- 22 hours ago
Charlie and The Slumpbuster
Charlie is visited by a troubled woman (Kerri Kenney-Silver) he had a one-night stand with while playing in the minor leagues. Wracked with the guilt of using her as his "slumpbuster", as well proving to his daughter that he isn't shallow, he pretends to date her and realizes she acts like less of a girlfriend and more of an obsessed stalker.
Charlie is visited by a troubled woman (Kerri Kenney-Silver) he had a one-night stand with while playing in the minor leagues. Wracked with the guilt of using her as his "slumpbuster", as well proving to his daughter that he isn't shallow, he pretends to date her and realizes she acts like less of a girlfriend and more of an obsessed stalker.
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TVTranscript
00:01Okay, I'm gonna order some drinks. What can I get you?
00:03Anything blue. Or yellow.
00:07On the off chance they don't have either.
00:08Is there another primary color I can get for you?
00:11Pink.
00:12Right back.
00:15How's your day going?
00:17She would like a blue drink, or a yellow drink, or a pink drink.
00:23You want me to put it in a sippy cup?
00:26I should have known. On Facebook she said she wasn't very good at conversationing.
00:31It seems bangable, in a Megan's Law kind of a way.
00:35Hey, she's older than she looks. An axe. And is.
00:40Hey.
00:41Crap, hey, hey, hey.
00:43What are you guys doing here?
00:44Oh, we were out getting stuff to make jewelry and decided to grab something to eat.
00:48Are you on a date?
00:49Absolutely not. Just stopped in for a quick whiskey and Windex.
00:55Oh, good. Blue.
00:59Oh, you mean a date.
01:03Daytona. Daytona, this is my ex-wife Jennifer and my daughter Sam.
01:06Hi.
01:10Okay, I know I said it's a date, but it's not a, it's not a date date.
01:13It's more like two ships passing in the night and one ship is headed to Legoland.
01:19It's okay, Dad. You don't have to make excuses. You can go out with whoever you want.
01:23No, I know, I know. I just want you to know I don't normally date women like that.
01:27Yes, you do.
01:29What, what, what? How would you know?
01:32I look at your friend's house on Facebook.
01:34You let her spy on me like that?
01:36I can't help it. She changed the password and locked me out.
01:39I gotta take a class or something.
01:42It's okay, Dad. You like hotties.
01:45It's kind of superficial, but I still love you.
01:48I am not superficial. I date all kinds of women.
01:51So it's just a coincidence they're all hotties.
01:53It is a fundamental law of human nature that good-looking people are attracted to each other.
01:57I'm just a tool of evolution.
02:00This is how our species gets hotter.
02:05Okay, now that we're all here, I thought everyone should know that we have a new member joining us today.
02:10Her name is Mel and she should fit nicely with this group.
02:12Finally. It'll be nice to have a girl in the group.
02:15Hey!
02:16Patrick, why do you always take shots at Lacey?
02:19You seem to have a real resentment towards her.
02:21She's pretty. She's rich. She's spoiled.
02:23She's everything you want to be.
02:24Shut up, Ed.
02:26What Ed said.
02:29Remember, Patrick, there's nothing more unattractive than envy.
02:35I think envy's here.
02:38It must be Mel. Welcome to the group.
02:40Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find the house, and then I found it.
02:46Oh, that's it?
02:48Okay, everybody, this is Mel.
02:50Mel, this is Lacey, Nolan, Patrick, and Ed.
02:53Have a seat.
02:57Just so you know, there's no pressure to talk today.
03:00You can just observe if you'd like.
03:01No, I'd like to jump right in.
03:03I like this fella. Doesn't mess around.
03:08Okay, Mel, you have the floor.
03:10Well, it all started with this guy.
03:12Of course it did. Jerks.
03:15Lacey, I think you're coloring this with your experience.
03:18Her boyfriend cheated on her and she shot him.
03:20Nolan, when Lacey's ready to tell Mel her story, I'm sure...
03:23In the balls.
03:24And there it is.
03:26Go on, Mel.
03:27Well, I met this guy.
03:29He changed my life.
03:30He gave me hope.
03:31And now I'm beginning to think it was all based on a lie and I'm angry.
03:35Been there.
03:35Done that.
03:36Me too.
03:37Obama.
03:39I was so upset I started to doubt myself.
03:42I lost about a hundred pounds.
03:44I had tons of cosmetic surgery.
03:46I see why you're angry.
03:47You're mad at your plastic surgeon.
03:50I would sue that butcher for everything he's got.
03:53Guys, guys, guys.
03:55Can we please refrain from comments until Mel is done with her story?
03:58And Mel, try to avoid pausing between sentences.
04:02Anyway, I lived in this little town outside Beloit, Wisconsin.
04:05And Beloit had its own single-A baseball team.
04:08I know Beloit.
04:09When I was a ball player, we used to play that team.
04:12There was this place, uh, Nate's.
04:14Nate's Diner. They had killer apple pie.
04:16Oh, my God.
04:16That's so funny.
04:18I met this guy at Nate's Diner.
04:20And he was a ball player, too, from the visiting team.
04:23He told me I was the prettiest girl in the greater Beloit area,
04:26but after we made love, I never heard from him again.
04:32You know, now that I think about it,
04:35I don't think I ever played ball in Beloit.
04:39Also, I'm allergic to apples, so...
04:41That's weird.
04:43Hey, I was okay with him not calling.
04:45I still felt special that he picked me.
04:48But then last year, I heard about this superstition in baseball
04:51where if a player's in a hitting slump,
04:52he tries to break it by sleeping with the ugliest girl he can find.
04:56And that naive, small-town, big-boned girl
05:01is called a slump buster.
05:05Slump buster?
05:07Wow.
05:08This sounds like an urban legend to me.
05:10Like the Loch Ness Monster or Bigfoot.
05:14Bad analogy.
05:16Mel, have you ever considered this guy was just hot for full-figured ladies?
05:20Were you Charlie?
05:22Or was I your slump buster?
05:26Who didn't see that coming?
05:28Who didn't see that coming?
05:30Me, up until about 30 seconds ago.
05:38Okay, I do remember you.
05:40But I was just a dumb ball player back then.
05:43You didn't have to be a slump buster for me not to call you the next day.
05:47You just had to be any woman I had sex with.
05:50I told you, I don't care that you didn't call.
05:53That night changed my life.
05:55In my town, I was known as the girl who slept with Charlie Goodson.
05:58And I always thought of myself as the guy who slept with Mel.
06:03From that town.
06:06It meant everything.
06:07Out of all the girls in the pie-eating contest that night,
06:10you picked me.
06:11I hooked up with a hot baseball player.
06:14Then my cousin heard about slump busters on a sports talk show.
06:17I became the joke of the town.
06:19I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
06:21Yeah, I understand.
06:23I mean, I understand.
06:25I spent everything I had on plastic surgery,
06:28and it still didn't make me feel better about myself.
06:30But if you tell me I'm not your slump buster,
06:33I'll believe you.
06:34And I can go back home and tell everybody,
06:36screw you, I know better.
06:39Mel?
06:41Yes.
06:42You were not my slump buster.
06:44I don't believe you.
06:46I would have never done something like that just to get my batting average up.
06:49Really?
06:50Because when we were making love, I heard you say,
06:52I better make the Hall of Fame for this.
06:55This?
06:56The Hall of Fame of sex?
06:59I met with all the positions and the stuff.
07:02It was one for the ages.
07:04You just laid there.
07:06I was in...
07:08Look, look.
07:10Mel, I didn't sleep with you because you were unattractive.
07:14I slept with you because you were drunk and easy and you smelled like pie.
07:21You're just trying to sweet talk your way out of this.
07:24If I were, I wouldn't be offering to have dinner with you.
07:27Really?
07:28Yes.
07:29Then when you go home, you can be the girl who had dinner with Charlie Goodson.
07:32Where will you take me?
07:33I could take you anywhere.
07:36But I want this to be special.
07:38I'm gonna make dinner for you as a guest in my home.
07:41You'd really do that?
07:42I'd love to.
07:43I'm a great cook.
07:44Is there anything you can't eat?
07:46No.
07:47I'm fine with pretty much everything.
07:49Well, all I can make is spaghetti.
07:50Ooh, okay.
07:51I'll bring my EpiPen.
07:53You may have to jam it in my thigh.
07:57Until tonight.
08:04It's funny watching you try to cook.
08:08Look, if you're just gonna stand there drinking beer and criticizing me,
08:10could you at least take off your top?
08:13I've seen you handle cutlery.
08:14If I take out the girls, you'll chop off a finger.
08:19Just do me a favor and set the table.
08:21Toss me that box of spaghetti.
08:24Besides being a culinary show-off, why are you doing this?
08:27Because I feel bad.
08:28I want to make amends for making her think that she was my slump buster.
08:31But she was, right?
08:33Well, yeah.
08:34I could never tell her that.
08:35It would only confirm her worst feelings about herself.
08:39So, what's the plan here?
08:40Well, I'm gonna cook her a nice dinner.
08:41And that way, when she goes home tomorrow, she'll know that I didn't use her.
08:45But you did.
08:46Of course.
08:48She's the reason I got to the majors.
08:50And had that bout of night terrors.
08:55You know what? I don't even know how to make spaghetti.
08:57Just read the instructions.
08:58There are no instructions on spaghetti.
09:01It's like doorknobs.
09:03You're supposed to know what to do.
09:05No, I think you're crazy.
09:07Okay, this woman has had a fantasy relationship with you for the past 16 years.
09:11Now she's tracked you down, exposed you in front of your patients.
09:14And you're so busy trying to be a better guy that you are cooking dinner for a stalker.
09:19She's not a stalker.
09:21She's just a woman with pathologically low self-esteem, obsessive fixations, and a tendency toward grandiose delusions.
09:28Let's put the knives away.
09:32Maybe you should call it off.
09:34And piss off my stalker now.
09:37I'm just going to get through this dinner as quickly as possible.
09:40Oh, look. I found the directions.
09:43Put pasta in boiling water.
09:45For best results, prepare while staring at boobs.
09:49I'm going to need you to stand right there.
09:57So after the lipo, the next surgery I had was the lap band.
10:01And the first meal after that was a real mess.
10:04They tell you just to have jello, but I had catfish jambalaya.
10:09I never knew how far vomit could go.
10:11If I hadn't been in a crowded elevator, I think I would have broken some kind of record.
10:17Wow, that's like three awesome surgery stories in a row.
10:22Listen, if you're watching your weight, I can help you with that spaghetti.
10:24Oh, no. I'm just making it last.
10:27I fantasized about this date for so long.
10:29The food, the candlelight, the conversation.
10:33Did I tell you they took off my nipples?
10:37Uh, no.
10:38They, they, they put them back on, right?
10:41Are you flirting with me, Mr. Goodson?
10:45No, I just want to make sure you got what you paid for.
10:49Let me help you with that spaghetti.
10:55We're getting a trap! We're getting a trap!
11:09Hey, hey, hey!
11:10Hey!
11:10What are you guys doing here?
11:11Sam left your backpack.
11:13What, are you on a date?
11:14I don't think it's a date, Mom.
11:17She looks like a regular person.
11:19Wait, what's that supposed to mean?
11:20I go out with regular people, too.
11:21So this is a date?
11:23Yes.
11:23A date date?
11:25Yes, yes.
11:27Wow.
11:28Dad, I'm so proud of you.
11:29Well, thank you.
11:31Thank you very much.
11:32Can we meet her?
11:33Well, you know, it's our first time together, and you understand, right, Jen?
11:36I know.
11:36I'd like to meet her.
11:37Come on, Sam.
11:39Guys, this is Mel.
11:41Mel.
11:42This is my ex-wife, Jen, and my daughter, Sam.
11:45Just so you know, Mel, you're dating a great guy.
11:48Dating?
11:49Did your dad tell you that?
11:51Yeah.
11:51Right, Dad?
11:52Yeah, I did.
11:53Wow.
11:54I'm just so excited.
11:57I know.
11:58Me, too.
11:59Let's never lose this.
12:01Hey, Mom, can I invite them to come over and make jewelry with us tomorrow night?
12:05No, no, no.
12:06We wouldn't want to lose on your special night.
12:08Oh, no, I insist.
12:08Of course you do.
12:10I can't wait to learn all about what this is.
12:14I love making jewelry.
12:16I made tiaras for all my cats.
12:19This is going to be so much fun.
12:22I'm so excited I'm going to bust.
12:24I just got to go use the little girls' room.
12:27You know, to fix my face.
12:33Nobody?
12:36Good for you.
12:41Look, before we begin, I want to talk about what happened yesterday.
12:45You all witnessed what we in therapy call a train wreck.
12:51Now, I don't want this to distract us.
12:52We're just going to keep moving forward.
12:54I have something important about my life I'd like to discuss.
12:56Thank you. Lacey.
12:59How am I supposed to work through my issues with men being dicks while women are showing up in this
13:03group as a result of your past dickness?
13:07Look, like all of you, I've made mistakes.
13:10And unfortunately, yesterday, one of those mistakes reared its ugly head.
13:13Now, when I say ugly head, I'm using the term as a metaphor and not a description for that young
13:16lady.
13:18And her ugly head.
13:20So how did you deal with it?
13:22I talked to her and we're working on building her self-esteem.
13:25Really? Because it says on Facebook that you're dating her.
13:28It's radical self-esteem therapy. You guys wouldn't understand.
13:33But you're dating your stalker?
13:35See? Other people make it work.
13:39How could you be my stalker if I'm dating her?
13:41I mean, come on, think about it. Does it make sense? Does it? No? Of course not. Moving on.
13:45Her status update says she's making jewelry with you tonight and she's hoping for a ring, smile, winky face.
13:54Oh, God.
13:55All right, all right, look, look.
13:58The lesson here, and there are many lessons,
14:02but the headline lesson is whatever you do, never use a slump buster.
14:08I realize this doesn't apply to everybody.
14:11But for the love of God.
14:14Just don't.
14:18So, Mel, you never told us how you met my dad.
14:21Ooh, this is my favorite story.
14:22Oh, let me tell. You always get to tell.
14:25Okay.
14:26It's really magical. It's like out of a movie.
14:30We met at a diner, and she was eating a pie.
14:34Would you pass the red beads, please?
14:37Don't be shy.
14:39It was 16 years ago.
14:41I was in a pie-eating contest, and your daddy was the prize.
14:45Wait, 16 years ago? That doesn't make sense.
14:47My parents were still married.
14:48Yes, we were.
14:49Which is why Mel and I could only be friends.
14:52But we had a connection that lasted all these years.
14:56And now, the universe has brought her back to me.
15:02Because ours is a relationship that knows no constraints of time nor space.
15:10That was the beads.
15:12They're ready to come out of the oven.
15:13Mel, can you help me?
15:15You know, Charlie, the whole time you've been here,
15:18I haven't seen you hold Mel's hand or give her a kiss or anything.
15:23Well, you know how new couples are.
15:24We don't want to gross you out.
15:27She's going to the kitchen.
15:29Can you handle that much time and space?
15:32I know I can't.
15:41You taste like home.
15:44You taste like spaghetti.
15:47It's the garlic. I sweat it.
15:49And you are making me sweat.
15:54Hey, you guys, stay right where you are.
15:56I want to get a picture of two of you so I can post it on...
16:00everything.
16:06You better get into the kitchen.
16:07I think somebody's beads are burning.
16:09They are now.
16:10No.
16:14What the hell are you doing?
16:16What the hell are you doing?
16:17Look, I'm in trouble, okay?
16:18Mel was a slump buster from Beloit and now she thinks we're dating.
16:21I mean, it's a long story.
16:22Actually, that's the entire story.
16:25I knew it.
16:26You're using that woman to make your daughter think you're not superficial.
16:28I know.
16:30I just need you to help me through the next hour.
16:32Get her back to the hotel, put her on a flight tomorrow,
16:34and this whole thing will be over.
16:36She's happy.
16:37Sam's happy.
16:38And you and I will have a fun little secret.
16:40Like at our honeymoon when you let me...
16:42That never happened.
16:48I'm so sorry, Charlie.
16:49I feel so bad.
16:51My tongue swells when I have an allergic reaction.
16:54I completely forgot Peanut M&M have peanuts.
16:58Shouldn't I get you to an ER or something?
17:00No, no.
17:00I just left my EpiPen in the kitchen.
17:03Okay, but hurry.
17:04We gotta get you back to the hotel.
17:07Hey, it looks like Jen already got that photo uploaded.
17:10Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, Flickr,
17:13and the website of the American Psychological Association.
17:17Hey, Charlie, I found it.
17:20Can you come stick it in me?
17:29Hey, Charlie.
17:32Hey, wait a minute.
17:33You weren't having an allergic reaction.
17:34You were...
17:37Oh.
17:39They do good work in Wisconsin.
17:45Ooh, I'm a sexy ghost.
17:47Boo.
17:49That's not why I'm doing this.
17:52This can't happen.
17:53Of course it can.
17:55Oh, do you need to take a pill or something?
17:58No.
17:59No, I...
18:00I'm very sorry.
18:02I just thought we had a great night once
18:05and that this could be the start of something bigger and more beautiful.
18:09Well...
18:10You just made the next thing I'm about to say very difficult.
18:15We're not really dating, are we?
18:18No.
18:20I was your slump buster, wasn't I?
18:27Yes.
18:30You know, I am very, very sorry.
18:33Why didn't you just tell me?
18:36I didn't want you to think that way about yourself
18:38because that's not how I think of you.
18:40To me, you'll always be that pie-eating champion
18:42who could raise a naked man clean over her head.
18:46I don't believe this.
18:48I spent all this time and money making my body look like this.
18:51And you still don't want to make love to me.
18:54That would have been wrong.
18:56That's the old me.
19:00What am I going to do?
19:02Look at me.
19:03I'm too hot to even be a slump buster.
19:06No, you're not.
19:08Okay, I can't win that one.
19:12Look, you are still the same, confident, amazing person you were
19:16when you thought you were just a hot one-night stand.
19:20Bet I could still lift you over my head.
19:22Yes.
19:24Yes, that's the confidence that's in you no matter what I did.
19:27That's not just some nibble you can take off and put back on.
19:29That's forever.
19:39Hey, you ready?
19:41Oh, softball time, right.
19:43Yes, I am ready to go.
19:44Sam, you wearing your cup?
19:46Are we going to do this every single time?
19:48You can just say you wanted a boy.
19:50Actually, I wanted a dog.
19:52But the landlord wanted a $100 deposit, so here you are.
19:57Could you give Sam and I a minute?
19:58I want to clear up a few things about Mel.
20:00Oh, it's okay, Dad. Mom already told me.
20:02She did?
20:03Yeah.
20:03How you wanted a deeper, more meaningful relationship,
20:06and Mel just wanted to sleep with you.
20:12How many times it's going to happen to me?
20:17It's okay, Dad.
20:18Well, come on. I'm going to be late.
20:20That's my boy.
20:25Wow.
20:26It was amazing.
20:27You're welcome.
20:29You know, you make a much better ex-wife than you ever did a wife.
20:33I figured you got the message.
20:35I did.
20:35Hey, can you do me another favor?
20:37What?
20:38I need you to take Sam for the weekend.
20:39Why? Where are you going?
20:41Beloit.
20:42I'm going to walk up and down every street holding hands with Mel
20:44for all of her friends to see.
20:46After everything you did, that's all she wants from you?
20:49Small town, small victories.
20:52Hmm.
20:53By the way, you can also thank me for being so cool.
20:56That's the first woman I met that you slept with while you were on the road.
20:59Hey, I slept with her for us.
21:02That was to break my slump so we could make the big leagues.
21:04Really?
21:06What about that girl Diane from San Diego?
21:10Oh, that was for me.
21:12A little bit for Diane.
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