- 13 hours ago
TV, Movie, 3rd Rock from The Sun S01E06
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TVTranscript
00:02Aliens are all around us. This is the story of a band of four such explorers. In order to blend
00:07in, they have assumed human form. This is the High Commander. He has assembled an elite team of experts, a
00:15decorated military officer, seasoned intelligence specialist, and, well, they had an extra seat. They say Earth started with just two
00:24humans. Now they're five billion. Someone needs to turn a hose on them.
01:00And the winning lottery numbers are 2, 21, 51, 9, 27, and 48.
01:12Oh, that was fun.
01:17A dollar well spent. If luck were money, we'd be rich.
01:25Look at them. They're not kissing. They're not groping. They're... Oh, I know this. Cuddling. Cuddling is interesting. It's both
01:35romantic and sexual.
01:37Yes, but it's more than that. It implies an intimate relationship. How do you establish that with a woman?
01:44Why are you looking at me?
01:46Because you're the woman.
01:47Yeah, for two whole months, but I haven't even figured out how to take off my bra yet.
01:52I want to hug. I want to hug Dr. Allwright. I want to hug her right now.
01:55She's not here.
01:56Look, I'm going to have to hug somebody.
02:05It's just not the same with you.
02:08Well, my heart wasn't in it either. I just let you do it because you're high commander.
02:13I feel so cheap.
02:28Dick, I can't take this housework anymore.
02:30I was put on this mission because of my military skills.
02:33These hands are lethal weapons, but now they're all red and dry from harsh detergents.
02:38Stop complaining. Your assignment is to be the woman, just like Tommy's assignment is to study earth culture.
02:43Right, and I'm on it. That's why I'm reading Betty and Veronica's Summer Fun.
02:49My God, these are high school girls?
02:53Okay, you guys. I was out walking, and someone started following me.
02:57Oh, my God.
02:58Yeah, he's in the living room.
02:59You let him in our home?
03:01Well, yeah. He might be worth studying.
03:04Come on in.
03:06Oh.
03:10What a good little man.
03:13Harry, that's a dog.
03:15You know, you are just so quick to label.
03:21He's so huggable.
03:24Oh, Mama.
03:27I've got to get to the office.
03:28And Dr. Albright...
03:31What are you going to do with him?
03:33Well, I'm going to start by establishing communication.
03:37Oh, have a seat, my friend.
03:45What's he trying to say?
03:47He said that Lassie's a guy.
03:54Good morning, Dr. Albright.
03:56Oh, good morning, Dr. Salmon.
03:57I have your physics book.
03:58Oh, thank you.
03:59Oh, please don't do that.
04:02I'm not much of a hugger.
04:03Oh.
04:06Look who I found wandering down the halls.
04:09Mary.
04:10Oh, my God.
04:12Oh.
04:13Oh.
04:14Oh.
04:15Oh.
04:15Hi.
04:16Dr. Richard Salmon.
04:18This is Dr. Jeff Willis, my old dear friend.
04:21Hi.
04:22Actually, Mary and I used to share this office.
04:24Among other things.
04:26Nina.
04:26So, what brings you to town?
04:29A book signing.
04:30My novel's been published.
04:31Echoes of my stepfather.
04:33Yes.
04:35You finally finished.
04:36Oh, it's wonderful.
04:38Oh.
04:40Oh, I've got to get to class.
04:42Listen, we have got to get together and catch up.
04:45You got it.
04:46Call me.
04:47Oh.
04:48Oh.
04:54She is something else.
04:57Oh.
04:58I can't believe how good you look.
05:01You still playing racquetball?
05:02Every day.
05:03Oh.
05:03I love it.
05:04I love it more.
05:07You don't play racquetball.
05:08Oh.
05:11Poor, sweet, misguided amnesiac.
05:14Nina, of course I do.
05:18I've got some time to kill.
05:19I'd love to play.
05:20I've got some time to play.
05:21I'd love to kill.
05:22Oh.
05:36Can I help you?
05:37Oh, no thanks.
05:38Just looking.
05:42Hey!
05:43It says men on the door.
05:45And you made the cut?
05:46Oh.
05:47There you are.
05:49Okay, here's everything you need to know about racquetball.
05:51Oh, thanks for bringing this, Lieutenant.
05:52Well, I found myself starting to talk to the scrubbing bubbles, so I figured I'd better take a walk.
05:56Oh, this is Newtonian physics.
05:59Trajectory and velocity.
06:00An imbecilic baby could do it.
06:02Well, I'm off to the games.
06:04Play fiercely and annihilate your opponent.
06:05As it always was and always will be.
06:10Hey.
06:12It's dry already.
06:13Put your shorts on.
06:17I won!
06:20I won!
06:23I won!
06:24I won!
06:25I won!
06:25I won!
06:26I won!
06:29Did you hear the news?
06:30I won.
06:33Congratulations, sir.
06:34Oh, that was so easy.
06:35You offered me no challenge at all.
06:38Yeah, I was kind of off my game.
06:40Off your game?
06:40You played like a little girl.
06:44Too bad Mary wasn't here to see it.
06:47Reminds me, I gotta run.
06:48I'm meeting her for lunch.
06:51Well, I hope you two girls have fun.
06:59Why am I so hostile to this Jeff person?
07:01He's never done anything to me.
07:03In fact, he seems like a perfectly tolerable twit.
07:07But for some reason, I hate him just because Dr. Albright likes him.
07:11Why?
07:12It's called jealousy, Dick.
07:13It's what happens to Moose when Reggie flirts with Midge.
07:18If you'd read a little, you'd know something about Moose.
07:21I don't have time to read.
07:22Lieutenant, get out here.
07:23I have a new assignment for you.
07:25Yes, finally.
07:26I want you to find out what makes a man so irresistible that a woman has no interest in any
07:31other man.
07:33That's still a chick job.
07:34Yes.
07:36But it's also a chick job to help the high commander score.
07:42You want to know about love, Dick?
07:43I'll show you love.
07:44Scruffy, come here.
07:45I'm here.
07:47Oh, see?
07:48He loves me for no reason.
07:50He lives just to bask in the light of my smile.
07:56And the best thing is, we both scare the mailman.
08:04Why can't Dr. Albright leap into my lap and lick my face?
08:09Well, some breeds are more skittish than others.
08:20You two were here last night.
08:26Miss?
08:30Miss!
08:33You're obviously in some sort of relationship.
08:35Why'd you pick this guy?
08:36What's that supposed to mean?
08:37Hey, I'm talking to the lady.
08:40He's not terribly attractive.
08:41He's got bad taste in clothes.
08:43And even I can tell he doesn't know what he's doing.
08:45I'm insane.
08:48It's the car, isn't it?
08:50No.
09:18What are you doing?
09:19Tempting you with the great taste of bacon.
09:26I'm going to take these folders into Nina.
09:28And when I come back, you'll be gone.
09:34Hi.
09:35Mary here?
09:36Oh, uh, no.
09:37She just left for Cleveland.
09:39Oh, look, she's back.
09:41What are you doing here?
09:43I'm on my way to a meeting, but I wanted to stop off and give you a present.
09:47Oh.
09:50Oh, thanks for bugging me to write my book.
09:53Oh, Jeff, it's a thimble.
09:57I collect them.
09:59It's an ancient Ukrainian quilting thimble.
10:01There's some writing on the outside.
10:02I didn't have time to get it translated.
10:03Well, you've been so busy with the book.
10:05Oh, uh, speaking of time, don't you have a meeting?
10:08Oh, right.
10:08I got to go.
10:09Bye.
10:10Bye.
10:11Oh.
10:13Damn, you did it again.
10:15Oh.
10:17I'm going to have to find someone who can translate Ukrainian.
10:20Oh, that's not Ukrainian.
10:21It's Turkish.
10:22Oh, look, there's a diacritical mark over the O.
10:25Well, what does it mean?
10:32May these always point me toward the spoils of war.
10:38This isn't a thimble.
10:39It's Turkish nipple armor.
10:51In fact, it's very valuable.
10:53Well, especially if you have the pair.
10:58Oh.
11:00Don't tell Jeff.
11:01This will be our secret.
11:03Yes.
11:03Our secret.
11:05It'll be something Jeff will never have.
11:08Well, it's the thought that counts.
11:11This must have been very expensive.
11:13Oh, so you like expensive things?
11:15No.
11:16Some of my favorite things in life cost nothing.
11:20Picnic on a sunny day, a lovely poem read aloud, watching my friends fail.
11:27Well, I have a marvelous idea.
11:28I'll write a poem about your friends failing and read it to you aloud on a sunny picnic.
11:32That sounds wonderful.
11:34Well, how about Saturday afternoon?
11:35Why not?
11:37Oh.
11:40I have a date.
11:43Jeff doesn't have a date.
11:46But I have a date.
11:49Yes!
11:56Women who run with the wolves, women who love too much, women who love too fast, women
12:01who love to read about women who love too much and too fast.
12:12Excuse me.
12:14You two have been together, what, 100, 150 years?
12:19Forty-two this April.
12:20Forty-two years.
12:22Impressive.
12:23You must have known he was something really special, huh?
12:26Oh, yes.
12:27Tell me, why'd you pick him?
12:29Well, he was very sweet and affectionate.
12:34He had a real flair for romance.
12:38It was the car, wasn't it?
12:41That was the clincher.
12:48Oh, finally.
12:49Did you get him?
12:50Yes.
12:51Permission to speak freely, sir?
12:52Yeah, sure.
12:53You and I have flown a lot of missions together.
12:54If you asked me to put out the sun with my bare hands, I would.
12:57No questions asked.
12:58But if you ever send me out in broad daylight to pick up a bunch of women's magazines again,
13:01I will kill you.
13:04This may sound silly to you, but I have a date with Dr. Albright,
13:08and I want to be sure to say the right thing.
13:10Now, help me out here.
13:11Dick, they're pointless.
13:12They're mind-altering.
13:13They impose arbitrary standards on women.
13:15It's like propaganda for some sort of estrogen cult.
13:19Just read.
13:21Okay.
13:24Okay.
13:25Here's a topic.
13:26You could discuss biology.
13:28Why?
13:28According to a recent survey, seven out of ten women have multiple organisms.
13:36No.
13:37No, you're not the boss of me.
13:39You have to know you have to check, Belize.
13:42What was the problem?
13:43Miss Stoopchek doesn't like scruffy.
13:45Belize says no pets.
13:48Well, but he's so cute.
13:49No, no.
13:50I'm allergic to dogs.
13:51My throat closes off, and I can't breathe.
13:54Oh, but he's so cute.
13:55No, no, I can't breathe.
13:56No, no, I'm sorry.
13:57No, a pooch cannot stay.
13:59Buddy's no cute.
14:02No.
14:04Well, that's too bad, Harry.
14:06I guess you know what you have to do.
14:08Yes.
14:10Scruffy and I must kill Miss Stoopchek.
14:14And hide her body under the floorboards.
14:30What are you doing here?
14:32We're going on our picnic.
14:34Didn't you get my message?
14:35No.
14:35Why?
14:36Oh, my God.
14:37I'm so sorry.
14:38I had to cancel.
14:39Cancel?
14:40Well, it's Jeff's book signing party.
14:43But you don't understand.
14:44I beat him in racquetball.
14:47I can't miss it.
14:48He dedicated his novel to me.
14:50Oh, no.
14:51You can't miss that.
14:53Why don't you come?
14:54Come?
14:56Oh, no.
14:56I've got things to do.
14:58I have to take my Black Forest ham,
15:00my Wheel of Gris,
15:00my Cabernet Sauvignon,
15:02my Limoges trivet,
15:03throw them in the front yard
15:04and set them ablaze in a big bonfire
15:06as a tribute
15:07to Jeff's book signing.
15:21Excuse me.
15:21I'm looking for Jeff Willis.
15:23Oh, he's with his publicist.
15:24He'll be out shortly.
15:26Are you a friend?
15:27Uh, yes.
15:27I'm very close to the steaming pustule.
15:33Harry?
15:33Harry, I've solved your problem.
15:35This young lady needs a dog
15:36for her little girl.
15:38Oh.
15:39He's perfect.
15:40Oh, no.
15:42Scruffy's not about to ruin his life
15:44by running off at some blonde
15:45he met at a cocktail party.
15:47No.
15:55The man of the hour.
15:57Oh, God.
15:58You think you're pretty clever,
16:00don't you?
16:00I happen to know
16:02that every word in your book
16:03was published
16:04years ago.
16:06Perhaps you've read
16:06the dictionary.
16:15You invited me.
16:16This is your fault.
16:17Jeff Willis,
16:18I challenge you
16:19for the hand
16:20of the woman
16:20we both love.
16:22Emily,
16:23I knew you were cheating on me.
16:24No, he's lying,
16:26I swear.
16:26You love her?
16:27My own wife?
16:28So, you love her?
16:29Believe me,
16:29I've never seen this man
16:30before in my life.
16:31Lay off her, Jeff.
16:32I'm the one
16:33that's been sleeping
16:33with your wife, okay?
16:35My own brother?
16:37You're one answer
16:37and I'll get out of your way.
16:38You love her?
16:39And you know what?
16:40The sex is great.
16:43You satanic bastard.
16:47You fraud!
16:50Interesting family.
16:52Look what you've done.
17:06This is very hard
17:08for you, isn't it?
17:09It's the hardest thing
17:11I've had to do
17:12in my entire time
17:13on this planet.
17:15Scruffy, come in.
17:21You're getting on
17:21my nerves, mutt.
17:23So, take a hike.
17:28Go with the kid.
17:30I'm bad news, junior.
17:32I'm trouble, I tell you.
17:34Just go.
17:36Oh.
17:37Who am I kidding?
17:40Well, would you like
17:41to walk him over
17:41to our place?
17:43Oh, sure.
17:44Harry?
17:45You can come over
17:46and play with Scruffy
17:47anytime you want to.
17:48Really?
17:49Yeah, we'd love it.
17:51After my ex-husband,
17:53it's a pleasure
17:54to meet a man
17:55who's so caring.
17:57Oh.
18:05Well, Jeff's brother
18:08needs his jaw wired.
18:09I hope you're proud
18:10of yourself.
18:11You're mad at me.
18:12That's fine.
18:13I'm mad at you.
18:16Why are you mad at me?
18:17You're the expert.
18:18You tell me.
18:20Dr. Sullivan,
18:21what do you want from me?
18:23I want...
18:25I want to be your boyfriend.
18:29Oh.
18:31Are you surprised?
18:32To be honest,
18:34not really.
18:38Well, then what's the problem?
18:41Well, honestly,
18:44there's something about you
18:45that seems odd.
18:48It's as if you were
18:49out of sync
18:49with every other person
18:51on the planet.
18:51How can that be?
18:52Every day I go out of my way
18:53to do things
18:54that appear normal.
18:56What you just said,
18:57that's not normal.
18:59What else?
19:00Well, you...
19:02You act as if you're feeling
19:03everything for the first time.
19:04You have no control
19:06over your emotions.
19:07You tried to feed me
19:09doggy treats.
19:12And?
19:14You're moving way too fast.
19:17Whatever is going to happen
19:18between us,
19:19let's let it evolve
19:21naturally.
19:22All right,
19:22I can go along with that.
19:24Good.
19:24Why don't we shake on it?
19:28Why don't we hug on it?
19:29No, that's true.
19:30All right, please.
19:31You don't know
19:32how important
19:33this hug is to me.
19:34It would give my life
19:34a degree of meaning
19:35that I've only dreamed of.
19:41All right.
19:42All right.
19:46No, I can't...
19:47I can't hug under this pressure.
19:48I can't hug under this pressure.
19:48Try it.
20:00There.
20:02That's all I was asking for.
20:07I want to have your baby.
20:13You know, jealousy defies
20:15all logic.
20:16Jeff's a nice person.
20:18Dr. Albright's a nice person.
20:20But the thought of them
20:22being happy together
20:23just made me crazy.
20:24You think that's bad?
20:26Clark Kent gets jealous
20:27because Lois Lane
20:28likes Superman.
20:29Now that is crazy.
20:32Dick, you know,
20:34I finally figured out
20:35what women really want
20:36in a man.
20:37They want him to drive
20:38a big, powerful vehicle.
20:41You're saying
20:42I should be a bus driver?
20:44Yeah, you'll be beating him
20:45off with a stick.
20:47Dick, if you want to know
20:49how to get what you want
20:49from the ladies,
20:50the answer is simple.
20:52What?
20:53Get a dog.
20:54Wait a minute.
20:56Harry, you didn't...
20:59No.
21:24No.
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