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00:36Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You. I'm Gabby Logan. In the news this week, as his
00:41teenage daughter starts learning to drive, one proud dad buys her a little runaround.
00:52Police chiefs say they're delighted with the success of a scheme to train people with backgrounds in performing arts to
00:58become officers.
01:06And in Ayrshire, the local council decides to bring in extra support to help with bin collection.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:25On Ian's team tonight is an American comedian based in Spain who splits her time between Barcelona and London.
01:32So that's six months in London and six months in Barcelona Airport waiting to get her fingerprints taken.
01:38Please welcome Michelle Wolf.
01:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:44On Paul's team tonight is a comedian who says he's extremely sensitive to noise. So if he does say anything
01:51funny, please do try not to laugh.
01:54Please welcome Myles Young.
01:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:09There's Victor Orban, now known as Loser Orban.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:14That's Peter Marjar, who won. That shows that populism isn't always popular. Yes!
02:21And there's another loser.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23He's just saying how much he deserves Ukraine and also how big his penis is.
02:29You're absolutely correct, that is.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:36LAUGHTER
02:36You're absolutely sure I'll go with it.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:40Said with a certainty of first-hand knowledge.
02:43LAUGHTER
02:44Peter Marjar is, of course, the new Prime Minister of Hungary.
02:48Do you know what Marjar means in Hungarian?
02:51It just means Hungarian.
02:52Yes.
02:53The other thing we know about him is that he wears a gilet.
02:55Does he?
02:56Yeah.
02:57Dirty dough.
02:58So, I mean, he might not be from Hungary, he might be from Guildford.
03:01Yeah.
03:04Undercover.
03:05Working undercover.
03:06It's a little alarming because in all those pictures he's wearing a vest which looks very, you know, tech bro.
03:12That's a gilet.
03:13Oh, that's a gilet.
03:14Yeah, yeah.
03:14I'm sorry, we don't use fancy words in America.
03:16OK.
03:17I'm genetically incapable of using words like tech bro.
03:21LAUGHTER
03:21Without sounding like I'm trying rather too hard.
03:24What Queen's song did they sing at the victory rally?
03:28We Are The Champions, presumably.
03:30Yes, it was, yeah.
03:31Rather than The Bohemian Rhapsody, which was...
03:33LAUGHTER
03:34It's a good tune but inappropriate.
03:36Yeah.
03:37They borrowed that CD from Arsenal, they might not be needing it.
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41Um...
03:42LAUGHTER
03:44Are Arsenal not doing well?
03:46Oh, they've had a wobbly few weeks.
03:48Although they...
03:49This week went better for them...
03:50Oh, good, I am.
03:50..because they've got a Champions League semi-final.
03:52LAUGHTER
03:53Do you want to have a look at the Hungarian Health Minister dancing?
03:56Yes, please.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:10And that's before he even had a drink.
04:12LAUGHTER
04:13That's better than Trump dancing, though, isn't it?
04:15Yes, it is.
04:16A lot of people in this country spent a lot of time saying,
04:18No, I mean, Orban, you know, we could learn a lot from him.
04:21And Farage, in various speeches, said that there were certain types
04:25of political figures who he modelled himself on.
04:29Millet, Orban, Trump.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:32Um...
04:33If populism isn't popular...
04:35LAUGHTER
04:36..it's goodbye to a number of old friends.
04:40LAUGHTER
04:40I'm cautiously optimistic about democracy,
04:43but they still elected a man,
04:45and I just think men shouldn't be in charge any more.
04:47I think...
04:48I think you...
04:51Can I just say Biz Trust?
04:53LAUGHTER
04:55It's a blip.
04:56It's a blip and, I don't know,
04:58maybe just get a lady in there if we're not too emotional.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:05APPLAUSE
05:06Who would be upset that Orban lost?
05:09The Americans.
05:11Particularly as they sent J.D. Vance over, specifically,
05:14to say, vote Orban.
05:16Yeah.
05:17It feels like you send J.D. Vance in to be like,
05:19listen, I know we can't agree on anything,
05:21but we can all agree, this guy sucks.
05:24Well, there is a pattern, isn't there, with J.D. Vance?
05:27Yes.
05:27Something of a curse when he gets involved with things.
05:30Yes.
05:30Anything he touches turns to dust.
05:33Yeah.
05:33I hope he touches himself.
05:35LAUGHTER
05:37I should think that's a given.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:44Well, he met the previous Pope...
05:46That's right.
05:46..who then died.
05:47Yeah.
05:48Rather than have another meeting.
05:49Yeah.
05:50Shall we have a look at Vance meeting the Pope?
05:52Yes.
05:52Yes.
05:56The Pope is thinking, right, that's it, I'm going.
05:58Yeah.
06:00As one person on X commented, the J stands for jinx,
06:03so what does the D stand for?
06:06Dick Dingleberry, dumbass.
06:08Dick Dingleberry?
06:09Dick Dingleberry.
06:10Oh, yes.
06:10I used to go out to his sister.
06:12LAUGHTER
06:13You know, his mum was addicted to drugs and, um...
06:16I get it.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:21LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:26What was Donald Trump doing when J.D. Vance announced
06:29that peace talks with Iran had collapsed?
06:31He was at a cage fight.
06:33Did he win?
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36Let's have a look.
06:37This is in Miami.
06:38It's good to see him behind the walls of a cage, though, isn't it?
06:41LAUGHTER
06:42APPLAUSE
06:44What image on T-Social was Trump forced into deleting?
06:49This is the image of him as a doctor.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:54Which people have willfully misrepresented.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Let's have a look, shall we?
06:59Yeah.
06:59There he is.
07:01It's quite...
07:02It's one of the most famous pictures in the world ever.
07:05William Holman Hunt,
07:06the light of the world in which Christ is holding a light.
07:09It's a very well-known picture.
07:10And Trump said,
07:12I'm a doctor.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:14Which, you know, American healthcare, come on.
07:17I mean, that's about as good as a healthcare as we get it.
07:19A pat on the forehead.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:21I see that there's a vulture in there somewhere.
07:24Is that waiting for him to die so he can peck his eyes out?
07:26LAUGHTER
07:28Shall we have a little listen to Trump explaining
07:30it away?
07:31Mm, why not?
07:32I thought it was me as a doctor and had to do with Red Cross
07:35as a Red Cross worker there, which we support.
07:38And, er, only the fake news could come up with that one.
07:42LAUGHTER
07:43And only a fake president could come up with that one.
07:46LAUGHTER
07:48APPLAUSE
07:50Young Lee, it's an incredible bit of dishonesty to literally post
07:54yourself as the messiah and then say, no, that's fake news.
08:00Come on.
08:01I also heard that in the speech they gave him it said the image
08:04was doctored.
08:05Yeah.
08:06It was a doctored image and he read, I'm a doctor.
08:10LAUGHTER
08:11What other religious figure has Trump had?
08:14Oh, the Pope.
08:15Because the Pope apparently is weak on crime.
08:19Yeah.
08:21That's traditionally the Pope's remit, isn't it?
08:24LAUGHTER
08:24It's why you don't see neighbourhood watch signs any more.
08:27No.
08:27It's because previous Popes have been so strong on crime.
08:31Trump was very worried that the Pope hadn't supported the war.
08:35Do you think it's because Pope Leo is American?
08:37Obviously, he feels he's not being patriotic when he's...
08:40Well, Trump said he wouldn't be Pope if it wasn't for me.
08:43He said he wasn't even on the list.
08:46LAUGHTER
08:46On the list?
08:48Trump doesn't make up the list. I've seen Conclave.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:55The Vatican is its own country.
08:57Yeah.
08:57Isn't that right?
08:58So it's not... I mean, it's not uninvadaable, is it?
09:01No.
09:01LAUGHTER
09:04You know, he's quite small.
09:06Yeah.
09:07He's debating theology.
09:09Him and Vance have decided to take the Pope on,
09:12on his special subject.
09:15Maybe they'll make another new church?
09:18The Church of Trump?
09:20Yes.
09:21Don't put that idea out there.
09:23Because you're in charge of the church,
09:25you can't rule a country any more.
09:27Oh, yeah, I think we should encourage him to take on more hobbies.
09:29Yeah!
09:32I mean, they do that in the States.
09:34If they had the Mormons, they could have the morons.
09:39APPLAUSE
09:42This is the news that in Hungary, the far-right Prime Minister,
09:46Viktor Orban, has been replaced.
09:48J.D. Vance was in Hungary to try and save Viktor Orban's campaign.
09:52He's got quite a history of interventions.
09:54Meets the Pope.
09:55He dies.
09:56Attends Iran peace talks.
09:58They collapse.
09:59Supports Viktor Orban.
10:00He loses in landslide.
10:01And this weekend, he'll be in the Spurs dugout.
10:04LAUGHTER
10:08In his recent post, Trump has clearly associated himself with Jesus.
10:12To be fair, if Trump could walk on water,
10:14it would make it a lot easier to collect the tolls
10:17in the Strait of Hormuz.
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20While Vance negotiated with Iran,
10:22Trump attended an ultimate fighting championship event,
10:25along with Andrew Tate.
10:27Not sure it's good optics to be seen with a sexual predator,
10:30but I guess Andrew Tate is happy to take the risk.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:38Paul and Miles, here's your story.
10:40Right.
10:41Oh, OK, black and white.
10:42Fish and chips and black and white.
10:44Oh, yeah.
10:44There we are, 1980s.
10:45There we are, have some of that.
10:46Instant mash.
10:47Instant mash.
10:48New opportunities for Keir Starmer.
10:50LAUGHTER
10:50There we are, you'd be better off eating the plastic, mate.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:53Well, that is Anita Rani sort of forcing muddy root vegetables
10:57on people.
10:57Yeah.
10:58As she does.
10:59She will do that.
11:00What's the story?
11:01That's a manglewurzel, isn't it, that vegetable at the end?
11:04Mm.
11:05School dinners, obesity crisis in schools,
11:07so they're going to try and stop giving children fish and chips
11:09and sponge puddings and things like that.
11:11Yeah.
11:12School dinners have to be healthier, the government has said,
11:14by September of next year.
11:16So do you know what is actually out and off the menu?
11:19Anything fried.
11:20Chicken nuggets, I've specifically mentioned.
11:22Oh, good, good.
11:22Is there a goujon allowance?
11:24Yeah.
11:27I was just going to say, a goujon's a bit like a gilet.
11:29I was going to say...
11:31LAUGHTER
11:31If someone could translate it for me.
11:34I should note that school lunch in Barcelona is just a double shot
11:37of espresso and a cigarette.
11:39LAUGHTER
11:41More vegetables will be included, and you've already mentioned
11:44the manglewurzel.
11:46Shall we have another look at one?
11:46Yeah, by all means, yeah.
11:47It's an unusual looking thing, isn't it?
11:49That is from Harry Potter.
11:51LAUGHTER
11:53Do you know why everybody's talking about the manglewurzel?
11:57Nobody's talking about...
11:57I mean, it's literally...
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59It's literally just us.
12:01What the fuck are they talking about?
12:04Imagine me.
12:05It's going to feature in The Great Pavilion at the Chelsea Flower
12:09Show in May, having made a stunning comeback.
12:12It's the first upgrade to school dinners in 13 years.
12:15Nobody...
12:16I've noticed that no celebrity chef has jumped in and said
12:19they want to help.
12:20No.
12:20Who would you like it to be?
12:21The Premier League footballers that could persuade children
12:24to eat more crudités?
12:25Probably.
12:26Harry Kane could probably persuade children to do quite a lot,
12:29couldn't he?
12:30I'm Harry Kane and I like manglewurzels.
12:32LAUGHTER
12:33Is he here?
12:34Someone's undone it.
12:35Would I score 50 goals this year if I'd started eating manglewurzels?
12:39Are you miming to him?
12:41It's just one of the many, many voices I do.
12:45LAUGHTER
12:45Men in suits, men in v-necks, people from Guildford, yeah.
12:49He's never won, right?
12:51That's his thing?
12:51Well, England haven't won a major trophy in the men's department.
12:55Yes.
12:55The ladies' department is doing very well.
12:57Yes.
12:58CHEERING
13:00But the men's is a bit low on trophies.
13:03I can't believe you've said the word ladies' department.
13:07It's not Marks and Spencers in 1950.
13:12The women's department...
13:13Honestly, I should be doing matches that day.
13:15LAUGHTER
13:15But he's been more successful playing for clubs...
13:19This is really your topic, Ian, if you don't mind me jumping in.
13:22LAUGHTER
13:24He's doing much better in Germany than he was...
13:26He is.
13:26He's scored 50 goals this season.
13:28Yeah.
13:28By the time this goes out, probably a few more.
13:30But he actually hasn't got a game today.
13:32LAUGHTER
13:33Well, he's too busy filming manglewurzels.
13:36He's got to get on the socials.
13:37Shall we move on from manglewurzels?
13:39Yeah.
13:39To milk.
13:40Milk.
13:40Oh, at last.
13:41Yeah.
13:43Um...
13:45According to a survey, you can tell how someone is likely to vote
13:48according to the type of milk they prefer in their tea and coffee.
13:52Yes.
13:52So, fingers on buzzers, everyone.
13:54This sounds scientific, this, doesn't it?
13:56People who drink oat milk are more likely to vote...
14:00Green Party.
14:02Labour.
14:02Oh.
14:04LAUGHTER
14:06Yeah, like you're interested.
14:09Are we milk?
14:11Green Party.
14:12Labour.
14:14How did milk?
14:16Independent.
14:17Labour.
14:18If you prefer tea or coffee with whole milk, you're most likely to vote...
14:22Labour.
14:24Green Party.
14:24Reform UK.
14:25Oh.
14:26As we can see, Reform UK voters are also the most likely to have
14:30their tea and coffee black.
14:32I'll leave that there.
14:36Of course, because we're in the run-up to the elections,
14:40we're now legally required to list all the other types of milks
14:42that are available.
14:45Why might Keir Starler...
14:47Hang on.
14:48Pea milk?
14:50Pea milk?
14:51Yes.
14:51Somebody's nicknamed for something else there.
14:52Yeah.
14:54Right.
14:57Some people call it nut milk.
14:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
15:02Why might Keir Starmer be toast before then?
15:05He's in trouble with Peter Mandelson again.
15:07Why?
15:08There was a report in The Guardian today that said that actually
15:11the Security Services didn't clear Peter Mandelson,
15:15which is quite encouraging, because he was quite obviously
15:18unsuitable.
15:19But the Foreign Office cleared him, didn't they?
15:20The Foreign Office overrode this and Keir Starmer said,
15:23I didn't know that there was this report.
15:26So people are saying he should resign because either he should have known
15:30that the Security Services didn't clear Peter Mandelson to be
15:33ambassador to Washington, or he did know and he told Parliament
15:37that he didn't know.
15:38But what sort of milk does he like?
15:41LAUGHTER
15:44Staying with politics, what's going on here?
15:47Oh, this is a competition.
15:49Apparently these people won it and they're going to have their energy bills
15:52for a year pay them in the street.
15:54Yeah.
15:54It does look like they're recasting the Addams Family, doesn't it?
16:01The winner had close links to reform.
16:07And Nigel Farage is in charge of reform.
16:10So some people thought, that's a slightly odd connection.
16:13But I didn't.
16:20Although Reform UK insists the winner was drawn at random,
16:24Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch smelled a rat and reposted a comment
16:28on X saying, it must have been so weird to pretend they've never met.
16:32I will say, I am thrilled to see just standard, old-fashioned
16:39political corruptness.
16:41Isn't it nice?
16:42Staying with Reform UK here, a picture of candidate George Monk
16:46with MP Andrew Rossendel was thought to bear some resemblance
16:50to little and large.
16:51See what you think.
16:52It does look like them.
16:53That is...
16:55LAUGHTER
16:59APPLAUSE
17:04And you can see a full list of the candidates at the bottom of the screen.
17:07Gosh.
17:09And these are all types of milk up.
17:11LAUGHTER
17:14This is the government's overhaul of school meals.
17:17According to The Times, the whole school catering system lacks teeth.
17:21And after six years of chocolate puddings and custard, so do the kids.
17:24In other news, Nigel Farage has been promoting a £2 million investment
17:29in Bitcoin just months after announcing that reform will accept donations
17:34in the form of cryptocurrency.
17:36Or, failing that, rubles.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:39Time now for the odd-one-out round.
17:41Ian and Michelle, here are your four.
17:43Artemis II astronauts, Russian submariners, Captain Nemo
17:47and a parakeet called Bibi.
17:49I think this is about being underneath the sea.
17:52Mm-hm.
17:53Cos the Russian submariners were underneath the sea,
17:57having a good look at our cables and just seeing if there was anything
18:00they could cut.
18:01And they were spotted by the Royal Navy.
18:04Jules Verne's Captain Nemo, he was 20,000 gilets under the sea.
18:09And that bird was in the news cos there's a parrot in a submarine.
18:14Very good.
18:15And Paul made the point last time that the Artemis crew
18:17didn't actually go underwater.
18:19They stopped at the water.
18:21So, I think they're all underwater except the Artemis lot
18:25who were on top of the water.
18:26Absolutely correct.
18:27APPLAUSE
18:31Let's have our first glimpse, shall we, of the astronauts
18:34after touchdowns.
18:35Yeah, first glimpse.
18:36Do it, say it.
18:38Yes!
18:40Hank, welcome home.
18:42Christina, welcome home.
18:44Yes!
18:46Jeremy, absolutely.
18:47Welcome home, brother.
18:48There's more glass!
18:49There it is, me!
18:51What's up?
18:51Welcome home, brother.
18:53Yeah, I mean, it's lovely to see these people open the ship
18:56and not arrest the black guy.
19:07There was, according to the Times, a leak
19:09in a helium pressurisation system.
19:11The helium leak led to one astronaut reporting,
19:15oh, shall we have a problem?
19:18Um...
19:21I did ask for helium, but apparently it's not allowed on set
19:24any more.
19:25Yeah, they used to have that sort of thing around, but once Ian got
19:27into his sort of hippie crack problem...
19:29Do you know what?
19:30It's easier if people have nothing.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Some shows he'd float to the ceiling.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:35Why was a parakeet underwater, then, for 15 minutes last week?
19:40There's a little submarine.
19:41Its owner, Stephen Lawyer from Iowa, thought it would be fun
19:44to build his pet parakeet, his very own submarine,
19:47and according to Stephen, Phoebe also loves it.
19:54I mean, when he says he loves it, I mean, that parrot looks like,
19:56how the fuck am I going to get out of this?
19:59LAUGHTER
20:01I mean, I do hope the Ministry of Defence is watching,
20:04cos we could order those in bulk.
20:07LAUGHTER
20:07Well, they're basically see-through kettles on their side, aren't they?
20:09Yeah.
20:10How did the parakeet's owner, Stephen, ensure that the parakeet
20:14was safe while it was underwater?
20:16Put a canary inside the submarine.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:19Yeah, exactly.
20:23According to GB News, prior to going there,
20:25the submarine underwent extensive testing in a sink.
20:28LAUGHTER
20:30You mentioned the Russian submariners were caught.
20:34Defence Secretary John Healey directly addressed the Russian
20:37President from a conference in Downing Street. Here he is.
20:39And to President Putin, I say, we see you,
20:43we see your activity over our cables and our pipelines,
20:47and you should know that any attempt to damage them
20:51will not be tolerated and will have serious consequences.
20:55See it, say it, source it.
21:04Defence Minister John Healey proudly announced
21:06that the UK had seen off the threat of Russian submarines
21:08to the UK's vital communication cables, saying,
21:11we have no evidence that there has been any damage,
21:14which is very reassuring.
21:17LAUGHTER
21:18LAUGHTER
21:20Paul and Miles. Yes.
21:21Your four are...
21:23A theatre-goer at the Paddington Musical,
21:26fans of Gherkins,
21:27Scottish parliamentary candidate Rob Pownall,
21:30and Donald Trump's Cabinet.
21:32What would somebody do in a theatre at a Paddington
21:34and think it would make news?
21:35They could shout,
21:36Christ, I didn't know there was a bear in this.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:40Shouldn't he be getting the bins in?
21:41Yeah.
21:43LAUGHTER
21:44Is it to do with jars?
21:46I mean, Gherkins...
21:49..come in jars?
21:51Perhaps an audience member was eating something out of a jar?
21:54No.
21:55You're struggling a bit here.
21:56Yeah, we are.
21:56Well, they've all recently appeared in public in an unusual outfit,
22:00apart from Trump's Cabinet,
22:02who always appear in public wearing identical shoes.
22:04The same shoes?
22:04Shoes, yes, yes.
22:06Do you know why?
22:06Trump bought them all a pair of black shoes and said,
22:09you've all got to wear these shoes.
22:11Originally, he gave them all pairs of sandals
22:13so that they could imitate the disciples and worship them.
22:18LAUGHTER
22:20APPLAUSE
22:21How interesting.
22:23Well, he's actually commented that J.D. Vance and Marco Rubio
22:27had...shitty shoes.
22:29LAUGHTER
22:29Well, that's because they're always climbing around in his butthole,
22:36so...
22:36So, these shoes are called the Florsheims
22:39and they cost $145 a pair.
22:41They're made in China and...
22:45They're wearing them...
22:46He says they're very, very comfortable
22:48and they look nice
22:50and they wear them whether it's the right size or not.
22:53Some people, as you point out, Michelle,
22:54have had problems with the shoes
22:56because he guesses the size before he sends them out to people.
23:00His guessing didn't go so well for Marco Rubio.
23:02So, have a little look at those.
23:05LAUGHTER
23:05Dear Lord.
23:08He's prominent in his negotiations with Iran
23:10but they're going to see this guy wearing shoes
23:13that another man bought him that doesn't fit
23:15and he does not have the balls to say,
23:17Mr President, these shoes are the wrong size.
23:19So the Iranians are going to see that and be like,
23:21guys, it's fine, we're going to win.
23:27APPLAUSE
23:28And all the guys there just sitting there saying,
23:31we're having trouble with arseholes.
23:33Hey!
23:34Thank you very much.
23:38What did a theatre-goer choose to wear to a performance of Paddington
23:41the musical recently?
23:43Oh, a Paddington costume of their own, I imagine.
23:45Yeah, you're right.
23:47Superfan.
23:47Yeah.
23:48Tracey Taylor went dressed as Paddington himself.
23:50There she is.
23:51But what happened when she arrived at the theatre?
23:53She was arrested.
23:54Someone was very mad to sit inside.
23:56According to The Sun, she was approached by the theatre manager
23:59who told her,
24:00I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate your head.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:03Because they argued it would block other audience members' views.
24:07Is it an adult or a child?
24:09Tracey?
24:09Yeah.
24:09She's an adult.
24:10Oh, right.
24:11Yeah, sorry, Tracey, you can't do that.
24:14You wouldn't do it at the opera.
24:15LAUGHTER
24:18You wouldn't turn up as Siegfried, would you?
24:21Sorry, sir, you'll have to take off your Valkyrie hat.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:25Can't run anywhere.
24:26What unusual outfit was Scottish parliamentary candidate
24:29Rob Pownall spotted wearing in public?
24:32Was it, er, he dressed as Nicola Sturgeon?
24:35LAUGHTER
24:35He was dressed as a Sturgeon.
24:37LAUGHTER
24:38He's standing as an independent candidate in Edinburgh
24:41and is spending his entire campaign dressed as a giant gannet.
24:46LAUGHTER
24:47I just feel like if Tracey from Paddington is single and he's single...
24:53LAUGHTER
24:54..this is a match.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56What?
24:57What might a fan of gherkins like to wear?
25:00Jerkins.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:02Well, to celebrate the vegetable, KFC has released a new gherkin-themed jacket
25:07called the Pickle Puffer.
25:09It's filled with real pickles and pickle brine.
25:12Oh.
25:13And here it is.
25:14Oils!
25:15Oils!
25:16But surely that's got to be a gherkin-jerkin, isn't it?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20The only other thing would be a gherkin-jerkin-merkin.
25:23Ooh!
25:24That's probably right off me salad, I'll tell you that.
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Time now for the missing words round, which this week features as its guest publication,
25:33Olive Oil Times, a slightly down-market magazine compared to the much more expensive
25:38extra-virgin Olive Oil Times.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41And we're going to start with...
25:43Lancashire man has unusual way of delivering your takeaway what?
25:47Telepathy!
25:48LAUGHTER
25:49Is it hot?
25:52LAUGHTER
25:54In a hearse.
25:56I hope he gives you the right thing.
25:58LAUGHTER
26:00I'm sorry, you ordered the burritos and I gave you Aunt Nancy.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:07Is this the meat feast?
26:10LAUGHTER
26:13Next, it's no longer frowned upon to drizzle olive oil over what?
26:17Popeye!
26:19LAUGHTER
26:22That's one for the teenagers.
26:25Coworkers.
26:26Yeah.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:27No, the answer is, it's no longer frowned upon to drizzle olive oil over your hair.
26:32Finally, woman's visit to chiropractor interrupted by what?
26:37Embittered osteopath.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:43I saw this one, second coming of Christ.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:48He's got the 3.30.
26:49You've got to be out of here by 3.30.
26:50It's Christ coming in.
26:52LAUGHTER
26:52It's a cow crashing through window.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57The incident occurred at a chiropractors in America this week.
27:00The poor patient whose session was interrupted by a cow jumping through the window
27:03was in a terrible state.
27:05South Dakota.
27:07LAUGHTER
27:09So, your final scores are...
27:11Ian and Michelle have four points.
27:14Paul and Miles have got five points.
27:17APPLAUSE
27:19That's how we've done that.
27:22Right, before we go, time for the caption competition.
27:26Just one between you this week.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30Is it new, low-cost, easy jet fare?
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35Archimedes about to be proved spectacularly right.
27:39LAUGHTER
27:40First-time parachutist makes cardinal error.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:44On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Michelle Wolfe,
27:48Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
27:49I leave you with news that at a leisure centre in Pyongyang,
27:53swimmers are urged to go about their business as usual
27:55following the appointment of their new lifeguard.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:01ITV producers reveal a plan to win young viewers back by bringing Midsomer Murders bang up to date.
28:08LAUGHTER
28:11And as an ambulance finally arrives and the door swings open,
28:15the patient quickly decides he'll make his own way to the hospital.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:21Good night.
28:25APPLAUSE
28:35Friday Night Comedy with the return of the news quiz
28:38with What's Been Funny This Week.
28:40Listen now on sounds.
28:42While going for a laugh on iClair, Hugh Bonneville
28:45and the great cast of characters, watch 2026.
28:49Our next lads on a mission to make us laugh, young offenders.
28:54APPLAUSE
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