- 3 minutes ago
Tv, Red Dwarf I -Series 1-E4
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TVTranscript
00:00.
01:30I am Holly, the ship's computer with an IQ of 6,000, the same IQ as 6,000 PE teachers.
01:37A lantern excavating for the night who lived an old petroleum miner down his dorms at Clementine.
01:46Lister RD 52169.
01:49Yes? Can I help you?
01:52You've got a lisp?
01:53Yes, I know. The lisp malfunction has been reported to the Scutters.
01:57Sorry for the inconvenience.
01:58Can you give me a bacon sandwich with French mustard and black coffee?
02:05Your vocabulary, you know, it's not working either.
02:08Yes, I know. This also has been reported to the Scutters.
02:11Sorry for the inconvenience.
02:12Can you just try and give me a black coffee?
02:15I'll certainly try.
02:21That's a bookie.
02:22Sorry.
02:25Good morning, Lister. How is life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied species?
02:31Ah, what's the plan for the day, then?
02:33Slobbing in the morning followed by slobbing in the afternoon
02:35and a bit of a snooze before the main evening slob?
02:38God, you're a disgrace to the species.
02:44Good morning, Rimmer.
02:48Clock stop.
02:506.47. Not a bad little time for the mile.
02:54Pity I was only doing the 300 metres.
02:56Still, I had that conversation with Lister, knocked four minutes off for that.
03:01Then I stopped to have a rest so I wouldn't look too shagged out when I went past him.
03:05Knocked that off.
03:06Then I'd broken the world record.
03:08Well done, Rimsie. You're fitter than you thought.
03:10Holly, give me a clean uniform.
03:129.47am, Arnold.
03:14No, a clean uniform, you idiot.
03:16Look, I'm rather busy at the moment.
03:18Now!
03:23Give me a crew cut, Holly.
03:25I'm beginning to look like one of those hell's angels.
03:28Arnold, we're going to hit light speed in 24 hours.
03:32I have to navigate a ship the size of a city
03:34through speeds never before encountered in the human sphere of experience.
03:38I'm not a combination of the speaking clock, moss-bross and teasy-weezy.
03:43Holly, a hologram I may be, but I'm still the highest-ranking technician aboard this ship.
03:49When I say do something, you do it.
03:52Understand?
03:52You stupid, jumped-up filofax.
03:55I'm a what?
03:56You heard.
03:57Just get on with it.
03:58Very short.
04:00OK, Arnold.
04:04Have you done it, Holly?
04:06Yes.
04:07A crew cut, and it's very short?
04:09Yes, Arnold.
04:10As my father always said,
04:12shiny, clean boots and a spanking short haircut,
04:16and you can cope with anything.
04:17Except for all that rather unfortunate suicide business.
04:27Ah, now that one's me with Jim Bexley-Speed.
04:30He played for the London Jet Zero gravity football team.
04:33He was roof attack.
04:34As you can see,
04:35he was really, really, really, really, really thrilled to meet me.
04:40Who's that guy?
04:41That's me grandmother.
04:44She was a great old lady.
04:46I got expelled from school once,
04:48cos she nutted the headmaster when I came bottom in French.
04:51Wow, that's nice.
04:52That's just a Jupiter rise.
04:53Everyone takes that shot.
04:57Who is that?
04:59That's me dad.
05:00That's the only picture of God.
05:02He's your father.
05:03No wonder you're so ugly.
05:05No, no, that's his dog, Hannah.
05:07Dog?
05:08What's a dog?
05:08It's just a pet.
05:10Ugly.
05:11Listen, you go and get your stuff and let me pack mine, OK?
05:14Will you do that for me?
05:16This dog,
05:17he better not be around here anyplace,
05:19cos if he is,
05:20I may have to chase him.
05:22Oh, yeah?
05:23Yeah.
05:23Do you know how big they are?
05:25They're about 18 foot long.
05:26And they've got teeth as big as your leg.
05:29Yeah?
05:30Yeah?
05:30Well, I may have to chase him anyway.
05:32Oh!
05:36Oh, Lennon.
05:38Look what's happened to McCartney.
05:43Hey!
05:50Oh, Lennon.
05:57Engineering!
05:58Hey!
05:59Perfection!
06:01And they said she was a waste of money.
06:13What's he looking at?
06:15Who?
06:16That idiotic cat.
06:22Rimmer, what have you done to your hair?
06:24Ollie did it.
06:25Why?
06:26Because I ordered it to.
06:27It looks ridiculous.
06:28It may look ridiculous to you, Lister, but I like it like this.
06:32It makes me feel like a man.
06:35Yeah, and you'll probably get one looking like that.
06:38There's nothing wrong with short hair, Lister.
06:40It gives a man a sense of dignity, a sense of discipline.
06:43Rimmer, have you seen?
06:44I don't need to see it.
06:46I didn't get this haircut to look good.
06:48This is a haircut designed for action, not poncing around in.
06:52Maybe a bit severe, a bit too green beret.
06:58But you are how you look.
07:00And I look like a complete and total tit.
07:06Holly, Holly!
07:08This is a recording.
07:10I'm afraid Holly is busy at the moment.
07:12If you'd like to leave a message after the bleep, he'll get back to you.
07:16Bleep.
07:18Holly, this is Rimmer.
07:20Remember me?
07:21Rimmer.
07:21Arnold Rimmer.
07:22The poor goit you made look like Helen Shapiro.
07:26I'll see you toast on the fires of hell for this.
07:29Did someone say they wanted toast?
07:31Shut up.
07:33What are you doing?
07:35I'm going into stasis.
07:36I thought Holly told you.
07:37Stasis?
07:38What for?
07:39Well, Holly said to go into it while I went through Lightspeed.
07:41And then I thought, what the hell?
07:42Why not stay until we get back to Earth?
07:45Earth?
07:45That's three million years away.
07:47You can't leave me alone for three million years.
07:48I'll go peculiar.
07:53Holly, look, I'm sorry.
07:54I didn't mean to be rude.
07:55Can I please have my own hair back?
07:58Pretty please with sugar on?
08:00I'll think about it, Arnold.
08:05Holly's supposed to have told you.
08:06I thought you didn't mind.
08:08Mind?
08:09Mind?
08:09Why should I mind?
08:10Three hundred thousand millennia alone while you're in suspended animation.
08:14I'll be fine.
08:15I'll do that crossword book.
08:16That should kill a couple of centuries.
08:17Holly will switch you off until we come back out.
08:20Even better.
08:21Switch me on, switch me off like I'm some battery-powered sex aid.
08:24Oh, come on, Rimmer.
08:25Don't give me this.
08:26Don't give you what?
08:27I'm dead, Lister.
08:28Or haven't you noticed?
08:29I know you're dead, Rimmer.
08:30Don't whinge on about it.
08:33Sorry to be a bore.
08:35I mean, everything you wear when you were alive, same personality, same everything.
08:40Apart from the minuscule detail that I'm a stiffy.
08:44But Rimmer, death isn't the handicap it used to be in the olden days.
08:47It doesn't screw your career up like it used to.
08:49That's what they say, Lister, but if you had two people coming for a job and one of them
08:52was dead, which one would you choose?
08:56It depends which is better qualified.
08:59Bullpats.
08:59When was the last time you saw a dead newsreader?
09:03Channel 27.
09:04I have a hologram reading the news.
09:06Oh, groovy, funky Channel 27.
09:11Big smegging deal.
09:12You Libby's hate us, deadies.
09:13Rimmer, if I'm going to go back to Earth, I'm going to have to go into stasis.
09:18It's going to take 4,000 years just to turn around.
09:21You can't do a 3.10 when you're this close to light speed, you know.
09:25Oh, really?
09:25Where did you read that?
09:26The Lady Bird Book of Astro Navigation?
09:29It happens to be true.
09:31I know it's true, Modo.
09:32I have taken the Astro Navigation exam nine times.
09:35Ten, if you count the time I had my spasm.
09:39Rimmer, you'll only be turned off until we get back to Earth.
09:42Where you won't need me, so I won't get switched back on.
09:45They might be able to cure you.
09:46Yeah, they probably made great advances in that while we've been away.
09:49Oh, yes, I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth.
09:53I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead.
09:56Hello, Mrs Johnson.
09:57Take one of these three times a day.
09:59You'll soon be living again.
10:00Carol, next corpse, please.
10:03Or they might.
10:04Yes, Lister, they might if the Earth hasn't blown up.
10:06Or the ants haven't taken over.
10:09Well, you'll be in your element if insects are in control.
10:12You'll probably get a decent job at last.
10:14You'll probably run for government.
10:16Yes.
10:17You'll probably even make it as a male model.
10:22Yes.
10:34Today, time's up.
10:41Yes, sir, I've been around.
10:44But there ain't no place in the whole of this bay.
10:50Like that good old toddlin' town.
10:55Oh, Lunar City 7.
11:13You can't sing, you know.
11:15And you can, can you?
11:16Oh, just because I'm a toaster, I'm tone deaf.
11:20Well, go on, then.
11:22Welcome to the Starlight Ballroom.
11:24Hey, fly me to the moon and let me.
11:30Lunar City 7.
11:32In my life.
11:34Ten years of love.
11:36You can know the toddlin' town.
11:40What was that?
11:41Um, 11.14 ship time, Dave.
11:45No, Holly, what was that flash?
11:48We've broken the light barrier 22 hours early.
11:51Oh.
11:52Is everyone all right?
11:53I can't do it.
11:54I can't cope.
11:56We're going at the speed of light.
11:57Me bottle's gone.
11:59Holly, is everyone all right?
12:02No, I'm not.
12:03I thought I could navigate at light speed,
12:05but I just can't wrap me head round it.
12:08Gordon Bennett, that was a close one.
12:11Holly, what's the problem?
12:12You're supposed to have an IQ of 6,000, aren't you?
12:15Look, we're travelling faster than the speed of light.
12:17That means by the time we see something,
12:19we've already passed through it.
12:21Even with an IQ of 6,000,
12:22it's still brown trousers time.
12:27Can I help?
12:28No, it's all right.
12:29I'm getting the hang of it now.
12:31Left a bit.
12:32Straighten her up.
12:33I better go.
12:36To get any meat and tighten,
12:38yes, sir, up and around.
12:43Rimmer, Rimmer!
12:57To get any meat and tighten,
12:59and yes, sir, I've been...
13:03Rimmer!
13:06What? What is it?
13:08Did you see anything really weird in that mirror?
13:13Yes, you, you ugly goit.
13:15No, it was... it was really odd.
13:18What was?
13:19Oh, nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter.
13:22What doesn't matter?
13:23Nothing, forget it, it doesn't matter.
13:26Lister, have you been to that marijuana gin again?
13:28I said, forget it, it doesn't matter.
13:31Fine, well, if you have any more problems with nothing
13:33and things that don't matter,
13:35just scream out my name hysterically
13:36and I'll come pelting down the corridor, all right?
13:45This little kitty went to stay since
13:47or this little kitty stayed home.
13:52Yeah, my clothes look good.
13:54What are you doing?
13:55I'm doing what you said, dude.
13:58I said, take a few essential basics
14:00you couldn't bear to leave behind.
14:02Right, these are all I'm taking.
14:04Just these and the other ten racks.
14:07And we're like, woofers.
14:09You can't take all of this, there's no room.
14:12Okay, then I'll leave...
14:15This!
14:17I'll just have to do without it.
14:20You can take two suits and that's it.
14:22Two suits?
14:23Then I'm staying.
14:24You can't stay.
14:25By the time I come out, you'll be dead.
14:27Two suits is dead.
14:29Hey, if I cut off my leg and leave it behind,
14:32can I take three?
14:34You go into stasis in ten minutes,
14:36I'll meet you in a sleeping quarters.
14:39Yo, Rimmer, look, I've been thinking.
14:41What?
14:41You know, I'm not going into stasis and everything.
14:43Listen, how did I do what?
14:48What do you mean, how did I do what?
14:51Lister, don't be a Gimboid.
14:52I'm not being a Gimboid.
14:57I've just been in the library thinking
14:59and I've decided...
15:01Shut up!
15:03As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,
15:07I've decided when you go into stasis,
15:08I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.
15:10What, on your own for the rest of your life?
15:12What things, eh?
15:16I said what?
15:17What's going on?
15:19You're space crazy.
15:21I'm space crazy!
15:22You're the one who's...
15:24space crazy?
15:26Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like it.
15:35Ah! Rimmer!
15:38I've just seen you walk out of that door.
15:40What?
15:41How did you do that?
15:43How did I do what?
15:44You used to second walk out of that door.
15:47Lister, don't be a Gimboid.
15:48I swear on me grandmother's life as you walked out of that door.
15:52You came in this one.
15:53I've just been in the library thinking and I've decided...
15:56Rimmer, I'm telling you.
15:57Shut up!
15:58As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,
16:01I've decided when you go into stasis,
16:02I want to stay behind, I want to be left on.
16:04Rimmer, you've just come in and said exactly these things.
16:07What things?
16:07You said that.
16:08I said what?
16:09And that.
16:10You said that.
16:11You are space crazy.
16:13And then you said,
16:13well, it probably is deja vu.
16:16Well, it probably is deja vu, it sounds like.
16:20Well, go on, then.
16:21Shake your head and walk out.
16:27Rimmer, listen.
16:28Will you just listen?
16:29My tooth, my tooth.
16:30I think I lost my tooth.
16:32Can't wait.
16:32Rimmer, listen.
16:34I'm going to eat you little fishies.
16:37I'm going to eat you.
16:39Listen.
16:39I was just making sure your fish are okay.
16:42I wasn't going to eat them.
16:45He just walked past us.
16:47It must be something to do with light speed.
16:49Holly, what's going on?
16:50It's light speed, I bet you.
16:51Is your name Holly?
16:52Is your name Hal?
16:53Holly?
16:54Hmm?
16:55What is going on?
16:56Look, I'm a 10th generation AI hologrammic computer.
17:00I'm not your mum.
17:01Yes, fantastic.
17:03What do you want this time?
17:04A hand with your homework?
17:06Or would you like me to sew little name tags in your PE kit?
17:09Holly, watch my lips.
17:12What is happening?
17:15With the mirror and the cat and everything.
17:17Oh, that.
17:18You're seeing future echoes.
17:20Didn't I explain this to you?
17:21What are future echoes?
17:23How simple do you want this?
17:25So Lister can understand it.
17:27Oh, dear.
17:29It's difficult, I know.
17:31Well, we're travelling faster than LS, right?
17:34What's LS?
17:35Lightspeed.
17:36Smartass.
17:38Consequently, you're catching up with things you're about to do before you've actually done them.
17:42Ah, so we're seeing bits of the future?
17:45Yes.
17:46See, I told you it was lightspeed.
17:47You should have asked me.
17:49Can they see us?
17:50Of course not.
17:51Use your loaf.
17:51So wait, are you saying that the cat is going to break his tooth sometime in the future?
17:56Yes, I didn't think you wanted it this simple.
17:59Ain't nobody going to break my tooth.
18:01How long is this going to last?
18:03Until the reverse thrust takes effect and we drop below light speed.
18:08What's that photograph?
18:09It's me and Frankenstein, isn't it?
18:10No, the one with the babies.
18:13Babies?
18:14I've never seen it before.
18:16Ah, Holly, is this what you call a future echo?
18:19Yes, of course it is, bozo.
18:24Two babies?
18:26How do I get two babies?
18:32Gang, we can't tell you, yes, we're wrapping around.
18:35But there ain't no place in a whole space.
18:38What's this, guys?
18:41Don't go into stasis.
18:42Please don't leave us with Rimmer.
18:45I'm sorry, guys.
18:47I've got to.
18:47We need you.
18:48I mean, there's nothing for me here.
18:49I want to go back to Earth.
18:51Oh, don't do that.
18:52I mean, I don't care what it's like.
18:54It's got to be better than this.
18:55I don't care if the dolphins have taken over
18:57and all the people in the human being-atarium, you know?
19:00I just want to find out.
19:02Oh, what was that?
19:19Brace yourself for a bit of a shock, Lister, but I just saw you die.
19:22What?
19:23I didn't want you to brace yourself.
19:25You didn't give me much of a chance.
19:27I gave you ample bracing time.
19:28No, you didn't.
19:29You didn't even pause.
19:30Well, I'm sorry.
19:31I've just had a rather nasty experience.
19:34I have just seen someone I know die in the most hideous, hideous way.
19:39Yeah, me.
19:41You were fiddling around with a nappy-
19:42I don't want to know.
19:44I don't want to know.
19:45You don't want to know how you died?
19:46No.
19:48Was it quick?
19:49Well, I wouldn't say it was super fast.
19:52Not after you count the thrashing around and the agonised squealing.
19:57You're really loving this, aren't you?
19:59What a horrible thing to say.
20:01It was definitely me.
20:02Oh, yes.
20:03I don't want to know.
20:05How old did I look?
20:07How old do you know?
20:0725.
20:08How old did I look?
20:10Mid-20s.
20:11Smeg!
20:13I'm not ready.
20:14I'm not smegging ready.
20:16You did seem surprised.
20:19Ah, did you actually see me face?
20:21You were wearing a hat, but it was definitely you.
20:24Well, there you go.
20:24I won't wear a hat.
20:25And it can't happen, can it?
20:26I can live without a hat.
20:28Lister, it has happened.
20:30You can't change it any more than you can change what you had for breakfast yesterday.
20:33Yeah, it hasn't happened, has it?
20:34It has, will have, going to have happened, happened.
20:37But it hasn't actually happened, happened yet, actually.
20:41Poppycock.
20:42It will be happened.
20:43It shall be going to be happening.
20:45It will be was an event that could, will have been, taken place in the future.
20:49Simple as that.
20:51Your bucket's been kicked, baby.
20:53Says you.
20:55Says me and Albert Einstein, thank you very much.
20:58Albo and I happen to agree on this one.
21:00It's called the theory of relativity.
21:02Right, okay, okay.
21:05Right.
21:06The cat broke his tooth in a future echo, right?
21:10Now, if I can stop him breaking it.
21:12Can't be done.
21:12Then it can stop me from dying.
21:14Can't be done.
21:15Now, how would the cat break his tooth?
21:16Dun, dun, dun, dun.
21:19I'd be eating something, eating something hard.
21:24My robot goldfish, eating my robot goldfish.
21:27Holly, where's the cat?
21:28He's just going into your sleeping quarters, Dave.
21:30Oh, smack in hell.
21:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:35I'm back.
21:36Feeling good.
21:38How am I looking?
21:44Good.
21:46Now, I wish I was someone else.
21:47Then I could kiss me.
21:49I think I'll investigate these.
21:53I just ate.
21:55But one little fishy.
21:56Yeah, yeah.
21:57I'm going to eat you little fishies.
22:00I'm going to eat you little fishies.
22:03Yeah, yeah.
22:04Oh, yeah, yeah.
22:06Yeah, yeah.
22:07Yeah, I got you, man.
22:08I'm going to...
22:13I got the fish.
22:14I'm not going to die.
22:15I'm not going to die.
22:16Easy monkey, you trace my suit.
22:19My tooth.
22:20My tooth, my tooth.
22:21I think I lost my tooth.
22:24I'm not going to die.
22:27Lister, allow me to be the first to offer my commiserations.
22:34You're really, really loving this, aren't you?
22:36Come on, death isn't a handicap it used to be in the olden days.
22:40It doesn't screw your career up the way it used to.
22:43You're right.
22:44There's always some good in every situation.
22:46Absolutely, Lister.
22:47And in this case, you're about to do the largest splits you'll ever do in your life.
22:51I get blown up then.
22:53Bits of you do.
22:55It's not fair.
22:58There's loads of things I've never done.
23:00Like, I've never had a prawn vindaloo.
23:04And I've never read a book.
23:08And I wanted to have a family.
23:10And I wanted to have loads of practising the things that you've got to do to get a family.
23:16Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo.
23:20Black Border begins,
23:22To Dave Lister, condolences on your passing away.
23:26What's that poem?
23:28Now, weary traveller, rest your head.
23:32For just like me, you're utterly dead.
23:36Emergency. Emergency.
23:38There's an emergency going on.
23:40What is it, Hull?
23:42There's an emergency, Dave.
23:44The Navicomp's overheating.
23:45I need your help in the drive-room.
23:48Coming number 169.
23:50Your time is up.
23:51OK, what was I wearing?
23:53Uh, that jacket and that red T-shirt.
23:58You said yourself.
24:00I can't stop it.
24:01Let's get it over with.
24:02Uh, Lister, what's that for?
24:05I'm going out like I came in.
24:06Screaming and kicking.
24:07You can't whack death on the head.
24:10If he comes near me,
24:11I'm going to rip his nipples off.
24:26I'm afraid it can't cope with the influx of data at light speed, Dave.
24:30Could you hook it up to the drive computer for me?
24:48Six.
24:52Five.
24:56Five.
24:59Three.
25:01Five.
25:12I did it. I'm not going to die.
25:17Dog attack.
25:26I don't know why you're so chirpy.
25:28For how long? It'll probably be up tomorrow or Thursday.
25:31Maybe it's not going to happen at all.
25:32It was you. I saw you. I'm sure it was you.
25:38Oh, Dave. This is me. I mean you. I mean, I am you.
25:45This is you aged 171, Dave.
25:48I know you're there, because when I was your age,
25:52I saw me at my age telling you what I'm about to tell you.
25:57You've got to tell you when you get to be me.
26:00Thank heavens you've still got all your marbles, mister.
26:04I've got to tell you about Bexley.
26:07Who's Bexley?
26:08I was always going to call my second son Bexley after Jim Bexley Speed.
26:12Your second son? What were you going to call your first son?
26:14Jim, after Jim Bexley Speed.
26:16It wasn't you, Rimmer, saw in the drive room.
26:19It was Bexley.
26:20Rimmer, you saw me son die?
26:23Never mind this tot.
26:24What about me, old man? What happens to me? Do I become an officer?
26:29Rimmer, I'm going to have two sons. Isn't it fantastic?
26:32But one of them dies.
26:33Yeah, well, everyone dies. You're born and you die.
26:35The bit in the middle is called life, and that's still to come.
26:38Go and get your camera. You haven't got much time.
26:42Get your camera and run to the medical unit. Run!
26:46What about me? What happens to me?
26:49He can't hear us, Rimmer. He's from the future.
26:51Ah, but if I ask you now, you can remember it.
26:54And when you get to be him, you can tell me.
26:56What's thinking?
26:59Rimmer, you wanted to know what happened to you?
27:01Yes!
27:02Well, come closer.
27:03Yes!
27:04Come closer still.
27:05Closer.
27:06Yes!
27:08You goit!
27:10No, you goit!
27:12They're all goits. I'm surrounded by goits.
27:14Polly, you're a goit!
27:15I'm a what?
27:16You heard.
27:17What's happening, Hall?
27:19Are we going to see my funeral or something?
27:21Look, the faster we go, the more into the future the future echoes are.
27:26And now, since we've just started to slow down,
27:28the future echoes are nearer to the present.
27:31Clear?
27:32No.
27:33Tough.
27:38Wait a minute.
27:39I don't understand how you're supposed to get two sons without a woman on the ship.
27:44Neither do I.
27:45But it's going to be a laugh finding out.
27:49I can't see you, but I know you can see me.
27:52I'd like you to meet your two sons.
27:54This is Jim.
27:55And this is Braxley.
27:56Oh, stop crying.
27:57It's like cheese, boys.
28:02It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere, I'm all alone, more or less.
28:09Let me fly, I'm far away from here.
28:13Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
28:29Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun.
28:36Fun, fun, fun, it's the sun, sun, sun.
28:41Fun, fun, it's the sun.
28:46Fun, fun, it's the sun.
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