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TVTranscript
00:30Excuse me. Can I get in?
00:34You've got to start driving with more attitude.
00:37Attitude? I've got attitude to spare.
00:40Please don't hurt me is not attitude. It's an invitation to get capped.
00:44Why don't you use the whatchamacallit?
00:47That's only for use in dire emergencies, like when I'm rushing my future wife to the hospital to give birth.
00:52So, in other words, never.
00:54Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time?
00:56Who arbitrarily decided that 8 a.m. was a good time for everyone to go to work?
01:01There would be no rush hour if there was no rush.
01:03You have no understanding of human nature.
01:05If people weren't forced to come to work at a certain time, they wouldn't come at all.
01:09You have no faith in humanity. People are basically good.
01:13No! No! Help! Help me!
01:17What should we do?
01:18Close the windows. I'll turn on the radio.
01:20Just don't change any of my presets.
01:22Oh, heaven forbid.
01:24All music, all the time.
01:26More music, and much less talk.
01:29We're the all music station.
01:31Except for right now, which is a fluke more than anything.
01:33This is a nightmare.
01:36And in business news...
01:38Ah, finally.
01:39Stocks are way up again today, as every idiot with a telephone is dumping his lunch money into the market.
01:44That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.
01:48They won't have it long.
01:49The only people who make money in the stock market are the ones who manipulate the stock prices behind the
01:53scenes.
01:54Or the ones who write books about investing.
01:56They're the worst.
02:02Great. Now traffic has completely stopped.
02:40This is insane.
02:41You know, this would be a perfect time to field test this thing.
02:48Okay, but just once, to see if it works.
02:53On my mark.
02:54Three, two, one.
03:08Nice shooting.
03:10Somehow I just don't feel right about that.
03:12Just drive.
03:14Get a book to write.
03:15Good night.
04:25Wally, I... Hold it.
04:27Oh, hello, Dilbert.
04:28Hello, Dilbert. Nothing. Were you just reading a book?
04:30Are you bonkers? What makes you think that?
04:32My own eyes.
04:33Hardly a reliable source.
04:34I just saw you.
04:35You did not.
04:36Then what is this?
04:37Oh, that. That is not a book. It's a way of life.
04:41Get rich or get out of my way, investing dog bird style.
04:45It's full of investment tips that no one ever thought of before.
04:48I've done the first exercise, and already I'm a millionaire on paper.
04:51What was the exercise?
04:53You write down on a piece of paper, I, Wally, am a millionaire.
04:56Millionaire has two L's, like your name.
04:59Which, oddly enough, you also spelled wrong.
05:02Uh, that's my nickname.
05:04Wally with one L.
05:05Who calls you that?
05:06Most people. They just don't realize it.
05:08And now you're going to apply your special brand of genius to the stock market?
05:12The time to strike is nigh.
05:15Are you in?
05:16Did you say nigh?
05:17It's a word.
05:18How about if I just watch in stunned silence for the first round?
05:23Welcome to Dog Bird's More Than Full Price Brokers,
05:25where your dreams turn into large transaction fees overnight.
05:32Okay, let's see.
05:33Invest in the company where you work only if you have actual knowledge of what's going on inside the company.
05:40Insider trading is illegal.
05:42You could go to jail.
05:43Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.
05:48Well, that has alibi written all over it.
05:50Are you in?
05:52Okay, I'm in.
05:53Excellent.
05:54Now, uh, what's the name of the company we work for?
05:57This week?
05:58Hmm.
05:59We were called Pathway Electronics.
06:01Then we merged with E-Tech Management.
06:04Now I guess we're Pathetech Management.
06:07All right.
06:08Turn on the financial channel and get ready to score.
06:12As I said, weakness in the Japanese yen, the Swiss franc, and the Russian, uh, snot rag
06:18are all bad news for poorly managed multinational companies.
06:22We're a poorly managed multinational company.
06:24As soon as he said that, our stock went down.
06:27Join me in ten minutes when I explain why poorly managed multinational companies are a great bargain.
06:32We're back up.
06:33I'm seeing a pattern here.
06:35The stock plummets on bad news, which ironically is the best time to buy, and the stock soars
06:40on good news, which is obviously the time to sell.
06:43It's go time.
06:45Major lawsuits over product liability.
06:48Buy.
06:48The company announced more layoffs to cut costs.
06:51Sell.
06:52Alleged accounting irregularities.
06:54Buy.
06:55Double or nothing.
06:56New product announced that will compete in the Vaporware Arena.
07:00Sell.
07:01Woo.
07:01Hey.
07:02Oh.
07:03That was exciting.
07:05Well, back to work.
07:06Back to work?
07:07We're on a hot streak.
07:08Yes, and if we keep going, we'll be on a cold streak.
07:11Let's leave it at that.
07:13Wuss.
07:14You can't get out now.
07:16You're in too deep.
07:16There's no turning back.
07:18It's all in the book.
07:19That book is worthless.
07:21We're going to be ruined.
07:22And now, investment guru, Dog Bird.
07:25Shh.
07:25Quiet.
07:25It's him.
07:26Hello.
07:27The Chinese have a word for crisis.
07:29It's made up of two characters, danger and opportunity.
07:33Although this has nothing to do with anything, I enjoy mentioning it.
07:36What should we do now?
07:38Now?
07:38Now is definitely the time to buy.
07:40I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is low.
07:43Have I ever lied to you?
07:44About a thousand times.
07:45You don't have to throw it in my face.
07:47Sorry.
07:47I'll take care of the stock price.
07:49Excuse me a minute.
08:03You were caught in a jungle voodoo orgy with a cast of Deep Space Nine?
08:08No!
08:09Well, yes.
08:11Samuel, serve the poison.
08:13Must I?
08:14Yes.
08:19Wow.
08:20He really earns his commissions.
08:22The stock is so cheap now, we can buy a controlling interest in our own company.
08:25Let's do it.
08:26Wait.
08:27I...
08:27What?
08:28Are we ready for the responsibility that comes with owning the company?
08:32Uh...
08:33I'll say no.
08:34This is serious.
08:35We will inherit a moral obligation.
08:37To the other stockholders, yes.
08:38But more importantly, to society at large.
08:41Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?
08:43All I'm saying is...
08:44Look, Mahatma, we're not trying to change the world here.
08:47We're trying to make some quick cash in the market.
08:48And considering it's 11.30 and we started at 9, I'd say we're doing pretty good.
08:52But we could change things.
08:54Change them for the better.
08:55I've always felt if I had an opportunity to run things, I would be a kind and benevolent boss.
09:01Employees would be free to come and go as they please.
09:03To choose hours that fit their lifestyles.
09:06In a word, flex time.
09:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:09Flex time, schmex time.
09:10Great idea.
09:10Yeah, I love it.
09:11Can we just execute the buy already?
09:14Wally, look at me and tell me we're going to do the right thing.
09:17I will tell you we're doing the right thing, but I will not look at you.
09:20Wally, you do whatever you want.
09:22Me?
09:22I'm cashing out.
09:23You plan to retire?
09:25Retire?
09:25From what?
09:26I don't do anything now except surf the net.
09:28Why should I pay for that?
09:30Besides, I really like the coffee here.
09:32Fellas, tick, tick, tick.
09:35Carpe diem, Dilbert.
09:36Seize the day.
09:37What?
09:37Carpe diem.
09:38I think that's a fish.
09:39Boys.
09:40Okay.
09:41Okay.
09:42Good.
09:43You two now own 51% of the company.
09:45Yeah, but the stock's not worth anything.
09:47I'll be right back.
09:51Hello, I'm Dogbert, and welcome to Shams, Scams, and Flim Flams in Review.
09:56Today, our roundtable of financial experts include Vlad Corfu, financial planner for the
10:02firm of Draymond, Hal, and Corfu.
10:04Welcome.
10:04My next guest is a pension fund manager for Pogrom Investments, Traylor Barone.
10:11Our next guest runs her own investment firm, Hey It's Me Investments, Esther Bester.
10:17And my final guest is a bear from the circus, formerly from the woods.
10:21Do you have a name?
10:21They call me Brownie.
10:23Okay, let's talk about the market.
10:24What market?
10:25The stock market.
10:27Oh!
10:28You had me worried there.
10:30Thought you meant the white slave market.
10:32Of which I know nothing.
10:33Does anybody care that I'm a bear?
10:35I'm not thrilled.
10:36If we could, people.
10:37Let's talk about the swirling rumors surrounding a supposed takeover of Pathetic Management Incorporated.
10:42Has anyone heard that rumor?
10:44I heard a rumor that everyone in that company's gay.
10:46Or at least bisexual.
10:47I heard they kidnap little children and drink their blood from little plastic cups that they
10:51make themselves from detergent bottles.
10:53Anybody hear anything about the takeover?
10:55Why are you looking at me?
10:56I'm a bear.
10:57He's just looking.
10:58I swear to God, I'll come over there and one swipe with my claw and you will not have
11:03a face, my friend.
11:04Okay?
11:04I have a poison dart gun.
11:06You won't know what hit you.
11:07You won't be able to reload it fast enough before I rip you in half.
11:10If I go down, I'll take the rest of you with me.
11:12Okay, that's it.
11:13What about the takeover rumors, people?
11:14That's what?
11:15I don't need this.
11:16Yeah?
11:16Do you need a hideous scar across your entire body?
11:19Listen, Buster, I'm the owner of Hey It's Me Investments.
11:21You keep messing with me and it's going to be called Hey It Was You.
11:25You hear me?
11:25You hear me?
11:26Okay.
11:27You take that back.
11:28Hey, girl, look at me.
11:30Oh, God, he's the guy.
11:31I believe we have a consensus.
11:34Follow Dogbert's advice.
11:36Follow Dogbert's advice.
11:38Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow Dogbert's advice.
11:42We're off to spend the money.
11:45Alice, we have a controlling interest in the company.
11:48We're both billionaires.
11:49You'll be corrupted like the rest.
11:50Money is the root of all evil.
11:52It eats you from the inside out until you die a slow and lonely death.
11:57I'll give you a billion dollars in stock if you'll shut up.
12:01Deal.
12:06Whatever you two did, it boosted the stock to record highs.
12:10You've made the rich richer and given the share to the small investors who bailed out too soon.
12:16Very evil.
12:16Good work.
12:16Thanks, evil.
12:18Oh, by the way, there's a board meeting in half an hour.
12:20As the company's major stockholders, it might be a good idea to make an appearance for appearance sake.
12:25Will there be food?
12:26Food?
12:27Do the finest donuts in the building sound like food to you?
12:31Ambrosia from the gods?
12:32Dilbert, we've arrived.
12:43Hey, Dilbert, do I have anything here?
12:45That's the only spot you don't have anything.
12:48Don't you want to earn these people's respect?
12:50We are these people, so we only have to earn our own respect.
12:54Do you respect me?
12:55No.
12:56Do you respect yourself?
12:57No.
12:58Do you respect me?
12:59Are you kidding?
13:00Do you respect yourself?
13:02Not really.
13:04All right.
13:05Let's just be quiet.
13:06Gentlemen, gentlemen, let's get things started.
13:08I know we all want to get back to more pressing matters.
13:11Now, the first item on the agenda is to welcome our newest board members and, as of this morning,
13:16actual majority owners of the company, Dilbert and Wally.
13:20I just wanted to say...
13:21Woo!
13:22Nice ship, Harry.
13:24Thanks, Roy.
13:24Mind if I play through?
13:25Go right ahead.
13:42I just wanted to say it's an honor to stand among such an esteemed and august, uh, group,
13:51and I hope Wally and I...
13:53Hey, what's your handicap?
13:54He doesn't know when to shut up.
13:58Oh, you two are going to fit right in here, and I'm referring, of course, only to Wally.
14:03Next order of business.
14:05Read back the minutes of the last meeting.
14:07We gave each other stock options, discussed ways to ignore the needs of others, and Hamilton
14:11had a racial joke.
14:12Thank you, Bill.
14:13Now on to a more pressing matter.
14:15Gentlemen, and I say gentlemen, because there ain't no damn way a woman's going to sit on
14:20this board while I'm alive.
14:23What he was going to say was, apparently, despite our best efforts, the company is not
14:29losing money fast enough.
14:31Excuse me, did you just say the company wasn't losing money fast enough?
14:34Jeez, Wally, can't you reign this guy, huh?
14:36He's like a loose cannon.
14:38Gilbert, will you stop embarrassing yourself?
14:40If you read Dogbert's book, you'd know that a fast-growing company always loses money
14:45while it's expanding.
14:46We're not a fast-growing company.
14:47And we never will be if we don't lose more money.
14:51So, suggestions on how we can lose money faster.
14:54What if we just, well, gave it to me?
14:59Oh, Wally, you're a card.
15:01This guy kills me.
15:02Next order of business, we have to select a new CEO.
15:06As tradition dictates, whosoever can remove this nine iron from the golf bag will be proclaimed
15:12chief executive officer.
15:20Wow.
15:21First guy who tried.
15:23Just like the other times.
15:27Can I just say one thing?
15:29Yes, but put his gag on first.
15:33Can I just say one thing?
15:35Is it about golf?
15:36Not really.
15:37Not even peripherally?
15:39No.
15:40Could you at least hold a golf club while you talk?
15:42I guess so.
15:44Hand him a wedge, Raul.
15:46When I became a major stockholder of this firm, I felt it was my duty to improve employee
15:51morale.
15:52Anyway, I searched my soul, although I realized science doesn't accept its existence.
15:57And I decided the best way to help the employees would be to introduce flex time.
16:01All in favor, say...
16:08Ah, the resolution passes unanimously.
16:11From now on, all employees can make their own schedules.
16:14You were a little too quick to agree.
16:17I have my reasons.
16:19Chapter 8.
16:20Screwing it up.
16:23Flex time.
16:24You mean we can come and go as we please?
16:26That's right.
16:27From now on, you're all masters of your own...
16:29Whoa!
16:30Ah!
16:32Hey, hold that door!
16:33I hope someone turned off the coffee makers.
16:41Oof.
16:42This turned out even better than I expected.
16:44You compassionate bastard, you've ruined me.
16:48Ow!
16:48Ow!
16:49Mm-hmm.
16:49Yeah, you're a good girl.
16:50Four.
16:52Ah!
16:55They say no one ever faced death wishing they'd spent more time at the office.
17:02I guess I'm the first.
17:04Ow!
17:06Mother of mercy.
17:08Take me home, Saint Peter.
17:10Why hast thou forsaken me?
17:12Because you were an atheist until you hit the ground.
17:17Mental note.
17:18Next time, find religion first.
17:23Welcome back.
17:24We were talking about rumors of the takeover of the company
17:27and the sudden and precipitous plunge in share price
17:30following Dilbert's flex time announcement.
17:33Trailer, I believe you had a few points.
17:36Vlad, do you have anything to add?
17:38Ah!
17:39It's burning.
17:40It's burning so bad.
17:42Not everyone would agree.
17:44Esther, apparently you've spoken to officials at the Security Exchange Commission.
17:47What do you see on the horizon?
17:50Oof!
17:52No, I don't believe faces grow back.
17:54But thanks.
17:55And finally, Brownie the bear is dead.
17:57I want to thank Animal Control for their quick action.
18:00Now, I have a stockholders meeting to attend.
18:07Fortunately for me, I am a long-term investor.
18:13Mr. Chairman, how can you explain the moves you've made
18:16that seem to be deliberate attempts to destroy Pathet Tech Management Incorporated
18:19and send the stock plummeting?
18:21I don't have to answer to you.
18:23Of course you do.
18:24We're the shareholders.
18:26Still, you should have sold hours ago.
18:29It's all in my book on sale in the lobby.
18:31Buy a copy as they kick you out.
18:36I've owned a share of this company since my dear, blessed father,
18:41rest his soul in the sweet bosom of the Lord,
18:43passed it on to me on his deathbed.
18:46You only own one share of stock?
18:48Don't interrupt me!
18:49I would like to know why the company stopped making those lovely biscuits
18:54with the pink sugar icing in the middle.
18:56Well, I never cared for them myself,
18:58but they were my dear, sweet father's favorite bedtime treat.
19:03Every night he'd pour himself a gigantic tumbler of scotch
19:06and eat 20 or 30 of those biscuits
19:08until he collapsed on the kitchen floor screaming for his insulin,
19:12and then Mother would put it in a tissue box and bury it in the backyard.
19:15Okay, we're just about out of time here.
19:17I'm not finished, you filthy little pizza!
19:19Security code Grandma Overload.
19:23By the way, as of this moment,
19:25the stock is worth about six-tenths of a cent.
19:28Anybody who wants to get out before being totally bankrupt,
19:31I'm offering three-tenths of a cent per share.
19:37Wally, what should we do?
19:39Wally?
19:40You boys really screwed up a good thing.
19:42Now that my filthy riches are gone,
19:44I'm just filthy.
19:46Nobody wants that.
19:47Nobody.
19:49Wally, where have you been?
19:50I had to transact some business.
19:52Wow, that was exciting.
19:54That buying frenzy sent the stock back up to a new all-time high.
19:58Buying frenzy?
19:58I thought it was a selling frenzy.
20:00You're one frenzy behind.
20:01Hey, we didn't sell.
20:04We're still the majority shareholders,
20:05and we're billionaires again.
20:07We're hanging in there, right?
20:08Wally, old buddy?
20:09I sold everything while the old lady was bellyaching.
20:12Wally!
20:13It was in the book.
20:15That's right.
20:15It's all in the last chapter.
20:17Congratulations.
20:18You're broke.
20:19Well, I'm glad I didn't sell.
20:20Actually, you did.
20:22You ought to change the password on your brokerage account.
20:25This sort of thing wouldn't happen.
20:28If everyone sold their stock,
20:30I wonder who bought it all.
20:40Wow, there's no traffic.
20:41Yeah, that flex time really works.
20:44So now that you own the company, what are you going to do?
20:46Oh, I guess you haven't heard.
20:47What?
20:49K-R-O-K!
20:52Music that makes you dare!
20:55K-O!
20:56We're so distorted, you can't even tell what I'm saying!
21:00Hey, D-O-A!
21:04I changed the presets.
21:06I can see that.
21:08Ah, here we go.
21:09And in business news, it's official.
21:11Entrepreneur investment guru Dogbert has sold his controlling interest in Dogbert Incorporated for $100 billion.
21:18Not quite that much.
21:19There's no word on what the new company will be named.
21:22Hey, look.
21:37On my mark.
21:43Oh, what?
21:48You haven't seen the last of me, buddy!
21:51I will haunt you down!
21:53I will not drop until I see you!
21:56No, for what you've done to me!
21:57I will nightmare you!
21:59Oh, you will...
22:00I will have to go!
22:04Bye!
22:06Bye!
22:09Bye!
22:11Bye!
22:21Bye!
22:23Bye!
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