- 12 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E3
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TVTranscript
00:28Satsang with Mooji
01:05Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?
01:10No? Just shut up and push the trot.
01:13Yes, sir!
01:15Right, corridor 159.
01:23Lister, shut up! I'm only woman.
01:25Well, don't!
01:32Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.
01:39Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, Milano.
01:43What job number's this?
01:48Right, that's it.
01:50Lister, the third technician, offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet.
02:01When the captain sees this, you're dead.
02:03I'm bored!
02:05Bored!
02:05This is essential routine maintenance.
02:08It's absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship.
02:14Dispenser 172, chicken soup nozzle clogged.
02:21Pass me a 14B, Lister.
02:27Lister, is this a 14B?
02:29Does it look even remotely like a 14B?
02:35This is a 14B, Lister.
02:38This is a 14F.
02:40Are you blind?
02:41Who cares?
02:41Give us an eye care, Lister.
02:48It's my career, Lister.
02:49I'm the one who gets it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets blackcurrant
02:54cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar.
02:59Chicken soup.
03:08Yep, that's working.
03:10It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business.
03:13The only reason they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better union than us.
03:18Lister, that is absolute nonsense.
03:21Right, what's next?
03:22Botanical Gardens, faulty porous circuit and corridor 147, sticking door.
03:29It's true you know though, Rimmer.
03:30You rank below all four of those service robots, even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
03:35Well, this is a lot for long, matey. Up, up, up. That's where I'm going.
03:38Not until your passion engineer's exam.
03:40And you won't do that because you just go in there and flunk again.
03:43Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
03:47You what?
03:48You walked in there, wrote, I am a fish.
03:51400 times with a funny little dance and fainted.
03:54That's a total lie.
03:55No, it's not. Peterson told me.
03:57No, it's not. Peterson told me.
03:59Lister, if you must know, what I did was I wrote a discourse on porous circuits
04:03which was simply too radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
04:09Yeah, he said you were the fish.
04:11Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?
04:13No, it's a chicken.
04:15Right, you're on report.
04:17Two times in as many minutes, Lister. I don't know.
04:20Rimmer, Lister.
04:21Yes, sir.
04:22Yo, Todd Hunter, get down!
04:24Indeed.
04:25Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through McIntyre's artefacts and I see that you've filed 247 complaints against Lister.
04:33Yes, sir.
04:34That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination and
04:44one count of mutiny.
04:45Yes, sir.
04:47Mutiny, Lister?
04:48I stood on his toe.
04:49Maliciously and with intent to wound.
04:51It was an accident.
04:52Lister, I've put it to you. How is it possible to stand on one small toe by accident?
04:56You didn't stand on my toe at all. You stood on my entire foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in
05:00pursuit of vital duty.
05:01But the vital duty was him to snap my guitar in half.
05:04Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.
05:07All right, that's enough.
05:08Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have had to perform my duties hopping.
05:12Clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly therefore mutiny.
05:14Finished?
05:15However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't intend to apply for the death penalty.
05:18There are 169 people on board this ship. You, Rimmer, are over one man. Why can't you two get on?
05:24You see, I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
05:28I try and expect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy because he's such a smaghead.
05:33Did you hear that, sir?
05:34Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a superior technician as a smaghead?
05:40Oh, Rimmer, you are a smaghead.
05:45You know that. It's real respect, sir. Your career's over.
05:47Talk until you've finished, you big league.
05:53We're all gathered here today to pay our last respects to George McIntyre.
05:57George was an excellent officer and as good a friend as anyone could ever hope to have.
06:01And he'll be missed more deeply and more completely than he could ever know.
06:06I now commend his ashes to the stars he loves so much.
06:11Goodbye, George. We'll miss you.
06:19This is a piece of music he specially requested. Start the tape, please, Holly.
06:23I'll see you later on again.
06:29There goes McIntyre.
06:31So long. Goodbye.
06:33Bye, George.
06:34That was George?
06:36Really? I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots.
06:39No, everybody first year.
06:40Hey, I was watching that.
06:42Well, tough.
06:44You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte you with it.
06:49Can I do anything? Is it OK for breathe? Can I breathe?
06:51Ah!
06:54Lister, I have an exam tomorrow which I intend to pass.
06:57I know you have by cheating.
06:59This is not cheating.
07:01It's merely an aid to memory. Helps me marshal the facts already in my command.
07:05What does copying the entire textbooks onto your body?
07:08Why don't you hand your body in and let them mark that?
07:12Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an officer?
07:15Someone who wasn't academy educated?
07:18Someone who didn't have the right knobby background?
07:20Someone who didn't have the right parents?
07:22You didn't have the right parents?
07:23Whose parents did you have?
07:26My parents. The wrong parents.
07:28I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why bother?
07:32Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive. You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on
07:37this ship.
07:37I'm not the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice?
07:42You tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.
07:44Yes, Mr. Lister, sir.
07:48Lister, you are a nothing.
07:50I'm not a nothing. I've got me plan.
07:52What's that? The plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire universe?
07:56No. Me five year plan.
07:58You see, I'm going to do two more trips and I've been saving up all me pay.
08:02Since when?
08:03Since always. That's why I never buy any soap or deodorants or socks or anything like that, you know.
08:08Anyway, I'm going to both have a little farm on Fiji.
08:11I'm going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses.
08:17With a sheep and a cow?
08:18No, with horses and horses.
08:21On Fiji?
08:21Yeah, the prices there are unbelievable.
08:23Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level.
08:28It's only three feet they can wade.
08:31That's why the animals are going to have to be quite tall.
08:35Nice plan, Lister. Excellent plan. Brilliant plan, Lister.
08:39What about the sheep? What are you going to do, buy them water wings?
08:43Fit them with stilts?
08:45Better still, you could crossbreed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.
08:50Babs! Babs!
08:53You can get a drainage grant these days.
08:55Why bother, Lister? You could be the first man to produce wet-look knitwear.
08:58Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, because I knew you'd say something like this.
09:04Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
09:07Morning farmer, Lister. I'm just popping down to the shops in my submarine. Can I buy you anything?
09:14The welcome back George McIntyre reception is about to begin in the refectory.
09:18George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who weren't able to attend his funeral.
09:43Have you seen the MSR?
09:45No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback.
09:50Peterson, have you got a coin?
09:54I've just been shown this great new intelligence test.
09:56What you've got to do is force the coin onto your forehead,
09:59and then the more times you can bang yourself on the head without it falling off,
10:03the more intelligent you are.
10:04Are you going to go for it?
10:05He's going for it!
10:08You ready? Can you feel it?
10:10Yep.
10:10Can you feel it?
10:12Yep.
10:12Go!
10:13Go on, Jesus.
10:14Go on now, come on.
10:15Go on!
10:24Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.
10:28Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy,
10:31because George is back with us, albeit as a hologram.
10:34Now, some of you may not have traveled with a hologram before,
10:37so I ask you to treat him as a normal man,
10:39because he is in every respect like George.
10:42He has George's personality and George's knowledge and experience.
10:46Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything,
10:49so I ask you to cooperate with his request.
10:51And please, take every care not to walk through him,
10:55not even when you're in a hurry.
10:57Whoa!
10:58Steve!
10:58Steve!
11:00Steve!
11:01Steve!
11:02Steve!
11:13Steve!
11:15Steve!
11:18Steve!
11:20Steve!
11:24Steve!
11:28Steve!
11:29I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead,
11:32more as someone who's no longer a threat to your marriages.
11:37I think Joe knows what I'm talking about.
11:43As you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram.
11:47So, my advice to anyone more vital to the mission than me is,
11:52if you die, I'll kill you.
11:59Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
12:08Flight coordinator, George McIntyre.
12:10George!
12:20Just one thing before the disco.
12:23Holly tells me that he's sensed a non-human life form aboard.
12:26Said it's Rimmer.
12:28We don't know what it is, Lister.
12:30So, just be careful, okay?
12:32I'm telling you in, Rimmer.
12:35Ooh!
12:37Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10%.
12:42They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
12:46They've got to ask one of the forearms,
12:49which means I've passed already.
12:50Anything on the left chin's a bonus.
12:54Right.
12:55Cutie, current under tension is...
12:58What's this?
12:59Current under tension is equal?
13:01Current under tension is expandable?
13:03Current under tension is expensive?
13:06What does this mean?
13:08What does any of this mean?
13:10I've covered my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
13:18Just relax, relax, relax, relax.
13:22Uh, plus 20% of the ships, of course,
13:25minus the pi-phigris theorem multiplied by 2 over the x-axis minus 1
13:29equals the total velocity of Red Dwarf,
13:30which means I know everything about astro-engineering.
13:32Good morning, Lister, for probably the last time.
13:36You got it all down, have you, Rimmer?
13:38Couple of blanks, but I think we're there.
13:41So you can't remember anything?
13:43Think what you will, Lister.
13:45F-I-S-H.
13:47That's how you spell fish.
13:48And you just keel over,
13:49I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.
13:52Dry up, Lister.
13:56Will entrants for the engineers' examination
13:58now make their way to the teaching room?
14:01Not very, but honestly, good luck.
14:04It's all right, Lister.
14:06I'm in complete and total control.
14:16What?
14:18Lock?
14:31Frankenstein?
14:33Ah, you're my king of Frankenstein.
14:41Oh, you're getting really big now, you know.
14:45I hope it's not twins.
14:46You've already got all my milk ration.
14:48Never mind.
14:49When the baby cat comes, maybe we can give them water and pretend it's milk.
14:52It's only a baby cat.
14:53I won't know, eh?
14:54Eh?
14:55Do you want to see me picture of Fiji again, Frankie?
14:57You're going to love it there.
14:58Look.
15:05Okay, everybody, you've got three hours.
15:07No modems, no speaking slide rules.
15:10Turn over and start. Good luck.
16:05Oh.
16:39Hi, where's the captain's office?
16:41It's over there where it says captain's office, where it's always said captain's office.
16:45So that's the captain's office.
16:47So how are you then?
16:49Right.
16:49Do you know what he wants to see me for?
16:51Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.
16:54Oh yeah?
16:55Yeah, for your diligence and general devotion to duty.
16:58Oh yeah?
17:00Lister.
17:01Bye.
17:05You last to see me, captain?
17:08Where's the cat?
17:10What?
17:11What cat?
17:13Lister, not only are you so stupid, you bring aboard an unquarantined animal and jeopardize
17:18every man and woman on this ship.
17:20Not only that, but you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed
17:26in the ship's lab.
17:28Now I'm going to ask you again.
17:30Do you have a cat?
17:32No.
17:32Have you got a cat?
17:35Yes, that one.
17:36Where'd you get it?
17:37Titan?
17:38Yes.
17:38Don't you realize that that thing could be carrying anything?
17:41Don't you remember what happened on the Oregon with the rabbits?
17:45Lister, a loose animal aboard the ship could get anywhere.
17:47It could get into the air ducts.
17:49It could get into holly.
17:50You know, a little nibble here and a little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it,
17:54we're flying backwards.
17:56Now I want that cat, and I want it now.
17:59Sir, just suppose I did have a cat.
18:02Just suppose.
18:04What would you do with Frankenstein?
18:06I'd send it down to the medical center and I'd have it cut up and test run on it.
18:10Would you put it back together when you'd finished?
18:13Lister, the cat would be dead.
18:15So with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?
18:18Lister, give me that cat.
18:20It's not as easy as that.
18:22Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji,
18:26and we're going to have a sheep and a cow and three horses.
18:29It's me plan, and no one can get in the way of it, not even you, and I do respect
18:33you.
18:34Say?
18:35Oh, Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and forfeit 18 months' wages?
18:40No.
18:40Do you want to hand over that cat?
18:42No.
18:43Choose.
18:46Look, Dave, no one wants to go through with this.
18:48Okay, I can handle it.
18:52Remember, are you all right?
18:53I can't really remember.
18:55I think I did quite well.
19:00Has this gone ahead?
19:01Haven't you ever traveled into Stella?
19:02No.
19:03Oh, you don't feel a thing.
19:04The stasis room creates a static field of time.
19:07See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate the stasis field.
19:11So, although you exist, you no longer exist in time, and for you, time itself does not exist.
19:16You see, although you're still a mass, you are no longer an event in space-time.
19:19You are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero.
19:22Oh, simple as that, eh?
19:25Okay, I'm ready.
19:26See you in 18 months.
19:29Holly, activate the stasis field.
19:30Okay, Fred.
19:53Good morning, Dave.
19:54It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.
19:57I've only just got in.
19:58Please proceed to the drive room for debriefing.
20:06Where is everybody home?
20:08They're dead, Dave.
20:10Who is?
20:11Everybody, Dave.
20:13What, Captain Hollister?
20:15Everybody's dead, Dave.
20:17What, Todd Hunter?
20:19Everybody's dead, Dave.
20:21What, Selby?
20:23They're all dead.
20:24Everybody's dead, Dave.
20:27Peterson isn't, is he?
20:29Everybody is dead, Dave.
20:31Not Chen.
20:32Gordon Bennett.
20:33Yes, Chen.
20:34Everybody.
20:35Everybody's dead, Dave.
20:37Rimmer.
20:38He's dead, Dave.
20:39Everybody is dead.
20:40Everybody is dead, Dave.
20:42Wait.
20:44Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
20:48I wish I'd never let him out in the first place.
20:51How?
20:51The drive plate was inefficiently repaired.
20:54It blew.
20:55And the entire crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium, too, before I could seal the
20:59area.
20:59Oh, this is terrible.
21:01And why is it so dirty around here, ho?
21:03What is this stuff?
21:05That is Catering Officer Olaf Peterson.
21:07Come on!
21:09I've been eating half the crew.
21:12And who's that?
21:13That's Captain Hollister.
21:15And that's Todd Hunter?
21:16No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.
21:18Oh, yeah?
21:19I didn't recognise him without his report book.
21:22What was Rimmer doing in the drive room?
21:24He was explaining to the captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate properly.
21:28So, wait, how long was I in stasis?
21:32Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe background level.
21:36How long?
21:38Three million years.
21:39Three million years?
21:42I've still got that library book.
21:46But what about Chrissie?
21:47What about Chrissie Kachansky?
21:49She's dead, Dave.
21:50No way.
21:51I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the age difference
21:55would be insurmountable.
21:58She was part of me plan.
21:59I never got round to telling her, but she was going to come with me to Fiji.
22:03She was going to wear a white dress and ride the horses, and I was going to take care
22:07of everything else.
22:07It was me plan.
22:09I planned it.
22:10Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now.
22:12Not unless it snows and you need something to grip the path with.
22:19Sorry.
22:21I'm sorry about that.
22:22I've been on me own for three million years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.
22:26I think I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell you the truth.
22:29So everyone's dead.
22:30I'm on me own.
22:31It's just me.
22:32Well, technically speaking, yeah.
22:33What do you mean, technically speaking?
22:38Hello, Lister.
22:40Long time no see.
22:41Really?
22:41You're a hologram?
22:43Yes, that's because I'm dead.
22:44Dead is a can of Spam.
22:46And it's all thanks to you.
22:48Me?
22:48What did I do?
22:49If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to stasis, I would have
22:53had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and I wouldn't be dead.
22:56What's it feel like?
22:58Death?
22:59It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
23:02No, I mean being a hologram.
23:06Do you mind?
23:08Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
23:09I still have the same drives, the same feelings, the same emotions.
23:13But I can't touch anything.
23:15Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a laughing child, or interfere
23:22with a woman sexually.
23:24Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway.
23:26But I would have done one day, murderer.
23:28Hey, hey, I didn't do anything.
23:30It was you who didn't fix the drive plates properly.
23:33Is this me here?
23:35Yeah.
23:35Me?
23:36Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.
23:38The bright side?
23:39What bright side?
23:41I'm dead.
23:42I'm composed entirely of light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of
23:46wits with a stuffed iguana.
23:47Where's the bright side?
23:49What's an iguana?
23:51And look, look, you're not dead, are you?
23:53I mean, you're dead, but you're not dead, dead, because you're still here, aren't you?
23:57Lister, I'm not really here.
23:59I'm not really me.
24:00Don't you see?
24:01I'm a computer simulation of me.
24:03That's me there, that pile of albino mouse droppings.
24:07Come on.
24:08Lots of people have died.
24:10Lots of people have died and gone on and done really, really well.
24:13You're a hologram, so what?
24:15I suppose you're right, Lister.
24:17I've got to pull myself together.
24:19But you've got to help me.
24:20You've got to be my hands and my touch.
24:22I know the sort of things you like to touch.
24:24No way, Rimmer, forget it.
24:26Are you smoking, Lister, in the drive room?
24:29Yeah.
24:29I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.
24:32You're on report, squire.
24:38I can't write it down.
24:40I'll remember it.
24:41Oh.
24:42Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak here with a dead and all that,
24:45but you're still a smaghead.
24:47I beg your pardon?
24:47Yes, sir, you're still a smaghead.
24:50Lister, do you have any conception of a penalty
24:52for describing a deceased superior technician as a smaghead?
25:07Lister, will you listen to me?
25:08Just listen to me.
25:10Just shut up.
25:11Just shut up.
25:23Oh, how am I looking?
25:28Looking nice.
25:30No, wait a minute.
25:31I'm looking better than nice.
25:33I'm looking dangerous.
25:35Ow, dangerous.
25:38Ah, hey, what's that?
25:41Oh, it's my shadow.
25:43Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
25:45I'm looking nice.
25:46My shadow's looking nice.
25:48What a team.
25:49We are unbelievable.
25:51Okay, team, this way.
25:53No, this way.
25:56Ow, yeah.
25:59This way.
26:02Lister, just hold your horses.
26:03Listen to them.
26:08Uh-oh.
26:09Better make myself look big.
26:17Fearsome.
26:18I was fearsome.
26:20Me and my shadow.
26:23Oh, come on, boy.
26:24Far from down me.
26:27Ow!
26:30Holly, what was that?
26:32During the radioactive crisis state, your cat and her kittens were safely sealed in the hold.
26:37They've been breeding there for three million years and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the
26:42corridor.
26:43I don't get it.
26:45Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes?
26:47Yeah, I know that.
26:48He evolved from cats.
26:49His ancestors were cats.
26:51He's descended from cats.
26:53Yes, he is a cat.
26:54Ow!
26:56Oh, yeah!
26:58Hello?
27:01Cat?
27:02Whoa!
27:03Crease!
27:07Stand back, mister.
27:08Da-da-da-da!
27:11Da-da-da-da!
27:17Here you go, cat.
27:18Ah, crispy!
27:20Holly says you like these.
27:23Hey, you monkeys eat off the floor.
27:25Don't you got no style or sophistication?
27:28Oh, I'm sorry, cat.
27:29I'm sorry.
27:31You people are unbelievable.
27:36Where are all your other catty friends, cat?
27:39Good, crispy, mate.
27:40But where are all your other little kitties?
27:42Are they gone?
27:43Are they dead?
27:43Have they left you?
27:44Who cares?
27:45I want it off the ship.
27:47No.
27:48He's coming home with us, aren't you, cat?
27:50Home?
27:51And where exactly is home supposed to be?
27:52Earth?
27:53Earth?
27:53What makes you think there'll be any earth, Lister?
27:55And even if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
27:58Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?
28:01To them, you'll be the equivalent of a slime that first crawled out of the oceans.
28:04I could smarten myself up a bit.
28:06Ah, you're a dumpster.
28:07You're extinct.
28:08You've got nothing.
28:09Hey, hey.
28:10I've still got me plant.
28:11And I've still got a cat, okay.
28:13It's not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.
28:15Did you say Frankenstein?
28:16Yeah, she was your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother or something.
28:20The holy mother?
28:21The virgin birth?
28:22No one believes that stuff.
28:24The virgin birth?
28:27No, it was a big black tom on a titan.
28:29Frankenstein, yeah.
28:31I remember that stuff from kiddie school.
28:33The holy mother, saved by Cloyster the stupid, who was frozen in time and who gave of his life that
28:40we might live.
28:41No, no, it's not Cloyster.
28:44It's me.
28:45It's Lister.
28:46It's Lister the stupid.
28:49Who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the promised land?
28:54No, it's not Fushal.
28:55It's Fiji.
28:56And I will.
28:57I'll lead you there.
28:59That's where we're going.
29:00Holly, plot of course for Fiji.
29:03Look out here.
29:05The slime's coming home.
29:11It's cold outside.
29:13There's no kind of atmosphere.
29:15I'm all alone.
29:17More or less.
29:18Let me fly.
29:20Let the park break from here.
29:22Fun, fun, fun.
29:25It's the sun, sun, sun.
29:38Fun, fun, fun.
29:41It's the sun, sun, sun.
29:44Fun, fun, fun.
29:48It's the sun, sun, sun.
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