarters.
52:01It's U.S. currency.
52:04Idiot, it's not a fucking peso.
52:08Give my goddamn dollar a few.
52:11And she's looking scared as death.
52:13She's looking scared as death.
52:14She's looking at me, looking at the quarter, looking at me.
52:17It's almost like she started rebooting.
52:19She's like.
52:25And then she's going to say, girl, get some help out here.
52:27Miss Shirley.
52:29Miss Shirley.
52:30I said, yeah, call Miss Shirley.
52:31I know her ass, no.
52:32Miss Shirley came out.
52:33She had these thick-ass glasses on.
52:35Made a space shuttle glass, you know.
52:37I knew she knew what the fucking quarter was.
52:39Miss Shirley came to the counter.
52:41His bill was 1975.
52:43Okay.
52:44And he gave me $20.25.
52:46And Miss Shirley looked at me and said, what the quarter for?
52:48I said, oh, fuck.
52:51Y'all eating this food?
52:53Y'all dumb as fucking hell.
52:54I said, I want a dollar back.
52:56Miss Shirley.
52:57I don't think we take quarters.
52:58I said, you gotta take fucking quarters.
53:00I just want a whole dollar bill back.
53:02Miss Shirley went.
53:05They both was rebooting.
53:06I took my $20 and my quarter and my sandwich and cookies.
53:10And I got the fuck out of there.
53:12They probably still did that counter.
53:13Dumb in the mud.
53:14Fuck it.
53:18And that ain't the worst one.
53:20That ain't even the worst one.
53:22You know, I like Burger King.
53:24That's one of my places.
53:25I went up to Burger King, right?
53:28And the little boy, I got what I want.
53:30The big king, you know.
53:31Middle bun's gone.
53:32Put the bacon patty on.
53:34And I went on and got two of them.
53:35I got regular fries and the onion rings.
53:38A couple of chocolate shakes.
53:40And, you know, that's right, you know.
53:42Bill came up to $29,000, $89,000, something like that.
53:46So I gave the boy $30,000.
53:48Little boy ring up.
53:50Turned around and gave me change for a $50,000.
53:55I was looking at my head.
53:57I was like, oh, the fuck, I got more money than I started with.
54:01I said, young man, is this right?
54:03He said, thank you for coming, sir.
54:06I was like, oh, fuck.
54:08So back in my younger days, I would have ran the fuck out of it with all that money and
54:12all that food and got the fuck out of it.
54:15But I went to the door.
54:16And it must have been the guy in me.
54:19I stopped at the door.
54:22And I was looking up.
54:23And I looked at this boy.
54:25And I looked up at God.
54:27And I said, God, what do you want me to do?
54:34And I waited for God to answer.
54:37I waited.
54:38And I waited.
54:40And I waited.
54:41And apparently God was busy.
54:45I took medicine in my own hand.
54:47I walked back up to that counter and said, young man, you gave me change for a $50,000.
54:51He said, yes, sir.
54:56But you made a horrible mistake.
54:58What is it, sir?
54:59Because I gave you a $100 bill.
55:06I walked out of that bitch with $130 plus all that fucking food.
55:11That's what God wanted me to do.
55:14Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
55:16I've been LaBelle Carver.
55:18You've been wonderful.
55:54I can do it out there.
55:59I've been lovely.
56:06You
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