- 19 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E7
Category
📺
TVTranscript
01:59That's crazy. Is it me?
02:01You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation.
02:07She'll never leave Fred and we know it.
02:48I'll just put Crichton.
02:52Can you see that space vehicle?
02:54Where?
02:56That one?
02:57Yes, sir.
02:58And can you read the registration for me, please?
03:02Starbug one?
03:03Right, if you'd like to show me to your vehicle, please.
03:08Right. In your own time, if you'd like to start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors and
03:13off into outer space.
03:22Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet, once there, I want you to bring the vehicle to
03:27a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering, of course, at all times to pay due care
03:32and attention to any other space users.
03:35Right, in your own time, in your own time, in your own time, in your own time.
04:05Please.
04:07Please.
04:07And you grab.
04:08Check.
04:10Retro.
04:10Check.
04:11Boosters.
04:12Check.
04:14And very gently, ease forward.
04:23I think there's something wrong with the gearbox.
04:26The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2.
04:29I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1.
04:32They're exactly the same.
04:33Yes, that's the problem.
04:42Next, I'd like you to transfer to autopilot while we conduct the recognition tests.
04:50Engage autopilot.
04:52Autopilot engaged.
04:53Well, I say autopilot.
04:54It's not really autopilot, is it?
04:56It's me.
04:56It's mugging zeroes to do it.
04:59Right, what's that one?
05:00Heavy traffic.
05:01Keep to your assigned space lane.
05:03That one?
05:04Uh, danger.
05:05Space mirage is ahead.
05:08Stopping distances.
05:09You're travelling half the speed of light.
05:11What is the stopping distance?
05:12Four years, three months.
05:14And the thinking time?
05:15A fortnight.
05:18Space phenomena.
05:19What's that?
05:19A pulsar.
05:20And that one?
05:21A binary star.
05:23What's that one?
05:24A time hole.
05:25Don't help him.
05:26It's a time hole.
05:27No, it isn't.
05:28It's nothing like a time hole.
05:29It's a time hole.
05:30It is.
05:31It's a time hole.
05:32A time hole is a phenomenon rarely seen in space, which legend would have us believe transports
05:37us into another part of space and time.
05:39Whereas that is quite obviously a blue giant about to go supernova.
05:42That is a time hole.
05:45All right, how's this?
06:07I suppose you're going to fail me for this.
06:15What is this place?
06:18Holly?
06:19Is it possible?
06:20Can this be Earth?
06:21Certainly seems that way.
06:23Constellations match gravity exactly one G.
06:25What's the time period?
06:26Well, it's difficult to pin it down exactly, but according to all the available data, I would
06:31estimate it's round about lunchtime.
06:34Maybe half one.
06:36What period in history, dingleberry breath?
06:39I mean, can we expect to see Genghis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the
06:44hill?
06:44Or a herd of flesh-eating dinosaurs feeding off the bones of Doug McClure?
06:49What is the year?
06:50Well, I'd need some more data before I could give you a precise answer.
06:54Like?
06:55Well, this year's calendar would be Andy.
06:58I've never been to Earth before.
07:00I've only seen it on photographs.
07:01It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter.
07:12Nodnoll, 871 cellet.
07:15Nodnoll, where's Nodnoll?
07:17It's London.
07:18London, 178 miles.
07:21It's backwards.
07:21Shh, a truck.
07:23Oh, it's probably going to hit that box.
07:29There's a perfectly rational explanation for all this.
07:36Then again, possibly not.
07:47Holly, what the snag is going on?
07:49Everything's going backwards.
07:51It's perfectly consistent with current theory.
07:54Everything starts with a big bang, right?
07:57And the universe starts expanding.
07:59Eventually, when it's expanding as far as it can, there's the big crunch, right?
08:03And everything starts contracting.
08:06Perfectly possible that time starts running in the opposite direction as well.
08:09Oh, so is this Earth?
08:11Oh, it's Earth, all right.
08:13Only Earth where time's going backwards.
08:42Oh, it's Earth, all right.
08:57All right.
08:58Seriously, sir?
08:59There's a...
09:00Flo-ba-da-ble-ble-ble-ble-ble.
09:11What are you doing?
09:12Well, you said look inconspicuous.
09:16Don't be idiotic.
09:18But if people see my face, what are they going to think?
09:21Tell them you had an accident.
09:23Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out.
09:34I got a newspaper.
09:36What's the year?
09:3839-91.
09:39No, it's 1993.
09:41It's backwards.
09:43I'll switch to reverse mode.
09:46Three brought to life in Bank Raid.
09:48A masked man with a saw-off shotgun sucked bullets out of two cashiers and a security guard
09:53in a South London bank tomorrow.
09:57The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept 10,000 pounds, which he demanded they
10:04place in the bank's vaults.
10:06The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence for the crime two years ago.
10:15What does that say?
10:16Oh, it's an advert.
10:18Roll off deodorant.
10:19Keeps you...
10:21Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours.
10:24What are we going to do?
10:26This place is totally crazy.
10:27There's nothing we can do till the others find us.
10:30We'd better get a job.
10:31But what jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head
10:36shaped like a novelty condom.
10:41Here's the jobs page.
10:42This looks interesting.
10:44Wanted.
10:45Managing director, ICI.
10:47Excellent demotion prospects.
10:48Right candidate could go straight to the bottom.
10:51Second or low-key?
10:53Busy London restaurant requires dish dirtier.
10:56Anything else?
10:57Ah, this looks interesting.
10:59Theatrical agent requires novelty acts.
11:02What do we do that's a novelty?
11:04In this world, everything.
11:14Three weeks we've been doing this.
11:16Well, we'll do it till we find them.
11:19We ain't gonna find them.
11:21They're gone, buddy.
11:23Look on the bright side.
11:24They're gone, buddy.
11:28Don't you care about anyone but yourself?
11:30Hell no.
11:31I don't even care about you.
11:32The way I see it, if GoPo's head and Freakface want to get themselves lost, that's their bag.
11:37I don't see why it should cut into my preening time.
11:41You realize with all this rescue stuff, I haven't purred my leg hairs in a week?
11:45I'm a wreck.
11:47Pam, your leg hairs.
11:49Only as an aid to the natural curl.
11:53Fasten your belt.
11:54Hey, I do not need fashion tips from you.
11:57Safety belt.
11:58Look.
12:01Is that what I think it is?
12:03What do you think it is?
12:04An orange whirly thing in space.
12:08It's a time hole.
12:09That's where they are.
12:10We're going in.
12:11Are you crazy?
12:12You can't go in there.
12:13Why not?
12:14Orange with this suit.
12:21Where are we?
12:23I don't believe this.
12:25According to the Navi-Com, this is it?
12:28Engage cloak.
12:30I'm taking it back.
12:41What do you do that for?
12:42Well, we don't want to freak the natives.
12:46Hey!
12:48What's the matter?
12:49I don't know.
12:50I think me ribs are cracked.
12:51And me back.
12:53Is my eye bruised?
12:55Yeah, it is.
12:57What's that?
12:58It's a Holman device.
12:59It'll find their flight recorder.
13:02Yonder.
13:06I'm home.
13:17You find anything?
13:19Well, the bug's there, but they're not.
13:31You're dry.
13:34That's weird.
13:36Let's take a look around.
13:37Maybe they left us a clue or something.
13:41Whoa.
13:42What's this?
13:45Yeah, man.
13:46They must have told us where they'll be.
13:48What's it say?
13:49I don't know.
13:49It's in some weird foreign language or something.
13:52Straight up.
13:54Did I speak Polish or Bulgarian or something?
13:57Do you speak Bulgarian?
13:58Bulgarian?
13:59I mean, I can hardly speak English.
14:03What's this?
14:05Nod Nol.
14:07Hang on.
14:07Wait a minute.
14:09Nod Nol.
14:10Nod Nol.
14:11It's in Bulgaria, isn't it?
14:12Are you sure?
14:13Do you speak Bulgarian or the number one subject at school?
14:16Nod Nol.
14:17Bulgaria, rich in edible produce and mineral wealth.
14:20Just south of Bosnia.
14:21And what's selling?
14:22That's obviously Bulgarian for kilometres, isn't it?
14:24You're so smart.
14:26I'm glad I came with you.
14:27Well, we are the smart party.
14:31I didn't come here looking for trouble.
14:34I just came to do the red dwarf shuffle.
14:36He's smart.
14:38He's smart.
14:41Let's find some transport.
14:45Come on.
14:46Let's go.
14:46Go.
14:47Come on.
14:51Yes.
14:52Where's the last house?
14:53It's hot here for real.
14:55Bye, suckers.
14:56You lost your bike.
14:57Stop peddling and start peddling.
15:02Get this thing in forward gear.
15:04It is in forward gear.
15:16Stop.
15:17Stop.
15:19Stop.
15:23No more.
15:25I'm not moving another yard on this thing.
15:27I'm getting the party in the back of my head.
15:29It's not the cheap and carry on your bikes.
15:31You probably have to queue up for a year to get this piece of crap.
15:35You probably have to be a Google's official to get one that goes forwards.
15:39Oh, matey.
15:40Excuse me.
15:40Excuse me.
15:41What are you talking about?
15:42No, I don't speak any Bulgarian.
15:44Do you speak English?
15:45You're very good with your ceiling in my eyes.
15:48I'm not looking for a friend.
15:52Um, friendski.
15:53Uh, a budski.
15:55Palski.
15:56Look, there's a dresski.
15:58Here'ski.
15:58Can you, um, drop us off-ski?
16:01Yeah, I'll be there, Palski.
16:02Palski.
16:03What's going on?
16:04Palski.
16:05Rock and roll.
16:06Thankski-ferski.
16:07Mutski-budski.
16:21Hey, hey, hey.
16:23We're moving in the right direction now.
16:35This is the place.
16:37Aye, aye.
16:39I mean, backwards looks like it's been cut to ribbons.
16:41Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan.
17:01Ladies and gentlemen, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
17:05Welcome to the show.
17:08Welcome to the show?
17:10That's a joke.
17:10For our first treat tonight, ladies and gentlemen, my partner Cretan will attempt to eat a boiled egg forwards.
17:26This is entertainment to these people.
17:28It's pathetic.
17:30The Bulgarian, they have very simple tastes.
17:35I have it.
17:36It's a moron convention.
17:38Hey, check the code for me.
17:40If there are twillie jackets, all white, with arms tied behind the neck, you know I'm right.
17:44And what better way to round off a beer, ladies and gentlemen, than by drinking a glass of water, Cretan.
17:52Whoa, stick around.
17:53They're building up to a big climax.
17:58We are the sensational reverse penalty, ladies and gentlemen, we shall see you last night.
18:07Let's get a drink and go backstage.
18:09Hello?
18:09Excuse me.
18:10Can I have two pints of bitter, please?
18:14Bitter?
18:14Two pints?
18:15Yes, she can't understand you, bud.
18:17You're wasting your time.
18:18Yo, matey, what's that you're drinking there?
18:20You know, drinking, beer skip.
18:22Beer skip.
18:23Ah, air skip.
18:24Two pints of air skip, please.
18:25Air skip?
18:26Two.
18:27Was that difficult?
18:28No.
18:29With a smart party.
18:31Air skip.
18:32Air skip.
18:35Air skip.
18:36Air skip.
19:01This isn't Bulgaria, eh?
19:03Look at that menu.
19:04Unen.
19:05It's English, but backwards. Everything's backwards.
19:07Everything's backwards?
19:09Yeah.
19:10Right.
19:11Well, you know, you say, when in Rome, do with us name or do.
19:15Up the hatch, booties down.
19:28What do you mean you don't want to leave?
19:30We're happy here.
19:32We've found a niche.
19:33We're the sensational reverse, brothers.
19:35We've only been here three weeks and we're a big hit.
19:38Remember, everything is backwards.
19:39We've got used to it.
19:41It's true.
19:42Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense this way round.
19:46There's no death here.
19:48You start off dead, you have a funeral, then you come to life.
19:51As each year passes, you get younger and younger until you become a newborn baby.
19:56Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on,
20:00until eventually we all become one glorious whole.
20:03Remember, you already are, one glorious whole.
20:07We've totally flipped, man.
20:08We want to stay.
20:10We can't stay.
20:12Look, I'm 25 now.
20:13In ten years' time, I'll be 15.
20:15I'll have to go through puberty again.
20:17Backwards.
20:18Imagine that.
20:19Your gojumbas will suddenly rise back into your body,
20:22and the next thing you know, you're singing soprano in the school choir.
20:26I'm wasting that.
20:28In 25 years, I'll be a little spame, swimming around in somebody's testicles.
20:34I mean, pardon me, but that's just not how I saw my future.
20:37I'm telling you, things are better this way.
20:40It's our universe that's the wrong way round.
20:42Take war.
20:42War is a wonderful thing here.
20:44In 50 years' time, the Second World War will start.
20:47Backwards.
20:48And that's a good thing.
20:49Millions of people will come to life.
20:52Hitler will retreat across Europe.
20:54Liberate France and Poland.
20:56Disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria.
21:01We're smash hits here.
21:02We'd be crazy to leave.
21:04Remember, we don't belong here.
21:06This place is crazy.
21:07Crazy?
21:08Death, disease, famine.
21:11There's none of that here.
21:12There's no crime.
21:13The first night we were here, a mugger jumped us
21:15and forced 50 pounds into my wallet at night point.
21:19Okay, okay.
21:20But look at the flip side of the coin.
21:22It's not all good.
21:23Take someone like, say, St. Francis of Assisi.
21:26In this universe, it's the petty-minded little sadist
21:28that goes round maiming small animals.
21:30Or Santa Claus.
21:31What a bastard.
21:34It's the big, fat git who sneaks down chimneys
21:37and steals all the kids' favourite toys.
21:42Hey, it's...
21:46What fight?
21:47We didn't start any fight.
21:49What's he saying?
22:11We're fired something about a fight.
22:13What have you been with us all night?
22:15He says we'll never work the pub circuit again.
22:18Now, for snakes' sake, be reasonable.
22:24Tell him about the contract.
22:27The contract thing.
22:28The contract, yep.
22:28You can't just sack us like that.
22:29The what?
22:34What's all that about?
22:35I don't know.
22:35Remember in a fight?
22:36That's a laugh for a start.
22:38So what's the plan?
22:39I don't know.
22:39We'll see what happens.
22:40Only if they don't change their minds,
22:41head back without them, I suppose.
22:43My back.
23:03We just gotta get out of here.
23:04This universe is just too disgusting.
23:15What's the matter with him?
23:17Yeah.
23:18What's the matter with him?
23:18I think he's a bit teed off
23:19because we've just uneaten his pie.
23:23Unbelievable.
23:23We didn't start a fight.
23:24Look, I'm sorry, man.
23:25We just...
23:26Are you all right?
23:27Oh, black eye.
23:28It's gone.
23:29He just sucked it off me face with his face.
23:33Now he's just uncracked me ribs.
23:35I don't want any trouble.
23:36No, no, you don't understand.
23:37All this mess, all this debris,
23:39this is from the fight we got fired for.
23:42This is from a fight we're about to have.
23:44About to have?
23:45I don't want to be involved in a barroom brawl.
23:48It's not a barroom brawl.
23:49It's a barroom tidy.
23:51Unrumble!
23:53Oh.
23:58Oh.
24:03Yeah.
24:22Where are you going, you coward?
24:24I've just wet that what happens to me back.
24:26Oh!
24:38Excuse me, have your tooth back.
24:57Good one, gentlemen.
24:59Thanks for your support.
25:06I've forgotten something.
25:07I've forgotten that noise.
25:15Well, what the hell?
25:16It's for a good cause.
25:27How much is that, matey?
25:28Well, why yet?
25:32Oi!
25:36Take it!
25:46You know, it could have worked.
25:47It really could.
25:50Where's the cat?
25:51He won't be long.
25:52He's, you know, in the bushes.
26:00We've got to stop him.
26:18Don't ask.
26:23It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
26:26I'm all alone, more or less.
26:29Let me fly far away from here.
26:33Fun, fun, fun.
26:36In the sun, sun, sun.
26:39Fun, fun.
26:40I want to lie.
26:42I want to lie.
26:42Shipwrecks and combatoes.
26:43Drinking fresh mango juice.
26:47Goldfish shows.
26:48Nibbling at my toes.
26:50Fun, fun, fun.
26:52I want to lie.
27:20In the sun, sun, sun.
27:21You
Comments