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TV, Movie, Allo Allo S9E02 - Missing and Presumed Dead
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TVTranscript
00:25You may wonder what I am doing in an underground bunker
00:28sitting next to a dead elk
00:29There is of course a simple explanation for this
00:33I have been taken prisoner by Louise of the Communist Resistance
00:36who has announced that I am to be her love slave
00:42Naturally my quick thinking has saved the day
00:45For the past 24 hours I have been excusing myself with a headache
00:51I had contemplated taking her sleeping pills to end it all
00:55but with my luck I would probably just end up with a real headache
01:00Hang on, I can hear the rattle of her grenades
01:04Excuse me while I have a relapse
01:09Oh René, there is bad news
01:12You have found some aspirins?
01:14No
01:15Come with me to the party meeting
01:17Well is it important?
01:19They will not allow me to keep you as my love slave
01:21Oh, and just when my headache had gone
01:25Oh, follow me
01:27And so I say to you comrades
01:30there will be no privileged party members
01:33We are all for one and one for all
01:37I second that
01:38Why should Louise have this man to herself?
01:42Hands up those who agree
01:46His services should be shared amongst all of us
01:51What?
01:52I suggest we share him mornings, afternoons
01:57and have a lucky dip to see who gets him at night
02:00May I put a motion on the table?
02:03I hope that is the correct expression
02:06It is, carry on
02:08Well, I do not wish to be immodest
02:11but as a well-known resistance hero
02:13should I not be out all day blowing things up
02:15and resting peacefully at night?
02:18It is because you are hero
02:20that you must stay here
02:21When the war ends
02:23you will lead our party to victory
02:25I give you, comrade à toi
02:27and possibly the new leader of the French Communist Party
02:31Comrade à toi
02:32Comrade à toi
02:40Thank you, comrade
02:42My first task will be
02:44getting a shorter working week
02:46which I think should start now
02:48Alvaro
02:49Right, let's put all our names into the hat
02:52and see who gets his self-assist first
02:56Fast around
02:57I hope you are not expecting too much
03:01And don't forget the lucky dip
03:03Oh, you king commie
03:09For the rest of the morning
03:11he belongs to Nola
03:12Good, he can help with the cooking and washing
03:15Oh, you will find me willing
03:19The afternoon
03:20he belongs to Claudette
03:22Good, he can help with the mending and downing
03:25You too will find me willing
03:28The winner of the lucky dip is
03:32Dezel
03:38And will I find you willing?
03:42You will find me hiding under the bed
03:45My headache has come back
03:47It is so sad, Colonel
03:51Poor René sacrificed himself to save us
03:56He died a hero's death
03:59Don't be such a ninny, Gruber
04:02It wasn't our fault
04:03He was blown to bits
04:04For the German shells
04:05that hit the windmill
04:06He should have run away faster
04:09What concerns me now
04:11is getting back the painting
04:12of the fallen Madonna
04:13with a missing buoy from Madame Edith
04:15We must go to the cafe at once
04:16That is very callous, Colonel
04:20She's only been a widow since yesterday
04:23Oh, all right
04:24We'll go in half an hour
04:26Now pull yourself together
04:28and get Helga in here
04:39Could we have a word, please, Helga?
04:46What do you want, Colonel?
04:47We left the painting
04:48of the fallen Madonna
04:49at Cafe René for safekeeping
04:51You must help us recover
04:52the missing booby from Heffley
04:54Only if I get a cut of the proceeds
04:56You are in no position
04:57to make demands, Helga
04:58Then the booby will stay missing
05:00And I may even expose
05:01that cock and bull story
05:03you told the general
05:03about being captured
05:04by the resistance
05:05It was not a cock and bull story
05:08No, it was almost entirely bull
05:11She knows we were really
05:13deserting, Colonel
05:14We have no choice
05:15but to cut her in
05:17Oh, very well
05:18But you're a devious
05:20underhand
05:21scheming blackmailer, Helga
05:23You forget, Colonel
05:25I am a woman
05:29General von Klingorben
05:34Hi, Hitler
05:35Hi, Hitler
05:36After your incarceration
05:38by those resistance people
05:40what we all need
05:41is a little relaxation around here
05:42You're both invited
05:43to join me for my shooting party
05:45in the forest this afternoon
05:46We shall be delighted
05:48That'll be an honour, General
05:50Will there be any wild boar?
05:52Apart from you, no
05:55A few rabbits
05:56perhaps a deer
05:56if we're lucky
05:57were brought to the chateau
05:58after lunch
05:59Yes, General
06:01And, uh...
06:02about the peasant
06:03who was blown to bits
06:04at the windmill
06:04during target practice
06:07Go and see the video
06:08Express our regrets
06:10Should we not
06:12apologise, General?
06:13After all, he did save us
06:15No need to go quite that far
06:16But perhaps a small offer
06:18of compensation
06:19might not go amiss
06:20We don't want to answer
06:21any awkward questions
06:22when we lose the war
06:24Do you not mean
06:25if we lose the war?
06:27No
06:28I am rapidly losing confidence
06:29in the German army
06:30But, General
06:31you still have men
06:32like me
06:33and Gruber
06:33behind you
06:34That's why
06:35I'm losing confidence
06:44Have you done
06:45all your chores
06:46yet, comrade?
06:47Well, the...
06:48the snake stew
06:48is coming along
06:49very nicely
06:50and I have almost
06:51finished boiling
06:52your underwear
06:53Mmm
06:53You have done well
06:55I will reward you
06:56when I win
06:57the lucky dip
06:59The well done
07:00is enough for me
07:00if it is all the same
07:01to you, comrade
07:02Oh, my God
07:03What is it, comrade?
07:05I have put your knickers
07:06in the stew
07:08But you have warned them
07:11I do not suppose
07:12they have done much
07:13for the stew, either
07:14Oh, what is the matter
07:16with you?
07:16I am not used
07:17to being underground
07:18with a bunch
07:18of desperate women
07:20We are not used
07:21to living underground
07:22with such an attractive man
07:25I cannot wait
07:26for the lucky dip
07:27Hold me now
07:28No, no, no
07:29Please, control yourself
07:30Comrade, control yourself
07:32Think of Lenin
07:33Think of Lenin
07:34Women loved him as well
07:36He had crumpet
07:37all over the Kremlin
07:39Please, please
07:40Stop!
07:41Stop!
07:42Your knickers are boiling over
07:43Oh, you can say that again
07:47I have just been sorting
07:49through some of René's
07:50beloveds
07:51Oh, poor René
07:53How I miss him
07:55Oh, I miss him also
07:57Oh, he has a great lust
07:59to us all
07:59Here, take something of his
08:02from this box
08:03to remember him by
08:04He would have wanted it
08:05Oh, I shall have his
08:08I shall have his moustache
08:08stiffener
08:09It will remind me of him
08:12And I will have his lucky rabbit's foot
08:15Oh, what a pity he was not wearing it
08:18when he was blown up
08:21Madame Hedy
08:21I must speak with you urgently
08:23What is it, Michelle?
08:25Listen very carefully
08:26I shall say this only once
08:29I have spoken with the parish priest
08:31and he has agreed to hold a special memorial service for René this evening
08:36Oh, thank you, Michelle
08:38Everyone is being so kind
08:40Well, René was a true hero of France
08:43No
08:44A pain in the berms sometimes
08:45But still an hero
08:48Good morning
08:51Good morning, Officer Crabtree
08:53Monsieur Alphonse
08:54I have here some things of René's
08:57Please, take something
08:59How very kind
09:00I am moved
09:02Thank you
09:02I will take these Bursicle claps
09:06They will stop my trusers flipping in the wand
09:11And I will have this bottle of air pomade
09:13Oh, that smell we remember so well
09:19Oh no, he was more garlicky than that
09:23Anyway, he has not used much
09:25He did not have much hair to use it on
09:28Madame Hedy
09:29I will not beat about the bush
09:31I want to press my suit
09:33I will plug in the iron
09:37I mean my proposal of mariage
09:40Now that you are a widow
09:42Oh, Monsieur Alphonse
09:43It is too soon
09:46Another day, perhaps
09:48But now René is still fresh in my memory
09:52He is fresh in all our memories
09:56Perhaps we should put up something that will remind us of him
09:59But what? Nothing springs to mind
10:02What about a plaque?
10:04With a knife and fork mounted on a bread roll
10:08He deserved more than that
10:10Two bread rolls
10:13What about a statue?
10:15That is a good idea
10:17Oh Monsieur Alphonse, do you think you could make a statue of René for the square?
10:21I would need a photograph of him
10:23Have you forgotten already what he looked like?
10:26My short term memory is not too good
10:29Well, he was tall
10:32Yes, tall
10:34Thinning on top?
10:35Yes
10:35And rather plimp with a big bin
10:40Yes, yes, that was him
10:42Tall, balding
10:44And fat
10:46Whatever did you see in him?
10:48I am beginning to wonder
10:53It is the Colonel and Lieutenant Gorbo and his little tank
10:56They are getting out and coming this way
10:58I will disappear up your back passage
11:03Girls, go upstairs and get on with the cleaning
11:06I will handle this
11:08And I must be about my boss-ness
11:13Good morning, Colonel Von Stream, Lieutenant Grieber
11:17Your little tonk is badly pocked
11:20Do not leave it too long or I shall put a tocket on your tirret
11:29Good morning, Colonel, Lieutenant Grieber
11:32What can I do for you?
11:33We have come for the painting of the fallen Madonna we left with René
11:36Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel
11:38I do not know where it is
11:40René hid it somewhere before he died
11:43Well, look around for it
11:44We must have it
11:46Of course, Colonel
11:47And, Madame Edith, we deeply regret what happened to René
11:53Perhaps we could offer you some small sum by way of compensation
11:57Oh, Lieutenant Grieber
11:58No amount of money could possibly compensate me for the loss of a man like René
12:03How much?
12:04Monsieur, please
12:06We wish to help you, Madame Edith
12:09Well, perhaps there is something you could do
12:11Would you pay for a statue of René to be erected in the square?
12:15What a splendid idea
12:18Depends how much it would cost
12:20Here is a list of my charges
12:23And that one is for a life-size statue in marble
12:27And that one is for sandstone
12:29And that one is for concrete
12:33And that one is for a waterproof cardboard cutout
12:38We'll pay for the concrete one
12:40Come on, Grieber
12:43Cheapskates
12:45I am so very sorry about our loss
12:49Thank you
12:51Oh, Madame Edith
12:53You have me now
12:56Soon you will have him
12:58And two of sand and one of cement
13:11You will have to pedal faster than that, Comrade
13:14Or our knickers will never dry
13:17I am doing my best, Claudette
13:19You may stop for a moment
13:25What is the matter?
13:27I am saddle sore
13:30We are going out now on patrol
13:33But I will be back
13:35In a short while
13:36Take your time
13:38Do not get ideas about escaping
13:41As if I would
13:43Because I am leaving one of my comrades behind to keep an eye on you
13:47How thoughtful
13:50Desiree?
13:55Until later, Comrade
13:56Now get back to your pedalling
13:59Or our knickers will go mouldy
14:09Faster, peasant, faster!
14:13My knickers are next
14:20I am not training for the Tour de France, you know
14:23I am not training for the Tour de France, you know
14:28Be very careful how you take off the bandages, Von Smallhausen
14:32My new features may still be a little delicate
14:35Yes, Sir Fleek
14:39Good morning, Herr Fleek
14:41Ah, Helga
14:42You are just in time to witness the removal of my bandages
14:46I can hardly wait
14:48Von Smallhausen, get the scissors
14:50Yes, Herr Fleek
14:52As soon as the Allies invade, I will head for Argentina
14:57Will you be taking me with you?
14:59Only if you help me recover the painting of the fallen Madonna
15:02From the Colonel and Lieutenant Gruber
15:04But they do not have it
15:06What?
15:06They gave it to René Artois, the cafe owner who was blown up at the old windmill
15:10Then we will get it from his widow
15:12Surely she will never give it to you
15:14My brilliant mind is even now devising a cunning plan to persuade her
15:20But first, Von Smallhausen
15:23Cut the bandages
15:24Yes, Herr Fleek
15:26I am agog with expectation
15:30Hold the mirror
15:31Yes, Herr Fleek
15:39What a shock
15:40Is this really you, Herr Fleek?
15:45Even I am unsure if it is really me
15:48I shall carry out the ultimate test
15:50I will kiss you to see if I still shudder with ecstasy
16:03Well?
16:04I still shudder
16:06But the ecstasy is missing
16:10Then I need a second opinion
16:13Not from you
16:19Is that dandelion tea ready yet?
16:22It is almost coming, comrade
16:39Here it is
16:40Here it is
16:41Drink it all down in one go
16:42It will do you good
16:45Ah, I needed that
16:47You make fine dandelion tea
16:50It is a neck
16:51I have waited a long time
16:53At last I have you alone
16:57No, please, please, please
16:58You do not get me until after the sun goes down
17:00I don't care
17:01Comrade, I love you passionately
17:03And I know you feel the same
17:05You do?
17:06This is the way you have been looking at me
17:09The hunger in your eyes
17:11I am not surprised
17:13I did not fancy that stew
17:16Please, now control yourself
17:18Do not blot your party card
17:19Oh, I feel funny
17:22Oh, it must be the air in here
17:25Oh, come back
17:27Good
17:30Huh?
17:33Fancy lowering me into the bedroom, you naughty boy
17:38I assure you, it was not intentional
17:42And what do you suggest we do now?
17:45How about a nap?
17:46Later
17:47And now I am a hero of the resistance
17:50Hold me
17:52Kiss me
17:53Make me faint with ecstasy
18:27Then move on
18:29With water
18:33With water
18:35With water
18:37With water
18:38With water
18:38With water
18:47Remember your part well, Von Smallhausen. She is only a simple peasant. She will be completely fooled by our stories.
18:55But remember, she will not recognize me.
18:58Yes, Herr Flick. Ah, good morning, Herr Flick. Here, Von Smallhausen. Do you not notice anything different about me? And
19:13you what? Prepare yourself for a surprise. Quite a big one. Well, I am prepared, I hope. I am not
19:22really Otto Flick of the Gestapo. I am, in fact, a member of the British Intelligence Service.
19:27My real name is Basil de Vere Courtney. And I am George Marmaduke St. John Fotherington-Smith. But you can
19:36call me Buffy. But the German accents. Both born in Germany, but we were turned at Cambridge. He was turned
19:44a bit more than me. Well, this is a surprise.
19:48I have here some photographs to prove to you that we are really British. This is me playing polo with
19:55King George. And here I am on the centre court of Wimbledon in 1936.
20:01But this is the ladies' singles.
20:05Even then, I was in disguise. This is the 1937 Cambridge University rowing eight. When you look closely, you may
20:16recognize their cocks.
20:18What will I?
20:20I was the cocks. He steers the boat.
20:23Oh, yes, of course.
20:26Well, have we convinced you?
20:29With such overwhelming evidence, how could I doubt it?
20:33Good. Now, I understand you have the painting of the fallen Madonna.
20:38I have the missing booby.
20:41You must give me the painting.
20:43Then we will insert the booby and send the whole thing to England so they can sell it to raise
20:48money for the war effort.
20:49They're jolly hard up.
20:50But I do not know where the painting is, Basil. René, eat it somewhere.
20:56Search the building for it and bring it to me at my headquarters.
21:01I will do my best.
21:02Your loyalty to the cause will not be forgotten.
21:06And when the war is over, perhaps we can get to know each other better.
21:11I would like that.
21:12I will take you to England and show you my country seat.
21:16Oh, that sounds interesting.
21:17Oh, it is. I've seen it.
21:21Come, Buffy. We must get back for some tiffin and a cup of char.
21:26Good day, Madam Edith.
21:32What is char, Herr Flick?
21:34It is English for tea.
21:37How quickly you forget, Buffy.
21:39Oh.
21:40Sorry, Basil.
21:42What a von twit I am.
21:50This looks like a good spot.
21:52Last one to beg.
21:53A rabbit buys all the drinks.
21:55I am slightly worried.
21:58Isn't this General von Blinkhorn's estate?
22:00He is renowned for being ruthless with poachers.
22:03To hell with von Blinkhorn.
22:05We hunt where we like.
22:07Come on.
22:08Come on.
22:09Come on.
22:11Come on.
22:12Come on.
22:12Come on.
22:13Come on.
22:14Come on.
22:14Come on.
22:25An elk.
22:27In these woods.
22:29Quite extraordinary.
22:32Not a very big one.
22:34My shot, I think.
22:44I think you vinged it, General.
22:46I agree.
22:47But that's the first time I've seen one run off on two legs.
22:54Did you just hear a shot?
22:56Louise, look.
22:57There are Germans over there.
23:00They will not leave the woods alive.
23:02Open up.
23:06Von Blinkhorn's gamekeepers are rather keen.
23:09Quick, back to the car.
23:16There.
23:19Oh.
23:20What a wonderful touching service that was.
23:24And what wonderful things the priest said about Rene.
23:27Well, it is customary to exaggerate on these occasions.
23:32Do not fear, Madame Edith.
23:34Ronnie's memory will live on, even though he has pissed away.
23:43Oh, dry your eyes, girls.
23:46It is over.
23:51Come, let us go into the back room.
23:53I have prepared some sandwiches for us.
23:55Splendid.
23:57I could do with a nobble.
24:02Here.
24:03Help yourselves.
24:05For my part, I could not eat a thing.
24:07I am too upset.
24:09No me.
24:10My appetite is banished also.
24:13Oh, well.
24:14All the more for me.
24:16Oh, do not worry, Madame Edith.
24:18I will look after you, and no one will ever forget a man such as Rene Atrois in the hurry.
24:26Do you think he is up there, Monsieur Alphonse, watching over us?
24:30Who?
24:32Well, of course.
24:34Should we try and get in touch with him?
24:37It's a bit late for that, is it not?
24:38Well, Mama used to do it.
24:40Perhaps she has passed the gift on to me.
24:42Let us all sit around the table and old hands.
24:46Mimi, light the candles.
24:48Yvette, put out the light.
24:51Are you sure you know what you are doing, Madame Edith?
24:54Oh, do not worry.
24:55I will be in control.
25:00I hope so.
25:01It is dangerous to enter the spirit world.
25:05Oh, I must try and get in touch with Rene one more time.
25:09Perhaps he could tell us where he has hidden the falling Madonna painting.
25:12I now would not mind a word with one or two clients of mine
25:16who did not leave enough money to pay their bills.
25:20Here, let us all, old hands.
25:25Oh, it has suddenly gone very cold in here.
25:29I can fool icy fungus down the bock of my neck.
25:33It is very croupy.
25:35Oh, I hope we're doing the right thing.
25:38Is there anyone there who wishes to speak with anyone here?
25:43Two knocks for yes, one knock for no.
25:57Oh, I had a rattle.
25:59I think we are getting through to him.
26:06Oh, I feel his presence, sir.
26:10He cannot be far away.
26:12Oh, be careful, Madame Edith.
26:14I had a friend once who drew a pentacle
26:17and summoned up the devil accidentally
26:19in a deserted laundry.
26:22That must have put the Woolies up in.
26:26Rene, if you are here,
26:29make your presence known.
26:33He knocked.
26:34Oh, my gid.
26:37There is something at the window.
26:40Can it be him?
26:41Back from the groove.
26:42Oh, suddenly my ticker is very dicky.
26:50Oh, I am not afraid,
26:53for I am pure in art
26:55and looked after by the angels.
27:03The angels are on strike.
27:05Oh, my God, it is the devil.
27:07We have conjured up the devil.
27:09Oh, my God.
27:10Oh, my God.
27:11Oh, my God.
27:12Oh, my God.
27:12Oh, the knob has come up in my hand.
27:17Oh, she is fighting with the devil.
27:21What does she say?
27:23The knob has come up in her hand.
27:28We will not like that.
27:31Oh, Rene.
27:33Rene?
27:35You stupid woman.
27:38Of course it is me, alive and well,
27:41after a week under the ground.
27:43Well, what do you say, huh?
27:45How dare you come back to haunt me?
27:47No, no, Edith.
27:48No, I want you to look at something for me.
27:50Look.
27:51There.
27:51Go,ığı, girl.
27:54G- anymore.
27:55Oh, good.
27:55payroll.
27:56All right.
27:57Come on, Cindy.
27:57Oh, my God.
27:58Oh, my God.
27:59All right.
28:14All right.
28:17We are over.
28:18We are over.
28:18We are over.
28:19We are over.
28:21We are over.
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