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00:17Oh, Vicka!
00:22Good morning, Vicka.
00:24How nice of you to drop by for a chat.
00:29Hyacinth.
00:30Telephone.
00:31Shhh.
00:32Please don't shout in the street, Richard.
00:36I apologize, Vicka.
00:37I must answer my white slimline telephone with Lassen and the Rican facility.
00:42It's bound to be someone important.
00:45Oh, do pick the Vicka up, Richard.
00:48It makes the street look so untidy.
00:53And the lady of the house speaking.
00:56Sheridan.
00:58Oh, I'm so glad you've called, dear.
01:02You've saved Mummy picking up the Vicka.
01:04Daddy didn't tell me you were on the telephone.
01:08Oh, Sheridan.
01:09How could he not know it was you?
01:12You grew up together.
01:15Hmm?
01:16You disguised your voice, dear.
01:18Why did you disguise your voice?
01:20There's something personal you wish to share with Mummy that Daddy wouldn't understand.
01:25Oh, Sheridan.
01:27Oh, Sheridan.
01:27I think it's wonderful that you still feel you can confide in Mummy.
01:31Hmm?
01:32That we're still such pals.
01:34Now, what is it, dear?
01:36You need 70 pounds.
01:40This great cry ran out.
01:42My foot slipped off the pedal and I lost my balance.
01:44But when she shouts like that, people do.
01:47Mrs. Bucket, Bouquet has an extremely powerful voice.
01:52Look at the practice it gets.
01:57How do you manage?
01:59It's like the army.
02:01You just follow orders.
02:03Every move is worked out for you and your meals appear on time.
02:06But they only sign on for 20 years.
02:11Underneath, she's really quite kind.
02:13Oh, yes.
02:18That's a mudguard.
02:20Morning, all.
02:21Hang on, Emmett.
02:22I'm going your way.
02:24Fast, I hope.
02:26Chin up.
02:41Hey, handsome.
02:46Breakfast time, oh mighty husband.
02:58Breakfast time, oh man of my life.
03:08What's all this in aid of?
03:11Just a little thoughtful act of the kind wives do for husbands.
03:18I'm not doing the garden.
03:20I did it last year.
03:23You did it when?
03:25Alright, year before last.
03:27It's not the garden.
03:28I thought we might spend the day together.
03:31Just the two of us.
03:35Father's going to the over 60s.
03:37Rose has an appointment with a gentleman friend.
03:41We've got the house to ourselves.
03:48You're right, I should do the garden.
03:52Eat your breakfast.
04:06Good morning.
04:09Good morning.
04:11Good morning.
04:11Good morning.
04:17It's clean to me.
04:19It does to me now.
04:28False.
04:31Plastic.
04:36Why does Sheridan need 70 pounds?
04:40At that age, they always need 70 pounds.
04:44Ever since I can remember, he's been at that age.
04:48Yes, it's true, he matured very early.
04:52Even in the Cubs, he had more equipment than the SAS.
04:55Yes.
04:58How it breaks a mummy's heart to see her son go off in uniform.
05:03To the Cub Scouts.
05:05For two hours on a Wednesday.
05:08I didn't see Emmet this morning.
05:11No, he left early.
05:14Poor shy Emmet.
05:16It can't be easy for him to communicate with someone he sets on such a high pedestal.
05:23They're rehearsing the boyfriend.
05:27I didn't tell me.
05:29Hiya, Simp.
05:30We've been married all these years.
05:32I've never been able to tell you anything.
05:34Two coffees, please.
05:36We'll have coffee at home.
05:38Come along, Richard.
05:45Very nice. Thank you.
05:47Oh, God.
06:00OK.
06:09Take care.
06:10Okay.
06:12Okay.
06:16Well?
06:18Any more bacon?
06:28Poor Emmett.
06:29I'm sure he'd love to ask me to be in the boyfriend, but he's too shy.
06:35I've noticed before I have this effect on him.
06:39He mustn't be jealous, Richard.
06:41It's purely platonic.
06:44But isn't the boyfriend full of young people?
06:481920s flappers?
06:49Yes, it is. Wouldn't it be lovely?
06:53Won't it need someone younger?
06:56Well, I can do younger.
07:00It's all to do with acting.
07:02Make-up, wigs and things.
07:04You can't have forgotten my fairy queen in the church pantomime.
07:07I haven't forgotten, and I don't think that I ever will.
07:10I can do it.
07:22She's out.
07:25Let me be the first to congratulate you on your timing.
07:29That is possibly the most beautiful phrase in the English language.
07:32She's out.
07:34It rings like music to the ears.
07:36They've gone out in the car.
07:38Was she singing anything?
07:39Especially anything 1920s?
07:41She was giving Richard his instructions, as usual.
07:44He wasn't singing.
07:45Oh, she will be.
07:47Once she learns I'm rehearsing the boyfriend, she won't only be singing at me.
07:52She'll be singing 1920s at me.
07:55She can't expect a part in the boyfriend.
07:58Well, she's too old.
07:59Well, even hyacinth wouldn't ex-
08:20I'd be contented.
08:24Go for your ten minutes, Elizabeth.
08:26Bring Emma to her, Joan.
08:50What are you doing here, Rose?
08:52I thought you were out for the day.
08:54I've never been so insulted in all my life.
08:56If that's true, it must have been a big day.
09:00I was planning on a big day.
09:03I was planning on having Onslow to myself.
09:06Lucky you.
09:07I've been setting the stall out to ignite whatever spark is left.
09:11How are you doing?
09:13Not very well.
09:14We're out of bacon.
09:16I'll come with you.
09:17Oh, men.
09:19You can't trust them.
09:21Now, we all know it's not my style to be dictatorial.
09:26I don't want to overwhelm poor Emmett.
09:28This is something we have to do with tact and discretion.
09:32We have to do?
09:34Hmm.
09:34I've been conscripted.
09:36It is like the army.
09:38Now, when we're having coffee,
09:40I want you to walk in here very casually
09:42and switch on the hi-fi.
09:50You don't usually have music when they come for coffee.
09:53In fact, usually you have coffee in the kitchen.
09:55Normally, yes.
09:57But today I shall bring Elizabeth and Emmett in here
09:59and we shall wallow in the superior ambiance
10:03of my house beautiful look-alike lounge.
10:07I feel an idiot just walking in
10:10and switching on the hi-fi.
10:12It's all ready.
10:13Hey, just remember, not too loud.
10:16Nothing excessive.
10:18You know me.
10:18I'm a great believer in understatement.
10:24I think you should change, dear.
10:26Why should I change?
10:28Oh, try to create a more 1920s atmosphere.
10:32Let people see it's something we're perfectly at home with.
10:35How am I going to do that?
10:38Oh, little touch of Fred Astaire.
10:40Come in as if you're in a good mood.
10:43Do a little twirl and a tap.
10:47It's not really me, Hyacinth.
10:49Don't be obstructive, Richard.
10:52We're trying to help Emmett.
10:56Tell her I've become allergic to coffee.
10:58Tell her I've just gone down with rigor mortis.
11:01Tell her I've gone to Greenland.
11:03Tell her I've...
11:03Ah!
11:05Now, that's a good idea.
11:07Why don't I go to Greenland?
11:09Well, get the place warm and I'll follow you.
11:11Oh, no, it's no good.
11:13Even if I got to Greenland,
11:15I expect the first Eskimo I came across
11:17would be holding candlelight suppers.
11:21No, you might just as well get it over.
11:24Come and have a coffee
11:25and make it perfectly clear to her
11:27that you have already picked your cast
11:29and then she'll leave you in peace.
11:31She never leaves me in peace.
11:34I'm destined to go through the rest of my life
11:36bearing a Hyacinth.
11:38She's really very fond of you.
11:41I can't think why.
11:43I'm as nasty as I can be.
11:45She thinks you're attracted to her.
11:52Now, sit down, Richard.
11:55We need to talk.
11:57Now.
11:59Oh, percolator.
12:03If it's about Sheridan,
12:05he's getting no more money this month.
12:07It's not Sheridan
12:09and you needn't be so mean with that child.
12:11He's not a child anymore.
12:14At his age,
12:15Alexander the Great was conquering Persia.
12:21Well, I certainly don't want
12:22my Sheridan conquering Persia.
12:25You know he mustn't get overexcited.
12:28The way he spends,
12:29it's me that gets excited.
12:31Shouldn't that be I, dear?
12:33Oh, probably.
12:35So what did thou want to speak to I
12:40about?
12:41Now, don't be silly, dear.
12:43I want to prepare you
12:45for what will happen
12:46if Emmett offers me
12:48a part in the boyfriend.
12:50Oh, I shouldn't set too many
12:52hopes on that, Hyacinth.
12:54It'll mean many hours
12:55working with Emmett.
12:56There'll be days
12:57when you have to get your own supper.
13:01And there is something else, dear.
13:04I've noticed I have
13:05a very powerful effect on Emmett.
13:08But you know you can trust me
13:11and I don't want you to be jealous.
13:14I think I might be able
13:16to manage that.
13:18Didn't you know he was married?
13:20Oh, yes.
13:21But I didn't know it was serious.
13:25What are you doing out?
13:27Ask your father.
13:28I thought he'd gone to the over-sixties.
13:30Well, he came back again, didn't he?
13:32That's no reason for you to go out.
13:34That's what I told him.
13:35But he said it's a restricted military area
13:38and all civilians have to leave.
13:41He's off again.
13:42Nice.
13:43Driven out your own house
13:44at Bayonet Point.
13:45How did he get a bayonet?
13:47I don't know where he got it from.
13:48But I could see
13:49where he thought it was going.
13:52Rose?
13:53Did you forget to give him his pills?
13:56Oh, I thought you were giving him them.
13:59So a bloke gets no peace
14:00in his own house.
14:01If it's not his wife going, Broody,
14:02it's her crazy father.
14:04Well, I want him out
14:05before the racing starts on the telly.
14:07Oh, he's not crazy.
14:09He's just a bit senile.
14:11A bit?
14:12He thinks I'm a German paratrooper.
14:16I bet you took gorgeous
14:18in the uniform.
14:23Oh, come along, Emmett.
14:25Let's get it over with.
14:30Ring the bell.
14:33It's never too late to have a beautiful...
14:39I can't do it.
14:41Yes, you can.
14:47You weren't really serious
14:49when you said
14:50she thinks I'm
14:52attracted to her.
14:54She's noticed
14:56she has a powerful effect on you.
14:58You can say that again.
15:01And she thinks
15:02it's because you find her attractive.
15:05I think I want to die.
15:08Ring the bell.
15:15Elizabeth!
15:17Emmett!
15:19Poor Emmett.
15:21I do fluster him, so...
15:22Come in, come in.
15:24Come in, come in.
15:25Come in, come in.
15:26Come in, come in.
15:27Oh, it's never...
15:32Richard will be with us in a flash.
15:34Oh, I expect that's someone important.
15:38No, no, no, no, no.
15:40We're in the lounge today.
15:42I'll be with you in a moment.
15:45OK, you residents,
15:46the lady of the house speaking.
15:49It's my sister Daisy.
15:51She's not the one
15:52with the Mercedes sauna
15:53and room for a pony.
15:55Why are you calling
15:56from a telephone box, Daisy?
15:58Hmm?
16:00What do you mean
16:01you can't get in?
16:02Have you lost your keys?
16:04Well, why won't Daddy
16:05let anyone in?
16:07He's had orders
16:08to defend the house
16:09to the last man.
16:12What a wonderful sense
16:13of duty, Daddy.
16:14He has.
16:14Yes.
16:16No, I cannot come over, dear.
16:19We have guests.
16:25Just hold on a minute,
16:26will you, Daisy?
16:29I'm so sorry about this.
16:32Sister talk.
16:33Oh, sisters.
16:36Sisters.
16:37They are never such devoted sisters.
16:44Music, Richard.
16:45Music, dear.
16:46And pour the coffee out.
16:50Sisters.
16:51Sisters.
16:53They are never such devoted sisters.
16:56Now, where were we, Daisy?
16:57Hmm?
16:58You've had to put another 20p in.
17:00Oh, I'm sorry about that.
17:01Yes.
17:03No, I will not allow Onslow
17:06to come over here
17:07and watch racing on my television.
17:15Now, I know you have a problem
17:17with Daddy, dear.
17:18What?
17:20He has a bayonet.
17:22Is it a real one
17:23or a toy one?
17:25Is it sharp?
17:26All right.
17:27All right, Daisy.
17:30Now, go back home
17:31and we'll be over straight away.
17:36Ooh.
17:38Ooh.
17:41Ooh.
17:44I know you've been disappointed,
17:46but something's just come up.
17:48Put that dreadful music off, Richard.
17:52No one will have coffee on my return.
17:55Well, I hope it's nothing serious, I see.
17:57No, no, no.
17:59It's just that Daddy's locked himself in again
18:00and this time he may cut himself.
18:02I'll go.
18:03I'll catch you later.
18:07Locked himself in?
18:08With a rifle and a bayonet.
18:10He's defending the house to the last man.
18:13Shall we call for help?
18:14I cannot allow Daddy
18:15to be manhandled by strangers.
18:18Now, Richard, you'll have to fetch him.
18:19Well, me?
18:20Yes, you.
18:21Oh, is he violent?
18:22Yes, of course he's violent.
18:24He's defending the house to the last man.
18:27Now, what shall I wear?
18:35I can't see him.
18:38Rappi's forgotten all about it
18:39and gone back to bed.
18:42Somebody better go in and check.
18:44How about you?
18:45He's your father.
18:47Anyway, I can't go.
18:48He thinks I'm a Nazi paratrooper.
18:51I'll go.
19:07Oh, nice.
19:09And I'll soon be off at Wincanton.
19:11I'll tell him the war's over.
19:13He won't believe me.
19:15He'll think I'm a spy.
19:17Is that bayonet very sharp?
19:19I didn't fancy waiting to find out.
19:30It's been a funny day.
19:33I was hoping for a quiet day.
19:36Just the two of us.
19:38I'm still waiting for that bacon.
19:43Some people have foreplay.
19:45I have to grill bacon.
19:48I expect they've forgotten Daddy's medication.
19:51Daddy should be in a home which is organised.
19:55I'd have him with us in a flash
19:56if I wasn't rehearsing the boyfriend.
19:59Mind that old lady.
20:02Where was the old lady?
20:04Going into that shop.
20:07You think that I was going to ram-raid the shop?
20:10That is not enough.
20:12Bless him, he must be tired.
20:14Why should he be tired?
20:16It's a big responsibility fighting a war.
20:18All on your own.
20:40Daddy, once he's better, we'll have him over.
20:45One afternoon.
20:47For tea and light refreshments.
20:50In the garden.
20:53The back garden, of course.
20:57Oh, good heavens.
20:59They've been selling tickets.
21:05No wonder Daddy thinks there's still a war on him.
21:17Is it safe to get out, do you think?
21:19I don't think your father's going to hurt you.
21:23I'm not afraid of Daddy.
21:26It's the neighbours round here.
21:29What are you worried about?
21:31I feel like Marie Antoinette.
21:37Hello, Hyacinth.
21:38Hello, Richard.
21:39Hello, Daisy.
21:40Good morning, Daisy.
21:41It looks as if Daddy's causing quite a lot of interest.
21:44Yes, he is.
21:46Come on.
21:48Oh, by the way, this is Bert and Martha.
21:52This is my sister, Hyacinth.
21:54How do you do?
21:55And this is Charlie.
21:56He works down the drains and part-time in the sandwich shop.
22:00And this is Beryl and Willie.
22:02They're old friends of ours.
22:04Well, not that old.
22:06Oh, and I mustn't forget Ethel.
22:08She was Miss Southwalt in 1948.
22:11Yeah.
22:12Fascinating.
22:16He started to doze off again.
22:18This would be a good time, then.
22:20It doesn't take much to wake him.
22:22It is more than could be said for some people.
22:27Right.
22:27Operation Daddy.
22:50Daddy!
22:58Poor Daddy.
22:59He's sleeping now.
23:01Sit down, Hyacinth.
23:11This one's yours.
23:12No sugar, right?
23:14No sugar, that's right.
23:18I've been wanting to talk to you.
23:20Now, you know I would have Daddy with us,
23:22but he brings Sheridan out in a rush.
23:26It's not about Daddy.
23:27I've been wanting to talk to you privately.
23:31It's about Onslow.
23:33I warned you, Daisy, not to marry him.
23:36I like being married to him.
23:38I think you're so brave, dear.
23:40It's just that we don't seem to be,
23:44you know, as close as we used to be.
23:49I was wondering if you and Richard were still,
23:53you know, as close as you used to be.
23:56Oh, yes, of course, absolutely.
24:00I think Richard and I are the perfect pair.
24:03I can't think of a couple I admire more.
24:07I think that's nice.
24:10How do you keep his, uh, attention?
24:14Well, just raise your voice, dear.
24:18I've been meaning to ask you, Dickie.
24:21You and Hyacinth sleep in the same bedroom, don't you?
24:25Yes, why?
24:26And share a double bed?
24:29Yeah.
24:29Yeah.
24:30You've got some nerve.
24:32I really do admire that.
24:36Just between you and me,
24:37how do you handle things when she gets a bit,
24:41you know, friendly?
24:43Friendly?
24:45Well, I said it's a very clean establishment,
24:47but I wouldn't call it friendly.
24:49What would you do if, in the middle of the night,
24:52you suddenly felt a friendly arm around you?
24:56I'd get straighter.
24:57I'd know I was in the wrong bed.
25:02And you mean you still find Onslow desirable?
25:06I always think he's like Marlon Brando
25:10in Streetcar Named Desire.
25:13Control yourself, Daisy.
25:15You're a married woman.
25:18Marriage is a fine institution
25:20designed to eradicate feelings like that.
25:25You know what your trouble is?
25:29You've nothing to polish.
25:32You've no royal doonton.
25:35I know.
25:37What about flower arranging?
25:39I don't think that would be quite the same thing.
25:45What's wrong with Daisy?
25:46She thinks Onslow's growing more and more attractive.
25:50I think that's rather nice, really.
25:54And the bus.
25:56I think you lost interest in me
25:59once you had Sherryland.
26:00Oh, don't be silly, dear.
26:03How can you say that?
26:06Who was it stuck by you
26:07when you wanted to join the history book club?
26:09I always made sure you had plenty to read.
26:12But you don't think that I'm growing
26:14more and more attractive, do you?
26:17Good heavens, no.
26:18I don't know.
26:20I don't know.
26:21I don't know.
26:21I don't know.
26:21I don't know.
26:22I don't know.
26:22I don't know.
26:22I don't know.
26:23I don't know.
26:23I don't know.
26:23I don't know.