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00:26The End
00:34Just to be safe, it might be a good time to update your will
00:40I, Dilbert, being of sound mind and sound body
00:43I can't sign this. My body isn't sound
00:47Typo
00:50Sound mind and round body
00:52It's just a cold, and I'm this close to finding the cure
00:55Look, I've already isolated the virus
00:57You mean bacteria?
01:00That's a common misconception
01:01Colds are caused by viruses
01:03Bacteria are microorganisms that contain no chlorophyll and multiply by simple division
01:09While viruses are parasitic polynucleotides surrounded by a layer of protein
01:14Which are unable to reproduce without invading a host cell
01:17Well, you got a big ol' brain on ya
01:20This microscopic nuclear-powered intravenous probe seeks out the cold virus
01:24And destroys it with a highly focused sonic blast
01:34Okay, I don't usually like to do this, but I feel sorry for you on so many levels
01:38Here, this will cure you immediately
01:41Really? What is it?
01:42A placebo
01:43A placebo
01:44A placebo?
01:45Now that you told me it's a placebo, it's not gonna work
01:48It will if you think it will
01:49But I already know it's a placebo
01:51Maybe it isn't
01:52You just said it was
01:56That's precisely the power of the placebo
01:58No thanks, I'll try my method
02:12Alright, give me the pill
02:13A placebo
02:17A placebo
02:17A placebo
02:30A placebo
02:32A placebo
02:34A placebo
02:34A placebo
02:35A RICH
02:37A placebo
02:37A happy
02:43G Так
02:50Jack
02:51Death!
03:24So, according to the market research, the people most likely to buy our Gruntmaster 6000 product are the same group
03:31who are most likely to buy UFO abduction insurance.
03:34Maybe we could package them.
03:39Alice, you're sick. Go home.
03:42I'm not sick. You're sick.
03:43No, I was sick. Now I'm fine.
03:47Oh, good for you.
03:51Ugh. It's your fault. You gave it to me.
03:53Yeah, well, you gave it to me before that.
03:55Well, you gave it to me before that.
03:56Well, you gave it to me. You know, we've been passing the same cold back and forth for seven years.
04:01Well, you started it.
04:03It's these cubicles. This wouldn't happen if we all had offices with doors. Or at least if I did.
04:09Can I have your sick days?
04:10Are you coming down with something?
04:12No, but why waste a sick day when you're sick?
04:14Because you're sick?
04:15Well, I'd rather be sick at the office. They have soup and tea and nobody bugs me.
04:20Besides, I'm saving up sick days. I've got nearly, uh, 12,000. One day I'll have enough to call in
04:27sick until I retire.
04:28I'll trade you one of my sick days for a carton of sticky notes.
04:31It'll appear on your desk tomorrow.
04:33I'll give you my sick day for a box of binder clips and some tape.
04:36Done and done.
04:41If I had my own office, I would just lock the door during cold season and never come out.
04:45What about going to the bathroom?
04:48You know what I mean.
04:49No, I doubt.
04:50What's the difference? You'll never have an office in this company. Or any other. Ever. You're an engineer.
04:56I can still dream.
05:12Look at this. It's a minefield of germs.
05:37Alice, drink this.
05:41Come on!
05:43Come on!
05:47Come on!
06:49...dropped dead from some sort of mysterious illness.
06:51The heartier folks have just turned into hideous mutants.
06:55We don't know what's causing it.
06:58But we have some hunches.
07:02Funny.
07:03Be that as it may, the names of these valiant employees who died for some reason that cannot be conclusively
07:11linked to workplace hazards have been engraved on the marble wall you see behind us.
07:18Their sacrifice is an inspiration to us all, not to mention a cost savings that goes directly to the bottom
07:25line.
07:30Question? Yes, loud Howard.
07:33I... I...
07:37I've lost my voice.
07:39Funny.
07:40Hey, God.
07:41Sorry, son. I couldn't hear you.
07:45Oh, me.
07:46At this time, it gives me great pleasure to do this.
07:52It also gives me great pleasure to introduce the owner of Dogbert's private environmental protection agency.
07:59Him.
08:04My research indicates that there are abnormal levels of insect fecal matter present throughout this building.
08:11And as the black light reveals, even in this very room...
08:19The highest concentrations of insect fecal matter were found to be present on WALL-E.
08:29Gross.
08:33I can't see.
08:34Get away from me.
08:35Take a shower.
08:36You're disgusting.
08:37It's not my fault that flies like me.
08:39So the insect fecal matter is making us sick?
08:42No, but I thought it was an interesting side note.
08:44Unfortunately, this building, like everything that's ever existed in the history of the universe, is dying.
08:50We're doing what we can to make its last hours comfortable.
09:02Clear!
09:08I have two recommendations.
09:10Either which I can feel more strongly about based purely on the size of my fee.
09:15One is to keep the building on life support indefinitely and watch more people mutate and die.
09:20What if I just pretend to watch?
09:22What's the other choice?
09:24To build a brand new, incredibly over-budgeted, ill-conceived headquarters.
09:28Excuse me while I weigh those very, uh, weighty choices.
09:37Does anyone know what heads means?
09:42Excuse me, can I see you?
09:44Can't you?
09:45Have I become invisible?
09:46No.
09:47Whew!
09:47You had me scared for a minute there.
09:50I don't understand.
09:52Every day I water this silk tree, but it hasn't grown an inch.
09:56It's not a tree that grows silk.
09:57It's made out of silk.
10:00Probably needs more light.
10:01Yeah.
10:02Try that.
10:03Uh, by the way, what with the recent outbreak of disease here, I think you made the right decision to
10:08build a new headquarters.
10:10That's not why we're moving.
10:12Get over yourself.
10:13There's a much bigger issue at stake here.
10:16There is?
10:16Yes, of course.
10:18This building is a rectangle.
10:20Almost square, but not quite.
10:23Do you know what I mean?
10:24Rarely.
10:24I've always wanted to work in a building shaped like an isosceles triangle.
10:30An isosceles triangle.
10:31You think I'm mad, don't you, Dilbert?
10:34No.
10:35You think I'm stupid?
10:36No.
10:37Lazy?
10:37No.
10:38Fat?
10:38Well, I wish I'd married you instead of the hag in my house.
10:42I was thinking, you're gonna need somebody to oversee the design and organize the move.
10:48Someone with first-rate engineering skills?
10:53An aptitude for problem solving?
10:57Way above average intelligence?
11:00No, I think we should use someone who works at this company.
11:04Well, I'd like to volunteer.
11:06All I ask in return is for first dibs on any extra offices with doors.
11:11Oh, I see your hidden agenda now.
11:15You're the master of the obvious.
11:17Well, no need to flatter me.
11:19You've got the job.
11:22And they said no engineer could have his own office.
11:30I think this would be a great site for the new headquarters.
11:34Let's visit site number two.
11:46Okay.
11:47Let's visit site number three.
11:50Okay.
11:50Let's visit site number three.
12:04So, I think the choice is pretty obvious.
12:06Right.
12:07We build on the cliffside.
12:09Wait, wait.
12:10What about the meadow?
12:11If you wanted the meadow, why did you make such a convincing case for the cliffs?
12:15But the meadow is so picturesque, so peaceful.
12:17It's perfect.
12:19Alice, tell him.
12:23Uh-huh.
12:24Wally, help me out here.
12:27Uh, the meadow's only five minutes from your house.
12:31Well, I suppose we could build a cliff in the meadow.
12:36Get the best of both worlds.
12:37Or we could just wait a week and you'll forget about the cliff.
12:40Will that work?
12:41Usually.
12:42Well, in that case, why wait?
12:44The meadow it is.
12:44And put your office smack dab next to mine.
12:57I think it's a nice building.
13:01I think it's much less than the old one.
13:03Will there be an elevator?
13:05How does that work?
13:06I don't know.
13:06I don't know.
13:07Now, I sometimes get to work early.
13:09Ahem.
13:10As you can see, each floor will be portioned into pie-shaped divisions,
13:14so that at the center of the pie, where all the divisions converge,
13:18employees will engage in valuable knowledge transfer.
13:22Must stay awake.
13:26Managers will have private offices, as will one cunning engineer.
13:30Now, any questions?
13:33I'm sorry, I don't speak fly.
13:36Anyone else?
13:37Anybody?
13:38What will be the parking situation at the new headquarters?
13:41Good question.
13:42We will have a state-of-the-art underground parking structure.
13:46I'll be needing extra headroom.
13:50How about it?
13:51Give it up for the Dill Man.
13:57Hold my calls.
13:59Hey, Dilly.
14:00Jimbo Frankie and I are thinking about taking a ball game tonight.
14:03Afterwards, we're going out for pizza, some beers, maybe play a little darts.
14:06What do you say?
14:07Who are you?
14:08Very funny.
14:10I'm your old pal Tony from sales.
14:12I know we've never spoken before, but I love your take on the new headquarters.
14:16Brilliant.
14:17Stroke a genius, really.
14:18I'm going to need some extra steps on the staircase, you know, because of the legs.
14:22Extra half steps on the stairs for multipods.
14:25I'll see what I can do.
14:26And don't put me next to the boss.
14:29Hey, Dill.
14:30Greg from marketing.
14:32We've never met.
14:33Would never like each other in normal life.
14:34And yet, since I've become reptilian, I feel we have an unspoken bond.
14:38Go on.
14:39What with the scales and what have you, I'll be needing a sink with scalding hot water to
14:42clean myself.
14:43Okay.
14:44Hey, special scalding hot water valve for reptilian employees.
14:48I'll try.
14:49Oh, don't put me next to the boss.
14:53Hey, Dilby.
14:55Now that I'm an exoskeleton, I'll need a separate thermostat so I can keep the temperature in
14:59my cubicle at 94 degrees Fahrenheit.
15:01Otherwise, I'll die.
15:03Special heating ducts for the skinless.
15:05I can't promise anything, but...
15:06Okay, I understand.
15:08I'm not afraid of expiring.
15:10But just don't put me next to the boss.
15:12Got it.
15:28Hey, watch it.
15:30Sorry.
15:31We need to talk.
15:33Right, right.
15:33You know, there's a suggestion box on the fourth floor.
15:36How am I supposed to use a suggestion box?
15:39Maybe you could just hang around the suggestion box and yell your ideas at people who want to
15:43walk by.
15:43Okay.
15:44But I'm going to need special pulleys and slides to get around the office and between
15:47floors.
15:48And a customized keyboard.
15:50And, uh, lower toilets.
15:52Much lower.
15:53Okay, I'll check into it.
15:55And I will suck you into my ectoplasm if you put me next to the boss.
16:00Uh, I'm going to need more leg room.
16:02Yeah, well, I need deep watering.
16:03I have gilza.
16:03You have to be in water.
16:04I'm also deciduous.
16:06I need a butt-rubbing tree.
16:08Butt-rubbing tree.
16:09Got it.
16:10Keep them away from me.
16:11Okay.
16:12I can put the swamp here.
16:14A butt-rubbing tree over here.
16:15Lower these toilets.
16:17All this just to get your own office.
16:20It's worth it.
16:21Do you really believe that all this is happening because of sick building syndrome?
16:25I have no reason not to believe it.
16:27What if it's all in their minds?
16:29Everything is in our minds.
16:30But when it causes us to grow an extra leg, I think we need to take it seriously.
16:34Okay, okay.
16:35On a lighter note, I have a coupon for a free fecal wash.
16:38No thanks.
16:39On the house.
16:40On the house?
16:41Okay.
16:49Wally, you got your stuff packed?
16:50It's time to go.
16:51I'm not going anywhere, Dilba.
16:53You okay?
16:54Do flies catch cold or do they just drop dead?
16:57Are you going to use one of your sick days?
16:58No way.
17:00I've banked 14 years worth of sick days.
17:03It's time to cash them in and retire early.
17:06Uh, Wally?
17:08I hate to do this, but I think this might be a good time to tell you something.
17:12Sick days don't accumulate, they expire.
17:16And you can't trade sick days with other people.
17:19We've been using you to steal office supplies for us for years.
17:22It's easier than ordering from the catalog.
17:30I guess it was kind of cruel in retrospect.
17:34Uh, Dilbert?
17:37Yes?
17:38My nose.
17:39It itches.
17:41Try not to think about it.
17:43Otherwise, your whole body will start itching.
17:55Ah, moving day.
17:57Exciting, isn't it?
17:58You know, if this works out, maybe we'll do it every year.
18:00What, move?
18:01That's insane.
18:02You've got to learn to think outside the box, Dilbert.
18:05So, who's going to be in the office next to me where all the action happens?
18:09The nerve center?
18:11You've got the whole floor to yourself.
18:13Excellent.
18:14By the way, I forgot to tell you, I need to make a few minor alterations to the building.
18:18Alterations?
18:19Teeny tiny, nothing with nothing.
18:20But...
18:21Poquito, so far?
18:22Like what?
18:23Well, remember that whole thing about the isosceles triangle?
18:26I had it all wrong.
18:27I meant a trapezoid.
18:28But it's already been built.
18:30You're in charge.
18:30Make it happen.
18:32Check back with me in a week.
18:33That's the spirit.
18:35That's the end of that.
18:36That's the end of that.
19:06The end of that isosceles triangle.
19:14Dilbert, I must say, I'm very impressed with the way the new headquarters has turned out.
19:21It's so shiny and big and white.
19:25And these portals, you can actually see through them.
19:30It's a miracle.
19:31You mean the windows?
19:32Yes.
19:33And those magical moving stairs.
19:36I mean, where do they all go?
19:38Anyway, you've done a bang-up job.
19:40It's so perfect.
19:43It's so perfect.
19:46Too bad we can't afford to stay here.
19:48What?
19:48I just saw the rent allocation budget.
19:51Too rich for our blood.
19:51We'll have to lease it out to a more profitable company.
19:53But, but...
19:54By the way, where's the cliff?
19:55Yeah.
20:15I just saw the righte.
20:24I don't know.
20:25It's so appropriate.
20:51Alice, you look a lot...
20:52I was never sick.
20:54Yeah, that's what I meant to say.
20:59Luckily, everyone seems to be developing an immunity to the toxic environment.
21:03I guess as a species, ultimately, we can adapt to anything.
21:07Yay for us.
21:09Everybody, I'd like to personally welcome you all back to the new, healthier, old headquarters.
21:16How is it healthier?
21:17Well, for one thing, we've added warning signs.
21:29Hey, everybody.
21:31I'm back to my old self.
21:33Too bad.
21:35Secondly, we've stocked the first aid kits with these new wonder drugs.
21:39Placebos.
21:42See you next time.
21:44I'll be right back.
21:46Bye.
21:49Bye.
21:54Bye.
21:59Bye.
22:05Bye.
22:10Bye.
22:11Bye.
22:11You
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