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00:02Hmm. Let's see.
00:06Dogbert.
00:07Height.
00:08Varies depending on my speed relative to the observer.
00:13Weight is a sensation caused by the gravitational warping of space-time.
00:20Age.
00:22Hmm.
00:23According to Einstein, time is merely a persistent illusion.
00:27Take that.
00:28What are you doing?
00:29I'm applying for a slot on the space shuttle.
00:31I think a lot of these are trick questions.
00:33What qualifications do you have to fly on the space shuttle?
00:37None. But strangely enough, that doesn't disqualify me.
00:43That's it. I think I've done it.
00:46That's not the word on the street.
00:48No.
00:48I've been trying to achieve the perfect ratio of mango-flavored hyperjuice to water
00:53by shining a laser through it and measuring its absorption rate.
00:56I think I've done it.
00:57There's one small nothing for mankind.
01:00Have you tried following the directions on the back?
01:14Now look what you did.
01:17I think you'd better put that away.
01:22What's really bothering you?
01:24Nothing.
01:25Something's bothering you.
01:26No, it's not.
01:27Come on.
01:28No, really.
01:29Spit it out.
01:30Oh, all right.
01:31If you must know.
01:33Wow.
01:33Sometimes I amaze myself.
01:35Today we start the most frustrating phase of product development.
01:39Testing the prototype.
01:41Ah, so you're riddled with insecurities about your performance.
01:44No.
01:45Maybe you should be.
01:46The test engineer assigned to my prototype is a legend.
01:50His name is Bob Bastard.
01:52Ooh, you better throw him the towel.
01:54Look, Dogbird, I've spent a lot of time working on this product.
01:57The Gruntmaster 6000 is my baby.
01:59Even though it bears no resemblance to what I originally conceived.
02:03Are you listening to any of this?
02:05You conceived a baby, but it bears no resemblance to you.
02:09Ratbird.
02:11Here, drink this.
02:21Not bad.
02:25You conceived a baby, but it bears no resemblance to you.
02:30Not bad.
02:40You conceived a baby, but it bears no resemblance to you.
02:48You conceived a baby, but it bears no resemblance to you.
03:04And I'll see you next time.
03:32Dillbert, I want you to know I have the utmost confidence in you and your team.
03:37You do?
03:38I do what?
03:39Never mind.
03:40Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.
03:45I stopped off at Starbucks.
03:49Wow, Bob bastard.
03:50What's with the mask?
03:52Yeah, I've got to ask him where he bought it.
03:55It's so sad.
03:57What mask?
04:01I believe you're on fire.
04:03Ooh, you got that right.
04:05What a show-off.
04:07Can't he just walk in the door like everybody else?
04:10Dillbert, black, no sugar.
04:12Wally, cream with sugar.
04:15Boss, decaf with equal.
04:18Alice.
04:19Café au lait.
04:25What's the matter?
04:26Too strong for you?
04:31It's nice to meet you, Mr. Bastard.
04:33My father's Mr. Bastard.
04:36I'm Bob.
04:37No coffee for you, Bob?
04:39No.
04:40I'm so jacked up, my head's ready to explode.
04:48Dillbert, slurping is so rude.
04:51But it's hot.
04:52I hate slurping.
04:53That's what broke up my marriage.
04:54If you ever do that in front of me again,
04:56I will throw that hot coffee in your face
04:58and you can slurper through your pores.
04:59Do you hear me?
05:00Do you?
05:02Whoa.
05:03As if I could slurp through my pores.
05:06Well, now that that's all settled,
05:08let the testing begin!
05:21First, the rock and roll test
05:23to determine the prototype's ability
05:26to withstand differing levels of seismic activity.
05:32I tell you, Bob,
05:33you're like a celebrity around here.
05:35Grotesque and evil,
05:36yet famous and surprisingly polite.
05:39Do you golf?
05:40Excuse me.
05:41I'm working.
05:42The man is working!
05:59Have you heard their last CD?
06:01Wild stuff.
06:23Maybe it's me,
06:24but I just don't see...
06:25It's you.
06:26Okay.
06:32Where's your god now?
06:48Sorry, my friends,
06:50but it's better to find the problems now
06:52than to send a defective product
06:53into the market
06:54to shatter the lives of innocent people.
06:59Well, it's a gray area.
07:04Gray area, mask jerk.
07:10He's like a wounded bird.
07:12A vulture, but still.
07:14That's a bird.
07:37You're going into space?
07:38Good observation, potato boy.
07:40I'll send you a postcard.
07:41I don't think you can send a postcard
07:43from outer space.
07:43Oh, it can be done.
07:45Bet you might see a little jump
07:46in your next tax bill.
07:47What are you planning on doing
07:48with my laser?
07:50Did you know there are no laws in space?
08:02Well, I don't know.
08:03Well, got to go.
08:11A little to the left
08:13No, a little to the right
08:17No, a little to the left
08:19My left or your left?
08:21What's the difference?
08:22My left is your right, and your right is my left
08:25Just put it down
08:26Ah, there's Wally
08:27Hey, Wally, could you give me a...
08:29Hey, Bob, how's it going?
08:30Wally
08:31He called me Wally
08:33That's your name
08:34There's no call for bitterness
08:40I'm not worried
08:41This prototype is designed to withstand temperatures up to 5,000 degrees
08:45Wow, that's almost enough to boil water
08:59I know you, Alice
09:01You push people away
09:03Afraid they might see you as you really are
09:05You scare me, Bob
09:07You scare the bejesus out of me
09:09But in a good way
09:11Hold that thought, babe
09:13Let me destroy your dream, and I'll get right back to you
09:17I will now subject a prototype
09:19To the next phase of environmental testing
09:24Exposure to extreme heat
09:33All right
09:34Yes, yes
09:36Yes, yes
09:47Did you see that, Dilbert?
09:49Did you see it?
09:50Oh, boy, I've got goosebumps
09:51Or some other strange growths
09:54Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?
10:01To failure
10:03If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cubicle dangling from a power strip
10:08All right, Dilbert
10:09Don't be afraid of itself
10:09Good for you
10:10The astronauts now approaching the module looking natty and spring-like
10:14In their white jumpsuits
10:16Hey, there's Dogbert
10:17Hey, Dogbert
10:18I'm out of change
10:20I'll get you on the way back
10:21Wait a minute
10:22That's my wallet
10:25Wally?
10:26What are you doing?
10:27I'm not doing anything
10:28Why are you dressed like that?
10:30I'm not dressed like that
10:31You're trying to look like him
10:33Don't be ridiculous
10:34It's just that all my non-Bob Bastard imitation clothes are in the laundry
10:37This is all I have left
10:39What has happened to you?
10:40Are you in Bob Bastard's camp now?
10:42He has a camp?
10:44Cool
10:46Why do I try?
10:48I think we make a terrific couple, Alice
10:51You really think so?
10:52No, I'm just toying with your emotions
10:56Since I caught you in such a good mood
10:58Can I borrow another 50 bucks?
11:00Another 50?
11:01Oh, forget it
11:02If you're gonna lay some kind of trip on me, I'll see you around
11:05No, wait
11:06Okay, here
11:09Make that a hundred bucks
11:11I'm saving up for a new mask
11:13What do you mean you're changing your name?
11:15Seriously, don't you think it sounds good?
11:17Wally Bastard
11:19Have you lost your mind?
11:20You're worse than Alice
11:22Bob Bastard is evil
11:24He is set on destroying everything we hold dear
11:27Here's my dress
11:27My purse
11:28My purse
11:29Anything else?
11:31Yeah, how about your car?
11:32And your shoes?
11:35Okay
11:37Can you give me a ride home?
11:39If the risk of sounding critical, a little jogging wouldn't hurt you
11:43You're right
11:44See you tomorrow
11:46You're suffocating me, Alice
11:50How come you gave Bob your car?
11:52Stop it
11:53Just stop it, Dilbert
11:54I've had just about enough of you trashing Bob Bastard
11:57He is not a bad man
11:58Well, he is
11:59But that's what makes him so sexy
12:04I'm sorry, Alice
12:05But he's the embodiment of all that's horrid and loathsome in this world
12:09Just because it's written on a bathroom wall doesn't mean it's true
12:12He wrote it
12:14Hey, babe, how about lending me a five?
12:17Sure
12:19Works every time
12:27Oh, sure
12:28We've been in touch with advanced alien civilizations for years
12:31And they've opened their laboratories to us
12:33Any technology we want
12:36Hi
12:36Hey, how you doing?
12:38Excuse me
12:41Yes?
12:42Dogbird?
12:43It's me
12:44Me who?
12:45Me?
12:46Look, this isn't a very good time
12:47I'm learning all the secrets of the universe
12:49Hey, guys
12:50Would you keep it down?
12:51I'm on long distance
12:52Well, here's one for you
12:54Why do women see the fact that I'm kind, sensitive, and caring as some sort of weakness?
12:58Hey, Dogbird
12:59You want to see where Gene Roddenberry is?
13:01Maybe later, fellas
13:02It's merely a function of cultural conditioning
13:04That and the fact that you look like the illegitimate child of Bill Gates and the Pillsbury Doughboy
13:11Oh, that's a good one
13:13That was cold
13:20Do you have a moment?
13:23I don't know
13:23Have you heard something?
13:24I need to talk to someone and believe me, no one else is around
13:29Oh, well, in that case, I'll be heading out
13:32It's kind of important
13:33Uh-huh
13:34Uh-huh
13:34Anyway, the reason I called you in here is
13:37I can't decide which of these lovely portraits to keep on my desk
13:40And which to hang over my bed
13:43What do you think?
13:45The I'm a free spirit who blows with the wind, Bob-bastard?
13:50Or the I'm a sadistic nightmare who will watch over you as you sleep, Bob-bastard?
13:56I sort of like the first one
13:58Really?
14:00Well, thanks for coming in, Delbert
14:01But I...
14:02I really need some time to myself to think
14:04And meditate
14:28Is there something I can help you with?
14:30But how did you end up such a sadistic bastard anyway?
14:35Part of it has to do with the name, but...
14:39There's more
14:41I wasn't always the bitter and disfigured man you see before you
14:47I was born Robert Childburn out of wedlock
14:50It's Icelandic, but my parents changed it to bastard when I was three
14:55There was a time when my peers considered me a courteous and affable test engineer
15:08Hey, Karen, you...
15:09Is Xeroxing something?
15:12Doofus
15:12Thanks
15:13I was wondering
15:16If you're not busy after work, do you want to go see Escape from the Planet of the Apes?
15:19You're asking me out?
15:25And as if that wasn't painful enough, she told all her friends
15:29I told you not to leave that there
15:47I was devastated
15:49And the world has never been the same
15:53Somehow shattering people's hopes and dreams felt good!
15:56It felt right!
15:58And it wasn't without its perks
16:02Hey, Bob
16:03I'm having a Planet of the Apes marathon over at my house
16:06Care to join us?
16:08Oh, yeah?
16:08Who's gonna be there?
16:10Just me and a girlfriend who's very open to experimentation
16:14As you can see, I'm simply the victim of society
16:17I can't escape who I am any more than I can escape my shadow
16:35I'm sorry to take up so much of your valuable time
16:39See you at the test site
16:40Bring your safety goggles
16:47Look, I've worked very hard seeing the Gruntmaster 6000 through to this final phase of testing
16:52And I just want to say how proud I am of myself
16:55Now, if we can just get rid of that junk on the field, maybe we can start the tests
17:00Uh, that's the Gruntmaster 6000
17:03Really? It's so big
17:04Welcome to the final round of testing and the demise of the Gruntmaster 6000
17:18Here you go, Bob
17:20You'll want this for the trip
17:22Tonight's test will be the asteroid crash simulation test
17:27Oh
17:33Just out of curiosity
17:35How often does an asteroid hit an exercise machine?
17:38A comet hit my Stairmaster
17:40That's why I don't exercise anymore
18:08Please deposit $400,575.20 now
18:17What?
18:18Dogbert, an asteroid is hurtling towards Earth
18:21And that would affect me how?
18:23It's Bob Bastard's final test
18:25It's aimed at the Gruntmaster
18:27In a few minutes, the prototype will be destroyed
18:29Along with any chance of me being happy
18:32There's a lot about you in this story
18:34Help me
18:37In a minute
18:54Please, God, help me crack this safe
18:57Okay, let's see
19:07Hmm, maybe, uh, hair to the left
19:11You won't even feel the laser on your cornea
19:16Now that is embarrassing
19:19Okay, it's sighted
19:20Now, where is that asteroid?
19:37We did it!
19:39We're home free!
19:41When you take the bandages off, don't rip them off
19:44Or he'll turn into a charred skeleton
19:50Someday, I'll look back at this and laugh
19:52Yes, I'm leasing now
19:54Now, it's safe
19:56Snug as a bug
20:00When you want something done, you have to do it yourself
20:04Operate manual overslide
20:07I was afraid of that
20:08Let's see
20:11I need to push the prototype about ten feet
20:13To get it out of the target zone
20:23Let's rock
20:24Alice, help me push this thing
20:26Are you nuts?
20:28Bob would kill
20:29I mean, he wouldn't like that
20:33Dilbert!
20:34It wasn't me
20:35Look
20:39Slurping gives me such great pleasure
20:42And the fact that Alice hates it arouses me
20:48Bastard
20:49Now, will you help me push this thing?
20:57Oh, poo
21:07It would be wrong to simply stamp the prototype approved now
21:19I have got to get me one of these space shuttles
21:23I just had the darn thing washed
21:33Don't worry, guys
21:34I won't say a word about the immortality serum
21:37So, you're welcome
21:40Thanks, Dogbert
21:41You really bailed me out
21:43Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me
21:45If you weren't you
21:47And I wasn't me
21:48And everything was completely different
21:51Hey, Bob, how's it going?
21:53Shut up!
21:54Bob?
21:55Bob?
21:56Yes, Alice?
21:57Where's my car?
22:03Bob?
22:06Bob?
22:08Bob?
22:09Bob?
22:10Bob?
22:13Bob?
22:15Bob?
22:16Bob?
22:16Bob?
22:18Bob?
22:19Bob?
22:20Bob?
22:20Bob?
22:22Bob?
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