- 12 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf IV -Series 15
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TVTranscript
00:26To be continued...
00:46To be continued...
01:14To be continued...
01:19Oh, there, what did I tell you? It's gone down eight inches overnight.
01:22You'll be up and up out in no time.
01:24I don't know what I'd have done without you these last three weeks, Crichton. You're like Florence Night and Droid.
01:31Shall you bring my breakfast?
01:33Yes, sir. Hot lager with croutons. Just the way you'd ask.
01:36Well, you certainly find out who your mates are when you've got an unsightly disfiguring ailment.
01:41Oh, I wouldn't say unsightly, sir.
01:43Oh, get out of time, Crichton. I've got a head like a hot air balloon. I like the human light
01:48bulb. And how many times have they visited me? How many times have they dropped by with a word of
01:53comfort or a bunch of grapes?
01:55Well, it's just not been possible, sir. Mr. Rimmer's been on vacation.
01:59Vacation? The world's most charismatic man. Where did he go?
02:02He's been on a rambling holiday through the diesel decks, a ten-day hike through the ship's combustion engines with
02:08two of the scutters.
02:09He said he'd pop by later and show you the slides.
02:12He didn't, did he?
02:13Well, he's been loading the projection carousel for 24 hours now, sir.
02:17Have you got to stop him? A slide show the diesel decks? That could really finish me off.
02:23I would have thought the cat would have dropped in, though.
02:26He's been a bit preoccupied of late, but with all this pod business.
02:29Oh, screw down my diodes and call me Frank. I wasn't supposed to mention that.
02:34What pod? Oh, now, you're not well, sir. Now, just forget I mentioned it.
02:39Come on, Crichton. What pod?
02:41Oh, yesterday evening, we came across an escape pod floating in the local asteroid belt.
02:45It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently cryogenically frozen.
02:50Oh, yeah?
02:50All these signs are she's in a suitable condition for revival.
02:54She?
02:55As far as we can tell, she's a she, yes.
02:58That's just great, isn't it? That's just typical.
03:00The first female company in three million years, and I look like something that belongs up a whale's nose.
03:08You can't get up, sir. What are you doing?
03:10What do you think I'm doing? There's a woman on board. I'm on my cock.
03:16So, who is she, Holly?
03:18It says on the pod, Barbara Bellini.
03:20Barbara Bellini. What a beautiful name.
03:24It's no justice. How could this happen to me?
03:28Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
03:30Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj Mahal.
03:35Well, thanks for visiting me, man. Thanks a lot.
03:37Look at you. You know what you look like? It's nauseating.
03:41You could go double dating with the elephant man, and he would be the looker.
03:46Why isn't this activated?
03:48What?
03:48How come no one started up the thought process?
03:50I thought Alphabet Head did it.
03:52So, who is she, man? Where's she from?
03:54Well, who cares? At last. A date.
03:57Who says she's going to be interested in you?
04:00I see what you're saying.
04:01All this time alone in deep space could have driven her insane, right?
04:04No. Say she's just an ordinary person who doesn't go for your type.
04:08I'd have heard about her. She'd have appeared in Ripley's Believe It or Not.
04:11You'd say she's interested in somebody else.
04:13Like who?
04:14I don't know.
04:16Like, well, like me.
04:18You've got a head like a watermelon.
04:20What are you going to do? Paint it with yellow and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback with
04:24the Bengals?
04:25Do you think you're a little bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a real woman before?
04:29I've seen mirrors. I have eyes.
04:32Let's face it, buddy. I have a body that makes men wet.
04:37Have you ever heard of an animal called an Iranian, Gerard?
04:39No.
04:40It can do 150 pelvic thrusts a second.
04:43So?
04:44That's me in slow-mo.
04:46Put a blackened-ecker drill on the end and I can make it through walls, boy!
04:54Listie, what are you doing up?
04:55Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with the rest of the cantaloupes?
04:59Who started the RP?
05:02He didn't.
05:03You simple-minded gim boy. Didn't I tell you to leave this to me?
05:06Look, what's the problem? She's in there. Let's get her out.
05:09The problem, pussycat Willem, is this capsule was ejected from a prison ship.
05:14A prison ship on which the convicts mutinied.
05:17There was a pitched battle with only two survivors.
05:19One prisoner, one guard.
05:21The erstwhile Miss Bellini.
05:23One of those two got into this pod and escaped.
05:25But, of course, you'll know all of this having familiarised yourself thoroughly with a black box recording.
05:30So if it's not Bellini in there, then who is it?
05:33One of the prisoners.
05:35And considering that ship was transporting 40 psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids,
05:42we thought it prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.
05:45With respect, sir, they're not androids, they're simulants.
05:49What's the difference?
05:50Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a human's head and spit down his neck.
05:55Can you stop it, Paul?
05:57What?
05:58Oh, no, one-way process.
06:01Well, can't we find out who's in there by x-raying the pod?
06:04No, lead lining.
06:06Has to survive in space, doesn't it?
06:08Well, there must be some way of finding out.
06:10Well, there is.
06:11All we have to do is hang around here for 24 hours.
06:14Then, if you find your limbs scattered around deep space and your neck full of saliva, you take it as
06:18red.
06:19It probably wasn't bad.
06:21Why don't we tune up with bazookoids, wait for the pub to open, and if it's one of these bad
06:26-ass android dudes, let it eat laser.
06:29A simulants are virtually indestructible, sir.
06:31It could easily withstand a volley of bazookoid fire at close range with only minimal damage.
06:35It would certainly survive long enough to make balloon animals out of your lower intestines.
06:40Well, I see no other option.
06:42Let's blast it back into space.
06:43Hang on.
06:45Say it isn't the simulant.
06:46You can't just shoot an innocent woman into space.
06:49What a dilemma.
06:52Inside this pod is either death or a date.
06:55Personally, I'm prepared to take the risk.
06:58Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting and we still haven't decided what to do.
07:02Holly, any ideas?
07:03Right, here's a possibility.
07:04The black box contains the coordinates of the penal colony the prison ship was heading for.
07:09So?
07:10Well, there's bound to be facilities there to contain any hostile life for.
07:14If it turns out to be Bellini, we release her.
07:16If it's the simulant, we can bung him in a cell and leave him to rot.
07:20If the colony's still there, and if it's still operational.
07:23There's an old android saying which I believe has particular relevance here.
07:27It goes like this.
07:28If you don't go sub a program loop, you'll never get a subroutine.
07:32Yeah, we have a human expression which is pretty similar.
07:34Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
07:36Oh, no, I think the android one is punchier.
07:43Do you have to sit up here?
07:44It's warmer in the front.
07:45It helps my gunge.
07:46I can't see anything.
07:47Your head keeps getting in the way of the mirror.
07:50In fact, your head keeps getting in the way of the windscreen.
07:53Next.
07:53Ah, now this one.
07:54We reach this beauty on the evening of the fourth day.
07:58The Cameron Mackintosh 40-valve air-cooled diesel.
08:01The 184.
08:03Almost identical to the 179, but have you noticed the difference?
08:06See the refinement in the funnel edgings?
08:12I thought we're never going to get another chance to see one of these, so we bivouac down for the
08:15night under the fuel pump.
08:17There's a funny story about that, which I'll tell you later.
08:19But we're not going to get to any of the class fives unless we push along.
08:22Next.
08:24Ah, another thing.
08:25Well, sir, could we take a break for a while?
08:27It appears my intelligence circuits have melted.
08:32Well, we're not going to get through them all, Crichton, if we take a second break.
08:35Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
08:39Now, the class 40s, the first twin...
08:45Oh, my God.
08:48His head burns.
08:53That is better.
08:55That is so much better.
08:57I feel good.
08:58Talk about a weight off your mind.
09:02I don't want to live.
09:04Now, please, shoot me in the head.
09:10Just down there, Hoth.
09:12No life forms.
09:13Not according to the heat scan.
09:14Any mechanical intelligence?
09:16Yeah.
09:17The mainframe's still operational.
09:19Just initiate an interface.
09:20Hang about.
09:21Here we go.
09:22Getting a message.
09:24Welcome to Justice World.
09:26Please state your clearance code and a prison officer are identified.
09:29We're not a prison ship.
09:30We don't have a clearance code.
09:31We just want to use your facilities.
09:33State life form inventory.
09:35Four.
09:36One hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid.
09:39Transfer should never come to my jurisdiction.
09:42Okay, guys.
09:43For landing, please disembark and proceed through the neutral area to the clearance code.
09:57Until you are granted a clearance code, please observe all security requirements.
10:02Your party will be met by a consignment of escort booths.
10:10Please step into the booths.
10:18I'm supposed to wear these?
10:20These look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
10:23And you got anything with a Cuban heel or a crepe sole?
10:26I can't wear these.
10:27I'm a hologram.
10:28That has been accounted for.
10:34Now what?
10:36Now what?
10:40Oh, God.
10:48What's this?
10:49Oh, relax, sir.
10:50It's just a mind probe.
10:56Hang on a minute.
10:57What's a mind probe?
10:57Oh, the computer was just searching our minds, presumably for any evidence of criminal activity, sir.
11:04What do you mean, criminal activity?
11:06Well, I wouldn't worry about it, sir.
11:07It's just a routine clearance procedure.
11:09Yeah, yeah.
11:10But when you say criminal activity, what do you mean by criminal activity?
11:13I mean, how criminal do you mean by criminal?
11:15What are you bleeding on about, Lister?
11:16It's just a fine criminal activity for me, that's all.
11:19Well, imagine a situation where someone had committed a crime and concealed it from the law.
11:23The mind probe would be able to uncover that crime and sentence that person accordingly.
11:28Why did no one tell me this before I put the smegging boots on?
11:31Ah, listy, listy, is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your trousers?
11:37Or do I detect you're a tad concerned?
11:39Well, come on, guys.
11:40Everyone's done something in their past that's been a little bit illegal.
11:43No, I haven't. I've never seen much as get a parking ticket.
11:45Oh, smacking it.
11:47So what did you do?
11:48Well, like scrumping.
11:49When I was a kid back in Liverpool, we used to always go scrumping.
11:51Oh, stealing apples, that's hardly a crime, sir.
11:54Yeah, but me and me mates, we used to go scrumping for cars.
11:58Did you get caught?
11:59All the time, I was stupid.
12:00Oh, well, there's no problem then. You've already served your punishment.
12:03There was other things as a kid, though. Things I didn't get caught for.
12:06Like what?
12:07Well, it was just one time at this hotel.
12:09Oh, lots of people take towels from a hotel, sir.
12:11Right up to bed.
12:13You wouldn't lock the window to me mates outside.
12:15I was renting this flat, you see. It wasn't finished.
12:18You mean to say you went to a hotel and stole the bed?
12:20Stole the entire room?
12:22Absolutely despicable. You're a common thief.
12:24I'm not making excuses, but everyone was doing it.
12:27I wasn't strong enough to go against the flow.
12:29I would not like to be in your boots right now, buddy.
12:32Why? What do you think's going to happen to me?
12:34Oh, don't worry about it, sir.
12:35I'm sure they're not going to be interested in some minor misdemeanor you committed as an adolescent over three million
12:40years ago.
12:41Seriously, Crichton, do you reckon?
12:42Boy, I'm really getting the hang of this lie mode.
12:45That was totally convincing, wasn't it?
12:51The metaloid Python.
12:53Clearance granted.
12:55You may go freely about the complex.
13:04The creature known as Cat.
13:07Clearance granted.
13:11Hey, I hear they do good bread and water here, buddy.
13:15The human known as Lister.
13:18Despite a number of petty criminal acts.
13:21Clearance granted.
13:23Clearance granted.
13:29The hologram known as Rimmer.
13:32Guilty of second-degree murder.
13:361,167 counts.
13:40No, there must be some mistake, surely.
13:43Each count carries a statutory penalty of eight years' penal servitude.
13:48In the light of your hologrammatic status,
13:51these sentences are to be served consecutively,
13:53making a total sentence of
13:559,328 years.
14:00Oh, I've never so much as returned a library book late.
14:03Second-degree murder?
14:051,000 people?
14:07I would have remembered.
14:08Your willful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate
14:13resulted in the deaths of the entire crew
14:16of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel,
14:19the Red Dwarf.
14:20Oh, that!
14:24Sentence to commence immediately.
14:29You are now leaving the future,
14:31and a minister of the Justice Reserve.
14:33Now, at this point,
14:35it is impossible to commit a petty act of injustice.
14:39Help!
14:45Hi, killer.
14:479,000 years.
14:49Nine.
14:50I brought you a book.
14:53Oh, thanks.
14:54That'll really help the centuries fly past.
14:56Yeah, don't panic, man.
14:57We're going to get you out of here.
14:59Why bother?
14:59I'll be up for parole in another couple of ice ages.
15:01Look, Crichton reckons you've got the right of appeal.
15:03He's trying to put a case together right now.
15:05This isn't a bad place for a prison.
15:07How come there's no locks or bars or guards or anything?
15:10There doesn't need to be.
15:12The whole prison complex is covered
15:13by something called the Justice Field.
15:15I had to sit through this tedious lecture.
15:18Apparently, it's physically impossible
15:19to commit any sort of crime here.
15:21What do you mean?
15:22Just try and commit a crime.
15:24You'll see.
15:25Well, like what?
15:26I don't know.
15:26Anything.
15:27Arson.
15:28Try and set fire to those sheets.
15:30Okay.
15:31Go on.
15:32Try it.
15:35Whatever crime you try and commit,
15:37the consequences happen to you.
15:41Smack it out!
15:46Nice example, Remy.
15:48Nice example.
15:50You couldn't just explain that to me verbally.
15:53It's the same with stealing.
15:55Same with everything.
15:56Right, I'm with you.
15:57So if you nick something,
15:58something of yours goes missing, yeah?
16:00Right.
16:01Try it.
16:04No.
16:06You see, it's the perfect system.
16:08It forces the inmates to adhere to the law.
16:10Once they get out, it's become second nature.
16:12Good news.
16:13The Justice Computer has sanctioned a retrial.
16:15I think we have a very strong case.
16:18You do?
16:18It's simply a question of differentiating
16:21between guilt and culpability, sir.
16:23What the mind probe detected
16:24was your own sense of guilt about the accident.
16:27In a way, you tried and convicted yourself.
16:29Well, I simply have to establish
16:30that you are a neurotic, underachieving, emotional retard
16:34whose ambition far outstrips his minuscule ability
16:37and consequently blames himself for an accident
16:40for which he could not possibly have been responsible.
16:42You're going to prove that I was innocent of negligence
16:45on the grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
16:48Man, there ain't a jury in the land
16:49that wouldn't buy a plea like that.
16:52Well, no, not a half-wit, exactly.
16:55More a buffoon.
16:56But how would you begin to build such a case?
16:58Where would you conjure up the evidence?
16:59Sir, providing I can have complete free access
17:01to your personal data files,
17:03I think I could come up with the outline
17:05of a winning case by lunchtime.
17:08The mind probe was created to detect guilt.
17:12Yet, in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer,
17:17the guilt it detected attaches to no crime.
17:21He held a position of little or no importance on Red Dwarf.
17:24He was a lowly grease monkey, a zero, a nothing,
17:28a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life.
17:32Yet, he could never come to terms
17:34with a lifetime of underachievement.
17:36His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it.
17:40He's like the security guard on the front gate
17:42who considers himself head of the corporation.
17:45So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident,
17:49Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame.
17:51It was his ship, ergo his fault.
17:55I asked the court, look at this man.
17:58This man who sat and failed his astro-navigation exam
18:02on no less than 13 occasions.
18:05This sad man, this pathetic man,
18:08this joke of a man, this...
18:09Crichton, you're going over the top.
18:10The court will never buy it.
18:12Sir, trust me, my whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.
18:17Understood.
18:18I call my first witness.
18:26Name?
18:27Dave Lister.
18:29Occupation?
18:34Boom.
18:36Would you describe the accused as a friend?
18:39Take the fifth.
18:40Now, please answer the question.
18:42Remember, you are under polygraphic surveillance.
18:44Would you describe the accused as a friend?
18:47No, I'd describe the accused as a git.
18:50Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
18:54I do.
18:55And are there no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
18:58Only one, but she's got a puncture.
19:03Objection!
19:05Overruled.
19:06So you wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life?
19:09No.
19:10He partied less than Rudolf Hess.
19:12He was totally dedicated to his career.
19:14He was in charge of Z-Shift, you see,
19:16and it occupied his every waking moment.
19:18And what was Z-Shift's most important duty?
19:21Well, we had a lot of important duties on the ship,
19:23but I guess our most vital responsibility
19:26was making sure the vending machines
19:28didn't run out of front-sized crunchy bars.
19:30Can you ever envisage a situation
19:33where the lack of honeycomb-centered chocolate bars
19:36might be the direct cores of a lethal radiation leak?
19:41Not off the top of my head, no.
19:43You may sit down.
19:46I ask the court one key question.
19:49Would the Space Corps ever have allowed this man
19:53to be in a position of authority
19:55where he might endanger the entire crew?
19:57A man so petty and small-minded,
20:00he would while away his evenings
20:02sewing name labels onto his ship-issue condoms.
20:07A man of such awesome stupidity...
20:10Objection!
20:11Objection overruled!
20:13A man of such awesome stupidity,
20:15he even objects to his own defense counsel.
20:19An overzealous, trumped-up little squirt.
20:21Objection!
20:23Overruled!
20:23An incompetent vending machine repairman
20:25with a Napoleon complex,
20:27who commanded as much respect and affection
20:29from his fellow crew members
20:31as Long John Silver's parrot?
20:33Objection!
20:34If you object to your own counsel once more,
20:37Mr. River,
20:38you'll be in contact.
20:39Who would permit this man,
20:41this joke of a man,
20:43this man who could not outwit a used teabag,
20:46to be in a position
20:47where he might endanger the entire crew?
20:49Who?
20:50Only a yogurt.
20:53This man is not guilty of manslaughter.
20:56He is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer.
21:00That is his crime.
21:02It is also his punishment.
21:06The defense rests.
21:09Verdict on the defendant will now be passed.
21:11In view of your counsel's eloquent defense,
21:14together with the reams of material evidence
21:15he submitted on computer card,
21:17this court accepts that, in your case,
21:20the mind probe is not an adequate method
21:22of ascertaining guilt.
21:24It is not possible for you
21:25to have committed the crimes
21:26for which you blame yourself,
21:29and you may therefore go free.
21:32Objection!
21:33Sir, what are you objecting to now?
21:35I want an apology.
21:41Brilliant, Crichton.
21:42What can I say?
21:43You were brilliant.
21:44You even had me believing it.
21:45The way you twisted the facts
21:46to make them fit this pattern.
21:48Come on, let's get out of here.
21:50I don't know what made us want to come
21:51to this hellhole in the first place.
21:53I do.
21:54Mmm.
21:56Can I smell perfume?
21:57I doubt it.
21:59Are you running chance Barbara Bellini?
22:02I didn't think so!
22:07What's going on?
22:11To think I caressed his pod!
22:33You are now in playing the justice zone.
22:36We all just hold to this very possible
22:38to commit any and cognitive justice.
22:42You are now entering the justice zone.
22:45Beyond this point,
22:46it is impossible to commit any and cognitive justice.
23:17Hey.
23:19My friends.
23:21I don't want any trouble.
23:23I just want your space.
23:27Well, give me the start-up code.
23:30Look, I have no weapon.
23:32What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
23:36I can't.
23:37He's not armed.
23:39Listen, this is not a scout meeting.
23:40We're not trying to win best-behaved troop flag.
23:42Gloop him.
23:46What, in the back?
23:47Of course, in the back.
23:48It's only a pity he's awake.
23:51You mean you could happily kill him if he was asleep?
23:54I could happily kill him if he was on the job.
23:59It's immoral.
24:01Come on, my friend.
24:03You wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid.
24:07Come out and let's discuss it.
24:12I'm going to go and talk to him.
24:22You want to talk?
24:24Let's talk.
24:27You have no weapons?
24:29No.
24:31You have no weapons?
24:33No.
24:41Well, guess what?
24:44I lied.
24:47Guess what?
24:50So did I.
24:52But I lied.
24:54Twice.
24:58Didn't think of that.
25:01What do you want to talk about?
25:03Your death.
25:06Your imminent death.
25:22What the speck is going on?
25:47You're making it.
25:48Get me on head with this.
25:50Malfunction.
25:51Does not compute.
25:54Action.
25:58Action.
26:00Action.
26:02Action.
26:16I got him, buddy.
26:18Leave this to me.
26:19No.
26:20No.
26:20Better late than never.
26:48Better late than never.
26:50Hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever.
26:53Those guys built a penal colony.
26:55They tried to bring some odds to the universe by creating the justice field.
26:58The way you live in an environment where justice does exist, you have no free will.
27:02That's why in our universe you can never have true natural justice, guy.
27:05Good things will happen to bad people and bad things will happen to good people.
27:08It's the way it's going to be.
27:09Life by its very nature has to be cruel, unkind and unfair.
27:15Thank God for that.
27:21It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
27:29Let me fly, I'm far away from here.
27:32Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
27:38I want to lie, ship's legs, you call my toes, taking fresh mango juice.
27:45Go fish, you're slipping up my toes.
27:48Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
27:55Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
28:02Fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
28:09sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
28:09sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
28:09sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
28:10sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
28:10sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun, sun,
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