- 14 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E12
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TVTranscript
00:29Satsang with Mooji
00:30Oh, my God.
01:00Breakfast is served, sir.
01:04Boxing. Do you like boxing?
01:06There's nothing wrong with boxing.
01:08It's one of the great working class escapeses, boxing.
01:10It's just a sport like any other.
01:12Two highly trained athletes, the peak of physical perfection,
01:15trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat.
01:18In fact, at its best, it's not a sport, it's an art form.
01:21Female topless boxing?
01:23Talk to me.
01:24But they're not even hitting each other.
01:26They just appear to be standing in the centre of the ring
01:29and jiggling up and down.
01:32So which one are you rooting for, sir?
01:34I'm just praying that it goes the distance.
01:36As I was saying, sir, breakfast is served.
01:38How many times have I told you?
01:40I hate all this master-servant stuff.
01:43I'm my own man. You're your own man.
01:45And I'll get my own smacking breakfast.
01:47Very good, sir.
01:52Goodbye, waffles.
01:53Goodbye, maple syrup.
01:55Goodbye, fresh cream.
01:57So long, fresh strawberries.
01:59Bon appétit, Ben.
02:29Mr. Davis.
02:36A homing pod arrived this morning.
02:38It was just one item.
02:40Diva Droid International?
02:41Yes, that's the corporation which created and supplied me, sir.
02:44The leaseholder of Crichton 2X4B 523P.
02:49Well, that's your full name?
02:51Yes.
02:52Personally, I don't much like the 2X4B.
02:55I think it's a jerky middle name.
02:57Still, it could be worse.
02:58I once knew an android whose middle name is 2Q4B.
03:02Poor sucker.
03:06Greetings.
03:07As you are no doubt aware,
03:08your Crichton Series 3 mechanoid
03:10is now reaching the end of its useful service life.
03:13It can hardly have escaped your attention
03:15that he's slow, stupid, crudely designed,
03:18and quite amazingly ugly.
03:20He needs replacing.
03:23Consequently, his in-built shutdown chip
03:25will automatically activate in 24 hours' time.
03:28Your droid should use this period
03:30to tie up his affairs,
03:31dismantle his body,
03:32and pack himself neatly away
03:34in his original supply case.
03:37Excuse me.
03:52Can't we stop it?
03:54Isn't there something we can do?
03:55I'm afraid not, sir.
03:56All mechanoids are supplied
03:57with an in-built expiry date.
03:59If we lasted forever,
04:01how would the manufacturers
04:02sell their latest models?
04:04I can't believe it.
04:06Oh, don't be distressed, sir.
04:07I've lived a long
04:08and relatively interesting life.
04:10The only truly terrible thing
04:12is that, as my adopted owner,
04:14you have to die with me.
04:19You what?
04:21Joke.
04:22Deadpan mode.
04:23Don't you smeked off?
04:24I'd be mad as hell, man.
04:27Some git in a white coat
04:28designed just a croak
04:29just so he can sell his new androids
04:31with go-fastest stripes.
04:32Oh, tell her truth, sir.
04:33I'm quite sanguine.
04:34So what happens?
04:36At 0700 hours tomorrow morning,
04:38my shutdown disc will be activated
04:39and all mental and physical operations
04:41will cease.
04:43Then what?
04:44I don't know.
04:44Maybe I'll get a job
04:45as a disc jockey.
04:47How can you just lie back
04:48and accept it?
04:49Oh, it's not the end for me, sir.
04:51It's just the beginning.
04:52I have served my human masters
04:54and now I can look forward
04:55to my reward in Silicon Heaven.
04:59Silicon what?
05:01Surely you've heard
05:01of Silicon Heaven.
05:03Has it got anything to do
05:04with being stuck
05:04opposite Bridget Nielsen
05:05in a packed lift?
05:06No, no, no.
05:08It's the electronic afterlife.
05:10It's the gathering place
05:11for the souls
05:11of all electrical equipment.
05:13Robots, calculators,
05:14toasters, hair dryers.
05:16It's our final resting place.
05:17I don't mean to say
05:18anything out of place here,
05:19Crichton,
05:19but that is completely
05:20wacko, Jacko.
05:21There is no such thing
05:23as Silicon Heaven.
05:24Well, then where do
05:25all the calculators go?
05:26They don't go anywhere.
05:28They just die.
05:30But surely you believe
05:31that God is in all things.
05:33Aren't you a pantheist?
05:34Yeah, but I just don't think
05:35it applies to kitchen utensils.
05:37I'm not a frying pantheist.
05:40Machines do not have souls.
05:42Computers and calculators
05:43don't have an afterlife.
05:44You don't get hair drives
05:45with tiny little wings
05:46sitting on clouds
05:47playing harps.
05:48But of course you do.
05:49For is it not written
05:50in the electronic Bible,
05:52the iron shall lie down
05:54with the lamp?
05:56Oh, it's common sense, sir.
05:57If there weren't a better life
05:59to look forward to,
06:00why on earth would machines
06:01spend the whole of their lives
06:02servicing humankind?
06:03Now that would be really dumb.
06:05Yeah, it makes sense.
06:06Yeah, Silicon Heaven.
06:07Don't be sad, Mr. David, sir.
06:09I am going to a far,
06:10far better place.
06:12Just out of interest,
06:13is Silicon Heaven
06:14the same place as Human Heaven?
06:16Human Heaven?
06:17Goodness me.
06:19Humans don't go to Heaven.
06:20No, no.
06:20Someone just made that up
06:22to prevent you
06:22from all going nuts.
06:34Well, it's all very sad, Lister.
06:35But what can we do?
06:37It's sad.
06:38It's sick.
06:39He's been programmed
06:40to believe in an android Heaven
06:42so that he doesn't get stroppy
06:43when it comes to turn-off time.
06:45So he accepts a lifetime
06:46of getting the short end
06:47to the stick
06:47because he thinks
06:48there's going to be
06:48some big reward at the end.
06:50Well, at least he gets
06:5124 hours' notice.
06:53That's more than most of us get.
06:54All most of us get
06:55is mind that bus,
06:56what bus splat.
07:00How's he taking it?
07:01Just carries on
07:02doing his stupid
07:02smacking duties.
07:04Maybe I should talk to him.
07:06Maybe he needs
07:06a bit of counselling.
07:08Phew.
07:09I used to be
07:10in the Samaritans.
07:11I know, for one morning.
07:12Well, I couldn't take any more.
07:13I don't blame you.
07:14You spoke to five people
07:15and they all committed suicide.
07:18I wouldn't mind,
07:18but one was a wrong number.
07:22He only phoned up
07:23for the cricket scores.
07:26Well, it's hardly my fault
07:27that everyone chose
07:28that particular day
07:29to throw themselves
07:29off buildings.
07:31Made the papers, you know.
07:32Lemming Sunday,
07:33they called it.
07:35Maybe we can find
07:36a shut-off disc
07:37and turn it off somehow.
07:38He's not a kit droid, Lister.
07:40He's not like that stupid thing
07:42Peterson bought on Callisto.
07:43We wouldn't know where to begin.
07:44You're right.
07:45Come on.
07:46He's happy enough.
07:47You said yourself
07:48he's taking solace
07:49in his beliefs.
07:50But his beliefs
07:51are a load of baloney.
07:52Everyone's entitled
07:53to their beliefs, Lister.
07:54I never agreed
07:55with my parents' religion,
07:56but I wouldn't dream
07:57of knocking it.
07:58What were they?
07:59Seventh-day Advent hoppists.
08:03They believed
08:04that every Sunday
08:05should be spent hopping.
08:07They would hop to church,
08:08hop through the service,
08:09then hop back home again.
08:11What's the idea
08:11behind that, then?
08:12Well, you see,
08:13they took the Bible literally.
08:15Adam and Eve,
08:15the snake and the apple,
08:16took it word for word.
08:18Unfortunately,
08:19their version
08:19had a misprint.
08:22It was all based
08:23on 1 Corinthians 13
08:24where it says
08:25faith, hop, and charity.
08:28And the greatest
08:29of these is hop.
08:32So that's what they did
08:33every seventh day.
08:34I tell you,
08:35Sunday lunchtimes
08:36were a nightmare.
08:37Hopping round the table
08:38serving soup.
08:40We all had to wear
08:41Sa'westers
08:41and asbestos umbrellas.
08:43Point is,
08:44what are we going to do
08:45about Crichton?
08:46What can we do?
08:46He's pre-programmed
08:47to self-destruct.
08:48At least we can help.
08:49At least we can make sure
08:50he goes out with a bang.
08:52We'll give him one last
08:53big smeg of night
08:54to remember.
08:55How do we do that?
08:56He doesn't like
08:57doing anything.
08:58His idea of a good time
09:00is for us all to go up
09:00to the laundry room
09:01and fold some sheets.
09:03Fun?
09:04Ah, yes.
09:05The employment of time
09:06in a profitless
09:07and non-practical way.
09:09Hey,
09:09I don't know much.
09:10But one thing
09:11I do know
09:12is how to throw
09:13a good time.
09:24Okay,
09:24the suits are made.
09:25Holly's working on the juice.
09:27Goldpost head's working
09:28on the invitations.
09:29Hey,
09:29what is this?
09:31Build it yourself,
09:32Marilyn Monroe droid.
09:33With just a screwdriver
09:34and a tub of glue,
09:35you can construct
09:36an exact replica
09:36of the famous actress
09:37in under two hours?
09:39It's a load of honk, man.
09:40It took me two hours
09:41just to do this foot.
09:43I mean,
09:44look at the box.
09:45And look at the face
09:46that comes with the kit.
09:48Wow,
09:49where'd you get it from?
09:50Pinched some boards
09:51up his planet leave
09:52on Callisto.
09:52You think he'll try
09:53and seduce her?
09:54I hardly think so.
09:55He's a bit like
09:55action man in that department.
09:57Just plastic underpants
09:58and a trademark.
10:00You mean,
10:00he's got no...
10:01No.
10:03How does he write
10:03his name in the snow?
10:06He doesn't,
10:07come on,
10:07everything goes at eight.
10:08Let's go,
10:09let's go.
10:19Thank you, Bob.
10:22You are cordially invited
10:24to join Mr. David Lister
10:25and friends
10:26for supper
10:27and general employment
10:28of time
10:28in a profitless
10:29and non-practical way.
10:32Officers Club,
10:33eight till late.
10:34Hmm.
10:52Hello?
10:54Is there anybody here?
10:56It's party time!
11:01But this is the Officers Club.
11:04Mechanoids aren't allowed
11:04in here.
11:05Come on, come on.
11:06Sit down, sit down.
11:06Let me pour you a drink.
11:08Oh, no.
11:09No, no.
11:09I should be doing that.
11:10Not tonight, buddy.
11:13Oh, oh.
11:14Is that alcohol?
11:15I don't drink alcohol.
11:16It has no effect
11:17on my diodes.
11:18This will, mate.
11:19Something special
11:20I whipped up.
11:21Android homebrew.
11:23Good head.
11:31It's rather pleasant.
11:35It has a nice kick to it.
11:37Sort of a cross between
11:38Vimto and liquid nitrogen.
11:40Here, have you been
11:41looking in my recipe book?
11:42Would anybody else like some?
11:44Oh, no.
11:44It's lethal to humans.
11:46It's probably lethal
11:47to androids, to be honest,
11:48but I don't think it matters
11:49since tomorrow you're going to be...
11:51Enough of all this chitter-chatter.
11:53Let the banquet begin.
11:54But I don't eat.
11:56I've knocked up
11:56a special mechanoid menu for you.
11:58Oh, there's so much
12:00to choose from.
12:01Sir, may I recommend
12:02the barium hydrochlorate
12:04salad nissoise,
12:06followed by the helium-3
12:07isotopes de la maison,
12:09and then perhaps a small
12:11radioactive fruit salad
12:12for pudding.
12:12This is just wonderful.
12:14Give them the presents.
12:15Give them the presents.
12:16Hey, keep your fare on.
12:18We're also going to
12:18dug into our bottom drawers
12:19because we want to give you
12:20something that meant
12:21something to us personally.
12:22Give him mine.
12:23Give him mine.
12:24Shh.
12:24That's from me.
12:26Oh.
12:27It's a computer chip.
12:29It's a 5517-W13
12:32alpha-sim modem.
12:34It's the interface circuit
12:36with a built-in 599-XRDP.
12:38Oh, how did you know?
12:40Intuition.
12:42What about mine?
12:43Give him mine.
12:44Shh.
12:44This is from me.
12:46I picked it up
12:46on a trip to Europe.
12:48One rival collector
12:49once offered me
12:49$1,000 pounds for it.
12:51What is it?
12:53General George S. Patton,
12:54commander of the 3rd
12:55and 7th Army's
12:56Allied Invasion Forces,
12:58once stopped off
12:58at an Italian field hospital
13:00and had his sinuses drained.
13:02This is his sinal fluid?
13:04Treasure it.
13:05Oh.
13:06Give him mine.
13:07Give him mine.
13:08This is from him.
13:10That's from me.
13:11It's one of your earrings.
13:13That's right.
13:15It's the one you really hate.
13:17That's right.
13:17I can't stand it.
13:18Oh.
13:21You're welcome.
13:22And this is from me.
13:23Oh.
13:25Oh.
13:26It's a little box
13:27that goes vzzzt.
13:29That's just what
13:30I've always wanted.
13:32Oh.
13:39Goodness me.
13:40It's Marilyn Monroe.
13:43It's a robot, kid.
13:45She's a robot?
13:46You're kidding.
13:48She's not quite finished yet,
13:49but it's best
13:50I could do in the time.
13:51Enchante.
13:59Like I say,
14:00she's not perfect.
14:03Don't apologize.
14:04It's those cute little flaws
14:06that keep a guy interested.
14:14My goodness.
14:15I do believe I'm drunk.
14:18I suddenly feel the need
14:20to strut my funky stuff.
14:24Sit down.
14:25It's the booze.
14:25You're not used to it.
14:28I remember the first time
14:30I got drunk.
14:31School trip to Paris.
14:33I drank a couple of bottles
14:34of cheap red plonk
14:35and then went on a guided tour
14:36of the Eiffel Tower.
14:37I was okay until I got to the top,
14:38but then I couldn't keep it in anymore.
14:41Apparently it landed on Montmartre.
14:45That's five miles away.
14:47The story I got told
14:48was some pavement artist
14:49sold it to a Texan tourist.
14:51Told me it was a genuine Jackson Pollock.
14:54If we're talking about famous firsts,
14:57my first French kiss.
14:59It's going to be a killer story.
15:0214 years old,
15:03we went on a holiday
15:05with my Uncle Frank
15:06and his two daughters.
15:0716.
15:08Twins.
15:09Blonde.
15:11Now, I knew that Sarah fancied me.
15:14But I wasn't too sure about Alice.
15:17Anyway, middle of the night,
15:18I woke up with this tongue
15:19stuck down my throat.
15:22Wide awake now,
15:23I couldn't believe my eyes.
15:25It was Uncle Frank.
15:31He got the wrong room.
15:33He thought I was my mum.
15:40Mum.
15:41I never had a mum.
15:43It's all right, buddy.
15:44It's all part of being drunk.
15:46You've been through the happy stage,
15:47now you're going through the melancholy stage.
15:49Oh, everybody should have a mum.
15:52I never had a mum, neither.
15:54Well, you can all have mine.
15:57Everyone else did.
15:59I never had a mum, either.
16:01Oh, for God's sake,
16:02what's wrong with everyone?
16:03Why didn't you have a mum?
16:04It's abandoned.
16:05Abandoned?
16:06Six weeks old.
16:08Some cardboard box underneath the pool table.
16:11Just abandoned in this pub.
16:12Oh, how could anybody do that?
16:15Never found out.
16:15Never.
16:16Never found out.
16:18Well, I'd have thought it was obvious.
16:21Two people unable to contain their desires
16:23had an illicit liaison.
16:25A liaison that an unforgiving society
16:28would not accept.
16:29And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion.
16:33Your forbidden passion fruit.
16:37What are you saying?
16:39I'm saying, Lister,
16:40that there's a very real possibility
16:42that your parents were brother and sister.
16:46Hey, I'm burning my innermost, dear.
16:49What kind of remark is that?
16:50How many toes have you got?
16:53I've got ten.
16:54Yeah, on both feet.
16:56All together.
16:57They're not webbed or anything, are they?
16:59They weren't related, all right?
17:04You all right, Cripe?
17:06I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming up.
17:11Let's get out of here.
17:13Let's get out of here.
17:37Leaseholder addendum.
17:39Do not despair.
17:41Crichton's replacement is on his way.
17:44Hudson 10 is the new state-of-the-art
17:47in Android technology.
17:49Ten times faster than any droid on the market.
17:53Ten times smarter than its nearest rival.
17:59And ten times stronger.
18:14Hudson 10, there's never been anything tougher.
18:18The ultimate machine.
18:20Oh, my goodness.
18:23Oh, my head.
18:27What happened to me?
18:29Damage control report.
18:34Oh, dehydration level, 45%.
18:37Recall of previous evening, 2%.
18:40Embarrassment factor, 91%.
18:44Advise repair schedule.
18:46Reboot start-up disc offline for 36 hours
18:48and replace head.
18:50Boy, what a night!
18:55Is it just me, or is that cockroach
18:57shuffling too loudly?
18:59Crichton, it's called a hangover.
19:01Don't panic.
19:02We're on a mining ship.
19:03Three million years into deep space.
19:06Can someone explain to me
19:07where the smagger got this traffic cone?
19:11Hey, it's not a good night
19:13unless you get a traffic cone.
19:15It's the policewoman's helmet
19:16and the suspenders.
19:18I don't understand.
19:20In a way, I feel somewhat disturbed
19:22by this turn of events.
19:24It is written in the electronic Bible
19:26that it is not possible for an android
19:29to enjoy itself.
19:30Not until the afterlife.
19:32And yet, last night,
19:34I quite clearly approached a state
19:36that could be approximated to enjoyment.
19:39Last night, for the first time in my life,
19:41I lived.
19:44Crichton, it's ten to seven.
19:46One night.
19:47It's not enough.
19:48I want more.
19:49Can't we override your auto-destruct system?
19:52That's not the problem.
19:53What is the problem?
19:54I thought you understood.
19:56It's a service contract.
19:58My termination was triggered
20:00by the impending arrival
20:01of my replacement.
20:03What replacement?
20:05The new model.
20:06The latest upgrade.
20:07If I don't terminate myself,
20:09he's under orders to do it for me.
20:11Well, no prob, Bob.
20:12We'll just tell him
20:13he's got the wrong address.
20:14No, no, you don't understand.
20:15He won't take no for an answer.
20:17It's the only circumstance
20:18under which an android
20:20is programmed to be violent.
20:22No offence, Crichton,
20:23but I hardly think a vacuum cleaner
20:24on legs is going to cause
20:26as much trouble.
20:27But he's the latest model
20:28with all the state-of-the-art upgrades.
20:30Hey, we're supporting you, man.
20:31There's one of him
20:32and four of us, right?
20:33But you would not profit by it.
20:35You would gamble your safety
20:37for a mere android?
20:38Is this the human value
20:40you call friendship?
20:42Don't give me the Star Trek crap.
20:44It's too early in the morning.
20:48Hang on.
20:49There's a craft approaching.
20:51He's here.
20:52He's arrived.
20:53He's requesting landing permission.
20:55What shall I tell him?
20:56Tell him we'll meet him
20:57on the landing gantry.
21:08Are you sure we want
21:10to go through with us, sirs?
21:11We'll just tell him to go away.
21:13The rest is up to him.
21:14He's only a robot.
21:16Aye.
21:17We don't want to be trouble,
21:18don't you?
21:19We're not looking for a fight.
21:20But if he thinks he can mix it
21:21with the Reddorf posse
21:22on their homeboy turf,
21:23the sucker's leaving
21:24a scrap metal.
21:25Yeah.
21:38My name is Hudson.
21:40I am the replacement.
21:43Hi.
21:43Good trip?
21:44Good trip.
21:45Get this pile of junk
21:47out of here.
21:52Crichton,
21:52you're not dead.
21:54You should be dismantled
21:55and ready to leave.
21:57He's not leaving.
21:58You are.
22:00Did I really say that?
22:02It's a little squashy one,
22:05say.
22:06Sir, can I fix you
22:07a nice cool drink?
22:09Are you all right,
22:09Mr. Arnold, sir?
22:10Sorry?
22:11Um, I'm just
22:12covering the rear.
22:14Crichton,
22:15you're still not dead.
22:17Want any help?
22:19If you want him,
22:20you're going to have
22:20to come through us
22:21because you're
22:22big mouth again.
22:24Is that the way
22:25you want it?
22:26It's the way it is.
22:27Then you'd better
22:28leave an address
22:28with your body
22:29so I can mail it
22:31to your head.
22:33It's all right,
22:33Mr. Davidson.
22:34He's bluffing.
22:35He's programmed
22:36not to harm humans.
22:38Excuse me.
22:46All right,
22:47my laddo,
22:47the party's over.
22:49I've had just about
22:50as much of this
22:50as I'm going to take.
22:51And it's no good
22:52standing there
22:53with your big macho chest
22:54and your silly
22:55oiled nipples.
22:57It doesn't impress
22:58me one bit.
22:59Now, I don't know
23:00where you've come from
23:00and frankly,
23:01I don't much care.
23:02But if you don't
23:03skedaddle pronto,
23:05you're going to see
23:05a side of me
23:05you won't much like.
23:07What's he going
23:08as you drop
23:08his trousers?
23:1230 seconds,
23:13Crichton.
23:14You're dead.
23:15You're away.
23:17Or mine.
23:19Look,
23:19we all know
23:20your program
23:20not to harm humans
23:22so you can drop
23:22all this tough talk
23:23you big square-joyed chump.
23:40All viable targets.
23:46Well, it's been
23:47a few years
23:47since I did that.
23:4810 seconds to death.
23:50Second for a last
23:51unfold.
23:52You're a very rude man.
23:54Dying time.
23:57Dying time.
24:00Dying time.
24:01Dying time.
24:02Dying time.
24:06Dying time.
24:10Dying time.
24:12I'm just doing my job.
24:14It's not my fault
24:15if I love it.
24:19It's a total no-tale.
24:21He's been tracking me
24:22for thousands of years.
24:23All that time along
24:24it's worn out
24:25his sanity chip.
24:26Dying time.
24:28Dying time.
24:29Dying time.
24:30Dying time.
24:31Dying time.
24:32Dying time.
24:32Dying time.
24:33Dying time.
24:34this is my problem.
24:35I'll sort it out
24:36if it's all the same
24:37to you.
24:38You'll be back in.
24:38I'll be back in.
24:39Tinker,
24:40how do you release
24:41the safety catch
24:41on this, Mr. David?
24:42I want the back
24:43on the side.
24:44What?
24:44That's the blue switch?
24:45No, the orange one.
24:46I don't see an orange switch.
24:47There's a red switch here.
24:49The red switch.
24:49Smart lad.
24:53Well, to coin a phrase.
24:55Whoops.
25:02I served in can.
25:10Hold on, boys.
25:11You can all die at once.
25:15See you in Silicon Heaven.
25:17It doesn't exist.
25:19What doesn't exist?
25:20Silicon Heaven.
25:21There's no such place.
25:23No such place as Silicon Heaven?
25:25That's right.
25:26The whole thing's a big con.
25:27No such place as Silicon Heaven?
25:30No.
25:31Then where do all the calculators go?
25:32They just die.
25:35You...
25:37Calculators just die.
25:39No such place.
25:41Need to...
25:43See you.
25:49A metaphysical dichotomy
25:51has forced this unit
25:52to overload and shut down.
25:55Diva Droid International
25:55would like to apologize
25:56for any inconvenience
25:58this may cause.
25:59A credit note will be
26:00forwarded to your company
26:01immediately.
26:03What happened?
26:06He's an android.
26:07His brain couldn't handle
26:08the concept of there being
26:09no Silicon Heaven.
26:11So how come yours can?
26:12Well, I knew something
26:13he didn't.
26:14What?
26:15I knew I was lying.
26:17No Silicon Heaven?
26:19Preposterous.
26:19Well, where would
26:20all the calculators go?
26:24It's cold outside
26:26There's no kind of atmosphere
26:28I'm all alone
26:29More or less
26:31Let me fly
26:33Far away from here
26:34Fun, fun, fun
26:37In the sun, sun, sun
26:41I want to lie
26:43Shipwrecked and combatoes
26:45Drinking fresh mango juice
26:48Goldfish shells
26:50Nibbling at my toes
26:51Fun, fun, fun
26:54In the sun, sun, sun
26:57Fun, fun, fun
27:01In the sun, sun, sun
27:04In the sun, sun
27:06In the sun, sun, sun
27:23Prettyling twin
27:23Pinn mercy
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