- 13 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E13
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TVTranscript
00:01it's a perfect night for observing it's warm dark the air is crystal clear okay they're in bed
00:13you know i'm not satisfied watching the mullers from afar this isn't what humans do humans don't
00:19just observe each other they interact we should make contact with them oh here's something
00:26different you know without their clothes they seem kind of gelatinous yeah what is he looking for
00:39wait wait yes this is it i believe they're going to mate
00:47tommy pay attention why this is like sweating to the oldies without music
00:54this is important sex is how humans enrich their relationships and reaffirm the commitment
00:59they've made to each other it's the most sacred intimate part they're done
01:05but already thank you very much
01:11as many intelligent people know aliens are all around us this is the story of four such explorers
01:20so
01:21so
01:29so
01:51who is that smoldering beauty with the fiery eye
01:56katie korak katie korak sounds like something beautiful stuck in your throat
02:07mrs dubchek i'm planning to go next door and become neighborly what do you know about the mullers oh
02:12well they're lovely very nice of course um i shouldn't talk well it's true your voice is not one of
02:21your best assets
02:24the mullers have had their ups and downs i guess her husband had some problems in the bedroom area
02:30which area of the closet
02:32well that i thought it was at first too but it turned out to be a vitamin deficiency
02:37vitamin deficiency
02:38okay mr muller and i can talk about that
02:40oh no no stick to sports or cars
02:42cars yes
02:43that's great
02:45i have a car
02:49oh why am i doing this to myself
02:51she probably doesn't even know i'm alive
02:56no she knows
03:13hi there neighbor
03:14you know anything about cars
03:16is this your car
03:17yeah i seem to be having some trouble with my um spark nuts
03:24well sometimes with these old ones you better just to call the junk man and have it towed away
03:28oh no i couldn't do that i love this car
03:30it has a compartment just for gloves
03:33dick solomon
03:34frank muller
03:35haven't seen you around much
03:36oh i've seen a lot of you
03:37and your wife
03:42so she says you're some big deal professor at the college
03:44oh hardly it's quantum astrophysics a drugged monkey could do it
03:49what about you
03:50i work the line at the ball bearing plant
03:52no the zinc core plant
03:53yeah
03:54are you kidding
03:54i love your bearings
03:57what do you make thrust bearings or or or or linear
03:59actually i do journal bearings
04:01wow
04:02is that plane or rolling contact
04:04on a good day both
04:06and the stories you must have
04:08a few
04:14you know i thought you'd be more of an egghead
04:16oh no all meat
04:27here's the boss
04:30well i'll see you around
04:32oh uh
04:33no big deal but
04:35your car's parked about eight inches over the property line
04:39could you watch that
04:40oh i'll go you one better
04:41i'll stop doing it
04:42thanks friend
04:47friend
04:54watching television is amazing
04:56i haven't had a thought in my head for three hours
04:59and that's just the tip of the iceberg
05:04pseudo family
05:05where have you been
05:07i have been
05:08in frank muller's garage
05:11we bragged
05:12we laughed
05:12we tinkered
05:13he let me touch his stuff
05:15it feels good to be around frank
05:17it fills an empty space
05:19i've been feeling
05:20right here
05:20i think it's because we're friends
05:23so no one told you
05:24it was gonna be this way
05:30what is this
05:31shake and bake chicken
05:32just eat it
05:33no
05:34this isn't chicken
05:35this is just
05:35flakes
05:36okay stay right there
05:37sally
05:38you must learn to cook
05:39how far do you think you're gonna go
05:41with just a fabulous body
05:43and the intellect of a genius
05:44look
05:44the box had a picture of a chicken on it
05:46i shaked it
05:46i baked it
05:47what else am i supposed to do with it
05:49why don't you ask mrs muller
05:51get close to her
05:52i'm sure she knows how to cook something
05:54oh do i have to
05:55yes
05:55they're plump
05:56we're emaciated
05:57you do the math
05:58making a friend is so simple
06:01you may not be as good at it as i am
06:03but i command you to try
06:04dick what is the point
06:05we're not gonna learn about humans
06:07by watching television
06:08we have to mix ourselves among them
06:11walk a mile in their pants
06:14i just don't know how to talk to women
06:16i'm sure you can find something to say to her
06:18you could walk on the beach and discuss itching
06:25oh how exciting
06:26i am so glad i get to be the woman
06:29next planet i get to be something big with horns
06:34okay so the shake and bake is just a cocoon for the chicken
06:38yep
06:39and chicklets are not chicken at all
06:41right
06:42you're not from ohio are you
06:44no
06:45i can tell
06:47i don't envy you having to take care of three men
06:50i only got frank and he's a full-time job
06:53just once i'd like to see that man pick up a sock
06:57i'd like to see men put their dirty dishes in the sink
07:00i'd like to see them do laundry
07:01i'd like to see them crammed between two steel wheels
07:04and grounded to a fine paste
07:09you know i'd like to see that myself
07:13you let me know
07:17oh you're dangerous
07:18oh yes i am
07:22i like you
07:24you can come by anytime
07:25i will
07:28but do me a favor
07:30before you settle down and get married
07:32you have some fun
07:33if i had your figure i'd find some old millionaire in florida
07:36and slowly suck the life out of him
07:41i have the very equipment to do that
07:44i'm sure you do
07:49hi neighbor
07:50hey how you doing
07:51harry tommy this is frank
07:52my friend
07:54yeah hi
07:54is this place magnificent
07:56oh yeah
07:57it's the garage mahal
08:02well you gotta have some place to get away from the clucking
08:08oh
08:10color
08:11oh
08:1160 channels of it
08:13knock yourself out
08:14uh-huh
08:15uh-huh
08:16uh-huh
08:17uh-huh
08:18dick look
08:18debbie says that the new pro max router can handle even the wildest curves
08:23i don't know if debbie realizes that can be taken two ways
08:28frank this is new
08:29what is it
08:30a back scratcher
08:31may i
08:32be my guest
08:34oh
08:35oh this is heavenly
08:36that spot has been driving me nuts ever since we landed
08:41please keep it
08:44oh really
08:45i've never received a gift before
08:47i have to give you something
08:49to tommy
08:52frank
08:53that's the boss calling
08:54you know it's fascinating
08:56every time his wife calls
08:57he jumps
08:58see you around
08:59you can count on it
09:00i like you frank
09:01after all the time i've spent at the university
09:03it's refreshing to meet someone who doesn't pretend to be smart
09:24jerry dates a blind girl repeat
09:26jerry dates a blind girl
09:29you know it gains nothing the second time
09:32this has been the rebroadcast of the 11 o'clock news
09:35we will resume programming at 6 a.m
09:41it's the snow show
09:45well i saw this one last night
09:49so what do we do now
09:51why don't we go visit our friends the mowers
09:53why will they be home
09:54it's three o'clock in the morning where else would they be
10:06hi neighbor
10:07what's the matter
10:08nothing
10:09it's three in the morning
10:10patty said i could drop by anytime
10:12don't worry
10:13we brought gifts
10:14flank steak for m'lady
10:16and the tv guide crossword for masseur
10:19and uh by the way the answer to i blank lucy
10:23isn't what you'd think
10:24who's this
10:26that's my daughter cindy she's in college
10:28my compliments she's a definite triumph of
10:30aerobics over genetics
10:34i think someone would like to see her naked
10:36i can't
10:38so let's fire up the barbecue
10:41frank if you're in danger shout
10:44go back to sleep
10:46get upset frank
10:47go home
10:48why maybe they want to have sex
10:50again
10:51excuse me
10:52it's not what you're thinking frank
10:54it's just that we're so fascinated by you
10:56we've never met anyone of your economic class before
10:58my class
10:59like you're so much better than we are
11:02well yes but you'll evolve
11:05until then we can still be friends
11:07friends
11:07you are not my friend
11:11we're best friends
11:12so we're not get the hell out of here
11:15oh and another thing
11:18get your precious car off my properties
11:22fine we can tell when we're not wanted
11:29we're not wanted
11:39it seems that some of the
11:42subtler principles of electron motion
11:44were beyond everyone's grasp
11:47be thankful it's just a grade
11:49in most places this kind of performance
11:51gets you a spanking that still burns
11:52when you're blown out the airlock
11:55dr solomon are you at least
11:57going to grade us on a curve
11:58of course not i grade on a transient loop
12:05what
12:06it's very simple
12:08if your expected score
12:09is located here
12:11the parameters of your actual performance
12:13are here here and here
12:14driving the expectation
12:15versus performance data
12:17into the last
12:17three loops
12:19two of which can't be seen
12:20because of course they're factored only in time
12:29so is my a still an a
12:31oh
12:33karen
12:35no
12:37this shouldn't be all that difficult for you
12:40the interactions of elementary particles
12:41are far simpler than the interactions between people
12:45for example leon
12:46do you have any friends
12:48in this class
12:49oh well
12:51well sometimes i talk to karen
12:54so karen is your friend
12:56yes
13:01i see
13:02pitman you and bug are friends right
13:03yeah since third grade
13:04we used to trade underwear on sleepovers
13:08shut up
13:10and this friendship
13:12where there's all circumstance
13:13survives the frictions of daily life
13:15completely intact
13:16absolutely
13:17yeah
13:17even though he obviously thinks you're stupid
13:19you think i'm stupid
13:20only in a good way
13:22so there you have it
13:23friendship
13:24obviously just a big waste of time
13:26and yet everyone on the planet
13:28gets all worked up
13:29about these pointless little behaviors
13:31blissfully unaware
13:32of the great vaporizing meteor
13:34due in 2015
13:38which obviously doesn't exist
13:39because i'm kidding
13:48patty thanks for letting harry come along
13:50he's a little traumatized
13:51by all the tension at home
13:57so does frank know you're with me
13:58no i told him i was setting a perm
14:01does dick know you're with me
14:02no i injected him with a sedative
14:04i've got at least two more hours
14:06ooh we're like thelma and louise
14:08except we just came to the supermarket
14:09and we haven't murdered anyone
14:11it's early yet
14:14you're so stubborn
14:15why do we have to be that way
14:17i'm still trying to figure out
14:18their fascination with burping the alphabet
14:21now the key to tomatoes
14:23is you gotta squeeze them
14:24if they're soft
14:25they're ready
14:29this one's ready
14:31i'm the high commander
14:38what are you watching now
14:41it's the president clinton show
14:45he looks good on camera
14:46but his show is incredibly dull
14:50dick are you all right
14:51i'm fine
14:52no you're not
14:53yes i am
14:54okay but your back is starting to bleed
14:58i wish i had a remote
14:59frank had a remote
15:01well if you like frank so much
15:02why don't you go live at frank's house
15:04sit down
15:07what is your big problem
15:08nothing
15:09i just reached out to frank
15:10and he kicked me in the teeth
15:11because frank hates me for no good reason
15:13but hey
15:14that's frank
15:15humans are not perfect
15:17oh well that's a convenient excuse
15:19isn't it
15:20you just can't admit when you're wrong
15:22oh please
15:22it's not like i've never bonded
15:24with a life form lieutenant
15:25yes yes we know
15:27you've bonded beautifully
15:28with creatures on nine different systems
15:30and those that wouldn't bond
15:32we ate
15:34it's different here dick
15:35to bond with a human
15:36you have to give and take
15:38like me and patty
15:39it's not worth the trouble
15:40i can be perfectly content
15:41as a disaffected loner
15:44was that you
15:45no
15:47and i always tell you
15:51uh someone's towing away the rambler
15:53it's muller
15:56why is he taking the car
16:00because he knows i love it
16:02i told you solomon
16:04eight inches over my property
16:09dick what's wrong
16:10i don't know
16:11there's an odd sensation
16:12moving through my body
16:13who the hell does that stupid
16:17psychopath think he is anyway
16:21dick
16:22i have a plan
16:23remember we're not allowed
16:25to liquefy humans
16:28okay i have another plan
16:31no that's it
16:32i'm invoking a supreme directive
16:34i'll need witnesses
16:37what is it
16:38i want you to remember who you are
16:40i'm the high commander
16:41and what is the high commander's oath
16:44as high commander
16:45i vow to handle all problems
16:47with restraint and deliberation
16:49i will strive to understand
16:51other life forms
16:51i will avoid aggression
16:54and make peace with all those
16:56who piss me off
17:02what are you doing here
17:04dick
17:05we've come to apologize
17:06and make a peace offering
17:07oh so the great professor
17:08offers the lowly chump a present
17:10and makes it better
17:11that's what we're hoping
17:13it's a double sleeve roller bearing
17:16look
17:17you can talk down to me
17:18you can wake me up
17:19at three in the morning
17:20but you can't buy me off
17:22it's cambered
17:23get out
17:24aren't you listening chunky
17:25he's apologizing
17:27no no no no
17:28we are not going to sink
17:29down to his level
17:30my level
17:31you people
17:32always go straight
17:33to the snob stuff
17:34hey who you calling people
17:36hey
17:36you want a piece of me huh
17:37you want a piece
17:38huh
17:40oh
17:42you want to fight
17:43come on
17:43come on
17:45that's enough
17:45get your hands off of me
17:47sorry
17:47i don't like it
17:50please don't do that
17:51yeah what are you gonna do
17:52about it
17:52huh
17:53huh
17:53huh
17:53huh
17:54egghead
17:55brainiac
17:57dick
17:58i am so disappointed in you
18:00i don't know what happened
18:01i just lost control
18:02yeah well you hurt a human
18:03we are in so much trouble
18:04what if he talks
18:05he won't if we finish him off
18:07this is awful
18:08yeah well you should feel awful pal
18:10but i don't
18:11i feel better
18:12and powerful
18:13this is why people have friends
18:15so they can hit them
18:18but this is incredible
18:19it's the best i've ever felt
18:20well
18:23there's the downside
18:33hi
18:35hi
18:36i'm so sorry about all this
18:38frank can be such an idiot
18:40how's your brother
18:41is he licking his wounds
18:42oh he tried
18:43but he couldn't reach him
18:44so he made harry do it
18:47hello
18:49you let sleeping dogs lie
18:51frank muller
18:51hey this is guy stuff
18:53don't get your panties in a wad
18:56that's some good advice
18:57thanks
19:00so uh
19:00how you doing
19:02i'm swollen
19:02thank you
19:03so am i
19:05why are you suddenly so civil
19:07oh now we understand each other's boundaries
19:09you know my limits
19:11i know your limits
19:12and now we can respect each other
19:13now uh wait
19:15let me see if i can get this straight
19:16in order to achieve each other's respect
19:19you had to resort to violent confrontation
19:22now doesn't it strike you as stupid
19:27kids huh
19:28they don't understand the world
19:31so uh
19:32we still friends
19:34sure
19:37oh god
19:44okay i finished my letter
19:46dear president clinton
19:48i've seen your program on tv
19:50and i think you need help
19:54maybe in the next episode
19:56there could be gunfire
19:59or even some explosions
20:02i know i'd like that
20:05thanks for letting me share my thoughts
20:07oh i forgot to include my name and address
20:12you know patty is a woman of unexpected depth and wisdom
20:15and she does things with contact paper most women can only dream of
20:20i think i finally understand this compelling urge to make friends
20:24it isn't intellectual at all
20:26these bodies have a basic physical need for other people
20:29well in a biology this primitive
20:31there are bound to be a few weaknesses
20:33but that's the paradox
20:34it's not a weakness
20:35that need is what brings them together
20:38and that unity is
20:39an enormous source of power
20:41yeah
20:42it's powerful all right
20:43but it's dangerous
20:44there's some urges
20:46we're just gonna have to learn to control
20:48whoa
20:49their daughter's home
20:52please won't you be
20:54my neighbor
20:56please won't you be my neighbor
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