The comedian returns home to a sold-out audience in Chicago, to burn modern-day society through the lens of his old-world Italian-American upbringing.
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #sebastianmaniscalco #sebastianmaniscalcocomedy #sebastianmaniscalcostandup
#comedy #standupcomedy #standup #sebastianmaniscalco #sebastianmaniscalcocomedy #sebastianmaniscalcostandup
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FunTranscript
00:01:05And when we picked this beautiful theater for this special, I told my father, you know,
00:01:10I'm going to do the special.
00:01:15In Chicago, I'm going to do it downtown.
00:01:18He didn't say, you know, I'm proud of you.
00:01:20Congratulations.
00:01:21Congratulations.
00:01:22He said, where are these people going to park?
00:01:41But it's good to be home.
00:01:43I love this city.
00:01:44There's certain cities I do not like going to.
00:01:47I'm not a Vegas guy.
00:01:48I know a lot of people love to go to Vegas for a weekend.
00:01:52I don't know.
00:01:58You can see a good portion of the population that descends on Las Vegas over a year.
00:02:05And I'm here to tell you, we're in trouble.
00:02:06Okay?
00:02:07We're in trouble as a nation.
00:02:09If you look at Las Vegas.
00:02:11I don't know.
00:02:12Is anybody embarrassed anymore?
00:02:14Is there any embarrassment?
00:02:17Huh?
00:02:22Is there any shame?
00:02:25I'm checking into a $2 billion property.
00:02:29Right?
00:02:29Beautiful.
00:02:31Italian marble.
00:02:33Five-star restaurant.
00:02:35Chihuly art hanging from the ceiling.
00:02:41And I look to my left at the check-in thing.
00:02:44And there's a group checking in with an igloo cooler.
00:02:56Right?
00:02:57Not even a new one.
00:02:58Duct tape on the handle.
00:03:04Ten cases of Schlitz.
00:03:10George Foreman grill.
00:03:15What are you going to do?
00:03:17Grilled chicken in the room?
00:03:20Aren't you embarrassed?
00:03:24Nah.
00:03:28The place reeks of cash.
00:03:33Sammy Davis.
00:03:35Frank Sinatra used to come.
00:03:36Tuxedo.
00:03:38Cufflinks.
00:03:39And you brought chicken thighs?
00:03:47So I'm like, you know what?
00:03:48Let me go relax at the pool.
00:03:50Or to the pool area.
00:03:52Now, I don't know how you people do the pool.
00:03:54But when I go to like a public pool, hotel pool.
00:03:56I go away from the people.
00:03:57I don't go near people.
00:03:59I don't chit chat.
00:04:01All right?
00:04:02I know a lot of people like to go in the midst of people.
00:04:05Oh, hi.
00:04:09Oh, we love the weather.
00:04:11We come once a year.
00:04:13I don't do this shit.
00:04:14Okay?
00:04:16I go away from it.
00:04:19I set up in my own little corner.
00:04:21I got three towels.
00:04:22I start making the thing.
00:04:24Huh?
00:04:25Like a fitted sheet.
00:04:26Everything.
00:04:29Tucked in.
00:04:31Meat.
00:04:34I brought a book.
00:04:36I see people doing this on vacation.
00:04:38They bring a book to the pool.
00:04:40Ever see these people?
00:04:41I watch.
00:04:42I go, how are they reading here?
00:04:43118 degrees.
00:04:44They're reading a full blown book.
00:04:47So I'm like, you know what?
00:04:48Let me try this.
00:04:49Let me bring a book to the pool.
00:04:51So I sit down.
00:04:52I open up my book.
00:04:53Now, my biggest problem?
00:04:54I can't mind my own business.
00:04:58I'm a half away through the first page.
00:05:01And I start looking around like, what the fuck did I do?
00:05:04What is this?
00:05:06Why are they doing that?
00:05:09There's a group of guys came down loud.
00:05:12I'm not into loud people.
00:05:14I heard them before I saw them.
00:05:16It's this group.
00:05:17The high five group.
00:05:19You ever get this group that comes down?
00:05:20No.
00:05:24Why?
00:05:25You're 42 years old.
00:05:26Why are you high fiving?
00:05:28You're at the pool.
00:05:29You didn't score a touchdown.
00:05:31What are you high fiving people for at the pool?
00:05:38And they sit right next to me.
00:05:40I'm like a magnet for these types.
00:05:42Right?
00:05:43They sit right next to me.
00:05:45Now I'm honed in on this group.
00:05:47Guy took his shoe off.
00:05:49Four band-aids on his foot.
00:05:57How does it get to four band-aids?
00:05:59How does this happen?
00:06:02After one band-aid, isn't that a hospital visit?
00:06:05What are you trying to fix at your home with four band-aids?
00:06:15One box of band-aids should last your entire life.
00:06:20This is a one-time purchase.
00:06:25When you die, you should have leftover band-aids for generations to come.
00:06:37And I'm thinking, if this guy gets into the pool with his band-aids on,
00:06:45they're going to have to drain the pool and refill it.
00:06:49I'm not getting into the pool with band-aid juice floating on top of the pool.
00:06:54All right?
00:06:55I don't know what's underneath the band-aids.
00:07:01There's always a band-aid.
00:07:02There's always a loose band-aid in the pool.
00:07:06It will find you.
00:07:08You'll be talking, hanging out, right?
00:07:11The damn thing will just come in.
00:07:13You're like, oh, God!
00:07:16It's a band-aid!
00:07:19Get it away from me!
00:07:20Get it away from me!
00:07:25You're wearing band-aids.
00:07:26You should be disallowed in the pool area.
00:07:30Okay?
00:07:31But this is the country, people.
00:07:34This is what we're living in.
00:07:35We are in trouble.
00:07:37Igloo coolers and band-aids.
00:07:40Okay?
00:07:40No wonder the Chinese are winning.
00:07:43All right?
00:07:45Something's going on in the country.
00:07:47It's got to be the internet.
00:07:48It's got to be the internet.
00:07:50Internet's bringing out people we never even knew existed.
00:07:55Thirty years ago, people never left the house.
00:07:58They were in their basement talking to themselves.
00:08:14They didn't leave.
00:08:16They had no outlet.
00:08:20Now you give them the internet?
00:08:22They have an outlet to the rest of the world.
00:08:27Now they're in chat rooms.
00:08:40Where are people getting the time to do half of the stuff they're doing online?
00:08:45People are living on the computer.
00:08:49Writing reviews on restaurants that they go to.
00:08:55You got nothing going on with your life.
00:09:01I don't know.
00:09:02Me and my wife, we go out to dinner.
00:09:04I'll tell her right there, salmon sucked.
00:09:07Let's get the fuck out of here.
00:09:08That's it.
00:09:17We don't run home and tattletale on the restaurant.
00:09:23Who's got this time to write an 18-page essay on asparagus?
00:09:29Who's doing this?
00:09:36This internet, there's something for everybody, right?
00:09:40You got some weird fetish, some weird thing you do?
00:09:45Look at how weird it just got in here, huh?
00:09:48Some of you are into this type of behavior.
00:09:52But if you like something weird, you like to, if you're an adult, you like to dress up as a
00:09:57baby,
00:09:58there's a website for you.
00:10:0230 years ago, if you like to dress up as a baby, nobody knew that.
00:10:09You did that in the privacy of your own home.
00:10:12If you ever came out of your house with a diaper on, your neighbor would go,
00:10:16look at this shit, call the FBI, get this shit out of the neighborhood, right?
00:10:23It was handled.
00:10:28But today, just throw it up in the Google, I like to dress up as a baby.
00:10:35Next thing you know, they're at the Hilton on a Saturday with 863 people that like to do this shit.
00:10:48Something's wrong in the contrary, okay?
00:10:53Where do people get the time?
00:10:56Look around you.
00:10:58Everybody's just walking around.
00:11:11Taking a photo of yourself?
00:11:15They call it a selfie?
00:11:17I can't even say the word without sweating.
00:11:20I can't stand the word.
00:11:23I call it taking a lonely.
00:11:27Do you know how alone you gotta be?
00:11:33That you can't find anybody to take a photo?
00:11:39That you got 838 photos of yourself in your bathroom?
00:11:47What are you doing?
00:11:49What are you doing?
00:11:58Nobody's working.
00:12:02Nobody's working.
00:12:04We got people in this country hanging outside movie theaters for four days for a movie to come out.
00:12:10Friday's the release date.
00:12:12They're there Tuesday.
00:12:13They got a tent.
00:12:14They're setting up a little picnic area, generator, sleeping bag.
00:12:21And they're dressed as the character in the movie.
00:12:29Who's doing this?
00:12:32My family, my friends.
00:12:33Nobody does this.
00:12:36Nobody does this.
00:12:40Okay?
00:12:41I've never called my buddy, Frankie.
00:12:42What are you doing?
00:12:43Eh, nothing.
00:12:43I'm dressed as Batman.
00:12:46I've been sleeping in a tent.
00:12:50I got the cape on eBay for 18 grand.
00:12:58I live in Los Angeles.
00:13:00I see it on a day-to-day.
00:13:01Celebrity goes on trial.
00:13:03Downtown at a courtroom.
00:13:04You got people outside the courtroom marching around with signs.
00:13:10Justice for Lindsay!
00:13:13Justice for Lindsay!
00:13:19No job?
00:13:23You got nowhere to be on a Monday at 8.30 in the morning?
00:13:30I never made a sign.
00:13:34Have you?
00:13:37I never wrote on a cardboard box my feelings.
00:13:45Stapled it to a stick.
00:13:47Drove the stick somewhere.
00:13:50And marched around in a circle for 12 hours.
00:13:54Justice for Lindsay!
00:14:00Some of you are laughing at this.
00:14:02Some of you are not.
00:14:03Listen, if you're laughing, you're on board.
00:14:05If you're not, you're the fucking problem.
00:14:06I'm sorry.
00:14:09Okay?
00:14:13I'm looking at some of you.
00:14:14You're like,
00:14:15I don't know why this is funny.
00:14:16I dress up as Batman.
00:14:18And I have an igloo cooler.
00:14:20I don't know what's so funny about this.
00:14:27The world doesn't match my upbringing.
00:14:29Okay?
00:14:29I'm here to tell you that.
00:14:31I grew up with an immigrant family.
00:14:34My father's Sicilian.
00:14:35My mother's Italian.
00:14:36I gotta clarify that.
00:14:37All right?
00:14:40Half Sicilian, half Italian.
00:14:42But if you talk to my father,
00:14:44you're Sicilian.
00:14:44You're Sicilian.
00:14:45Okay, Dad.
00:14:46Relax.
00:14:49They instilled work ethic into me at a young age.
00:14:52Young.
00:14:53If you come from immigrants,
00:14:54they don't play around with the work.
00:14:55Okay?
00:14:56I've been working since I've been eight.
00:14:57Eight years old,
00:14:58these people put me to work.
00:15:01I don't know what was going on.
00:15:02I was watching cartoons on a Saturday.
00:15:04My father walked in the living room.
00:15:05He's like,
00:15:05hey,
00:15:05go start a business.
00:15:09Now?
00:15:16Right?
00:15:21They never bought us anything.
00:15:23I come from middle class upbringing.
00:15:24They never bought us a damn thing.
00:15:27They told us who had what we wanted
00:15:30in the neighborhood.
00:15:36I'm like,
00:15:36Dad,
00:15:36can we get a dog?
00:15:37Dog?
00:15:38Yeah.
00:15:38Two houses down.
00:15:39I got a dog.
00:15:44You want to pet an animal?
00:15:45You walk two houses down.
00:15:47You pet their dog.
00:15:49And then you come back here
00:15:50and cut my lawn.
00:15:52What?
00:15:53What lawn?
00:15:54Why?
00:15:55What does the lawn have to do with a puppy?
00:15:58What are you talking about?
00:16:03There was no napping growing up.
00:16:05Once you were up,
00:16:06you were up.
00:16:07Okay?
00:16:09Not like today
00:16:09where the kids are,
00:16:10I'm going to go take a nap.
00:16:15The mother's like,
00:16:16that's okay,
00:16:17Justin.
00:16:17Go take a nap.
00:16:20You've been up for two hours now.
00:16:22You're probably exhausted.
00:16:26So go upstairs,
00:16:29lay down,
00:16:30refresh,
00:16:31and come back down
00:16:33when you're good and ready
00:16:34to operate your day.
00:16:40Not my family, okay?
00:16:42Father been living up my ass
00:16:45my entire life.
00:16:48Constantly on me,
00:16:49questioning me.
00:16:50I was an altar boy.
00:16:51He questioned that, right?
00:16:53He's like,
00:16:53do they pay you for this shit
00:16:55at the church?
00:16:57You making any scratch?
00:17:00I had asked a priest for a raise.
00:17:02I said, listen,
00:17:03we know what's going on here.
00:17:04You're collecting a lot of cash
00:17:06during the mass
00:17:07and nobody's getting a cut.
00:17:09We need something, okay?
00:17:12The priest says,
00:17:13we don't pay for mass.
00:17:14We pay for funerals.
00:17:16I said,
00:17:16then put me
00:17:17on the funeral circuit.
00:17:18I'll start working funerals,
00:17:20okay?
00:17:22That's what I was doing.
00:17:25I was working three,
00:17:26four funerals a week
00:17:27during my lunch hour.
00:17:29During my lunch hour,
00:17:31I would have to wolf down
00:17:32my lunch,
00:17:33which was impossible to do
00:17:34because I had the Italian lunch,
00:17:36okay?
00:17:37My lunch had to be refrigerated
00:17:39in the teacher's lounge,
00:17:40all right?
00:17:41Or it would spoil.
00:17:43I had to fill out
00:17:44a special form
00:17:47that the school
00:17:48wasn't responsible
00:17:49if the veal piccata
00:17:51spoiled
00:17:53in the refrigerator.
00:17:55All right?
00:17:56I had real silverware.
00:18:01Nobody wanted to trade
00:18:03at lunch.
00:18:03Everybody had like
00:18:04American, you know,
00:18:06Ho-Ho Twinkies.
00:18:08I said,
00:18:09anybody want some
00:18:10S cookies?
00:18:10I got S cookies.
00:18:14Stelladora.
00:18:16Nobody wants this.
00:18:19And my mother would say,
00:18:20make sure you dip those
00:18:21in coffee.
00:18:22Coffee.
00:18:24Ma,
00:18:25they don't serve coffee
00:18:26in the lunchroom.
00:18:29I'm in third grade.
00:18:35I'll pack you some coffee then.
00:18:43So I would eat the lunch,
00:18:44run over to the church,
00:18:46work a full funeral.
00:18:48All the other kids
00:18:49having a ball,
00:18:51meeting friends for life.
00:18:54And here I am,
00:18:55eight years old,
00:18:56over a corpse
00:18:57with incense.
00:19:17The guy never pays full price
00:19:20for anything.
00:19:22My father constantly
00:19:24looking for a deal.
00:19:28Went to the dentist.
00:19:30Sitting down at the dentist.
00:19:32The dentist told him,
00:19:33listen,
00:19:33you need a crown.
00:19:35It's going to be about
00:19:36$800.
00:19:37My father's like,
00:19:38put a crown.
00:19:41I could get the crown.
00:19:46I got a crown guy.
00:19:50Crown guy.
00:19:54Yeah,
00:19:54I'll bring in the part
00:19:55and I'll pay you
00:19:56for the labor.
00:19:57I'll pick cash.
00:19:58What?
00:19:59It's not a body shop.
00:20:09Beautiful garden growing up,
00:20:11though.
00:20:11Beautiful.
00:20:12We never went to the grocery store.
00:20:13We grew it.
00:20:16Right in the backyard.
00:20:17Beautiful.
00:20:18Tomato.
00:20:19String bean.
00:20:21All right,
00:20:22little zucchini.
00:20:23You want some fruit?
00:20:24You picked it off the tree.
00:20:32But at night,
00:20:33we found out
00:20:33something was going on
00:20:34in our garden.
00:20:35There was a little raccoon.
00:20:36Something.
00:20:38Something was nibbling
00:20:40on my father's tomatoes.
00:20:42Okay?
00:20:43It was a big deal.
00:20:44We had a family meeting
00:20:45about it.
00:20:48Most American families,
00:20:49they'll call up Orkin.
00:20:51We'll just call Orkin.
00:20:54They'll come set up
00:20:55some traps.
00:20:57Then they'll release
00:20:58the animal
00:20:58back into the wild
00:21:00so it could reunite
00:21:01with its family.
00:21:05My father's like,
00:21:06listen,
00:21:07we're going to murder
00:21:08this motherfucker.
00:21:09Huh?
00:21:15We're going to put
00:21:16antifreeze on baloney.
00:21:20What?
00:21:23Why, Papa?
00:21:24Why?
00:21:26Because it eats
00:21:27the intestines.
00:21:28That's why.
00:21:30Now go get the antifreeze
00:21:32in the garage.
00:21:33We're going to make
00:21:34a sandwich
00:21:34for our friends tonight.
00:21:39Woke up in the morning,
00:21:40birds,
00:21:41squirrels,
00:21:43raccoons,
00:21:43murdered
00:21:44all over the property.
00:21:48Neighbors coming by,
00:21:50have you seen our cat?
00:21:51Nah,
00:21:52we haven't seen shit.
00:21:54Does it like baloney?
00:22:02We sent a message.
00:22:05Okay?
00:22:07Trap don't send a message.
00:22:10Antifreeze makes it clear
00:22:12we ain't playing around
00:22:14with our zucchinis.
00:22:16Okay?
00:22:19Old world upbringing.
00:22:22Superstitious.
00:22:23God,
00:22:23my family's superstitious.
00:22:24I remember,
00:22:25once I got my first car,
00:22:27it was a 1984
00:22:29Celica.
00:22:29Toyota Celica
00:22:30GT
00:22:31shit brown.
00:22:33Right?
00:22:35Soon as I got it,
00:22:36my father hung a red horn
00:22:38from the rear view
00:22:38mirror of the car.
00:22:39Right?
00:22:40Just a red horn
00:22:42dangling.
00:22:42I go,
00:22:42what are you doing?
00:22:43This looks like,
00:22:43it looks like his foot
00:22:44on the loco.
00:22:45The eye.
00:22:45So nobody gives you
00:22:46the eye.
00:22:47I go,
00:22:48what eye?
00:22:48The fucking eye!
00:22:50The fucking eye!
00:22:56Italians,
00:22:56Sicilians,
00:22:57they believe
00:22:57if somebody looks at you,
00:22:59they could literally
00:23:00give you bad luck
00:23:01just on a look.
00:23:03All right?
00:23:04So now we have to have
00:23:06defense mechanisms.
00:23:07Okay?
00:23:09I dated girls
00:23:09who weren't even Italian.
00:23:11They'd get into the car,
00:23:12they're like,
00:23:13why do you have a red pepper
00:23:14hanging from your rear view mirror?
00:23:16What is this all about?
00:23:20And I'd have to explain,
00:23:21nah,
00:23:22it's for the demons,
00:23:23you know?
00:23:29So nobody looks at you
00:23:30and cripples your soul.
00:23:37You don't have that
00:23:38in your family?
00:23:40No?
00:23:46It was all old world.
00:23:49No real medication
00:23:51at the house.
00:23:53I didn't know
00:23:54what was going on.
00:23:55I got a fever.
00:23:56My mother started
00:23:57cutting potatoes.
00:23:59Right?
00:24:01She would put slices
00:24:03of potatoes
00:24:05with a rag.
00:24:10But don't we have
00:24:12any Tylenol?
00:24:14Why are potatoes
00:24:16on my head?
00:24:21I just,
00:24:21I grew up,
00:24:22I was covered
00:24:23in Vicks.
00:24:26We have vats
00:24:27of Vicks.
00:24:28They would just
00:24:30rub.
00:24:32Just rub me.
00:24:35They would boil water,
00:24:37they would drop
00:24:37the Vicks
00:24:39in the water,
00:24:40then I would have
00:24:41to hover over
00:24:41to water.
00:24:43Right?
00:24:45183 degrees.
00:24:48Breathing.
00:24:48And a beach towel
00:24:49would come over
00:24:50my head.
00:24:50I'm like,
00:24:51I can't breathe.
00:24:53I can't breathe.
00:24:54Get it off.
00:24:55They would just
00:24:55hold me there.
00:24:57Stay.
00:24:58Stay.
00:24:59I can't.
00:25:01I can't breathe.
00:25:02Don't we have halls?
00:25:03We need halls.
00:25:13But as odd
00:25:14as this upbringing
00:25:15might have,
00:25:16might have been,
00:25:18they taught me
00:25:19passion.
00:25:20They taught me
00:25:21whatever you do
00:25:21in life,
00:25:22you do it
00:25:25138%.
00:25:25You give it
00:25:26your all.
00:25:27Yeah.
00:25:31Pride.
00:25:33Pride in life.
00:25:33Pride in work.
00:25:34You look around now,
00:25:35nobody's working.
00:25:36The people that
00:25:37are working,
00:25:38they don't want
00:25:38to beat her.
00:25:40Go to the airport.
00:25:41The people that
00:25:41work at the airport
00:25:42upset that we
00:25:44even showed up
00:25:45to fly.
00:25:47I've never seen
00:25:48an angrier group
00:25:49of people in my life.
00:25:51Soon as you walk
00:25:52into the terminal,
00:25:53they're tapping
00:25:54each other.
00:25:55Look at the...
00:25:59They brought bags.
00:26:00They got bags!
00:26:09I can't take
00:26:10the airport,
00:26:10especially now
00:26:11with these families,
00:26:12especially now.
00:26:12Summertime,
00:26:13the families,
00:26:13they're coming out
00:26:14like ants.
00:26:15Ants!
00:26:16With these little kids.
00:26:18Enough with these
00:26:18little kids
00:26:19on an airplane.
00:26:20Okay?
00:26:20One week old
00:26:21with placenta on it
00:26:23going to Hawaii.
00:26:24For why?
00:26:35And what happened
00:26:36to fathers in this
00:26:37country?
00:26:38Their balls have
00:26:38been detached
00:26:39and thrown in a
00:26:41purse somewhere.
00:26:42What is going on
00:26:42with the fathers?
00:26:45I'm looking at
00:26:46this family check-in.
00:26:47The wife is doing
00:26:48everything.
00:26:49She's lifting
00:26:50the heavy bags.
00:26:51She's doing
00:26:53the ticketing,
00:26:54the boarding passes,
00:26:55and the father's
00:26:56off to the side
00:26:57like a dunce
00:26:59sitting there
00:26:59with his son
00:27:00hanging off his chest
00:27:02in some type
00:27:03of kangaroo sack.
00:27:11Honey, do you...
00:27:12Oh, I'm sorry.
00:27:13I didn't mean to speak.
00:27:13I'll just sit here
00:27:15like an idiot.
00:27:17I'd breastfeed
00:27:18if I could.
00:27:19You know that.
00:27:26It's even happening
00:27:27with my own friends.
00:27:29I call my buddy.
00:27:30I go,
00:27:30what'd you do today?
00:27:31Well, I went to
00:27:31the parent-teacher
00:27:33conference.
00:27:34Parent-teacher
00:27:35conference.
00:27:36My father didn't
00:27:38even know
00:27:38where the school
00:27:39was.
00:27:43He'd often ask me,
00:27:45what grade are you in?
00:27:46Where are you at?
00:27:53Another buddy's
00:27:54got a man cave
00:27:54he can't stop
00:27:55talking about.
00:27:56Oh, you gotta come by.
00:27:57Got my man cave.
00:28:00Go down there,
00:28:01watch the game
00:28:02on Sunday.
00:28:03Got my beer
00:28:04in my little koozie.
00:28:06Man cave.
00:28:08You're bragging
00:28:09about a man cave?
00:28:11My father had a man cave.
00:28:13It was the house.
00:28:21There was never,
00:28:22change the channel,
00:28:24Dad.
00:28:24We didn't do that.
00:28:25We watched
00:28:26whatever he was watching.
00:28:28We sat there,
00:28:30watched it.
00:28:31All right?
00:28:32Five years old,
00:28:32I'm watching 60 minutes
00:28:34going,
00:28:35this is terrible
00:28:36what's going on
00:28:37in Lebanon,
00:28:38huh?
00:28:38There.
00:28:45It was time
00:28:46for me to check in,
00:28:48right?
00:28:48Now,
00:28:48the check-in process
00:28:49at the airport,
00:28:50they don't want to look
00:28:51at you,
00:28:51head down,
00:28:52right?
00:28:53No smile,
00:28:53nothing.
00:28:54I feel like I'm working.
00:28:56Right?
00:28:56I feel like
00:28:57I work at United.
00:28:58Hi,
00:28:59how you doing?
00:29:00Right?
00:29:02The only time
00:29:03they get happy
00:29:04is when the bag
00:29:05goes over
00:29:05the weight allowance.
00:29:06They love telling you
00:29:08you're going to owe
00:29:08extra on this bag.
00:29:12And you know
00:29:13it's heavy.
00:29:13When you're packing it
00:29:14at home,
00:29:15you tell your wife,
00:29:15we're never going to
00:29:16make it with the,
00:29:17it's okay,
00:29:17I'll go,
00:29:18I'll go,
00:29:19Right?
00:29:25It's so heavy,
00:29:26right?
00:29:26You put it up there
00:29:27and you know
00:29:27it's heavy
00:29:28so you kind of
00:29:28try and release it.
00:29:30You do that like
00:29:31kind of soft release
00:29:32like that's going to
00:29:33take,
00:29:35take weight
00:29:35off the bag.
00:29:39And her mood changes.
00:29:40She's like,
00:29:41Ooh,
00:29:44I'm sorry.
00:29:47Your bag is
00:29:49two pounds over.
00:29:50You're going to
00:29:50have to take
00:29:51two pounds
00:29:52out of your bag.
00:29:54Now,
00:29:55like an idiot,
00:29:56I got to
00:29:56open up my bag
00:29:58in front of
00:29:59187 people.
00:30:02I don't know
00:30:03what two pounds is.
00:30:07I'm taking out
00:30:08a boot,
00:30:09a sock,
00:30:10toothpaste.
00:30:12Is this
00:30:13two pounds?
00:30:15Does anybody
00:30:16know what
00:30:17two pounds is?
00:30:18They're going to
00:30:19charge me
00:30:19an extra
00:30:20$8,000.
00:30:24You think
00:30:25the boot's
00:30:26a half a pound?
00:30:29I'm like,
00:30:29I go,
00:30:29Where do you
00:30:30want me to
00:30:30put this?
00:30:33She's like,
00:30:33Put that in
00:30:34your carry-on.
00:30:36I said,
00:30:36It's still
00:30:37going on
00:30:37the plane.
00:30:42What does
00:30:42it matter?
00:30:43If it's
00:30:44on top
00:30:44or underneath,
00:30:45the guy
00:30:46behind me
00:30:46is 500 pounds.
00:30:47That doesn't
00:30:48matter?
00:30:57My sock
00:30:58is going to
00:30:58take the
00:30:59plane
00:30:59into the
00:31:00Pacific,
00:31:00but you
00:31:01prepared for
00:31:02this type
00:31:02of weight?
00:31:05It's a
00:31:05scam.
00:31:09Every part
00:31:10of that
00:31:10airport
00:31:11bothers me.
00:31:13The TSA,
00:31:14the security
00:31:15checkpoint.
00:31:17This is
00:31:18what's
00:31:18guarding
00:31:18our country.
00:31:19Have you
00:31:20seen
00:31:21what's in
00:31:22the blue
00:31:22shirts
00:31:22at O'Hare?
00:31:25Do you
00:31:26feel safe
00:31:26with this
00:31:27type of
00:31:27security?
00:31:29I've been
00:31:29all over the
00:31:30world,
00:31:30Egypt,
00:31:31Lebanon,
00:31:32Beirut.
00:31:33I've been
00:31:33all over.
00:31:34The security
00:31:35in their
00:31:35airports,
00:31:36unbelievable.
00:31:37All military,
00:31:38neat hats,
00:31:40machine guns.
00:31:50Have you
00:31:51seen our
00:31:51first line
00:31:52of the
00:31:52phone?
00:31:55You see
00:31:56the first
00:31:56guy they
00:31:57send out?
00:31:57Take out
00:31:58your laptop!
00:32:07Your liquids,
00:32:08your creams,
00:32:09your gels.
00:32:25can we
00:32:25leave the
00:32:26shoes on?
00:32:27Have you
00:32:27seen
00:32:27people's?
00:32:29Have you
00:32:29seen
00:32:30people's
00:32:30face?
00:32:34Guy
00:32:34took his
00:32:35shoe off,
00:32:35looked like
00:32:36he had a
00:32:36machete
00:32:36hanging off
00:32:37his toe.
00:32:38I swear
00:32:38to God,
00:32:39like he
00:32:39could cut
00:32:43provolone.
00:32:46Just a
00:32:47thin
00:32:50slice
00:32:52of
00:32:52provolone.
00:32:57How does
00:32:58your toenail
00:32:58get to this
00:32:59point?
00:33:01Don't you
00:33:01glance down
00:33:02and go,
00:33:03shit,
00:33:03I gotta cut
00:33:04cut this
00:33:04before it
00:33:05starts
00:33:05coming
00:33:05through my
00:33:06shoes.
00:33:10These are
00:33:10basic
00:33:11skill sets.
00:33:17But I
00:33:18got a fear
00:33:18of flying.
00:33:20My biggest
00:33:21fear,
00:33:21I'm gonna die
00:33:22in a crash.
00:33:23Right?
00:33:24But this
00:33:24Malaysia thing
00:33:25freaked me out.
00:33:26Two months
00:33:26ago,
00:33:27this thing
00:33:27went down,
00:33:28nobody could
00:33:28see it.
00:33:29Right?
00:33:29Nobody could
00:33:29find it.
00:33:30Where's
00:33:30this damn
00:33:30thing?
00:33:31They tell
00:33:32me before
00:33:33I fly,
00:33:33your seat
00:33:34could be
00:33:34used as
00:33:35a flotation
00:33:36device.
00:33:37Where are
00:33:37these seats?
00:33:39They can't
00:33:40find 283
00:33:41seats floating
00:33:42in the ocean?
00:33:43Where do
00:33:43the seats
00:33:43go?
00:33:46What do
00:33:46you do
00:33:47though?
00:33:47You're
00:33:47on a
00:33:47plane,
00:33:48it loses
00:33:49control,
00:33:50and you
00:33:50start heading
00:33:51for the
00:33:52ocean,
00:33:52right?
00:33:52You're
00:33:53on the
00:33:53plane.
00:33:54Oxygen
00:33:55comes down,
00:33:56people start
00:33:57breathing.
00:34:01Me?
00:34:02I'm
00:34:03hanging
00:34:03myself.
00:34:07Gone.
00:34:13You
00:34:13think I'm
00:34:14hitting the
00:34:14water at
00:34:156,000 miles
00:34:16per hour?
00:34:17What does
00:34:17that feel
00:34:18like?
00:34:18I'll
00:34:19take the
00:34:19hanging.
00:34:20Okay?
00:34:21I'll
00:34:22take the
00:34:22hanging.
00:34:25But
00:34:26knowing my
00:34:26luck,
00:34:27I'd
00:34:27hang
00:34:27myself,
00:34:28the
00:34:28pilot
00:34:28would
00:34:28regain
00:34:29control,
00:34:31and I'd
00:34:32be the
00:34:32only idiot
00:34:33hanging for
00:34:34seven hours
00:34:35on the
00:34:35way to
00:34:36Beijing.
00:34:38With
00:34:39people ringing
00:34:40the call
00:34:40button,
00:34:40do you
00:34:40want to
00:34:41get him
00:34:41down?
00:34:42He
00:34:42keeps
00:34:42swinging
00:34:43into my
00:34:44area.
00:34:45I'm
00:34:45trying to
00:34:46eat my
00:34:46cashews
00:34:47and watch
00:34:48Frozen.
00:34:49Could
00:34:49you unwind
00:34:50him?
00:34:50He
00:34:51keeps
00:34:51hitting
00:34:52my
00:34:52train.
00:34:59So I
00:35:00got this
00:35:00upbringing,
00:35:01I got
00:35:01this weird
00:35:02way of
00:35:02looking at
00:35:03the world,
00:35:03right?
00:35:04Finally
00:35:05found someone
00:35:06who could
00:35:06deal with
00:35:07me.
00:35:07I got
00:35:07married last
00:35:08year and
00:35:08I'm happier
00:35:09than shit,
00:35:10I gotta tell
00:35:10you.
00:35:15my wife is
00:35:17an angel,
00:35:18okay?
00:35:18A complete
00:35:19angel that
00:35:20did the
00:35:21total opposite
00:35:22of me,
00:35:22okay?
00:35:23Loves
00:35:24people.
00:35:26Loves
00:35:27people.
00:35:28She's from
00:35:28the south.
00:35:29She's always
00:35:30smiling.
00:35:31She's like
00:35:31a dog.
00:35:32She likes
00:35:32to play.
00:35:33She likes
00:35:33to come
00:35:34out and
00:35:34play.
00:35:36I'm like
00:35:37a cat.
00:35:38I love
00:35:38to hide.
00:35:42her friends
00:35:43come over,
00:35:44they're like
00:35:44comfortable.
00:35:46Right?
00:35:47I like
00:35:47people at
00:35:48the house,
00:35:48but like
00:35:48her friends
00:35:49stay long.
00:35:51Like my
00:35:52friends,
00:35:52my friends
00:35:53after the
00:35:53game,
00:35:54they're gone.
00:35:54Hers,
00:35:55they're like,
00:35:55oh,
00:35:56I'll just
00:35:56sleep.
00:35:57No,
00:35:57no,
00:35:57no,
00:35:58no.
00:36:04Her
00:36:04friends like
00:36:05open the
00:36:05refrigerator.
00:36:06I'm sorry,
00:36:07I didn't
00:36:07grow up that
00:36:08way.
00:36:08You don't
00:36:08open anybody.
00:36:09else's
00:36:11refrigerator.
00:36:12Right?
00:36:14The
00:36:15refrigerator
00:36:16and the
00:36:16master bedroom
00:36:17you don't
00:36:18look at.
00:36:20You ever
00:36:20get a tour
00:36:21of somebody's
00:36:21house and
00:36:22this is
00:36:22the master
00:36:23and you're
00:36:23like,
00:36:23oh,
00:36:24okay.
00:36:25You don't
00:36:26go in there
00:36:27and go,
00:36:27oh,
00:36:27this is where
00:36:27you fuck?
00:36:28You fuck
00:36:29here?
00:36:31Right here?
00:36:33No.
00:36:34You just
00:36:35skip it
00:36:35and you
00:36:36move on
00:36:37to the
00:36:38baby's
00:36:38room.
00:36:42No,
00:36:43a friend
00:36:43came over
00:36:43the other
00:36:44night,
00:36:44she goes in
00:36:46there,
00:36:46she starts
00:36:47shopping,
00:36:48like it's
00:36:48Juul.
00:36:49Right?
00:36:50Took out a
00:36:51bowl of
00:36:51cherries,
00:36:52beautiful
00:36:52cherries,
00:36:53just bought
00:36:53them.
00:36:53Right?
00:36:54I didn't
00:36:54even get
00:36:54to taste
00:36:55them.
00:36:56What I
00:36:56like to do
00:36:57is I
00:36:57like to
00:36:57take out
00:36:57the
00:36:58cherries,
00:36:58put them
00:36:58in a
00:36:58separate bowl,
00:36:59give them a
00:36:59nice wash
00:37:00and slip
00:37:01those in
00:37:01the
00:37:01refrigerator.
00:37:02Right?
00:37:05This one
00:37:05takes out
00:37:06the
00:37:06cherries,
00:37:07she's
00:37:07eating
00:37:07the
00:37:07cherries
00:37:07and
00:37:08she's
00:37:08talking
00:37:08to me
00:37:08and my
00:37:09wife.
00:37:09Now,
00:37:09it's all
00:37:10over my
00:37:10face.
00:37:12I can't
00:37:12hide it.
00:37:14I'm
00:37:14sitting there,
00:37:15I go,
00:37:15I go to the
00:37:16bathroom.
00:37:16Now I go
00:37:16hide.
00:37:17I go,
00:37:17like a cat,
00:37:18I go
00:37:18somewhere
00:37:18else.
00:37:20My wife
00:37:20has to
00:37:20come get
00:37:21me.
00:37:21She's
00:37:21like,
00:37:21why?
00:37:22Would
00:37:22you come
00:37:22out here?
00:37:23I go,
00:37:24she's
00:37:24eating
00:37:24a
00:37:24cherry.
00:37:28How does
00:37:29she know
00:37:29I'm not
00:37:30making a
00:37:30cherry pie
00:37:31with that?
00:37:36But that's
00:37:37why I fell
00:37:37in love
00:37:38with my
00:37:38wife.
00:37:39Totally
00:37:39different.
00:37:40I'll come
00:37:41home and
00:37:41the pizza
00:37:42delivery guy
00:37:43will be
00:37:43in the
00:37:43house
00:37:44while my
00:37:45wife goes
00:37:46to our
00:37:46secret stash
00:37:48and pays
00:37:49him.
00:37:49I go,
00:37:50why is
00:37:50the delivery
00:37:51guy in
00:37:53our kitchen?
00:37:57I didn't
00:37:58grow up
00:37:58with delivery
00:37:58people.
00:38:00I was
00:38:00the delivery
00:38:01person.
00:38:05My
00:38:05father
00:38:06would
00:38:06order
00:38:06a
00:38:06pizza
00:38:07in
00:38:07January,
00:38:08right?
00:38:0938
00:38:09below
00:38:10outside.
00:38:12And he
00:38:12would
00:38:12tell me,
00:38:12go get
00:38:13the
00:38:13pizza.
00:38:14It's
00:38:14going to
00:38:14be
00:38:14ready.
00:38:15In
00:38:1530
00:38:16minutes,
00:38:16I
00:38:16just
00:38:16ordered
00:38:17the
00:38:17pizza.
00:38:18I
00:38:19go,
00:38:19they
00:38:19got
00:38:19delivery,
00:38:20why
00:38:20don't
00:38:20you
00:38:21just,
00:38:21I'm
00:38:22going to
00:38:22pay
00:38:22delivery
00:38:23when
00:38:23I
00:38:23got
00:38:23you.
00:38:24Go
00:38:24get
00:38:24the
00:38:25pizza.
00:38:34but
00:38:35the
00:38:35customer
00:38:35service,
00:38:36right?
00:38:37I run
00:38:38into it
00:38:39a lot,
00:38:39customer
00:38:39service,
00:38:40because I
00:38:40handle in
00:38:41my house
00:38:41all the
00:38:42hookups,
00:38:43internet,
00:38:44whatever we
00:38:44need,
00:38:44gas,
00:38:45I do
00:38:45all that.
00:38:46Got on
00:38:46the phone
00:38:47with the
00:38:47cable people,
00:38:48right?
00:38:49I don't
00:38:49know if
00:38:49you ever
00:38:49try hookup
00:38:50cable over
00:38:51the phone
00:38:52with these
00:38:52people.
00:38:53There's
00:38:53a
00:38:54pre-recorded
00:38:54message that
00:38:55says,
00:38:55we're
00:38:55going to
00:38:56monitor
00:38:56the call
00:38:57for quality
00:38:58assurance,
00:38:59right?
00:39:00So as
00:39:01soon as
00:39:01I get a
00:39:01live
00:39:01operator,
00:39:02I tell
00:39:02them,
00:39:03just so
00:39:03you know,
00:39:04I'm
00:39:04recording
00:39:05the call
00:39:05on my
00:39:05end too,
00:39:06okay?
00:39:07You
00:39:08got me,
00:39:09I got
00:39:09you,
00:39:10behave.
00:39:11Behave.
00:39:15So the
00:39:16next morning,
00:39:17I come
00:39:17down for
00:39:17breakfast,
00:39:18I got a
00:39:18guy in
00:39:19my yard
00:39:19already,
00:39:20cable guy's
00:39:21in the yard
00:39:21already.
00:39:22My wife
00:39:22is like,
00:39:22what is
00:39:23he doing?
00:39:23I don't
00:39:24know.
00:39:24Now I
00:39:25handle that.
00:39:26That's
00:39:26another thing
00:39:26you handle
00:39:27as a
00:39:27husband.
00:39:27You got
00:39:28a guy
00:39:28in your
00:39:28yard,
00:39:29you take
00:39:29care of
00:39:29that.
00:39:30You
00:39:30don't
00:39:30send
00:39:30your
00:39:30wife,
00:39:31oh,
00:39:31let's
00:39:31see,
00:39:33go out
00:39:34there.
00:39:39As a
00:39:39husband,
00:39:40you have
00:39:40to handle
00:39:41stuff.
00:39:42You make
00:39:43reservations
00:39:43to a
00:39:44restaurant,
00:39:45as the
00:39:45man,
00:39:46you check
00:39:46in.
00:39:47You go
00:39:47right up
00:39:47to,
00:39:47I got
00:39:48a two
00:39:48man
00:39:48a
00:39:49skunk
00:39:49up
00:39:49tonight.
00:39:50You
00:39:50got that?
00:39:51You don't
00:39:52send your
00:39:52wife.
00:39:53I see
00:39:53it all
00:39:53the
00:39:53time.
00:39:54Wives
00:39:55go up.
00:39:55Hi,
00:39:56we're here
00:39:56two for
00:39:57Johnson.
00:39:59It's ready.
00:40:00Honey,
00:40:00you want
00:40:00to,
00:40:01it's ready,
00:40:02honey,
00:40:02you want
00:40:03to come
00:40:03up here?
00:40:12handle
00:40:13handle it.
00:40:15So I
00:40:16handle the
00:40:16cable guy.
00:40:17I come
00:40:17outside in
00:40:18the air.
00:40:18What's
00:40:19going on?
00:40:19What are
00:40:19you doing?
00:40:21I can't
00:40:22do it.
00:40:23I can't
00:40:23do it.
00:40:25I can't
00:40:25get it.
00:40:26The cable,
00:40:27I can't
00:40:28get it.
00:40:30What?
00:40:33You
00:40:33don't
00:40:34come to
00:40:34the
00:40:34door
00:40:34or
00:40:35introduce
00:40:35you.
00:40:35So how'd
00:40:36you get
00:40:36back
00:40:36here?
00:40:40I
00:40:40can't
00:40:41do it.
00:40:41I
00:40:41got to
00:40:41take a
00:40:42break.
00:40:43Break,
00:40:43you
00:40:43didn't
00:40:43do
00:40:43nothing.
00:40:47He's
00:40:47telling me
00:40:47he can't
00:40:48hook the
00:40:48cable up
00:40:49because the
00:40:49cable's in
00:40:50my
00:40:50neighbor's
00:40:50yard.
00:40:51I
00:40:51got to
00:40:52ask my
00:40:52neighbor if
00:40:53it's
00:40:53okay for
00:40:54him to
00:40:54go get
00:40:54the
00:40:55cable.
00:40:55I
00:40:55go,
00:40:55Julio,
00:40:56you broke
00:40:56into
00:40:57my
00:40:57yard.
00:40:58Can't
00:40:59you just
00:40:59break into
00:41:00his?
00:41:01It's
00:41:01your
00:41:02cable.
00:41:02Go get
00:41:03the
00:41:03damn
00:41:03thing.
00:41:04I
00:41:04can
00:41:05do
00:41:05it.
00:41:11So me
00:41:12and Julio
00:41:12go over
00:41:13to my
00:41:14neighbor.
00:41:14I
00:41:14just
00:41:14moved
00:41:15into
00:41:15the
00:41:15neighborhood.
00:41:16I
00:41:16don't
00:41:16even
00:41:16know
00:41:16the
00:41:16guy.
00:41:17I
00:41:18knocked
00:41:18on
00:41:18the
00:41:18door.
00:41:18The
00:41:18guy
00:41:19came
00:41:19to
00:41:19the
00:41:19door,
00:41:19had
00:41:20a
00:41:20full
00:41:20medical
00:41:20mask
00:41:21on.
00:41:24If
00:41:24you
00:41:24have
00:41:24a
00:41:25medical
00:41:25mask
00:41:26on,
00:41:26and
00:41:27you
00:41:27answer
00:41:27the
00:41:27door,
00:41:28that's
00:41:28got
00:41:28to
00:41:28be
00:41:29the
00:41:29first
00:41:29thing
00:41:29out
00:41:30of
00:41:30your
00:41:30mouth.
00:41:31Okay?
00:41:31Why
00:41:32you
00:41:32got
00:41:32this
00:41:32damn
00:41:33thing
00:41:33on?
00:41:35I
00:41:35come
00:41:36to
00:41:36my
00:41:36door
00:41:36with
00:41:36a
00:41:36medical
00:41:37mask.
00:41:37take
00:41:37it
00:41:37down.
00:41:38Listen,
00:41:38doing
00:41:38some
00:41:38painting
00:41:38in
00:41:39the
00:41:39garage
00:41:40gets
00:41:40into
00:41:40my
00:41:40lungs.
00:41:41That's
00:41:41why
00:41:41I
00:41:41got
00:41:42the
00:41:42mask.
00:41:43This
00:41:44guy
00:41:44nothing
00:41:44on
00:41:45the
00:41:45mask.
00:41:46Started
00:41:46talking
00:41:47through
00:41:47the
00:41:47mask.
00:41:49He's
00:41:49like,
00:41:49what's
00:41:50going
00:41:50on?
00:41:50I
00:41:51go,
00:41:51no,
00:41:51no,
00:41:51no.
00:41:52What's
00:41:52going
00:41:53on
00:41:53in
00:41:53here?
00:41:58I
00:41:58just
00:41:58bought
00:41:59the
00:41:59joint
00:41:59next
00:41:59door.
00:42:00Do I
00:42:00got to
00:42:00put it
00:42:01up
00:42:01for
00:42:01sale?
00:42:02Why
00:42:02the
00:42:02hell
00:42:02do you
00:42:03got
00:42:03a
00:42:03medical
00:42:04mask
00:42:04on
00:42:05on
00:42:05a
00:42:06Monday
00:42:06morning?
00:42:07Okay?
00:42:07Let's
00:42:08get
00:42:08into
00:42:08that.
00:42:09I'm
00:42:09going
00:42:09to
00:42:09send
00:42:09Julio
00:42:10in
00:42:10your
00:42:10yard.
00:42:10Is
00:42:11he
00:42:11going
00:42:11to
00:42:11come
00:42:11out
00:42:12with
00:42:12no
00:42:12head?
00:42:13What
00:42:13are
00:42:13you
00:42:14doing
00:42:14with
00:42:15the
00:42:15mask?
00:42:19I
00:42:20live
00:42:20in
00:42:20the
00:42:20negative.
00:42:21Live
00:42:22in
00:42:22the
00:42:22negative.
00:42:23My
00:42:24wife
00:42:24is
00:42:24in
00:42:24the
00:42:25positive.
00:42:26Okay?
00:42:26Came
00:42:27back
00:42:27to
00:42:27our
00:42:28house.
00:42:28I
00:42:28said,
00:42:28put
00:42:28the
00:42:29for
00:42:29sale
00:42:29sign
00:42:29up.
00:42:30There's
00:42:30a
00:42:30guy
00:42:30with
00:42:30a
00:42:30medical
00:42:31mask
00:42:31living
00:42:32next
00:42:32door.
00:42:35She's
00:42:35like,
00:42:35maybe
00:42:36he
00:42:36has
00:42:36a
00:42:36respiratory
00:42:37problem
00:42:38and
00:42:38that's
00:42:38why
00:42:39he
00:42:39has
00:42:39the
00:42:39mask.
00:42:40I
00:42:40go,
00:42:40or
00:42:40maybe
00:42:41he's
00:42:41got
00:42:4116
00:42:42bodies
00:42:42in
00:42:43drums
00:42:43in
00:42:44formaldehyde
00:42:45in
00:42:46his
00:42:46basement.
00:42:47Put
00:42:47the
00:42:47sign
00:42:48up.
00:42:48We're
00:42:48moving.
00:42:55You
00:42:56can't
00:42:56give
00:42:57any
00:42:57customer
00:42:57service
00:42:58with
00:42:58the
00:42:58cable.
00:42:59Here,
00:42:59I
00:43:00went
00:43:00to
00:43:00Chipotle
00:43:01a
00:43:01couple
00:43:01weeks
00:43:01ago.
00:43:02Love
00:43:03Chipotle.
00:43:03They
00:43:04make
00:43:04a
00:43:04really
00:43:05nice
00:43:05burrito
00:43:06over
00:43:06there.
00:43:07It's
00:43:07so
00:43:08terrific
00:43:08that
00:43:09the
00:43:10employees
00:43:10can't
00:43:10stop
00:43:11eating
00:43:11it.
00:43:11The
00:43:12employees
00:43:13are
00:43:13never
00:43:13working.
00:43:14They're
00:43:14always
00:43:14in
00:43:14the
00:43:14dining
00:43:15room
00:43:15eating.
00:43:17They
00:43:17walk
00:43:17in
00:43:17there
00:43:17and
00:43:18you're
00:43:18like,
00:43:18where
00:43:18are
00:43:18the
00:43:18workers?
00:43:19The
00:43:20only
00:43:20guy
00:43:20behind
00:43:21there
00:43:21is
00:43:21the
00:43:22guy
00:43:22cutting
00:43:22chicken
00:43:23just
00:43:23looking
00:43:23at
00:43:23you.
00:43:32Right?
00:43:33He's
00:43:33not
00:43:33trained
00:43:34on
00:43:34burrito
00:43:35building.
00:43:40And I'm
00:43:41watching
00:43:41the people
00:43:42order.
00:43:42I mean,
00:43:43there's a
00:43:43sneeze
00:43:43glass there,
00:43:44right?
00:43:45But people
00:43:45always hook
00:43:46the arm
00:43:47over the
00:43:47glass.
00:43:48I'll have
00:43:49corn.
00:43:49I'll have
00:43:50more
00:43:51corn.
00:43:52Just say
00:43:53corn.
00:43:55It's
00:43:55not
00:43:56sound
00:43:56proof.
00:43:57It
00:43:57goes
00:43:57right
00:43:57over
00:43:58the
00:43:58glass.
00:43:59Get
00:44:00your
00:44:00claw
00:44:01out
00:44:01of
00:44:01the
00:44:02salsa.
00:44:07And
00:44:08nobody
00:44:08talks
00:44:09to the
00:44:09Chipotle
00:44:09people.
00:44:11There's
00:44:11no
00:44:11conversation
00:44:12that
00:44:13happens.
00:44:13They
00:44:14listen
00:44:14to the
00:44:14same
00:44:15shit
00:44:15eight
00:44:16hours
00:44:16a day.
00:44:17Steak,
00:44:18beans,
00:44:19cheese,
00:44:20gone.
00:44:21I've
00:44:22never
00:44:22seen
00:44:22anything
00:44:23like
00:44:23this.
00:44:26It's
00:44:26like
00:44:27you're
00:44:27not
00:44:27even
00:44:29it's
00:44:29like
00:44:29a
00:44:29robot.
00:44:32Chicken,
00:44:33peppers,
00:44:34lettuce.
00:44:38And
00:44:39the
00:44:39employees
00:44:41all
00:44:52day
00:44:53long.
00:44:58And
00:44:58God
00:44:58forbid
00:44:59if you
00:44:59ask for
00:45:00guacamole,
00:45:01oh my
00:45:01God.
00:45:03The whole
00:45:04store goes
00:45:04into a
00:45:05panic attack.
00:45:06They don't
00:45:07even know
00:45:07how to tell
00:45:08you it's
00:45:08extra money,
00:45:09right?
00:45:10Put some
00:45:11guac on
00:45:12that.
00:45:12Ah.
00:45:16It's a
00:45:17dollar
00:45:17eighty
00:45:17extra.
00:45:19Is that
00:45:19okay?
00:45:21Yeah.
00:45:22It's
00:45:22okay.
00:45:30Most
00:45:30stressful job
00:45:31at Chipotle
00:45:32has to be
00:45:32wrapping
00:45:33these damn
00:45:33things,
00:45:33right?
00:45:34by the
00:45:35time the
00:45:35wrapper
00:45:36gets it,
00:45:37his
00:45:37employees
00:45:38have
00:45:39populated
00:45:40the
00:45:41burrito
00:45:41with so
00:45:42much
00:45:42ingredients
00:45:43the
00:45:43guy
00:45:44can't
00:45:44even
00:45:44find
00:45:45the
00:45:45tortilla.
00:45:50Starts
00:45:50sweating.
00:45:51He's
00:45:51like,
00:45:51how am
00:45:51I
00:45:51going to
00:45:52wrap
00:45:52this
00:45:52damn
00:45:53thing?
00:45:54Right?
00:45:54It's a
00:45:55workout.
00:45:55He's
00:45:55got to
00:45:56get
00:45:56down,
00:45:57got to
00:45:57use
00:45:57some
00:45:58quads,
00:45:59little
00:45:59core.
00:46:00Start
00:46:01talking
00:46:02and
00:46:03fold.
00:46:03Talk
00:46:04and
00:46:04fold.
00:46:08It
00:46:09took me
00:46:0923
00:46:10minutes
00:46:10to get
00:46:10a
00:46:11burrito
00:46:11out
00:46:11of
00:46:11this
00:46:11place.
00:46:12Right?
00:46:13I
00:46:13felt
00:46:13at the
00:46:14end
00:46:14of
00:46:14this
00:46:14Chipotle
00:46:15owed
00:46:15me
00:46:16something.
00:46:17So
00:46:17I
00:46:18asked
00:46:18for
00:46:18a
00:46:18water.
00:46:18filled
00:46:19it
00:46:19up
00:46:19with
00:46:19Coca-Cola.
00:46:23Least
00:46:24they
00:46:24could
00:46:24do.
00:46:2523
00:46:25minutes
00:46:26in
00:46:26line.
00:46:26I
00:46:27go to
00:46:27the
00:46:27Coca-Cola
00:46:28machine
00:46:28and
00:46:28I
00:46:28stare
00:46:29at
00:46:29them
00:46:29while
00:46:29I
00:46:29fill
00:46:30it.
00:46:35Coca-Cola
00:46:36in
00:46:36the
00:46:36see-through
00:46:37glass.
00:46:37What
00:46:37are you
00:46:37going to
00:46:38do?
00:46:38What
00:46:38are you
00:46:38going to
00:46:38do
00:46:38about
00:46:39it?
00:46:46It's
00:46:46everywhere
00:46:46you go.
00:46:47Went to
00:46:47Best Buy
00:46:48looking
00:46:48for a
00:46:48TV.
00:46:51Salesman
00:46:52came out.
00:46:52He had
00:46:52one of
00:46:53these
00:46:53eyeballs.
00:46:54These
00:46:55fucked
00:46:55up
00:46:55eyeballs
00:46:55looking
00:46:56into
00:46:56the
00:46:56kitchen
00:46:56area.
00:46:58Listen,
00:46:59if you
00:46:59got a
00:46:59fucked
00:46:59up
00:46:59eyeball
00:47:00and
00:47:00you're
00:47:00in
00:47:00sales,
00:47:01you
00:47:01got to
00:47:01tell me
00:47:01that right
00:47:02off the
00:47:02bat.
00:47:02Okay?
00:47:03You
00:47:04have to
00:47:04open
00:47:04with
00:47:04that.
00:47:05Listen,
00:47:05I
00:47:06know my
00:47:06eyeballs
00:47:06looking
00:47:07into
00:47:07DVDs
00:47:08right
00:47:08now.
00:47:09And I
00:47:10could
00:47:10say,
00:47:10okay,
00:47:10what
00:47:11eyeball
00:47:11can I
00:47:11trust?
00:47:12Where
00:47:12do I
00:47:12need
00:47:12to
00:47:12be?
00:47:14What
00:47:15eyeball
00:47:15do you
00:47:15think
00:47:16is
00:47:16going
00:47:16to
00:47:16start
00:47:16looking
00:47:17at
00:47:17the
00:47:17Samsung?
00:47:18Tell
00:47:19me.
00:47:20I'm
00:47:20confused.
00:47:22I
00:47:22need
00:47:22an
00:47:22eyeball.
00:47:28But
00:47:29that's
00:47:29how I
00:47:29got my
00:47:29wife.
00:47:31My
00:47:31wife
00:47:31chills
00:47:32me
00:47:32out.
00:47:32Alright?
00:47:33She's
00:47:33from the
00:47:34South.
00:47:34She's
00:47:34Spanish.
00:47:35She's
00:47:35Jewish.
00:47:36Who
00:47:36knew
00:47:36these
00:47:36people
00:47:37even
00:47:37existed,
00:47:37man?
00:47:40Spanish
00:47:40Jew
00:47:41from the
00:47:41South?
00:47:42I
00:47:42didn't
00:47:42even
00:47:42think
00:47:42the
00:47:42Jews
00:47:43went
00:47:43down
00:47:43there.
00:47:49But
00:47:49Italians
00:47:50and
00:47:50Jews,
00:47:51very
00:47:51similar.
00:47:52You
00:47:52know,
00:47:53people
00:47:53say,
00:47:54same
00:47:54corporation,
00:47:55different
00:47:56division.
00:47:56Alright?
00:47:58We
00:47:58get
00:47:59along.
00:47:59There's
00:48:00an
00:48:00obvious
00:48:00thing
00:48:01with
00:48:01the
00:48:01religion.
00:48:02I
00:48:02went
00:48:02to
00:48:02my
00:48:02first
00:48:03Passover
00:48:04dinner.
00:48:05She's
00:48:05like,
00:48:05my
00:48:05mother's
00:48:06going to
00:48:06have
00:48:06Passover.
00:48:07Okay,
00:48:07we'll
00:48:07go to
00:48:08the
00:48:08dinner.
00:48:097
00:48:1030,
00:48:10we
00:48:10sit
00:48:10down
00:48:11at
00:48:11her
00:48:11mother's
00:48:12house.
00:48:12I'm
00:48:12starving.
00:48:14Right?
00:48:15Starving.
00:48:16They
00:48:17start
00:48:17passing
00:48:17out
00:48:18pamphlets,
00:48:18like
00:48:19reading
00:48:19material.
00:48:23I'm
00:48:24like,
00:48:24what's
00:48:24going
00:48:24on?
00:48:25What
00:48:25are we
00:48:25doing
00:48:25here?
00:48:25What's
00:48:25with
00:48:26the
00:48:27table?
00:48:27She's
00:48:27like,
00:48:27no,
00:48:27we
00:48:28read
00:48:28for
00:48:28two
00:48:29hours.
00:48:30I
00:48:33said,
00:48:33listen,
00:48:34I'm
00:48:34Italian.
00:48:34As
00:48:34soon as
00:48:34I
00:48:34sit at
00:48:35a
00:48:35table,
00:48:35I
00:48:35gotta
00:48:36have
00:48:36bread
00:48:36within
00:48:3615
00:48:37seconds
00:48:37of
00:48:37sitting
00:48:38down.
00:48:38Alright?
00:48:41I
00:48:42need
00:48:43something to
00:48:43do with
00:48:44my
00:48:44right
00:48:44hand.
00:48:45I need
00:48:46some
00:48:47oil
00:48:47coming out.
00:48:48We got
00:48:48oil?
00:48:49I need
00:48:49oil.
00:48:49Now.
00:48:51Hungry.
00:48:54And
00:48:54the food
00:48:55they start
00:48:55bringing
00:48:56out.
00:48:56God,
00:48:57terrible.
00:48:57Terrible food.
00:49:00Jews have
00:49:01no idea
00:49:01what the hell
00:49:02they're doing
00:49:02in the kitchen.
00:49:04These people
00:49:04have no
00:49:04cuisine.
00:49:06Celery,
00:49:07crackers,
00:49:08jam.
00:49:09I'm like,
00:49:09what is it?
00:49:10We're losing.
00:49:11People are
00:49:11leaving.
00:49:12We need food.
00:49:19After breakfast,
00:49:20they fall apart,
00:49:20the Jews.
00:49:21After a bagel,
00:49:22cream cheese,
00:49:22lox,
00:49:23where are they going?
00:49:23They got nothing.
00:49:24They have
00:49:25nothing.
00:49:27Has anybody
00:49:27ever said to you,
00:49:29we went to this
00:49:29Jewish restaurant
00:49:31last night?
00:49:36The
00:49:37gefilte?
00:49:38Amazing.
00:49:45I
00:49:45respect the Jews,
00:49:46but let's just have
00:49:47the Italians
00:49:48cater to Passover meal.
00:49:49All right?
00:49:51Come on.
00:49:56I could read
00:49:57for a couple
00:49:57of hours
00:49:58with some meatballs
00:49:59on the table.
00:50:00oh,
00:50:01oh.
00:50:10Well,
00:50:10when I first
00:50:11met my wife,
00:50:11I had some secrets.
00:50:14I couldn't share
00:50:15them.
00:50:16Everybody's got a
00:50:17secret in the room.
00:50:18Everybody.
00:50:18Everybody here
00:50:19has a secret.
00:50:22Especially that lady.
00:50:28My secret?
00:50:30I couldn't digest
00:50:30dairy.
00:50:31Okay?
00:50:32Something you can't
00:50:33share first month
00:50:34of date,
00:50:34and you can't be
00:50:35out to dinner
00:50:35and go,
00:50:36listen,
00:50:36I can't have
00:50:37any dessert.
00:50:37I'm going to
00:50:38shit the bed
00:50:38tonight.
00:50:39All right?
00:50:39All right?
00:50:40All right?
00:50:41All right?
00:50:45No,
00:50:46you just eat
00:50:46the dessert
00:50:47and you deal
00:50:47with the consequences
00:50:48later on.
00:50:49All right?
00:50:54Went back
00:50:54to her place,
00:50:55started to watch
00:50:56a movie.
00:50:59Halfway through
00:50:59the movie,
00:51:00the dairy
00:51:01starts dancing.
00:51:02All right?
00:51:06I had to ask
00:51:07her real cool.
00:51:07This is in the beginning
00:51:08where you have to be
00:51:09cool with everything.
00:51:11You're like,
00:51:12listen,
00:51:12you got a bathroom?
00:51:13Or something like that?
00:51:18I don't know why
00:51:19you got a bathroom
00:51:19or something like that?
00:51:21Something I could use?
00:51:25Hoping she would say,
00:51:26yeah,
00:51:26it's down the hall
00:51:27to the right
00:51:27and then you go outside.
00:51:33She's like,
00:51:34no,
00:51:34it's just around the corner.
00:51:35You want me to pause
00:51:36the movie?
00:51:36I said,
00:51:37no,
00:51:37actually,
00:51:37could you turn it up
00:51:38a little bit?
00:51:41Turn it up.
00:51:43Want to hear the acoustics
00:51:44in the bathroom?
00:51:47So I would lock the door.
00:51:49I would put the water
00:51:50on in the bathroom,
00:51:51get some noise going.
00:51:55I later told her,
00:51:56right?
00:51:57I said,
00:51:57yeah,
00:51:57I had a dairy problem.
00:51:58She's like,
00:51:59dairy?
00:51:59I thought you had OCD.
00:52:01I thought you were
00:52:02constantly washing your hands.
00:52:06Washing my hands.
00:52:07I was farting into your towels.
00:52:16Anything to muffle this sound,
00:52:19just...
00:52:21Oh, God,
00:52:22I hope she doesn't wash
00:52:23her face with that.
00:52:27I can't go back out there.
00:52:29It's rancid.
00:52:31It's so rancid.
00:52:42But it's fun.
00:52:44It's fun being married,
00:52:46sharing my life.
00:52:47What a beautiful woman.
00:52:49All my friends got married
00:52:51when they were real,
00:52:52real young.
00:52:52In their early 20s,
00:52:54they all started families,
00:52:55start popping out kids.
00:52:56I was the last guy
00:52:57to get married.
00:52:59All right?
00:53:00So they were excited
00:53:01for the bachelor party.
00:53:03You know,
00:53:03married guys with kids,
00:53:05they're looking
00:53:05for a prison break,
00:53:07right?
00:53:09The phone started
00:53:10ringing off the hook.
00:53:11We got to plan
00:53:12your bachelor party.
00:53:13My buddy said,
00:53:14we got to plan
00:53:14your bachelor party
00:53:15or I'm going to fake
00:53:16my own death soon.
00:53:18All right?
00:53:21I'm six weeks away
00:53:24from starting a fruit stand
00:53:26in Nicaragua.
00:53:27I got to get out.
00:53:36So my buddy,
00:53:38they planned
00:53:38a Miami weekend.
00:53:41Go to Miami
00:53:42for the weekend.
00:53:43It happened to be
00:53:43Urban Weekend.
00:53:44It was Black Weekend
00:53:45in Miami.
00:53:47So we looked
00:53:48like four mozzarella sticks
00:53:50at the pool.
00:53:53My friends still think
00:53:55they're in their 20s.
00:53:57My buddy's like,
00:53:58let's go to the pool.
00:53:59Let's start talking
00:54:00to some chicks.
00:54:01I'm like,
00:54:02Steve,
00:54:03you have tits.
00:54:10It's over,
00:54:12Steven.
00:54:16You have a C cup
00:54:18with a beautiful areola.
00:54:20No one's looking
00:54:22for that,
00:54:24Steven.
00:54:33But when you're
00:54:34in your 40s
00:54:35and you want
00:54:35to go on a vacation,
00:54:36a lot different
00:54:37than when you're 20.
00:54:38When you're 20,
00:54:38you don't even carry
00:54:39a toiletry bag.
00:54:41Everything's loose.
00:54:43Just gel,
00:54:45hairspray,
00:54:46cologne.
00:54:47Just lives
00:54:48with your clothes.
00:54:50You're 40.
00:54:51Your toiletry bag
00:54:52becomes the focus
00:54:54of the trip.
00:54:57It's so big
00:54:58when you unpack,
00:54:59you gotta hang it.
00:55:02You hang it
00:55:03on the back
00:55:04of the door.
00:55:05You unzip it
00:55:06and it just unfolds.
00:55:10No more hairspray.
00:55:12There's no more gel.
00:55:13Nobody's got hair.
00:55:16It's Propecia.
00:55:20Antidepressants.
00:55:22Stool softener.
00:55:27A therapy rubber band.
00:55:28My buddy
00:55:29had a bad shoulder.
00:55:30He brought
00:55:31his therapy rubber bands.
00:55:32He had to hook them
00:55:34up to the door
00:55:35and he had to
00:55:36work out his shoulder
00:55:37before we went out.
00:55:50But we talked
00:55:51a lot on our trip.
00:55:54My buddy's
00:55:55ex-military.
00:55:57Do we have any
00:55:57active military here?
00:56:00Any military people?
00:56:01Yeah?
00:56:01We're out.
00:56:02Front?
00:56:02Up top?
00:56:03Marine?
00:56:04Yeah?
00:56:05Alright.
00:56:06Give it up.
00:56:06Give it up for the
00:56:07United States military.
00:56:10Love the military.
00:56:15My buddy's got me
00:56:16into so many
00:56:17military type shows.
00:56:18I can't stop
00:56:18watching this stuff.
00:56:20That's all I do.
00:56:21I go home
00:56:21after my shows.
00:56:23I watch
00:56:23SEALs,
00:56:24Special Ops,
00:56:26Rangers,
00:56:27documentaries.
00:56:28The Bin Laden thing
00:56:29fascinated me.
00:56:31I wish I was on the hit.
00:56:32I wish I was there
00:56:33for that.
00:56:33Just on a seal's back.
00:56:36Just like,
00:56:37where we go?
00:56:42We found him?
00:56:43You gotta be kidding me?
00:56:49Just how they conducted
00:56:50that raid
00:56:51with night goggles,
00:56:52vision,
00:56:54helicopters right over
00:56:56the house.
00:56:563 a.m.
00:56:58Pakistan.
00:57:00One of the
00:57:02helicopters fell
00:57:02out of the sky.
00:57:04Guys were still
00:57:05in the air.
00:57:05They looked at it
00:57:06and said,
00:57:06fuck it,
00:57:06we'll still do it.
00:57:07We're here.
00:57:08Right?
00:57:10They start
00:57:10coming out
00:57:11at a helicopter.
00:57:24They surround
00:57:25the house.
00:57:26Bin Laden's people
00:57:27didn't know
00:57:28what was going on.
00:57:29They hadn't had
00:57:30company in 13 years.
00:57:33Now you've got
00:57:34United States military
00:57:35all over the property.
00:57:38One guy came
00:57:39out of his bedroom
00:57:40in his underwear
00:57:40eating some hummus.
00:57:42Would this go?
00:58:00They find Bin Laden
00:58:01in his bedroom.
00:58:03Three girlfriends,
00:58:04a couple of wives.
00:58:07How does that happen?
00:58:09What's the upside
00:58:11on being married
00:58:12to Bin Laden?
00:58:14Where do you
00:58:15meet him?
00:58:18This guy didn't
00:58:19have a table
00:58:19at a nightclub
00:58:20in Pakistan.
00:58:26All right,
00:58:27girls didn't
00:58:28walk in.
00:58:28Oh my,
00:58:28Benny,
00:58:29Benny's here.
00:58:30Hi,
00:58:30Benny.
00:58:31Hi,
00:58:40my buddy.
00:58:41Being ex-military,
00:58:43he's ready
00:58:43for the end
00:58:44of the world,
00:58:44this guy.
00:58:45He's got a lot
00:58:45of weapons
00:58:46at the house.
00:58:48Got a compound bow
00:58:49and arrow.
00:58:50Now,
00:58:50if you don't know
00:58:51anything about a compound bow,
00:58:52the arrow travels
00:58:53at about 300 yards
00:58:54per second.
00:58:56You can take out
00:58:56a giraffe,
00:58:57no problem.
00:58:59He's got this thing
00:59:00in the house.
00:59:01I go,
00:59:01John,
00:59:01what the hell
00:59:01you got this
00:59:02in the house for?
00:59:04He's like,
00:59:05you kidding me?
00:59:09It's for home invasion.
00:59:13Home invasion?
00:59:15Could you imagine
00:59:16the poor bastard
00:59:19that breaks
00:59:20into my buddy's house?
00:59:22As a burglar,
00:59:24you can't even prepare
00:59:25for something like that.
00:59:28The burglar thinks
00:59:29nobody's home.
00:59:30He comes through
00:59:31a kitchen window.
00:59:35My buddy hears him.
00:59:37He gets out
00:59:37his bow and arrow.
00:59:52The burglar's
00:59:53in the living room.
00:59:55He suspects nothing.
00:59:56He's stealing valuables.
00:59:59Then,
01:00:00out of nowhere,
01:00:08do you know
01:00:09the mind fuck
01:00:10on this?
01:00:15The burglar
01:00:16has to process,
01:00:17I got an arrow.
01:00:17I'm hanging out
01:00:18of my chest right now.
01:00:21Did I break
01:00:22into an Apache's house?
01:00:26Are there Indians here?
01:00:28Is this a casino?
01:00:31You guys are great.
01:00:32Thank you so much
01:00:33for coming out.
01:00:35God bless you.
01:01:091229-
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