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00:30APPLAUSE
00:33And welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:37I'm Monty Don and in the news this week,
00:39as a fleet of new bicycles are rolled out,
00:43post office bosses say it's the workers and not the technology
00:47that is responsible for slow delivery rates.
00:56In preparation for his state visit to the US,
00:59to heal the special relationship,
01:01King Charles practises unveiling Donald Trump's plaque of peace.
01:12And ahead of David Attenborough's 100th birthday,
01:16the BBC admits the ban still has some work to do with their rendition
01:21of For He's A Jolly Good Fellow.
01:24BUZZER
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01:30On Ian's team tonight is a journalist who has recently spoken out
01:34against the lazy use of inaccurate AI-generated research.
01:39So please welcome the reigning world triple jump champion
01:43and fourth woman to walk on the moon,
01:44Helen Lewis.
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01:52On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who in a very recent interview
01:55said the worst thing in the news this year is war and social division.
02:01Oh, well, there goes round one.
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02:44What did the astronauts see that no-one else had ever seen?
02:48Well, they say no human eye had ever looked upon the dark side
02:51of the moon in reality, but, of course, we'd seen photographs of it.
02:54Yeah, well, here it is. Yeah. This is what they saw.
02:56Dark side of the moon. You're missing something here, Chris.
02:58I'll tell you that much.
03:00As deep and meaningful as this answer is,
03:02I think the proper answer is just a man cutting his toenails in space.
03:05Yeah.
03:07What did the astronauts notice that they had not seen before?
03:11We had the clangers there, is it?
03:13No.
03:14It wasn't the clangers, they didn't see the clangers.
03:16Did they find a bright spot on it? Ah.
03:18Was it orange? Yes, no, there you are.
03:20You see, Chris, of all the people who couldn't see it...
03:25So orange, they thought it was Donald Trump.
03:27Yeah.
03:28Donald Trump did actually call them to congratulate them?
03:30He did, yes. What did he say?
03:32Well done.
03:33Then he said, I'm going to invite you all to the White House
03:35so I can get your autographs, which is a great honour for you.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:41Back to really important matters.
03:43There's one piece of equipment on the space craft.
03:46Just wait.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:49I should have gone before you came on.
03:53It happens to be the answer, that's a coincidence.
03:56It's like being with a toddler.
03:57Toilet!
03:59Can you put your hand up if you need to go, Paul?
04:02Do you know how much this toilet cost?
04:04Yeah, £45 million.
04:06£23 million.
04:08And it wasn't working?
04:09No.
04:10Let's have a look at it.
04:12No consideration for the female astronaut.
04:14Seat's been left up.
04:16It's...
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17They had to orientate the whole ship to face the sun, didn't they?
04:22To unfreeze the toilet.
04:23I mean, we've all done a few visits in the past, haven't we?
04:25We've had to wait for the sun to hit the bathroom to sort it out.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:32I don't even know what that means.
04:34LAUGHTER
04:34But we've all been there.
04:36Tell me why this space trip was a triumph for Nutella chocolate spread.
04:41I saw the bit of footage of a jar of it sort of floating majestically
04:45through the spaceship, so I presume that's what it was.
04:48Yeah, a pot of it fell out of a bag and floated across the camera.
04:51Mm.
04:52In what was described as the greatest free advert in history.
04:56Eat Nutella and you'll clog a $23 million toilet.
05:00LAUGHTER
05:00Very good.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:02Very good.
05:03And we've only got their word that it is actually Nutella.
05:06Well, you see...
05:08Oh, that's nice talk, isn't it?
05:09Oh, that's nice talk from public school, boy.
05:12That's very nice.
05:13Well, by going beyond the moon, the astronauts...
05:16..broke the record for the farthest distance travelled.
05:19Although, sadly, the Telegraph's notification
05:21didn't have room for the full message, which read,
05:25Artemis II astronauts...
05:28..record for fart.
05:33When did they do to splash down?
05:34Er, tonight. Or yesterday.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:39Up here.
05:40I've got it up here, mate.
05:42Up here.
05:42Well, you need it up here.
05:43Or last year, if you're watching it repeat.
05:46Well...
05:47It's actually earlier as a Saturday morning.
05:49Oh.
05:49Meant to be in the ocean, isn't it?
05:51Yeah.
05:51Imagine the irony if they landed in Iran.
05:53Yeah.
05:57Somebody had a very funny idea.
05:59They said, like, we've got a couple of days,
06:00the whole world population should buy gorilla masks
06:02and put them on.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:06So when the astronauts land, they'll think they're in Planet of the Apes.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:10I think it's a great idea.
06:12We've still got 48 hours to do this.
06:13Yes.
06:13President Trump, just be yourself.
06:15Yeah.
06:16Do you know what speed they'll be doing as they re-enter the atmosphere?
06:1918 miles an hour.
06:21LAUGHTER
06:2210,000 miles an hour.
06:24Unless it's in a low traffic zone.
06:26Well, they will actually be doing 25,000 miles an hour.
06:31What?
06:31Which is seven miles a second.
06:34Incredible.
06:35So if you're a lollipop lady, just keep out the area.
06:38LAUGHTER
06:38And what speed will it have slowed to when it hits the water?
06:42Zero.
06:43Yeah.
06:45Unless it's going to continue down to the bottom of the ocean.
06:47Well, it's actually 20 miles an hour.
06:49No, because it says it here.
06:50No, it says it there.
06:51It says it there.
06:52Which, of course, is great.
06:53But you can't just read that.
06:54If it said, plant me in a shady space and it doesn't work for you.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:57You wouldn't just do that, would you?
06:59You wouldn't just do that.
07:02Of course you wouldn't.
07:04You're better than that.
07:06There was a YouGov survey they did where 49% of Brits said they
07:11wouldn't want to go and the main reason given was they weren't
07:16interested.
07:17No, actually, it was more than that.
07:19They said there wasn't enough to do.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23Crazy golf up there.
07:26LAUGHTER
07:27A lot of craters.
07:29Yeah.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:33Moving on.
07:34What moon-related property was returned to its owner this week 50
07:38years after it was stolen?
07:40Now, that was a clanger.
07:41Yes.
07:42One of those little puppets had been stolen by a man.
07:45And he confessed on his deathbed, apparently.
07:47And he gave it to his relative, who this week handed it back.
07:50Yeah, yeah.
07:50Because she felt she owed it to the moon.
07:53Well, and...
07:54You said it was on his deathbed.
07:55On his deathbed, he confessed to this terrible crime.
07:58Oh, are you all right, Uncle Fred?
07:59Oh, I stole the clanger.
08:00Ugh!
08:01LAUGHTER
08:02When Mother Clanger was returned, apparently what she...
08:05Oh, is it Mother Clanger?
08:06Yeah, what she said was...
08:07LAUGHTER
08:10Exactly, those were her words.
08:14Um...
08:17This is the impending return of NASA's moon mission.
08:22NASA reported that the astronauts had a surprisingly varied diet,
08:26including beef brisket, broccoli au gratin, mac and cheese
08:30and vegetable quiche.
08:32Four of the tastiest tablets they've ever had.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:35A YouGov survey this week said that 49% of Britons would refuse
08:41an opportunity to go to the moon and will continue to do so
08:44until the construction of the International Space Wetherspoons.
08:48LAUGHTER
08:48Now, I thought it might be nice just to have a few quiet moments
08:53with Ned.
08:54MUSIC
09:01We look at a bored-looking dog in a garden.
09:04Uh...
09:06I'm letting that rise above me.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:10I thought Ned was a guitar player, judging by the sound.
09:14LAUGHTER
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16He's...
09:18So your dog plays the guitar, does he?
09:20Ian and Helen, here's yours.
09:23What is this about?
09:24That's President Trump with a bunny, not a Playboy bunny.
09:27Keir Starmer explaining why we're not joining the war in Iran.
09:30Ooh!
09:31And that's Melania Trump trying to fit her Mar-a-Lago face
09:33round a whistle with some difficulty.
09:35It's quite difficult blowing a whistle when you've had a lot of work
09:37done, isn't it?
09:39I...
09:39So I hear.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:41I find it a real problem.
09:44LAUGHTER
09:48You've had work done, are you?
09:50LAUGHTER
09:51Now, I don't want to be rude, don't you think, but I'd ask for your
09:54money back if I...
09:55LAUGHTER
09:55I don't want to be rude.
09:57APPLAUSE
09:58I don't want to be rude.
09:59APPLAUSE
10:01This is the news that none of Trump's war goals have been achieved,
10:06so he's declared it a total victory.
10:08I mean, Iran basically won.
10:10That's the bit that kind of no-one really wants to say out loud.
10:13But, basically, they went in saying we want regime change
10:15and they've ended up with the last guy's son.
10:17And then they said we want to stop them acquiring nuclear weapons.
10:20Well, there's no agreement so far on any of that.
10:22And what they've essentially ended up doing was, Iran says,
10:25well, now we're going to close the Strait of Ulmuz,
10:27except we're going to take tolls on it.
10:28So, they've given Iran a way to make a lot of money.
10:32But if you've got a set of war aims and you achieve none of them,
10:35that's not bad.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38And he's still in talks with the bunny you saw.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:42Who's one of Iran's chief negotiators.
10:46There have been people making a lot of money.
10:47There's been Polymarket, which is one of these prediction betting
10:50markets, and someone seems to have very suspiciously made a lot
10:53of big bets on things that were about to happen.
10:55So, someone has made a lot of money out of this war.
10:57I don't understand you. What are you suggesting?
10:59I'm suggesting there's insider trading in the White House, Monty.
11:01Oh, right. That's what it is.
11:03APPLAUSE
11:07The two-week ceasefire went up to the wire,
11:09with the President taking to Truth Social on Tuesday night to say,
11:13a whole civilisation will die tonight.
11:16I don't want that to happen, but it probably will.
11:20Has there ever been a bigger U-turn, though,
11:22than we're going to liberate a people from an oppressive regime
11:25to we're going to obliterate the entire civilisation?
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30And that wasn't even the craziest Trump true social post.
11:33The one on Easter Sunday was even wackier, right?
11:35Yeah, we will come to that.
11:36Oh, OK, right. We will come to that.
11:37Trust me.
11:38Well, we might come to it now.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:40We're very independent on this.
11:42Oh, OK. Go on, then. Let loose.
11:44We don't have to wait for things to grow.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48Oh, that's nice talk, isn't it?
11:51That's nice talk.
11:52I've heard on Garden, as well,
11:53they just buy a lot of it in and swap it over in between shots anyway.
11:57That's the reason you couldn't see.
11:59But I can smell the lies. Yeah.
12:02On Easter Day, I mean,
12:04he basically both compared himself to Jesus Christ,
12:08and then let other people suggest he was the Messiah.
12:12How did he compare himself to Jesus?
12:14Similar height.
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17He said, oh, they called Jesus a king,
12:19they called me a king.
12:20Mm.
12:21Well, that's a nice Easter Sunday message.
12:23Perhaps we can keep the power law going and crucify him.
12:27LAUGHTER
12:34Donald Trump threatened the destruction of Iran's civil infrastructure,
12:38regarded by many as a war crime, and said,
12:40Tuesday will be power plant day and bridge day,
12:45all wrapped up in one.
12:46There will be nothing like it.
12:48Open the fucking straight, you crazy bastards,
12:52or you will be living in hell.
12:54Well, kind regards.
12:55Don't know.
12:57LAUGHTER
12:57Said a man next to a giant rabbit.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:02Everyone says this is the theory that if he looks completely mad,
13:05his enemies will think, well, he's capable of doing anything.
13:09Whereas, actually, it makes him look as though he's rather weak,
13:13and he's got to shout and scream at them.
13:15I find it best to ignore what he says.
13:17Yeah.
13:18Unfortunately, this programme doesn't follow the same policy.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21It's you and the Ayatollah.
13:22You've heard the rumours.
13:23Yeah.
13:25I didn't know what sort of club it was when we went in there.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:30Let's see how the BBC reported Trump's full and frank posts.
13:35Mm.
13:36There will be nothing like it.
13:38Open the fucking straight, you crazy b****,
13:40or you will be living in hell.
13:53Gosh, the expletive straight's closed as well.
13:59There was light relief at the White House.
14:02Yes, yeah.
14:03As children gathered in the rubble of the East Wing
14:06to see the Easter bunny.
14:08Let's see what Trump told those excited children.
14:11Oh, yes.
14:11But when a thing like that happens, where a pilot's shot down,
14:15in most instances, you're really not able to go in,
14:19because you'll go in with 200 people,
14:21and lots of jet fighters, and helicopters,
14:24and you really don't have a chance to get shot down.
14:28You lose 200 in order to pick up one.
14:30It's a horrible thing.
14:32You can see that at least the bunny is thinking to itself,
14:35what am I doing with my bunny?
14:38Is he talking to kids in that video?
14:41Yeah, well, we can't see the kids,
14:42but the bunny's standing next to him looking very sad and upset.
14:46The question we have all been waiting for...
14:48Yes. Yes.
14:49What has happened to Randy George?
14:52Who?
14:54He's a general.
14:55You may have thought he was a turtle.
14:57No, what...
15:00Why would I have thought he was a turtle?
15:02Lonesome George.
15:02Lonesome George is a very famous tortoise.
15:05Yes.
15:07Now we're getting an insight.
15:08Thank God there's someone here with the detail.
15:11We're now getting an insight into the editorial meetings at Private Life.
15:15In America, they just will call people Randy.
15:18There's a guy called Randy Bumgardner.
15:19Just the best name in American politics.
15:23That's Monty's nickname.
15:29Is that an alias of yours on the internet?
15:30It is.
15:31It is.
15:32He was actually the US Army...
15:34I say was...
15:35Chief of Staff and is amongst at least 12 senior military officials
15:39that had been removed from their post after, according to The Telegraph,
15:43Secretary of War Pete Hegseth undertook a round of firings.
15:48Pete Hegseth's Chief of Staff reportedly said that Trump wouldn't want
15:51to stand next to a black woman officer.
15:54He'd rather stand next to a giant bunny than a black female officer.
15:58Yes.
15:59He doesn't know who's inside the bunny costume, does he?
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03Back to the global show.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:11As the world held its breath, Donald Trump's spokesperson, Caroline Leavitt,
16:17told the media,
16:21I think it's even fewer people than that.
16:25LAUGHTER
16:29After the miraculous rescue of an airman for Iranian territory over Easter,
16:34Pete Hegseth said,
16:36Shut down on Friday.
16:37Hidden in a cave on Saturday.
16:39Rescued on Sunday.
16:41So presumably making love by Monday.
16:44LAUGHTER
16:49OK.
16:51Before we move on, here are your jobs for the weekend.
16:54Do continue to deadhead those spring bulbs,
16:56and for those of you who enjoy tropical plants,
16:59it's a good opportunity to unfleece your banana.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:06Don't take this in the wrong way,
17:07but is it too late to get somebody else?
17:09LAUGHTER
17:10On to round two.
17:12This is Monty's News Mulch,
17:14and I have here a necessary kit.
17:19I will water a seed in this pot,
17:22which will then germinate a picture and an audio clue.
17:26So fingers on both.
17:26Is that what they've told you?
17:28It will happen.
17:29It will happen.
17:29All right.
17:30Here we go.
17:30All right.
17:31Real water, real seed.
17:32Ah, ah, ah.
17:36I'm a laughing gnome,
17:37and you get me!
17:40BUZZER
17:41OK, well, that was the laughing gnome, David Bowie,
17:43and this is...
17:44I think this is about the Chelsea Flower Show, isn't it?
17:46Where they had...
17:47I didn't realise there was a ban on gnomes,
17:49but they lifted the ban this year.
17:50What do you think about gnomes? Do you think they're nice or do you think they're sort of strange evil
17:54creatures which steal your soul at night?
17:56I think that they're clearly strange evil creatures that steal your soul at night.
18:00Do you have any in your garden? No, because they steal my soul.
18:05Would you sell your soul to win at the Chelsea Flower Show?
18:08Yeah. Moving on...
18:12It's only the second time in 113 years that they're allowed.
18:17So, for the rest of the time, they're sent back from the main gate, are they?
18:20Yeah, they're trying to get in. They don't have the right ticket.
18:22They might hire a minibus, they might have come from Luton, but no, that's it, you can't get in.
18:27Five of them on each other's shoulders trying to look like a normal person.
18:31Do you know what else is set to cause a buzz at this year's Chelsea Flower Show?
18:35Bees. Must be bees. No. David Beckham.
18:38What is he doing at Chelsea this year, do you know?
18:40Well, I mean, I believe he's designing a garden or something, but he's not, is he?
18:44Do you know who he's doing it with? Prince Charles. Yeah.
18:47He's got seven flower beds to represent the number on his shirt and zero sunflowers
18:53to represent the number of times he spoke to his own son in the last year.
18:57LAUGHTER
19:02Can I just ask, is that Beckham or King Charles?
19:06Ooh!
19:08APPLAUSE
19:13Well, you're absolutely right, David Beckham is designing a garden with King Charles,
19:17or as the Daily Star referred to them both, Chas and Dave.
19:22LAUGHTER
19:23And according to The Telegraph, providing expertise for the garden is, yes,
19:31you've guessed it, it's TV's top gardener, national treasure, all-round good egg...
19:36Alan Titchmarsh. Yes.
19:38LAUGHTER
19:40Yes.
19:40Oh!
19:43That bastard!
19:45LAUGHTER
19:47Are you tempted at all to sneak in and take a waz on their dahlias?
19:52LAUGHTER
19:54No, I don't waz on anyone's dahlias.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58We are all an incredibly happy family in the gardening world
20:01and we love each other, really.
20:02That doesn't sound very likely.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:05Moving on.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:08This is the return of The Chelsea Flower Show.
20:11This year's show also includes an erotic-themed garden
20:14and I'm happy to tell you that my favourite position is the wheelbarrow.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:19I go outside on my own and I push a wheelbarrow up and down the garden.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:26Are you fully cognizant of what you're saying here?
20:30LAUGHTER
20:31You had a TV career before you came on this show.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:35Just leave the autocue, Monty, you'll be fine.
20:40OK.
20:41Brace yourselves.
20:42Go on.
20:42Fingers on buzzer.
20:43I'm watering the scene.
20:45Ooh, hanky-panky.
20:47Oh, yeah, good luck with that one, Chris.
20:49LAUGHTER
20:51OK, well, we're seeing Kenneth Williams and Hattie Jakes in bed.
20:54Um, hanky-panky.
20:56This is a phrase which apparently younger people don't know what it means
20:59they don't use it anymore.
21:00Yeah.
21:01Apparently 67% of Gen Z say they've never heard the phrase hanky-panky before.
21:07The Daily Star gave a rundown of the least understood innuendos
21:11and here they are.
21:13OK.
21:15At number 10, a seeing-to at 28%.
21:21Justine at number 9 is getting your leg over at 30%.
21:25Dropping down to number 8 is screwing at 32%.
21:29Holding its own at number 7 is nookie at 48%.
21:33And a new entry, rumpy-pumpy at 61% at number 6.
21:38Yes.
21:39Steadily at number 5, hanky-panky, 67%.
21:42And just below the top 3, at number 4, slap and tickle, 68%.
21:47LAUGHTER
21:47And then, unbelievably, number 3, making love, 71% have not heard of it.
21:54What?
21:54Number 2, kept off the top spot is a knee trembler, 76%.
21:59LAUGHTER
21:59And topping the charts, number 1, how's your father?
22:1071% of younger people don't know the phrase making love.
22:14Well, it strikes me if that's the case,
22:16there'll be no more Gens after Gen Z.
22:19LAUGHTER
22:20How many times do you have to hear the words rumpy-pumpy before guessing?
22:23You think it's a type of pudding.
22:25LAUGHTER
22:26So, public school.
22:28Oh, gosh, rumpy-pumpy today.
22:31Thank you, patron.
22:33LAUGHTER
22:35Ah, Monty and I are going back.
22:38We're going all dewy-eyed.
22:40LAUGHTER
22:42Time now for the odd one out round.
22:44Just one between you this week.
22:46Yeah.
22:46Your four are...
22:48Joan Collins, Alan Titchmarsh.
22:50Yes.
22:50Jacob Rees-Mogg.
22:51Yes.
22:52And me.
22:53And you.
22:54Mm.
22:54Oh, there you are, lying.
22:56Yeah, I'm here.
22:56That's the fourth picture.
22:57Um, OK.
22:58Well, Alan Titchmarsh is incredibly successful.
23:01Oh, yeah, yeah.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:05Really, really loved by the British public.
23:08Yeah.
23:09Jacob Rees-Mogg is not loved by the British public,
23:12so maybe the other two aren't either.
23:14Well...
23:15LAUGHTER
23:15Has it got anything to do with writing novels?
23:18Has Alan Titchmarsh has written a novel, hasn't he?
23:21Yeah, erotic novel.
23:22Yeah.
23:22Monty, I mean, certainly, you're eight matters last year.
23:24Have you written any novels?
23:25I haven't written any novels and you're wildly off track.
23:28Have you written any erotic novels?
23:29Not only have I not written any novels,
23:31I haven't written any erotic novels either.
23:32That's the kind of thing someone would say
23:34if they have written an erotic novel.
23:35LAUGHTER
23:37I'm going to give you a clue.
23:39It's something to do with clothing that we don't like.
23:41Ah.
23:42Underwear.
23:43Do you wear underwear?
23:44No, I don't.
23:45I do wear underwear, but it's none of your business.
23:48LAUGHTER
23:48Alan Titchmarsh has had his trousers censored.
23:51Yes, you're on the right track.
23:52Because he was wearing jeans.
23:53Yeah, in Korea, I think he was.
23:56Monty Don, always naked.
23:59LAUGHTER
24:00Erm...
24:01It's the correct answer.
24:02LAUGHTER
24:04It's sort of right.
24:06The truth is that none of us wear jeans
24:09except for Alan Titchmarsh.
24:11Ah.
24:11Whose jeans were censored by North Korea.
24:14This is because they're seen as a sort of Western attire.
24:18Exactly.
24:18Yes, that's exactly right.
24:19Capitalist trousers.
24:20Let's have a look at Alan's pixelated bottom half.
24:23There he is.
24:26LAUGHTER
24:28It makes it look ruder than it actually ever was.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:33Do you know why Joan Collins doesn't wear jeans?
24:36She doesn't like them.
24:37Yes.
24:39LAUGHTER
24:40LAUGHTER
24:42Jacob Rees-Mogg also admitted he's never wore jeans
24:45and asked by Andrew Marr if he had ever owned jeans or a T-shirt.
24:50Rees-Mogg responded, why would I want to?
24:54Instead, he said he prefers to wear a suit when relaxing.
24:59Presumably like this.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02Why don't you wear jeans?
25:04They're really cold in winter, they're hot in summer,
25:07they're slow to drive when they wear and they chafe in places
25:10where you don't want to chafe.
25:12Well, like Doncaster.
25:14LAUGHTER
25:14LAUGHTER
25:15You've got it.
25:16Time now for the missing words round,
25:18which this week features as its guest publication,
25:21Moth Mumblings,
25:22the newsletter of the Hertfordshire and Middlesex Moth Group.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:26And we start with...
25:28You'll feel better if you what with the lights off.
25:31Is it practice incest?
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34No, no, no.
25:35Oh, you'd like the lights on, would you?
25:38LAUGHTER
25:40It's you'll feel better if you shower with the lights off.
25:44Ah!
25:45Do it every day, still don't feel better.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:50It's a lie.
25:53Next.
25:54Moth Mumblings sometimes includes content about what,
25:58but only if it's interesting enough.
26:06Well, no.
26:10The answer is moths from outside the Hertfordshire and Middlesex area.
26:14LAUGHTER
26:17I'm surprised you didn't get that.
26:19I should have, now.
26:19I've got the tip of my tongue.
26:21This is from Moth Mumblings, which, incidentally,
26:23is quite a new magazine.
26:24It's emerged recently from Caterpillar Monthly.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:29Oh, now, finally.
26:30Octopuses like to what using what?
26:35Does it count to eight using their legs?
26:38Octopuses like to make love using a specialised mating arm.
26:45Oh, I've got one of them.
26:47LAUGHTER
26:49He only uses it on himself.
26:50Yeah.
26:52But you can make a cup of tea at the same time.
26:55LAUGHTER
26:55And stir the sugar in.
26:58LAUGHTER
26:59This is the revelation that a male octopus has a special arm known
27:04as a hectocotylus, which he uses to deliver a parcel of sperm.
27:10Or if you're out, he will leave it with a neighbour.
27:12LAUGHTER
27:14So, we have the final scores.
27:17Do we?
27:17Yes.
27:18Yeah.
27:18Which are...
27:19Oh, no, we haven't lost, have we?
27:20Ian and Helen have five.
27:23And Paul and Chris have six.
27:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
27:30On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
27:33Ian Hislop and Helen Lewis, Paul Merton and Chris McCausland.
27:37And I leave you with news that, in Canterbury,
27:40police chiefs deny their recruits aren't up to the job
27:43as one stops a passer-by to ask
27:45which way the suspected cathedral robber went.
27:49LAUGHTER
27:53At Heathrow, an air traffic controller
27:56tells an incoming 747 to aim for those red dots.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:04And the Queen's habit of leaving a pork pie
28:07tucked behind her ear for later...
28:09LAUGHTER
28:09..has its inevitable consequences.
28:13LAUGHTER
28:13Good night.
28:17APPLAUSE
28:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
28:27You can listen to live commentary reports
28:30and reaction from Augusta.
28:31You can follow The Masters with BBC Sounds.
28:34This and everything across the BBC is made possible
28:37because we're funded by you.
28:39What are those criminal masterminds next?
28:42It's The Young Offenders.
28:45APPLAUSE
28:45You...
28:46Yes.
28:47We're jijanna.
28:48Two.
28:48Three.
28:50One.
28:51Two.
28:52Three.
28:52Three.
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