Keon Polee: Why Can't I Say That? (25)

Fyah TV Comedy

Sharp, laugh-out-loud takes on family, marriage, and childhood heroes in a special that proves nothing is too serious for a well-crafted punchline. #comedy #standupcomedy #standup #keonpolee #keonpoleecomedy #keonpoleestandup

Transcript

00:00:0012-year-old me would be pumped because we did everything that that little boy

00:00:04envisioned I'm doing so it's it's great. For me this is like full circle like you

00:00:11have to do this as a comic like if you don't have a special what's the point?

00:00:26Thank y'all for coming appreciate it thank y'all so much yeah man because I know it's hard for

00:00:31adults to get outside and be energetic so I appreciate you just being alive just being here

00:00:36because I know after a certain age you just be sleepy as soon as you go outside you just be

00:00:40sleeping it's not your fault you just washed and you don't know at first you know I mean you make

00:00:45plans in your head as an adult like you you want to go do something yeah we in Vegas let's

00:00:48go do it

00:00:49let's go do it right and then y'all got in the car was like you still you still want

00:00:52to go

00:00:54because it's already eight like it's time to get out of there you sure and the person you with was

00:00:59like yeah it's whatever you want to do but they sleepy too so now y'all both in here just

00:01:03sleepy as

00:01:04hell trying to power through as an adult and this is what's crazy is you only sleepy when you outside

00:01:13all y'all could go home right now and binge watch your favorite show to three in the morning

00:01:18and have a good time be right away you in on a cliffhanger you want to do another one you

00:01:23want

00:01:23to you want to do another one let me go pee real quick yeah I'm gonna be y'all just

00:01:26keep watching it

00:01:27but as soon as you step outside you'll be like we outside again like it's sleepy out here

00:01:32you just get sleepy as you get older I don't know what happens you know and I'm not making fun

00:01:36of you

00:01:36I'm one of you you know what I'm saying I'm getting up there too you know like and I'm not

00:01:41one of

00:01:42the people that get to a certain age and start hating on the generation after them I'm not one of

00:01:46these young kids today that's not me I hate that you know this is the worst generation ever no they

00:01:50not no they not all right they're no worse than us or our parents or our grandparents the only

00:01:54difference between this generation and all of us the rest of us is they're too stupid

00:02:00to stop documenting everything all right that's the only difference

00:02:06every idea that thought they have they put it out in the world everything they do they film it it's

00:02:10like stop I seen a dude the other day he was like yeah we about to rob these niggas and

00:02:14then pulled

00:02:14his mask down I'm like we saw your face you going to jail bro like we saw you they just

00:02:23dumb they

00:02:23just won't like we did our stuff in the dark like you're supposed to you know what I mean

00:02:28they're not worse they're just they just let everybody know what they're doing they got to

00:02:30stop doing that man but I don't want to hate on them and I don't want to be that old

00:02:33guy that

00:02:34becomes a hater and now I just watch old dudes because I know I'm next I watch my dad and

00:02:39his

00:02:39friends I just watch older guys flirt I love doing that that's my favorite watching older dudes flirt is

00:02:44the best because their game is different than ours because their their life is different so that

00:02:48their pickup lines is shit you ain't never heard before like I was on the flight and there was a

00:02:55lady sitting in front of me and I didn't know if she was old at first all right but when

00:02:58she got

00:02:59up she made her noises that's how I knew because she was sitting there and then all of a sudden

00:03:04she

00:03:04got up she was like and I was like all right she up there all right and so she get

00:03:13up and dude across

00:03:14now I saw him he had full gray hair and everything he decided he was gonna shoot his shot now

00:03:17all right so he goes oh are you okay and she said yeah it's just my knees he goes you

00:03:26know I just got

00:03:26mine replaced he takes out his phone and he starts showing her pictures of his knee replacement and I'm

00:03:38like yo is this like the dick pic for old dudes like is this is this how you brag after

00:03:46a certain

00:03:46days like hey bitch look what I can do what you want Beatrice what you want to do Gladys what

00:03:51you want

00:03:51she's like oh Herman please like what is that how you get them with just for fresh fresh pair of

00:03:57knees

00:03:57you got all the old hoes that's how it work it's crazy it's just a different world you know what

00:04:04I'm

00:04:04saying I just be watching like this is crazy man and like and then your parents start getting older

00:04:08and that's when you realize how older you get too and then you start reflecting a lot you know I

00:04:12mean

00:04:12like I had I had two great parents I had two hood parents though mom and dad were both hood

00:04:15right

00:04:15but we grew up in the suburbs but my parents was from South Central LA but it's weird because they

00:04:21were two different types of hood right like my dad was the hood you can see his is very visible

00:04:27right it could be completely quiet in this room and you just hear somebody in the back like I'll kill

00:04:32her nigga in here be like all right my dad is here you know what I mean like but my

00:04:38mom is a

00:04:39late my mom bougie I'm talking about sit up straight salad fort night fort you know turtlenecks in the

00:04:43middle of summer like she's just showing like my mom's a lady so when I was a kid and my

00:04:47dad would

00:04:47be wilding out we would go to our mom to calm him down right so I remember one time we

00:04:51was at one of

00:04:51our baseball games I hear somebody say you know that kid in right field sucks right my dad don't play

00:04:56about his kids so he's like what'd you say he's like that kid sucks and they were talking about my

00:05:00brother

00:05:00not me I was fucking amazing all right but my brother big tricks right so he goes you're talking

00:05:06about my son I'll kill everybody in here homie what you want to do I'll kill everybody in here

00:05:09and I'm like dad first of all why does everybody have to die why why can't you just kill him

00:05:14he's the

00:05:15only one you have a problem with you gotta you gotta air out the whole park why there's families

00:05:19here why and so whenever he would do that we would go to our mom be like mom you gotta

00:05:24go get

00:05:24dad he tripping again and my mom would be sitting there and my mom would be like well

00:05:32sometimes niggas have to die

00:05:33you know what

00:05:36you just okay with this all right

00:05:39but I had a great childhood man I can't I can't remember like any traumatic experience and

00:05:47everything and maybe it's just because kids don't look at stuff like you're supposed to I guess but

00:05:50my life was great the only the only real issue I ever could think of was like I remember I

00:05:54was

00:05:54like three or four years old and my mom and dad were having a domestic issue when I say domestic

00:05:58issue I don't mean he was hitting her or anything like that right but the furniture could get it

00:06:02you feel me and so he was banging on the door he had left his key or something I don't

00:06:07know but

00:06:07she had locked him out the house so he banging on the door it's me my mom my brother we

00:06:10watching tv

00:06:11she won't let him in the house I said mom dad's at the door she said I know

00:06:16I said you want me to open the door for him she said no let him sit out there

00:06:19think about what he did all right and I'm a kid I don't understand adult things I'm like what could

00:06:25he have done so bad that my mom would lock him out the house like what's the thing she's always

00:06:29fussing over and I was like oh shit so I tapped my brother I said hey man we got to

00:06:32start eating

00:06:33our vegetables she's not fucking around bro I don't want to be homeless you know what I mean like

00:06:38and so he banging on the door she still won't let him in all of a sudden he manages to

00:06:43get the

00:06:43door open how I don't know but he's from South Central I'm sure he had the skill set right so

00:06:48he

00:06:48opened the door but we had a chain on the door so when he tried to open it it stopped

00:06:51and it kind

00:06:51of looked like the shining like here's Johnny you know I mean like I just saw that so I bought

00:06:55he

00:06:56talking you ever see somebody try to cut somebody out with this much space

00:07:04and so she won't even pay him no mind no she keep watching TV right all of a sudden the

00:07:08door

00:07:08closed boom it explodes open I'm talking about chain flies off the wood pieces everywhere door

00:07:13off the hinges he busted a whole door down right now you would think as a kid that would traumatize

00:07:18you right not at all we lived on the base at the time so the MPs came and they wanted

00:07:24to talk to me

00:07:24and they was like hey we need to talk to you for a second I said what's up they was

00:07:27like we just need to

00:07:27ask you some questions do you feel safe with your father and I was like yeah it was like has

00:07:32he ever

00:07:32harmed you or your mother or your brother I was like no it's like you don't have no concerns or

00:07:37safety issues I was like no I've met in fact I've never felt better

00:07:43I was like you sure I was like yeah look at the door

00:07:48we live with the Incredible Hulk like I've never been so excited I thought my dad was the strongest

00:07:52person on earth you understand me I went to school the next day happy as hell like my dad could

00:07:56beat up

00:07:57your dad you know I mean I was pumped I was talking big shit my dad's stronger than everybody

00:08:01they was like yeah right I'm like come by the house and prove it and they was like we went

00:08:05by the house

00:08:05there was no door I'm like exactly you know I mean like I thought I was hype and when you

00:08:11a kid and

00:08:12you happy about stuff what you want to do you want to tell everybody so we go to the barbershop

00:08:16the next

00:08:17day right and I'm like all right here's my chance to brag on my dad you know so and for

00:08:22those who I'm

00:08:23looking around the room you know if you've never been to a black barbershop and a couple of you

00:08:27haven't clearly right but if you've ever been to a black barbershop you know haircuts in the black

00:08:33barbershop take three to five business days right because they they be in there just talking just

00:08:38running their mouth arguing over sports venting about they women because that's a safe space all

00:08:42that stuff right so they all venting on women they tap on my dad it's his turn to clock in

00:08:46right and they're like keep right you know what I'm talking about he's like man these women how you

00:08:49doing some crazy stuff I was like yeah dad tell him about the door he was like hey hey we

00:08:55don't

00:08:55talk about that bro we don't talk about that outside matter of fact if you be quiet I'll take

00:08:59you to Toys R Us later and I was like oh okay so I didn't say nothing else I was

00:09:03quiet we leave it's

00:09:05nighttime obviously because again black barbershop all right so we get to Toys R Us right we walk up to

00:09:10the door it don't open he look at the hours he's like oh man it's closed guys we got to

00:09:13come back I was

00:09:14like we do do the thing man you know I thought he could just break any door down I thought

00:09:29he was

00:09:30I didn't know it only worked in homes but it's crazy man but I had a great childhood man it

00:09:37was a good

00:09:38time and now I got kids I got two boys and I'm raising them in the suburbs as well but

00:09:41they're

00:09:41like extra suburbs you know what I mean yeah they're far they're way further removed than I am

00:09:46because I still put my sports in the hood we went to visit family and all that but my kids

00:09:49they a

00:09:49little more like they a lot of their sports leagues is mostly white kids right so they'd be dominating

00:09:54but

00:10:00but I hate I hate where we live because of society we live in such a PC society now I

00:10:07get asked stupid

00:10:08questions because nobody wants to be offensive and we like we can't just address real things

00:10:12anymore because people are like oh my god you know so it's the first day of baseball practice and black

00:10:16kids don't really play baseball no more like you go to baseball it's not a lot of black kids left

00:10:19right and so he's the only black kid on his team I'm filling out the paperwork for the insurance and

00:10:24all that stuff the team mom walks up to me she goes are you are you one of the dads

00:10:28I said yeah she

00:10:29goes oh okay which little fella is yours

00:10:36I'm like take a wild guess

00:10:39you see the one running faster than everybody else like that one that one's mine

00:10:43that one's fine but I wanted to lie because it was a stupid question I wanted to be like

00:10:48Connor in right field that's my that's my guy out there

00:10:52right but I didn't want her to be like Connor's my son and why do you know these little boys

00:10:55name

00:10:55now I gotta get the fuck out of there before I end up on the registry you know what I'm

00:10:59saying

00:11:00it's just annoying man because here's the thing I'm at an age where like I'm young enough to

00:11:07understand why things needed to change but I'm old enough to where I didn't really want them to

00:11:14I was fine with the way things were we just a hint of it not over the top but just

00:11:18a little bit of

00:11:18like bigotry a little racism a little homophobia like just a sprinkle of not a full serving but

00:11:23just like a Costco sample of racism you know what I mean just like it's good I'm not gonna buy

00:11:27it

00:11:27but it's okay you know what I mean like just a just a little bit you know well we'll circle

00:11:33back

00:11:33we'll circle back to that you know what I mean I'm just saying something not all racism is bad

00:11:36and homophobia and sexism and we'll circle back I'm just saying because we've gone too far now

00:11:41now it's weird you know like I remember like the teachers now they're handcuffed they can't do

00:11:45anything I remember my teachers man remember when you could just hit a kid

00:11:50I'm not saying it was right or wrong but I'm just saying man we go over crazy it's too far

00:11:54man

00:11:54like I like I remember growing up man like my favorite teacher of all time Mr. Trail my ninth

00:11:59grade science teacher he didn't give a damn he'd be fired if he was a teacher today the stuff he

00:12:05did

00:12:05back then was insane but we didn't care at all I liked I TA'd for him I tried to fail

00:12:09so I could

00:12:10take his class multiple times I know that dude man I remember the first day of school he was a

00:12:15little

00:12:15tiny Guatemalan dude right he walked into class he's like okay everyone shut down and shut up

00:12:19and we weren't talking at all he just told us to shut up he just wanted to get that established

00:12:23right he goes my name is Mr. Trejo okay I'm gonna give you some rules to the class if you

00:12:28follow the

00:12:29rules we had no problems but if you don't do what I tell you to do I'm gonna make a

00:12:36call you disappear

00:12:37you understand what I say oh shit right so he's like I'm gonna give you some words you cannot say

00:12:44in the class you say them outside I don't care but inside you cannot say these words okay you put

00:12:51up a picture of a donkey he's like you cannot say this word but the other word for donkey

00:12:56it sounds like ask but without the game you understand don't say that word okay second word

00:13:04you cannot say put up a picture of a duck he's like you cannot say duck but take out the

00:13:08d put it

00:13:11in an f you understand what I'm saying if I hear you say any of these words I'm gonna kick

00:13:15your donkey

00:13:15the duck out of my class you understand what I'm saying okay okay third word you cannot say and I'm

00:13:23talking to the little boys in the class because I know sometimes you're gonna want to say these words

00:13:26but you cannot say this word touch me I know I'm married I want to say it too but you

00:13:30cannot

00:13:30you put up a picture of a family at the beach and he was like where are they

00:13:39beach you understand what I'm saying don't say that word I know sometimes trust me I know my wife

00:13:46she teach right down the hall I see her every day and still every day we get in the car

00:13:51and she

00:13:52and I want to say a beach shut up but I cannot say that I cannot say that so don't

00:14:00you say that

00:14:02and he was like and this is the most important in my rules it's rule number four this is the

00:14:06most

00:14:06important you cannot be tardy never be late to my class don't be tardy okay because if you are tardy

00:14:13you know what that means that means that you yeah you're a retardy like that's what it means

00:14:18like that's what he said in class he said that in class he was like you don't want to be

00:14:23a retard

00:14:23he was doing the hand gestures and everything and you don't want to be a retardy because let me tell

00:14:27you if you are a retardy they put you in a different class okay and that class is taught by

00:14:32my wife the

00:14:33beach okay so don't don't be retarded I was like damn first day of class he didn't call the kids

00:14:42retarded called his wife a bitch nobody cared kept his job everything right it was a different time

00:14:47man and I just miss it and now we've blended and like I said I understand why things had to

00:14:52change

00:14:52you know like dudes are more comfortable in their femininity and women are more comfortable in their

00:14:56masculinity but I feel like if you're a woman you'd be like I just want to take care of my

00:14:59family

00:15:00they'd be like what are you you're a loser you know what I mean like no I just I mean

00:15:03you're more

00:15:04than a mother like you know dudes be like oh I just want to work you know I mean no

00:15:07no hell no

00:15:08these hoes need to go 50 50 like it's so much you can't you can't do it it's too much

00:15:17like you get shamed now if a dude act like a traditional dude or a woman acts like a

00:15:21traditional woman people like say you're toxic or you can't do that anymore it's like why we could

00:15:25still I could still be a man you feel me like I could still I like your shirt bro you

00:15:29feel me

00:15:29see that's how men supposed to talk I like your shirt appreciate you my guy that's it it's done

00:15:34that's how we supposed to do it it's still rules unspoken that you know like I can't look at him

00:15:39and be like it's the shirt for me you know what the fuck is that homie look he grabbed his

00:15:47girl all

00:15:47tight he's like put his on hey nah nah nah man nah nah nah nah nah vagina huh yeah that's

00:15:56a huge hmm yeah

00:15:57that's what I like you know what I mean it'll get weird fast you know and we don't talk about

00:16:03it

00:16:04anymore like I don't like you know we just do too much like I remember okay I'll tell you I'll

00:16:09keep

00:16:09it personal I remember I was sleeping with this girl one time and this is back when I was a

00:16:13hoe right

00:16:16and this girl it was a good time and and and we was doing what we were supposed to do

00:16:21even in the

00:16:22speaking like when you sleeping with somebody you know you get your script and it's like I say this

00:16:26you say that I say this it's like a rhythm to it you know I mean and she she stepped

00:16:30on my lines

00:16:31and I didn't appreciate it because that ain't what I rehearsed you doing improv now I'm messed up you

00:16:36know I mean because she she said some stuff she wasn't supposed to say and it was too masculine for

00:16:40me

00:16:40because those are my lines you're not supposed to say that you feel me and it's a 100 true story

00:16:45we we doing our thing then we getting we getting to that point where she finna you feel me right

00:16:51and y'all all do it the same for the most part normally right it's right there

00:16:58don't stop oh you made a mess right and then that's usually how it goes right by the way

00:17:06fellas when they say uh right there don't stop could you just stay there and do what the hell

00:17:10she told you to do you know what i mean y'all be messing it up you'd be right you'd

00:17:14be you'd be here

00:17:15you'd be right here she'd be like oh i'm almost there i'm almost and for some strange he'll just

00:17:18switch the stroke up no nobody asked you nobody asked you to switch shit you were fine here nobody asked

00:17:25for that nobody asked for it and now she didn't lost her spot she got to refocus regather

00:17:32she rubbing her heart taking another 15 minutes you mad you catching the crap in your leg like

00:17:37god damn this bitch say well that's your fault bro this could have known 15 minutes ago but you

00:17:42didn't know how to you decided nobody asked for that just do what you're supposed to do bro

00:17:50do what she tell you to do right so we doing our thing we get to that point

00:17:57and i'm i'm thinking she's gonna do it the typical female way and i'm not joking i can't even make

00:18:04this up she looked at me in the face and she goes oh i'm about to nut i said what

00:18:19that is disgusting why would you say that like you don't say that to me i say that to you

00:18:25that's my

00:18:25lines you don't say that why would you do that like in my mind she grew a dick right there

00:18:31like it was

00:18:32over in my mind the roles had completely reversed she was about to stand over the top of me like

00:18:39hey

00:18:39open your mouth take that shit bitch no no no no no no no no you don't say that to

00:18:46me i said it to

00:18:46you you don't say that to me i was so disgusted when she did it i just slowly slid out

00:18:54of her you

00:18:55know what i mean like i didn't want to make a big deal she was like i'm about to nut

00:19:01and i was like all

00:19:02all right and i just left i just walked away i couldn't i couldn't after that

00:19:12that was 20 years ago i'm still mad about it like it was that was nasty damn that should have

00:19:17made me

00:19:17hot it's gross man i'm about to nut i hear it rose gross that's that's just nasty man

00:19:32and it could be because i'm just getting to an age where you know you reflect a lot and you

00:19:35miss

00:19:36certain stuff and you or i might be at that fussing age i don't know you know i'm gonna notice

00:19:40a lot

00:19:40of stuff irritate me like i'm sick of bbls yeah i'm done i'm sick of the surgery culture we live

00:19:46in if

00:19:46i see another big old fake booty i'm gonna blow my head off i'm so sick of this and i

00:19:51know by the

00:19:52numbers there's probably one in here i don't care i hope it pops i hope i hope you sit down

00:19:58too fast

00:19:59and it explodes and then you hit the ceiling and break your neck and you got to really get surgery

00:20:03you know what i mean like i'm sick of it so sick of this i'm done because we're not all

00:20:09supposed to

00:20:10look the same man and now everybody's going to the builder bear shop and they're like yo

00:20:14give me the number one and like if you if you go on instagram they all got the same body

00:20:18and it's

00:20:18like no that's not what it is i don't like that man we're not supposed to look alike and if

00:20:22i can

00:20:22be honest with y'all i don't like how everybody can just be built like black women now yeah i

00:20:28said it

00:20:29yeah i said i'm sick of this for years y'all made fun of black people for our lips and

00:20:34our ass and

00:20:34everything and now you're going to surgery to get that i'll fuck that you sit your flat ass down

00:20:38and you try to blow your soup the best you can with them thin ass lips just

00:20:45you thin lip bastard you don't get to you don't get to make fun of us for our entire existence

00:20:51and

00:20:51want to look like us now fuck that you take what the lord gave you and deal with it

00:20:58sick of it sick of it and it don't even look natural when you see other cultures with it don't

00:21:03look right it's weird it messes up your head i seen an asian girl the other day a small little

00:21:07petite asian girl with a fat ass that's not what the lord intended that is not that is not how

00:21:15things

00:21:15are supposed to be that's why he gave them calves yes you ever see an asian person calves they got

00:21:22the

00:21:22best calves in the game they should be ripped and now these women can walk around with these big old

00:21:27calves and a fat booty that's cheating that's too much that's too much i seen the indian girl the other

00:21:33day fat ass i'm like that's not what the lord intended that's not how it's supposed to be

00:21:37that's why he gave y'all hair that's a billion dollar industry they cut they grow their hair

00:21:43and they sell it you know i mean and now you can just pull up with all this long luxurious

00:21:47hair and

00:21:47a fat ass how do you expect dudes to react that's too that's overwhelming you pulling up to the club

00:21:53just stunt on everybody just bee deepa

00:21:55baby meat

00:21:58hair down your back that's oh that's overwhelming

00:22:08i've seen a mexican girl the other day fat

00:22:10i know what y'all thinking mexican probably have a big butts all right and they do normally they do

00:22:16But however, I think we can all agree, it has a shelf life.

00:22:25Because Mexican women don't spread the same as, like, black women or the black adjacents.

00:22:29When I say black adjacent, I mean Afro-Latinas, you know, you're Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, you know, all of them.

00:22:33They black, but they got dropped off before we did, and you know what I mean?

00:22:37I know black. Yes, you are. Yes, you are, right?

00:22:41But when black women, when they spread, they keep their shape.

00:22:44It just gets a wider shape, you feel me?

00:22:46But they keep the shit, like, they just go from here to, like, you know, you know what I mean?

00:22:49Like, but it's still a shape, that's shaped just here, you know what I mean?

00:22:52Like, you ever get caught behind an older black woman, like, in Walmart, and you can't, you just gotta go

00:22:57to a different aisle,

00:22:57because that ass, she just, like, she pushing that carton, it's just, you not getting around all that.

00:23:04It's just, it's too much.

00:23:06That auntie booty be different, you be like, goddamn, like, you knocking over shit, you can't get by.

00:23:13But they waste, they waste it still here.

00:23:16Like, they still got their shape, it's just a bigger shape, right?

00:23:19When Mexican women, when they typically, when they spread, everything spread even.

00:23:25And they just, like, look real boxy, you know what I mean?

00:23:27Like, like a piece of bread or a refrigerator, like, it's just, it's just real, like, you know what I

00:23:31mean?

00:23:31They don't spread the same, you know?

00:23:34It's different.

00:23:36If I'm being honest, I feel like the only people that should be allowed to get BBLs are black women,

00:23:41because in our culture, if you ain't got no ass, you defective.

00:23:46Like, nobody respects you anymore.

00:23:48Like, it's fucked up.

00:23:50Like, I challenge y'all to go to a black person's house during the holidays and watch how they shoot

00:23:53the girl that got no booty.

00:23:54It's messed up.

00:23:55It's messed up, man.

00:23:58They be like, okay, okay, Tawana, you can be on the greens.

00:24:00Uh, uh, uh, Kiki, you do the mac and cheese.

00:24:04Uh, and what can I do?

00:24:05Check out the trash, Joe Flatass.

00:24:06You get it, like, it's fucked up.

00:24:09It's mean.

00:24:10It's mean, man.

00:24:13And then, you know what I don't like, too, is, like, it, like, being a, you can't be a pervert

00:24:17no more.

00:24:18Like, and I don't, when I, when I say pervert, I mean the safe kind where you just admire, not,

00:24:22not get a white van.

00:24:23Your life over, like, not that guy.

00:24:26But just a, like, remember back in the day, like, fellas, when you saw a nice butt,

00:24:30you just saw it, and you went on about your day, like, real quick, you know?

00:24:33Like, you saw it, and I'm like, no, that's a nice ass real dude.

00:24:36All right.

00:24:37You know what I mean?

00:24:38You just go.

00:24:38I remember back in the, when you was in the gym back in the day, and you, you see a

00:24:41girl with a nice butt walk by,

00:24:43you lock eyes with a complete stranger, and y'all let each other know, like, yeah, you know what I

00:24:46mean?

00:24:47That's a nice ass.

00:24:48You know, remember that?

00:24:49You walk by, she'd be like, god damn.

00:24:51You look at him, you'd be like, mm-hmm.

00:24:52You know what I mean?

00:24:53That's it.

00:24:54Y'all never spoke a word, but you know, right?

00:24:56And now you can't do that.

00:24:58Now you've got to do math, and I don't like that.

00:25:01They walk by, you'd be looking, you'd be like, ugh.

00:25:06You think it's real?

00:25:07You know what I mean?

00:25:08Like, I don't just, you be trying to look at the thigh ratio to the butt, like, I don't think

00:25:11that's,

00:25:12her hips not supposed to be that high.

00:25:13Like, that's not, you know, I don't like it.

00:25:15I don't like it, man.

00:25:16And then it took the fun away from looking at other people that weren't black.

00:25:19Remember back in the day, when you saw, like, a white girl with a fat ass?

00:25:22That was like a museum exhibit.

00:25:25Because it was such an anomaly, like, people would, like, gather around, complete strangers.

00:25:29You guys would just be out at a state fair or something like that, just hanging out,

00:25:32and a white girl with a big old booty walked by, and everybody stopped.

00:25:35What they doing?

00:25:35Like, mid-bite, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

00:25:38That white girl got a fat ass, look, look, look.

00:25:41Other women looking, men, everybody, like, why does white girl got this big ass booty?

00:25:44And then you had to figure out why she had it.

00:25:46Like, she probably played volleyball or something.

00:25:47You think she a D1 athlete, D1?

00:25:49That's volleyball ass.

00:25:50Maybe soccer.

00:25:51She might be from Nebraska.

00:25:52Them corn-fed bitches be thick, you know what I mean?

00:25:53Like, you had to figure out.

00:25:56You had to figure out why this white girl got ass, and now everybody can just have ass.

00:25:59I'm like, that's weak, man.

00:26:00That's not fun.

00:26:02It's not fun, man.

00:26:03It just, it ain't no fun no more.

00:26:05And if I'm being honest, all jokes aside, the real reason I hate the surgery culture we live in

00:26:10is because I don't like the effect that it has on young girls.

00:26:14I don't, I don't.

00:26:16You know, they're 17, 18 years old talking about, I want to get surgery.

00:26:21And it's like, yo, did you give yourself a chance?

00:26:24Your body going to change?

00:26:24It's nothing but adults in here.

00:26:26Everybody in here, no.

00:26:26Your body changes over time whether you want it to or not.

00:26:29Sometimes it's good, sometimes it ain't.

00:26:30But it's going to change.

00:26:32Just see where, you know, try.

00:26:33All I'm saying is, did you exhaust all your other options before running to surgery?

00:26:38There's other things you could do first to try to get the body you want before you just go under

00:26:42the knife, right?

00:26:42Did you try eating?

00:26:46Just keep eating, see where it goes.

00:26:49You never know.

00:26:50It might go here and here.

00:26:51You'd be like, I'm good.

00:26:52You know what I'm saying?

00:26:53You never know where it's going to go.

00:26:54Did you try working out?

00:26:55You can build a button now.

00:26:56Did you do your squats?

00:26:58Did you do this machine?

00:26:59This shit right here?

00:27:00Did you do this?

00:27:01Did you do that yet?

00:27:02Did you try that, you know?

00:27:04Did you try getting pregnant?

00:27:05And listen, no, no, like, just a little pregnant, just a little pregnant, like, just to see, just to see

00:27:12where, like, happy, like, you know what I mean?

00:27:14I'm not even saying you got to keep the baby.

00:27:15I'm just saying.

00:27:16I'm just not.

00:27:21I'm just saying.

00:27:21Try it out.

00:27:23Try it out.

00:27:23Please.

00:27:27Now, look.

00:27:30All y'all thought that was an abortion joke, and it wasn't.

00:27:34I'm talking about being a surrogate.

00:27:36Oh, look at you with your judgment.

00:27:39You feel dumb now, don't you?

00:27:41Yeah.

00:27:43Yeah, be a surrogate.

00:27:44Think about that.

00:27:45That's actually pretty smart if you really think about it, right?

00:27:48You get, all right, so I know because I have kids, right?

00:27:50When women are pregnant, this gets bigger, right?

00:27:53The hips start spreading.

00:27:54That's just nature.

00:27:55They're spreading because they're making room for the baby, right?

00:27:56You're taking your prenatal, so your hair get all long, right?

00:27:59So you start getting the way you want to get, right?

00:28:01Also, being a surrogate, very lucrative.

00:28:03It's because people be paying because they, I mean, you can make a lot of money carrying

00:28:08somebody else's baby, and you're doing a nice thing for a family that couldn't conceive

00:28:12a child, right?

00:28:13And you ain't got to raise this little motherfucker, right?

00:28:18So that means you leave the process with new boobs, new hips, new ass, long hair, a pocket

00:28:24full of money.

00:28:27And you're going to heaven.

00:28:28Like, what else do you want?

00:28:31What else do you want?

00:28:38Now, that joke was actually very pro-woman.

00:28:39You know what I mean?

00:28:40It was pro-choice.

00:28:42Body positivity.

00:28:43I'm on y'all team.

00:28:45I'm on y'all team, man.

00:28:46You know what I mean?

00:28:48And I'm just an honest person.

00:28:49Like, so I'm just very honest.

00:28:50I'm very honest with my kids.

00:28:52Like, I don't raise my kids to, like, oh, you know, let's get to that later.

00:28:57Like, no, I'm going to tell you right now, like, what it is.

00:28:59The only problem is kids be thinking you have the answers to stuff you don't.

00:29:03That's the only thing I don't, like, as a parent.

00:29:04Like, kids think their parents is, like, the most intelligent people on earth.

00:29:07And it's like, you ask me questions, bro.

00:29:09I'm Googling just like you.

00:29:10Like, I don't really know.

00:29:12And sometimes they be asking me stuff I'm not ready for.

00:29:14Like, I walked into school every day, right?

00:29:16We was walking the other day, and it was a dude walking down the street,

00:29:19and he had a little hitch in his giddy-up, you feel me?

00:29:23Like, you know, so I'm not laughing at him, but, like, this is, so he had one of these, right?

00:29:29This is how he was walking, all right?

00:29:32And my son goes, what's wrong with him?

00:29:34And I said, I don't know, dude, bro, but, you know, I don't know.

00:29:38He's like, but why he walk like that?

00:29:40I said, well, we live in L.A., you know, he might have got a BBL.

00:29:43That ass might be new.

00:29:44He might not have working yet, you know what I mean?

00:29:46He might be adjusting.

00:29:49But I said, son, clearly he has a disability.

00:29:52And he goes, what's a disability?

00:29:55And I said, you know, like, he ain't got the abilities, bro, you know what I'm saying?

00:30:01Like, he can't do, like, I can do this, he can't, you know what I mean?

00:30:04Like, he ain't got the abilities to do all the things.

00:30:07He's got a disability, you know?

00:30:08I didn't know how to explain it.

00:30:11He's like, but what are disabilities?

00:30:12I was like, all right, well, you got your mental disabilities and you got your physical disability.

00:30:16He's like, what's the difference?

00:30:17I'm like, bro, like, come on, man.

00:30:20I said, okay, all right, all right, all right, here.

00:30:24I said, remember when we watched The Goonies?

00:30:28Remember?

00:30:29Remember Sloth, you know, hey, you guys.

00:30:34I said, I remember him.

00:30:36They said, yeah.

00:30:38I said, okay, well, he had all that shit.

00:30:40Like, he had everything.

00:30:42The physical, the mental, he was a Thanos with disabilities.

00:30:45He collected everything.

00:30:46He was fucked up, you know?

00:30:48Anything you had, he had it, you know?

00:30:50That's an extreme version, but those are disabilities, right?

00:30:54And now we're down a rabbit hole with disabilities because he got more follow-ups.

00:30:57So somehow we land on autism.

00:30:59And he's like, what's autism?

00:31:01I was like, I'm not really sure, but apparently all y'all got that shit now?

00:31:03Like, I don't know.

00:31:05It wasn't a thing when I was a kid.

00:31:06You just went to a different class.

00:31:07We saw you after school.

00:31:08Like, you know what I mean?

00:31:09You got a little extra time on your test?

00:31:11Like, I don't know what autism is, but apparently, you know, that's a thing now, but I don't know.

00:31:15And they was like, oh, okay.

00:31:16And he's asking more questions.

00:31:17Then we land on Down syndrome.

00:31:18He's like, what's Down syndrome?

00:31:19I was like, bro, you killing me, bro.

00:31:22I said, okay.

00:31:24We got chromosomes in our body, right?

00:31:27And when you have an extra one, it causes this thing called Down syndrome.

00:31:31He's like, yeah, but what is it?

00:31:33I said, the syndrome, bro.

00:31:34Like, it's down.

00:31:35It's not up.

00:31:37It's down.

00:31:38Like, I don't know.

00:31:41He's like, but what's the syndrome?

00:31:43I was like, it's a thing.

00:31:44All right, listen, hold on.

00:31:45So I Googled Down syndrome.

00:31:48I clicked Google Images, all right?

00:31:50And I show him a picture of somebody with Down syndrome, because kids are visual.

00:31:54I said, this is Down syndrome.

00:31:55He goes, oh.

00:31:58I've seen those before.

00:31:59I was like, no.

00:32:02Don't call them those, bro.

00:32:03They're just people.

00:32:03Don't say those.

00:32:05He was like, no, they're really nice.

00:32:06I said, oh, they're the best.

00:32:07I love people with Down syndrome.

00:32:08They're super honest.

00:32:09They're hella funny.

00:32:10Like, they're great to hang out with.

00:32:10I love them to death.

00:32:11You know what I mean?

00:32:12He's like, but what make them like that?

00:32:13I was like, that's just how they are.

00:32:15He's like, do they all look like that?

00:32:16I said, that's typically the factory setting.

00:32:18Yeah.

00:32:21That's the avatar that they start off with.

00:32:23You know what I mean?

00:32:24Like, that's, if you were creating one, that's the look.

00:32:26You know what I mean?

00:32:27I don't know why, but that's what it is.

00:32:28You know?

00:32:31He said, okay, but why they like that?

00:32:32I said, bro, it's just, you know.

00:32:34Now, mind you, I didn't get frustrated with him, because my nine-year-old, he's a very sweet

00:32:38kid.

00:32:38He's just empathetic.

00:32:39So he just wants to know things, because he's nice.

00:32:42Like, he got an award at school for being the nice kid.

00:32:44Like, no bullshit.

00:32:45He just got an award, because I was like, why did he get it?

00:32:48And they said, because during PE, like, he's the best athlete out there.

00:32:51You know what I mean?

00:32:51I mean, you know, duh, right?

00:32:55What he does is he picks all the kids who aren't good or who don't have friends or everything,

00:32:59so they feel included.

00:33:00You know what I mean?

00:33:00Like, that's who he is, right?

00:33:02Yeah, he's just nice.

00:33:03He's just nice.

00:33:05Which is way better than my seven-year-old, because my seven-year-old, man, them niggas

00:33:08trash.

00:33:08Get him out of here.

00:33:09He don't care.

00:33:10My seven-year-old be like, get his weak ass out of here.

00:33:12You know what I mean?

00:33:13He don't care.

00:33:15Seven-year-old is savage, bro.

00:33:17He different.

00:33:18So, mind you, the whole time I'm talking, I'm only talking to the nine-year-old.

00:33:21The seven-year-old is walking a little bit behind us.

00:33:23So, he's like, Dad, what makes people like this?

00:33:25And I said, well, you got to understand, son.

00:33:28I really, honestly, I don't know, but there's, you just have to accept the fact there are

00:33:30some people like you and me and mommy, and then there's some people who aren't.

00:33:37And as I'm saying this, the seven-year-old's behind me going, they not like us.

00:33:41They not like us.

00:33:41No, no, no.

00:33:44Don't do that for Down syndrome, bro.

00:33:47That was for Drake, you know what I mean?

00:33:48Don't do that, you know?

00:33:50That's just who they are, you know?

00:33:52And they're always asking questions.

00:33:53I'd be like, damn, bro.

00:33:56And then sometimes I'm forced to talk to them about stuff because it gets brought to my attention

00:34:00by the other adults, you know what I mean?

00:34:01Because I'm in these group chats that I didn't ask to be in.

00:34:04You feel me?

00:34:05I got thrown in the group chats with the non-working white moms.

00:34:07You know, they don't have shit to do.

00:34:09They don't have shit to do with fuss, you know?

00:34:11And I'm like, I got things to do.

00:34:13And all they do is fuss.

00:34:15Starbucks orders, whatever the hell their problem is, you know?

00:34:17When are they coming back with the pumpkin spice?

00:34:19You know, they're just mad.

00:34:23And so, I'm on a fucking...

00:34:27Hit you kind of late, you know what I mean?

00:34:29But...

00:34:34I'm coming back from a flight one time, and you ever been in a group chat that's going

00:34:39so fast, you can't keep up with the chat because they're moving too fast?

00:34:42So, they going off.

00:34:43And I'm only seeing, like, white mom trigger phrases in the thing, but I don't know what's

00:34:46going on, you know?

00:34:47So, I just see stuff.

00:34:48This is an outrage!

00:34:50We need to do something!

00:34:52Who do we need to speak to?

00:34:53We do not have to stand for this!

00:34:55Where are the authorities?

00:34:55I was like, oh, the authorities?

00:34:56She's serious, you know?

00:34:58But I can't figure out why they mad.

00:35:00And then, finally, I see the sentence, and I see a sentence I ain't never seen before

00:35:03in my life.

00:35:04It said, it's true, it said, they shouldn't be reading the kids' gay books!

00:35:09I said, what?

00:35:11I ain't never heard that in my life.

00:35:12I've heard gay, I've heard books, I've never seen them smashed.

00:35:14Like, I've never heard it.

00:35:17And so, I guess one of the six-year-olds went home and told the mom that the teacher or

00:35:22whoever was at school, and they were reading them gay books.

00:35:24And I'm like, six-year-old?

00:35:27I got follow-up questions, because since when have six-year-olds ever gotten anything

00:35:30right in context?

00:35:31Like, they've been known to mess some things up.

00:35:34Like, I just seen a thing the other day online where this mom initially got mad at the teacher

00:35:38because the kid went home and said, the teacher said that we got to bring bisexual gifts to

00:35:43school.

00:35:44And the teacher said, ma'am, I said unisex.

00:35:48That's completely different from bisexual.

00:35:52Bisexual means everybody in the class is about to fuck, you know what I mean?

00:35:55Unisex just means you can wear this shirt or me.

00:35:57You know, that's it.

00:35:58Completely different.

00:35:59So, me having sense, I went home to talk to my kids, because I'm like, I want to get

00:36:02to the bottom, see what's really going on.

00:36:04And the only thing I even agreed with the moms with was they felt like that conversation

00:36:07should be had at home first, before school, which I agree with that, right?

00:36:10But I'm still like, ah, it's got to be more to it.

00:36:12So, I get off the plane, I go home, drop my bags off, I open my kids' door, they're playing

00:36:17their little video games.

00:36:17I said, pause the game, I need to talk to y'all.

00:36:18They said, what's up?

00:36:20I said, I got a question.

00:36:21He said, what's up?

00:36:22I said, uh, y'all be reading gay books, you know?

00:36:29I didn't know how to phrase it, you know, I didn't know how to ask.

00:36:32And so, my oldest son was like, what are you, gay books?

00:36:35I said, I don't know, read the chat, bro, that's what they said, I don't know, I don't

00:36:38know.

00:36:39He said, no, we don't read no gay books.

00:36:41I said, is there gay subject matter in the books?

00:36:44They said, no.

00:36:45I said, is there any gay characters?

00:36:47They said, no.

00:36:48I said, uh, who readin' y'all the books?

00:36:51Is the librarian readin' y'all the books?

00:36:53And if so, is the librarian, is she, does she dress like mommy?

00:37:01Or does she dress more like daddy?

00:37:02Like, what?

00:37:03Or is it a dude?

00:37:04And if it's a dude, because I don't want to, is it a dude?

00:37:06And if it's a dude, is he, is he, is he like daddy?

00:37:09Or is he, like, when he, like, is, like, is he, like, is he a, like,

00:37:17like, when y'all not listenin', does he yell or does he, does he snap at you?

00:37:20Like, how does he, how does he, how does he get your attention?

00:37:26And they said, no, it's, it's a lady.

00:37:27I said, okay, like, like, original recipe?

00:37:29Like, it, it, it, it's, like, has she been a lady all school year?

00:37:34Or, like, it's, in 2025, I gotta figure out, like, what's happening, you know?

00:37:40And I don't want to be offensive, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of it.

00:37:42Like, and so they're, like, no, it's just a, it's just a standard issue lady.

00:37:46I said, okay.

00:37:49Ovaries included, we got it, right?

00:37:52I said, so nobody, nobody gay?

00:37:53They said, not that we know of.

00:37:54And I said, okay.

00:37:56I guess I got nothing to ask.

00:37:57And all of a sudden, the older one goes, oh, we learned about Harvey Milk.

00:38:02I said, oh, the gay politician from San Francisco.

00:38:05Okay, got it.

00:38:05I said, what y'all learned?

00:38:06They said, they said he was gay and he fought for gay rights

00:38:08and that sometimes people are mean to gay people just because they're gay.

00:38:11I said, okay.

00:38:12What do y'all think about that?

00:38:13First of all, do y'all know what gay is?

00:38:14And they said, yeah, when a boy likes a boy and a girl likes a girl.

00:38:17I said, okay.

00:38:18What y'all think about that?

00:38:19Like I said, my oldest, he's an empathetic kid.

00:38:22He's sweet.

00:38:23He goes, well, I think it's a little weird.

00:38:27But I don't think you should be mean to anybody just because they're gay.

00:38:30You should treat everybody with love and respect.

00:38:31I was like, you got it, bro.

00:38:32You can raise yourself.

00:38:33I'm about to go be a deadbeat, man.

00:38:34I'm out.

00:38:34You know what I mean?

00:38:36He got life figured out.

00:38:37It's not hard.

00:38:37Just treat everybody with love and respect.

00:38:39That's not hard.

00:38:39A fucking nine-year-old knows that.

00:38:40I don't know how adults don't know that.

00:38:41You know what I mean?

00:38:42It's not hard.

00:38:43All right?

00:38:43It's not hard.

00:38:45So then I go to Savage.

00:38:52I said, so what do you think about gay?

00:38:56He goes, ugh.

00:38:58All right?

00:39:01That was his response, right?

00:39:03And some of y'all got tight because you're like, oh, my God, that was homophobic.

00:39:07No, it's not.

00:39:07He's seven.

00:39:08All right?

00:39:08It wasn't homophobic.

00:39:09Just he don't like dudes.

00:39:10So the thought of two dudes was gross to him.

00:39:12Right?

00:39:12So I had to let him know that response was okay.

00:39:14You know, I was like, hey, that's okay.

00:39:16Daddy thinks it's gross, too.

00:39:17However, I said, what's the rule?

00:39:21He said, treat everybody with love and respect.

00:39:23I was like, you got it.

00:39:23And then I had to let him know that that reaction wasn't even gay-specific.

00:39:27So I told him the truth.

00:39:27I said, you know what?

00:39:28Daddy has that same reaction when he sees straight, ugly couples.

00:39:30So we've all done it.

00:39:35Everybody in this room has been out at a restaurant or walking down the street.

00:39:38And you see a couple, and you'd be like, they be fucking?

00:39:40Like, we've all had that thought.

00:39:43We've all had that thought.

00:39:46So I'm not going to shame a seven-year-old for a normal thought that we all have.

00:39:50You know what I mean?

00:39:50I'm not doing that.

00:39:56And then the reason why I'm talking about all these things and stuff like that, you

00:40:01know, because a lot of people be like, the black community is homophobic, which I don't

00:40:05think that's true.

00:40:06I don't think that's true.

00:40:06They say it all the time.

00:40:07Black people are homophobic.

00:40:09This is why I don't think it's true.

00:40:10Because I grew up in church, and if black people were homophobic, you already knows

00:40:15where I'm going.

00:40:17You already knows where I'm going.

00:40:18Because if we were homophobic, how did the choir have a piano player?

00:40:22Like, how?

00:40:24If you ever been to a black church, you mean to tell, you thought this choir, choir, you

00:40:30thought he, like, girls?

00:40:31Like, no.

00:40:33And nobody cared.

00:40:34Nobody cared that he was tickling balls on Saturday night.

00:40:36Nobody cared.

00:40:37As long as he came in on Sunday and tickled him out of the reason, nobody cared.

00:40:41Nobody cared.

00:40:42He was gay as shit, so I don't buy that, right?

00:40:44I don't buy it.

00:40:46But let's say hypothetically that black people were homophobic.

00:40:50Well, you have to understand black people's introduction to homosexuality.

00:40:53It wasn't pleasant.

00:40:54It's trauma-filled, right?

00:40:55I don't know if you guys know what buck-breaking is.

00:40:58Yes, it's a hard-hitting topic.

00:41:00Buck-breaking is when they would take the biggest, strongest guy out there, and the

00:41:03slave owner would do him in front of everybody to emasculate him, to tear him down, make

00:41:08him ashamed.

00:41:09Sometimes they'd make the dudes do each other, the strong ones, you know what I mean?

00:41:11So imagine you seeing that happen to your brother, your uncle, your father, sibling.

00:41:16That would fuck you up, right?

00:41:18So you would understand, like, why pass down?

00:41:19They'd be like, hey, man, we don't fuck with that shit, because you had a very traumatic

00:41:23experience at first.

00:41:24That'd be like if you met somebody who hated football, and you found out as kids they were

00:41:29locked in basements, and forced to watch nothing but Raider games.

00:41:33You would understand?

00:41:36You would understand why they hated football.

00:41:38I know, because I'm a Raider fan.

00:41:40I got the trauma.

00:41:40I got it.

00:41:41You know what I'm saying?

00:41:42I'm a big Raider fan.

00:41:43Every time, you know what I mean?

00:41:44I get it.

00:41:46I get it.

00:41:51Now, here's the thing.

00:41:52The reason why I'm talking about all these things, because like I said earlier, I mean,

00:41:55I feel like comedy is the last safe space we have to laugh at everything, laugh at everything,

00:41:58talk about everything.

00:41:59And because recently, I found out I am a little bit of everything, and I didn't know that.

00:42:03All right?

00:42:04I did.

00:42:04My son, he had a family tree project to do, right?

00:42:07And I thought, I called my mom.

00:42:08I said, Mom, we need the family history.

00:42:10And I thought, you know, it was just going to be traditional black, because we keep ours

00:42:14all the way back to 1853, all right?

00:42:16So we can track it.

00:42:17And I thought it was going to be three lines.

00:42:19You know what I mean?

00:42:20Just typical American black.

00:42:20I did.

00:42:21I thought it was going to be like, slavery, freedom, here you are.

00:42:23Like, that's what I thought it was going to be, right?

00:42:25And that wasn't the case with my family, and I was really shocked.

00:42:28Like, we started off 100% Choctaw Native American, all right?

00:42:31And then they had a daughter.

00:42:33She married a dude that was Irish.

00:42:35So at this point, we was just white with strong cheekbones.

00:42:41Then they had a little white baby, all right?

00:42:44And then she decided that she was going to sleep with the darkest dude to ever live, all right?

00:42:49My great-grandpa, black as hell.

00:42:50Like, I've seen the pictures.

00:42:51It's just my granny and the eyes and teeth.

00:42:53I didn't know who was there.

00:42:54Like, he was black, all right?

00:42:57My great-granny.

00:42:58And then, so then they had my granny.

00:43:00My granny had my mama.

00:43:01My mama had me.

00:43:01And then I recently just found out, like, because I thought my granny was dark-skinned.

00:43:04And they said, no, the dialysis did that.

00:43:06They showed me pictures when she was younger.

00:43:08No bullshit.

00:43:09They showed me pictures of her when she was younger.

00:43:10And she looked, she was very light, like, more Native American.

00:43:13I was like, oh, snap.

00:43:14I was like, oh, okay.

00:43:15And then my papa was Creole.

00:43:16He light-skinned as hell.

00:43:17And they mixed, right?

00:43:17Then my dad, my dad's dad just, you know, black.

00:43:20But my grandma, I never knew who she was.

00:43:23Like, she just looked like a weird, like, awkward white lady to me.

00:43:26Like, I never knew.

00:43:27So I'm like, why does she look white?

00:43:29But that hair, like, mine?

00:43:30Like, what?

00:43:31What's going on?

00:43:32And then it turns out she was Cherokee and Irish with, like, a little bit of black, right?

00:43:38And so I'm like, yo, this is crazy.

00:43:40Like, we, I'm not, I'm not black as I thought I was, right?

00:43:43And then I meet my wife, and I thought she was, like, just light-skinned black.

00:43:47And it turns out she's Puerto Rican and white.

00:43:49So I be looking at my kids, like, man, y'all hanging on by a fucking thread.

00:43:59Like, I tell them all the time, if y'all don't marry black women, we got to reclassify, bro.

00:44:02Like, we going to get kicked out.

00:44:04I thought, I thought daddy had more in them, but I'm barely holding on myself, bro.

00:44:07So you got to, you got to really black it up, bro.

00:44:10And we got to go, you know?

00:44:15And so I don't know if this is related or not, but he goes and turns in the project.

00:44:19He comes home the next day.

00:44:20And he goes, hey, dad, I got a question for you.

00:44:22I said, what's up, bro?

00:44:23He said, one of the white kids at my school asked me if I was allowed to say the N

00:44:28-word.

00:44:29And I was like, that's a wild question for second grade.

00:44:32Like, y'all, that's, y'all don't train Pokemon no more?

00:44:35Just hard-hitting topics?

00:44:36That's, damn, dude, okay.

00:44:39Uh, I said, what'd you tell him?

00:44:42He said, I told him, my dad say it all the time.

00:44:48I said, that's factual.

00:44:50That's factual.

00:44:52I said, what did he say about him saying it, though?

00:44:54He said, he said he was absolutely never allowed to say it.

00:44:57I said, okay, that's a good white.

00:44:58You keep him.

00:44:58That's an ally.

00:45:00You come from a good family.

00:45:01I want to meet his parents.

00:45:02There's some good people right there.

00:45:03You keep them.

00:45:05He said, what about me, though, dad?

00:45:07Can I say it?

00:45:08And I looked at him.

00:45:13I looked at his mama.

00:45:15I picked up that family treat paper.

00:45:21I said, hey, my nigga, I don't know, to be 100%, honest.

00:45:26At the next meeting, I'm going to see if I can get you in, bro.

00:45:28But you walking a line.

00:45:29You walking a line, right?

00:45:34But truthfully, like, my oldest son, my oldest son just looked like me with curly hair.

00:45:38So you know he black, right?

00:45:39But my youngest one, Savage is a little more, like, he more Clay Thompson, Steph Curry, you

00:45:46know, and depending on his hair, because the type of hair he got, you really don't know.

00:45:51Like, he could be, you know, just, he could be Conor one day.

00:45:54He could be, he could be Tyrone the next day.

00:45:57Or he could be, he could be Juan Esco Barclay.

00:45:59Like, you don't know, like, you don't know.

00:46:01What a fool?

00:46:02Like, you don't know what he is.

00:46:04And I know that they're conscious of it already, because they play their video games, and all

00:46:08they do is create their characters when they play, like, Madden or NBA 2K or whatever.

00:46:13And my oldest son, I'd be, he'll be making this character.

00:46:16He'd just pick a black dude, right?

00:46:17Pick a black dude, 6'8", 250.

00:46:18I'm like, you got ambition, bro, that ain't finna happen, but all right.

00:46:23Good luck, you know what I mean?

00:46:25And then my little son will start making his character, right?

00:46:28But he'll pick a black dude.

00:46:29And my oldest son would be like, you don't look like that.

00:46:31And he'd be like, I'm black!

00:46:34I'll kill any nigga in here.

00:46:35I'd be like, see?

00:46:36That's your grandpa.

00:46:37You like kids, they're angry.

00:46:38You gotta relax, bro.

00:46:40You gotta relax.

00:46:43That's how they be, man.

00:46:47And kids a lot, man.

00:46:49But I love it.

00:46:50Like, I love having, I'm not one of the people that get on stage or get out in the world

00:46:52and be like, oh, my wife and kids are ball and chain.

00:46:54It sucks.

00:46:55I love having a family.

00:46:55It's dope, man.

00:46:56I love it, you know?

00:46:57I mean, I don't want no more.

00:46:58I definitely don't want no more kids.

00:47:00I don't, and it's not because I hate kids.

00:47:01Kids are dope.

00:47:02I just don't want another baby.

00:47:03I don't have time for that shit.

00:47:05My kids are 9 and 7.

00:47:06They feed themselves, take your shower, go put your clothes away.

00:47:09Like, they do all, I'm not starting over with no baby.

00:47:11Because I'm going to be honest, and I'm going to say it, babies are trash.

00:47:13Nobody's talking about it.

00:47:15Babies are trash, and nobody wants to admit it.

00:47:17Oh, they're so cute.

00:47:18For what?

00:47:19They just sit there all day looking at you with their weak-ass necks.

00:47:27They weak.

00:47:27They don't do nothing.

00:47:31Like, who spits up in the middle of a sentence for no reason?

00:47:33They just be sitting there.

00:47:35Like, what's wrong with you?

00:47:38They take a dump while they looking at you.

00:47:42Oh, clean it up, bitch.

00:47:43Like, I don't like how babies talk.

00:47:46Fuck babies.

00:47:46I said it.

00:47:47I don't care, man.

00:47:50Fuck babies.

00:47:52I don't care.

00:47:52Like, kids are cool.

00:47:53I don't want no baby anymore, man.

00:47:55I ain't got time to start over and raise no toddler.

00:47:57I travel.

00:47:57My wife, we ain't got time to raise.

00:47:59Who's going to raise this baby?

00:47:59It ain't going to be me.

00:48:00I ain't doing it.

00:48:02So I got a vasectomy.

00:48:05Yeah.

00:48:05Hell yeah!

00:48:06I got a vasectomy a year and a half ago.

00:48:08And the reason why I got it done, because I knew I didn't want no more kids.

00:48:11My wife knew she didn't want more kids.

00:48:12And I'm not going to make my wife go through some crazy procedure that might fuck her body

00:48:15up when I get something done in 15 minutes and it's reversible.

00:48:18So that's why I did it.

00:48:19All right?

00:48:20All right?

00:48:21Look at all the ladies.

00:48:22All the ladies are like, okay.

00:48:24And all the dudes are like, hell no, bro.

00:48:27Couldn't be me.

00:48:29All right?

00:48:29And this is why.

00:48:30It's not his fault.

00:48:31It's not his fault.

00:48:32Any dude in here, it's not your fault.

00:48:33You've been giving false information.

00:48:34I didn't know until I got my vasectomy how many dudes don't know about their own body.

00:48:37I didn't know that shit.

00:48:38Like, the questions I get about my vasectomy, wild as hell.

00:48:41I'm like, who told you this?

00:48:43Like, I tell people all the time, and then they'll come up to me and be like, hey, man,

00:48:46so you really got that done?

00:48:49I'm like, who lies about that?

00:48:50Yeah, I got a vasectomy.

00:48:51That ain't a flex.

00:48:52I got a vasectomy, bro.

00:48:53Yeah, they're like, oh, okay.

00:48:54And I was like, do your voice change?

00:48:59Like, I don't know who started that rumor, but no, your voice.

00:49:01Like, dudes really think you go get a vasectomy, and you come out of there like, everybody,

00:49:05help!

00:49:07Like, no, bro, your voice, your voice stay the same.

00:49:12They're like, oh, okay, okay, okay.

00:49:13But like, dude, you still, you still, you still get, like, get up the same?

00:49:17I say, yeah, bro, I'm still horny.

00:49:1924-7, it'd be hard all the time for no reason.

00:49:21I'd just be hard, bro.

00:49:22And you still got the same sex drive.

00:49:24I was like, yep, all the time.

00:49:25I could, I could, any time, I'm ready to go.

00:49:27Like, all the time.

00:49:29And they were like, oh, okay.

00:49:30And like, what, they're like, what they do with your balls, though?

00:49:37I said, I ain't a pit bull, bro.

00:49:39You, you thought, you thought they take our balls out?

00:49:43You thought they took our nuts?

00:49:45You thought they just left me with the mud flaps?

00:49:47You think I just, you think I just got penis and scrotum, just an empty scrotum?

00:49:53Like, just like a cake for my dick, just sitting there.

00:49:57Like, I'm pulling my pants down, like, you ready for the Dr. Strange?

00:50:00Like, no, no, it's not, it's not a scrotum cake, bro.

00:50:04It's, I still got my balls, man.

00:50:09And they'd be like, oh, okay, all right.

00:50:11Like, and do you, do you still, like, you still go?

00:50:15Like, yeah, you, you think I'm shooting dust?

00:50:19Like, time out, time out.

00:50:20You thought this whole time, dudes who get upset, we don't go, you think we'd be in the

00:50:24bedroom, we like, here, here it comes.

00:50:28Boom.

00:50:28Like, you think, you think that's, you think that's what happens?

00:50:32It's just air?

00:50:34Or, you think, you think our, our, our penis is just doing the LeBron James, just powder,

00:50:40just in, just powder in the air?

00:50:41Like, no, we still, like, I'm still, you know what I mean?

00:50:45Like, I'm still putting icing on the Cinnabon, bro.

00:50:46Like, I'm still, it's still toaster strudel all day, you feel me?

00:50:49I'm still going, it just ain't no swimmers in my shit.

00:50:52It's still the same load.

00:50:53So, like, I, I didn't know that dudes didn't know how it works.

00:50:55So all they do, fellas, I can't believe you didn't learn this in health class, but, you

00:50:59know, our balls just produce sperm.

00:51:00That's, that's all they do.

00:51:01And then it travels up a tube, and it meets the rest of the stuff that's formed up here, and

00:51:06then it comes out, and it's like, ah, baby juice.

00:51:07And that's how it works, right?

00:51:09So, a vasectomy, all they doing is cutting the tube so you have no sperm in your load,

00:51:13but you're still doing the load, but you just ain't got nothing to make a baby.

00:51:16That's it.

00:51:17That's all it is.

00:51:18They're like, oh, okay, I didn't know, this sounds kind of cool.

00:51:21I said, yeah, right.

00:51:24They said, what about the orgasm, though?

00:51:25Do everything's the same?

00:51:26Do it feel the same?

00:51:26Is it still good?

00:51:27I said, not only is the orgasm the same, best orgasm you ever have in your life.

00:51:32They're like, why?

00:51:33I'm like, because you coming with a different kind of freedom.

00:51:37You know what I mean?

00:51:38You ain't never been able to nut like this before.

00:51:40Like, you know nothing bad is going to happen.

00:51:42You can do it anytime, anywhere.

00:51:43It don't matter.

00:51:44I can do it on this chair.

00:51:45So what?

00:51:46Like, what you going to do?

00:51:48You can't collect it and have a baby.

00:51:50There ain't nothing more in there.

00:51:51It's fine.

00:51:52You can do it all the time.

00:51:54And they'd be like, oh, okay.

00:51:56And it's still good?

00:51:57I said, yeah, bro.

00:51:58And she looking at you, and she know nothing bad is going to happen.

00:52:01So y'all both got different energy.

00:52:02There's no more, you know what I'm saying, put a condom on.

00:52:05Ain't no more pull out.

00:52:06Make sure you don't get into my eyelashes.

00:52:08Like, ain't no more of that.

00:52:13Now she got a different energy.

00:52:14She looking you in the face.

00:52:16Don't take it out.

00:52:19Come inside me.

00:52:20You'd be like, ooh.

00:52:23Every dude in this room, though, when they tell you leave it in, don't take it.

00:52:27That's a different nut.

00:52:30And when you know you can leave it in, it ain't nothing bad finna happen.

00:52:34Like, I know this ain't politically correct to say, I know that.

00:52:37But let me tell y'all something.

00:52:38Every time she said, come inside me, I go full retarded.

00:52:43You understand me?

00:52:43You're like, ah.

00:52:47I'll be in there.

00:52:50And you.

00:52:52Yeah.

00:53:02You ever squeeze your butt cheek so tight, a little sweat come down the back?

00:53:11And then I put my helmet on and I go to bed.

00:53:13You know what I'm saying?

00:53:17It's the best, man.

00:53:18It's the best.

00:53:23But dudes always want to know about the surgery.

00:53:25That's what they really want to know.

00:53:27They said, but how is the surgery?

00:53:28I'll be honest with y'all.

00:53:29The surgery ain't shit.

00:53:30All right?

00:53:31It's a 15-minute procedure.

00:53:31It ain't nothing.

00:53:32The part before the surgery, that sucks.

00:53:35Because you go in there and you're like, hey, I'm here for my vasectomy.

00:53:37They said, okay.

00:53:38I want you to go down the hall, take off everything from the bottom down, and lay down and wait

00:53:42for the doctor.

00:53:43Right?

00:53:43So I'm sitting in there.

00:53:44I got a shirt on.

00:53:45Nothing on the bottoms.

00:53:46I'm just laying back like a baby waiting to get his diaper changed.

00:53:49You know what I'm saying?

00:53:50I'm sitting there.

00:53:51I'm flicking it around.

00:53:52I'm playing with it.

00:53:54Helicopter.

00:53:54I don't know.

00:53:55This might be our last run.

00:53:55I heard the rumors, too.

00:53:56So I don't know.

00:53:57I'm Nintux.

00:53:58I'm doing all kinds of stuff.

00:53:59Right?

00:54:01I'm making noise.

00:54:06Just having fun.

00:54:07Just in case it's my last.

00:54:09And so I'm laying there, and the assistant dude walk in.

00:54:23This ain't my real doctor.

00:54:24This is the assistant.

00:54:25So he come in.

00:54:26He's like, hey, man, I just want to let you know, before we get started on the surgery, we got

00:54:31to clean the area.

00:54:33I said, when you say we, that means you as a grown man going to clean me as a grown

00:54:39man?

00:54:40Because I showered before we got here.

00:54:41I don't think there's any reason for you to touch me at all, bro.

00:54:43Like, we good.

00:54:44He's like, no, we got to professionally clean it.

00:54:46I said, I've been professionally showering for 30 plus years.

00:54:49I shaved it and busted myself.

00:54:51This is all me, bro.

00:54:51Look, I did this.

00:54:53We good.

00:54:54He's like, no, man, we got to medically clean it.

00:54:56So he puts on his gloves, and he takes out that red, that red stuff.

00:54:59What's the red?

00:55:00Iodine, benedine, one of them dines, right?

00:55:03And he takes it, and he pours it on me.

00:55:06And then this man.

00:55:10This man just starts cleaning me, and he got to clean it.

00:55:13You know what I mean?

00:55:13So he's in there.

00:55:14He, he, he.

00:55:41So look, he's cleaning me.

00:55:44He cleaning me, right?

00:55:45Like, I'm so uncomfortable, because I never had a dude, like, I didn't know what to do.

00:55:50So as soon as he touched me, I just went full of Toy Story.

00:55:52Like, remember when Andy would come in?

00:55:54Like, he tells my dick, I just, I just lay it out.

00:55:59I just, I just went to a different place.

00:56:02I was like, it'll be over soon.

00:56:04It'll be over soon.

00:56:06Just go to your happy place.

00:56:07Go to your happy place.

00:56:10Like, a single tear came down my eye, and I was just taking this shit.

00:56:13Like, and I'm sitting there, and I looked at the wall the whole time.

00:56:17The whole time he was doing it, I looked at the wall.

00:56:20Because I didn't want to turn and lock eyes.

00:56:25Because if you lock eyes with a man with his hands on your dick, y'all fucking.

00:56:28Like, y'all had made love.

00:56:30Y'all had made love at that point.

00:56:32So I couldn't look at him.

00:56:34So I just, I just had to take this shit.

00:56:36And I was just, I was so uncomfortable.

00:56:38Like, I've never had this kind of experience.

00:56:40I hated every moment of it.

00:56:42And after he gets done, he grabs a towel.

00:56:45He was like, all right, clean yourself off.

00:56:46I was like, no.

00:56:49Don't talk to me like that.

00:56:50Like, act like it meant something to you.

00:56:51Are you going to call me?

00:56:52Like, I didn't know how to feel.

00:56:54I didn't know how to feel.

00:56:55I was fucked up.

00:56:57So.

00:56:59So he just leaves.

00:57:00He just leaves me like that, right?

00:57:04And I'm sitting there.

00:57:06And I'm like, I'm going to need so much therapy after this.

00:57:09Like, I'm messed up, right?

00:57:11So then, like, five minutes later, my real doctor walks in.

00:57:15Now, my real doctor who was going to perform surgery was black, right?

00:57:17And I always, anytime I go to hospitals, anywhere, I ask for black doctors, right?

00:57:21Anytime I go in there, you got a black dentist?

00:57:23You got a black dentist?

00:57:23Like, I always, I want black people working on me.

00:57:25Just because, you know, like, you know.

00:57:27I don't trust white people, right?

00:57:29So I just, I just want a black doctor.

00:57:33And you know what it was?

00:57:34I just didn't want a white doctor when it came to that.

00:57:36You know what I mean?

00:57:37Like, not when it came to that.

00:57:38You know, because I didn't want him to walk in and be like,

00:57:39see, this is why we hate y'all food.

00:57:41And he cut it off, you know what I mean?

00:57:45He picks it up, throws it over his shoulder.

00:57:46Like, I'm about to blow my wife back out tonight.

00:57:48This is mine.

00:57:49You know what I mean?

00:57:49I didn't want, I didn't want that.

00:57:52You feel me?

00:57:55So, I had a black doctor.

00:57:57Now, for some of you in the room, y'all might not know this.

00:58:00When black people, when we amongst ourselves, we behave differently.

00:58:04We talk differently.

00:58:04We let our hair down.

00:58:05We're comfortable.

00:58:06We're with our people now.

00:58:06We chilling.

00:58:07So, he was professional at first until he saw me.

00:58:10And then it was just bruh to bruh.

00:58:12You know what I mean?

00:58:13So, he walked in.

00:58:13He was like, okay, Mr. Poli.

00:58:14He was like, oh, shit, what up, nigga?

00:58:15What up, bro?

00:58:16How you?

00:58:18I said, what up, bro?

00:58:19He was like, you getting a vasectomy?

00:58:20I said, yeah.

00:58:21He said, you still kind of young, bro.

00:58:22You in shape and everything.

00:58:23You still, you trying to get a vasectomy?

00:58:24I was like, yeah, bro, I got two boys.

00:58:25I got two kids.

00:58:26I don't want no more kids, bro.

00:58:28He's like, you sure, man?

00:58:29I mean, these hoes is out here.

00:58:30Like, you sure?

00:58:32You don't want nothing?

00:58:34I said, nah, bro, I'm done.

00:58:36You know what I mean?

00:58:37I don't want no more.

00:58:37Plus, you know, a dude already molested me, so I can't back out now because I'm not going

00:58:43to go through that process again.

00:58:44I'm never doing that again in life.

00:58:46So, dude didn't clean me, so let's just get started.

00:58:48And he was like, what dude?

00:58:54I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:58:58The guy, he came in, he came in, he came in, and he touched me.

00:59:04He was doing it, he was doing it.

00:59:05I laid out, I laid out, I take it, he's cleaning.

00:59:12And the doctor was like, I don't know who you're talking about, bro.

00:59:15And I was like, no, he touched me right here, he touched me here, he did it.

00:59:19And he was like, nah, I'm just fucking with you, homie.

00:59:20And I was like, see?

00:59:23That's why I hate black people, we don't take shit serious, man.

00:59:26Other dude came around the corner, he was like, eh, take that.

00:59:30I was like, fuck both of y'all, bro, I'm stressed out.

00:59:34Play too much, man.

00:59:40So, after that dude was cool, though.

00:59:41He goes, hey, man, this is a 15-minute procedure.

00:59:44You're going to be in and out of here.

00:59:46Now, if you've ever gotten this procedure done,

00:59:49if you felt anything, your doctor messed up.

00:59:52I felt nothing.

00:59:53The only thing you feel is the initial shot they give you real quick.

00:59:57It's like a real quick, like, bing, like, ooh, right?

00:59:59That's it.

01:00:00Goes completely numb.

01:00:01Now, you don't feel anything, you just feel like,

01:00:04you know somebody's touching you, but there's no pain or anything.

01:00:06But all your other senses still work, right?

01:00:09So I'm sitting there, and he's doing this thing,

01:00:12and I'm just, you know, I'm laying around.

01:00:16All of a sudden, I hear it.

01:00:17Cliff?

01:00:19I said, what was that?

01:00:21He said, that one shut down.

01:00:24I said, okay.

01:00:25And then I see a little smoke.

01:00:27I said, what's going on over there?

01:00:29He said, oh, we had to cauterize the womb.

01:00:32I said, well, this gives a whole new meaning to great balls of fire.

01:00:34Like, you have set my nuts on fire.

01:00:36This is crazy.

01:00:38Chestnuts roasting on open fire.

01:00:39That's what's happening right now?

01:00:41Right?

01:00:42So he does it.

01:00:42It takes about five minutes.

01:00:44Rolls his chair around.

01:00:44Starts on the other side.

01:00:45Now, on the other side, it's taking a little longer.

01:00:48I said, hey, what's going on over there?

01:00:49He said, well, this one's putting up a fight.

01:00:52I said, okay.

01:00:53He said, but don't worry.

01:00:55I always get what I want.

01:00:56And I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, yo.

01:00:58I don't like it, y'all talking in here, bro.

01:00:59It's weird.

01:01:01Right?

01:01:01So he does it.

01:01:02Takes about seven minutes.

01:01:03And we're done.

01:01:04He was like, all right, I'm going to sew you up.

01:01:05You can get out of here.

01:01:05I said, oh, okay, bet.

01:01:06Now, if you've never had surgery before, the reason why people leave surgery so sore is

01:01:11because these doctors do not care.

01:01:12They're trying to get it done fast.

01:01:14And they rough as hell because they know you can't feel nothing.

01:01:15So I'm watching this dude.

01:01:17And in my opinion, he was doing too much.

01:01:20Because these are balls, bro.

01:01:22All I should have saw was this.

01:01:26I look down.

01:01:27He here.

01:01:29He saw me up.

01:01:31He was pulling all tight.

01:01:32Every time he talking, taking me with him, I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

01:01:36That's too much for these little balls, bro.

01:01:37You ain't got to do all that, right?

01:01:40And so he finishes.

01:01:41And it's an outpatient procedure.

01:01:42You drive yourself home.

01:01:43But he gives me the rundown.

01:01:44He said, all right, man.

01:01:45You're free to go.

01:01:47Let me give you a rundown.

01:01:48You got to ice 48 minutes, 20 minutes on, 10 minutes off.

01:01:52Once the swelling goes down, if you feel up to it, you can get back in the gym.

01:01:56Or you can get back in the saddle.

01:01:57I said, oh, I can.

01:02:00He said, yeah, if it ain't no discomfort, do your thing, man.

01:02:03And I said, and I can shoot the club up?

01:02:04Like, I could.

01:02:06And he was like, no.

01:02:07And that's where dudes mess up.

01:02:08Dudes get a vasectomy and think they can immediately just start shooting the club up.

01:02:11It's like, nah, you got to wait like two, three months to clean.

01:02:14Yeah, you got all these live swimmers still in there.

01:02:15You got to clean out the gun.

01:02:16It's like if you have a pistol and you take something out the clip, it's still that chamber

01:02:19that can kill somebody, all right?

01:02:21So we still got stuff that can kill people.

01:02:22We got to get rid of that.

01:02:24So you got to get all that out and then go for your follow-up.

01:02:26Then once you had a zero count, then it's a free-for-all.

01:02:29Then you can go, right?

01:02:30So my wife called me.

01:02:31She said, what'd the doctor say?

01:02:32I said, you ain't going to believe this shit.

01:02:34She said, what happened?

01:02:35I said, we got to have sex like five times a day.

01:02:36That's what the doctor told me.

01:02:37I got to clean it out.

01:02:39I got to clean it out.

01:02:40I got to get it out.

01:02:40I got to get it all out.

01:02:41You know what I mean?

01:02:42And so I rushed home because when I got the surgery, all I had told my boys the day

01:02:47before, and at the time, they were five and seven.

01:02:51And so at the time, I'm like, all right, daddy's getting a procedure tomorrow.

01:02:55When you get home from school, just don't be rough, all right?

01:02:58Because, you know, I don't want you jumping on me.

01:02:59I'm just going to be a little sore for like two days.

01:03:01So just chill out, right?

01:03:02I didn't know that my wife had told them exactly what I was getting done, right?

01:03:07So I'm rushing home, trying to beat them home.

01:03:08I get home.

01:03:09I put my ice on.

01:03:10I put a robe on so they didn't see the thing.

01:03:11And I'm watching TV, right?

01:03:12My little son walk in the door.

01:03:14Now, normally when they get home from school, they give me the rundown.

01:03:16How was school?

01:03:17Oh, there was a fight at recess.

01:03:18And Mr. Johnson says, you know, they give you the rundown.

01:03:20Not today.

01:03:21He walk in the door.

01:03:22He didn't even say hi.

01:03:24I said, hey, buddy, how was school?

01:03:25I kid you not.

01:03:26That's how he walked in.

01:03:26He goes, why'd you cut your nuts?

01:03:31I said, what?

01:03:33He said, mommy said you cut your balls, daddy.

01:03:36Why'd you cut your balls?

01:03:39I said, no, I didn't cut them.

01:03:40I still got them.

01:03:41I still got them.

01:03:42But I just got the surgery done.

01:03:42So I don't want no babies.

01:03:45And he goes, oh, why?

01:03:46Are you allergic?

01:03:48I said, a little bit.

01:03:49Yeah, like a little bit.

01:03:51But I said, nah, nah, y'all just older.

01:03:52You're going to be in second grade.

01:03:53Your brother's going to be in third.

01:03:54I just ain't got time for that stuff no more.

01:03:56And he was like, oh, OK.

01:03:57Well, what happens if a baby touches you?

01:04:01I said, I'm not allergic, bro.

01:04:02Like, babies can touch me.

01:04:04Nothing's going to happen.

01:04:04I'm fine.

01:04:05I just don't want any more babies.

01:04:06And I got a surgery done to where I won't have any more babies.

01:04:09That's all.

01:04:10And he goes, OK.

01:04:12What happens if mommy has another baby?

01:04:20I said, well, then mommy fucked up.

01:04:24And daddy, see you on the weekends, nigga.

01:04:26I'm out.

01:04:27You know what I mean?

01:04:27I'm not raising no side, baby.

01:04:28You feel me?

01:04:29I'm out of there, bro.

01:04:32I'm not raising side kids.

01:04:33I ain't a loser.

01:04:34You know what I mean?

01:04:39And I'm out.

01:04:45But I love them dudes, man.

01:04:46They funny, man.

01:04:47I love having kids.

01:04:47I love the family dynamic and everything.

01:04:49The only thing I probably say the only thing I don't like about having a family is because

01:04:51of my social media presence.

01:04:52People see my family, and I don't really like that too much.

01:04:54And you know what it is?

01:04:55I don't like the person to come with it or the assumptions people make.

01:04:57All people do is they get online, and they see things, and they think they want that.

01:05:01So my family is an attractive family.

01:05:04So they be like, oh, my God, you have such a beautiful family.

01:05:06Goals.

01:05:07Relationship goals.

01:05:09Family goals.

01:05:09I'm like, y'all don't know.

01:05:10She could be beating me every day.

01:05:11Y'all don't know.

01:05:13You know what I mean?

01:05:14And so y'all get online, and y'all see couples and these influencers and all that stuff,

01:05:16and you think you want that, and you don't know if they happy or not.

01:05:19You don't know shit about them.

01:05:20They show you the highlights.

01:05:21That's all social media is, is the highlights.

01:05:23Right?

01:05:23So you don't know if you want, and plus, let's say you see something and it does look amazing.

01:05:27Right?

01:05:27You don't know what it took for them to get there.

01:05:29So all y'all see on social media is everybody's end results, that famous person or that happy

01:05:33couple or whatever, but you don't know.

01:05:35Like, you don't, I saw some lady said the other day, this older lady, she was like,

01:05:37you don't, you don't find love like this.

01:05:39You build love like this.

01:05:41That shit take time, and it's ups and downs, and how to go through that.

01:05:43I mean, I seen a couple one time in the middle of my show, they were so distracting

01:05:46because they were all over each other.

01:05:48And I'm talking about, I mean, they, mm, mm, mm, mm.

01:05:52Right in the front row.

01:05:52And I get distracted.

01:05:53I say, hey, hey, hey, hey, like, enough.

01:05:56I was like, but I'd love to see it.

01:05:57You know, how long y'all been together?

01:05:58It was like 30 years.

01:06:00I said, 30 years, and y'all still all over each other like that?

01:06:02They said, yeah.

01:06:03I said, well, damn.

01:06:04What's the secret?

01:06:05True story.

01:06:06The lady goes, well, 10 years in, I wanted a divorce, and he wouldn't let me.

01:06:11And then 10 years later, he wanted a divorce, and I wouldn't let him.

01:06:15And then the last 10 have been great.

01:06:17And I said, wait, so the key to a happy marriage is, you got to hold people hostage?

01:06:22That's how this shit works?

01:06:25Like, I want a divorce.

01:06:26Well, get your ass in the basement, and you lock the door, I'll let you out when you change

01:06:29your mind.

01:06:30Is that how you do it?

01:06:32I didn't know that was the key to success.

01:06:33I didn't know.

01:06:34Right?

01:06:36But me and my wife, we communicate, and I think that's why we do okay, because we

01:06:39communicate about everything.

01:06:40We talk a lot, and we're very realistic.

01:06:42I hate when couples get in a relationship and think, like, start being fake about the

01:06:45world.

01:06:46Like, she knows I'm on the road all the time.

01:06:48First of all, she's very pretty, like, commercially pretty.

01:06:50So people hit on her all the time.

01:06:51She knows I'm on the road all the time, and, you know, so she'd be asking me, like,

01:06:54how's the road?

01:06:54I'd be like, it's good.

01:06:55Any girls hit on you?

01:06:56I'd be like, you know these hoes be on me.

01:06:57Come on, man.

01:06:57Let's stop.

01:07:00She'd be asking me questions.

01:07:01Any of them look good?

01:07:01Have you ever been tempted?

01:07:02I'd be like, this one's got a fat ass, but I don't know if it's real, though.

01:07:05So, you know, I don't know, right?

01:07:07But we joke like that, and we play like that, and we're very honest, though.

01:07:10But realistically, she knows, like, couples do need to, you know, stay in lock and

01:07:13everything.

01:07:14So when I go on the road, she refuses to let me go on the road without us getting

01:07:18it in first.

01:07:18Like, she will not let me get on that plane unless we smash, right?

01:07:21And I'd be like, I don't need to like that.

01:07:22She'd be like, no, I'm not sitting here out there with them hoes with a full load.

01:07:24No, come on.

01:07:25You gotta knock it out, right?

01:07:28And here's the thing.

01:07:30Sometimes I'm not always going for a full weekend.

01:07:31Sometimes it's a one-nighter.

01:07:33I'm like, I can hold it for 24 hours, ma'am.

01:07:35I don't need it like that.

01:07:36Plus, I'm 40.

01:07:37I don't need it every day anymore.

01:07:39You know what I mean?

01:07:39My sex drive ain't even the same.

01:07:40Every day, that's too much.

01:07:41Like, six times a week is fine.

01:07:42Like, I don't need it every day, you know?

01:07:49But she won't let me.

01:07:50She'd be like, you know, we need to do it before you leave.

01:07:52And I'm like, I don't have to.

01:07:54She'd be like, come try.

01:07:55You know what I mean?

01:07:55Like, it's like when you have kids and you're about to go on a road trip, and you're like,

01:07:58anybody got to pee?

01:07:59And they're like, no.

01:08:00You're like, go, go, go see.

01:08:01Go, go in there and see.

01:08:02And then every time they'd be in the bathroom, like, oh, I did.

01:08:05I did need to go.

01:08:05You're right.

01:08:06I did.

01:08:08And it's the same thing.

01:08:09She'd be like, come, come in here.

01:08:10Come get some.

01:08:11Come see.

01:08:11And I'd be like, I'm not horny.

01:08:13I'm fine.

01:08:13And she'd be like, let's see about that.

01:08:15And every time I'd be in there, I'd be like, you know what?

01:08:17You know, I did need it.

01:08:18I did.

01:08:19I did need it.

01:08:20You're right.

01:08:21You're right.

01:08:23That's how we get out, man.

01:08:24And I'm glad I met her when I did, too.

01:08:26I met her kind of later, like, almost when I was closer to 30, which I think was perfect,

01:08:29because, like I said, I was for the streets early.

01:08:32You know what I mean?

01:08:33I was, bro.

01:08:34I was out here, you know?

01:08:35And it wasn't 100% my fault.

01:08:37I was a victim.

01:08:39I was a victim for the circumstances.

01:08:41It's like, when you're a college athlete and stuff like that, it just falls in your lap.

01:08:43Like, it just comes.

01:08:44That's what comes with it, you know what I mean?

01:08:45And I'm glad I went to college where I did, by the way.

01:08:48I went to college in Montana, right?

01:08:50Yeah, I went to a PWI, predominantly white institution.

01:08:55And I'm so glad I went there, you know, because I had visited HBCU before I signed with the

01:09:00school, and I knew that wasn't for me.

01:09:03I knew it wasn't, because I went to the Circle City Classic, right?

01:09:05If y'all don't know what that is, that's drumline in real life, pretty much, right?

01:09:08It was Jackson State versus FAMU, Free and AJ there.

01:09:11Like, it's a party.

01:09:11Like, the stadium where the Colts play, full of nothing but black college kids, right?

01:09:16And I'm looking at all these beautiful black men, and I'm like, yeah, ain't no way in

01:09:18hell I'm going here.

01:09:20Because if I go to that HBCU, I'm coming back to California with at least 15, 16 kids.

01:09:25Like, I'm taking them down, you know what I mean?

01:09:28Like, that's overwhelming for a young 19-year-old unsupervised kid with all them beautiful black

01:09:33women.

01:09:33I can't do that.

01:09:34You know what I mean?

01:09:35But in Montana, it was just a little easier to be like, uh, easy, Karen.

01:09:38You know what I mean?

01:09:38Like, you know?

01:09:39Like, don't get me wrong.

01:09:39I was fucking him, too.

01:09:40But like, not at the volume as I would have been doing with the black girls.

01:09:44You know what I mean?

01:09:44You know, it's just, that would have been too much.

01:09:46And to be honest, I'm really happy I went there because I think, I honestly think it

01:09:51was better for me.

01:09:52Because, if I could be honest with y'all, you know, I knew the way I was.

01:09:56I knew who I was.

01:09:57And truthfully, I don't even know if I should say this.

01:10:04I mean, I've already crossed all the lines.

01:10:06Whatever.

01:10:08It's just, I'll be vulnerable.

01:10:10It's just, it's just way easier to, it's just way easier to convince a white girl to get

01:10:21an abortion.

01:10:21Now, hear me out.

01:10:22Hear me out.

01:10:24Hear me out.

01:10:27Hear me out.

01:10:29It's not because they're less than.

01:10:31It's not because they have any less morals or anything like that.

01:10:33It's just an easier argument.

01:10:35Because, like, if I get Keisha pregnant at the HBCU, she not getting rid of my baby.

01:10:41Because I'm a good black.

01:10:42I'm a good, like, I'm a good black man.

01:10:44She not, that would be dumb on her part.

01:10:46Her mama would be in her ear, like, that's the dude that got you pregnant?

01:10:48No, you keeping that.

01:10:48You keeping that.

01:10:50Because, you know, I'm a good dude.

01:10:52Like, you know, I come from a two-parent home.

01:10:53I'm on scholarship, so I'm athletic.

01:10:55You know what I mean?

01:10:56I know the Lord, you know?

01:10:57Like, smart.

01:10:58He's good looking.

01:10:59Like, my genes, everything.

01:11:00Like, this little baby gonna be the next Obama or some shit.

01:11:03Like, she know that.

01:11:04So you don't get rid of my baby.

01:11:06You get rid of them fuckboys' babies, not mine.

01:11:07She's like, nah.

01:11:08And she knows at the very least if being her don't work out, I'm still gonna be a good-ass

01:11:11dad.

01:11:12So there's nothing I can convince a black woman to get rid of my baby.

01:11:14She's like, hell no.

01:11:15We gonna make this work.

01:11:16You know what I mean?

01:11:18But with a white girl in Montana, and I'm just making this story up.

01:11:22But let's say, let's say hypothetically, hypothetically, it's your senior year, right?

01:11:33Season's over.

01:11:34You ready to go home.

01:11:36One of the volleyball girls comes up to you.

01:11:39You guys maybe have been messing around for a while.

01:11:42She goes, hey, I got something to tell you.

01:11:43You're like, what's up?

01:11:44I just wanna let you know, I'm pregnant.

01:11:47And you're like, that's crazy.

01:11:52Word.

01:11:53And she's like, yeah.

01:11:54And I'm thinking about keeping it.

01:11:56And you're like, that's crazy.

01:12:00That's crazy.

01:12:01You gonna keep a baby?

01:12:02Wow.

01:12:03Okay.

01:12:06Okay, well, you know what?

01:12:07I'll support whatever decision you wanna make.

01:12:10You know what I mean?

01:12:10If you wanna do it, I'll be here.

01:12:11And then you start trying to look at the positive.

01:12:12You're like, well, shit.

01:12:14She's six foot.

01:12:14I'm six foot.

01:12:15We both college athletes.

01:12:16This kid gonna be a beast.

01:12:17He's probably going to the league.

01:12:18I can make this work.

01:12:19You know what I mean?

01:12:20You're trying to rationalize the best you can.

01:12:23But you know you don't want this baby.

01:12:25All right?

01:12:25And you're like, damn, okay.

01:12:27Well, whatever you wanna do, I'm here.

01:12:28But I just want you to think about some things.

01:12:30You realize there's gonna be a black baby in Montana.

01:12:38People gonna be looking.

01:12:41There's gonna be a lot to come with that.

01:12:42Matter of fact, what's your daddy gonna say?

01:12:45And she's like, ooh, you right.

01:12:45Boop.

01:12:46And she get rid of it.

01:12:46I'm just saying.

01:12:49Remember earlier when I said a little bit of racism is okay?

01:12:51Sometimes.

01:12:53Sometimes a little racism saves your life.

01:12:54You know what I mean?

01:12:55Sometimes.

01:12:57And I just made that story up.

01:12:59I don't know what happened to that dude.

01:13:00I don't.

01:13:01I think he went on to be a really dope comedian and do an hour special in front of Vegas.

01:13:04So thank y'all so much.

01:13:06Keon Pauley, you guys have been absolutely amazing.

01:13:09Thank you guys very, very much.

01:13:11I sincerely appreciate it.

01:13:14Thank y'all.

01:13:14Thank y'all very much, man.

01:13:16Thank you guys.

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