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00:16I wish you'd smile more when you're gardening, Richard.
00:22Pssst!
00:25If I do that, they're going to lock me away.
00:29Try to look as though you're enjoying it, dear.
00:32But I don't particularly enjoy it. It's just something that has to be done.
00:36Well, that's how it appears.
00:38The garden looks well enough.
00:41Oh, it's not the garden, dear. It's you.
00:46You look as though you're not enjoying doing it.
00:49Which gives the impression that we can't afford a gardener.
00:53Can't afford a gardener?
00:55Shh, Richard, keep your voice down.
00:57My dear, if we can't afford a gardener,
01:01that's all the more reason why we should look as though we can afford a gardener.
01:08So, in the future,
01:11could you look like someone who enjoys doing his own gardening,
01:14but could afford a gardener if he wanted to?
01:19Oh, I do believe that's the Carradines.
01:27It was. It was the Carradines.
01:31She used to be Baxter's Biscuits, you remember?
01:34I remember.
01:36Oof!
01:39Oof!
01:40Oof!
01:41Unmannerly oaf.
01:42Sheridan would be furious if he knew that strangers were honking at his mummy.
01:50Do you think there's life after death?
01:54I hope so.
01:55There's not that much before.
02:05I'm just getting my second wind.
02:08And all this loving your neighbours stuff.
02:11I mean, just look at the sort of neighbours we've got.
02:14What?
02:15I mean, anybody who lives next door to us is hardly the kind of neighbour
02:18that you can go about loving.
02:20I wouldn't mind if I lived with our hyacinth.
02:24Her neighbour's terrific.
02:26Emmet.
02:26Oh, does she?
02:28If anybody's loved their neighbours, you have.
02:32I bet nobody's cast a wider net.
02:35What's brought all this on our roles?
02:37I met this born-again Christian.
02:40Where?
02:41In the pub.
02:44Must have been his night off.
02:53What are you doing?
02:55I'm just emptying the pedal bin, dear.
02:59I've done that.
03:01Oh, yes, so you have. Silly me.
03:05Anyway, I'm just coming.
03:12What are you doing now?
03:20Are you in a draught, dear?
03:23No.
03:23What are you doing?
03:24When you're retired, you have to be particularly careful about being in draughts.
03:34I'm just checking the letterbox to make sure we haven't received any more leaflets about cheap double glazing.
04:02No, there aren't any leaflets.
04:09No, there aren't any leaflets.
04:11It's as if it were my birthday tomorrow.
04:14Are you looking forward to your present?
04:16Are you excited, dear?
04:17You don't look it.
04:19I will not have you not excited, Richard.
04:24Well, I usually get slippers.
04:27I mean, nobody likes slippers more than I do, but they're not an item about which you get really excited,
04:34so if you don't mind, I'll wait until tomorrow to get excited.
04:39As you please.
04:42Oh, it's very late.
04:43Is that an emergency?
04:46The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
04:50Look, if this is an emergency, please say it's not Sheridan.
04:55Oh, it's you, Rose, yes.
04:58Do I believe in what, dear?
05:01Well, of course I believe there's life after death.
05:04Richard and I will be an entity for eternity.
05:14Where are you on life after death?
05:22I'm an optimistic don't know.
05:26If there is an afterlife, do you think we'll be slimmer?
05:33I expect so.
05:35I don't suppose they'll do as many chips.
05:38Maybe they'll let us send out for some chips.
05:41No, I could just fancy some chips.
05:45Our Iosynth doesn't think it's a good idea that I talk to the vicar.
05:48I bet the vicar's wife doesn't think it's a good idea, no, I know.
05:52You only want to talk to him because he's a dishy vicar.
05:56Listen, if I'm going to go religious, I might as well go first class.
06:00Here, Rose, are you feeling Christian enough to do us all a few chips?
06:04Bog off on slow.
06:07Oh, nice.
06:09Born again bone idle.
06:14Now, Richard, just stand there, dear, and keep your eyes tightly closed.
06:20We don't usually have all this fast. Normally you just give me the slippers.
06:25Now, you keep them closed.
06:27I'll be with you in a minute.
06:30Keep them closed.
06:33You can open them now.
06:36Now.
06:42Happy birthday, Richard.
06:45What is it?
06:47It's a drain pipe. You bought me a drain pipe.
06:50No.
06:51But go on, open it.
06:54Open it.
06:55Oh, come on.
06:57We ought to wish Richard a happy birthday.
06:59I do wish Richard a happy birthday, Liz.
07:02If anyone ever needed a happy birthday, it is Richard.
07:06Well then, come on.
07:12Emmett, you can't stay hiding indoors forever.
07:16Do you know you're getting prison pallor?
07:23I'll catch him when he's alone.
07:26When is Richard ever alone?
07:28Precisely, Liz.
07:30Maybe I could sneak him off for a quiet drink somewhere.
07:33Give the poor devil a break.
07:35I'm sure he'd enjoy that.
07:37The trick is,
07:39trying to get him free from the clutches of
07:42the creature from the Black Lagoon.
07:46Frankenstein created a monster.
07:48And it sings.
07:51Look, take the bull by the horns.
07:53Just say to Hyacinth,
07:55I'm going to take Richard out for a birthday drink.
07:58You want me to take her by the horns?
08:01What kind of advice is that?
08:16Skies?
08:18All the best people have them.
08:20What am I going to do with skis?
08:23Well, I thought they'd look well on the car, dear.
08:29You can take them for a drive occasionally.
08:36The Carradines.
08:38They have skis on their car.
08:40Oh, did they? What a coincidence.
08:43The wrong age for skis.
08:46Nonsense.
08:47You're never too old to put skis on your car.
08:50It seems a bit odd buying skis not to ski.
08:53Oh, Richard.
08:55You don't imagine everyone who has skis on his car actually skis.
08:58Good heavens, no.
09:02I mean, you don't expect everyone with a feather in his hat to be a partridge.
09:09Well, how am I going to get them on the car?
09:12It means I'll have to buy one of those rack things.
09:15No, no, no.
09:16We can borrow Violet's and Bruce's.
09:19They used to ski.
09:20Then why didn't you borrow Violet and Bruce's skis?
09:24Richard, I will not have you going about with shabby substandard borrowed skis.
09:30No, you can take your new skis to Violet's and then we'll borrow their rack.
09:36No, I can leave the skis here and just go and get the rack.
09:39But then the people in Bruce's area won't see you with your new skis.
09:44Only a second-hand rack.
09:46Oh!
09:48Please leave the planning to me, Richard.
09:51Oh, that'll be someone important.
09:56The bouquet residence, the lady of the house speaking.
10:00Oh, hello, Rose. Yes.
10:03Well, why do you want the vicar's telephone number, dear?
10:05Hmm?
10:07What sort of questions?
10:09Oh, I don't think you can ask the vicar a question like that, Rose.
10:12No.
10:13Well, yes, I'm sure that he'd see you privately if you insist.
10:18You'd have to go to the vicarage.
10:21Hmm?
10:22What makes you think the vicarage will be unfriendly, dear?
10:26Well, yes, of course I suppose his wife will be there.
10:29What sort of a personal chat is it you want with this vicar?
10:33Look, Rose, if you need somewhere private, bring him here.
10:38Then I can keep an eye on you and Richard can show him his skis.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:57Happy birthday, Richard.
10:59Thank you, Emmet.
11:00Are you going skiing?
11:02You're going to her sister Violet, actually.
11:06Didn't know they lived that far north.
11:12Hello, Emmet.
11:15How are you?
11:16I was feeling quite well, thank you, Hyacinth.
11:19We're just off to my sister Violet's, you know, the one with the Mercedes, the sauna and room for a
11:24pony.
11:25LAUGHTER
11:28Richard, please be more careful.
11:30I think that's the highest note you've reached in quite a while.
11:34LAUGHTER
11:36Mind what you're doing with those skis.
11:38There's more ski than car.
11:40Oh, they'll be fine once we've borrowed Bruce's rack.
11:46What do you wear for a vicar?
11:49LAUGHTER
11:50Whatever it is, you won't have that kind of stuff.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56How about a dishy vicar?
11:59LAUGHTER
11:59Behave yourself, Rose.
12:01You're supposed to be interested in life after death, not before.
12:05Did you shuffle these cards?
12:07I'm a good shuffler.
12:08That's in bed.
12:10LAUGHTER
12:11How would you know? You're never awake.
12:15LAUGHTER
12:15That's what I miss, a little companionship in my lonely bed.
12:19No wonder yours is a lonely bed, you're always in somebody else's.
12:23LAUGHTER
12:25Well, it's just a desperate search for happiness.
12:29Why do you give me cards like this?
12:31It's such a relief to see you're getting worked up about something.
12:35Just play the cards.
12:37Oh, I love it when he orders me to do things.
12:41Yeah!
12:45Oh.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:50LAUGHTER
12:55I'll never be able to drive.
12:57Oh, do stop making difficulties, Richard.
13:00We make difficulties.
13:01You're never going to get the hang of skis if you don't practice with them.
13:07LAUGHTER
13:07Oh, Richard, just leave on my hat.
13:11It's difficult to not making room for your hats, never mind skis.
13:15Oh.
13:17I want you to start being at ease with skis, Richard.
13:21LAUGHTER
13:21I wish you'd bought me slippers.
13:23I'm at ease with slippers.
13:25I really thought you'd take to all this much quicker, Richard.
13:29You're quite good with snowballs and Christmassy things.
13:33There's more to this than just enjoying a mince pie.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:42When we get to Violet's, don't park the car next to the Mercedes, Richard.
13:46I always think our car looks better, not park next to a Mercedes.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:53Oh, look! Isn't that the two Miss Pillsworths?
13:57Yes, it is! Stop the car, Richard!
14:02LAUGHTER
14:02We'll give them a lift.
14:04Suppose they don't want a lift.
14:06You remember their father.
14:08There's not room for him as well.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:11No, their father was Colonel Pillsworth.
14:14A very old family.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:34I'm trying to persuade them to come to one of my candlelight suppers.
14:37But apparently the elder Miss Pillsworth is allergic to naked flame.
14:41Aren't we all?
14:43I promised you'd extinguish her straight away.
14:46LAUGHTER
14:47Oh, Lord, it's a candlelight, Queen.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:51They must be drawing us together.
14:52Do let us give you a lift.
14:54What does she say?
14:56She wants to give us a lift.
14:58Are you sure there'll be room?
15:01You must make room, Richard.
15:04Why should we give her a lift?
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07Pay attention.
15:08I will not stand to attention.
15:12Who is she thinks she is?
15:14Come along, ladies.
15:16Oh, excuse me.
15:17Would you like to come round the other side?
15:20I think you know Richard.
15:21How are you, Richard?
15:23How long have you driven for this woman?
15:25Don't know how you can stand it.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:34Are you expecting snow?
15:36LAUGHTER
15:38Richard seldom goes far without his skis.
15:42He likes to be ready for the first flakes.
15:44LAUGHTER
15:45I'm just a beginner.
15:47Can't get any thinner.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51There we are.
16:04LAUGHTER
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06LAUGHTER
16:07My client's train is too much for my suspender.
16:11LAUGHTER
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13Oh, perhaps another time, Mrs Bucket.
16:16It's bouquet.
16:18It's not OK, baby.
16:22Crescent, I don't think this is going to work.
16:26Where there's a will, Richard.
16:32LAUGHTER
16:32Excuse me.
16:35LAUGHTER
16:38You must let me call with the recipe
16:40and a jar of my delicious gentleman's relish.
16:43I have an extensive repertoire of tit-bits for the executive palette.
16:49LAUGHTER
16:49Like a rhinestone cowboy
16:52Making out on a horse at the Star Spangled Rodeo
16:56Like a rhinestone cowboy
16:58You're in a good mood.
17:00Why not?
17:02It's been almost like a holiday.
17:04A little holiday.
17:05An entire week without a bucket.
17:08A bucket?
17:08The dreaded bucket.
17:11Oh, that one.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:13Yes, oh, that one.
17:15It's too good to last, of course, but it's been refreshing.
17:20Which is more than I can savour this tea.
17:21I know, isn't it awful?
17:23Well, why do we buy it?
17:24We don't.
17:24The ladies' circle gets it for us at a discount.
17:28Oh, isn't that marvellous?
17:29To realise that in the eyes of my flock
17:31I'm associated with the utmost in economy.
17:33I think they only keep a vicar
17:35because we're cheaper than most domestic animals.
17:36They like you.
17:38Not judging by this tea, they don't.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:48We'll just pop in for a minute to my sister Violets.
17:51Violence?
17:52I suspect it as much.
17:55And then we'll take you to where you were going.
17:57Oh, we would have been there by now.
18:00You'll like my sister Violet,
18:02and he's very well known in racing circles.
18:05Violet once had tea with the wife of the Postmaster General.
18:09She still has the plastic spoon.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:26You shitty...
18:29Reverse, Richard.
18:30Look back out now, Richard.
18:33Wasn't that your Violet pouring...
18:35Take the tourist Pillsworths
18:37and show them the beauties of the area.
18:40It's a very, very nice residential area.
18:52Do enjoy the trip, Miss Pillsworths,
18:54and do take note of the gay colours
18:57of the more upmarket security systems.
18:59LAUGHTER
19:00That person was pouring water.
19:02Yes.
19:03And did you notice the lovely glass?
19:05My sister has the most superior glassware.
19:08This one.
19:08Some of it most tastefully engraved
19:11with a list of injured jockeys.
19:14Up there, Richard.
19:16Now.
19:17And leave them at a bustle, dear.
19:20LAUGHTER
19:21Can we be kidnapped?
19:24Will she want a ransom?
19:26Can we afford a ransom?
19:30LAUGHTER
19:31Why can't she walk to the vicarage?
19:34Oh, for goodness sake,
19:35you can give the woman a lift.
19:37We were going that way anyway.
19:39Who was?
19:40I was.
19:42To the library.
19:44I'm just a plaything
19:46in the hands of you females.
19:49LAUGHTER
19:52I'm not a toy daze.
19:54You've got to stop thinking of me
19:56as just a sexual object.
19:58I'm not just here for your amusement.
20:01Oh, come on.
20:03You're here partially for my amusement.
20:06You can't find everything in the library.
20:09LAUGHTER
20:11We need a new car.
20:13You should spend more time with me.
20:15My engine's still running.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20LAUGHTER
20:25You want skiing things when my heart is broken?
20:28Take it!
20:29Mm-hm.
20:30Please don't exaggerate, Violet.
20:32Your heart is not broken.
20:34LAUGHTER
20:37Hearts are seldom broken in good residential areas.
20:41LAUGHTER
20:41Who says ski rack?
20:43Take it!
20:46LAUGHTER
20:47That's very kind of you, dear.
20:49We'll take good care of it.
20:51How can you think of skiing
20:53when my life's in tatters?
20:56Not tatters, Violet.
20:58Not in an area with a postal code of this calibre.
21:01LAUGHTER
21:02I'm leaving him!
21:03I'm leaving Bruce!
21:06Get the rack on, Richard.
21:08LAUGHTER
21:15You cannot idly abandon marriage, Violet.
21:19He prefers horses.
21:22LAUGHTER
21:23Some things go too deep to be destroyed, dear.
21:26We all need things to cling to.
21:29I think he even prefers jockeys.
21:33LAUGHTER
21:35Don't do anything hastily in anger, dear.
21:38Think of the loneliness, Violet.
21:40You cannot walk out on anything as solid and sober and respectable as your own Mercedes.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48Please talk to someone, dear.
21:51LAUGHTER
21:57I want to talk to a vicar.
21:59Well, I can arrange that, dear.
22:01Yes, I'm sure you can save your marriage, Violet.
22:06Perhaps if you dressed a little more like a jockey.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:11Now, drive quickly, Richard.
22:14We must get Violet to the vicar before she does something uneconomic.
22:18Stop!
22:20LAUGHTER
22:24Now, look what you've done.
22:25You told me to stop.
22:28I didn't tell you to throw your birthday present under a passing card.
22:32Why did you say stop?
22:34You've forgotten Violet.
22:37LAUGHTER
22:39But...
22:39She was in the back.
22:41I mean, she was in the back.
22:44You gather up your skis, dear, and I'll go and locate Violet.
22:57LAUGHTER
22:59You don't need those yet.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:11How come we're doing all this and you're sitting there?
23:16Listen, that's what marriage is about.
23:19Doing things together.
23:21LAUGHTER
23:21I think you should start a motor.
23:24That's always been my impression.
23:26LAUGHTER
23:28You've got to learn to do these things.
23:31What are you going to do when I'm not here?
23:33The same as we've done when you've been here.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Do it ourselves.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:42Look at me.
23:45I'm as helpless as a kitten.
23:47I think you're about to have a visitor.
23:49That's what I'm here for.
23:50I'm glad you feel like that.
23:51It's a nuisance, of course, but first things first.
23:54Must have one's priorities. Duty calls.
23:57You know, my job is not without its satisfactions.
24:02People come in dismay and despair, and sometimes you can help.
24:06This one really needs help.
24:08Well, I'll certainly do my best.
24:09It's the bucket, woman.
24:12Tell her I've gone away. To China.
24:14What part of China?
24:15What the devil does it matter, what part of China?
24:18It'll matter to her.
24:19She'll only be impressed if it's a smart part.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:22Oh, come on, Michael.
24:25OK. I'll come and see her.
24:27There's a brave chap.
24:29Good luck.
24:32I've changed my mind.
24:34I don't want to see the vicar.
24:36It won't help.
24:38Now, come along, Violet.
24:40Pull yourself together.
24:41I don't want to look like a jockey for him.
24:45The next thing you know, he'll have me jumping over fences.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:49I want to divorce him.
24:53You are not going to divorce him.
24:56Oh, look!
24:57There's a squirrel.
24:58Right.
24:59Oh!
25:02Morning, vicar.
25:03Good morning.
25:04Oh!
25:05Hello, vicar.
25:06I don't think you've met my sister, Violet.
25:08She's the one with the Mercedes sauna and room for a pony.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:24Wasn't that our Violet?
25:27Yes.
25:31LAUGHTER
25:33Wasn't that our Hazen?
25:36Wasn't that...?
25:37Yes!
25:37Don't you sometimes wonder at the activities of the posher classes?
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00That woman's relentless.
26:02She's still chasing people to offer them lips.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:17Richard!
26:19Follow that sister!
26:21LAUGHTER