- 3 hours ago
Tv, Red Dwarf V -Series 1 (Main Feature)-6
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:22I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:47Remain calm, Crichton.
00:49This is your CPU speaking.
00:51There has been an accident.
00:54Both your legs have been crushed beyond repair.
00:57Your ambulatory system has been destroyed.
01:00And your life expectancy is currently estimated at 67 minutes.
01:04If there is any further news, we will keep you updated.
01:08In the meantime, here's a little music.
01:17Your auto repair systems are now able to restore visuals.
01:22Crichton personal black box recording.
01:24Time, unknown.
01:26Location, unknown.
01:28Cause of accident, unknown.
01:30Should someone find this recording, perhaps it will shed light as to what happened here.
01:37My short-term memory has been erased.
01:40This I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from Starbuck's rear engine.
01:48Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased.
01:55This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented, disoriented, disoriented.
02:01Sixty-seven minutes.
02:03I better get out of here.
02:13Of course.
02:14Of course.
02:47Can you hear me?
02:50Find an Auror sample pod.
02:53There should be plenty strewn around the crash site.
02:55Initiate the homing procedure and bring help.
02:59Okay?
02:59Good luck, boy.
03:01Go on.
03:24Oh, okay, I'm here. What's the beef?
03:26We've got a visitor.
03:27What?
03:28A pod arrived about 20 minutes ago.
03:30Something was in it, but it's broken free.
03:32Any ideas?
03:33Well, I don't want to spread any panic or alarm.
03:38What do you mean you don't want to spread panic and alarm?
03:40Well, you've always had this thing against tarantulas, haven't you?
03:45Tarantulas?
03:45I mean, you've never been overly fond of them as a species, have you?
03:49Well, no.
03:50And the prospect of waking up and finding one crawling over your clammy, naked, helpless body
03:56is always feeling a kind of cold dread.
04:00Well, yeah.
04:01What are you trying to say to me, Holly?
04:02I'm saying it might not be your night.
04:06Look at this.
04:07This is the best shot the security cameras could get.
04:10Where's it now?
04:11We lost it.
04:12What does Crichton think?
04:14Crichton's off moon hopping with Rimmer.
04:16Radio links down.
04:17I'll keep trying.
04:24So what's the plan?
04:25Hey, you OK?
04:27You look tense.
04:38You're playing that dumb adventure game.
04:49Find a potion from Gandalf, the master wizard.
04:51That's what I usually do.
04:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:24Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:52Ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:09Ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:13Crichton, man, take it easy.
06:15I'm gonna get you out of here.
06:17My legs, I can't feel them.
06:20Yeah, they're trapped in the distension.
06:23I'm gonna have to put you in two.
06:25Begging your pardon, sir?
06:28Crichton, man, keep still.
06:29I'm trying to draw a line here.
06:31I don't want to go all wonky.
06:33I don't want to give you as much of you as possible.
06:44Sir, a couple of brief points.
06:46Firstly, you are not a qualified service engineer,
06:49and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my guarantee.
06:54Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open.
07:02Nope.
07:03You're right.
07:04He really isn't dead.
07:06I owe you 20.
07:10Crichton, are you okay?
07:12I think so, sir.
07:13There's a few bits and bobs left over.
07:16But it's always the same when you try a bit of do-it-yourself, isn't it?
07:19Where's Mr. Rimmer?
07:20We were just gonna ask you that.
07:23What happened?
07:24Well, there are gaps.
07:26I remember Mr. Rimmer spotted an S3 planet on the scope
07:29and wanted to claim it on behalf of the Space Corps.
07:32As usual, the ceremony consisted of planting the flag
07:35and singing all 23 stanzas of the Space Corps anthem.
07:39Then the planet started to erupt around us,
07:41which, frankly, came as something of a relief.
07:46A moonquake?
07:47Worse.
07:48It was as if the entire planet was reshaping,
07:50terraforming itself as we watched.
07:53And then?
07:54Then things got a bit sketchy.
07:55I remember an explosion and then blackness.
07:58And then I remember Mr. Rimmer screaming.
08:01I have an image of his face,
08:02twisted with fear, pain, anguish, dread,
08:05absolutely mortified.
08:07Did someone suggest he pick up the tab for lunch?
08:12Something took him, something awful.
08:14Can we track him, Holly?
08:16Can you get a trace on his light bee?
08:17Got him.
08:19Click and a half due south.
08:21Suggest we continue the journey by land, sir.
08:23I'll lower the caterpillar tracks.
08:25I think I've just worked out what that missing circuit board is for, sir.
08:32This is one weird place.
08:34Strange animal noises, unbearable stench,
08:38squelchy underfoot.
08:39It's just like your laundry basket at the end of the month.
08:43Get anything?
08:44My guess is this is a Psy-moon.
08:47Psy-moon?
08:48An artificial planetoid.
08:50It tunes into an individual's psyche
08:51and adapts its terrain to mimic his mental state.
08:55In this instance, I believe it reconfigured itself
08:57using Mr. Rimmer's subconscious as a template.
09:00What are you saying to me, Craig?
09:01We are interlopers inside Mr. Rimmer's mind.
09:08This sounds like a tall change of underwear trick.
09:12If this planet's Rimmer's mind, what is it that took him?
09:15All his neuroses, all his personal demons
09:18will be incarnated here, made flesh.
09:21Example?
09:21Well, each person's mindscape is unique,
09:24but we could well encounter, say, Mr. Rimmer's lust,
09:26personified as some kind of slobbering, rampaging beast.
09:30Rimmer's lust monster?
09:32Ooh.
09:35Every individual's mental landscape
09:36is dominated by one drive.
09:38In some cases, it might be ambition,
09:40in others greed, envy, or the desire to please.
09:43Whatever it is that took Mr. Rimmer,
09:45we can only pray that its intentions are benign.
09:48Come on, he can't be in that much danger.
09:49I mean, he's a hologram.
09:50Not here.
09:51Here, he will have a physical form until he leaves,
09:54and any danger he may be in will be very real indeed.
10:02Look, I don't know who you are
10:03or what you think you're doing,
10:04but I demand my right to a phone call.
10:09Yes, I thought that'd stop you.
10:11I thought the threat of legal action
10:12would have you running for cover.
10:15Look, I'm trying to keep my temper,
10:16but you really are pushing it like now,
10:18I'm a laddie.
10:23Is this the British Embassy?
10:24Does it even look the remotest bit like the British Embassy?
10:27I want to know who you are,
10:28what I'm doing here,
10:29and I want to know now.
10:30In accordance with the appetites of the Dark One,
10:33malicious ruler of this domain,
10:35we the Hoodie Legions proffer up this sacrifice
10:37to slake the vile, depraved thirstings of the Unspeakable One.
10:41Well, let's clear that up.
10:46Oh, thank God, thank God.
10:49There were some very, very strange men
10:51running around in black hoods with drums
10:53and rather unconvincing red eyes.
10:56Well, thank God you're here.
10:57You know, I actually thought I was in the most awful danger.
11:04Is it me, or has it suddenly got rather hot in here?
11:09What's happening? Why have we stopped?
11:10I don't like the look of that swamp, sir.
11:12I don't think it'll support the bug.
11:13I suggest we continue the journey on foot.
11:16You mean go out there?
11:17Add him to Rimmer's subconscious?
11:19According to the signal, we're almost on top of him.
11:21He wouldn't be more than 200 or 300 metres.
11:22Remember, it's Rimmer's mind out there.
11:27Expect sickness.
11:30I'm a second technician in the Space Corps.
11:32I'm briefed to give you my name and number and nothing more.
11:35I don't know who you people are or what you think you're playing at,
11:38but I'm not going to give you anything else.
11:41You can oil me all you like.
11:43You can use your tongues and your full sensual lips
11:46to caress my erogenous zones onto a plateau of sexual ecstasy.
11:51But I'll tell you now, this nut's not for cracking.
11:57However, if I'll be it for me to change your game plan,
12:01if you absolutely insist on using erotic persuasion to achieve your devious ends,
12:06then so be it.
12:08Just have a large quattro formaggio pizza with extra olives ready at the end.
12:15Er, where are you going?
12:18Er, what are you doing?
12:20My God, are you going to take a flying leap?
12:22We are going to summon the master.
12:25The master?
12:26You have been prepared for him.
12:29This master character,
12:30and I acknowledge I may not want to know the full answer to this one,
12:33but why does he want me oiling particularly?
12:36Obviously, whatever he has in mind
12:38is facilitated by my being slippery and pliant, yes?
12:42He always likes his victims to be oiled.
12:44An oiled body is so much better for conducting the electricity.
12:49Not the best news, but it could have been worse.
13:20Why, Evan,
13:21if you've ever agreed to go for a stroll in Rimmer's psyche,
13:24I will never know.
13:25Oh, terrific.
13:26This gets better and better.
13:29Is it me?
13:30What are those frogs saying?
13:32Useless?
13:33Useless.
13:35Hey, look at this.
13:37You've got a huge, great blood-sucking leach on your neck.
13:41It's got a human face.
13:43It's Rimmer's mum.
13:45Sir, come quickly.
13:47I think I've found a metaphor.
13:48A what?
13:49Look at all these gravestones.
13:50Here lies self-respect.
13:53Died age 24.
13:54They're all aspects of Mr. Rimmer's personality which are dead.
13:58Generosity.
13:58Died age 9.
14:01Self-confidence.
14:02Taken from us.
14:03Age 22.
14:06Honour.
14:06Gone but not forgotten.
14:08Died age 12.
14:10Look at this.
14:11This one's my new.
14:16This one.
14:17This one's freshly dug.
14:18Who's it for?
14:21Psychologically speaking,
14:22Mr. Rimmer may be in far bigger trouble
14:24than any of us ever suspected.
14:25If we don't get to him
14:26before this grave is filled,
14:28we may never get out of this nightmare.
14:43Boy, am I glad to see you.
14:46You must be the unspeakable one.
14:50Just to fill you in,
14:52there's been a gigantic administrative cock-up.
14:55Some of your staff
14:56have somehow mistaken me for a virgin.
14:59Stop your putrid whining,
15:01you dang-tucked
15:02of wrinkled pubic hair.
15:06Sorry.
15:06Yes, I do tend to jabber on a bit
15:09when I'm nervous.
15:12I've never been partial
15:13to physical torture.
15:15It's actually
15:16always been one of my
15:17worst nightmares.
15:19Actually.
15:21Oh, all your nightmares
15:24will come true here.
15:26All of them.
15:28There's got to be somewhere here.
15:30We should be right on top of them.
15:36Whatever that was,
15:37let's hope it's at lunch.
15:38It's right below us.
15:40Who are you?
15:41Here.
15:42And why are you being so horrible to me?
15:44It is you who created me,
15:47nurtured me,
15:48helped me grow strong.
15:50I am the part of you
15:52that hates yourself.
15:54I am your self-loathing.
15:57My self-loathing?
15:59Is it not true
16:01that you despise yourself,
16:03that you detest
16:04your own incompetence
16:05and stupidity,
16:06that you hold yourself
16:08and contempt
16:09for your countless failures
16:10and disappointments?
16:12Is it not true
16:13you feel nothing
16:14but the deepest,
16:15blackest rat fur
16:17for that walking,
16:18vomit stain
16:19the world
16:20towards Arnold River?
16:22Is it not true?
16:24Yes.
16:27Look,
16:27we've got two choices.
16:29Either we go in there
16:29with bazookoids blazing
16:31and try and somehow
16:31get them out of there,
16:33but we sit here like lemons
16:34and watch them get tortured.
16:36Anybody got any afro-glasses?
16:39Supposedly,
16:39boys,
16:39that kills stuff
16:40and bounce.
16:42We're going in.
16:43Try and...
16:59It's my turn now.
17:02Reload.
17:03Sir,
17:03another barrage of bazookoid fire
17:05could start a rock slide
17:06and bury us all.
17:07Reload.
17:08You'd risk your lives for me?
17:09Of course.
17:10You're part of the crew.
17:17What happened?
17:19Weird.
17:20Where'd he go?
17:21There's an old android saying
17:23which I believe
17:23is peculiarly appropriate here.
17:25In binary language,
17:26it goes something like this.
17:3000110011101110
17:3400111100111100
17:34which roughly translated means
17:36don't stand around jabbering
17:38when you're in mortal danger.
17:45Which way?
17:46Well,
17:46we go right
17:47at the swamp of despair,
17:48straight past the wood
17:49of humiliation
17:50and then hard left
17:51at the chasm of hopelessness.
17:53You're a weird guy,
17:54you know that?
18:07Why are you all
18:08looking at me like that?
18:09Like as if
18:10this is all my fault?
18:11Have you any idea
18:12what kind of day I've had?
18:14I've been kidnapped,
18:16stripped,
18:17oiled,
18:17menaced,
18:18manacled,
18:19licked,
18:19nibbled,
18:20chained,
18:20tauted,
18:21humiliated
18:21and I nearly had
18:22a knobbly thing
18:23the size and shape
18:24of a Mexican agave cactus
18:25jammed up
18:26where only customers men
18:27dare to probe.
18:29Don't you know
18:30what this place is?
18:31Yes,
18:31it's a hellhole,
18:32it's a nightmare,
18:34it's a stinking infested
18:35pit of putridness.
18:37Rume,
18:37it's your mind?
18:39He's right, sir,
18:40this is a psi moon.
18:42Its terrain
18:42was landscaped
18:43by your psyche.
18:45So,
18:46so what are you saying
18:47to me?
18:48That thing,
18:49that beast,
18:50that lives inside
18:51my mind?
18:52Metaphorically,
18:53yes, sir.
18:54Self-loathing?
18:55I don't loathe myself.
18:57What is there
18:58one could possibly
18:58loathe about me?
18:59Would you like
19:00the list, sir?
19:02What list?
19:03Well,
19:03there's the fact
19:04that you were despised
19:05by your parents
19:05for failing to achieve
19:06their standards,
19:07the fact that your
19:08three brothers
19:08were all such high flyers
19:10in the Space Corps
19:10and you ended up
19:11servicing chicken soup machines,
19:13there's your
19:13inability to form
19:15long-term relationships
19:16with anyone,
19:17your cowardliness,
19:18your lack of charm,
19:19honour or grace
19:20and the awful knowledge
19:21that throughout
19:22your entire life
19:22no one has ever
19:23truly liked you
19:24because you are
19:24so fundamentally
19:25unlikable.
19:28Oh, that.
19:29Please don't interrupt, sir.
19:31I'm only halfway
19:31through my list.
19:33Now, where was I?
19:34I think he's got
19:35the point, Clayton.
19:36Oh, God.
19:38I'm such a mess.
19:41What's that?
19:42Trouble with it.
19:43Quicksand.
19:44We're being sucked down.
19:45Get the rest, Rose.
19:46Can't get any lift
19:47but they're keeping us
19:47stable.
19:48Ten minutes
19:48while they burn out.
19:49Okay.
19:50I say let's get into
19:51the jet-powered rocket pants
19:52and junior bird man
19:53the hell out of here.
19:54An excellent
19:55and inventive
19:56suggestion, sir,
19:57with just two
19:58tiny drawbacks.
19:59A, we don't have
20:00any jet-powered rocket pants.
20:03And B, there's no such thing
20:04as jet-powered rocket pants
20:06outside the
20:07fictional serial
20:08Robbie Rocket Pants.
20:10Well, that's put a crimp
20:12on an otherwise
20:12damn fine plan.
20:15Hang on.
20:16I'm getting a powerful
20:17energy emission.
20:18Hand over the worm
20:20and your lives
20:21will be spared.
20:22My quarrel
20:24is not with you.
20:25It's with that
20:26excremental smear
20:28who cowers amongst you.
20:29If you attempt
20:30to shield him,
20:31then I shall unleash
20:33the full,
20:34terrible fury
20:35of my hooded odds
20:36against you.
20:37You have ten minutes.
20:39Where are you going?
20:41Where do you think
20:42I'm going?
20:42You heard him.
20:44If I don't hand myself over,
20:45he's going to throw
20:45everything he's got
20:46at Starbuck.
20:47What?
20:47You're really going
20:48to give yourself up?
20:49No, I'm going down
20:49to the engine rooms
20:50to cower behind
20:51one of the boilers.
20:52And I suggest you all
20:53find ingenious places
20:55to tremble behind, too.
20:56If you want my opinion,
20:57the only way anyone's
20:58going to get out of here alive
20:59is by working out somewhere
21:00killing that thing.
21:01But how?
21:01The bazookoids
21:02were totally ineffective
21:03against it.
21:03It's invulnerable.
21:04We're finished.
21:09Crease retros to max.
21:11Now stable.
21:12Now, wait a minute.
21:15This is all your fault,
21:17you know, you little glove
21:19of tuberculotic sputum.
21:24Interesting.
21:26Sir, you are a cruddy
21:28little scud ball
21:29with all the innate
21:30lovability of an itchy
21:32veruca.
21:34Excellent.
21:35Mr. Lister,
21:36cat, confabulation
21:37in the cockpit.
21:39Not you, sir.
21:44Sirs, I think I have it.
21:46The real enemy
21:47is not out there.
21:48It is in Starbug
21:49with us.
21:49The real enemy
21:50is inside Mr. Rimmer's
21:51head.
21:52Nice plan.
21:53So we remove his hair
21:55and everything's cool, right?
21:56Now, wait a minute.
21:58That's gone right up my flagpole,
22:00that has, Clayton.
22:01I'm saluting that one.
22:02What?
22:03When we first drove back
22:04the beast in the cavern,
22:05it wasn't a bazookoid fire
22:07that forced him into the pit.
22:08It was when you told Rimmer
22:09that we wouldn't desert him.
22:11Not precisely.
22:11So if we can make Rimmer
22:12feel wanted,
22:13feel cared about,
22:14if we can make him
22:15feel good about himself,
22:17somehow restore his
22:18self-esteem and his pride,
22:20that will automatically
22:21vanquish the self-loathing beast,
22:22or at least debilitate it
22:24long enough for us
22:24to break free
22:25of this quicksand
22:26and get off
22:26this godforsaken
22:27cymoon.
22:28How do we make him
22:28feel good?
22:30What is there about him
22:31to feel good about?
22:32We've got to tell him
22:33we love him.
22:34Ah, you're sick!
22:35I don't want no part
22:37of this depravity.
22:38And he must not suspect
22:39we are insincere.
22:41Our lives depend on it.
22:42Ready?
22:43I'll never be ready.
22:52Listen, we've been talking
22:54and the three of us
22:54have decided to stay with you
22:56and face the danger.
22:57All for one and that,
22:58you know.
22:58Really?
22:59Sir, I'd just like to
23:00take this opportunity
23:01to say that you're
23:02a very beautiful person.
23:05What he means is
23:06that we're all
23:06facing certain death here
23:07and I think it's about time
23:08we let each other know
23:09exactly how we feel
23:10about each other.
23:11You think that's a good idea?
23:13It's just that guys
23:14generally aren't terrific
23:15at, you know,
23:17expressing their feelings.
23:18Yeah, they kid around
23:19and insult each other
23:20and stuff.
23:20And what they really mean is
23:23well, they can't take
23:24the stuff they really mean.
23:25What are you trying
23:25to tell me?
23:26I'm just trying to say
23:28that whatever happens here
23:29I want you to know
23:31I really care about you.
23:37We all do, sir.
23:41It's true.
23:42They really do care about you.
23:45Only this morning
23:46you referred to me
23:47as a cancerous polyp
23:48on the anus of humanity.
23:51In an affectionate way.
23:53In a kid and around
23:54joke and friendly
23:55affectionate way.
23:56Sir, what he's trying to say
23:57is we may never get
23:58another opportunity
23:58to articulate our feelings
24:00and I, for one,
24:01would just like to
24:02take this opportunity
24:03to say that you're
24:03a splendid man
24:05and a much-respected
24:06colleague and a
24:07gosh-darn-it
24:08damn good friend.
24:11We're getting some lift.
24:12Wait a minute.
24:15I know why you're doing this.
24:16Going down.
24:17You're trying to make me
24:18feel guilty, aren't you?
24:19It's a transparent attempt
24:21to shame me
24:22into doing
24:22the honourable thing.
24:23No, it's not at all.
24:25What gave you that idea?
24:26Well, why is it, then?
24:27Our number's up here
24:28and I don't want to go out
24:29without setting
24:30the record straight.
24:31It's not easy to say
24:32this one man to another,
24:33but I love you, man.
24:37I really, really love you.
24:40Going up?
24:41I think it might be
24:42a good idea at this time
24:43if we try and get into
24:44a kind of
24:45four-way hug situation.
24:47What's wrong with you?
24:49I don't think people
24:50touch enough, sir.
24:50I think people should
24:51touch more.
24:52I love you, Arnie.
24:53Oh, this is a beautiful man,
24:55big man.
24:55This is a beautiful moment,
24:56isn't it?
24:56You're a big man.
24:57We love you, AJ.
24:59Quick, get in the cockpit.
25:00There's something very strange
25:01happening out there.
25:13Charge, my hordes of darkness.
25:15Break me the head
25:16of the despicable one.
25:19Get it!
25:25Have a good bitterness.
25:28Take that, self-doubt.
25:34Die like the dog you are,
25:36mistrust.
25:38Feel my blade, loneliness.
25:40May your foulness rot in hell.
25:43You're getting some lift.
25:4820 metres, that's enough for a liftoff.
25:50We're almost clear.
25:57It was all baloney, wasn't it?
26:00What was?
26:01All that hugging stuff back there.
26:03It was just a way of escaping,
26:04wasn't it?
26:04I mean, you didn't really feel
26:06that deep down I'm an okay sort of bloke,
26:08that I'm not such a bad old stick
26:10once you get to know me.
26:11You didn't really mean any of that,
26:12did you?
26:14No!
26:19It's cold outside,
26:21there's no kind of atmosphere,
26:23I'm all alone,
26:25more or less.
26:26Let me fly,
26:28far away from here.
26:30Fun, fun, fun,
26:32In the sun,
26:34in the sun,
26:34In the sun,
26:35I walk to live
26:38Shipwrecks and comatons
26:40Drinking fresh mango juice
26:43Goldfish showers
26:45Nibbling at my toes
26:46Fun, fun, fun
26:49In the sun,
26:52sun
26:53Fun,
26:55In the sun,
26:58sun,
27:01sun
Comments