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Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E8
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00:05I
00:42Abandon ship, abandon ship, black hole approaching, this is not a drill, this is a drill, abandon ship, oh God,
00:51now the sirens bust, a wooga, a wooga, abandon ship.
00:56But a black hole is a huge impacted star, it's millions of miles wide, it's massive, why didn't you see
01:02anything on the radar screen?
01:04Well, the thing about a black hole, its main distinguishing feature, is it's black, and the thing about space, the
01:11colour of space, your basic space colour, is it's black, so how are you supposed to see them?
01:18But five of them, how can you be ambushed by five black holes?
01:24It's always the way, innit? We've been in deep space for three million years and there hasn't been one, then
01:29all of a sudden, five of them turn up.
01:33Come on, we've only got 20 minutes.
01:34Careful, careful, mind the hatchway, don't knock it.
01:37What do you want to bring this piece of junk for?
01:39That piece of junk happens to be a Javanese camphorwood chest, it belonged to my father and it's got all
01:44my valuables in it.
01:45I never knew you had so much crap.
01:49What's this? Toy soldiers?
01:51Toy soldiers? They've been in our family for years. They're priceless 19th century replicas of Napoleon's Alme d'Honor.
01:58So you can't change the clothes and that like you can with Cindy?
02:02Look, we've got barely 15 minutes.
02:04What the smeg is this?
02:08Just what little I've managed to scrimp and scrape by tossing the odd copper aside for a rainy day.
02:12Remember, there must be 20 grand, yeah?
02:1424. Look, I thought we were supposed to be getting off the ship.
02:1724,000?
02:19And you had the front to borrow money off me to buy me a birthday present?
02:25That's going back a bit, Lister. It was only 15 quid.
02:28Right, yeah, 15 quid.
02:30And what did I get? A five quid book token.
02:34Those cards aren't free, you know. I had to fork out for that as well.
02:37Remember, you never even paid me back?
02:40Honestly, you're tied to an Italian waiter's kex.
02:44A blue midget is loaded.
02:46Aren't you guys ready yet?
02:47Don't hang around for us. We'll catch you.
02:48Are you sure you've got everything?
02:49Just the bare essentials, food and medical supplies?
02:52Yeah, I'm just taking the bare essentials too.
02:5436 chains of clothing and 10 full-length dress mirrors.
02:58I'm going to be away for 12 hours.
03:01You think I need more mirrors?
03:03It's hard to be here. Let's go, go, go!
03:11Right, I want a safe, sensible drive. No stance.
03:14No worries.
03:22OK, this is the plan.
03:23I'll navigate Red to Wolf through the minefield of black holes.
03:26If all goes well, we'll rendezvous on the desert moon Sigma 14D.
03:29But what happens if all doesn't go well?
03:31Well, Red to Wolf and everything in it will be compacted down to the size of a small garden pane.
03:35Bye-bye, bedtime.
03:44Please, honestly, they're priceless.
03:46I'm only having a goosey.
03:47Look, if you get curry all over them, how's that going to look?
03:50What's Lieutenant General Baron Jackino of the 1st Cavalry Division supposed to be doing with meat vindaloo all over his
03:55chibi?
03:56It'll make him look more authentic. People will think he's got dysentery.
04:02You're obsessed with war, though, aren't you?
04:04I mean, you collect toy soldiers, you play war games, you read all those stupid combat magazines.
04:10And half of your books are about Patton and Caesar and various other gits.
04:15It's about leadership. That's what I admire.
04:17It's just ironic, really, when deep down, you're such a basic, natural coward.
04:22Coward?
04:24Planet Leaf, Miranda, that space bar, the Hacienda, remember that?
04:28When that fight started up, Rimmer, you were out of that door quicker than a whippet with a bum full
04:32of dynamite.
04:33But that was a barroom brawl. That was a common pub fight, a shambolic drunken set to.
04:39But you started.
04:42I just made an innocuous comment.
04:44I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead.
04:51I didn't start the rumour, I merely voiced it.
04:53To his face. Right to his face.
04:57When he was his four biggest mates.
04:59And then do your roadrunner act and you leave me to face the music.
05:03Well, I could have got hurt.
05:05You'd have made a brilliant general, wouldn't you?
05:07Listen, the generals don't smash chairs over people's heads.
05:11They don't get Newcastle brown bottles, stick them in your face and say,
05:14Stitch that, Jimmy.
05:17Generals were in the nice white tent on the hill, sipping Sancerre, directing the battle.
05:21They're men of honour.
05:23I don't believe it. You make war sound romantic.
05:25I'll tell you something.
05:27Something I've never told anyone.
05:29When I was 15, I went on a school trip to Macedonia, to the site of Alexander the Great's palace.
05:35And for the first time in my whole life, I felt, I felt I was home.
05:39This palace was where I belonged.
05:42Years later, I got friendly with the hypnotherapist, Donald.
05:47And I told him all about the Alexander the Great things.
05:49And he said he could regress me back through my past lives.
05:52I was dubious.
05:54But I let him put me back.
05:55It turned out my instincts were absolutely correct.
05:58I had lived a past life in Macedonia.
06:01That palace was my home.
06:03Because, you see, Lister, believe it or not,
06:06he told me that in a previous incarnation,
06:09I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
06:16Do you know something?
06:18I believe you.
06:21He didn't say I was Alexander the Great himself,
06:23which is obviously what I wanted to hear.
06:25But it explained everything.
06:27I'd lived a past life alongside one of the greatest generals in history.
06:31No wonder the military's in my blood.
06:32No wonder you're such a good singer.
06:35Maybe it's taut, I don't know.
06:37But it's funny, even to this day,
06:38I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers without wisdom.
06:43And why is it every time I'm with a large group of women,
06:45I have this overwhelming urge to bathe them all in warm olive oil?
06:50Remember, I have that age.
06:51It's got nothing to do with past lives.
06:55Well, why is it, then?
06:57It's because you're unhappy.
06:59You're unhappy with your own boring, humdrum, weaselly existence.
07:06You're looking for something with a bit more, oh, I don't know, glamour.
07:10But now is what counts for me?
07:12Living for today?
07:13I mean, who knows what's going to happen tomorrow?
07:15Who knows what's going to happen in the next five minutes?
07:17It'll make life so exciting.
07:20This is going to work hard.
07:30THE END
07:53THE END
08:20Mayday, mayday. Can you read me? Come in, please. Can you read me?
08:29Still snowing, is it?
08:31It's useless. You can only stand up. Never mind. Dig it out.
08:35No, look.
08:36Nothing is getting through.
08:38Three smeg in days. They must be looking for us by now.
08:41What a smeg, are they?
08:42It's impossible to find us in this weather. They could be ten feet away and walk straight past us.
08:48We're going to die, aren't we?
08:50How much food is there?
08:51There's half a bag of soggy, smoky bacon crisps.
08:55A tin of mustard powder, three water biscuits, a brown lemon, two bottles of vinegar, and a tube of Bongella
09:04gum ointment.
09:08Gum ointment?
09:09I found it in the first aid box. It's that minty flavour. It's quite nice.
09:13It's quite nice if you smear it on your mouth, old sirima. You can't sit down and eat it.
09:18You may have to.
09:20And that's it. There's nothing else.
09:22Just a pot noodle.
09:24Oh, and I found a tin of dog food in the tool cupboard.
09:27Well, it's obvious what gets eaten last, then, isn't it?
09:29I can't stand pot noodles.
09:33We're going to die, aren't we?
09:35Correction, I'm going to die.
09:36I mean, you're a hologram. You're ready. You don't need food.
09:39Did you find any wood?
09:40There's no wood out there.
09:42There's no vegetation, smeg oil, just a wasteland.
09:46You've got to keep this fire going. It's your only form of heat.
09:49I'm going to die, aren't I?
09:52God, I'm hungry.
09:52I'm going to have the crisps.
09:54No.
09:54Just one.
09:55You ate less than 16 hours ago.
09:59I had a raw sprout and that piece of chewing gum I found stuck under the desk.
10:03Look, you've got to pace yourself.
10:05Go to sleep. Wait till tomorrow.
10:07It's OK for you. You're a hologram. You don't need to eat.
10:09You don't even feel the cold.
10:11Look, think of something else. Try to take your mind off it.
10:16Mayday. Mayday.
10:18I wonder why they call it Mayday.
10:20Eh?
10:21The distress call. I wonder why it's Mayday.
10:22It's only a bank holiday.
10:24Why not Shrove Tuesday or Ascension Sunday?
10:29Ascension Sunday. Ascension Sunday.
10:34The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
10:38It's French, you doik. Mayday. Help me. Mayday.
10:44Is that right?
10:45Everywhere I look reminds me of food.
10:48Look at these books.
10:49Charles Lamb.
10:51Herman Wach.
10:54The complete workers of Francis Bacon.
10:57Eric Van Lustbader.
10:59Eric Van Lustbader.
11:01What's he got to do with food?
11:03Van.
11:03Meat Van.
11:04Meat Van.
11:05Bread Van.
11:05Food.
11:07Look, you're getting obsessed.
11:09It's just these books.
11:10It's like someone's put them here to taunt me.
11:12Look at this one.
11:13The Caretaker by Harold Pinter.
11:16It's Pinter.
11:18Look, stop thinking about food.
11:20Take me mind off it then. Talk to me about something.
11:23Like what?
11:24Anything.
11:25Oh, come on.
11:27Anything apart from food?
11:28Don't talk about food.
11:29I just can't think of another topic.
11:31Don't mention topics. They're foods.
11:35Tell me a story, man. Any story.
11:37I don't know any stories.
11:39Anything.
11:40Then tell me how you lost your virginity.
11:42My what?
11:43Talk to me.
11:45How I lost it?
11:48Well, it was so long ago, Lister.
11:50I was so young and sexually precocious, I'm not sure I can remember.
11:54Everyone can remember how they lost their virginity.
11:57It's just one of those things.
11:58Like everyone can remember where they were the day Cliff Richard was shot.
12:04Or when the first woman landed on Pluto.
12:07Or when they installed that gigantic toupee over the earth to cover the gap in the ozone layer.
12:12It's just one of those things you always remember.
12:15Well, I don't.
12:16Good grief.
12:17You could hardly expect me to recall every single sexual liaison I've ever partaken of.
12:21What do you think I am? The memory man?
12:23Don't give me this. I want the truth.
12:26The truth?
12:29There's not much to tell, really.
12:32I was always a bit of a fish out of water around women.
12:35I never know what to say to them.
12:39I never think I was very highly sexed, to be honest with you.
12:42I think it was all that school cabbage I was forced to eat as a boy.
12:47Still, the first ever time, the first time was with this girl I met at cadet school called Sandra.
12:54We did it in the back of my brother's car.
12:56What was it like?
12:57Brilliant. Incredible.
13:00Bentley V8 convention.
13:03Walnut burr panelling.
13:05Marvellous machine. Marvellous.
13:08So, come on. How do you lose yours?
13:11Michelle Fisher.
13:13The ninth hole of Bootle Municipal Golf Course.
13:16Par four, dog look to the right, in the bunker behind the green.
13:19You lost your virginity on a golf course?
13:23How did you have the nerve?
13:24It wasn't in the middle of the ride of the cup or anything.
13:27It was midnight.
13:28How old were you?
13:30She was so good looking.
13:31If she wanted, she could have got a job working behind the perfume counter at Lewis's.
13:35That's how gorgeous she was.
13:37How old were you?
13:38She took all her clothes off and stood there in front of me completely naked.
13:42I was so excited, they nearly dropped my skateboard.
13:46Skateboard.
13:46Skateboard? How old were you?
13:48Twelve.
13:49Twelve?
13:52Twelve years old?
13:53Yeah.
13:54You lost your virginity when you were twelve?
13:56Yeah.
13:58Twelve?
14:02You can't have been a full member of the golf club then?
14:06Of course I wasn't.
14:09You did it on a golf course and you weren't a member?
14:13Of course I wasn't.
14:15You didn't pay any green fees or anything.
14:18It was just a place to go.
14:21I used to play golf.
14:23I hate people who abuse the facilities.
14:27Hope you rake the sand back nicely before you're out.
14:30That would be a hell of a lie to get into, wouldn't it?
14:32Competition the next day, your ball lands in Lister's buttercremble.
14:38You'd need more than a niblick to get that one out.
14:41That's what I say, I've got a big bump.
14:43Big?
14:44It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
14:50The only thing I ever lost when I was twelve were my shoes with the compass in the heel and
14:54the animal tracks on the soles.
14:57Porky Roebuck threw them in the septic tank behind the sports ground.
15:01I cried for weeks.
15:02I was wearing them.
15:06I never even thought about sex when I was twelve.
15:09Maybe that's because you used to be Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
15:14What are you doing?
15:16There's nothing left to burn.
15:17My books.
15:18Don't burn my books.
15:19There's nothing else left.
15:21But it's obscene.
15:22A book is a thing of beauty.
15:23It's the voice of freedom.
15:25The essence of civilisation.
15:27Biggles learns to fly.
15:30Well, perhaps not that one, but you know what I'm saying.
15:33The complete works of Shakespeare.
15:35This'll be good for a couple of hours.
15:37I don't know.
15:38Three days without food and the walls of civilisation come tumbling down.
15:41So, what are you on about?
15:43They say that any society is three meals away from revolution.
15:48Deprive a culture of food for three meals and you'll have anarchy.
15:51And it's true, isn't it?
15:53You've gone without food for two days and you're turning into a barbarian.
15:56I'm just burning a book.
15:57But it's not just a book.
15:59It's the only copy of probably the greatest work in English literature.
16:02Probably the only copy left in the entire universe.
16:05And you're quite happy to chuck it on the fire to keep your mitts warm for 15 minutes.
16:09There's nothing left to burn.
16:11That's it then, is it?
16:13Toodle-pip King Lear, Farewell Macbeth, Bub-Eye Hamlet.
16:17Have you ever actually read any of it?
16:21I've seen West Side Story.
16:24That's based on...
16:25Have you ever actually read any of it?
16:29Not all the way through, no.
16:31But I can quote some, though.
16:33Well, go on then.
16:41Now!
16:44That's all I can remember.
16:48What's that from there?
16:49Richard III, you moron.
16:51That brilliant now speech.
16:52He does the beginning.
16:52Now!
16:53Something, something, something.
16:55Oh, it's brilliant.
16:56Unforgettable.
16:58I can't save it until last.
17:00Lolita.
17:01Is it okay for being Lolita?
17:02Save page 61.
17:07That bit.
17:08That's disgusting.
17:37And you can take that look off of it.
17:39off your face like I'm doing something disgusting.
17:41I'm just trying to stay alive.
17:42You're going to eat the dog food?
17:45Yeah.
17:46Yeah.
17:47I haven't eaten for six days.
17:48I'm going to eat the dog food.
17:50I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.
17:53Remember, this isn't dog food.
17:55It's a piece of prime fillet steak in blue cheese sauce.
17:58It's been charcoal broiled in garlic butter
18:01and it's going to taste delicious.
18:04Delicious.
18:05Delicious.
18:14Well, now I can see my dog's licking their testicles.
18:22It's to take away the taste of the food.
18:27The stove's getting low.
18:29Better throw another book on.
18:30It's the last one.
18:32What?
18:32You've burnt all of them?
18:33When we get through to Act 5 of Henry VIII,
18:36I'm a dead man.
18:38There must be something else to burn.
18:47No, not the trunk.
18:48It's Javanese camp for wood.
18:50It's priceless.
18:50There's nothing else to burn at the trunk.
18:52And what's in the trunk?
18:53Now, wait a minute.
18:54Not Napoleon's armé du nord.
18:57Remember, get real, man.
18:58What's important?
18:59If it burns, we burn it.
19:01What's the least valuable?
19:03Not the trunk.
19:04My father gave me that trunk.
19:05The soldiers, then.
19:06But they're 19th century.
19:08They're irreplaceable.
19:08They were hand-carved by the legendary Dubois brothers.
19:12Well, then.
19:18Better start unpacking the soldiers.
19:20No, there must be something else to burn.
19:22There must be.
19:23Remember, there isn't.
19:24I've looked.
19:25Look, I know it must be a bit of a bummer.
19:28I mean, I know it must be heartbreaking,
19:30but it's just stuff.
19:32It's only possessions.
19:33They're only things.
19:34In the end, they're not important.
19:36I mean, they might go for a bundle
19:38in some swanky Islington antique shop,
19:40but right here and right now,
19:42all they are is nicely painted firewood.
19:46This isn't happening.
19:47It's a nightmare.
19:48I mean, you've got to get your priorities right.
19:51It's like those people you read about
19:53who run back into a burning house
19:55to rescue some treasured piece of furniture
19:56and wind up burning to death.
19:58I mean, nothing's more important than a human life.
20:02What about your guitar?
20:03Except my guitar.
20:05Why didn't we think of it before?
20:07We could burn your guitar.
20:08Not my guitar, Rime.
20:10It's made of wood.
20:11Yeah, but it's my guitar.
20:13I've had it since I was 16.
20:14That is an authentic Les Paul copy.
20:17It's not worth anything.
20:19It's just a thing, just a possession.
20:21Yeah, but it's mine.
20:22How is it any different from my soldiers?
20:25That's my lifeline.
20:26I need that guitar.
20:27Oh, I mean, when it gets to me,
20:32I mean, the loneliness and all that,
20:34when it gets on top of me,
20:36it's my only means of escape.
20:38I mean, I know I'm not exactly a wizard on it.
20:41I know it's only got five strings
20:42and three of them a G.
20:45But through the whole of me life,
20:46I've never had anything to cling on to.
20:48No roots, no parents, no education.
20:51No education?
20:52I went to art college.
20:55All I've ever had is that guitar.
20:57It's the only thing for the whole of me
20:58miserable, smacking life
21:00that hasn't walked out on me.
21:01Don't make me burn it.
21:06We've got to.
21:15Look, I know this might sound stupid,
21:17like, but can I just play one song on it?
21:20Just one for the road.
21:23Sure.
21:24I mean, I'm not enjoying this.
21:25I know, man.
21:27Thanks.
21:34She's out of my life
21:38I don't know whether to laugh or cry
21:43My stepdad taught me this one.
21:45It's the first song I ever learned to play.
21:49Just going to, uh...
21:50I don't know whether to live or die
21:53She's out of my...
21:58...ice...
21:59I don't know if I ever did that pom
22:04I don't know if I ever did it
22:07I don't know what a moment
22:33Oh, my God.
22:59I don't know what to say.
23:00There's nothing to say.
23:02You've made a supreme sacrifice, you know that?
23:06A supreme sacrifice.
23:09That's a bit of a...
23:10I've been judging the book by its cover, haven't I?
23:13All these years, that's what I've been doing.
23:15And when it really comes down to it, you are one heck of a regular guy.
23:20There's no point being modest.
23:22I know what that guitar meant to you.
23:24It means exactly the same as that trunk means to me.
23:29If that trunk got so much as scratched, I would be devastated.
23:35It's not the outward value.
23:37To me, that trunk is a link to the past.
23:39A link to the father I never managed to square things with.
23:43Is it?
23:44That trunk is the only thing he ever gave me, apart from his disappointment.
23:52And you've shown me, by burning your guitar, what true value really is.
23:58Decency.
23:59Self-sacrifice.
24:01Those are the things that make up real wealth, and from where I'm standing, I'm a pretty rich man.
24:07Oh, God.
24:09Burn the soldiers.
24:10Not the soldiers as well.
24:11You burnt your guitar, I want to make a sacrifice too.
24:14Burn the armé du nord.
24:16Cast them to the flames.
24:17Let them lay down their lives for the sake of friendship.
24:24What's that smell?
24:26What smell?
24:27I can't smell any smell.
24:30Camphor wood.
24:37Your guitar was made of camphor wood.
24:41It must have been worth a fortune.
24:43Burn the soldiers.
24:44Burn them right now.
24:45Burn them right now.
24:57Burn them right now.
24:58Burn them right now.
25:00Burn them right now.
25:02Burn them right now.
25:03Burn them right now.
25:04Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:05Burn them right now.
25:10Burn them right now.
25:14Burn them right now.
25:25Au revoir, mes amis.
25:27À bientôt.
25:29There's something I've got to tell you.
25:31Something awful.
25:33If it's about how you finished off the dog food, Dave,
25:36I understand.
25:36It's not about that.
25:38Hey!
25:40Ow!
25:41Oh, Christ!
25:43We made it!
25:44We made it!
25:44Food!
25:45You brought food?
25:47So where have you been over the last few days?
25:49We rendezvoused with Holly.
25:50Then when you didn't show up after two days,
25:52I said we should go and look for you.
25:54Yeah, we've been everywhere.
25:55Fourteen moons, two planets.
25:57I've been so worried, I haven't buffed my shoes for two days.
26:01So Holly managed to navigate her way through five black holes?
26:04As it transpired, there weren't any black holes.
26:07But you saw them on the monitor.
26:08They weren't black holes.
26:10What were they?
26:12Grit.
26:17Five specks of grit on the scannerscope.
26:20You see, the thing about grit is it's black.
26:23And the thing about the scannerscope...
26:25Oh, shut up!
26:26Let's go.
26:28Something happened here, Crichton.
26:30Something that made him and me closer.
26:32I saw a side of Dave Lister that I never, ever knew existed.
26:37He's not an irresponsible, selfish drifter always out for number one.
26:41He's a man.
26:43A man of honour.
26:46Excuse me.
27:10Open the trunk.
27:23Crichton?
27:26Get the hacksaw and follow me.
27:28Where are we going?
27:30We're going to do to Lister what Alexander the Great once did to me.
27:39It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere.
27:43I'm all alone, more or less.
27:46Let me fly, far away from here.
27:50Fun, fun, fun.
27:52In the sun, sun, sun.
27:55I want to fly, shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh mango juice, goldfish shows, nibbling at my toes.
28:06Fun, fun, fun.
28:09In the sun, sun, sun.
28:13Fun, fun, fun.
28:16In the sun, sun, sun.
28:20Fun, fun.
28:21Fun, fun.
28:21Fun, fun.
28:23Fun, fun.
28:25Fun, fun.
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