- 10 hours ago
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00:02Was that the papers?
00:06Are you asleep, Richard?
00:12I'm surprised you can sleep.
00:14You know, it's an important day for me.
00:18Hmm?
00:21I'll be surprised if you can sleep much longer.
00:26Did you bolt the door?
00:31It's that thing that stops there being a hole in the wall.
00:34It's the early hours of the morning.
00:37A particularly dangerous time for intruders.
00:41Why, what happens to them?
00:43Oh, don't you see me, dear?
00:46I'm only thinking of our safety.
00:48I don't want you worrying about intruders.
00:52I wasn't worrying, I was asleep.
00:55Lucky you.
00:56I might be asleep if I thought you'd bolted the door.
01:01Why don't I go and bolt the door?
01:05Oh, Richard, would you?
01:08What a kind thought.
01:12And see if the papers come while you're there.
01:14Oh, that's what this is all about.
01:19I thought I heard a noise.
01:21It might have been the paper.
01:23Could have been an intruder.
01:29And check the back door while you're there.
01:40There it is.
01:42Have a good look, lad.
01:44Dad, that's the house.
01:46The laird of the dragon lady.
01:48Mrs Buck.
01:51She's why we get up an hour early.
01:53Because it's worth it just to be able to walk down that path
01:55and deliver her milk without getting caught.
02:08Do you want me to go?
02:10All right.
02:12Better not.
02:12I promise your mother I'll look after you.
02:16You take that side.
02:17I'll go.
02:18I can do it.
02:21Just as long as I know she's safely in bed.
02:24I can't hear you checking, Richard.
02:31Answer me.
02:32I can't hear you checking.
02:34I'm checking as I go.
02:38Bring your candy.
02:45What are you doing?
02:46What are you doing about this hour?
02:48That's a good question.
02:49Richard?
02:51She's not getting up, is she?
02:53What kind of a man are you?
02:55Making your wife get up this early.
02:56She's not getting up.
02:58Can I have that in writing?
03:00I hope so.
03:02Right.
03:02I'll clear this lot up.
03:05Just make quite sure that she's not getting up.
03:15Who were you talking to?
03:17The milkman.
03:19Why is he always so early nowadays?
03:22I miss our little chats.
03:24Yes, so does he.
03:28At every opportunity.
03:32Richard, you're not going back to sleep again?
03:35Oh, it doesn't look like it.
03:37Surely you're a little excited to think I'm on the verge of a new career.
03:41Yeah, I am a little excited.
03:43I'm very sleepy and a little excited.
03:47I'm going to get back to sleep.
03:49Oh, right.
03:58It's no good.
04:00I must be up when the paper boy comes.
04:03Suppose when he pushes it through our letterbox,
04:06he tears the very page displaying my advertisement.
04:16I thought you were going.
04:18I was going.
04:19But Hyacinth keeps popping out every 30 seconds.
04:22Like a demented cuckoo clock.
04:25Oh, I'm never going to make it without her spotting me.
04:28I thought you wanted to be early today.
04:30I did want to be early,
04:31but not so badly that I want to get entangled with Hyacinth.
04:34You can't just stay indoors because you might meet Hyacinth.
04:38Oh, yes, I can.
04:40I know when I'm well off.
04:43There she goes again.
04:44What on earth is she doing?
05:04Go on, that's a chance.
05:06I'm never going to make it.
05:08Well, you won't if you don't hurry.
05:20I thought I heard him.
05:23How can you hear a paper boy?
05:25Half asleep in trainers.
05:26How much noise could he make?
05:28I do hate it when they're late.
05:30Well, is he late?
05:32Perhaps I'd better make a phone call.
05:35Who would you call for a lost paper boy?
05:38You can't call anybody.
05:40He won't be lost.
05:42He'll be on his way.
05:44I wonder if he's avoiding me deliberately
05:47because I made him wash his ears.
05:49What gave you cause to do that?
05:52I caught him poking them.
05:56I will not have my papers delivered by someone who pokes his ears.
06:02You brought the paper boy in to wash his ears?
06:05Good heavens, no, Richard.
06:07Of course I didn't.
06:09Do I look like the kind of person who'd have a paper boy indoors?
06:14No, I took him out a wet wipe.
06:18And I stood over him until he'd done the job properly.
06:22I may not be able to influence many of the ways of this world,
06:26but at least my paper boy has clean ears.
06:29Paper boy.
06:37Oh, what a beautiful cooey.
06:40Good morning, Emmett.
06:42Off to work, then?
06:43No, no.
06:45I thought I'd just pop out and begin strangling overpowering ladies.
06:48Oh, that's nice.
06:50Have you seen the paper?
06:52So that's who you're waiting for.
06:54I have an advertisement in the paper this morning.
06:57I want to make sure they've placed it somewhere suitable.
07:00I know what you mean, Hyacinth.
07:01There are certain things that we encounter in life
07:03that we'd all love to place somewhere suitable.
07:06Ah, there he is now.
07:08About time.
07:10I'm sorry, Emmett.
07:11I can't stop to converse.
07:14We must have our chat some other time.
07:17Young man!
07:30What has happened to you?
07:33Have you ever tried to catch a paper boy?
07:37Tea!
07:38Tea!
07:40Oh!
07:41Is your advert in?
07:43Oh, see if you can find it, will you, dear?
07:47Oh!
07:48I can't focus properly.
07:50The world's dancing about.
07:52Oh!
07:54Mmm!
07:55Oh, I'll have to collect myself before the phone begins to ring.
07:59Now that my advertisements appeared,
08:01I shall be inundated with cause.
08:03You'll have to help me, Richard.
08:05Are you sure it's in this week?
08:06Look for somewhere prestigious.
08:09It's quite small,
08:10but they promised specifically to put it somewhere prestigious.
08:14What does it say?
08:15Experienced hostess.
08:17Offers her services for your special occasion.
08:23Followed by my telephone number.
08:28Well, it is that all.
08:29No wonder I can't find it.
08:33Short and dignified, dear.
08:35You know me, I'm never one to go on at length.
08:38Not a lot of people know that.
08:43Don't be silly, dear.
08:44Don't be silly.
08:45Here it is.
08:46Here it is.
08:47Short and dignified.
08:49Ah!
08:51It's a big day for me, Richard.
08:54This could be the start of something important.
08:57I could become the Barbara Cartland of the West Midland Social Circuit scene.
09:03Yes, not to mention a paperboy wet wiper of the year.
09:08It's not just a career, Richard.
09:11It's my duty to share my impeccable taste for a well-laid table.
09:15In my own small way,
09:17I shall begin to advise and educate the nation in gracious living.
09:22For my advanced classes,
09:24I shall teach people to sparkle incandescently at their candlelight suppers.
09:34Oh, I do hope you'll stop me, Richard,
09:36if I ever decide to chase another paperboy.
09:40Now, what shall I wear to answer the telephone?
09:47You used to like me in that pink dress.
09:50You used to say,
09:52Wow, Daze, that pink dress.
10:01What was it you liked about my pink one?
10:07Your pink what?
10:09My pink dress.
10:11You said you liked me in that pink dress.
10:13Oh, Daze,
10:14what kind of way is that to wake a person up?
10:17Other people get a cup of tea.
10:19You said I looked really edible in that pink dress.
10:26You haven't got a pink dress.
10:28Not now.
10:29You tore it off me that night.
10:34I tore it off you?
10:36Yes, you did.
10:38You must have been on fire.
10:44It was you that was on fire.
10:48You said I looked like a strawberry ice with caramel topping.
10:54You had to be prevented from licking me all over.
11:03How long ago was this?
11:07It was before we were married.
11:09I figured that much.
11:12Will you come here a moment, dear?
11:16Tell me,
11:17does this look suitable?
11:19For what?
11:20For answering the telephone.
11:24Does it really matter what she looked like answering the phone?
11:27Well, of course it matters, Richard.
11:29People have a right to expect their social advisor
11:32to be suitably attired when answering the telephone.
11:36Oh!
11:38Richard!
11:39It could be my first client.
11:42The Bacay residence,
11:44the lady perhaps speaking.
11:47Oh, it's you, Violet.
11:49Look, Violet,
11:50I can't stay long on the telephone, dear.
11:52I'm expecting some very important business calls.
11:56I don't remember tearing your dress off.
11:59Are you sure you were with me?
12:02Do you mind?
12:03I don't usually tear your dress off.
12:06I've noticed.
12:08I've usually got it off before I get through the door.
12:11It's just one of Rose's engagement parties.
12:14Yeah.
12:15Well, that doesn't narrow it down much.
12:19Your Rose has had more engagement parties
12:21than I've had bags of crisps.
12:23I heard that.
12:25Father's already up and dressed.
12:27What's his hurry?
12:28Oh, he goes to his hobby circle today.
12:31But that's not till this evening.
12:32He doesn't want to be late.
12:34Rose,
12:36who were you getting engaged to
12:38when I wore a pink dress?
12:40A pink dress?
12:42I can't remember.
12:44Me neither.
12:45It was at one of your engagement dues.
12:48What was I wearing?
12:50Well, it wouldn't be white,
12:51I can tell you that.
12:54Well, where are we going?
12:55Now, sit there, Richard,
12:57and then you won't miss any calls.
13:01I can hear the phone perfectly well from the lounge.
13:04No, you'll be quite comfy, dear.
13:06Read something.
13:08Look, the telephone book.
13:11Now, I won't be a moment.
13:13I'm simply going to invite Elizabeth for coffee.
13:16Well, why don't you phone her?
13:17That's what you normally do.
13:19Richard,
13:19we have to keep this line free.
13:23It's bad enough that calls from people
13:25responding to my advertisement
13:26will have to take their turn stacking up at the exchange
13:29without making BT's life even more difficult.
13:33We may have to have a second line installed.
13:36Oh, hire them.
13:37Oh, anyway,
13:38if there's a call for me,
13:40fetch me immediately.
13:42I'll do that.
13:43Oh, and do answer the telephone nicely, Richard.
13:47The way I do.
14:00The McCarrie residence,
14:02the lady of the house speaking.
14:05No, I do not have a special offer
14:07on spicy prawn balls.
14:11This is not the Chinese takeaway.
14:14And will you please get off
14:15my white slimline telephone
14:17with last number redial?
14:21Let's soon find out when it was.
14:23I've got Rose sorting out photos
14:24from her engagement parties.
14:26Well, you'd better give her hand to carry them,
14:27otherwise she'll give herself a hernia.
14:35There's some of Rose's photos in here.
14:37It's somewhere.
14:38Oh, what is there?
14:40We can put that album on one side.
14:42Those are the early ones.
14:44Yes, we can forget about the black and white ones.
14:48And the sepia.
14:56There you are, dear.
14:57Thank you, Hyacinth.
14:59I'm so glad you could come, Elizabeth.
15:02But don't be surprised
15:03if I have to dash off
15:04to answer the telephone.
15:06Sounds very exciting,
15:07this new venture of yours, Hyacinth.
15:09Yes, doesn't it?
15:11Also, I feel it's a duty on my part, you know.
15:15Good taste is so very rare these days.
15:18There's a whole world out there
15:20in need of my advice.
15:21Cream?
15:22Oh, thank you, Hyacinth.
15:26What exactly are the services you're offering?
15:29Oh, everything connected with social etiquette
15:32and gracious entertaining.
15:34Sugar?
15:36Everything from how to lay a table
15:38in the manner of your social bettas.
15:40Oh, no tongs.
15:43To advice on menus for the unimaginative.
15:47Unimaginative?
15:48Hmm, the kind of things people experience
15:50at my candlelight suppers.
15:57I wouldn't mind a coffee.
15:59Richard, go and sit by the telephone, dear.
16:03We will hear it in here.
16:06Excuse me, Elizabeth.
16:07Do help yourself to a biscuit, dear.
16:11Now, look, Richard,
16:12I cannot be in two places at once.
16:15I want you to sit here
16:17with pencil at the ready
16:18to take down names and addresses.
16:20But I can hear the telephone
16:22perfectly well in the kitchen.
16:25Shh, precisely.
16:29Delicious, aren't they?
16:34Look, I couldn't say this
16:36in front of Elizabeth,
16:37but she does have this unfortunate habit
16:39of dropping something
16:40every time the telephone rings.
16:42If this happens,
16:43I might be distracted,
16:46torn between the ringing
16:47and the fate of my polished table
16:49or handmade Burmese rug.
16:51Now, sit here
16:53with your pencil
16:55at the ready.
16:59Sitting
17:00with my pencil
17:01at the ready.
17:07Oh, I liked him.
17:10I wish you'd married this one.
17:12Oh, that one?
17:13Yes, it looked all right,
17:15but it was underpowered.
17:19He was underpowered.
17:22Any more breakfast?
17:23You've drunk it all.
17:28Who's this?
17:30Who's this?
17:30When were you engaged
17:31to this?
17:32I don't know.
17:34Are you sure
17:34it's one of mine?
17:36Well, that's you
17:37on his arm.
17:41Oh, yes.
17:43I don't remember him at all.
17:48Ninety-two.
17:50Ninety-three.
17:53Would you like
17:54a little top-up, dear?
17:55Oh, no, no, no,
17:56that's fine.
17:56Thank you, Hyacinth.
17:57Well, you mustn't
17:58let it get cold.
18:00I shall also advise,
18:03of course,
18:03on appropriate music
18:05for elegant soirees.
18:07And I know
18:08just the person
18:09to help me there.
18:10Emmett.
18:17We get on so well,
18:18your brother and I.
18:21I'm sure he'd enjoy
18:22working out a programme
18:23with me.
18:24Oh, soggy bickies.
18:30Emmett's very busy, Hyacinth.
18:32Perhaps on special occasions
18:33the two of us
18:34could perform together
18:35musically.
18:36Only for my very best
18:38clients, of course.
18:39I want this whole thing
18:40to be stately
18:41and gracious.
18:43The essence
18:44of the art of entertaining
18:45lies, I always think,
18:47in establishing
18:48an atmosphere
18:49of grace and decorum.
18:51Oh!
18:56Okay, residents,
18:57the lady of the house speaking.
18:59Oh, it's you, Daisy.
19:01It's my sister, Daisy.
19:04She's not the one
19:05with the Mercedes sauna
19:06and room for a pony.
19:08Oh, Richard.
19:09Richard, get out of the way.
19:11Oh, who was in the way, dear?
19:15Now, Daisy, what is it, dear?
19:18Look, I can't stay long
19:20on the telephone.
19:21This is now a business line.
19:23I'm expecting clients to call.
19:25How's Daddy?
19:25Oh, dear Daddy.
19:28Daddy's gone to his hobby circle.
19:31I knew Daddy was a born
19:32philatelist.
19:34Do I remember who, dear?
19:37Rose's fiancés.
19:38Yes, I'm afraid I do remember
19:39Rose's fiancés.
19:41The one in the green suit.
19:44Well, I mean,
19:45I can't remember his name,
19:46but I do vaguely remember
19:48someone in a green suit.
19:50Richard,
19:51whom did Rose become engaged to
19:53in a green suit?
19:54I don't think I've ever seen
19:56Rose in a green suit.
19:59Not her, him!
20:02Or should that be
20:03not she, he?
20:06Thank you for the coffee,
20:08Hyacinth.
20:08Always a pleasure, Elizabeth.
20:12I'd rather you didn't
20:13climb over the wall, dear.
20:15Somebody who's read
20:16my advertisement
20:16might just happen
20:18to be watching.
20:24You will tell Emmett
20:25about my little plans
20:26for him.
20:26Oh, I think perhaps
20:27you'd better tell him,
20:28Hyacinth.
20:28I'm sure he'd be thrilled.
20:31I'm sure he'd be
20:31more than thrilled.
20:34And tell him
20:35he mustn't be shy.
20:36I'll be there with him.
20:39He'll be with someone
20:41who knows how to conduct
20:42herself in social situations.
20:45Hyacinth, telephone!
20:48Richard!
20:49Please don't shout
20:52in the street.
20:53I'd like you to go about
20:55shouting in the street.
20:57You've got a client.
21:04How do I look?
21:06How do I look?
21:15Hello.
21:17Scintillating socialising.
21:21Senior soiree
21:22staff supervisor speaking.
21:24Yes.
21:25How many are you?
21:27Twenty.
21:28Oh, no.
21:30We enjoy the larger functions.
21:32Yes.
21:33No good being elegant
21:34if there's no one
21:35there to see it.
21:37Our fees?
21:38Oh, well, I'm sure
21:40that normal professional rates
21:41will be adequate.
21:43Yes.
21:43I think I can promise you
21:45you're in for a treat.
21:48Address?
21:5324A
21:55Market Street.
21:56Oh, that's nice and central.
21:58Yes.
21:58And time?
21:59Six o'clock.
22:01And when?
22:03Today.
22:04Today?
22:06Oh, well, it is rather
22:08short notice,
22:09but don't worry.
22:10We shan't let you down.
22:12Goodbye.
22:14Oh, Richard.
22:16Richard, my first clients.
22:18Twenty people.
22:20All wanting to improve
22:22their social graces.
22:26Emmert!
22:28My musical friend.
22:32Hart, you look amazing.
22:36I'm going consulting.
22:38Soon, I hope.
22:40Immediately.
22:42I'm on my way now.
22:44If only Richard
22:45would stop dawdling.
22:49Richard!
22:55What a pity
22:56Emmert couldn't come.
22:58I'm sure he was
22:59devastated.
23:00He would have
23:01so enjoyed it.
23:03I don't know
23:03who these people are,
23:04but they're clearly
23:05interested in music.
23:06They invited me
23:07to bring my own.
23:09Why do they need music?
23:10Background, dear.
23:12Mind the pedestrian.
23:14She is on the pavement.
23:16She might decide
23:17to cross.
23:19Er, minding the pedestrian?
23:24I can't see 24, eh?
23:26Can you?
23:27I can't even see 24.
23:31Stop the car.
23:3536.
23:36We must have passed it
23:38reverse, Richard.
23:39I can't,
23:40because this is
23:40a one-way street.
23:41Oh, really?
23:43Fancy choosing
23:44a one-way street?
23:45I can't, James.
23:47We'll have to walk back.
24:06Come along, Richard.
24:07Don't dawdle.
24:08I mustn't be late.
24:10I'm on a double...
24:15Oh, here it is.
24:17One above a shop.
24:18Why not?
24:19A group of like-minded
24:20enthusiasts
24:21need somewhere central
24:22to hold their meetings.
24:24Now, wait here, Richard.
24:25I'll go and relieve
24:25their minds.
24:26They must be wondering
24:27where I've got to.
24:29Oh, and I'll find out
24:31what time you should
24:32come back and pick me up.
24:33Oh.
24:34Oh.
24:34Oh.
24:34Oh.
24:35Oh.
24:35Oh.
24:35Oh.
24:36Oh.
24:37Oh.
24:38Oh.
24:39Oh.
24:42Hello, Richard.
24:44David.
24:45Hello.
24:46Let you out on your own,
24:47has she?
24:49Someone shouldn't have said that.
24:50It just slipped out.
24:51Oh, that's all right.
24:52No, no.
24:53It's not a very subtle observation,
24:54is it?
24:55Fairly accurate, almost, then.
24:57What am I asking,
24:58and how long have you
24:59been married now?
25:0032 years.
25:0232 years?
25:03Good heavens.
25:05Still, look on the bright side.
25:06You should be due
25:07for parole soon.
25:12Come along, Richard.
25:15What's the matter?
25:17What is it?
25:18What a mercy!
25:19I didn't bring my royal dootan
25:20with the hand-painted
25:21periwinkles.
25:22Where are we going?
25:25We're going home.
25:27Home.
25:28Get this door open, Richard.
25:30Oh, give me those keys.
25:33It can't be over already.
25:35It is for me.
25:38They misread my advert.
25:42They were all men,
25:43and they thought I was going
25:45to be a striptease artist.
25:51Can't you imagine?
25:56Now, don't get settled, Richard.
25:58You have one last task
25:59to perform.
26:01What's that?
26:02To go back into
26:04number 24A.
26:05Why, for goodness sake?
26:07To get Daddy out.
26:10You have one last task.
26:12You have one last task.
26:14You have one last task.
26:18You have one last task.
26:18You have one last task.
26:18You have one last task.