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TV, Movie, Allo Allo S9E01 - Fighting with Windmills
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TVTranscript
00:23You are possibly wondering why a man who leads such a dangerous life is humming a happy tune.
00:28Well, I have a cause for celebration.
00:33Contrary to expectations, Yvette, my young waitress, has turned out not to be pregnant at all.
00:40Apparently, the doctor's test got mixed up when a frog jumped into the wrong bottle.
00:47After such a narrow escape, I have sworn a vow to be true to my wife, Edith.
00:57Naturally, I have not yet told Edith, in case I cannot keep it up.
01:03I am going to do my best.
01:05After all, it is ridiculous for a man of my age to go chasing after young girls.
01:09I must be realistic and let age take its course.
01:15How about a quick cuddle in the back room?
01:18Not tonight, Yvette.
01:20Well, Madame Edith is poking in the kitchen.
01:22Huh?
01:24The dying embers of the stone.
01:27Ah.
01:29Well, speaking of dying embers, and I was not going to tell you this so soon, but this mad affair
01:35of ours is over.
01:36Oh.
01:38Oh.
01:38Oh, Renée.
01:39Say it is not so.
01:41Well, it had to end sometime.
01:43Just as autumn follows summer, and the leaves of the chestnut trees turn brown and shrivel and fall.
01:51Not to mention the conkers.
01:56Hey.
01:58Is there someone else?
02:00How could there be?
02:01Every spare moment I am with you, holding you and kissing you and running my fingers through your hair, feeling
02:08your warm breath on my cheek, holding your firm young body against my firm starched apron.
02:17Oh, quick to the back room.
02:20Oh, my God.
02:22Are you all right?
02:24I think I have lost a few more leaves.
02:28Oh, I am sorry.
02:30Did I startle you?
02:32You stupid woman.
02:34How dare you give me a fright like that?
02:37What do you mean by creeping around with a poke and spying on me?
02:40What are you saying?
02:41I was poking the stove in the kitchen when somehow the door got stuck.
02:46I had to go round the side and through the open window into the back room.
02:50Did you not hear me calling?
02:52I heard nothing.
02:54And why would I be spying on you?
02:56Have you been doing something I would not like?
03:00I have never done anything you would not like.
03:04This is true.
03:07You better clear the tables.
03:09We close very soon.
03:11Yes.
03:13What is wrong with her?
03:15Well, it is clear that she is very upset because she did not hear you.
03:19She is very fond of you, you know.
03:21Oh, what a good girl she is.
03:24Oh, well, now the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber have deserted and gone to Spain with the fallen Madonna.
03:30Perhaps we can get back to a quiet life again.
03:33I look forward to it.
03:35I have had enough excitement for one war.
03:38Shall we go into the back room like we used to?
03:41It has been a long time since we popped in there for a cuddle.
03:44You mean that wet Thursday in 1937.
03:48Thank you, remembering that.
03:51Well, that was when I got an electric shock looking for the light switch.
03:56Tripped over a chair and broke my tooth on the table.
03:58One does tend to remember that sort of night.
04:02I will go first and put on the light.
04:08It is the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
04:11Oh, no.
04:12I knew it was too good to be true.
04:16René.
04:21We need to talk to you.
04:22We have a slight problem.
04:24And something tells me it is going to become our problem.
04:28Evette me, me.
04:33We were supposed to be heading for Spain.
04:36The damned Arias.
04:39On the road just before the border.
04:41Blew up the van.
04:43We stole bicycles.
04:44Hiding by day and riding by night.
04:47And headed back here to find the one person we knew would help us escape.
04:50But we have done all we can.
04:52Yes, go.
04:53If the General finds a couple of deserters hiding here, we will be shot.
04:57He does not know we were deserting.
04:59Look, the General has the photo of you with the painting.
05:01Also, you have been missing for a week.
05:03By now, we will have put two and two together.
05:05Please, go.
05:06Come, come.
05:07We get caught.
05:08You get caught.
05:09May I make a suggestion?
05:11What if the photo were taken against your will while you were prisoners of the Resistance?
05:16Oh, we do not know.
05:17Let us see they have captured you.
05:19They forced the brave lieutenant to pose with the painting of the former Madonna,
05:23which they had stolen themselves, but putting the blame on you, and thereby making the General
05:28assume that you had deserted with the painting.
05:32But why would the Resistance, who you do not know, make such an elaborate plot?
05:37Yes.
05:39Now you have worked yourself in the corner.
05:43So that they could have you both flown to England to reveal the German defense plans
05:48to combat the British invasion, which could be imminent.
05:52That is a remarkable hypothesis, Madame Edith.
05:55Oh, thank you.
05:56I read a lot of Edgar Allan Poe.
05:59I am well acquainted with complex plots and a tragic life.
06:06When do you do all this reading?
06:08Waiting for you to come to bed.
06:13How do we convince the General of this story?
06:15Well, what if he found you bound and blindfold, hiding in the old windmill north of the town?
06:21That would be a lucky chance.
06:23About one in a million.
06:25Not if they were able to write a note and smuggle it out in a bottle, giving clues as
06:30to their whereabouts.
06:31What sort of clues?
06:32Oh, the sort of clues that an intelligent man like the General would find easy to solve.
06:38Just a minute.
06:39What if nobody found the bottle?
06:40Ah.
06:41You will find it on a morning stroll by the canal.
06:45Oh, yes.
06:46I can see it now.
06:47Hello, General.
06:48I was just strolling by the canal and I could not resist jumping in to pick out an old bottle,
06:53just in case there was a message in it for you.
06:55And there was, and here it is.
06:58No.
06:58That would not be believable.
07:01What would Edgar Allan Poe have done?
07:04Oh, something unexpected.
07:06Let me think.
07:08Yes.
07:09He would have flushed the lavatory and up it would have popped.
07:17Well, what would have been unexpected?
07:20I hesitate to ask, but where did it come from?
07:24The Lieutenant having managed to write a note, drop the bottle down a drain in the mill.
07:29It has rained a lot.
07:31The drains cannot cope with the surge.
07:33And force the bottle up our outlet pipe.
07:36I can see the chapter heading now.
07:39The mystery of the bottle in the bog.
07:43So outrageous, it could work.
07:46Oh, yes.
07:46What alternative do we have?
07:49We could always shoot ourselves.
07:52No.
07:53We will use this plan.
07:55Madame Edith, please get our clothes.
07:57We will go to the windmill.
07:58Have you transport?
07:59Oh, Monsieur Alphonse is still here.
08:01He can give you a lift in his ass.
08:03Well, can we trust the undertaker?
08:05Oh, he will suspect nothing.
08:07He often gives people lifts in his ass.
08:09And the last bus has gone.
08:12A remarkable woman.
08:15I've always wondered why you married her.
08:17I see now it was for her intellect.
08:19Well, it was a deciding factor, yes.
08:23Honey, I have under my dress something which I would like to leave in your hands.
08:32Your thanks will be enough.
08:35It is the painting of the fallen Madonna with the missing boobies.
08:39Look after it for us.
08:41Of course.
08:42May I inquire where the other bit of it is, please?
08:47Helga has it so she can be cut in when it's sold.
08:50Ah, women, how wily they can be.
08:52I will keep it safe.
08:53You have my word.
08:55I would be delighted to accede to your request.
08:59But it appears that wine has gone to my legs.
09:04My brain is as clear as a bell.
09:07And I...
09:11But my legs are on strike.
09:13Oh, please, Monsieur Alphonse.
09:15Try walking up and down.
09:17We will help you.
09:18It will clear your head.
09:19Come on.
09:20Come on.
09:21Oh!
09:28I feel nothing below the watch chain.
09:32Monsieur Alphonse.
09:33Please.
09:37Oh, René.
09:40Monsieur Alphonse is tiddly.
09:41He cannot drive the earth.
09:43You will have to help him drive.
09:44I will go and get your topper.
09:46What excuse do I have for sitting on top of earth in a topper at midnight with a couple of
09:52dancing girls?
09:53Let me think.
09:55We have our uniforms.
09:57We could change.
09:58In uniform, we could be recognized.
10:01Well, Edgar?
10:04You and Monsieur Alphonse are two typical Frenchmen who have enjoyed a convivial evening.
10:09And now you have picked up two tarts and are taking them into the woods for a bit of hanky
10:15-panky.
10:18Edith, do not be ridiculous.
10:20I am a respected member of this community.
10:22What would people say?
10:24All the other men do eat.
10:26I have often wondered why you do not.
10:29The neighbors are beginning to talk.
10:32Even I had heard the rumors.
10:36In that case, it is time they were put to rest.
10:44I don't remember ordering two more women.
10:48You did not.
10:49Thank goodness.
10:50Now, pay attention, Monsieur Alphonse.
10:52You and Rennie are pretending to go to the woods with two tarts that you have picked up for a
10:58little bit of hanky-panky.
11:02In my state, you could only be pretending.
11:06The big one looks game for anything.
11:12They look too road-west for local tarts.
11:15We are poor, with cheap clothes, cheap perfume, which is why we are cheap.
11:20You are right.
11:22Take them upstairs and put them in more suitable clothes.
11:25Follow me.
11:27Oh, and touch up their makeup.
11:30The Colonel is looking very rattled in this light.
11:33He would look very rattled in any light.
11:36You have really got the bit between the teeth, have you not, Edith?
11:39Oh, it is so wonderful to be wanted, to be useful.
11:43I often think of good plots, but I am never asked to help.
11:48I am always brushed aside.
11:50This is my moment.
11:53It could be my last.
12:01Something else.
12:03Come on.
12:13Don Gruber, did you look a sight?
12:16I hope when his neighbors are in bed, all tongues will vag.
12:19He is supposed to be good for his deputation with the girls.
12:22Yes, but not with an old tart like you.
12:33Here, this is our pitch.
12:36What are you doing here?
12:37Do with these two as scrubbers.
12:39Mind.
12:41Ignore them.
12:42Clear off.
12:43Look at us tart's a bad name, looking like that.
12:46You clear off.
12:48Yes, mind your own business.
12:50Wash your lips, shorty.
12:53Shorty?
12:53How dare you.
12:57Come on.
12:59Well, where goes the neighborhood?
13:04You certainly wield a mean handbag, Gruber.
13:08I was just getting the hang of it when they ran away.
13:13Now, hold on tight, Monsieur Alphonse.
13:15We do not want you falling off the earth.
13:19Giddy up.
13:21Why is this horse not moving?
13:23She only moves to the sound of my voice.
13:27Well, tell her to go towards the front of the cafe and stop.
13:30Huh?
13:31Oh, well.
13:33Listen carefully, Antin, say.
13:35Walk to the front of the cafe, then stop.
13:39Your master has spoken.
13:51Interesting activity here, my field marshal.
13:54Yes.
13:54So it seems.
14:00Unless I am mistaken, Wolfgang, this one was here in 1917.
14:07Yes, poor thing.
14:09She still hasn't had any luck.
14:11And wonders how much longer she's going to persevere.
14:20We are ready for you.
14:26Well, I think that answers your question.
14:33Have you got our uniforms?
14:35And two blindfolds and some rope.
14:45Are you looking for a naughty senior person?
14:49Have you money?
14:51We are in the Paymaster Corps. We are loaded.
14:55Can you manage three flights of stairs?
14:57Yes.
14:59Unfortunately, nothing after.
15:02Good night.
15:04I'll be back later.
15:10Honey.
15:12I must speak with you urgently.
15:14What have you been doing down my back passage, Michelle?
15:19Listen very carefully.
15:20I shall say this only once.
15:23Today I am holding a special meeting
15:25to sign on new members of the Resistance.
15:27It will be held at our new secret rendezvous.
15:30Where is that?
15:31It is a secret.
15:34Why are you telling us this?
15:36Because I need a few provisions
15:37for our introductory wine and cheese party.
15:41Oh, these will do for starters.
15:43Have you any cheese?
15:45No.
15:45Oh, never mind.
15:47I will go and buy some Camembert.
15:50Michelle has got such a nerve.
15:53One of these days someone is going to tell her where to get up.
15:55Yes.
15:56Well, I nearly did.
15:57But it is time to go and give the general his bottle with the note in it.
16:01Yes.
16:02I am still worried, Edith, that he will not believe that I found it
16:05when I pulled the chain in the bathroom.
16:08Perhaps it would be safer if someone else found the bottle.
16:10But who?
16:13Good morning.
16:15Good morning.
16:18I wonder if by chance you have in your kiffy anything for a haddock.
16:26Well, we have a rather nice tartar sauce you could put on it.
16:30Where is the haddock?
16:31In my hod.
16:33Oh, a headache!
16:37That is what I sod.
16:40I get a bit of a hungover.
16:42I hit the Bittlerbot last night.
16:47Here is my secret recipe.
16:49Try that.
16:53Ah, that hit the spit.
16:56I am very groupful to you, Ronnie.
16:59Perhaps you could do me a favour.
17:01Just noom it.
17:03You give that to the general.
17:05Tell him you got it from a peasant who you do not know
17:09who found it where he cannot remember.
17:11What is this nit in the Bittle?
17:14It is a cryptic message for General von Klinghofen.
17:18Whatever you say, Ronnie, it's K.O. with moon.
17:24General von Klinghofen.
17:26Stand!
17:30Sit!
17:31Ah, there you are.
17:32Distribute these posters.
17:34You, peasant.
17:35Put these up in your window and pass them around.
17:37Yes, General.
17:38Is it important?
17:39Of course.
17:40Today at noon we are having target practice.
17:43We will be blowing up the old windmill to the north of the town.
17:47Peasants are warned to stay clear.
17:50Get on with it.
17:51Before I go, this nit is for you.
17:56What is he saying?
17:57He says the note in the bottle is for you.
18:00While you rude it, I will piss up the posters.
18:09He was given it anonymously from an unknown peasant.
18:13Salts!
18:17Read it.
18:20General.
18:22It's from the colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
18:25They've been captured by the resistance who are waiting for the RAF
18:29to take them to London to reveal our plans to defeat the invasion.
18:32They are being held blindfolded and bound in a place where the wind always blows.
18:39There is much grinding of wheels and a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh sound.
18:45How cryptic and unsolvable.
18:48Nothing is unsolvable.
18:50I knew they haven't deserted. Let me see.
18:54A place where the wind always blows?
18:58Don't tell me it's the big bean factory.
19:00I hope we could assist you, General.
19:03Be quiet, Pheasant.
19:05A grinding of wheels and a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh sound.
19:12I have it.
19:13Of course, it's obvious.
19:14It's the laundry.
19:16You organize an immediate search of all the laundries while we are blowing up the windmill.
19:21Yes, General.
19:22Now I go to my command post.
19:25So much for your cryptic message, Edith.
19:28Well, you could have given them an helping hint.
19:31Suggested the grinding noise was the grinding of corn and pointed to the grains of corn in the bottle.
19:36He would have spent the day searching chiropodists.
19:40No, I will go to the windmill and rescue them.
19:42Oh, no, Renée. You cannot go there. You have been blown up.
19:46This is all because of your meddling.
19:48Oh, I will not meddle any more.
19:51But what will you say when they see you near the windmill?
19:58I am placing posters to warn the peasants.
20:01Oh, why did I not think of that?
20:05Because Edgar Allan Poe did not write it.
20:14Helga is here, Herr Flick.
20:21Helga is here, Herr Flick.
20:23This way.
20:25I have a surprise for you.
20:28Oh, good heavens.
20:30It's the invisible man.
20:32It is I, Herr Flick.
20:34Herr Flick.
20:35What has happened to your face?
20:37I have undergone plastic surgery to alter my appearance.
20:41The Allies will be here any day now and I need a new identity in order to escape to Argentina.
20:48So that is why I have not seen you for a while.
20:51Oh, Herr Flick, will you look much different?
20:53My plastic surgeon, the eminent Professor Von Bungler, says I will emerge from these bandages even more handsome than I
21:02was before.
21:04Is that possible?
21:05Well, there was room for improvement.
21:09I have used some of the ten million francs from the pay truck robbery to finance my new face.
21:15But there is still plenty left.
21:17Of the face?
21:18Of the ten million francs.
21:21No doubt this news makes me even more attractive to you, Helga.
21:25Oh, yes, Herr Flick.
21:27May I kiss you?
21:29Through the hole in your bandages?
21:31Of course.
21:35Be careful you do not squash my new nose.
21:39I do not want to arrive in Argentina looking like an orangutan.
21:57How much longer must we wait?
22:00You should have given better clues.
22:03We could be here forever.
22:05I hear someone coming.
22:07It must be the general.
22:09Help!
22:10Help!
22:11We ain't here!
22:16Hush!
22:17It is me, René.
22:19René, what are you doing here?
22:21There is the general.
22:23He is not coming.
22:23Even as we speak, he is at his command post waiting to read the order for target practice.
22:28But why release us?
22:29This windmill is the target.
22:32It is to be blown up at any moment.
22:34Oh!
22:36It would appear this brilliant plan has gone slightly wrong.
22:40Run for it!
22:41Run for it!
22:51Come back!
22:52Come back!
22:52That is my bike!
22:59René!
23:01At last I find you alone.
23:03Oh!
23:03Louise!
23:04What a surprise!
23:05What are you doing at the windmill?
23:07On Tuesdays, it's our meeting day!
23:09Of course it is!
23:10That is why I was looking for you.
23:12To warn you to expect a big bang at any moment.
23:15Oh!
23:16Oh, bye-bye!
23:18The Germans are using the windmill for target practice.
23:21You must run!
23:22Quick!
23:22Beyond the barn!
23:30We got out just in time.
23:32What about René?
23:33We took his bicycle.
23:35There's only room for two.
23:37It's for fortunes of war.
23:42They are flat hands that we need!
23:44That was a narrow escape.
23:46Now I must get back and let everyone know that I am safe.
23:49After all, I am a hero of the resistance.
23:51Of course, I know it is not the communist resistance,
23:54but the same sort of thing.
23:55Why let an hero go back at all?
23:57We need all the help we can get.
23:59Good idea.
24:00Take off your clothes.
24:02People will be looking for me.
24:03They will find only your smoldering trousers and personal effects.
24:07They will think you died in the windmill.
24:10Now, Louise, that is a madcap idea.
24:13If you insist.
24:20I am in a foul temper.
24:22Some idiot told the Germans to search the laundry while I was holding a secret meeting there.
24:27I was lucky to escape with my life and a bag of unironed knickers.
24:32The Germans have been looking for the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber.
24:35They have been searching everywhere.
24:38My resistance recruits had to hide in the spinning dryers.
24:42They came out all wrinkled.
24:44Where is René?
24:46He has gone to put posters up,
24:47warning people to stay clear of the windmill during the shelling.
24:51Oh, that was brave.
24:52I shall mention that in my dispatches.
24:55Oh, good.
25:14What are you trying to say?
25:15Oh, no.
25:17No, it cannot be.
25:18Not his eyes.
25:21Not his boots.
25:24Not both of them.
25:29Pull yourself together.
25:31Are you saying René was blown up at the windmill?
25:38Silence!
25:39We must be brave.
25:45Oh, thank you, Mimi.
25:47I needed that.
25:48We must think of Madame Edith.
25:51Always to break the news to her.
25:55I have just heard a rumour that Ronnie was at the wandmill when it went bong.
26:00Is it tree or net?
26:02Oh, it is true.
26:03He died an arrow.
26:06Oh.
26:08Madame Edith.
26:13Listen very carefully.
26:15I shall say these only once.
26:18Now, what is it?
26:20Is it bad news?
26:21If so, I can take it.
26:25I cannot say it.
26:27What is going on?
26:29I am trooned for mements like this.
26:32I will break the nose to her jauntly.
26:38Madame Edith.
26:39Ronnie is as dod as a doo-doo.
26:44He was at the wandmill when it was blown up by the Nitzes.
26:49He dooed with his bots on.
26:52Oh, no.
26:53René.
26:56She took it on the tune like a min.
27:03This is our underground headquarters.
27:05We have channels everywhere, leading to all our trees.
27:09We live like rabbits.
27:10I can't believe it.
27:12Love him, shave him, and take him to my bunker.
27:18Your bunker?
27:20Oh, René.
27:21Oh, I love you.
27:24You will be a posthumous hero.
27:26Your name will be on everybody's lips except mine.
27:29I hardly dare ask, but why will it not be on yours?
27:33Because my lips will be on your lips, day and night.
27:37Oh.
27:39As you say, I will be a posthumous hero.
27:43Still, it could be worse.
27:44I suppose I am going to be buffed by all the girls at once.
27:49Of course.
27:56I am ready.
28:04This is enough. I am not staying here.
28:06René!
28:06Don't go.
28:09Don't go!
28:11Don't go!
28:12Don't go!
28:12Don't go!
28:12Don't go!
28:15Don't go!
28:17Don't go!
28:17Don't go!
28:18Don't go!
28:18Don't go!
28:18Don't go!
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