Hear the comic’s musings on being unqualified for the show My 600 Pound Life, racists not taking a holiday, and misadventures in Taco Bell bathrooms.
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#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #lavellcrawford #lavellcrawfordcomedy #lavellcrawfordstandup
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00:08Who is it?
00:09Man, it's us, man.
00:10Who is it?
00:11It's Isaiah and Floyd.
00:13Man, you know who it is, man.
00:14Stop playing, man.
00:19Man, now you don't know us, man.
00:21What's good, bro?
00:23What's up, man?
00:25What's up, man?
00:26What's up, man?
00:27What's up, man?
00:27What's up, man?
00:29Y'all love got real funky when y'all heard a 40 City tour from my child.
00:36Yeah.
00:37About that.
00:37About that tour.
00:39It wasn't what we thought it was going to be.
00:41Hell, you could have asked me that.
00:43We didn't know.
00:44We didn't know, man.
00:44You know, the other people was here, you know.
00:46He said he was on pay us and everything.
00:49Yeah.
00:49Man, I was just like, hey.
00:51I mean, what brings you guys here today?
00:54Man, we felt bad, man.
00:56We felt bad.
00:56We want to keep it in the family, man.
00:58We miss you, man.
00:58And honestly, your son, he couldn't hold his weight for how you was doing it, man.
01:03Yeah, man.
01:03And you know, the tours, a lot of tour dates got cut.
01:06Yeah.
01:06And I looked on your calendar, and I'm like, man, you doing good for yourself.
01:11So you want to come back.
01:12You family, I can't really ditch you.
01:15I've been knowing you since you was in diapers.
01:17I had to even go vegan, man.
01:18Like, that's how bad it's been.
01:20Damn.
01:21Yeah.
01:21Damn.
01:22So many animals celebrate.
01:24Yeah.
01:24Yeah.
01:24And he know his...
01:29But that's fantastic.
01:30You know what you do for me?
01:32Okay.
01:33Come back and get my good gracious.
01:34I need you to go get every fun-sized candy bar out there.
01:37Snickers, Crunch, $1,000 grand bar, Payday, all of them, Harm and Joy, and bring them around
01:43here, all right?
01:44I need some chocolate in my life.
01:46Man, I thought you were switching your diet.
01:47Man, slow down, y'all.
01:48Just because you vegan don't mean you better than that.
01:50All right, all right, all right.
01:51I mean, you want to be back in my good gracious.
01:53I got you.
01:53I got you.
01:53And don't be nibbling off of them like you used to.
01:55I can't have one.
01:56No, I can't have one.
01:57No, you vegan, right?
01:59Yeah, but they don't...
02:00Don't fall off the train until you come back.
02:03I mean, you're going to stay on vegetables.
02:04All right.
02:05I mean, that saved me some money.
02:06All right.
02:07And Isaiah, you've been headlining all over the country.
02:10All right, the only thing I'm going to need from you, man, you know, because I know you
02:14were just filing flawed because he a bad influence.
02:16Right.
02:17I want you to put your father on all your days.
02:21That's what I want.
02:22Gerald needs the money.
02:23And you got to take care of your dad.
02:25Every show?
02:26Every show.
02:28All right.
02:28All right.
02:29Now get the hell out of here.
02:30That's a bad reason, man.
02:31Let me call my pops.
02:32Yeah, call him right now.
02:34Tell him I say hi.
02:35And I'm waiting on him.
02:37I'm waiting on him.
02:37Hey, man, you want your son to come in?
02:39Man, he out here.
02:40Yeah, well, I really don't want to talk to him.
02:47Well, well, well.
02:50Mr. Forty City Tour here, huh?
02:54What happened to your Forty City Tour, huh?
02:56Things happened.
02:58Dates got cut.
02:59Yeah, I heard what happened.
03:00It wasn't a tour.
03:01It was a dinner at Olive Garden, the tour of Italy.
03:06I've had it before.
03:08Lasagna, then you got the spaghetti, and then you got the musketcholi, and then you can put
03:12this much parmesan on it and them breads and things unlimited.
03:15They delicious, huh?
03:17Yeah.
03:18And congratulations.
03:19But what brings you back here?
03:21I'm trying to come back to the house.
03:22You did me dirty, bro.
03:24You took my old team away from me.
03:27Now you want to come back to me?
03:28Grandma's house ain't doing you no good.
03:31Grandma can't cook for nothing.
03:33So you want to come back home?
03:34Yeah.
03:35Yeah.
03:35Okay.
03:36Well, this is what you do for me.
03:38You go on that stage, and you be hilarious like you've never been before, or you back
03:42with grandma, clipping them toenails and wiping them crusty feet.
03:47You all right?
03:48Come and give me a hug.
03:51Come on, now.
03:52You ain't that grown.
03:54All right.
03:55Come here.
03:56Now go up there and be funny, all right?
03:58Oh, God.
03:58You back in the street.
04:00Yeah, man.
04:01Hey, bro, I went and got them for you, man.
04:03Just like you said, Hershey's, Mr. Good, Milky Way, all that, man.
04:07I got them for you.
04:08There you go, man.
04:10You want me to open them for you?
04:11I got it.
04:12You look like you already opened one.
04:13Man, where'd that come?
04:15Come on, man.
04:16No, man.
04:16There you go, man.
04:17Ain't that what you wanted?
04:19Yeah, it is.
04:20I thought it was a little bigger bag than them.
04:23But you back in, bro.
04:24All right.
04:25Appreciate it, man.
04:25I'm going to go out the door and make sure nobody come in.
04:28I got you.
04:30Y'all give it up for my guy, Lavelle II.
04:41Hey, everybody.
04:41I'm back.
04:45This is my third time and I still ain't got paid.
04:51I ain't even want to do it this time.
04:54I'm 13 now.
04:56I'm pretty much an adult.
04:59Even though I live with my parents that don't pay any bills.
05:02But I'm pretty sure there's a lot of people in this audience that live with their parents that don't pay
05:06any bills.
05:11I also had to do this because I got in trouble with art class because we was making, like, ceramics
05:17out of clay for making the Washington Monument and she thought I was making a man's private part.
05:24She gonna ask me, then why does it have balls?
05:27And I told her, those just bushes in front of the building.
05:32All right.
05:33Well, give it up for the man you came to see, Lavelle Crawford!
05:45Hey, ain't nobody working harder than I am.
05:49Hey, ain't nobody working harder than I am.
05:51Give it up.
05:52Give it up for my man, Lavelle II.
05:54Give it up for him.
05:57All right.
05:58Thank you, man.
06:00I won't never make you do it again, so as long as you don't make penises in class.
06:08Yeah, man.
06:09Comedy hard, man.
06:10I'll bring him up and make him do my job so he'll know I work for a living here.
06:17Oh, man.
06:18Thank y'all for coming out, Covina and wherever else you came out.
06:22Thank you so much.
06:27Y'all wonder about my background, you know?
06:31That's how my dreams are, you understand?
06:37I mean, you know, I had weight loss surgery and so I don't get to eat like that no more.
06:42I miss all them foods, you know?
06:45I can only eat bites of that.
06:46I can eat a half a slice of pizza now.
06:48I can eat a half a burrito, but I come back.
06:51Soon as I take a shit, I come back.
06:55I have to release and come back and enjoy, you know?
06:59Oh, man.
07:00Ain't nothing wrong with good eating.
07:02We live in America.
07:03We take pictures of our food.
07:07I ain't never seen that bullshit before.
07:11My brother said, man, hold on.
07:12Let me get a screenshot of this shit.
07:15I said...
07:18I said, boy, I feel sorry for people in poor countries like Ethiopia or somewhere like that.
07:24But they gotta take a picture of a bowl of rice.
07:27They ain't, you know, hold up, hold up.
07:29Hold up, Boutou.
07:30Let me...
07:33Let me take a picture of this bowl of roaches.
07:38Come on, man.
07:40We just...
07:41We spoiled here.
07:43We got pizza with cheese in the crust.
07:47Now, that's too fat.
07:48That's just ridiculous.
07:50But it's fantastic, though.
07:52It's so good.
07:53I mean, you think the crust is done.
07:56You're like, you know what?
07:58I got a second meal here.
08:02You go to Little Caesar, you think they got it hot and ready for five dollars.
08:07You ain't got to say nothing to nobody.
08:09Here's over there.
08:10Right there.
08:10Give me five of them.
08:11Let me get out of here.
08:12You can eat them in the car.
08:13They got a pizza wrapped in bacon.
08:15That is insane.
08:17Why?
08:18You need bacon around a pizza.
08:20And they said, why not?
08:23Ain't no reason to argue with that shit.
08:26That makes sense.
08:30The United States is the only country that got a show called My 600 Life, 600 Pound Life,
08:36and it's been on for 15 seasons.
08:39That's a lot of fat fuckers on one show.
08:42How you find that many people wearing 600 damn pounds?
08:47Shit, I got up to 550.
08:49I didn't even make it.
08:52I was trying.
08:53I was like, come on, buddy.
08:54You can do it.
08:59My buddy said, I can't.
09:00I'm gonna stop right here.
09:01This is my breaking point.
09:04555.
09:05That's all I can do.
09:07I'm on one more chicken wing.
09:11I know the best place to eat.
09:13I lived in L.A. for a while.
09:16L.A. got, you know, it's the best of all worlds, you know?
09:19Yeah.
09:20For real.
09:21When it comes down to food, you know what I'm saying?
09:24You can eat hardly wrong for a minute.
09:26You can go eat hard.
09:26They got to play like Tommy Paschrami.
09:29You get 30 pounds of paschrami on one damn sandwich.
09:33You be like, damn.
09:34You want cheese on it?
09:35Is there room?
09:37You can go to Whitman's Fish and get you some fresh fish.
09:42You get it fried right there in front of you.
09:44Even though that motherfucker be mean.
09:46I don't know why a black restaurant.
09:48Hey, I always look at you fucked up.
09:49Can I help you?
09:50I was like, yes, smile a little bit.
09:53While you cooking my damn food.
09:56What you want?
09:57I just want some fish.
10:00What kind?
10:06You know, give me some caffeine.
10:07We ain't got no damn caffeine.
10:09I was like, well, why don't you just tell me what you don't have?
10:11So I won't say that because it seems like I'm pissing you the fuck off.
10:17Black restaurants kill me anyway, man.
10:20You got to go call a soul food restaurant.
10:22You got to go on the right day to get what you want.
10:24They had a whole million.
10:25Oxtail, short ribs, and fried chicken.
10:28But you got to look at the dates.
10:32Yeah, give me the short ribs.
10:34Well, does it look like Thursday?
10:35I'm like, I don't know.
10:40Well, give me the mac and cheese.
10:41Does it look like Sunday?
10:42Look, lady, what can I have today?
10:45You can have the meatloaf.
10:47I don't even want no meatloaf, but you need to get the fuck out of here.
10:49That's all we got.
10:51And don't try to call your order in to a black restaurant.
10:54That phone ring forever.
10:56Ring, ring.
10:58Ring, ring.
11:00Ring, ring.
11:02You be sitting there like, God damn, are they closing?
11:04It's 11.30 in the morning.
11:06What the fuck?
11:06Ring, ring.
11:08Ring.
11:08Finally, somebody pick up.
11:09Hello?
11:10Yeah, has this made me soul food?
11:13Yes, it is.
11:15I'd like to make a pickup order.
11:16All right, hold on.
11:17Go ahead.
11:18Yeah, give me a cabbage with some oxtail.
11:22Give me some rice and gravy with that, some yam.
11:24And give me some fried okra.
11:27Hold on, man.
11:28Man, I don't even work here.
11:29Let me see.
11:31What the fuck you answering the phone for?
11:41I mean, you know, some restaurants, cause I love Chinese food, but you call them motherfuckers,
11:45you don't know what they saying.
11:47You might as well just go in.
11:48Don't talk to me.
11:50Don't talk to me.
11:51Don't talk to me.
11:52Don't talk to me.
11:53Don't talk to me.
11:55Don't talk to me.
11:55I said, man, speak English.
11:57I am speaking English.
11:58I know.
11:59What the fuck was that other shit you said?
12:01Don't talk to me.
12:02Who the fuck are you talking to somebody else?
12:07And, you know, LA, you can get it.
12:09In California, you can get that authentic Mexican food.
12:12You know, I love Mexican food.
12:14That shit's fine.
12:15You know?
12:16But they be trying to trick you to be the same food with a different name.
12:19You know?
12:20But they eat some tortillas with meat and beans and an inch a lot of tortillas with meat
12:25and beans and a chimichanga tortilla with beans and beans.
12:31I was like, what the fuck is going on?
12:34And then I was like, fuck it.
12:35Give me three of these.
12:36I don't give a shit.
12:40And that's the bad thing about, like, Mexican restaurants.
12:43They don't even have no restaurant.
12:44They be just cooking shit on that little hot grill right out in front of some building.
12:48They be right out in front of LA Fitness.
12:50You come out here.
12:54I'm here talking to you.
12:55I said, what you want?
12:56What you want, my man?
12:57My man, I got you, man.
12:58Come on.
12:58What you want?
12:59Fuck, give me five of them thumbs, bitch.
13:02He ain't got no health stick.
13:04He ain't got no health stick or nothing.
13:06You don't give a fuck.
13:07He chop it in an onion.
13:08Now you're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:09Huh?
13:10He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, man.
13:18The Mexican's the one that hit me to the bacon-wrapped hot dog.
13:22I had never had.
13:25Man.
13:26Man, I ain't know that existed.
13:30They gave me a damn hot dog.
13:33That motherfucker wrapped in the back.
13:34I said, what is this crunch?
13:35Yeah, I wrapped bacon on it.
13:37I was like, you motherfucking genius.
13:40And when you get a Mexican hot dog, they put all that shit in.
13:44Onions and tomatoes.
13:46They put all this motherfucking sauce and shit all over.
13:49There's so much shit on there.
13:50You got to eat it like you got on some dress clothes.
13:53It's different.
13:56But it be so corn.
13:57Didn't they cook?
13:57Didn't they do the corn the same way?
13:59He's like, goddamn, mayonnaise on corn?
14:02Who the fuck ever heard of this?
14:03I said, give me four of them, though.
14:07Motherfucking have them in a cooler.
14:08It'd be cool to be one side hot, one side cold.
14:12He got orange and green Faygo in that motherfucker.
14:16I said, I didn't even know they make Faygo anymore.
14:25And they the one that told me that you can eat hot sauce on fruit.
14:29They put that hot chile on them.
14:31I said, who the fuck's that?
14:37I tried it.
14:38You don't know.
14:40I said, this is fire.
14:43My tongue burning like it's something, bitch.
14:45It's quenching it and burning it at the same time.
14:52And in authentic Mexican, you can eat it and your stomach be all right.
14:56But I fucked up and tried Taco Bell and that is not authentic Mexican.
15:01I know.
15:03You should have told me that earlier.
15:07I fucked up and got two burrito supreme.
15:10And I took a bite of it right at the drive-thru window.
15:13And then all of a sudden the countdown came.
15:15Five, four, three.
15:17My son said, you better find somewhere.
15:20Because I'm about to shit this car up.
15:24I had to get out of the car and just shit in the parking lot.
15:38And that ain't the worst time though.
15:40The worst time, I ate Taco Bell.
15:43I said, fuck it.
15:44I don't even know why I got in the airport.
15:45But I fucked up and grabbed some.
15:50It was the only one open.
15:51I was like, fuck it, let me get some.
15:53And I got a cup from Rio Supreme.
15:55And I was knocking them out.
15:56And my plane was about to board.
15:58So I got on that bitch.
15:59But it was a short flight.
16:00I tried to make it to Las Vegas from L.A. and be okay.
16:05You know, but as soon as I sat down and put my seatbelt on,
16:07the countdown is done.
16:11And that flight from L.A. to Las Vegas was about 28 minutes.
16:16The pilot came on the intercom.
16:18We were about to make our final descent into the Las Vegas area.
16:23I was like, man, we'll be landing in about 25 minutes.
16:25Can you make it about 15?
16:27Because I'm trying to clutch.
16:29I'm trying to keep my ass tight.
16:32I'm letting out fart chunks like clack, clack, clack, clack,
16:37hoping that would take it away, you know?
16:39No, it was hanging in there.
16:42And then the pilot came over the intercom,
16:45and I got my attention in the cabin.
16:47There's a plane on the tarmac
16:49and they have a weather system coming in.
16:51So we're going to have to fly in a holding pattern.
16:53I said, no.
16:55No, you can't do that to me.
16:57You're going to be in a holding pattern,
16:59but I don't have no holding pattern.
17:02I said, fuck it.
17:03I said, students are going to get up.
17:04Can I get up and go to the bathroom?
17:06She said, sir, you had to sit in your seat.
17:07She said, fuck the turbulence.
17:10I was knocking shit down.
17:13I knocked this baby out of this lady arm.
17:15I'm knocking books and shit.
17:17I'm spinning out for old people.
17:20And I get to the down.
17:22I get to the toilet.
17:24And you know, them toilets are little shit, you know?
17:26And back then I was wearing 55.
17:30And I see why they call it a laboratory,
17:32because you've got to be a fucking scientist
17:36to figure out how I'm going to get all this ass
17:39in that little ass car.
17:44And my stomach was making more of the...
17:47It sounded like a ghost came in that business.
17:50I said, oh, my God.
17:51I had to do something.
17:52The only idea I came up with was to pull my pants down
17:55and aim my ass in the door
17:57and let it ricochet out of the mirror.
18:04But I said, I can't do that.
18:06People want to use this restroom,
18:07and I don't want to get sued.
18:09So I just took off my clothes outside the laboratory.
18:14People were so disgusted.
18:15Oh, my God.
18:17I don't want to look at this.
18:21He's butt necking, and he got his nerve
18:23to have a thong gone.
18:26And it's on crooked.
18:27It looked like his booty's smiling at me.
18:29I said, bitch, that's not a thong.
18:31That's regular underwear.
18:36And I oozed into the bathroom.
18:38I was sweating so I could have some lubrication.
18:41I slid in that sunfish,
18:43and I tucked my feet in,
18:45and I got in that little toilet,
18:46and I sat down,
18:48and I let out one warning for it.
18:51It sounded like a couple of the ghosts came out.
18:55It sounded like I had Luther Vandross in my ass.
19:01And then, you know,
19:02authentic Mexican,
19:04when you see it,
19:04it come out just regular like,
19:06blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip, blip.
19:08Backlight, and then it happened to me.
19:10Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.
19:12That's it.
19:14That's it.
19:15Taco Bell come out like you got a 12 gauge in your ass.
19:18Kick out!
19:20Kick out!
19:22I was like, oh, my God.
19:23Kick out!
19:25Oh, God, please.
19:27And that fire sauce was hitting the tip of my booty ring.
19:30I was like, Heavenly Father,
19:32please let some of that cool, cool water
19:35splash up on my booty hole
19:38to give me some relief.
19:39Kick out!
19:41Kick out!
19:42I said, how many shells do I have?
19:48I shitted so much Taco Bell.
19:50Next thing I heard, bing-a-bing,
19:51I said, oh, my God, I must have ate the bell.
20:00And I thought I had the door secure and closed
20:03so nothing in the smell could get out.
20:05But when I came out of that toilet,
20:08trying to put my clothes on,
20:10it was a man dead right by the door.
20:14And people just looking at me in astonishment, like,
20:17why did you wait till you got on a plane
20:20to do such a thing?
20:22You knew you ate Taco Bell.
20:24We could hear the shotgun shells from the door.
20:28You could have shit at the airport.
20:30Are you mad at somebody on the plane?
20:33Are you a terrorist or something?
20:35You sure you're not a terrorist?
20:37You go around fucking up toilets all over the country?
20:41You killed this lady's baby up here.
20:44Oxygen mask came down and everything.
20:47We had to open up the door on the plane.
20:49You ain't supposed to do that at 30,000 feet.
20:52I hate you.
20:54I hate you for real.
20:57It's all in my clothes.
20:59I can almost taste it.
21:02Finally come over here to the competition and coach.
21:05We know there's a non-smoking flight,
21:07but you're welcome to light up now.
21:11Marijuana, crack cocaine, heroin,
21:13whatever the fuck you got.
21:14If somebody got a barbecue grill,
21:16please cook a rib.
21:18Get this fucking smell out of here.
21:20And you fat bastard who shit in that toilet,
21:23sit out on the wing and air the fuck out.
21:28I sat out there and ate my last burrito supreme.
21:45I had to stop smoking weed
21:47because I had too many food fantasy.
21:50I thought of some genius ass shit when I used to get high.
21:53I used to smoke it like .
21:56You know what they need to do?
21:58They need to take a Krispy Kreme donut
22:02while it's still hot
22:03and inject it with some sauce, serve, ice cream.
22:07So you got that hot and cold messin' together
22:11and you bite it to that son of a bitch.
22:19I almost got myself pregnant with that one.
22:24But I ate like a king at that son of a bitch.
22:27I would eat and all that fine food.
22:30That's where you get fat with fine food.
22:32Now, you know,
22:33McDonald's is just throwaway calories, you know.
22:35You fuck up there, but you know,
22:38it's the thing about it.
22:39I used to go to McDonald's when, you know,
22:41the back of the day when that value meal first came out,
22:43me and my cousin, me and my cousin used to go.
22:46You know, she was a big gal too.
22:47And we used to ride it.
22:49I had a Ford Pinto.
22:50That son of a bitch.
22:52That son of a bitch was raggedy as hell.
22:54That son of a bitch.
22:54You ever have a car that you turn off and it's still runnin'?
23:02You turn it off.
23:03I got to turn it off and turn it back on.
23:04So you turn it off and then take the battery cable off and put it back on.
23:11Somebody tried to steal my car today.
23:13Man, it ain't going nowhere.
23:15How you turn it off and it's still runnin'?
23:16I said, don't try to steal it.
23:18You'll regret it.
23:19All right?
23:21I mean, but it didn't use no gas.
23:23I don't know what it ran on.
23:24I think it ran on the Holy Spirit.
23:26I don't even know.
23:29And that son of a bitch would smoke like it.
23:33It smoked like I'm in a war zone.
23:36That son of a bitch.
23:37Some people thought it was on fire with so much smoke on that son of a bitch.
23:41And me and my cousin, we'd go to McDonald's.
23:43That's when they first came off that value meal.
23:45You know, she was chunky, I'm chunky too.
23:47We'd drive up that bucket.
23:51We pulled up to the intercom.
23:56And they came on the intercom.
23:58Sir, could you please turn your radio down?
24:01We can't hear you.
24:03I said, it's not my radio, it's my car.
24:07Let me turn it off and remove the battery cable.
24:12How can we help you?
24:14I said, yes.
24:14I was like, three double cheeseburgers and two Big Macs, please.
24:19Because I'd take the double cheeseburger and I'd take the meat off the double cheeseburger.
24:22And I'd put them on the Big Mac so it could be an ultimate Big Mac.
24:29And I'd keep the wrappers from the cheeseburger because it had that excess cheese on there.
24:33And I don't know what it is about that cheeseburger, the wrapper.
24:36Man, that motherfucker be...
24:40One time I ate it and I almost choked on the paper.
24:43I was like...
24:51And I was like, three writing fries.
24:54And it was like, what is a writing fry?
24:55I was like, oh, you don't know what a writing fry is?
24:59Well, for those who don't know what a writing fry is, you know how you get your fries with your
25:03meal and you're driving home and you're steady eating the fries.
25:07And by the time you get to the house, there's no fries left.
25:13Now you have no fries to eat with your burger.
25:21And I lived like about 20 minutes in my house.
25:24So I needed approximately three writing fries.
25:28And then I ordered my food.
25:30She said, would that be all?
25:31I said, yes, give me a small diet coke, please.
25:38And then my cousin, my cousin, she's a big girl, but she tried to be dainty, you know.
25:44I got another order.
25:45What you want, cousin?
25:46He gonna say, yes, I would like three eight piece McNuggets, please.
25:52I said, why don't you get a 24?
25:53I don't eat like that.
26:04I said, all right, I ain't gonna argue with you.
26:07And a regular fry and a diet sprite with a small water, please.
26:15He said, what kind of sauce?
26:16Give me a barbecue, a sweet and sour, and one ketchup.
26:21He said, okay, that'll be, uh, back then, with the cheap then, $13.95,
26:27drive around to the window.
26:28I said, okay, I gotta put my battery cable back on.
26:31And I gotta start my car, turn it off and start it back.
26:34But I'll be around in about five minutes.
26:36I gotta put the battery cable on.
26:38Boom, boom, boom.
26:40Boom, boom, man.
26:42And some smoke went inside the drive-through window.
26:46Man, I think I almost killed everybody, man.
26:50They came to the window, coughing, and here's your order, saying,
26:55thank you for coming, Matt Dallas.
26:57And I was about to pull off, and my cousin said, hold on, cuz.
27:02Before you pull off, check your bag and make sure your order right.
27:07When you pull off, they'll get amnesia like you ain't, like you didn't order.
27:13I said, cuz, you said some real shit right there.
27:18So I pulled over, and I looked at my bag.
27:21I went, double cheeseburger, check.
27:23Double cheeseburger, check it, check.
27:26Double cheeseburger, check, check, check.
27:28Big Mac, check.
27:29Other Big Mac, check it, check.
27:32Riding fry one, check.
27:34Riding fry two, check.
27:36Fries come with the meal, check it, check.
27:40Diet Coke, check.
27:43Cuz, my shit here, check your order.
27:45My cousin went to her box, and he looked at her like eight, eight,
27:50and she got to that last box, and there was six McNuggets,
27:55and two little nuggets, it wasn't even no meat,
27:59and it was just two little crumbs and that shit.
28:02And my cousin snapped, hell nah.
28:09Hell motherfucking nah.
28:12Pulled around the front.
28:15Pulled around the motherfucking front.
28:20Pulled around the front.
28:21I said, I'm trying.
28:21Let me start my car up, put the battery cable back on.
28:23Calm the fuck down.
28:25Man, we pulled around the front, car smoking.
28:28I didn't even take the battery cable out.
28:30We just got in the car, we're still running.
28:33I kicked that motherfucking door open like swat.
28:38We walked in that summer bed, and we was in tandem.
28:40We need a manager.
28:42We need a manager right now.
28:44We need a manager right now.
28:46And those little white kids, they need two big Negroes standing up there talking.
28:50They got scared.
28:51They said, Richard, we need you.
28:56And Richard came out, and he handled that business.
28:59He had that tie.
29:00Hi, I'm Richard, the manager.
29:01Hi, can I help you?
29:02I was like, yeah, Richard, my cousin got a problem.
29:05Motherfucker.
29:06I ordered motherfuckers.
29:08Three eight-piece McNuggets.
29:10And one of my boxing McNuggets only had two.
29:12Six in it with two little grum mats in it.
29:15It's some bullshit.
29:16Richard, I need replications right now.
29:19I don't even know what the fuck replication is, Richard.
29:24And Richard stood back, showed us why he was a manager who would be terribly smart.
29:29And I don't know why you're just in order 24, but it's none of my business.
29:34My cousin said, I don't eat like that.
29:42You heard me.
29:43She don't eat like that.
29:44We both going in.
29:46This is what I can do.
29:47I'm going to make you, give you three more eight-piece McNuggets, and I'm going to put
29:52them in a 24 box so you can eat when you want to.
29:56I'll add a barbecue sauce, a sweet and sour sauce all in a large container with a ketchup.
30:01How would that sound with extra fries?
30:03And for you, sir, I'll give you three more writing fries and three more pieces, three more
30:08wrappers with cheese, double cheese, cheese.
30:12And a couple of more double cheeseburgers.
30:14How does that sound?
30:19Cool.
30:22Man, we ate like kings.
30:25We were so full, we laid at the slide at the playground where the kids were.
30:29The kid was mad and they ain't leaving.
30:31We were so full.
30:33My cousin was like, cuz, that was some good shit.
30:36We got to do that again.
30:40Apparently, I ain't having no gas money.
30:42The next time we did it, so we had to do the McDonald in our neighborhood.
30:47It didn't end the same.
30:48You know what I'm saying?
30:49We pulled up.
30:51My car was making that noise.
30:54This little girl in the car, can you turn that bullshit off?
30:58I knew right then we was in a world of trouble.
31:03May I help y'all?
31:04Yeah, can I get a number 11?
31:06Motherfucker, we ain't got no number 11.
31:10I said, yes you do, young lady, I'm so sorry.
31:13That's two number fours and a number three.
31:18She said, well, say that shit then.
31:21I said, okay, I thought you worked here a long time.
31:24You getting smart?
31:25No, I be scared.
31:28You can't get smart with them motherfuckers working in fast food.
31:31They put they ass all over your family.
31:33They put they dick in your french fries.
31:39I was trying to be, I was trying to fuck your shit up, pee in your shoulders and shit.
31:44So I was trying to be real polite.
31:47Hey, what would you want?
31:48317, baby.
31:51Three riding fries.
31:52What the fuck is a riding fry?
31:55Your fat ass just want, you want three extra fries because you're going to eat your regular fries on the
32:00way home.
32:03How'd you know?
32:06And I knew she was a little ignorant too because he was going to say, what type of dink?
32:10I was like, oh shit.
32:12What the hell is a dink?
32:15I was like, I'm sorry, what was that?
32:17What type of dink?
32:19I said, oh shit.
32:22I was looking at my cousin like, what's a dink?
32:26Shit, I don't know what a dink is.
32:27So I tried to be smart.
32:29I said, young man, I didn't even order a kid's meal.
32:32So if dink a toy, just don't worry about my dink.
32:37Just get my food.
32:40She going to act like she going to be quiet.
32:42This dumb motherfucker don't know what a dink is.
32:45So everybody in there knew what a dink is.
32:47Dink, motherfucker, dink.
32:49I was like, I'm sorry.
32:51I don't know what a dink is.
32:55She said, orange, sprite, parsley.
32:58I said, you mean you too lazy to put an R in a drink?
33:11Give me a diet coke.
33:13We ain't got no damn diet.
33:14We got orange, sprites, coke.
33:17Alright, just give me an orange.
33:18I don't want no goddamn trouble.
33:21My cousin, she going to try to do her thing.
33:24Give me three AP McNuggets.
33:27And the little girl said, bitch why don't you just ask for 24?
33:31Get your greedy ass.
33:32I know you fat, you sound like you fat.
33:36Through the inner crown.
33:39I said, first of all, you ain't gonna call me no bitch.
33:44He's like, bitch, bitch, they going back.
33:46Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
33:48I said, come on man, my car overheating.
33:53Somebody get the last bitch out so he can pull up to the window.
34:00He pulled up to the window to get out over the rack.
34:03And I had to turn my car off, turn it back up.
34:05Put the battery cable back up.
34:07Then we got it to the window.
34:08The black puss smoke went in.
34:10And she snapped.
34:11The smoke didn't even bother her.
34:12She wiped it out of the favor.
34:17And she gave us our bag, right?
34:19And my cousin said, we better check our shit.
34:22We open that bag up.
34:24That bitch gave us two salads.
34:35My cousin said, hell no.
34:40Hell, motherfucking no.
34:41Pulled around the front.
34:43Pulled around the motherfucking front.
34:45We went and that motherfucker kicked in the door.
34:47That little girl, wait for her.
34:49I was like, girl, you heard our order.
34:51What the fuck you give us two salads for?
34:52Cause y'all fat ass ain't need nothing but the goddamn salad.
35:04My cousin said, I need a manager.
35:07I need a manager.
35:08She said, bitch, I am the manager.
35:13I said, let's get on out of here.
35:15Cause this ain't gonna work for us today.
35:18And then I said, y'all napkins stinking.
35:20We got it out of there.
35:27I mean, man.
35:29Happy New Year to you, you know.
35:32You can still say that.
35:33It's still January.
35:36You gotta be excited about New Year.
35:39Some of y'all ain't fucking clapping.
35:40Like, you so fucking arrogant.
35:42You knew you was gonna live through another fucking year.
35:46Fucking cocky son of a bitch.
35:49A lot of people died right when it was a countdown, you know.
35:52I'm 55.
35:54I was counting down.
35:56And you see some people like, five.
36:02Two.
36:06two.
36:07One.
36:09The ball drop.
36:11They drop.
36:17Real.
36:18Real, man.
36:19You got to celebrate.
36:20If we're in 2024, we should have been off this earth a long time ago.
36:31you gotta celebrate we got you know we had christmas and all that new year we had thanksgiving
36:38our big big holidays and stuff you know you know and not separating my audience we black people
36:43got another holiday now we got juneteenth yeah yeah i mean i don't know any y'all celebrate
36:53did you celebrate it what you do take off work yeah i heard some lady i heard some lady on
37:00instagram
37:00pissed she was pissed why does black people need another holiday what's going on i think just shut
37:06up and take the day off i mean why why you bitching about a day off from work they didn't
37:12even want to
37:12take martin luther king holiday off i remember phoenix was mad arizona was mad about we don't want that
37:17holiday i said you gotta be real racist not to take a day off from work i'm telling you i'd
37:23take
37:23off a kooka's clan day shit where you going it's kooka's clan day i gotta go get my i gotta
37:33go get
37:33my hood out of the cleaner shit you get a free chick-fil-a snap if you got your hood
37:39on
37:45i don't know if that's true but if it is i'll be sitting up there in the drive-thru with
37:53poloniza
37:53sauce all over my hood
38:01because i'm gonna keep it real with you white folks black folks don't even know i know i don't
38:06know really what june teeth is i've heard the story about what it is what i heard was some
38:13unfree slaves had saw some free slaves walking by and the unfree slaves of course they were haters
38:19and said where you niggas gone and the free slave said us free and the unfree slave said when this
38:28happened here thursday that unfree slave ran to the door knock on the door master master
38:36boy why you ain't out there picking that goddamn cotton sir i will sir but you see them niggas
38:40over there they said they free i don't give a fuck i know who ain't fucking free now get your
38:46black ass out there picking that cotton sir do you know when we'll be free and that slave
38:50owner was a dirty motherfucker he said juneteenth he didn't give him a 13 14 he didn't give a 15
38:58he said juneteenth ain't no fucking number they still picking cotton it's june 30th is it june
39:0430th huh it's june 13 thank you non-black person who's trying to get you how the fuck you know
39:18it's june 13th all these black people didn't even know that you had june 13th no no no no no
39:28no you
39:29don't know you don't know you don't really think she's trying to sound smart like we gonna believe
39:34your ass huh what oh my god how many drinks have you had no something else in that fucking water
39:45i didn't understand nothing you just said
39:50ain't no what the fuck you just said that sounded like that sounded like a little tequila in your
39:56system some motherfucking something you've been drinking before you got in the building
40:03and you probably i don't want to fuck with you because you might be a motherfucking witch with that
40:08outfit huh i don't want you casting no spell on my i mean i can't stop eating taco bell and
40:17i'm
40:18shitting at the same time
40:28leave me alone i get stupor as the time goes by
40:33if you don't if you don't know nothing about me i'm a dumb motherfucker i'm not i'm not the one
40:38you
40:38keep talking because i'm very important this is my fucking show this ain't no fucking show
40:50i'll tell you right now i know a holiday that's gonna come into the leg it's not through the
40:55legislation yet but but but it's gonna be a holiday i'm sure it is and it's not a racist
41:02thing that i'm saying now because i know me and these little tissue paper filling ass people now
41:07you know he's talking about get the fuck out of here i remember when you can make jokes about
41:15everybody and everybody just moved on with their fucking life
41:24i remember before i became medium fat people had every fat joke in the world
41:29look at that fat motherfucker right there big old fat motherfucker
41:32i mean everything he could say about it look at him sweating he ain't even hot look at that
41:40where you're naked motherfucker i mean anything you know what i'm saying but now you you say
41:46anything about honest shit and joking we're boycotting you we're canceling you fuck you
42:00and i ain't never knew that you can videotape somebody doing some bullshit and it's inadmissible
42:06evidence you can put it and you go to court for some shit we got a picture of you eating
42:11a snicker bar and you're diabetic
42:19i mean it some of these brothers out here that had it i seen that brother he was in court
42:24and that judge gave him 19 days that nigga jumped over the
42:30i said i said black people too powerful you can jump because that fucking judge shit is like about seven
42:36feet up that sumbitch
42:38i said is this nigga from krypton
42:45i said i said that motherfucker should have been at the combine or trying to get in the nba
43:10with that kind of vertical your dumb ass sitting in court showing all that vertical string he's gonna be the
43:18shit on the penitentiary basketball team
43:25but but but I know the legislation this is gonna pass I know it is it ain't a racial thing
43:30but I know the new holiday gonna be celebrating the riverfront brawl I know it I know I know it
43:38and see people try to make it a color thing but I think it was just black people coming together
43:43to help a brother who lost his job that's all I think it was because if you ever watch and
43:48I
43:48want to give a shout out to the sumbitch who filmed the sumbitch whoever was filming that need an Emmy
43:55Oscar and a Golden Globe because they kept the camera still they got it from the beginning to
44:00the motherfucking end it was some of the best filming I ever seen in my life I was like that
44:07sumbitch need an award even they need an image award too hey they motherfuckers are incredible
44:15and I mean all this started off I'm gonna put his bottom back but I'm sitting there and the motherfucker
44:21was sitting out there he's asleep he nodding out looking at his watch shit I got two hours left on
44:27this damn job god damn I mean he nodding out Ernest the bass Ernest yes Mr. Walter what is it
44:35Ernest don't you see that ripple trying to get in there and park I just I didn't notice how the
44:39fuck you didn't notice a big-ass ripple full of people on it I'm sorry what's the problem you see
44:44them sumbitches over there with that damn poncho boat you got to tell them some bitches either pull
44:48the boat out of the water or put it back on the water so we can park this riverboat and
44:52he seen
44:52them motherfuckers over there that motherfuckers over there playing that guitar doing that
44:59all this
45:01hers don't even want to fuck with her they got them mothers and shit he know them sumbitches some good
45:06old boys and they about to cuss his ass out but he went over there for life there excuse me
45:13sir sir
45:16what the fuck is it sir I don't mean to disturb you I know y'all having a good time
45:21over here but uh my
45:23boss just called down told me uh you need to move your boat out of the water or pull it
45:28back on the
45:29water because you see that riverboat they're full of people they got to park here so you're gonna have
45:33to move out of the way he said I don't give a goddamn you son of a bitch I'm a
45:36taxpayer I pay my
45:37fucking taxes like everybody else and goddammit and I fought two turns in Iraq where I gave you
45:43the fucking right to sit on your black ass over there and then you want to come over here and
45:47fuck with me while I'm trying to have a good time with my brothers and shit you son of a
45:51bitch you
45:51better sit your black ass back down in that chair and mind your fucking business
45:57for me and my boys put the boots to you understand me
46:04Ernest said man I got an hour left on this job man I I I hear you brother I I
46:11I understand what
46:12you're saying but you need to move your boat sir I I don't know what you putting the boots on
46:17but
46:18you ain't gonna put no boots on me you need to move your boat right now and I'll tell you
46:21right now
46:22goddamn you see that boat right there that's a mastercraft pontoon boat I got a mercury outboard
46:26450 on that son of a bitch it cuts through that river like goddamn butter you son of a bitch
46:30it's
46:30a prize and possession of mine and I ain't moving my motherfucking boat with until I'm goddamn ready
46:35so you better go sit your black ass down I'm giving you one more goddamn warning or we gonna put
46:38the
46:39fucking boots to you understand me I'm gonna spend them two turns in Iraq for your uppity black ass to
46:43come over here and tell me anything you got it next thing you know one of the other good old
46:49boys
46:49heard him arguing he snapped he come running off the boat that you heard what the fuck you said you
46:55got that and gave him a knee drop to the chin and Ernest went back he shook that shit off
47:03he shook it off
47:05he was dazed for a minute then Ernest did a move I ain't never seen him in my life he
47:10took his hat off
47:11and threw it in the air I didn't know I didn't know what that head meant at first right but
47:19then
47:19I realized that meant this is my last day on the job because Ernest went back over that bitch he
47:28started putting in the work and he was fucking that boy up he was fucking his ass up but good
47:34old
47:34boys don't think it's a fair fight unless there's 15 on him you know what a boy he was talking
47:40to
47:40said Bobby Lee Ronnie Lee Jerry Lee hell Bruce Lee come on out that goddamn boat we need some backup
47:47over
47:48here he's over here fucking up he's over here fucking up buddy Lee get him get him you know they
47:55started stomping Ernest they had him on the ground they was putting the boots to him they wasn't really
47:59boots they was crocs but they was putting the crocs to him they was fucking Ernest up but unbeknownst to
48:07them unbeknownst to them they had all they meant last day on the job but they also had another symbol
48:15for for the national Negro Avengers to assemble with every black person in the world came out
48:25from land air and sea yes a Negro came out of the water it was a brother swimming I ain't
48:34even know
48:35this motherfucker was swimming in Timberland I ain't even know they had swim Timbs
48:45and that son of a bitch was in shape because he jumped out of that water kicked off the boots
48:49and
48:49went right to the fight man I know I ain't in that kind of shape if I swam all the
48:54way over there
48:54I'd have to lean on something to catch my breath come on babe we got a boy I'll be over
49:00there
49:00save me some yeah who you see me swimming around this motherfucker and they would be
49:09they ass when when Johnny Lee looked up he looked up and seen all these niggas he thought he'd been
49:17teleported to Wakanda and them black folks was fucking his ass up they beat all their ass dragged the girls
49:26off the boat they was fucking their ass up too everybody was getting a prime fuck up they was fucking
49:31their ass
49:31stole the keys to the boat they was beating their ass they was hey they was all laying on the
49:37ground and he and Johnny Lee thought it was over he thought it was over and next thing you know
49:43Uncle Earl came out of nowhere looking like stone cold Steve Austin
49:48he had glitter and shit behind him with a folded chair he started fucking motherfuckers up it was already knocked
49:54out
49:54he was fucking their ass up like like Mario brother
50:01poor white girl was in the ambulance getting medical attention he hit that bitch
50:08I'm already in the ambulance now you need it bitch
50:12I knew they were gonna tase Uncle Earl
50:16they tased him but Earl had just lost his job a couple weeks ago he fell down with pride he
50:22was smiling when he got electric
50:25fell down with the chair
50:29and they didn't know
50:30you know finally the melee went over
50:33Johnny Lee limped home with his Crocs rolled up his leg
50:37they went from Crocs to knee-high socks
50:41he limped all the way home
50:44his brother Ricky Bobby sitting on the porch
50:47his brother Ricky Bobby said
50:49god damn Johnny Lee
50:51look like you had a fucking fight
50:53with a bobcat and a gorilla
50:57Johnny Lee said worse
50:59he said worse than a bobcat and gorilla
51:02what could that be
51:03he said niggas
51:07Ricky Bobby said god damn niggas didn't touch your ass
51:09it didn't that god damn F-150 go down there and put the boots to him
51:13not today
51:16we already tried that
51:19it was going good but
51:21I'm gonna tell you right now
51:22I didn't know how it was gonna end
51:25I was sitting up there having a good time
51:27playing air guitar and I was jamming
51:29having a jam session with all my boys
51:31and this uppity nigga came over there telling me we had to move our fucking boat
51:35you know my mastercraft outboard
51:36my pontoon boat with the outboard
51:40mercury 450 that can cut through the river like butter
51:42you know that fucking boat
51:43we out there bass fish having a good time
51:45we had pulled in there to park
51:47Jerry Lee had to go pee
51:48so we just having a good time
51:50we ain't never minding our fucking business
51:51uppity nigga gonna come tell me
51:53I had to move my boat
51:54and I told that son of a bitch
51:55I was a tax payer
51:56and I ain't move my boat
51:57did you let him know you did two turns in Iraq
51:59you got damn right I told him I did two turns in
52:02and that son of a bitch didn't have
52:03no respect for the armed forces
52:05and I told his black ass
52:07you better get the fuck away
52:08and he came over twice
52:09and I had to warn his ass twice
52:11but that second time
52:12goddamn buddy Lee came around the corner
52:14like a bat out of hell
52:15and hit that fucking nigga right in the chin
52:17with his knee one of them perfect UFC
52:20Conor McGregor fucking knee kicks
52:22in the fucking chin
52:23and I thought they was gonna knock his fucking ass out
52:25but the son of a bitch had a chin like a cement block
52:28he shook that shit off
52:30and he backed up
52:31and he threw his hat up in the air
52:32I don't even know what the fuck that meant
52:35he came back over there
52:37putting the work on Bobby Lee
52:38he was beating his ass
52:39but then I called all the boys off
52:41and it was Jerry Lee's birthday
52:42what other way to celebrate your birthday
52:43with a little hate crime
52:44so he and we over there
52:46stomping the fuck out
52:47I wish we had our work boots on
52:48but we had our Crocs on
52:49they wasn't doing as much damage
52:51as they could have did
52:52but damn it
52:53they were putting it in work
52:54when I looked up though
52:55that hat must have meant something else
52:57because I turned around
52:59and there were so many niggas around me
53:01I thought we were teleported to Farrakhan's house
53:05these niggas were coming from land, air, and sea
53:11Ricky Bobby said
53:12hold on Bobby
53:12hold on Bobby Lee
53:14what the fuck do you mean
53:15Johnny Lee
53:16what do you mean by land, air, and sea
53:18you talking about sea
53:19somebody tread water over there
53:21he was on a boat
53:21fucking all this fucking niggas swam
53:23he swam like a black aquaman
53:25some bitch jumped out of the water
53:27I thought it was a catfish with a jerry curl
53:29I didn't know what the fuck it was
53:31and some bitch came over there
53:33fucking our ass up too
53:34they were beating the fuck out of our ass
53:37I mean they beat Sarah and their sister's ass
53:39they beat all our fucking ass
53:41and you know
53:42I was scared for my life
53:43so I did what I did in Iraq
53:45you know I turned in Iraq
53:47even though it was in the cafeteria
53:51I did what I did
53:52when they came in there
53:53rushing the cafeteria
53:54over the potatoes
53:56I played dead
53:57so I played dead
54:00they finally stopped kicking us
54:01and I thought it was over
54:03next thing you know
54:04I heard Stone Cold Steve Austin music
54:05and I thought it was Stone Cold
54:07I said finally we got some backup
54:08I look up
54:09it was a nigger with a fucking
54:10fucking Stone Cold food and cheer
54:12fucking knocking us out more
54:14he was beating
54:14we were already fucking freshly knocked out
54:16this fucking hit this floor
54:18hit Sarah's sister in the ambulance
54:20she was already fucking
54:21getting medical attention
54:23I was scared for my life
54:24so what I did
54:25played dead again
54:31I was so happy
54:32when they chased that son of a bitch
54:33I didn't know what to do
54:35and finally I was able to get home
54:36and I'm going to tell you right now
54:39Crocs ain't for fighting
54:42but if we'd ever
54:43beating up on a nigger
54:45and that son of a bitch throw up
54:46and throw his hat in the air
54:48let's get the fuck out of there
54:51thank you ladies and gentlemen
54:52I've been LaBelle
54:53proper
54:53y'all been running
55:04ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:08ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:13ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:15ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:17I had to practice
55:18I did it in advance
55:19you can't stop me
55:20cause I'm feeling like the man
55:21ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:23I had to practice
55:24I did it in advance
55:25if I did it once
55:26I can do it all again
55:28you can't stop me
55:29I'm feeling like the man
55:30ain't nobody working harder than I am
55:32I had to practice
55:33I do it in advance
55:34if I did it once
55:35I can do it all again
55:36you can't stop me
55:37I can do it again
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